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According to research, women are the primary initiators of divorce, with emotional intimacy being the most significant factor.

In the early stages of a relationship, you may feel that intense sense of connection even without emotional intimacy because of the dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and pheromones making everything seem to be in perfect harmony. However, as time passes by, these neurotransmitters diminish.

In this episode, we’ll dive into understanding what emotional intimacy is as Amber Dalsin talks about her personal journey — from someone who craves connection into a love that she never thought was possible. Learn about the 7 key components of emotional intimacy and the different ways of cultivating this beautiful connection that can stand the test of time.

Amber Dalsin is a licensed psychologist and couples therapist. She has delivered over 10,000 hours of One-on-One therapy services and has given professional talks to over 28,000 participants. Her mission is to help couples create intimate, loving, peaceful, and long-lasting relationships.

In this Episode 

7:43 What sparked Amber’s interest in helping individuals with Couplehood. 

11:33 The 7 pillars of emotional intimacy. 

21:33 What stands in the way of helping people create emotional intimacy. 

31:04 How to identify emotional intimacy problems and assess whether or not they are fixable. 

34:25 Simple things you could do to spice up your relationship. 

42:31 Gender stereotypes and how these might relate to emotional intimacy.

Your Check List of Actions to Take

• Let your partner know that they’re important, that you are grateful for them, and that you adore them.
• Pay attention to what matters to your partner and what would make them feel loved and connected to you.
• Rather than thinking about what you have to give up, think about doing a little bit of what your partner wants and think about your shared gain.
• Figure out what formula works for you and your partner because it’s going to be different in every relationship.
• Identify emotional intimacy problems and assess whether or not they’re fixable.

Mentioned

The Gottman Institute 

5 Love Languages

Mini-Course: Emotional Intimacy Blueprint

Connect with Amber Dalsin

Website Ember Relationship Psychology

Facebook Ember Relationship Psychology

Instagram Ember Relationship Psychology

Pinterest Ember Relationship Psychology | Couples Therapy 

Podcast Relationship Psych | Love | Marriage | Conflict | Psychology

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

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Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/

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LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins 

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins 

Website: drjessicahiggins.com  

Email: [email protected]

About Today’s Show

Amber, thank you for joining us today.

Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be here.

I love your ability to articulate a lot of the psychological principles. I know you also have a podcast, and we are going to be diving into the topic of emotional intimacy. And before we do that, I’m curious if you want to share anything with people who perhaps don’t know you. What got you interested in supporting people in the way of couplehood and relationship?

A long answer short is in my family system. By the time my brother was 13 years old, he was a drug addict. Good parents, middle-class family. They didn’t do anything wrong or bad. Just no one is well equipped for a 13-year-old drug addict. I was the older child, and I just tried to be more perfect. If he was going to be the problem, I was going to be the solution. In doing that, I tried to not have any needs. I tried to just be the perfect kid. I stopped making my parents put me to bed at night or talk to me or need anything. I mean, I just really want to be independent. What I craved was connection. I craved emotional support, someone to pay attention to me. 

And so, while in my early years in life, that came in the form of friendships. And my parents that I crave that attention from, I also pretended like I didn’t need it. But then I found myself at 28 or 27, married, and then 10 months later divorced. The thing I craved most in the world was connection. But I think from my experience, all the guards I had put up over all those years of my life. I deeply wanted connection but didn’t know how to have it and/or keep it. And so, after I got divorced under 30, already with a master’s in marriage and family therapy, I was feeling kind of embarrassed and shameful, humiliated and I wanted that more than anything. So, I really hid at that time in my life. Really went into the relationship research, really figured out what makes couples succeed or fail, and began to apply everything to my own life to see, “Okay. Well, if I follow the relationship science, can I create a love I always dreamed of?” 

And so, now I’ve happily married again. I think my husband is the best person in the world. We have a beautiful relationship, something I could have never imagined. And it was through going through that place of feeling like my needs were never met, trying a whole bunch of things radically differently to see does it work, and getting the experience of like, “Whoa! If I apply these things to my relationship, it works? Cool!” 

As I went through that process myself and seeing things work, I just got more and more passionate about the field and wanted people to be able to experience the kind of love that I have today that I never thought was possible for me.

