ERP 122: How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, with Arielle Ford [Transcript]

ERP 122: How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, with Arielle Ford

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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Dr. Jessica Higgins: Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 122, “How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, with Arielle Ford.” Allow me to take a moment and really talk about the belief and the place in which I’m speaking from on these episodes on the Empowered Relationship Podcast. I truly believe intimacy, romantic, long-lasting partnership poses a rich, complex terrain for us to negotiate, and most of us, as we’re gonna talk about a little bit more today, are not prepared for that terrain. We have expectations or are just unfamiliar and do not have the modeling or the education or the training of how to do relationship well

On the Empowered Relationship Podcast I am trying to cover a full spectrum of relationship experience, and that’s both speaking to the individual experience, as well as the relational experience, the relationship dynamics. And when I say full spectrum, I’m meaning the challenges, the places that we are confronted with threat, fear, vulnerability, and that are in my mind great opportunities for growth, for healing and evolving. In my mind, it’s one of the best places that we can develop ourselves.

Then on the other end of the spectrum is the heightened pleasure and ecstasy and romance and passion, the love where our hearts get perhaps just awakened, when we feel that love, that bond, that connection. And the middle ground of that spectrum is the stable, consistent, secure relationship that we contribute to and choose to commit to again and again, moment by moment, day by day.

As we look at this full spectrum, realizing that it takes a level of investment to cultivate doing every part of the spectrum well, ultimately my goal is to support you to feel more prepared, more well-equipped within your relationship.

I do this by providing content and material and examples and stories for you to learn from, from my own experience, my own training and education. I also interview other experts in the field, like today… Again, we have Arielle Ford joining us. I also answer listeners’ questions; if you have a question you would like to submit, again, you can visit my website, click on Contact and you can find the ways to reach me there. Also, if you’re interested in getting live laser coaching, you can find out how to do that there as well.

If you’re interested in deepening in these practices, in these principles and how to do relationship well, develop these skills, I encourage you to check out the Connected Couple program. At the end of the show I will be giving you a special gift for that program, so I encourage you to stay tuned towards the end.

Let’s get started with today’s episode. Again, this is episode 122, “How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, with Arielle Ford.”

Arielle Ford is a love and relationship expert and a leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement. For the past 25 years she has been living, teaching, and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is a speaker and the producer and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series.

Arielle is a gifted writer and the author of 11 books, including Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate devoted to exploring a simple, fun and effective way to attain groundbreaking shifts in perception so that you can embrace and find the beauty and perfection in yourself and your mate. She calls this “going from annoyed to enjoyed!”

She has been called “The Cupid of Consciousness” and “The Fairy Godmother of Love.” She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband/soulmate, Brian Hilliard and their feline friends.

Arielle, thank you for being on the show!

Arielle Ford: Oh, you’re so welcome. It’s great to talk to you!

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, I actually have known about your work for a while. I got turned on to the Art Of Love series, somebody had recommended it to me, and I think I’ve been an attendee a couple years, and I just love all the connection you have with the experts in the love and relationship field and the work you’re doing. It’s a huge gift to people.

So would you be willing — people maybe that aren’t familiar with your work, would you be willing to just share a little bit about what got you into the field of love and relationship?

Arielle Ford: Sure, because it certainly wasn’t by design. I didn’t wake up one morning thinking “Oh, I wanna be a love expert.” What happened was I did wake up one morning at the age of 43 and had this crazy epiphany which was essentially “Oh my god, I forgot to get married!” When I started thinking about it, I realized I had been putting all of my time and energy and efforts into building my career, because back then I worked as both a book publicist and a literary agent, and I had this booming business representing Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Louise Hay, Don Miguel Ruiz, Neale Donald Walsch – all the superstars in personal growth, and I was having a great time. But I was also really lonely on Saturday nights when I did have some free time. So I decided to use every single thing I’d ever used to build my business around manifesting and the law of attraction to manifest a soulmate. Within six months it all came together. A year later we got married and that was 20 years ago.

