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ERP 090: How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Connection – Part Two [Transcript]

ERP 090: How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Connection – Part II [Transcript]

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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

This podcast is 100% ad-free. To support this show, please subscribe and write a review today. Here is your host.

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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 90, and this is a part two. Last episode I talked about love languages – how to use love languages to strengthen your connection. If you missed that episode, I encourage you to check out part one before listening to this episode, as it will be very connected and you’ll wanna have that information from the first podcast episode. Again, that’s episode 89, part one of How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Your Connection.

If you’re new to this show, I wanna share the main intention of the conversation that happens on this podcast, and that is to improve the quality of your romantic, intimate connection – be it your marriage, your partnership, your relationship… This conversation supports your development and your strengthening that bond, as well as helping you work through challenges more productively, more constructively, so that you can learn the lessons to then evolve the quality of your relationship. So still with the same goal, of strengthening and improving your relationship.

The conversations that happen on this podcast – I will bring a topic to you based on my training, my work with my clients and things that I have been hearing people talk about and I would love to share with you. I also answer your specific relationship wonderings and questions. People submit to me – mostly via e-mail – their questions about things that are going on in their relationship, and I create a podcast episode based on that question.

People also have been on the show, receiving live laser coaching with me. The way that that happens is we schedule time, I record the call, and the person gets the benefit of direct coaching, but also is serving this community and offering all of us listeners to get an insight into that person’s experience and their situation, knowing that we learn from each other; we are inspired by each other, and it’s helpful to have other examples and to see this work in action.

I also host other experts in the field of relationship and couplehood on the show, and I have some guests that I’m lining up now; I also have a series that I’m super excited to share with you guys, so there’s a lot of wonderful things happening around the corner, and I hope you’ll stay tuned.

On a personal note, I’ve actually got a really big headache right now… I went to yoga this morning and the room was so hot, and I think I got a little overheated. I’ve been drinking water and trying to get my electrolytes back up, but if you hear it in my voice, that’s what’s going on.

Also, it’s just been a crazy time for most of my clients. I’ve had a lot of people needing extra support; I have a client that’s in the hospital – not for anything emotional, it’s a physical condition that’s been pretty serious, and just… It’s not always easy to carve out this time, but I just wanted to make this happen before too many days go by. I had every intention to get this episode out very soon after the last episode, so thank you for staying with me.

Today’s podcast episode – I’m gonna do a super brief summary of the love languages. I’m gonna talk about some of the criticisms and just how to work best with the love languages as a tool; I’m gonna talk about how they can be used in a positive cycle in your relationship. I’m also gonna talk about how they can be detrimental and maybe kind of get into a negative cycle in your relationship and what that can look like. I have some good examples for that. Then we’ll talk about other applications of utilizing the love languages, particularly as it relates to gift giving. We’re in the holiday season most of us, celebrating the holidays, so how we can use love languages intentionally and mindfully and thoughtfully with our loved ones, as well as how the love languages may or may not impact our sexual intimacy.

A brief overview – the love languages were developed by Gary Chapman and it’s a categorization of the main ways we express love and how we feel or receive love -s o it’s the giving and the receiving – and that if we’re wanting to communicate, we wanna send a clear message that our partner understands, and if we wanna receive our partner’s communication, we wanna be able to understand their communication. We want our partner to be able to speak in ways that we can understand.

These five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation – this is telling someone you love them and describing to them with verbal words or written words.

2. Physical touch – this is a hug, an embrace, sexual intimacy; this is me showing you, “I love you” through my physical contact and affection.

3. Quality time – love is expressed through “I’m going to be present with you. I’m gonna be with you, spend time with you and give you my attention, my focus. Whether or not we share an activity together, or I just listen or I’m conversating with you and it’s a real focused time.”

4. Acts of service – this is doing something in an expression of love. I’m showing you that I love you through my actions. I’m thinking about you, I orchestrate my life accordingly so I can plan to be able to show up, whether or not it’s running an errand, doing something nice for you, cooking a meal, helping with a project… It’s showing up through action.

People that have this as their primary love language often do not feel loved by words or other ways. It’s “I wanna know through your action. If the action’s not there, it doesn’t mean as much.” So actions speak louder than words or other sentiments.

5. Gifts – this is a tangible, physical object that may have a lot of material value or maybe not, but it’s the “I thought about you, I want to give you a symbol or an object that represents that I’m going out of my way, I’m thinking about you, I want you to feel special and I want you to have something to represent that. I wanna cherish you and love you and get you something to represent/symbolize that.”

