ERP 081: How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love

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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Dr. Jessica Higgins: Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode, episode 81. Today is a live coaching session. It’s actually not live, because I pre-recorded it, but the call is live and you hear it pretty much in unedited form. The title of this podcast is “How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love.”

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so how can I be of service and how can I support you today?

Listener: Okay, I’ve thought about this a lot, and I guess there’s a couple ways that this could end up going. I think the way to start would be to give you some of my background information, and then I can ask some questions. Does that sound like a good way to start?

Listener: Yes, that sounds great!

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay. I am 37 and I live in Europe. I moved here three years ago with my then-husband, who is also American. We were together for five years; we were separated for one of those years, but we were both still here, and we were trying to work through some issues related to his alcoholism. That was at a level where I had to repeatedly have him hospitalized for acute toxicity, and at one of those points some other issues came up on his side.

I spoke with his mother, because there was some concern that he had brain damage, and basically she asked me to send him home and try to have him get help there. We pursued help here, but it really wasn’t effective. He went back to the U.S. not quite a year and a half ago. I’m not exactly sure what level of help he was getting, but by then we had decided to divorce. Two days after our divorce was finalized, he died of acute alcohol poisoning.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Oh my gosh, no way… I’m so sorry…

Listener: Yeah, it was right before this 31st birthday.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Oh, gosh…

Listener: It was, of course, very tragic, and I definitely had some difficulties. It was originally declared a suicide, but that was reversed actually by the corner later on, and the cause of death was changed to accidental death. Of course, it’s impossible to deny that I was part of the circumstance; if nothing more, still also nothing less. At the time of his death, I was actually seeing someone. We were together for about six months, and that ended in May. I had some pretty serious stuff come up with my work also in May – I’m a surgeon – and I was always very career-driven. These two relationships are really my only significant relationships.

I ended up doing a lot of soul-searching beginning in May. It’s a work in progress. That’s how I found your podcast. I haven’t listened to every episode, but I think I’ve listened to most of them, and some of them several times. I really find it to be a benchmark of what I aspire to. I am coming from a point where I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last months and I’m really quite happy with my life and with who I am. That’s what I’ve focused on in the last several months. I came across the idea – amongst my many soul-searching and various self-help avenues – that you had to be the person you wanted to be with in order to have the relationship you want, so that’s something that I have been trying to foster.

Of course, I think relationships are generally a mirror — I met somebody that I was really excited about; I don’t have a lot of instant chemistry very often with people, and it really just totally crashed and burned. I wanted to focus on really making myself the best that I could be, so that when I meet another person that I’m really excited about, I can be open to whatever relationship comes about, and not have… I had some fear issues come up, and I really wanted to find a way to work through those. That’s where I’m at, and that’s what I’m coming to you with – I have this deep desire to be in a relationship; not because I don’t feel fulfilled without it, but because I think that it would be satisfying and a greater expression of myself, and I want the chance to really love someone deeply. But I think when it actually starts to happen, it’s very easy for me to close up.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: First of all, I just want to acknowledge your insight about your journey, and I still feel the tenderness of… I imagine you’ve had some grief that you’ve had to deal with as well – is that true?

Listener: Absolutely. It was a really long process, it was really difficult. I had some very, very dear friends that were there for me, and I started only recently to slowly build up more of a support network, or at least a more substantial one. I was really fortunate to have good people, and I was very lucky. I came across your podcast through Bruce Van Horn’s podcast, which is kind of where I started. I heard several times the name Brené Brown mentioned, so I’m reading her fourth book now. That’s been really inspiring. Basically, anything that resonates with me on the podcasts, I just try to follow through with it and hunt it down until another thread resonates with me.

The grief – I feel like it kind of worked itself out. I wrote to him a lot – my dead ex-husband; that sounds really weird. I wrote to him a lot, but he was a very tormented soul for many years. On one hand, I think he’s at peace; on the other hand, it’s a horrible waste. He was so young.