But then once I got married, I discovered that I had zero partnership skills. I had no clue what I was doing, and I had gone into this marriage with this misbegotten belief that if you’re with your soulmate, it’ll just be easy and breezy, and all that stuff about “Marriage is hard work” was not gonna be true for me… If only. [laughter] So I quickly had to pivot and dedicate myself to becoming a student of love, to figure out what does it really take to spend the rest of your life with your soulmate.

So that was the beginning of my path. As single women over 40 came across me and met my husband, they would pull me aside and say to me “Well, how do I get a Brian?” and I would share my technique that I call “the soulmate secret” and then they would get married. But then later on they’d say “Okay, how do you not kill your soulmate?” [laughs] which unfortunately there are days that even though you are with your soulmate, it will drive you crazy and you will want to do bodily harm to them… [laughter] So that’s why I ended up writing Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate.

So that is the super short version of how I ended up here today, as opposed to smiling and dialing for my author clients.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love it, I love it. So it’s interesting, your description about even having a soulmate and feeling inadept or ill-prepared for an actual long-term co-creating of relationship and what that’s all involved. I feel like that’s pretty much the mission of this podcast, and I come at it from my background as a psychologist, but I’ve told listeners too that I also have had a huge hand in the personal growth field and was at a living enrichment center when it was operating in Portland, Oregon, and all of these speakers that you’re naming were there as well, so this has been very much a part of my path as well; I just don’t focus on those law of attraction principles as much as I do — I mean very little do I, actually… I focus more on the psychology. My dissertation was actually on this topic, so it’s such a gift to have the complement of what you — I mean, the wealth of experience and training that you bring, to be able to kind of share with us how you’ve navigated this terrain.

Let’s turn our attention to another thing. When you talk about soulmate – because I know some people who have reached out to me and they contemplated “Was this person ever really my soulmate?” That’s one of the things that most people wonder.

Arielle Ford: Right, right.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: But also people who do have a soulmate, but then feel like they lost that loving feeling, so to speak… Can you talk a little bit about that?

Arielle Ford: Sure. So I define a soulmate as somebody that first and foremost you can completely be yourself with; somebody with whom you share unconditional love, and when you look into their eyes, you have the experience of being home. If you accept that definition, the truth is we all have many, many soulmates. It could be your parents, your kids, your siblings, your coworkers, your best friends… Even your cats and your dogs fit into that description (or some of them do). So if you’re single, the good news is a) you already have a lot of soulmates, and if you want a romantic one, the fastest, best way to get one is to put attention every day on gratitude for all the love you already have. Because when you’re grateful for all the love you already have, nothing’s missing and your heart becomes magnetic to romantic love.

If you’re married to somebody that you said “Yes, that was once true. I once believed they were my soulmate, but today I’m angry, frustrated, disappointment, ready to jump, think the grass is greener somewhere else” – the truth is at least 90% of you are with your soulmate, and what we need to do is clear out all the gunk and all the frustration and all the disappointment to get you back to being able to feel the love… Which brings me to the thing I most love to share with people, which is “Guys, you don’t really know what love is.” [laughter] You think love is a feeling, and it is – it is a feeling, but it’s so much more than there; the really important thing about love is that it’s a behavior, it’s a practice, it’s a decision, it’s a choice, and it’s perfectly normal to have days when you’re angry, frustrated, disappointed and upset with your soulmate. That’s just normal, it’s part of what I call “nature’s trick.”

Nature’s trick is you meet somebody, your eyes lock across a crowded room, your brain starts cascading dopamine and adrenaline and oxytocin and hormones that we can’t even pronounce, and you go into this state that we call “being in love”, which honestly, Jessica, I believe that it’s the socially-acceptable form of insanity. And then it lasts for 6 to 18 months generally, and then it disappears and you wake up one day married to this person, and you’re like “Oh my god, who is he/she? How did I get here?” and that’s perfectly normal. It’s not fun, but it’s normal.