Again, recap, shortly:

1 – Words of affirmation

2 – Physical touch

3 – Quality time

4 – Acts of service

5 – Gifts.

These are in no hierarchical order. Some people will list them differently, but they’re all equally valuable.

Years ago I read this book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and I took the quiz. I came up number one, Words of affirmation. My now husband – I think he was my boyfriend at the time – took the quiz as well, and his was Acts of service. If you’ve heard me talk about my last podcast episode, that was important for us to understand, given our number one languages are really different.

Since I was doing this podcast, I thought it would be interesting to take the quiz again, especially because I have been noticing for the last several months how my husband seems to respond to my giving him quality time, and I also value it a lot, and physical touch, as well. We both very much like to have physical affection with one another… So I was thinking maybe they’ve changed, and wanted to see where we fell out.

I took the quiz first, and my number one came out as quality time, and my second was physical touch, and then third was words of affirmation. Then it was acts of service, and then gifts. I shared this with my husband and it was so funny, his response… He was like, “Noooo, that’s not true.” He’s like, “You’re totally Words of affirmation.” He did not believe it first second, it was really comical.

That night we went to dinner, we had a nice time together, and we walking back to the car, holding hands, and he opened the car door for me and I was getting into the car and he said, “I love you!”, and I spun it around and I beamed at him. He was like, “See?! Look at you!” and I was like, “I know…”

It had me thinking that perhaps I have begun to prioritize in the last few years the quality time and physical touch because that’s where we join. Perhaps that’s our relationship love language. That’s the place that we’re extremely strong together, and that’s where we enjoy each other, and that we both give each other our primary love language. I do things for my husband, I make sure I’m following through with things I say I’m gonna do, and I do generous actions for him so he can feel my love, and he also has grown exponentially for the last ten years from where he started to where he is now, in verbalizing his love and communicating that verbally.

I do believe a little goes a long way. If our primary love language is not our partner’s, just making some effort, even occasionally, to fill that bank a little bit… If you imagine a bank, you wanna invest in our account, and as you invest in your account, it builds value. Well, similarly with your relationship – you want your partner to feel cared about and feel loved.

My husband took the quiz, and – no surprise – he fared out as Acts of service number one… It was like ten, and I don’t know if that’s the highest number, but it was definitely number one. Then it was physical touch, quality time, then words of affirmation, then gifts. So I think in our relationship gifts are probably last, and then together we share the quality time and physical touch, and then we have differences. My fourth is acts of service. When I was comparing the statements, like “What would mean more to you – this or that?”, acts of service doesn’t necessarily resonate with me as much. I appreciate it, but it doesn’t help me feel that sensation of love. And similarly with words – it doesn’t necessarily do a whole lot. I think my husband appreciates it, he can see the value of it, but does it light him up inside? I don’t think so.

So both of our primary love languages rank for on the opposite partner, so I think we’ve done a really good job of trying to give each other that, and I think it’s reflected because I was thinking about how high my husband’s acts of service, and I was like, “Do I need to step up my game? Do I do enough for you as far as acts of service?” and he was so sweet… He was just like, “You being you is the biggest gift, and that’s how you can love me the best”, and it definitely made a difference… I mean, those are words, and I can feel the emotion now; even as I’m talking about it, it made me feel really good about our connection and our love together. I think that that’s a reflection of having a love bank that’s fuller, right? If he didn’t feel loved, he might say, “Yeah, it would be nice. I would so appreciate you doing a little bit more to show me you’re thinking about me or caring about me.” That could be real.

The purpose of the love languages is just to gain insight and awareness of our differences, each individual in the relationship, and to be able to invest in the quality of that connection, right? The love languages can be seen as a tool for how we give and receive love in partnership.

It is worth noting that life changes can have an impact on our desired love language. For example, let’s say a woman’s primary love language was words of affirmation, and then she becomes a new mom with her significant other; acts of service becomes more important. There’s a lot of things to do with a new child, with a baby, so the acts of service can demonstrate more love than words, and that might change the focus. Or perhaps someone loses their job – let’s say this is a guy – and before, his primary love language was physical touch. After losing his job, maybe he’s feeling kind of down and maybe not feeling so confident about himself, so hearing words of affirmation and acknowledgment from his significant other could be more meaningful in that situation, help him feel a little more reassured, help lift him up. Life changes can impact the way we would prefer to be loved, given what’s going on for us. That’s just a note.

