Before trying to resolve an issue…

By Jessica Higgins, PhD, LPC

When we are upset about something, it is natural to want to address the issue right away. However, past negative experiences can leave us feeling unsure, cautious, and afraid to address conflict with our loved ones. Additionally, many of us have not learned effective communication skills to address heated issues with others. Even when our desire may be to seek resolution, we may react by blaming, criticizing, shaming, judging, yelling, or avoiding the issue all together. In a romantic relationship, communicating about a conflict can feel especially difficult.

Here are some tips to consider when you feel upset, which may offer more resolution, trust, and cooperation:

Take a moment (or more). Give yourself a moment to check-in and reflect on what you are feeling. Allow yourself to be honest and vulnerable with yourself. Often times, we feel scared or hurt and don’t even know it. In this case, our flight or flight response may be activated. Here are some questions to consider:

• Am I feeling reactive? Am I trying to protect myself?
• What am I feeling?
• Is this a “hot button” or a “trigger” for me? If so, what happens for me?
• Am I stressed or getting the self-care I need (i.e. good sleep, nutrition, exercise, time for self, or pleasurable activities)
• Am I clear on what I feel and what I want?

Are you centered enough to work through the issue with your partner or do you need more time to work through your emotions? If we are really upset, we can be too focused on our partner or too busy trying to control or change the situation that we don’t even know what we are feeling and what our needs are. Activities to help work with emotions and gain self-awareness:

• Journaling
  • What am I feeling?
  • Does this feel familiar or similar to a past experience?
  • What do I need to know in looking at this situation?
  • What do I want?
  • If my emotions had words, what would they say?
  • What sensations do I feel in my body?

• Crying- can be a great way to release and cleanse emotional energy.
• Exercise- can help in processing emotions and energy, detoxify, and gaining perspective (when done safely).
• Creative expression- with music, art, and dance/movement, emotions can be expressed and worked with safely.
• Getting support- Talk to a trusted friend or support person
• Getting grounded
  • Take a walk outside or in nature
  • Stomp your feet
  • Give yourself a foot rub
  • Visualize being connected to the center of the earth
  • Take some time to breathe deeply
  • Feel yourself being empowered

Ask for a good time to talk. Even though you may be ready and available to talk, your partner may not be. Asking permission and setting up a time that works for both of you creates the foundation for a more successful and meaningful conversation. You and your partner will be less distracted and more present. Here are some examples of how to ask:

• “I would like to talk about something that has been coming up for me, when would be a good time?”
• “I would love to have a heart to heart with you, can we schedule some time together?”
• “I would like to clear something with you, when would you be available?”
• “I would like to share a challenge that I have been having, when can we talk?”

State desire and hope for the conversation. This helps your partner know what you would like to see happen and what you would like from him/her.

• “I would like to share with you what I have been feeling. Would you be willing to listen?”
• “I would like to talk about what I have been experiencing. Would you be willing to try out a communication practice?”
• “I would like for us to both have the opportunity to share. Would you be willing to take turns?”

Create safety and structure. This helps each partner feel safe about time, place, and intention.

• Is there anything you need to feel safe?
• If either one of us get’s too upset, let’s take a break.
• Let’s trying to remember that we are on the same team, and not take each other’s experience personally.
• Let’s try to be respectful in our language, as well as understanding and flexible with to each other.

Remember:

• If I am upset, the emotion is mine.
• If you are upset, the emotion is yours.