I really appreciate when people have their own personal journey that allows them to do a deeper dive to gain access to a lot of these skills and principles and research, integrate them, apply them, and then being able to assist others. I mean, I don’t ever think we arrived. But being able to have a real testament to your own struggle, I think, is just such a great place to have walked the walk. And I talk about this on the show often that even though I’ve been practicing these principles for so long and feel so deeply committed, they still challenge me, and my knees still shake, and my stomach still drops, and I still have to do the work. 

It’s really something I’ve committed to, and I think I can say, and I’m sure you would agree that having done it and been around the block to create these positive cycles that it’s so worth it. And one of the things that I’m hearing you say, Amber, is that one of the ways that I got through my early experience and life is by performing perfect and that you had to actually teach yourself through the psychological research and different things that you were endeavoring in to learn the relational ways of being and emotional intimacy. Am I hearing that?

Oh, yeah. I had to learn a big time because intuitively, I had some things that worked sometimes, but they were inconsistent. At best, I had to do a lot of learning.

Well, I’m grateful because this is our topic today. I know this could be extensive. You could probably do a whole course on emotional intimacy. Let’s just start with what are you seeing as some of the main components as you’re working with emotional intimacy?

Well, there’s a lot of components. I kind of think of these as a blueprint. Some of my blueprints come from the emotional intimacy blueprint, which the Gottman method has. But I think there are a few more elements that are part of it that I don’t see in their blueprint, so I drew on things from emotion-focused therapy, just like research from hitting academic databases. There are seven pieces that I’ve ended up thinking are pretty important. And so, I’ll just quickly go through what those are. 

One is trust. And that’s the sense that your partner has your best interests at heart. And so, I just want to differentiate here true emotional intimacy from the way that I’m seeing it is in a more longer-term, committed relationship. That sense that your partner has your best interests at heart and that they’re there with you. You can have a lustful, emotionally intimate connection without trust, but I think in a long-term relationship, trust is a big part of that continued emotional intimacy. 

Turning towards, so the sense that your partner notices and responds to your bids for attention/connection. “Pay attention to me.” They get that, and they generally turn towards you most of the time. That there’s a sense of commitment between the two of you. So you both are there, and you know you’re there for the long haul. 

Intrinsic motivation. This is an interesting one. A lot of people, when you start giving some practical tools about how to have a more emotionally intimate relationship, there’s often one partner who wants it more than the other. They say things like, “Well, how do I get my partner to do that?” And that’s the hard piece. Sometimes you can. There are some ideas we can give you, but ultimately, one of the key components of a truly emotionally intimate connection is you both have to get joy and satisfaction by doing it together. And that’s one of the key pieces of it. Feeling truly emotionally intimate is not feeling like your partner has to be forced to be there, but because there’s also some desire for them to be doing that with you. 

Next is understanding. So that sense of being known, got, understood that your partner knows your dreams, beliefs, values, and goals. There’s a sense of connection between you that is made through using words, praise, endearment, or you express through your words and your actions that “Hey, I like you.”

And the last pillar of emotional intimacy is touch, nurturing touch. Not sex. It could be sex, but it doesn’t need to be. It’s this nurturing touch that fosters connection and bonding. So, those are the seven. When I’m thinking about emotional intimacy, I see those seven main components as being incredibly important to have that smoldering connection that you both feel seen and heard that will stand the test of time.

I appreciate that there are components that you’re drawing from because even when you’re talking about in partnership, one person being more interested in perhaps, trying to prioritize emotional connection and another might not be as inclined and that there perhaps are different ways of cultivating emotional intimacy. 

So perhaps, if a listener is like, “Oh, that is what’s happening in my relationship, whether or not it’s I’m the one that’s wanting it, and my partner doesn’t seem to be as interested.” I think that there is usually a way that somebody is going to pursue it because it’s individual and they have their preferences. But I do think there’s a whole range of ways that people can emotionally connect. And so, I like that you’re speaking to there are different components here. 

I also think safety is huge, which is probably part of the trust, right? It’s that container that we are in a committed relationship. We are willing to be vulnerable with each other. Right? Is that part of the trust?

Well, I think it’s part of the trust part, but I think in that long-term relationship, maybe that’s a good thing to put in there. But I think when all of these factors are together, that emotionally intimate connection feels safe because if you don’t have trust, you don’t have commitment, you don’t have that sense that you’re putting each other’s best interests at heart, it’s not going to feel safe. 