So what I’ve discovered is that if people understood what’s true about marriage – and I’m gonna talk specifically about legal marriage, where you take sacred vows, because it isn’t always true about living with somebody. When you’re married, the purpose of marriage is to heal all our childhood wounds. Harville Hendrix, who Oprah calls “the marriage whisperer”, one of the world’s leading marriage researchers – Harville says that our brain has an unconscious partner picker, and we pick somebody who comes with the playbook, with the owner’s manual on how to push all our buttons so that we can be healed. So the true path of the soulmate marriage is the deepest, most amazing spiritual work to heal ourselves and each other… And it’s not always fun.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, thank you for saying that, because I believe full-heartedly with you that if one can look at — what did you call it? The nature’s…

Arielle Ford: Nature’s trick.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Nature’s trick – when that trick gets revealed and it’s like “Oh gosh, I didn’t realized you were actually like this” and we get confronted with that, it’s easy to wanna blame it or question, or doubt (“Is it you? Is it me? Is it us?”), so I feel like you’re really speaking to a paradigm shift, that if we can look at it as an invitation to say yes to this deeper work, then it’s a game changer.

Arielle Ford: Yeah, and there’s two things about that I wanna share. First, I wanna give you the really bad news – statistically, we all know that 50% of first marriages end in divorce, okay? Everybody knows this. But what most people don’t know is that 64% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. And the only thing that’s consistent in all three marriages is you. So while it looks like the problem’s over there, chances are that’s not true. So that’s the bad news.

Now, here’s some slightly good news – my other favorite marriage researcher is Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington, who has this thing called The Marriage Lab; he’s been studying this for probably 50 years by now. He’s amazing. He has found that every couple – not just some, every single couple – has a minimum of nine irreconcilable differences. These are things on which you’re never, ever gonna agree on, and I’ll give you an example of some of them. It might be that you’re a spender, he’s a saver; you’re the messy one, he’s the neat-nick, or vice versa (he wants everything perfect). One person wants sex every day, the other person wants it once every two months. One’s the late person, one’s the on-time person. Is any of this sounding familiar?

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Of course.

Arielle Ford: And none of this is gonna change. So what’s the solution? The solution is first and foremost to understand that this is normal, it’s supposed to be this way, and our job in the relationship is to find creative solutions to our differences; not to try and change anybody, because nothing’s gonna change… But how do you come up with a creative solution? And if you want, I can give you an example from my own life, because trust me, this is what sent me on the path of being a student of love.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, go for it. I’ve shared many of mine too, so yes, I would love to hear.

Arielle Ford: So one of the first things that came up – well, there were two, but one of the biggest ones for me was the spender/saver thing. I grew up in a lower middle-income house, where every single day my parents thought about money. I grew up thinking we were the poorest people in the world, which I later found out wasn’t true; we just never had any money, but I never missed a meal. So growing up, my commitment to myself was “I am always gonna make a lot of money and I’m gonna hang on to it, because I was afraid of becoming [unintelligible 00:17:57.25]” Then I marry a guy who grew up in a very affluent home; money was never an issue. He had everything growing up, and then he got out of college and he made a ton of money. So he was used to having the best of everything. His mother taught him only to buy designer goods, because they were made of quality and they last longer. I had always bought everything deeply discounted, on sale. Brian had never shopped a sale, I’ve never paid retail.

And then suddenly, we’re pooling our money, and even though money wasn’t an issue because we both came into the relationship earning good money, I was appalled at the way he was spending our money, and it was really annoying to the point where we had to have a conversation or several conversations about that… And nothing effectively changed until I was willing to get honest and vulnerable with him and tell him about my money fears. That every time I would see him pick up the check when other people had invited us to dinner and they had ordered expensive bottles of wine, I was like “Oh, my god…!”

