Exploring the Feeling of Irritability

For various reasons, we may have learned it is not okay to express our upset, anger, or dissatisfaction, and that it is easier, safer, or more appropriate to avoid conflict or disagreements.

When we learn to avoid or ignore things that are upsetting to us, we do not have the opportunity to acknowledge or express our feelings. We overlook our frustration, irritation, and anger, and this can have a negative effect on our health, relationships, and overall wellbeing.

If we acknowledge our feeling and advocate for our needs, than it is much easier to get what we want in life.

This exercise may be helpful as you begin to explore and identify your feelings of irritability. By holding a level of curiosity through this process, you may gain some valuable insights.

Inquiry Exercise:

How do I know I am irritable or agitated?  (Example. I feel less patient or annoyed.)

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What do I feel in my body? Is it difficult to sit still? Do I feel muscles tension? Am I holding my breath?

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Did anything trigger my being irritable? Allow yourself to track your experience, what happened before you started feeling irritable? What were you thinking?

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Is there a preference, need, or a boundary that I am overlooking? (Example, A coworker chews and pops her gum loudly during work hours, and it is difficult for me to concentrate.)

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Am I taking care of myself? Am I getting enough sleep, recreation, nutrition, exercise, and relaxation time? Sometimes irritability is an indication that we need to attend to one of these areas.

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Is there something else going on that you may be upset about or not happy with? Sometimes, when we don’t acknowledge something that is upsetting us, it will come out in other ways (either consciously or unconsciously).

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Irritability or anger can be very useful in letting us know something in our life either is not working, needs attention, or is a violation in some way.

Based on the above questions, is there a situation or area in your life that needs attention? If so, take a moment to write down what area or situation in needs attention.

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Next, allow yourself to take note of what thoughts, judgments, fears or reactions you have in identifying this. (Example, I am afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Or there is nothing I can do to address this concern.)

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Bringing awareness to this issue is the first step towards identifying your needs and ultimately making decisions that are more in alignment with your needs and desires.

By Jessica Higgins, PhD, LPC

This exercise will assist partners in discussing difficult or heated issues. Each person will have the opportunity to be the listener and the speaker. This exercise works best when only one issue is the focus. The point of this process is to gain understanding. Have an open mind, and do your best to stay calm and grounded. Track your emotional levels, and take a break if needed.

1.     Decide who will share first, being the speaker, and who will be the listener.

2.     Listener’s role: Listener practices active listening skills.

• Try to stay present to what your partner is saying, rather that thinking about what you will want to say next.
• Listen to the problem as it affects them and seek to understand.
• Try to listen without judging, making comparisons, or evaluations.
• Maintain an open posture through your body language (i.e. uncrossing arms, sitting facing your partner, relaxing your body).
• Offer non-verbal cues of listening through eye contact and head nodding.

3.     Speaker’s role: Speaker shares from an “I” position. This means using “I” statements and expressing your thoughts and feelings in a non-blaming way, by focusing on yourself and stay with your own experience. By being self-focused, your partner will be more likely to listen and hear you without feeling the need to defend his/her position. If your partner is able to hear you, then he/she will be more likely to understand and have compassion to your experience.

• Example: “When I get interrupted, I feel hurt because I think what I am saying is unimportant.”
• Example: “When we don’t spend quality time together, I feel scared because I start to worry that we are loosing our connection.”
• Structure: “When _________ happens, I feel___________ because _____________”

1.     “When _________ happens.” Stating the situation

2.     “I feel … “ Acknowledging the emotion (i.e. angry, sad, scared, etc.).

3.     “Because…” What happens for you.

• -Avoid saying “I feel that” or “I feel like.” These statements are usually thoughts about feelings.
• -Avoid disguised “you” statements. “I feel like you…” “I feel that you…”
• -“I” statements usually don’t work if the desire is to control your partner.

4.     Listener reflects back: After the speaker shares their experience, the listener reflects back what they heard about their partner’s experience. Then, the listener can check it out to see if it is correct.

• Summarize what you heard (i.e. content and feelings).
• Example: “So, what I heard you saying is that when we don’t spend time together, you feel nervous or scared, and you start to worry that we are growing apart.”
• “Is that right?”
• “Am I missing anything?”