So, I think, yes. Safe works its way into commitment, to trust, to all of these things being used in a way that fosters connection and bonding. Because without safe being an inherent part in any of them, it’s not going to be very intimate. Because if you use touch, touch has the power to heal and has the power to hurt. And if we think of touch and using touch in an unsafe way, that’s not going to be intimate. And so, I love how you brought up the word safety because I think if any of these things are done in an unsafe way, they are not going to promote connection and bonding and emotional closeness. They’re going to drive you apart. They’re going to drive a huge wedge between you.

I’ll say, you know, to my own question that in my relationship with my spouse, early on, I had a strong preference for verbal and emotional intimacy cultivated through sharing. While my husband can meet me in that place, there are other ways that he feels his emotional connection preferences. And that might be just slowing down and relaxing and being more present and being in a shared space together that might include cuddling or touching. That sounds so genderized, where there are some traditional gender stereotypes around women liking to be more verbal and men being a little bit more physical. But I think that that can be really important to name just that people approach this differently.

They are stereotypes, but I think research also shows us those come from somewhere. Even if you look at little boys and little girls on the playground, whether it’s nature, like how we were born and what our preferences are, or nurture, what we ended up doing. If you watch little boys and little girls on the playground, often they’re doing different things. 

So, girls, you might see them more playing or giggling in a circle talking to more people. They will still play and push each other around. But boys are more engaged in rough and tumble play from a very early age. And so, it’s a stereotype. It certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, but it’s important to recognize that I think it does come from somewhere.

I think I’m bringing this up, only to say that women tend to stereotypically pursue emotional intimacy. And I think if I remember correctly, there’s a statistic around women being the main initiators of divorce. And their biggest reason is emotional intimacy. Have you heard that?

I have heard that women are the biggest instigators of divorce. I didn’t hear it was emotional intimacy, but that also makes sense to me. But I didn’t hear that that’s what it was. 

Yeah, and I guess I just want to create safety for men that are listening that it doesn’t have to just be verbal, right? And that men have the same longing for this emotional intimacy. It just might not look like how women promote it.

Yeah. I think that’s a good point. What’s going to feel emotionally intimate will be a little bit different for each person. It uses different ways of connecting to find a formula that works for your relationship. It’s not going to be the same in every relationship. So, I like to think of these as tenants. But how you apply them will vary drastically from couple to couple.

And Amber, will you read them? Just each one, each title of the seven pillars.

Yep. Trust, turn towards, commitment, intrinsic motivation, understanding, connecting, and touch.

Yes. So important. You mentioned when you started talking that you can have a bond, particularly in the beginning stages without emotional intimacy, but in a long-term relationship, do you think it’s necessary to have emotional intimacy in couplehood?

I think it’s quite important to have emotional intimacy in couplehood. I think you don’t have to. So, if you think of it like a house, so relationships, you know, think of them like a house, you know, this solid foundation, solid walls, solid roof, you need electricity and plumbing. I can live in my house. I can have a foundation, my walls, my roof. But let’s imagine that some of those are some other structures, but emotional intimacy, we could say that could be our electricity or plumbing. I can live in a house for a really long time. I could live there forever. It might not always be comfortable if I don’t have electricity or plumbing. 

And so, I think, yeah. Can you have a relationship that, in some ways, is great? Absolutely. But is it always going to be the most comfortable? Hmmm. Maybe not. It depends on what your needs are. So, some people would be perfectly comfortable surviving without electricity and plumbing. They’d be happy to build a fire stove and bring their water in every day. That’s their preference. They’d be great without, but there are other people that are like, “Uh, if I didn’t have a light switch, I could flip on. And just a kettle to heat up water, I’d be a pretty unhappy person.” 

And so, we all have different preferences, but I think that’s kind of how I think about it. We can all have a house. It’s not essential. You don’t need the electricity and plumbing, but it’s surely going to help things be a lot more comfortable in the long term. I think in the early love, what’s different about it is we are helped out by those neurotransmitters. So, right away, we meet. If you have that special bond with someone, you can get the dopamine, the serotonin, the oxytocin. You get the pheromones. Everything’s all firing. It feels like everything’s in perfect symphony. Everything’s in harmony. It’s like fireworks and magic all mixed together. And we do. We can feel an intense sense of connection to someone that is really fueled by all of those neurotransmitters and feel goods and in the early stages of a relationship because we’ve got all that. Often, we feel quite connected. But then, with the passage of time, that help goes away. Those surge of neurotransmitter boost isn’t present. And we have to think about, well, what are the tools, strategies? What are our rituals of connection so that we actually can have a really beautiful close relationship that will stand the test of time that keeps us cozy in our house and feeling happy and satisfied to be there, not inside trembling and shaking our boots because there’s no heat?

