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To commemorate the 300th episode of the Empowered Relationship Podcast here's a special episode for you all!
Since the premiere episode in 2015, our goal has been to help people feel more prepared and, as a result, set their relationships up for success by encouraging them to invest in the strength of their connection rather than second-guessing their partner choice.
Learn how couples can shift into safer, more positive, and more connected patterns of relating as she discusses key findings out of a landmark relationship science study that was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, which was first-authored by Samantha Joel.
In this Episode
08:08 What constitutes a successful relationship, and why do some relationships thrive more than others?
16:06 Top relationship characteristics that most accurately predict a person's happiness.
30:00 Five personal attributes that can help predict a person's happiness.
Your Check List of Actions to Take
- Pay attention to the dynamics of your relationship.
- Pay close attention to how you're feeling about the connection you have right now.
- Make your partner feel seen and heard.
- Have some degree of sexual closeness and intimacy.
- Keep a healthy mind and body.
- Do not focus on whether your partner checks all the boxes. Instead, focus on building a secure, satisfying relationship that will stand the test of time.
- Do not avoid conflicts. These are signs that something needs your attention and if approached gently and sensitively, you can learn from it.
Mentioned
A landmark study shows what makes a successful relationship
Julie Gottman's wikipedia page
Samantha Joel's citations on Google Scholar
ERP 297: How to Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship – An Interview with Amber Dalsin
ERP 169: What to Do When Depression Takes Hold in Your Relationship, with Dr. Susan Heitler
ERP 015: Do You Have a “Unity” or “Journey” Mindset In Relationship?
Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins
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Website: drjessicahiggins.com
Email: [email protected]
About Today's Show
Hi! Thank you for joining the Empowered Relationship Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, licensed psychologist, and relationship coach. Today's episode is #300: How To Set Your Relationship Up For Success.
The team that supports the podcast in editing and producing the show and I actually get some coaching from the founder and, I believe, the owner of the company, and it's called Podcast Rocket. They were encouraging me that 300 is a milestone and prompting me to do a little bit more of a special episode.
I thought that this would be a great episode to offer, given that when I first started the Empowered Relationship Podcast back in 2015, my goal was really to support people in elevating, evolving their love and relationship. I was doing my best at the time to really encourage people to invest in the quality of their connection rather than really getting too concerned about the choice of their partner.
“My goal was really to support people in elevating, evolving their love and relationship. I encourage people to invest in the quality of their connection rather than getting too concerned about the choice of their partner.”
Some people, when they're stuck in really difficult patterns, really feeling dissatisfied and unhappy, will often question the fit of the relationship. Is this person compatible? Are they a good fit for me? And more often than not, most of the time, I see that it's the relational patterns and the dynamics that are problematic, not any one given person.
And so, as we really do our part to show up in a relationship back in shift dynamics, right, because if we think about a dance that's in existence with you and your significant other, that dance can't be continued in the same way when you show up differently. And also, if we can, in partnership, really evolve the relationship together, which is a lot of my coaching work is really helping couples shift into more secure, more positive, more connected patterns of relating.
These principles are informed by evidence-based research. And what I talk a lot about on the Empowered Relationship Podcast and what I utilize in my coaching work comes from EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). Dr. Susan Johnson has done so much to found and contribute to the research and also the understanding through her books, through her training, and there are many practitioners, facilitators, supervisors around the world that utilize this work. And the Gottman Institute, doctors John and Julie Gottman and their team have done so much to contribute in the way of research to support relationship science and the understanding of the moves that we make in a relationship that contribute to relationship success, and also contribute to relationship breakup and demise.
When I look at the original intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, my goal was to essentially help you feel better equipped and help you be able to navigate long term relationships and ultimately set you up for relationship success, and that you may be even heard me refer to that many many times over the course of the years if you've been a long time listener. Thus, it seems very fitting that the topic of today's episode would be how to set your relationship up for success marking this special 300th episode here on the Empowered Relationship Podcast.
I'd like to take a moment and just give gratitude to you for your listenership, your valuable time that you invest in tuning in here. And also for your trust in being able to perhaps get some feedback, some input, some support, and guidance here on the Empowered Relationship Podcast, whether or not that's for me personally or from any of our guests.
I do my best to offer high-quality, research-based practical tips, tools, and resources for you again to improve your relationship, and that is my deepest goal here. I just know that as a community, we're all in this together. I believe the ripple effect that in a greater collective as we improve the health of our relating and our relationship, that that has profound effects, good benefits that trickle out. And collectively, that will make a difference in improving our relationships and the health of our connections.