5.     Speaker clarifies: The speaker says, “yes, that is right”, or “no, it isn’t quite right.” If it’s not right, the speaker can clarify what aspect the listener didn’t get fully or add more about the emotional experience.

• Example on adding more: “Yes, I feel scared and worried. I am sorry that I sometimes overreact.”

6.     Listener reflects back: Listener reflects what they heard and checks it out again. Listener may also tune into the emotions and needs that are either spoken or unspoken.

• Example: “Sounds like you feel concerned and scared when this happens, and you don’t know how to feel better. Is that right?”

7.     Speaker confirms:

• Example: “Yes, that’s right. Thank you for listening me.”

8.     Switch roles and repeat

9.     Look for opportunities: Sometimes a resolution doesn’t seem possible until this stage, but if you stay with the process, usually a solution will arise. When we feel listened to, we can let go of our position enough to look at other perspectives, and we feel more freedom to explore other possibilities. We also feel more compassion and understanding for our partners and we want to reach a negotiable resolution.

• Brainstorm together to explore various options.
• Try to hold on to your position, rather that attempting to just please your partner. Trying to please your partner might feel like a good option in the moment, but if it is not truly what you want, then it will be difficult to follow through later.

This exercises takes practice and intention. While it may seem like an easy process, it takes energy and work when emotions are high. However, it will be well worth the effort. I encourage you to try it out for yourself. Please feel free to add or change anything to your benefit. These are merely tips to help in building an acquired skill.

Getting to know how we deal with pain

Often times we have been taught through our family or culture that it is not okay to feel pain. We learn various ways to avoid or try to control our fear, sadness, anger, shame, or grief.

Although controlling our external world often brings success and achievement, attempting to control our internal world often results in opposite effects. While we may feel some short-term relief in avoiding or trying to control our pain, it usually does not provide long-term results.

This exercise will help you look at ways your try to avoid or control your pain and the success you experience. The intention for this exercise is to become more aware of your experience. By holding a level of curiosity, than you may be able to get to know your experience more fully.

Inquiry Exercise:

What pain am I trying to control or avoid?

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How do I create distance from this internal pain (trying to make it go away, avoid or deny)?

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Thoughts:

What do I say to myself about it (i.e. internal dialogue)?

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What judgments am I having about my experience?

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What beliefs do I have about this experience?

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Bodily sensations:

What do I feel in my body when I try to control and avoid the pain?

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Level of success:

How much energy and effort do I invest in trying to control my pain?

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How much empowerment, vitality, and fulfillment do I experience in the process of trying to control or avoid my pain?

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Rating Exercise (“Get out of your mind & into your life” by Steven C. Hayes, PhD):

This exercise is helpful in tracking your experience with pain.

Date             Pain*                   Struggle*                Overall Success*

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Any notes about painful events today?  _____________________________________

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*Pain: How much pain (rating: 1 means no pain and 100 means extreme pain)?

*Struggle: How much effort and struggle exerted to control the pain (1-100)?

*Overall Success: Overall vitality and aliveness (1-100)?

Additional Questions to Consider:

What if my pain was understandable and natural, what would I think and feel?

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If my pain had a voice, what would it say?

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If my pain could tell a story or paint a picture, what would it say?

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As you breath into your experience, what do you experience in your body?

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By Jessica Higgins, PhD, LPC

Expectations can fuel and motivate how we relate and react to others. Commonly, we expect our partners to treat us in a particular way and love us in the way that we want to be loved.

Here are 10 tips to consider when exploring your expectations in relationship:

1. Expectations are often unconscious. Have you ever found yourself feeling sad or disappointed and not known why? With a little reflection, you may realize you had an expectation about something or someone and didn’t even know it.

To help bring awareness to your expectations, take some time to ponder what your expectations are and how you acquired them. We pick-up messages about what relationships are suppose to be like and how we should be treated from movies, television, family, and friends. If we don’t take time to consider our expectations, then we may adopt other people’s expectations that are not relevant or appropriate for us.