So, if this beginning stage and those neurochemicals, neurotransmitters are less dominant, and people are now confronted with dealing with differences, and really seeing someone a little bit more clearly and perhaps negotiating conflict, I guess I’m curious what you would say about what gets in the way of helping people create this emotional intimacy when those neurochemicals have waned.

I like to think of this as a car. We all need to put fuel. Most of us. Depends on the kind of car you have today. But most people still need to put fuel in the car. And so, we have to know what kind of fuel needs to go into the car. Is it unleaded? Is it premium? Is it diesel? Or did you accidentally go over to the propane thing and try propane in your car? If you’re not putting the right fuel in the car, you’re not going to go somewhere. So, that’s also understanding, like you’ve talked about. If someone prefers just chilling together, maybe a little bit touch, or if someone prefers words and connecting, it’s understanding what fuel goes in the car. So, we have to know how we are filling that tank. 

You talked about conflict and something that gets in the way. Whenever we’re in our car, and maybe we keep putting deposits, and so we keep filling the tank with gas, we do the right things, we put in the right words, we put in the right touch, we give the right sense of praise and cherishing. We’re doing all those good things, but our tank can still get a leak. And the leak sometimes can be a conflict. Even if you’re putting in and doing all the right things, but you have a hole in your gas tank, you’re not going to get where you want to go because the conflict is eroding that connection, and you’re spilling gas all over the highway. And then, the more that you’re spilling gas all over the highway, and you’re just frustrated, you’re like, “Oh, this tank isn’t working.” You stop putting in the gas because you’re like, “What’s the point?” And so, the more conflict there is, the more dissatisfaction, the more resentment, the more hurt, the more feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood like you don’t matter. Because you feel that way, you stop taking loving actions towards your partner, and no one’s putting any gas in the tank. And then, the next thing you know, your car’s trying to run on empty. 

It’s so interrelated, as you’re describing. I know the Gottman Institute talks about the negative sentiment or the sentiment override, whether or not it’s positive or negative. And what you’re really describing is, let’s say there is an issue and it’s not resolved. And so, perhaps one or both people are feeling that unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. There are the feelings that come along with it, and there’s no way to really find repair. 

And so, it’s easy to then make moves that aren’t as generous or kind or loving because we’re in that place. And that starts to really impact the environment of the couplehood. Right? You’re saying it’s not just, “Oh, we couldn’t repair this conflict.” but it informs how we treat each other and that sense of all the emotional connection activities or tenants.

Yeah. Absolutely.

So, this can be, really, I mean, a huge slippery slope. I mean, even as I’m feeling it, it’s like, “Ah!” As you were describing, if I don’t have the skill set to negotiate this, this is incredibly confronting. 

And I think as you just talked about positive or negative sentiment override, you know, it’s kind of like a switch almost that goes off. When we’re in that positive sentiment override, we can look at our partner kind of through a set of rose-colored glasses. We can see things that are positive as positive, neutral as positive, negative. Given the benefit of the doubt, it’s easier to be accepting of our partner’s faults, the things we don’t really like about them. It’s like, “Okay, sure. They’ve got these other good qualities.” 

But when our gas tank has a leak in it, we’re spewing gasoline everywhere. We’re not filling up the tank as much. There’s no fuel in there. We can flip into that negative sentiment override. And it’s hard then to get back on track. It’s hard to do the right things. Because the bad things you see are bad, the neutral things you see are bad. And even the good things your mind, because you’re so upset, can see them as negative.

What do you do to help people shift this? Because one of the things that I think we’re up against as well, not only just the neurochemicals waning and then really needing to utilize these relational skills, and if we haven’t been taught these relational skills, or been modeled or grown up in an environment where we had an opportunity to practice them, and I don’t think it’s all or nothing. Right? We have friends that help us, or we have different environments and circles that I think we can learn these relational skills. But let’s say there’s some improvement that could happen. I mean, that’s definitely my experience in a relationship. When the conflict-hit, I was like, “Oh, my gosh.” Even though I had an undergrad in Psych, and I think I was in a master’s program at the time and grew up in a progressive family, I still felt really ill-equipt to negotiate that. It was so daunting. 

And what I was going to say is cultural, I think there is this message that sometimes gets implied. Maybe it’s through the romantic comedies or movies or something, or media of some sort or just the kind of consumeristic maybe hope that it just happens to us. Right? That once we get married, that’s the main thing of just getting a partner. Like, that in and of itself and choosing a partner, selecting a partner, entering into a committed relationship. Like, that’s huge. I don’t want to take anything away from that and the importance of that. And it doesn’t end there.

