By Jessica Higgins, PhD, LPC

This exercise will assist partners in discussing difficult or heated issues. Each person will have the opportunity to be the listener and the speaker. This exercise works best when only one issue is the focus. The point of this process is to gain understanding. Have an open mind, and do your best to stay calm and grounded. Track your emotional levels, and take a break if needed.

1.     Decide who will share first, being the speaker, and who will be the listener.

2.     Listener’s role: Listener practices active listening skills.

• Try to stay present to what your partner is saying, rather that thinking about what you will want to say next.
• Listen to the problem as it affects them and seek to understand.
• Try to listen without judging, making comparisons, or evaluations.
• Maintain an open posture through your body language (i.e. uncrossing arms, sitting facing your partner, relaxing your body).
• Offer non-verbal cues of listening through eye contact and head nodding.

3.     Speaker’s role: Speaker shares from an “I” position. This means using “I” statements and expressing your thoughts and feelings in a non-blaming way, by focusing on yourself and stay with your own experience. By being self-focused, your partner will be more likely to listen and hear you without feeling the need to defend his/her position. If your partner is able to hear you, then he/she will be more likely to understand and have compassion to your experience.

• Example: “When I get interrupted, I feel hurt because I think what I am saying is unimportant.”
• Example: “When we don’t spend quality time together, I feel scared because I start to worry that we are loosing our connection.”
• Structure: “When _________ happens, I feel___________ because _____________”

1.     “When _________ happens.” Stating the situation

2.     “I feel … “ Acknowledging the emotion (i.e. angry, sad, scared, etc.).

3.     “Because…” What happens for you.

• -Avoid saying “I feel that” or “I feel like.” These statements are usually thoughts about feelings.
• -Avoid disguised “you” statements. “I feel like you…” “I feel that you…”
• -“I” statements usually don’t work if the desire is to control your partner.

4.     Listener reflects back: After the speaker shares their experience, the listener reflects back what they heard about their partner’s experience. Then, the listener can check it out to see if it is correct.

• Summarize what you heard (i.e. content and feelings).
• Example: “So, what I heard you saying is that when we don’t spend time together, you feel nervous or scared, and you start to worry that we are growing apart.”
• “Is that right?”
• “Am I missing anything?”

5.     Speaker clarifies: The speaker says, “yes, that is right”, or “no, it isn’t quite right.” If it’s not right, the speaker can clarify what aspect the listener didn’t get fully or add more about the emotional experience.

• Example on adding more: “Yes, I feel scared and worried. I am sorry that I sometimes overreact.”

6.     Listener reflects back: Listener reflects what they heard and checks it out again. Listener may also tune into the emotions and needs that are either spoken or unspoken.

• Example: “Sounds like you feel concerned and scared when this happens, and you don’t know how to feel better. Is that right?”

7.     Speaker confirms:

• Example: “Yes, that’s right. Thank you for listening me.”

8.     Switch roles and repeat

9.     Look for opportunities: Sometimes a resolution doesn’t seem possible until this stage, but if you stay with the process, usually a solution will arise. When we feel listened to, we can let go of our position enough to look at other perspectives, and we feel more freedom to explore other possibilities. We also feel more compassion and understanding for our partners and we want to reach a negotiable resolution.

• Brainstorm together to explore various options.
• Try to hold on to your position, rather that attempting to just please your partner. Trying to please your partner might feel like a good option in the moment, but if it is not truly what you want, then it will be difficult to follow through later.

This exercises takes practice and intention. While it may seem like an easy process, it takes energy and work when emotions are high. However, it will be well worth the effort. I encourage you to try it out for yourself. Please feel free to add or change anything to your benefit. These are merely tips to help in building an acquired skill.

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