In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing with you a very important finding out of a landmark relationship science study that was published last year in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, first-authored by Samantha Joel. Before I get started on the significance of this study, one of the things that they're mentioning about the importance of the relationship between health and quality is that it has a powerful, far-reaching effect on us collectively. The social consequences, policy implications, and that unhappy marriage are associated with many negative stress-related outcomes, including poor physical health, high blood pressure, poor immune system functioning, mortality, and the risk of mental health problems. And that we also know that low marital quality spills over into people's professional and personal lives, predicting lost work productivity and lower well-being for children. This was a direct quote taken out of the study, and I'll make sure to have the link to this research article on today's show notes.
Before we get started in diving into today's topic, I just want to take a moment and just take a deep breath in with you and a deep breath out. Such a powerful practice that I continue to utilize and invite you to share with me as we just ground and center. There might be a lot of information in today's episode, and I'm hoping that we can just stay connected to the heart of the matter. And just that, this is really what the highest intention of evolving our love and in a relationship.
If you would like access to today's show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on “podcast”, and you can find all of the episodes. Again, today's episode is #300: How To Set Your Relationship Up For Success. You'll also find the transcript, which might be helpful for today's episode as I'm going to be laying out some research findings. And again, I'm going to do my best to really bring some examples that will help round this out. Let's get started in today's episode.
So, when we talk about success, many people have different definitions of what success is, especially as it relates to relationships. Some people might view this as the number of years that you've been together. Right? That matters. And others might view success as what they're able to accomplish together as a couple.
Oftentimes in research, relational science, they're looking at success as it refers to relationship satisfaction, a sense of trust, love, passion, and intimacy. In a recent landmark study, again, which I mentioned was published in 2020. Out of the proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Samantha Joel and her colleagues attempted to move the field of relationship science forward by addressing the question, “How predictable is relationship quality and which variables predict it best?”
CNN also published an article about this research study titled, A Landmark Study Shows What Makes a Successful Relationship, where they summarize the findings, and I'll make sure again to put the link to the actual research article as well as to the CNN article, which will be found on today's show notes. And again, that can be found at DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on “podcast”, and you'll find today's episode 300. You'll find all of the links mentioned.
The research study also goes into great detail about how the study has conducted the findings as well as the limitations of the study and future research suggestions. In the research article, Joel and colleagues state, “Given the powerful implications of relationship quality for health and well-being, a central mission of relationship science is to explain why some romantic relationships thrive more than others.”
What makes this study unique is that it measures several variables over a longer period of time. In previous relationships studies, scientists have only measured a few variables at a time in much shorter time duration. What makes this a landmark study is the number of participants, the number of variables studied, as well as the duration of the study.
Joel and her colleagues analyzed information on more than 11,000 couples drawn from 43 data sets that attract those partnerships for an average of a year. The study's main finding is that a person's own relationship-specific experiences are the strongest predictor for relationship satisfaction. Said differently, our own perceptions and judgments have a bigger impact and predictor of relationship satisfaction than either one of your and your partner's personalities.
In a moment, I'm going to break this down, give you more specifics and examples for you to understand how this actually translates to our relational experience. I also want to note that in CNN's article, they really titled the big takeaway is, it's not who you're with, but the dynamic you have with them that determines your relationship success. When I read this and read the article, I appreciated just the messaging that's happened here on the Empowered Relationship Podcast, as many of the principles emphasized have been the cycle, the patterns, and the dynamics in the relationship that are the biggest determinant of feeling happy, satisfied and connected.
Many times on the show, I have encouraged the mindset that it's how we get through the challenges that determine our success, not the fact that we have a challenge. And that that really lends to a growth mindset, taking an active role rather than more of the passive role that sometimes that destiny mindset, meaning finding the one and then happily ever after, that that actually can be a detriment to relationship success. Because if we experience difficulty or a conflict, and we're expecting that it will be happily ever after. And then that's a major conflict in our belief system. How can we be with the one when we're experienced in such relationship turmoil and distress.
“It's how we get through the challenges that determine our success, not the fact that we have a challenge.”
And so, if we have a growth mindset, we're much more likely to look at the opportunities for learning for growth. And if you're interested in learning more, I did a podcast very early on in the history of the show, looking at a growth mindset versus a destiny mindset. You might want to check that out if you're interested.