Yeah, it doesn’t end there. One of my clients said to me the other day, we were talking about some real tools that they could implement every day to help bolster their connection. She sat back in her chair, let out a big sigh. And I said, “Oh, what’s happening right now?” And she said, “I’m so relieved.” And I was like, “Oh, help me understand. What about?” And she said, “I thought it was magic.” She said, “I’m thinking right now about Cinderella, which I’ve been watching with my toddler. And you see Prince Charming following Cinderella around, trying to figure out who has this last slipper. And then you see them right off into the sunset. You don’t see what happens. You know, if one of them doesn’t do the dishes, or someone leaves their socks on the floor, someone’s exhausted from all the night feedings.” She said, “You don’t see that. You just see—And then, they live happily ever after. Thank goodness! There are actually some things I can do that are tangible that you can tell me so I can keep loving my husband.” And I was like, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I never thought about it like that.” That when we don’t have great models, you’re like, “I don’t know. Is it magic?” Like, okay, we got to that place. Finally, we got the partner. But then what?

No kidding. I think there is a romantic notion. And again, I don’t want to take anything away from the beauty of feeling soulfully connected with another but the idea of destiny, right? A destiny mindset versus a growth mindset. They’re very different. 

Yeah. 

If people are recognizing a lack of emotional connection and recognize either in themselves or in their partnership that it’s difficult to access, can you help us with how people might improve their emotional connection?

I think there are two big areas to look at. One, are you putting gas in your tank? Two, is there a leak in your tank? So, one of the things that can certainly erode the connection, even if you’re doing so many things right, are secrets, lies, substance use, physical harm, abuse. These kinds of things. You can put all the deposits that you want, but it’s going to be really, really hard to make the good get better. 

And so, first of all, is doing an accurate look at your relationship and going, “Is there something really big here that’s getting in the way?” Because if we go on the abuse spectrum of things, that has to be changed. At the very least, sometimes it has to be left. There’s no hope in making that better. If we go to a more mild scale of the plug and the leak, we have a couple that’s in a lot of conflicts, that they’re just having such a hard time compromising and seeing eye to eye, validating the different views points they might have. And it’s just getting to the point where they have different meanings associated with things. They’re digging in their heels. When they start talking about these things, they’re critical, or they’re using blame, or they’re defensive, or they’re shutting down, they’re leaving. And it makes them more and more rigid in their positions. And the more rigid they get, the harder time they have to come back and talk to each other about what’s actually going on. So, that conflict can really be getting in the way of anything good, any gas that’s going into your tank. 

So, one thing to look at is, is there a leak in your tank? Because if there is, it’s really important to get some different skills or tools to plug the leak so that you can actually put the fuel in the tank, which is some of the strategies I can give you about how to create a connection to actually make sure the fuel stays in the tank. So, we’ve got to assess for a leak because leaks will get in the way. And we all have little leaks here and there. That’s okay if it’s a slow leak or the occasional conflict. That’s okay. That’s going to happen from time to time. But when it’s the dominant pattern in a relationship, it can erode things pretty quickly.

And before you move to how to improve the emotional connection by adding gas, is there anything you want to say to help people around what you might recommend to start addressing the leak if there is one?

First, you just want to look at the leak and think. Just do an assessment with yourself. Like, “What is happening here?” And so, even if you just go, “Okay. Is it conflicts? Do I feel unseen? Unheard? Is there a secret going on here that I don’t feel good about? Is there an addiction problem? Is there abuse?” And you just kind of got to stop and go, “Okay, what’s the leak? Is this a fixable leak or not?” 

Sometimes these leaks are fixable, and sometimes they are not. You just got to trade in the car. And so, I think it’s just worth a pause and an accurate self-assessment and just knowing if in your heart you’re like, “Argh. My inner knowing knows that there’s a big leak.” Access the right supports, resources, therapy to get the help you need to put that gas tank back together or trade in the car. I mean, if I go downstairs and my car has a leak, I’m not fixing that tank. It’s going right to the mechanic. 