Alright, let’s get into criticisms of the love languages. I think the biggest criticism is that it’s very general and it’s a little vague. Some people would say it’s maybe like horoscopes. How do people not resonate with something in a horoscope, because perhaps it’s pretty general and it doesn’t account for more of the complexity of dynamics and psychology at play.

Another criticism is that this theory is not steeped in academic findings or research, these are anecdotal. And anecdotal theory doesn’t tell you that it’s gonna work, it just gives you examples of how it can work. Research-based  has been tested, has been tried, and you get a sense of the validity of the theory. Also, the fact that Gary Chapman does come from a theology of Christianity, so if you’re not Christian, particularly the last chapter — he discusses his viewpoints a little bit more in this arena, and that can be off-putting for some people.

I think I read somewhere that he intentionally talked about love languages as broad and as mainstream as possible, so that it could be widely accepted.

One of the criticisms that I find particularly notable is this concept of dependency. “I need you to fill up my love bank. I need you to make me feel loved”, or the tit for tat – I’ll scratch your back, but then I’m expecting you to scratch my back… It’s very hitched on self-interest. “I’m only doing it for you because I really want you to give me what I want”, and that’s I think another form of dependency.

With this criticism in mind, I think it can be important to see and use the love languages from a place of when you genuinely wanna help your partner. As we gain more intimacy and closeness, we wanna love; we genuinely wanna give, and we wanna help. That’s the place these love languages can be useful – how to be more effective, how to be more on point, and funnel your efforts to maximize the effect. That’s, I think, how the love languages can be most useful.

That takes a little work. If you’re not feeling intimately close or knowing each other on a deeper level, then there’s some getting to know each other’s experience and unpacking that, so to speak. That’s one of the things that in my course I give a lot of foundation, container and language and framework for – helping people have these conversations that deepen in their knowing of one another, deepen in the knowing of themselves.

This is a great segue into how love languages can support a positive cycle between you and your partner. First of all, what do I mean by positive cycle? I’m talking about the moves you each make. I make a move, then my husband makes a move, and if they’re both contributing to a positive dynamic, then it inspires us to wanna give more, and it feels positive to both of us; it’s generous. We both feel cared about and considered. And again, that motivates us to wanna protect, to wanna invest, to wanna give and help that feel alive.

I might have mentioned somewhere along the line in one of my podcasts, but I’ll say it again here – I had a professor in my Ph.D. program and she was likening the relationship – not the two individuals, but the relationship – as having life. It’s almost as if the relationship represents a life in and of itself, and that it needs nurturing, it needs sustenance, and most of us come into a relationship with more of a consumer mindset. “What is my relationship gonna give me?” rather than “I wanna nurture and have my relationship grow.” If you’re gonna grow a flower in a pot, you wanna water it, you wanna maybe give it fertilizer and food, you wanna make sure it has sunlight, and you wanna make sure it doesn’t freeze if it gets too cold… You wanna take care of it.

So she’s bringing this metaphor, if you will, to people to consider that relationship deserves to have and flourishes best with attention and nurturing and investment. With that you can see how a positive cycle can help something grow, or a negative cycle can help it feel depleted and drained and atrophying.

If you pause and take a moment to really reflect on your interactions with your significant other, you might be able to identify your contributions. Can you really see your effort and can you see your partner’s effort? Sometimes they will impact one another. There have been times where my husband and I have been able to clearly identify, “Oh, I was conscious of you, I thought about you and I did this”, and then he could say, “Yes, and it inspired me to do this”, and we can point to how that has a positive flow, a positive cycle that is generative.

In my field, particularly, I can tell you conversely – if I’m meeting with a couple that’s in a lot of stress and a lot of conflict, they will be pointing out their moves in a negative cycle. “You did this.” “Well, I only did that because you did this.” “Well, I only did that because you did that!” It’s pointing out the moves, but it’s in a negative flow.

Sometimes we don’t even know if our move is gonna have the impact that we intend. I might wanna cook a meal for my husband in an effort to show him I love him and show him I care for him, yet he might think, “Oh, you’re just doing your part”, and it doesn’t feel like anything extra. So sometimes some explicit language could support the process here.
For example, let’s say I am feeling particularly moved to wanna give to my husband. I could say, “Look, I so appreciate…”, in my style, I’m gonna give them some words of affirmation regardless… I could say, “I so appreciate how hard you’ve been working lately. I really want you to feel my appreciation, my love, my care… I was thinking it would be nice if I took care of all the chores before the weekend, so you could just have the weekend to totally do whatever feels good to you. Would that be nice for you?”

