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Topic: Steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship

Listener's question

“Thank you for the work you do on your podcast, it has helped me greatly in a hard relationship time. My fiancé and I were supposed to get married on June 28th. Three weeks before the wedding he met me at the courthouse to get our marriage certificate and told me that he couldn't go through with it. This came as a complete shock as our relationship had been healthy, with some minor disagreements during the planning phase of the wedding, but I had no doubts. We live in Minnesota, where he is from, and my whole family and my friends were scheduled to fly from Washington state to MN, which made this especially painful. We are in counseling now, and seeing if we can work this out, but I'm not sure if I can/want to get over this huge betrayal. Any advice you have on repair/healing relationship trauma of this nature would be so appreciated. He is here and wants to work on things, but I don't know if I have the strength to get over it, or that I could ever truly trust him again.” Jenny

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

Understandably, you are going through heartbreak and loss. I encourage you to check out the episodes on Grief (see links below) to get more support.

It sounds like you have many questions you are grappling with…like, what is next? How do you move forward from this? Should you trust him again? Is he the right person?

My biggest encouragement to you is to make a commitment to not engage in this dynamic again. As painful as it is, there is learning in this experience.

Take an Honest Look

• Reevaluate and identify what happened.
• Look at the underlying aspects.
• What was your part? Recognize your patterns.
• What is the learning in this and what is being revealed to you?
• What are your highest priorities and values in relationship? Were you invested in them?
• Did you have any blind spots or things you didn’t want to acknowledge?
• Did you and your fiancé build trust together (did you have clear agreements, boundaries, communication, etc)?

Find Your Ground

• Go slow. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.
• Focus on building a solid foundation.
• Affirm your strengths, lovability, and worth.
• Acknowledge your experience and process. Be with your feelings and be with yourself.
• Focus on developing a secure connection.
• Get clear on what you believe in.

Focus on Your Part

• You can’t do his work for him. You can’t control him.
• Let him be responsible for his experience and his part.
• Accept what is. Ask yourself is this in alignment with what I want?
• Check out the Forgiveness episodes.

Be Available for Something Greater

• Recognize if things feel similar or if things feel different.
• Is his approach different? Is his energy different?
• Don’t engage in the old patterns and old behavior.
• Be committed to your practice and your work.
• Be willing to engage differently.
• Talk honestly about what happened and be willing to learn.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 135: How to Handle Grief and Loss in Relationship – Part One (podcast)
• ERP 136: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two (podcast)
• ERP 152: How to Not Abandon Yourself in Relationship – DR. MARGARET PAUL (podcast)
• ERP 118: How to build trust with your partner (podcast)
• ERP 119: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Two (podcast)
• ERP 120: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Three (podcast)
• ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast)
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love
• Photo by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 153: HOW TO REPAIR A BREACH OF TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning the steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and self-evaluation and more patience to go through the process.

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Thank you! ❤