The other thing that I referenced on the show, now these did not come out of the research, but they seem very related. These are just my thoughts here—is addressing hurts, resentments, and fears in the relationship so we can clear that. And also resolving challenges and hopefully getting to more of a win-win. Now, this does take a level of investment and work and turning towards some of that vulnerability and that difficulty and in the interest of working through it together with your significant other. And again, we want to do this skillfully, and we want to do this mindfully. And what really matters is how we're doing it.
The last thing I want to say as this feels as though it resonates with the Empowered Relationship Principles, and the things that have been really discussed on the show is listening to the inner longings for connection, for closeness and intimacy with our significant other. Oftentimes, if we get caught up in the pace of life or children or whatever it is that is demanding our attention, we can run the risk of neglecting, taking our partner for granted, or even suppressing and denying our own longings for that bond, for that closeness, that intimacy, as well as generating play and appreciation. So, I'm listing these things here. Again, you can find them on the show notes, but that this research study seems to really echo a lot of the principles discussed here, again, that it's really about the cycles and patterns, having a growth mindset, addressing the challenges, and listening to the longings. Those are all related to our experience in relationships.
Again, these are topics mentioned here on the Empowered Relationship Podcast. And if you've been a listener for any length of time and imagine that you've heard me mention all of them, if not at least one of them. And for today's episode again, I want to return back to this landmark relationship research study.
Let's go into more depth about the top two best indicators for relationship satisfaction that come out of this research study. The strongest predictor was relationship characteristics, followed by individual characteristics. So, let's start with relationship characteristics.
“Joel and colleagues state people's own judgments about the relationship itself explained approximately 45% of their current satisfaction. The partner's judgments did not add information, nor did either person's personalities or traits.” And just to remind you, they studied data from both partners, so they were able to get that comparison.
The relationship characteristics that best predicted a person's satisfaction were (from the research study):
- Perceived partner commitment “My partner wants our relationship to last forever.”
- Appreciation. “I feel very lucky to have my partner in my life.”
- Sexual satisfaction. “How satisfied are you with the quality of your sex life?”
- Perceived partner satisfaction. “Our relationship makes my partner very happy.”
- Conflict. “How often do you have fights with your partner?” These are the top five relationship characteristics that best predict a person's relationship satisfaction.
As I read these, I'm going to share some of my own thoughts. Again, I just want to note this was not mentioned in the research study. This is my own thoughts in listening and reading this research article. For number one, perceived partner commitment. This is often, I believe, demonstrated by our partner's willingness to respond to us, turn towards us. Or, as John Gottman and the Gottman Institute would say, respond to bids for attention. This indicates their engagement and their effort. They're prioritizing us. They're available.
I have a client that is currently seeking a relationship. When he talks about the pain of previous relationships, he talks about having not felt a priority, whether or not there was a big event that he was participating in that meant a lot that he had spent months and months preparing for, and she did not attend, or perhaps he injured himself greatly and needed to go to the hospital, and she was not available to take him. There were circumstances and reasons why he could understand that this didn't happen. At the end of the day, the net-net was that he didn't feel a priority, despite understanding the circumstances again.
And so, Gottman talks about the sense that when our partner turns towards us with a hurt that the whole world stops, and we listen, and we prioritize that. Now again, circumstances don't always allow but that sentiment of that that we feel our partner is with us. Stan Tatkin also talks about in his books and in his lectures that in partnership, our partner is going to do things for us that no one else would do unless they were paid. And that this is what we do in a relationship. We learn how to really care for each other and really prioritize each other. And this demonstrates that commitment, I believe.
Number two, appreciation. Over and over again, I think in the field of personal growth and self-help, there are many prompts to do a gratitude journal or appreciation exercise. While they might seem cliche or even cheesy, these exercises, if you participate with them wholeheartedly, can be extremely powerful. They invite us to focus our brain, our attention on the aspects that we might be overlooking or even taking for granted. It cultivates feelings of gratitude and appreciation. And that experience of feeling gratitude can be in an emotional tone, a vibration that in and of itself has a positive quality that we are experiencing over and over again. I hear people talk about, “I was attempting to engage in a gratitude practice, thinking that I would be more positive to the people around me. And what I, in fact, found was I felt more positive. I was experiencing a state of gratitude and appreciation.”