I think just like a lot of relationships, if we know there’s a big problem, I think the research says, you know, couples wait six years of having a problem before they go get some help. And so, if you kind of go inward and you go, “Ooof.” And there’s that little, maybe your stomach drops or your chest feels tight. And you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, yeah. I got a pretty big leak here.” There are a few things you can do on your own. Like, if it’s conflict, there’s a few things you can try, but it depends on the size of your leak where you just kind of got to go inward and say, “Okay, what do I need to do here?”

I love the question of, is this fixable? I know for people that are perhaps stuck in the patterns really don’t know the answer to that question. I wonder what you might say.

“Is it fixable?” is a very common question among distressed couples. They don’t know because they’re hurt, and they’re tired of spinning their wheels. It’s like they’re on the hamster wheel. They can’t get off. They might be feeling helpless or hopeless. I think sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. But I think one of the things to do is if you’re really at that point where you’re like, “Is it?” That’s the time when you should go access professional help and see a trained therapist to get some insights about, “Have you seen other people solve this problem or not?” 

Well, a couples therapist or psychologist can’t say definitively yes, or no. We’re certainly well trained in the warning signs that are like, “Uh-oh. Maybe this isn’t a fixable problem.” Or, yeah. Well, some work. We can’t guarantee you any outcome, but there is some science-based evidence that says, if you do some of these things, there’s a good chance the relationship could improve. And so, I think if you’re really unsure, that’s a beautiful place to look and get some guidance and some help outside of your relationship.

Also, just to add to that, it is uncertain. It’s not a total no. It’s not a total yes. That perhaps even as you’re mentioning, a trained professional can assist in gathering more information in the way of maybe things that partners haven’t really explored together. 

Yep. Absolutely.

Thank you for pausing with me. I can hear that people would be like, “Wait a second. What do you do with the leak?” Okay, so let’s go to the gas.

Yeah. And other things on the leak, too. So, I guess I’ll just go there for a quick second is if you’re like, “Okay, we have some conflict.” There are lots of self-help things to do. You could even just stop for yourself. I had this conversation with a friend this morning, just on a friend level. Like, “Okay, you’re in conflict with your partner. What do you need? What can you do differently?” 

I was chatting with my friend. I think sometimes if we just pause for ourselves and go, “What is the leak? What do I need? What is wrong?” And if we just pause and answer the questions for ourselves, sometimes we get a clear answer. Just sometimes, we don’t take the time to pause and ask ourselves, “What is the biggest problem I’m struggling with? Are there any possible solutions? What could I try to do differently?” 

I think sometimes professional help is the answer. But sometimes it’s just taking a moment to pause and be with ourselves and think, and ask ourselves some questions like, “What do I need to do? What am I unhappy with? What’s my problem? Do I see a solution?” And that can be our starting place. 

So, because emotional intimacy is different for different people, Jessica, you alluded to this earlier that for you, it’s more about talk. For your partner, it’s more about time and touch. There are different ways to add gas to the tank. And so, we can even think of the very popular book, Five Love Languages. Very often, people have heard of that or have done that. And that provides a really great framework for helping us understand the platinum rule. Most of us in our lives were taught, “Do unto others as you would like done unto you”. But then we have the platinum rule, which is, do unto others as they would like done unto them. 

And so, one of the ways that we can improve our emotional connection is starting to notice and become aware, whether it’s The Five Love Languages or just paying attention to what matters to my partner. Do they want to be understood? Do they want to touch? Do they need praise? Do they need reassurance? Just started to notice, “What does my partner need?” And beginning to think about, how could you do to them what would make them feel loved and connected to? 

And so, there are three areas that I’ve broken down some tactics on where there are actually strategies of little things you could do to just add little bits of fuel to the tank that cost a little money, take little time. It could just be little things that you work into your day, so they’re not great big chores or nothing that you need a whole Saturday to figure out, but it’s just in the moments of your lives. 

And so, for understanding the dimension of emotional intimacy there. Most of us, at least, have a desire to be known, understood, got seen by our partners. And how we do that, how we make our partner feel known, seen, got, very often is through words, through listening, asking them questions, remembering their preferences, their answers, summarizing back what we’ve heard them say, validating their frustrations or their fears, providing reassurance if they need it, but it’s often through talking. And so, we might not always have time. We could all be very busy. And we have the demands of work and children and extracurriculars and housework. There’s a lot of things going on. 

And often misunderstanding, it needs its own time carved out. If you think back to your early days of love when you had those really beautiful loving feelings that were bolstered up by neurotransmitters and whatnot, very often, we’re actually going on dates. And on those dates, most people will talk. Not all but most people talk. And you give this protected undivided attention to that other person. 