I don’t feel responsible, I don’t feel like it was my fault that that happened, but at the same time I don’t want to ignore or not improve the ways I could have been better in relationship, and I also don’t want to live through that again; I don’t want to be in a co-dependent relationship again, for my own reasons.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love everything you’re saying. This is part of living, right? We are faced with tragedy, trauma and upset, and it requires us to get in touch with some deep pain sometimes. Also, if we’re talking about relationship, I love that you said generally it gives the sense of mirroring, and the opportunity to look at what we’re bringing to the table. It sounds like you’ve been doing an enormous amount of great work, so I just want to acknowledge that.

Listener: Thank you.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: You’re welcome. When you’re talking about fear – that sounds like where you want to spend time on today.

Listener: Yeah.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay. Would you be willing to give me an example or describe that a little bit more, about what happens to you?

Listener: Yeah. I should very quickly preface this with – the two people I have been in relationship with, neither of them were people that I felt that instant excitement about. After the second relationship ended, I started to question if maybe I was deliberately settling for people that didn’t scare me, that I wasn’t risking as much to be with. That’s where this idea of the fear part started.

Then, I was actually on a call with somebody, talking about what it was that I was missing by not being in relationship, and I had never been asked that question, and I was even more surprised by my answer, which was “I’m not missing anything, and it’s not scary.”

I was always a very ambitious and motivated person, and I’ve always been told by everyone — or, I should say, I’ve often been told by what seems to be a lot of people that I’m exposed to, that I’m too much of just everything. I work too hard, I play too hard, I talk too much, I feel too much, I am just too much. I think I have spent a lot of time making myself smaller to try and fix that, and it’s basically led me the wrong direction. But I’m still terrified, because a lot of people don’t really identify with me because of… My field of surgery is really specific and kind of random, and I actually do a lot of research which is also kind of random, so a lot of people don’t really identify with me even when I’m making new friends.

I’ve been told that men find me intimidating, so it’s hard for me to feel like I can risk being confident in all of myself, but I think not doing that, there’s no point in… I mean, the kind of relationship that I want is a conscious relationship where there’s not really any co-dependency, just choosing to be together and loving one another because of each other’s own free will, and self-fulfillment is an obligation on both sides of that. I think that my issues of being afraid to fully be myself and express myself in a relationship don’t align with that relationship goal.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, I love that awareness. As you’re describing this, it sounds like you’re telling me that one of the ways that you’ve dealt with feeling terrified – whether or not it was conscious or not – is to settle, to play small, and perhaps even the co-dependencies… Having to focus on someone else, helping them takes the attention off of the vulnerability of shining bright, and feeling met in this really authentic, genuine love.

Listener: Yeah, I think that’s a very nice way of summing it up. I should apologize, I do tend to talk in circles when I’m trying to self-articulate. But I don’t know how to break that cycle… I do think there are men out there that I could have that type of relationship with, but when I’m with someone that I have some sort of gut feeling about, I tend to shut down. It could be as simple as reverting back to playing it safe and just not being very open or receptive. I guess that would be the mainstay, not being very open and receptive. Normally, I love physical affection, I’m pretty adventurous, I’m pretty open, I love to enjoy a good conversation with no pressures. So I’m pretty flexible, but in that situation I think that I get quiet, and I don’t know if they know how I’m feeling. I have the impression that maybe they don’t.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Interesting. So there’s something stirring in you of this somewhat attraction or draw, and it sounds like what happens between that percolating attraction and the shut down – do you know?

Listener: I guess it’s happened three or four times, and the first time I was really young. It was quite a while ago, and I honestly don’t remember it that clearly.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: What was that, when you were young?

Listener: That was in college, and it was the same kind of thing. I think this attraction/excitement happens for me when I’m physically attracted to somebody, but also intellectually inspired by them. [laughter] I can only think of, off the top of my head, three or four men that have stirred that level of interest in me, and every time it just has totally crashed and burned, and I seem to be the common denominator in that group.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: The crash and burn – what happens there? You’re not receptive, you’re not really giving that person a lot to work with and they lose interest? What’s the crash and burn?

Listener: I think in the moment I’m not receptive, but then I retreat into my head, which is a very scary place to be, and rarely anything good comes from that. Then I seem to revert to this thing that there’s an agenda; that they should be calling me in a certain amount of time and we should be seeing each other again in a certain amount of time, and that things should be progressing. And when it doesn’t happen that way, I often come to a place where I think, “Okay, I have to ask for what I want”, but I also am not sure that I’m very clear at that either. It just kind of turns into this… All three of the times that it was definitely happening… It’s a back and forth; it’s not that they just go away, but it never flows, and I think there’s something that I’m doing that makes it that way. I’m only receptive when I feel like I have nothing to lose because it’s already lost.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: That seems important. Can you feel the emotion in that?