So he explained his background, I explained mine, and eventually what we came to was that we would have three accounts – my money, his money and our money. And when it came to our money, if anybody was gonna spend more than $500, we would have a conversation about it… Because we were both very financially responsible around money, it was just my fear. And while I’ve been in therapy and I’ve worked on my poverty consciousness for years and years, and I’ve gotten really good, there’s still a remaining 5% where I get triggered… But I have a spiritual toolbox where I handle that. Most of the time it’s not even anything he’s done or spent money on, because I have taught him to shop sales and he now loves that…

Dr. Jessica Higgins: [laughs] He’s like “I can get the same quality for less?”

Arielle Ford: He came home from Saks Fifth Avenue one day and was like “Look at this Armani sports coat I got. It was 80% off, it was a close-out sale!”

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Oh, it’s hysterical…

Arielle Ford: Yeah, but that’s what happens, and that’s the point of it. I once asked Harville Hendrix, I said “Give me an example from your life of when you and Helen were having this issue around something and how you solved it?” and he goes “Oh, that’s easy.” He said “I’m always earlier on time, and Helen is always late. And one day I was sitting at dinner in a restaurant waiting for her to come, and she was a half hour late. By then, my stomach was in knots. And when she arrived, I was so happy to see her, and I was so upset that I said to her ‘Helen, I need to tell you why it’s so difficult for me when you’re late”, and he told this story about how one morning his mother got up and went to work, and then she never came home; she died at work. So any time Helen was late, his emotional being went to “Oh my god, she must be dead.”

He said, “I understand things come up and sometimes you’re late, but you have to let me know”, and Helen was so moved and so touched, because she never understood why Harville was always giving her such a hard time about being late, that from then on when she was gonna be late, she was trained to call him.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, thank you for sharing those examples. I do believe that really helps to connect with the real experience of it, rather than just a concept.

Arielle Ford: Well, especially for men, because they need to understand the why. You may want them to take out the trash, but if he doesn’t understand that taking out the trash allows him to be the hero, so you don’t have to get your hands dirty, then he won’t forget to take out the trash. But if you’re just bugging him and annoying him and nudging him to take out the trash, he’s just gonna get annoyed with you. But once he understands that you’re gonna be happy and grateful and he knows that you don’t have to smell the stinky trash, then he’ll remember.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, it just feels like the component there is like you were responding to the doubt that sometimes people have, or the worry of like “Is it you? Is it me?”, so if we are trying to control or trying to change our partner, that we can enter into these dialogues of like “I’d love to share and soften and be vulnerable and share what my experience is”, and that allows for connection and the wanting to help and the wanting to care. It comes from a very different place to be caring for each other than trying to control each other.

Arielle Ford: Right, and the important part of this is really understanding that this is your best friend, your partner, your biggest cheerleader, your lover for life, your safe place to land, and approach these conversations from a place of love and kindness and respect. So if you’re really angry, that is not the time to get a conversation; go get yourself to neutral. I’m sure that people listening to you — if you spent all that time with Mary Morrissey, you’ve taught them well… [laughs] And they know – get yourself to neutral, and then open up a conversation that says “You know honey, I know how much you love me and I know you would never consciously do something to make me crazy, and when you did a, b, c, I really felt x, y, z”, and then shut up and stop talking, and let him respond.

I give these methods for how to have dialogues in my book Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, so you don’t have to figure it out all on your own; I teach you how to have the conversations and also how to listen effectively.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, nice. Do you find that it’s easy for people to basically turn the attention inward?

Arielle Ford: No, it’s not easy at all, because we wanna lash out. We’re triggered, we wanna start screaming “You stupid idiot, how could you possibly blah-blah-blah?”, but that doesn’t get you where you wanna go, and then you’ll say things you wish you hadn’t said that really aren’t true. And who knows what they said, what it triggered that might be an earlier similar kind of situation and we’re looking to blame, and the truth is nobody wakes up in the morning thinking “Hm, how can I make Arielle absolutely miserable today? What could I say or do that’s gonna drive her totally nuts?” Nobody wakes up thinking these things, and yet we react to people as if they did wake up that way.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right, it’s so true.