I could even ask him, “Would this land?” and maybe he would want something else. He might say, “No. Actually, if you’re really interested in giving, I would love to take the day with you and go on a beautiful hike.” So it gives him an opportunity to have buy-in and input.
More than anything, I think the love languages are designed to bring awareness how we might experience love differently. If we can be explicit about it, that would increase the likelihood of this communication happening more clearly.

Let’s shift into the negative cycles. I think this is mostly where we’re gonna feel pained. This is the lack of awareness, the understanding or the interest where we can feel hurt, angry and resentful that our partner is not responding, isn’t receiving, isn’t contributing to our love language. We could feel really alone and feel unloved and wonder if we matter.

I think one of the other things that happens is that people will criticize each other’s love language. You might feel overwhelmed, you might feel pressured, like your partner’s telling you “You need to do this, or else…”, the ultimatum… You might push back and you might be like, “Oh, you’re just being superficial. You just want gifts, you’re just spoiled”, something like that, and it’s criticizing the person’s main love language. That can feel really, really painful.

Earlier I was using the analogy of love bank – investing and increasing the connection. I like that analogy. Gary Chapman talks about love tanks. You want your tank (even of gas) to be full. One way of seeing this negative cycle is there could be a leak in the tank. This could be unknowingly… If you’re not aware of your partner’s love language, then you could be missing the opportunity to show love to them, helping them feel loved, or you could be unknowingly rejecting their love, because they’re giving to you in a particular way that might not mean as much to you, but you could be rejecting that. Or you could be unknowingly hurting them and their love language.

I’m gonna give you some examples here, but for words of affirmation, one of the ways of hurting – and this has happened in my relationship with my husband… If he has a tone of voice or uses harsh language or is sarcastic, I think I might be a little more sensitive than someone who doesn’t have words of affirmation as their primary love language. Since words matter to me, if they’re used in ways that have a negative tone to them or content, it might hurt me more. I’m able to receive feedback and I wanna hear constructive criticism, but if it’s done in a way that’s real negative, I will have a reaction to that.

In the category of physical touch, last episode I mentioned a Ted talk, and I think it’s titled something about the sex-starved marriage. She’s talking about men who possibly have their primary language of physical touch, and she’s talking about the cellular, the physiological pain – she’s describing a man in this case – that a man would experience by being rejected and not having physical contact and closeness and sexual intimacy, that it’s extremely painful. She gives science, and that it will feel rejecting and contribute to feelings of feeling unlovable, feeling discouraged…

So there’s the void of the expression of the love language, there’s also the rejecting of it, and then there’s the harm. So for someone in physical touch, this would be maybe inappropriate or hurtful touch – poking, prodding, antagonizing or even in severe cases hitting, slapping and physical abuse.

In the matters of physical abuse, I think that’s gonna be hurtful and harmful to anyone. When we talk about the prodding and maybe the seemingly innocent antagonizing with physical gestures, it might seem like here nor there for someone. But if the person’s love language is physical touch, it might be more upsetting, it might be more painful.

For the category of acts of service and the negative cycle and the harm that can be done in this category – with the void of acts of acts of service, I see that as saying you’re gonna do something and not showing up. Or I’ve had clients describe the pain of hearing that they’re loved, hearing that they’re important, but not having people show up, not feeling like you can count on anybody, not feeling like you’re important enough for people to go out of their way or be inconvenienced… Feel like you matter enough for someone to, again, do what’s required, to show up and do the thing that they said they were gonna do.

Another painful dynamic in this acts of service love language – I had a client recently describing his experience to me, and he was saying growing up, one of the main ways that love was expressed was through action. He saw his father being extremely helpful, taking interest in his significant other’s endeavors and helping and making it his thing to learn about and help with and contribute to. So this client, as he’s describing how important acts of service are to him, he’s describing it’s one of the main ways he knows how to love and offer value. It’s like the most cherished gift he has to give his significant other.

