Qualities in Relationship

By Jessica Higgins, PhD, LPC

Oftentimes when we are looking for a significant other, we concentrate on what characteristics we want in a potential mate. We even advise one another to make lists of qualities that we want in an ideal partner. The difficulty with this approach is we are focusing on and expecting our partner to fulfill something we want, and we have very little control over whether they will or not fulfill our needs. However, we do have the ability to co-create with our partner, where both partners contribute to developing the qualities of the relationship.

With this in mind, we can ask the question of a potential partner, “can we create a fun and playful relationship together?” rather than, “are you playful and fun?” Asking this type of question, gives us the opportunity to feel empowered to cultivate the relationship we desire, rather than putting the pressure and responsibility on our partner.

Getting clarity on what is important to you will be helpful in both attracting a partner, as well as cultivating your desired relationship with your loved one.

Exercise: Take out a piece of paper or your computer. Write the following question at the top: What are qualities of relationship that I desire? After brainstorming for at least 20 minutes, look at the list below to see if there are other areas you would like to consider. Then, circle or identify your top seven qualities that important to you in relationship. I encourage you to write out your list individually. Then, if you desire, you can share and explore your list with a potential partner or your significant other to come up with a relationship vision.

What qualities in relationship are important to me? What type of relationship do I truly desire?

Here are some helpful areas and examples to consider, if you would like some ideas:

1. Commitment

• What are your commitments to yourself, your partner, and to the relationship?
• Fidelity and relationship with others
• Motivation and desire to honor commitments
• Willingness to invest time and effort

Example:

“It is important to me that we both hold ourselves accountable for our own commitments.”

2. Security

• Trust in each others word
• Belief in one another
• Ability to depend on each other
• Honoring commitments

Example:

“I want to develop trust in our relationships, so we can count on each other to honor our agreements and commitments.”

3. Intimacy and Autonomy

• Quality together time (enjoying each others company, shared activities, etc)
• Separate time (individual time for personal interests, reflection, and development, etc)
• How to initiate togetherness or separateness harmoniously

Example:

“While it is really nice to spend time together and share in closeness, I want to have space to pursue individual interests and experiences.”

4. Communication

• Ability and desire to talk openly and honestly
• Sharing of inner thoughts, feelings, and needs.
• Making time to share and listen
• Honesty
• Emotional intelligence

Example:

“It can be easy to get distracted and preoccupied in life. I want to have a practice of checking in with each other, so that we continue to communicate about what we are experiencing instead of assuming and/or taking each other for granted.”

5. Expression of love and Sexual Intimacy

• Expression of physical intimacy
• Affection
• Expression of love (five love languages)
• Sexuality

Examples:

“I want to share and express love in many different ways.”

“I want to feel sexual freedom in our relationship, in that we can both feel safe enough to ask for what we want.”

6. Health

• Diet
• Exercise
• Substance use

Example:

“I want to eat good, healthy foods together.”

“Good health is important to me, I would like us to share in physical activity together.”

7. Recreation and Fun

• Leisure activities

Example:

“Having fun and enjoying down time is helpful in having a balanced lifestyle. I would like to feel a sense of balance in our lives and in our relationship.”

8. Daily living

• Allocation of time (children, family, friends, career, and community)
• Responsibilities and division of labor
• Making decisions
• Finances
• Children and parenting

Example:

“While chores and responsibilities can’t always be divided equally, I would like for us to both work towards contributing generously and work together as a team.”

9. Dealing with Challenges

• Resolving conflicts
• Dealing with stress and/or crisis
• Tolerating discomfort
• Flexibility and adaptability

Examples:

“Challenges are going to arise. I would like to feel a sense of trust and belief that we know how to handle life and relationship difficulties.”

10. Values

• What is important to you (i.e. making a difference, etc)
• Personal growth (and spiritual growth)
• Good will towards the other
• Willingness and helpfulness

Example:

“Cultivating a life that is meaningful and fulfilling is a priority to me. I would like us to make decisions that are in alignment with our values as individuals and as a couple.”

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