Arielle Ford: We’re twisted. Really, I was telling somebody the other day, I said “The hardest part of life isn’t life, it’s the other human beings in life.” [laughter] That’s really the hard part, dealing with them, because we’re so reactive… And the truth is all of us want the same thing – we all wanna be loved and accepted for exactly who we are, and if you can’t count on your spouse to do that and if your spouse can’t count on you to do that, something’s really off.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right, right. Well, I think that that’s one of the reasons why I really appreciate people like yourself, or however they’re coming at this topic, that it inspires people to believe in the possibility of long-term, lasting, authentic love and connection, that I feel if we can believe in this other way of doing things, or this paradigm shift, and believe what is possibly through the fire, what’s on the other side, I do believe it motivates us to do some of that work of when we’re feeling threatened or feeling triggered.

I was just talking to a client the other day that was inquiring; he’s like “I’ve never even been taught these skills.” He’s been exposed to The Five Love Languages, but other than that…

Arielle Ford: Yes, and that’s a great starting place, but that’s not gonna get you through an argument or the day-to-day annoyances. And he’s right, nobody taught us this stuff, and most of us didn’t grow up in a home where great love behavior was modeled, just the opposite. We’re responding the way we watched our caregivers respond, and most of the time it was badly.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, yes. So can you speak about — I feel like we’re so in alignment, everything you’re saying, like “Yes…!” The law of attraction, and the kindness and the good will, and cultivating love and that vibration is powerful in how we approach — like you said a little while ago, if we enter into a conversation coming in hot, angry, that likely is not gonna have a positive result. Can you talk about that aspect a little bit?

Arielle Ford: Well, there really are not law of attraction fixes for relationship. I mean, you attracted the relationship, but I find that the law of attraction works really good when we have a deep desire. So you can have a deep desire for a great relationship, but if you don’t learn the skills of clear communication and active listening, and wanting to have connection, sharing appreciations with your partner – if you don’t have those things, there’s nothing in the law of attraction that’s gonna implant them in your brain.

So I find that the law of attraction is super useful for bringing in the soulmate, but learning how to keep the soulmate is a whole new skillset.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right, absolutely. I concur completely; that’s partly what my whole work is about – teaching these principles – but I feel like you’re doing such a brilliant job… And maybe I’m wrong in this question, but I can speak for myself – when I can connect with my intention of cultivating love and holding myself capable and responsible for the person I wanna be in my marriage, that if I can enter into that place and feel that love in my heart, if that’s my orientation, if that’s my guide, it completely shifts… If it was just in my head or if I’m taskmastering it out… [laughs] If I don’t drop into my heart, sometimes I have a harder time cultivating that love and generosity that I would…

Arielle Ford: [laughs] Well, that makes perfect sense. You can’t think your way through love. You can feel it and you can be it and you can be in action about it… But if you’re just thinking about it – that’s great, I’m thinking all the time, but it’s not getting me where I wanna go. Love is a really tricky topic, because so much of what I see happening out there is — you know, I come across a lot of women that really believe they’re leading a healthy, spiritual lifestyle; they could be eating non-GMO, organic food, green juice fasting, going to hot yoga, reading Hay House books, meditating, practicing mindfulness, and then they come home and the first thing that happens is they have these angry, judgmental thoughts about their spouse. And the science is now showing that for every minute you have an angry, judgmental thought, you suppress your immune system for up to eight hours. That the number one way to guarantee a long, healthy, happy life is to have a happy marriage. So I really want to encourage people to start putting relationships number one on their priority list, over food and exercise and meditation. All of those things are good, but the missing piece to the puzzle is really focusing on love.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love that. So do you have a tip that you can offer around that? I know we’ve been talking about a lot already, but is there something…?