And he was describing the dynamic with his wife, and there had been times where she has not been responsive – and there’s a lot of dynamics around why, but just to focus on this point here, he would feel that his acts of service were not welcome, or even at times rejected or even seen as harmful. And where he went with that, what that felt like for him – he described feeling toxic, feeling like poison; feeling so bad that the most cherished thing he has to give is not helpful and harmful to the person he loves the most. How to come to terms with that and internalizing that, thinking there’s something wrong with him and not good enough, not lovable – it just went to a very painful, painful place.

For the quality time love language – this is where people will feel hurt when their partner’s multitasking, or on their phone… The technoference, where technology is interfering with the connection, and there’s this repetitive quality to the interactions that the person never really is attentive and present; they’re distracted. This is easy to have happen if you have a big family or there’s lots to get done. It’s hard to really give somebody undivided quality time. But over time, again, if there’s not doses of this – again, a little bit goes a long way – someone can feel unimportant, not loved, not cared about, ignored. Or even this concept of stonewalling, when couples get into an argument and they ignore each other and do not respond at all. John Gottman calls that stonewalling. That can be particularly painful for somebody who has quality time as their primary love language.

For the category of gifts as the primary love language, some of the ways that people experience negativity are, as I said earlier, feeling criticized that gifts are important – it’s seen as superficial, shallow, silly, materialistic, and maybe even spoiled. If that’s your love language, it’ll be painful to feel that it’s not okay and that there’s something wrong with you, the fact that you value a tangible symbol of love, a gift, an object.

Some other pain around gifts are around when their loved one forgets an important event or overlooks giving a gift, sees them as not important. Again, they’re gonna feel like not as loved, not cared for, not really considered.

As you can see, I’m just describing some examples of how people can get into a real negative cycle inadvertently, causing a little more pain that they probably think they are without awareness to these love languages.

Let’s shift our attention to how love languages can support the way we celebrate holidays or major events. Many of us go into relationship with expectations. Most of these expectations come from our past experiences, be it our family or other experiences with other loved ones. We’ll bring traditions, we’ll bring associations around what people do during the holidays. It can be really helpful to talk with your partner about some of your hopes or desires or expectations, because often times couples will not have this discussion and then they’ll have some level of disappointment or upset. Hoping and wishing your partner would give you a certain thing, or spend a certain amount of time with you, or make a special opportunity to be connected in some way.

Or you could go to great lengths to give to your partner in this extravagant way and they’re like, “Oh, thanks…”, like it doesn’t really matter as much as you would want it to matter. So there can be conflict, tension and real disappointment that can, again, leak this love investment, or this love connection. You wanna strengthen it, not deplete it. So if you can have an honest conversation about your hopes or expectations as it relates to celebrations and holidays, this can get you guys on the same page, get you talking, build awareness around “What are you expecting, what are you coming in with with your previous experience?” Some of the traditions – whether or not it’s “Do you celebrate Christmas at all? Do you celebrate a different holiday? Do you like to do something active, like go for a hike?”

One of my best friends, she and her family play turkey bowl on Thanksgiving; they play tag football together as a family. Maybe you like to volunteer over the holidays.

One client told me that for Christmas he would always get a book. Everyone in his family, growing up, would get a book., and after their Christmas dinner, they would all read together. I thought, “Oh, that’s a sweet tradition that they do.”

With your partner, it might be helpful to share what your traditions are. You can talk together about which ones you wanna keep, which ones you wanna let go of, or maybe ones you wanna incorporate, new ones you wanna create together.

With this awareness, with this discussion around expectations, I think you can be way, way more intentional. This thoughtfulness can be extremely beneficial, because couples often get swept away in the busyness of the seasons – holiday parties, different events to go to, expectations, getting gifts… There’s a lot of things that people are doing, so it can be easy to get distracted from your normal ways of connecting. It’s important to be intentional and thoughtful about how you’re gonna be there for one another, how you’re gonna create this climate of connection together, how you’re gonna invest in your bond, in your relationship. At a family gathering, are you gonna spend some time to just be close together? Do you pull each other aside and share an appreciation of one another? Do you carve out a little time, maybe go for a little walk if you’re visiting family for a longer period of time?

I’d like to give you some examples and some ideas of ways that you could give a gift in each love language. Giving a gift to someone with words of affirmation as their primary love language would be something along the lines of a sweet love letter or card, where you’re describing how much they mean to you, sharing about your love for them, and what you appreciate about them, and anything else that talks about the impact they’ve had in your life.

