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Topic: Fear of outshining in relationship

In ERP 150: What to Do When Stuck in Self-Sabotage, I addressed how it is sometimes difficult to accept and embrace new levels of success, love and abundance. Unconsciously, we have a tendency to sabotage the expansion process because of old limiting beliefs.

“The Upper Limit Problem is our universal human tendency to sabotage ourselves when we have exceeded the artificial upper limit we have placed on ourselves.” by Gay Hendricks, (The Big Leap, page 197)

The Fear of outshining your partner

The fear of outshining is when one partner is afraid of outshining their partner, and actively works to monitor and dim their expression as a form of protection.

In the article, Are you inadvertently dimming your light? When you have a pattern of being afraid of outshining she makes some great options about how people struggle with the fear of outshining others.

“When you try not to outshine, it’s about the People Pleaser in you that wants to protect somebody from feeling bad due to you feeling good or doing well in a particular area.” by Natalie

3 Examples of How people struggle when afraid to outshine, by Natalie:

• “Not wanting to ‘outshine’ with your feelings and opinions. This is likely to be the case if you were raised by someone who dominated the home with their feelings, opinions, needs etc., possibly belittling yours in the process.
• Putting aside a talent or hobby out of fear that your peer group will ostracize you. This is especially likely to be the case if you were bullied or penalized in some way for seemingly outshining when you were a child.
• Suffering from the Imposter Syndrome and so not internalizing your accomplishments and achievements while at the same time feeling ‘bad’ and like a fraud. “

“Trying not to outshine people is not only attempting to control the uncontrollable (a misappropriation of energy) but we’re also judging ourselves and the other party in a particular area when we (and they) are so much more than these ‘parts’.” by Natalie 

The Fear of outshining as a successful person & the impact on relationship

Relationship and intimacy is one of the most important areas of our life and often the most challenging. When one or both people are successful, they are often dealing with their limiting beliefs, patterns, and sabotage, which adds additional layers of complexity to the relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, the relationship takes the brunt of these limiting behaviors through the form of arguing, criticizing, accusing, projecting, withholding, withdrawing, etc.

In The Big Leap, Gay says “the greater success you achieve, the bumpier your relationships tend to be.”

To avoid the traps of success (from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks):

• Be intentional about taking alone time to process, center, and integrate. “These periods of battery-charging alone time give you the ability to master longer and longer periods of closeness when you’re in union with your beloved.” Gay Hendricks 192
• Prioritize transparency and vulnerability.  Getting in touch with deeper feelings and expressing them. “I am overwhelmed.” I am tired.” I am scared.”
• Accept the discomfort and be interested in the process. So often we want to turn away from the pain, yet there is such valuable and transformational informational awaiting your attention.
• Develop an accountability measure. Friends that help remind you of your limiting beliefs and behaviors.

MENTIONED:

• The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (*Amazon Affiliate link), By Gay Hendricks (book)
• ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability
• ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else (podcast)
• Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 151: HOW TO HANDLE THE TROUBLE OF OUTSHINING IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT]

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*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.