Arielle Ford: Yeah, there’s two. One is awareness. So when you catch yourself having these thoughts, stop. Just stop for a moment and internally say to yourself “Cancel, cancel”, and then replace it with a better thought. So awareness is really important.

The second thing is if you’re in a place where you are really upset with your spouse, go get yourself to neutral, whatever that takes for you; get yourself to neutral, and then give yourself 15 minutes to get a pen and paper and start writing down memories. What was it like when you met? How did you feel when you met them? What are some of the best experiences that you’ve had? What are the things in the past you most admired and respected and admired about him? What are the happiest memories you share together as a couple? Just write it all down, and then go back and read the list, and then write them the most beautiful, gushiest love letter ever. Just write them this killer love letter and put it inside an “I love you just because…” card, and put it somewhere where they’ll find it when you’re not around. That would be a really beautiful step to creating a new connection.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: I like that exercise, I’m gonna try that. Can you give us one example of how to “cancel, cancel” and have a different thought?

Arielle Ford: Yeah. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll look in the mirror and it’s like “Oh my god, gravity is really working on your face today”, and then I’ll just say “Cancel, cancel. I have the perfect face at the perfect time, and I love my smile.”

Dr. Jessica Higgins: That’s beautiful. Excellent. Well, these are all really great concepts and practices and tips that you’re sharing with us. Is there anything you wanna say before we start turning our attention to how people can get connected with you?

Arielle Ford: You know, I would say that if you’re about to run out the door, you think you’re finished, and he/she was never your soulmate – you once thought they were, but you still think that maybe they’re not – I would really encourage you to just give yourself six more months. Six more months of taking baby steps; read my book Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, see if you can reignite and restart your relationship, because like I said earlier, there’s a 90% chance that they are your soulmate and they still can be, but there’s just weeks or months or years of gunk into place that can be cleared up.

You don’t have to revisit every fight, you just have to decide that you want to have a more loving, deeper connection, and your partner doesn’t even have to participate. If you are the one who’s brave enough to start making the changes, then chances are they will start making changes automatically. There’s only one place in which none of this can be true – if there’s abuse or addiction in your marriage… Then please seek professional counseling, because this stuff is nice, but it’s not gonna fix those kinds of problems.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. Arielle, I have some ideas for myself around the six months, but I would love to hear it – is it just giving people an opportunity to experiment, or giving someone an opportunity to adjust to your new ways? What have you found with the six months?

Arielle Ford: Well, I think it’s a lot in your communication, how you talk to people, the tone of voice that you use… If you’re gonna tackle the conversations, only one item per conversation. It’s not like we’re gonna sit down and we’re gonna handle these three or seven things today; one thing at a time, and you can do it in a way that’s completely non-threatening. If you walk into a room and say to somebody “Hey, we have to talk”, that’s like the doctor walking in saying “Hey, you have cancer.” You terrify people and you make them defensive. But if there’s something important to you – you could wake up in the morning and you could say “Honey, I have a problem I really need your help with, and it will only take ten minutes. Is there some time today where we can go for a quick walk and you can help me with my problem?”

Then you go for your walk and you can just basically say “Here’s what my problem is, because I know how much we love each other and things are generally pretty good, but recently I’ve noticed blah-blah-blah, and it would really be so useful for me if you’d be willing to try a, b, c. What do you think?” and then shut up and see what they offer. And whatever they offer, even if it’s something you’re really opposed to, you could say “You know, I really understand your point of view. I could really see how that would make sense for you, and for me would you be willing to try d, e, f?”

You have to do it from this place of being a friend, and being kind, and being open to hearing. It may be that they’re just — I’ve had Brian tell me a couple of times “No, this is just never gonna change”, and it’s like “Okay, alright”, so I’m gonna have to find a way to make a new story up about whatever it is that he’s doing.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Or take care of yourself in the midst of that circumstance.