So, that’s one of the tools. So, the next one could be called connecting. It could be called Words of Affirmation. It could be called using fondness and admiration. But really, I like to think of this as using connecting words, words that bolster up a sense of feeling like they’re your partner like they’re your cheerleader like they’re your teammate like you’re encouraging them. So, these could be words of praise like “Thank you for unloading the dishes.” or “Oh my gosh, when you were coaching our kiddos soccer game today, I just looked over and thought that I’m married to the coach, this is amazing.” That could be just expressing that you like them. Like, “You’re still my favorite person after all of these years.” Or stretching out your arms so wide and saying, “I love you this much.” And it’s just using words to let your partner know “I love you.” It could be reassuring words like, “Don’t worry, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I still pick you. You’re still beautiful to me. You’re still handsome to me.” And just letting your partner know that they’re important, that you are grateful for them, that you adore them. 

And so, that is another way that just takes a couple of seconds. You can send a text. You can pre-program these texts. My husband was going camping. He does a lot of backcountry camping, which we have our things about, but it can be a challenge. This is one of the things that can be a leak in our tank, or if we do it right, it can be something that oddly now can add some connection to us. And so, I got him to get one of these backcountry GPS so that he can message me when he’s gone because I need a little reassurance, and I need some validation about where he is. I need to know he is safe. That’s something for me that’s really important that we’ve had to come to understand. And he has these pre-programmed messages in this device. He showed them to me. He said, “Are these okay?” And I said, “Oh yeah, the content of them is good.” Like, “We’re taking off.” “We’ve arrived.” They just say things like that. I said, “Except they’re missing the lovey-dovey words. All of those messages are great, but if you could just go back up and reprogram them at the end to say like I love you, or I miss you, or I wish you were here.” He’s like, “Okay.” So, he goes and does, and I told him to do this, and I get the first message, and it says, “Oh, we’ve just taken off down the river. I love you.” I’m like, “Oh, how sweet.” And then the next day or two days later, I get another one that says, “Just checked in at blah, blah, blah, place. Wish you were here.” And I’m like, “Oh, how sweet.” And it wasn’t until a few days later, I remembered that these were all pre-programs. But at the moment, they still were the words that I needed to hear, which were I love you, or I wish you were here. It was a team effort to find a way that he could be in contact with me while he’s away. And truthfully, he doesn’t really want to be in contact with me. But I want him to be in contact with me, so we came up with a compromise where he literally has pre-programmed messages that are coming to me every other day that give me that sense of connection. So, it’s those words.

It’s sweet because it requires little of taking him out of his experience. And he can push a couple of buttons, but it is showing up for you. And he is sending it. Even though it’s pre-programmed, he is still sending it.

Yep, he is. And he had to go put the messages in ahead of time. Yeah. And so, I need those words sometimes. So, that’s what we had to figure out. And so, that’s one of the tools. And then, the other way that you could add some fuel to your tank is by nurturing touch. And when I do polls on Instagram or read The Five Love Languages, or when I talk to my clients, and I ask, “What are the things that you really want?” the overwhelming answers are kisses and hugs. The normal things that we would think of with touch. And most people end up saying kisses, lots of little kisses, surprise kisses, kissing me from head to toe, or hugging me, hugging me from behind, giving me a long hug, hugging me in bed. It’s nothing that has to be rocket science or new or interesting. They’re just these everyday moments where we express our care for our partner. Other really common answers are things like holding my hand in the car, or when they walk past me just touching my back, having a cuddle before bed, or a cuddle when we wake up in the morning. Those are the most repeated answers I get when I ask people, “What do you want for touch?”

So important. I’m even thinking. Out of the Gottman Institute, I think they have some encouragement or research around, I think it’s a five-second kiss, or it’s a longer kiss.

It’s 6 seconds kiss and 20 seconds hug.

There we go. There we go. And that sometimes we’re in our routine, and we’re not super present, but that how much that can cultivate in the way of this emotional intimacy. Okay. Before we lose you, Amber, I’m curious. We were talking a little bit about gender stereotypes. And as we’re talking about touch, and oftentimes there is some stereotype around women that they are a little bit more wanting to prioritize emotional intimacy, and men might be a little bit more interested in physical intimacy, including sexual intimacy. And is there anything you want to say? I know that that could be a whole separate topic, but I’m just curious how these might relate and if there’s anything you want to comment on.

