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Recently, I watched The Psychology of Self-Motivation, by Scott Geller, which is a TEDx video. Usually, when I find a piece (article, video, quote) that I like, I post it to my social media channels and then I move on. However, Scott's points stuck with me.

I remember thinking to myself, “why am I continuing to think about this video so much?” It was a wonderful talk, but it didn't strike me as a life changing video. As I pondered, I began to see how important his points are to relationships and couples.

Do we feel empowered in our relationships? Do we feel self-motivated to create the relationships we desire?

What is Your Motivation Level in Your Relationship?

In Scott Geller's talk, he poses three questions to help determine your level of motivation, which are based on research findings

3 Questions to Ask Yourself to Determine Your Motivation Level

1. Can you do it? Do you believe you can do it?

• Do you have the time, knowledge, and skill to develop the type of relationship you desire?
• When you believe in your capabilities, psychologists call this self-efficacy.
• Most people do not have an inspiring relationship model and do not know what a healthy, authentic, thriving relationship looks like.
• People generally enter into relationship and marriage with a ton of expectations.
• For couples who are extremely stressed with meeting their basic needs (i.e. having enough money to pay for basic expenses), it is difficult to put forth the time, energy, and resources into strengthening their relationship.

2. Will it work? Do you believe the process will work?

• Do you believe your process or behaviors will help you achieve your relationship goals?
• Geller explains that in order for people to be motivated to engage in a process, they need to gain knowledge and understanding of how the process might work. This often happens through education, research, theory, demonstration, and training.
• Unfortunately, many people still think relationship coaching or couples therapy is for people who really have “problems.” Or they see it as a last resort.
• Yet, most people are ill equipped to navigate a lasting, intimate relationship successfully.
• The process of developing a lasting, healthy, authentic, and passionate relationship takes a certain level of awareness, willingness, and practice.
• This is why I created the Evolve In Love program, so that you have all the information, tools, and resources you need to build a solid foundation for your relationship success.
• Relationship Coaching is another great way to get direction, feedback, and support in working through relationship challenges and establishing a solid foundation for your relationship.

3. Is it worth it? Do you believe in the ultimate outcome?

• Is the end result worth it?
• Whatever your relationship goals are will be your outcome (i.e. to have a healthy, strong, loving relationship).

If you answered “yes” to these three questions, you feel more competent and more self-motivated.

Choice:

When you believe you have a sense of choice of what you are doing you feel more self-motivated.

Geller stated, when he is working to get a positive consequence he feels good. Whereas, when he is working to avoid an aversive consequence, he feels controlled. He pointed out how often people are seeking to avoid pain rather than seeking pleasure. Here are a few examples:

• Going to class to not fail (rather to learn).
• Following the speed limit to not get a ticket (to contribute to safety on the road).
• Eating a salad instead of a burger and fries to not get fat (rather that to feel nourished and healthy).

The way you view your choices has a big impact of whether or not you will feel self-motivated. “It is how you communicate with others and how you communicate to yourself.” says Scott Geller.

“Be mindful of the choices you have and talk about being a success seeker rather than a failure avoider.” ~ Scott Geller

Community:

People who perceive a sense of relatedness, a sense of connection with others, feel more motivated and are happier.

• Most people feel uncomfortable and are unwilling to talk about their relationship dynamics with others.
• People are often afraid of being perceived negatively, or they feel bad about their relationship challenges.
• Generally, people feel very alone and isolated with their relationship struggles and feel little support in cultivating a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.  
• In many wedding ceremonies, there is a section where family and friend's are invited into an agreement to uphold the couple's union. To remind the couple when they go through dark times of their love and commitments. This is a beautiful intention, as we need each other and the social support. Yet, in practice, most people think offering feedback on the topic of intimate relationship is off limits and too personal.

How do we build a sense of community? How do we support each other and lift each other up? I want to hear from you. Please comment below.

“We can always learn from each other. We need to have the humility to accept feedback, and the courage to speak up. We need to help each other feel (competent and) self motivated.” By Scott Geller 

Mentioned:

• The Psychology of Self-Motivation, By Scott Geller (TEDx video)
• What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article)
• My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast episode)

Transcript:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 069: Have You Lost Motivation In Your Relationship? [TRANSCRIPT]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

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