Arielle Ford: Yeah, because I do things that drive him crazy that are never gonna change. I’m the slob, I’m the messy one in the family, and he figured that out early on and he finally said to me one day, he said “I realize that you just don’t even see the crumbs around the toaster. You just don’t see them.” [laughter] He goes “So I just want you to know it’s okay, and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life cleaning up after you.” He said “I’m the one who has the problem with the crumbs, you clearly don’t.” I’m a very messy eater; I spill my food on myself and anybody else at the table, and I don’t care. He’s always picking stuff off me, or saying “Oh, you spilled”, as if I didn’t know I spilled, right? But it just doesn’t plug us in anymore; that’s who I am, and he’s very happy to tell people “Oh, Arielle’s messier than a bus full of third-graders.” [laughter] We just make fun of it, it’s just what’s so.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes… And if I can just one say one thing – it feels as though when you’re talking, and your example of asking to go for a walk or inviting a walk, it’s catching it sooner, rather than all of the resentment and all of the baggage that makes it so overwhelming and volatile that you then approach these conversations.

Arielle Ford: Gay Hendricks taught me a way to handle the stuff you’ve been suppressing for 20 years, and it’s really brilliant. The way you say it is, you know, once you get them to agree to have this friendly short meeting with you, it’s like “You know what? I have a confession to make… There’s something that’s been driving me crazy for 20 years, and I’ve never said anything about it because I’ve been terrified that you won’t love me anymore and you’ll think badly about me, but I realized that I’ve realized that I need to just come clean and confess, and I hope you can just bear with me on this, because I’m really scared.”

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Nice, yes. I absolutely love it and support it, one hundred and a million percent. Okay, so Arielle, let people know how they can get in touch with you, find your book, engage with what you have to offer…

Arielle Ford: My website is, and if you go there and you want some free chapters to turn your mate into your soulmate, you can do that. I also have a tab on the site called Free Stuff, so you can check that out as well. And I’m at

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Lovely. I encourage everybody to use what she has to offer for free, and perhaps if things resonate, to engage in purchasing a book, or — you offer programs, right?

Arielle Ford: Yes, most of them are for singles wanting to manifest a soulmate, so if that’s where you’re at and you’re ready for love, go to

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay. All of these links will be on the show notes for today’s episode. Arielle, thank you so much for, again, spending this time and sharing your wisdom with us.

Arielle Ford: Thank you, it’s really been fun talking to you.

I hope you have enjoyed this interview. I had a great time talking with Arielle, and if you’ve listened to my show for any length of time, you could probably hear just the similarities in the way in which we think about relationship and the way that we talk about relationship. I love that she’s really encouraging anyone, everyone to consider really developing relationship skills.

Again, we are not modeled, we are not taught, we are not ever really given these practices or these principles or skills, and as I mentioned in the interview, I just recently had a couple that I’m now working with, and I was talking to the husband, the gentleman in the relationship, and he said after our consultation “I’ve never ever even heard of these skills, I’ve never known about these skills” and just feeling a little out of the loop. And I was like “I don’t blame you. Most of us, unless you’re eagerly, actively self-studying, it’s very difficult to develop these skills.”

I am so grateful that I have a program to offer you that does exactly this – helps you develop the relationship skills. I’m thrilled that I was able to distill my education, my research from a dissertation, my years of working with clients in my private practice and in my coaching work, and providing a fully comprehensive, step-by-step system to make this process the most efficient, the most guided, supported and easy process of learning these principles. Many of you have been asking for a self-paced version, so now I have that to offer you. And as I mentioned, I have a special gift, just for a few weeks only; it’s a 20% off discount.

You can go to today’s show notes to find that code, but I’ll give it to you as well – it’s “fall2017”, and you can find the information page at You can also find the link on the show notes, which is Click on Podcast and you can find the show notes there, under each episode. Today’s episode is 122.

If you are pondering engaging in this program, or if you have questions, reach out to me. My e-mail is

Thank you for listening to today’s show, it’s always a pleasure to share this time with you. Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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(In Ways That You Didn’t Think Were Possible).