For someone with the love language of physical touch, as you could imagine, giving to them in some physical way – it doesn’t have to be sexual intimacy, it could be “Let me massage you. I wanna give you a head-to-toe massage.” Or maybe it’s giving them a gift certificate to get a manicure, a pedicure, or maybe getting a couple’s massage together.

For someone with the love language of quality time, as you could imagine, scheduling a date together where you’re focused on one another, whether or not it’s sharing a meal and having an in-depth conversation that you don’t get the opportunity to do… Or maybe it’s going to do something fun together, going ice skating or going to the museum. This could really give the experience of spending time together. Maybe it’s a date one night, or maybe it’s even a weekend getaway. Or maybe it’s a gift for a weekend getaway. That could be beautiful.

For someone with the acts of service love language, perhaps you want to do something extra special and nice for them, whether or not it’s cooking their favorite meal and making it very special – setting the table beautifully, having the whole ambiance done… Or maybe it’s throwing a party with them, that’s something that they could really enjoy with their favorite friends and family. Or maybe they’re working on a project and they haven’t been able to complete it and you’re like, “I wanna give you four hours of my time. Let’s just really put some concerted effort and let me show up and really help you with this project.” I wanna give to you in this way.

For someone with the love language of gifts, I imagine you’ll wanna purchase some gift for them, but again, it’s not the expense that matters most, it’s the thought. Can you pay attention to what they’ve been talking about, things that they like, something they’ve said they needed, or something that they really enjoy. That thought, and you going through the effort to really think about them and what would be really nice for them – it would have a lot of meaning and it would be something they would experience a lot of joy in receiving.

I think the love languages also relate to our sexual intimacy. I’m sure the love languages would show some relevance to probably any aspect of your life. Sex is something that people typically value in their intimate relationship, and I love this quote by John Gottman… He says, “Everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.” So if we use the love language, we wanna think about our partner’s love language, their primary love language, and is there a way to support the sexual intimacy through that language? For me being words of affirmation, words actually help me feel more connected with my husband in our sexual intimacy. It might have a bigger impact on me than it would for someone else. Those words, hearing his love for me or hearing his desire or whatever it is, helps me connect more fully, for someone who has physical touch as their primary love language, right? They might want a little more physical affection; that helps them feel more connected sexually, and wanna share in that level of intimacy. Or quality time, or acts of service, or gifts. These things can help, and you could make it specific to sexuality. It could be very erotic words, erotic touch, it could be time that has a very sexual focus to it, and acts of service and gifts. I think you could apply this to the sexual connection.

I wanna invite you to challenge yourself to do one thing in your partner’s primary love language. Now, if you wanted to do a higher level version of this, you could do a seven-day challenge where every day you do something little in your partner’s love language. If you wanna take me up on my challenge, I wanna ask you which option you prefer… Do you wanna do just one, or do you wanna do a seven-day challenge? Most of us are in the holiday season and are feeling more busy, so just one thing might be enough.

Now that you’ve decided if you wanna do one thing or if you wanna do a seven-day challenge, you wanna get creative. You wanna think about what ways would be easy, but also make an impact. For physical touch would it be, “Let me massage your neck” or “Let me rub your feet”? Or do both – one one day and one the next day. Would it be just “Let me give you a loving embrace?” or “Let me hold your hand”? These things you could do – they’re small, but they could mean a whole heck of a lot.

Or with words, tell them what you appreciate about them. One thing. Maybe one thing each day. That would be the world to somebody with words of affirmation. Or even just taking — for somebody that has quality time, maybe it’s just sitting down, like “I would love to hear something you’d like to share about your day” and really giving them some quality time. Even if it’s 30 minutes, but that concentrated, focused space.

I encourage you to think about one thing that you could do that you could feel really good about that would land in the category of your partner’s primary love language. I hope you have fun with this!

If you have a comment or you experience something with this challenge or taking the quiz, I would love to hear from you. You can comment on the show notes page, and you can find the show notes on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, find episode 90 there at the top, and scroll down to the bottom and find the comments section. I would love to hear from you, hear your experience, hear your thoughts, anything about this topic.

If you have questions about being on the show or working with me, receiving some coaching with me or doing one of my courses, please reach out to me. You can find me on my website also, click on Contact  and you can find all the ways to reach me there: via e-mail, you can leave me a voicemail straight from the website, you can call me… I would love to hear from you. I am wishing you all the best this holiday season. Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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