Listener: Wow… That is a really good question. It’s funny, because in one of our couples counseling sessions my husband said that I don’t show emotion, and I think in that situation, that moment of not being receptive in person with these other guys I think I don’t; I think I don’t even feel emotion, I think I just shut down.

Going back and trying to recall the emotion, it’s just kind of like this blank slate or avoid.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, what about now? What do you feel now, as you’re saying “The only time that I feel receptive is when I feel that there’s nothing to lose?

Listener: That feels kind of masculine somehow. I don’t have a better description for it.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Is that masculine in the sense of like winning?

Listener: No, it’s not usually winning; I think if anything, it’s safe, and there’s nothing to… When you’re not risking anything, then it’s quite safe, I guess.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: So if you can get in touch with that vulnerable part, that’s feeling vulnerable when you’re feeling this physical attraction and intellectual inspiration, it sounds like there’s a huge risk there. Can you share…?

Listener: Yeah, I think that’s the risk of being too much, of being too exposed, too emotional or too needy. I have always had some difficulty… I’m not really a feminist, but I have always been in a group of people that was historically and largely a male population, just because of my career choices, so I’ve always been — not a trailblazer at all, but I’ve always been very aware of wanting to be treated as an equal. And only since I’ve been doing a lot of this self-exploration have I stumbled across the idea of masculine and feminine energy and why embracing my feminine energy should make myself more peaceful, for one thing, but also just fits with the laws of attraction and fulfilling myself for my own needs. That’s something that has really intrigued me, but I think maybe it doesn’t come naturally to me yet.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: And how does the feminine fit with when you’re feeling the excitement, and then vulnerability, the risk?

Listener: I think I get stuck again wanting to be validated or wanting to know that they also feel the interest. I think I get stuck there, and I maybe don’t share my actual vulnerability.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Can you say anything else about the emotion? When I’m listening to you, I’m feeling the sense of, if it were me, and feeling like I have to calibrate to match, and play it safe, equalize, not being too much, trying to play my cards right – like you said, it feels very calculated, intellectual – and I can’t feel my heart when I’m in that space as much, and when I drop into my heart and getting in touch with “Wow, this feels exciting” and then there’s the shut down, it feels like either I don’t believe I can have it, or I’m scared of getting rejected. I know you said, “I’m scared of being too much”, but there’s a sense of “I’m not okay to be in my heart and be fully expressive”, which you’re telling me that’s what you’re wanting.

Listener: Yeah, that is definitely what I’m wanting, and I can achieve that if there’s not that level of chemical attraction or interest. To be honest, I have been practicing it more, because to me it’s quite odd to tell people… Of course, if you’re on a date with someone, they ask about your ex-husband, and for me that’s quite a big first date story to tell. But at the same time, if someone asks me that question, now I feel that I’m allowed to answer it truthfully, and that’s only been within the last weeks that I’ve been able to do that. I’ve only done it once in a romantic situation, but I’ve also been trying to practice as much as feasibly possible just in relationships in general – not professionally, of course, but personal relationships.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Nice, so it sounds like you’re trying to bushwhack, if you will, a path to practice being in a more authentic, vulnerable place and share what’s real. I want to go back, if you’re open to it, to that heart in you. What would your heart want? What would your heart need in the scenario where you’re feeling this excitement, this attraction, this inspiration? It sounds like your heart is getting drawn in and is starting to open, and there’s something you’re doing to shut it down, and you’re telling me a lot of the reasons… But if I can ask you to tune into that emotion, if there’s anything else you can be aware of around what’s coming up for you or what your heart is needing?

Listener: Yeah, I like that one, especially because it took me a minute to let the answer come, and the answer is pretty funny. My heart needs my head to shut up.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: [laughs] I only laugh because I struggle with that, too. It’s so good! Say it again for me.

