ERP 077: What Happens When Your Partner Is Not Responsible?
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“I’m a single mom of a 7 y.o. Boy🙂 separated from dad 5 yrs..bf of 2 yrs is adoring, complimentary, caring….but drinks and only works 2 days a week. I work 35-38 hrs a wk. i am motivated, he is….not. I love him..he’s a good person, although has been caught in multiple small lies….he wants US sooo bad and i KNOW he wants to be good and do right but seems to unknowingly play “victim of life”. I broke up with him but feel like if i am looking for someone who honestly loves me. He’s SOOOOO convincing that he does. My dad is ONLY person that i KNOW loves me bc he’s proved that throughout my life by BEING there and taking action and bring true to his word…if he’s serious about something he’ll do it…if it NEEDS to be done, he’ll do it..i only have that example to base love on and i would love to hear ur educated thoughts on if i’m being too critical..if my idea of love is…..biased.”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
1. Love is not enough.
- He can love you fully, but it doesn’t mean he wants the same things in relationship. And it doesn’t mean he wants to be responsible in partnership.
- He may love you, and he may not be capable of real relationship.
- He may love you, and he may not be ready for real partnership.
- Being an adult in relationship takes a willingness to look at your own stuff, takes ownership, and requires being conscious about what you are creating.
2. Values & Vision
- What do you really want in relationship? What does he really want in relationship?
- What are your expectations and desires in relationship? What are his expectations and desires in relationship?
- What are your top values in life? What are his top values in life?
- Do you have a relationship vision? Does he have a relationship vision?
3. Honor Your Heart
- What would you love in relationship?
- What really matters to you in relationship?
- How do you feel loved (i.e. 5 Love Languages)?
4. Get curious
- Can you gather more information?
- Without blame or shame, can he talk about what is going on for him? Can he tell you what is going on for him when he isn’t honest with you or lies?
- It takes courage to hold a space of wondering, especially when you do not know if you are going to like the answers you will get.
- However, you ultimately want to work with what is real, as this will allow you to make progress in the cultivating a loving, lasting relationship.
5. Start small
- Get clear and explicit about your agreements.
- Are you both contributing to the creation of the agreement? If your partner does not buy into the agreement, it can feel like a demand.
- Make the agreement doable. Start small.
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 077: What Happens When Your Partner Is Not Responsible?
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