I mean, I think it’s really important to acknowledge that intimacy is different for different people. And if physical touch is one of the ways your partner feels emotionally connected, or words is one of the ways your partner feels emotionally connected, it’s understanding what that person needs. Doing unto them as they want to be done to them. And so, if your ultimate goal is to connect through sex or through emotional intimacy, it’s at times giving your partner a little bit of what they need. It’s not what you need. But can you give if, for example, we’re using the example of a man giving a woman those words to help her feel close to you? That might not be what you would do. But can you learn some skills or some tools? Or can you set aside some time to give her what she wants? 

And then, if she isn’t really great at touch but that’s what you want, can she set aside a little time? It doesn’t have to be sexual touch. It could be hugging. It could be touching your hand. It could be giving a back massage. Can you set aside some time for each other? There’s a little bit. You will have to give something up. But rather than thinking about what you have to give up, think about “By doing a little bit of what my partner wants, what’s our shared gain?”

I love that. That’s so important. 

Yeah. And we have a sense of shared gain by doing these little things. And we recognize by doing some of these things we wouldn’t otherwise do, we might get more connection, understanding, feelings of passion because we’re doing what makes the other person behave more loving towards us. Many women, not all women, but many women have a sense of wanting to feel a deep bond, feel that their partners are open to them, receptive to them, tender with them and that their needs, their desires outside of the bedroom are so linked to feeling safe in the bedroom. And when we feel safe and responded to, and just our partner really cares about us, we have that deep bond. It’s way easier in bed to let go, get that to-do list out of your mind, and surrender to the sensation and just be present with your partner.

And these things work so beautifully in concert. It’s reminded me of the kind of synergistic idea that one plus one is so much greater than two.

Yeah, totally.

Okay, wonderful. Well, is there anything you want to say more in closing on this topic?

Other research from Gottman talks about small things often that we do in our relationships. And so if you’re like, “Oh, I don’t have time to do a great big cuddler time for this huge talk.” It doesn’t need to be huge. Can you give each other a hug for two minutes here or three minutes there? Can you just check in on each other’s days when your heads are on the pillow for five minutes each? Don’t think of these things as big daunting tasks that have to be completed. It’s little things a lot of the time that add up to big results.

It’s super important. Thank you for that. And Amber, how do people get in touch with you if they want to learn more about what you’re up to?

Yeah. So, a few big ways to find me. So, I have a podcast as well called Relationship Psych. You can find me on Instagram, and the handle is Ember. So my name is Amber. This is a play on my name, which is Ember, like the fire. So, @EmberRelationshipPsychology, that’s my Instagram handle. Or my website, www.EmberRelationshipPsychology.com.

And if you’re interested in this emotional intimacy, I have a really little mini-course that goes over these seven principles and gives you some practical tools for understanding connection and touch. And it’s just CAD $34. So, if you’re in the States, that’s going to be even cheaper for you. There is a little course that goes over these things. It doesn’t take very long to complete, but it can give you some tactical hands-on tools that you could use if you wanted to.

Nice. And is that something you’ll give us the link to so we can put it on today’s show notes? 

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can absolutely do that. 

Awesome. Wonderful. And do you offer coaching? Or what else are you up to when you’re helping people in this way?

Yeah, I do couples therapy. That’s dominantly what my practice is. My regulations are so that you have to be physically in the province of Ontario. I live in Canada. So, you have to be physically in the province of Ontario at the time of service delivery to receive services, even if they’re virtual. So, you could come here to see me, which has happened. There are other states and provinces where their regulations are looser. There are some places where I can see other people, but it’s really regulation-dependent. And to be truthful, I don’t have the bandwidth to always check them all when I have out-of-state inquiries. So, I tend to just go with no unless I already know that province or state legislation. But dominantly, that’s the way to work with me. And the COVID restriction is pending. I hope. It depends on what happens here. I’m in Ontario, Canada, and so we have that long winter, and last year we were in lockdown after lockdown after lockdown after lockdown, so I’m reluctant to book any event space. But I am hopeful that in the spring of next year, I’ll be able to host a couple’s retreat to really help couples connect and give them some practical tools and just have that weekend retreat where they’re really just focused on each other. But we’ll see. I’m not sure if that’s gonna be able to happen. It’s a state of the world dependent, I guess.

Absolutely. Well, I love that you’re such a bright light in the way of helping people and guiding people to improve emotional intimacy and deepen their connection. Thank you so much for spending your time with us today.

Well, I’m so glad to be here. Thank you for having me.

Signing Off

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