Listener: My heart needs my head to shut up. [laughs]

Dr. Jessica Higgins: And what does that feel like? I know I’m redirecting you to the emotion, if you can feel into that…

Listener: Whenever something on a personal level or a self-exploration level really resonates with me now, I kind of feel like this free space, where it’s a little bit easier to breathe… It’s actually over my heart region, and it’s somehow lighter, or open. So yeah, it feels like that.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so can you follow that thread with me? If you’re open to it. So your heart is requesting to slow down your headspace, or quiet your headspace – what happens then? Do you feel lighter? Do you feel that you can breathe easier, more open? If you can breathe into that sensation into your heart, and imagining the scenario, feeling this attraction, this inspiration, feeling your heart space… Breathing into that lighterness… What else are you aware of?

Listener: I’m definitely still aware of fear very, very much… But also possibility.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Can I ask you to stay with it?

Listener: Yeah.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: So if you’re aware of the fear, and you’re feeling that heart space that’s so real – what is your heart wanting or needing, feeling that fear?

Listener: Reassurance…?

Dr. Jessica Higgins: What kind of reassurance?

Listener: That I’m not the only one feeling the moment, feeling the possibility.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Is it something to do with, “I’m not alone”?

Listener: It’s something to do with validating the excitement. It’s like I don’t know if I can give myself permission to be excited about the possibility without knowing that it’s a real possibility.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Interesting. So it’s almost like you’re saying, “I would love to do a little check-in…” This is difficult socially, I get, if you’re dating… But it’s like, “I’m having fun – are you having fun?” whether or not it’s just playing with stating what is and inviting a response. Is that kind of what you’re saying? What happens to your heart?

Listener: Yeah, I think it is. But it could even be simpler, because now that I’m really focusing on this… You know, when you’re on a date with somebody, there’s little things – he touches your hand, or something. I notice them, but I tend not to reciprocate them. So if I could perhaps tune that in, I wonder if that would be a starting point.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: If you ask yourself that question, to tune in… I’m almost getting slowed down, right? Really use your body and your senses… But you’re saying, “If I were to notice…”, that might be a good first step. What do you think?

Listener: Yeah, I think if I am in that situation and I can get out of my head and just feel what’s happening, then that might already answer my question of whether or not I’m allowed to be excited about the possibility.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Are you saying that when you’re feeling this excitement you’re not even sure if it’s okay?

Listener: Yeah.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, and what would make it okay? If the other person felt the same way?

Listener: Yeah.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: So you’re saying, in contrast, if you’re excited about someone and they’re not excited about you, that’s not okay…?

Listener: I guess on a very habitual level, yes. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get back in tune with myself, so if I turn that statement around and I say, “It’s not okay for someone to be interested in me if I’m not interested in them”, I don’t agree with that.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: What happens to your heart when I ask you, “Is it okay to honor feeling attracted to someone who you find incredibly handsome or attractive, and intellectually inspiring?” If you ask your heart… Is it okay for me to honor that and feel that?

Listener: Yeah, absolutely.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: …even if they don’t reciprocate.

Listener: Yeah, of course.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, your heart’s saying “Absolutely”, can you say more about that?

Listener: Yeah, it’s fine to honor that. That’s absolutely allowed, and I even respect that. I guess for me it’s maybe a second step, where I’m not allowed to be excited about that feeling unless it has some possibility behind it.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: How come?

Listener: Because if it can’t go anywhere, then honoring the feeling is one thing, but being hopeful for something doesn’t make sense, if there’s no possibility there.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Sure. So is this your head saying, “If I’m attracted and the person’s available for whatever reason or isn’t a match in the sense of values or what we’re both wanting, then I’m essentially getting a no and it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to be hopeful”?

Listener: Yeah.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: That’s fair. But it sounds like what you’re telling me is this is all happening internally before you’ve even given the person an opportunity to feel your excitement and respond.

Listener: Pretty much, yeah. I think you’re right.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: So does the heart have anything there that wants to chime in on that? Because there’s a space I’m trying to identify… You’re shutting it down almost pre-emptively.

Listener: That’s absolutely true. If you’re on a fly on the wall you can watch it happen. It’s not only happening in my head, it’s really clear. What seems to be coming up is I must still have some level of fear of rejection. I think that’s what all of this sounds like.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: So if you breathe into that and connect with your heart and your awareness, that “Possibly I’m afraid of being rejected”…?

