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Kenneth Cloke talks about how the language we use, the stories we tell, and how we approach our conflicts often have the outcome of making them worse and destroying our relationships. He talks about how to avoid using certain verbiage, so that our partners aren’t triggered to counter-attack. Listen in to our conversation where Ken talks about creating a pivot point in your conversation and having a better outcome and solution with the relational conversation that includes both members of a partnership.

Kenneth Cloke has devoted much of his career to supporting people in the various negotiation conflict areas and resolving conflict. After a brutal divorce experience and reflection of how he could have handled his personal situation better, Ken was inspired to help others move through their conflict and teach how we can learn and use our own tools to avoid conflict before it starts.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)

Bio: 

Kenneth Cloke is a mediator, arbitrator, coach, consultant, and trainer, specializing in resolving complex multi-party disputes, including transnational, marital, divorce, family, grievance, workplace disputes, organizational, and public policy, and school conflicts, and designing preventative conflict resolution systems. He has worked in over 25 countries and is the founder and first President of Mediators Beyond Borders. He has published 15 books on conflict resolution, recently The Crossroads of Conflict and Politics, Dialogue, and the Evolution of Democracy.

In this episode, Kenneth Cloke and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: 

• How to see conflicts differently, as well as how to recognize the source of most of our conflicts. 
• The importance of looking at the language we use, the stories we tell and the approaches we use that either bring resolution or communication break-down.
• Identifying the specific words that lead to conflict and destructive cycles in relationship.
• Learn new language and new questions to ask that create understanding, clear communication and productive outcomes in relationship. 
• What are the questions we are asking ourselves in every interaction to gauge how safe we are in the relationship.
• What makes someone an ally versus a threat in relationship.
• How vulnerable we are within our intimate relationships, what is at stake and and the risks involved. 
• Learn ways to generate solutions, strengthen relationships and deepen intimacy in communication. 

Tweetables

“I became interested in how to introduce conversations and design them that would help people actually talk through their problems with each other.”

Kenneth Cloke

“Over the course of the past 40 years I’ve been immersed in working with people to get to places in which they see their conflicts completely differently.”

Kenneth Cloke

“The language we use, the stories we tell and the way we approach our conflicts often has the outcome of making them worse and destroying our relationships.”

Kenneth Cloke

“If you use the word ‘you’ in connection with something negative, the form of that pronoun is an accusation.”

Kenneth Cloke

“Relationships are at stake in every conversation.”

Kenneth Cloke

Mentioned:

• The Crossroads of Conflict: A Journey into the Heart of Dispute Resolution by Kenneth Cloke
• The Dance of Opposites: Explorations in Mediation, Dialogue and Conflict Resolution Systems by Kenneth Cloke
• Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide
• Find a mediator online 

Transcript:

ERP 243: How to Skillfully Engage in a Conversation to Overcome Conflict in a Relationship, an Interview with Kenneth Cloke

Connect with Kenneth Cloke

Visit Kenneth on the web

Pick up one of Kenneth’s relationship books

Find out more about Kenneth’s trainings he offers

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:  

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship 

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins 

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts 

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation 

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins 

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins 

Website: drjessicahiggins.com  

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. 

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