2. Expectations can be detrimental to relationships. Expectations can feel overwhelming and stifling to the organic flow in relationships. If we have expectations of others and are really attached to the outcome, then we can engage in power struggles by using manipulation or control tactics to get our way. This strategy often leads to conflict and unhealthy dynamics where partners do not feel free, authentic, and honest.

Realizing that your partner is not going to live up to your expectations or ideals can be devastating. Couples can feel disappointed, frustrated, betrayed, or resentful and move to end the relationship because of unmet desires and unfulfilled expectations. Frustration can also be a signal that a boundary of yours is being crossed.

3. Knowing the difference between expectations, needs, and desires.

• Expectations are hopes and beliefs that are focused on the future, and may or may not be realistic.
• A need is something that is necessary for healthy relating and living. Do you know what is essential for you to have a healthy relationship (i.e. fidelity, kindness, lack of drug or alcohol addiction, etc.)? What are your deal breakers or non-negotiables?
• A desire is a want or preference about something you would like to have or receive.

4. Taking ownership for your needs and desires. The truth of the matter is –we know what we need better than anyone else. Ultimately, it is our responsibility to get our own needs met. If we give ownership to someone else for getting our needs met, than we can feel dependent, powerless, and misunderstood.

Taking ownership also inspires action. We realize we have the power to create change. Also, we have the opportunity to nurture ourselves in the ways that we need it most. This is a difficult practice, but it can be very empowering.

Taking ownership of your needs can also be a spiritual practice. You can realize that your relationship does not source your energy. When you stay connected with your spirituality, you realize that you can source your energy from your spiritual connection rather than your relationship.

5. Expressing your needs, desires, and expectations. Have you ever consciously expected or desired something from someone, but didn’t voice it? We probably have all had this experience to some degree or another. Usually, this is a recipe for disappointment. How is someone suppose to know what you want if you don’t tell them? Even if they get it right a time or two, it sets up a dynamic were people are operating on assumptions, which often leads to miscommunication and frustration.

We often hide our expectations, needs, and desires because we fear that we will be rejected or that our partner will not be able to meet our needs. But how do we experience resolution if we cut ourselves off before we even try?

This may seem scary and vulnerable because it requires you to open yourself up and acknowledge that you have needs to your partner. But imagine being able to ask for what you need in a clear and clean way (to own it, without making it someone else’s responsibility) and then to receive it from someone who genuinely wants to give it to you. This can truly be a transformational experience.

By taking ownership of our needs, desires, and expectations, we can work with our partners. We can help teach them what works and doesn’t work for us, and then we have the opportunity to learn and grow together.

6. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Usually, people are doing the best the can. And your partner is probably loving you in the best way he/she knows how. This is important to remember when you are holding your partner up to an expectation or an ideal of yours. It may be helpful to consider, the question “how would I respond, if I felt trusting?”

This is often easier said than done, especially when you feel hurt and protective. Trusting someone and giving them the benefit of the doubt can be extremely difficult if you have experienced a lot of hurt and betrayal. So it is important to keep track of your boundaries and needs. If you are taking responsibility for your needs, then you will be more likely to take care of yourself. When it comes to other people, you get to choose what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. However, it is important to remember that you cannot control another person.

7. Seeking support, if you need it. Expressing your needs and giving someone the benefit of the doubt can be tricky territory, especially if you didn’t get your needs met when you were young. It is natural to attempt to fulfill these unmet needs. However, you may not know that you are doing this.

If you feel a strong reaction, feel threatened, or really protective, than this may be a good indication that there may be an underlying hurt or an unmet need. There are many opportunities to heal and grow, through self-help books, articles, groups, and one-on-one counseling. It’s never too late to learn new skills and to start practicing them.

8. Receiving the love people have to give in the way they give it. Imagine receiving a gift from someone. You open it and tell them you don’t like it; they should have shopped at a different store, spent a different amount, gotten a different gift, and wrapped it differently. It seems ridiculous right? Well, think about someone’s time, energy, attention, and love as a gift. How well to do you receive people’s gifts?

It’s important to advocate for our needs and express our desires. But can you feel an energy shift or the dynamic shift when you release your attachment to how the other person responds?