Listener: Yes, absolutely.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Is there anything you notice? You’re just like, “Yes! That’s true!”

Listener: [laughs] Sorry. Very scientific mind.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: No, I love it! Is there anything else you’re aware of in that heart space? I know I’m asking you to connect on a more emotional level and it’s way more vulnerable, but if there’s anything else you want to notice about recognizing fear of rejection…

Listener: Yeah… Rejection in and of itself is not that scary. I think if I go strictly to an emotional place, it feels like a small sadness that I wouldn’t get to know or experience that person in-depth.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Totally. Yes, right! So if you breathe into that, there’s this sadness or grief even… Like, “Here’s this amazing person… I’m feeling the yes in me and what possibility could be there.” To be rejected feels sad.

Listener: Yes, of course.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Is there anything else that you’re aware of, just acknowledging that sadness?

Listener: I guess it’s a little bit bittersweet because I feel like it’s their choice, and I have to respect it, but it’s also… Yeah, it’s also a choice on their part, so…

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, what about your heart? Anything else there?

Listener: I would say there’s a hint of — not sadness, some other… Some other feeling that relates to starting over again. I can’t describe it better than that, unfortunately.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: No, that’s good. Okay, so what I’m doing with you right now is just following a thread of connecting with your inner emotional space. We identified the heart space, that’s why I kept tuning you into that. This can be a beautiful place to build a relationship with, because I imagine this is going to be an unfolding process, and honestly, if we had more time I feel like we could deepen and I could help you amplify this. All it is is just breathing into that space, and then what happens next – just naming. Like, “I feel a little twinge of like, oh man, I have to start over again… I don’t know when I’m gonna feel this excitement again”, and the heaviness of that, and then breathe into that, and then what else happens? There will be a thread.

We could follow that, but usually what happens – and I may be cutting this short and I apologize – is there’s a settling into something that feels like you’ve moved through it, to whatever level. It’s essentially partnering with your emotional physiological sensation. That can be a really beautiful guide.

You’re telling me, “The first thing my heart tells me is SHHH! Telling my head to shut up”, right?

Listener: Yeah.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: So we’ve taken this a few steps, but I think you have some beginning steps to work with, which is, if you’re feeling the opportunity and the chemistry initially with someone that you find physically attractive, intellectually inspiring, that if you start calculating, is there a way that you can gently slow down, maybe breathe, and connect with the heart space. You don’t have to have this all figured out. Just allow yourself to notice and honor what is, like “I’m feeling excited.” That’s maybe all you need to feel. Maybe it’s just that acknowledgement of like, “Okay, I’m feeling excited. I’m having fun.” Just breathing into that and then, “What do I want now? What happens now?” Just kind of being in this inner dialogue with yourself. Because if you’re in this pattern when you’re attracted to someone, you start overanalyzing, you emotionally shut down, and your sense of feeling really free and charismatic and responsive and playful, a conversationalist, and all the things that you are…

Listener: Yeah, they all kind of go by the wayside…

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah. When I try that on, I feel extremely truncated. My invitation to you would be to start there, and this is going to be an exploration process. When you’re trying to quiet the mind – and maybe it’s just a matter of breathing and slowing down, and just trying to partner… Almost holding your heart’s hand, like “Okay, what do you want now? What feels good now?” That could just be your practice. Like, “Oh, a glass of wine sounds really good. Does that sound good to you?” It’s just almost stating what is…

I have a client that I’ve worked with for years and he struggled with social anxiety, and he would try to mastermind the whole date before he went on the date. And I’m like, it’s kind of like playing catch – you want to be able to throw the ball and let them respond, but you want to be as clear as you can around your pass, right? Like, “Oh, this feels like such a great evening. I’m having a wonderful time.” Pass the ball; they get to say something, you know? What do you think about that?

Listener: I was just quietly giggling to myself, because of course, as a surgeon, I’m also a recovering control-freak…

Dr. Jessica Higgins: [laughs] …as you should be!

Listener: There’s that! [laughs] Yeah.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah, so my dear, it could be really truly putting on a little bit of a different hat, and I love that you’ve been playing with the play between masculine and feminine, and I believe we all have both. I believe that you probably have such brilliance in being able to honor both parts of those. It just sounds like you’ve had some reservations related to fear, especially about shining really bright, and if you’re meeting someone that matches you, and you’ve gotten flak around being too much, feeling too much, that spelled threatening.

But it’s an interesting thing… If you’re choosing people that may not be a match for what you’re wanting intellectually or otherwise, then you might be too much… [laughter] And you’re recreating the belief of “I’m too much.” But you find someone that is a match vibrationally, or values, or goals, intellectual dialogue or whatever, it’s inviting you into play space. “Play with me.”

Listener: That’s a very intriguing way of describing it. That sounds like something I can explore.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right. So it’s almost like you put on a different hat. Take off your surgeon hat – not that you can’t pick it up sometime during the date, but just to play with this a little bit, to amplify… “Okay, I’m gonna put on this other hat. I’m gonna be in my heart space a little more, I’m gonna be in my body a little more and I’m gonna play a little more. Flirting. I’m gonna have fun. I’m gonna get excited, I might get nervous…” As a physician, you know… The parasympathetic nervous system, using deep belly breathing… You’re such a bright woman that this is going to happen in a nanosecond. It might feel like you’re taking a long pause, but just to breathe… And it’s such a sensual thing to do anyway, just to take a deep breath, take in the night, like “Oh… This is awesome.”

Again, remind yourself over and over again to reconnect with your sensation, your body and your heart. I would just get interested in what would happen next.

Listener: Yeah. I’m already interested in what’s gonna happen next.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, that’s a great starting place. Fear is true. It is a risk. You might get a no, so it is a risk to reach towards somebody; to hold your hands out, or to be like “Wanna play?” and be excited – that person has a choice and it is a risk. You might get a no, but I can guarantee you, the heart space and you being a Yes and sharing with someone that you find intellectually inspiring, physically attractive, and get to be in that playground space together – it sounds like that’s what you’re ultimately wanting. I would imagine dealing with that fear and working with that fear a little more authentically in the interest of that longer-term goal is really worth it.

Listener: Yeah, I’m already excited about it, actually. It sounds much less far away now… I still don’t know how successful I will be at it on the first try or two, but I’m definitely more willing to jump in, and I feel like I have a place to start.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, and that’s all you can do – start with where you are, with what you have. It sounds like you have some good things around slowing the mind down, trusting your heart a little bit more, and just finding that space where you can connect. Because it sounds like once you relax, all the things you know about yourself are going to come online. It’s almost like the way you’ve described the shutdown is all your brilliance goes offline. You’re trying to calculate, and it just feels like not you; you’re not being receptive in the way that you know yourself to be, or as conversationally skillful… So I think that if you start with the things that you have right now, some of these other things are going to start to integrate.

Listener: That would be really cool. [laughs]

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, keep me posted. I would love to share in any little successes, and thank you for being on this show. Is there anything else you want to comment on or close with?

Listener: Yes, I just want to say thank you, not only for today or for this session, but I was… Things were really bad, and the whole podcast community, and you, and Bruce Van Horn and some others changed my life, so I want to say a very heartfelt thank you.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Thank you. That means the world to me, I really appreciate it. I wish you all the best.

Listener: Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: You’re welcome.

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Dr. Jessica Higgins: Thank you for listening to today’s podcast episode, “How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love.” Now, I do think today’s episode touches on a classic paradox and theme in love relationships. That’s the deep heart space of yearning for love, for belonging, for this level of authentic connection, yet we feel our fear, the pain, fear of rejection, not being good enough, and all the hurt and pain that we might have felt in the past being too much. That’s the work, right?

I loved this episode. She’s also talking about getting out of her head. Getting into that headspace can often feel like a protection mechanism, but as you can hear, sometimes it’s really a setup. It gives us this false sense, and it actually works against us. I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s podcast episode. If you have any comments, or would like to offer support to this listener, you can go on the show notes.

You can find those on my website. My website is DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on Podcast, and you can find the most recent episode at the top. Today’s podcast episode is episode 81 – “How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love.” Also, if you’d like to be on the show or you have a topic that you would like me to create a podcast episode on, you can contact me. You can find the ways to reach me on my Contact page on my website. Again, it’s DrJessicaHiggins.com.

Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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