9. Allowing for space and mystery. Without a ton of expectations, you can allow yourself to be more in the moment, receive, and be pleasantly surprised. You can receive your loved one’s expressions and gestures as genuine and authentic gifts. You can start to appreciate them with a sense of newness. You may have a greater appreciation for the miracle of love.

Allowing space for people to meet you in the best way they know how is truly a beautiful and powerful experience.

10. Understanding the give and receive nature of relationships. In successful relationships, there is a good level of ownership, honest communication, and a mutual dynamic of giving and receiving. The types of giving may vary depending on situations, styles, and personalities. Actual authentic compatibility may be more about how two people can accept each other and foster each other’s development, rather than how similar they are.

By Jessica Higgins, PhD, LPC

When we are upset about something, it is natural to want to address the issue right away. However, past negative experiences can leave us feeling unsure, cautious, and afraid to address conflict with our loved ones. Additionally, many of us have not learned effective communication skills to address heated issues with others. Even when our desire may be to seek resolution, we may react by blaming, criticizing, shaming, judging, yelling, or avoiding the issue all together. In a romantic relationship, communicating about a conflict can feel especially difficult.

Here are some tips to consider when you feel upset, which may offer more resolution, trust, and cooperation:

Take a moment (or more). Give yourself a moment to check-in and reflect on what you are feeling. Allow yourself to be honest and vulnerable with yourself. Often times, we feel scared or hurt and don’t even know it. In this case, our flight or flight response may be activated. Here are some questions to consider:

• Am I feeling reactive? Am I trying to protect myself?
• What am I feeling?
• Is this a “hot button” or a “trigger” for me? If so, what happens for me?
• Am I stressed or getting the self-care I need (i.e. good sleep, nutrition, exercise, time for self, or pleasurable activities)
• Am I clear on what I feel and what I want?

Are you centered enough to work through the issue with your partner or do you need more time to work through your emotions? If we are really upset, we can be too focused on our partner or too busy trying to control or change the situation that we don’t even know what we are feeling and what our needs are. Activities to help work with emotions and gain self-awareness:

• Journaling
  • What am I feeling?
  • Does this feel familiar or similar to a past experience?
  • What do I need to know in looking at this situation?
  • What do I want?
  • If my emotions had words, what would they say?
  • What sensations do I feel in my body?

• Crying- can be a great way to release and cleanse emotional energy.
• Exercise- can help in processing emotions and energy, detoxify, and gaining perspective (when done safely).
• Creative expression- with music, art, and dance/movement, emotions can be expressed and worked with safely.
• Getting support- Talk to a trusted friend or support person
• Getting grounded
  • Take a walk outside or in nature
  • Stomp your feet
  • Give yourself a foot rub
  • Visualize being connected to the center of the earth
  • Take some time to breathe deeply
  • Feel yourself being empowered

Ask for a good time to talk. Even though you may be ready and available to talk, your partner may not be. Asking permission and setting up a time that works for both of you creates the foundation for a more successful and meaningful conversation. You and your partner will be less distracted and more present. Here are some examples of how to ask:

• “I would like to talk about something that has been coming up for me, when would be a good time?”
• “I would love to have a heart to heart with you, can we schedule some time together?”
• “I would like to clear something with you, when would you be available?”
• “I would like to share a challenge that I have been having, when can we talk?”

State desire and hope for the conversation. This helps your partner know what you would like to see happen and what you would like from him/her.

• “I would like to share with you what I have been feeling. Would you be willing to listen?”
• “I would like to talk about what I have been experiencing. Would you be willing to try out a communication practice?”
• “I would like for us to both have the opportunity to share. Would you be willing to take turns?”

Create safety and structure. This helps each partner feel safe about time, place, and intention.

• Is there anything you need to feel safe?
• If either one of us get’s too upset, let’s take a break.
• Let’s trying to remember that we are on the same team, and not take each other’s experience personally.
• Let’s try to be respectful in our language, as well as understanding and flexible with to each other.

Remember:

• If I am upset, the emotion is mine.
• If you are upset, the emotion is yours.