And when I talk about a positive cycle, this is where our partner sees in us that appreciation and that gratitude through neuroception. These are the facial expressions. These are the nonverbals. They're likely to respond more favorably. If we just imagine our partner smiling at us like I can feel my heart warm when I think about my husband just giving me this smile and having soft nonverbals. He doesn't even have to say anything, and it feels good. So when we talk about this positive cycle, we're often responding to each other. And so, if we're feeling appreciative and feeling gratitude, without even possibly saying anything, it's likely that our partner will respond more positively to us, which then, in turn, helps generate more positivity. And then this is that positive upward cycle.
The other aspect that I thought of as it relates to appreciation is that we're more likely to experience feeling seen, heard and known, and even valued. Whether or not it's in a positive realm, in that I am appreciating my husband's traits, or perhaps his efforts, or just the person he is. Or perhaps I might even appreciate what he's going through, whether or not it's a particular challenge or struggle. Am I getting that? Do I appreciate his efforts, or what he's up against will matter to him? That feeling really seen and heard.
Three, sexual satisfaction. Now, I realize I might be stating the obvious here, in that sexual intimacy is a way of engaging and closeness and passion. It's a way of cultivating and generating love and connection that tends to last for several days. And there's a lot of neurochemicals that support this. And for many, it's a fundamental need. Now, I know that that's not true for everyone. But it often is the case that some degree of sexual closeness and intimacy is important in a relationship, particularly as we look at relationship satisfaction.
Number four, perceived partner satisfaction. And what's interesting to me about this is when I work with couples, I remember very early on in my career, I noticed even when their partner would describe their struggle in individual terms, that perhaps had nothing to do with them. Meaning, it had to do with history that predated then. Perhaps growing up in their family of origin or even a previous relationship, and the pain that they experience in their current relationship. But it's what gets activated, the trigger that then brings them back to those painful places. And what I found was really interesting is the person often listening, not always, but many times would feel as though they were letting their partner down. Or the sense of I'm not doing a good job, or I'm failing, or just this sense of feeling that it was an evaluation of them. I can see that this would bear out in the research, that if we see that our partner is happy, it can be some indication that we're good, things are okay, or I'm doing a good job, and I can feel good about what I'm investing in my relationship.
This could also point back to the coregulation, the neuroception, that we're constantly picking up on cues from one another, and we're trying to regulate and soothe and really be in this place of regulation from a nervous system standpoint. So, of course, we're going to be tracking each other. It seems as though this is another place that the positive cycle can occur. If you imagine your partner and what appears to be happy or satisfied, that indicates to you that they're feeling good in a relationship with you. I imagine that that's going to feel good and that feeling good could perhaps prompt more satisfaction for you internally. And thus, perhaps you might show on the outside, again, through your facial expressions, nonverbals, and expressions that you're feeling satisfied and happy, which in turn could impact your partner, and the cycle continues. So, in some sense, we might even think satisfaction begets more satisfaction.
I almost think about this thought of if I were to prepare and make a meal that I felt really good about, that may feel satisfying in a bit itself. However, if I share it with my husband or people that are close to me, and I get to experience what looks like their enjoyment of the meal and satisfaction, I'm going to feel that much more satisfied and pleased with this is a great experience. So, I think the same would be true for the relational interactions that constitute the bigger signs of relationship satisfaction.
And the last one here, five, conflict. This is interesting, as I quoted from the research study, how often do you have fights with your partner? On the Empowered Relationship Podcast, I emphasize that it's not, again, that you have an upset, it's how you deal with it that determines more of the success. And I know that the Gottman Institute, in their research, talk about that couples who fight that's not a predictor for divorce. It's again what they're experiencing, which mimics and echoes the research that bears out in this landmark study. But if someone's cortisol levels or they're flooded internally, or they're having a big emotional upset, or they're feeling injured, these things really matter, and especially when there's no repair.
However, being able to work through a challenge is very different. And how often we're having repetitive similar fights, right? This is that cycle or the dynamic of repeating the same difficulty over and over and over again. As the Gottman Institute would call, that's probably an unsolvable problem, and it's probably related to something deeper that we're not really revealing. This is not because we're intentionally hiding. It's just we're in our reactive protective state. We're not even maybe even conscious of those deeper attachment needs, fears, and longings.
And so, when we talk about conflict, many times, in my mind, a difference in and of itself is a conflict. So, my definition of conflict is pretty broad, but I also am really encouraging us not to avoid conflict. Again, turning towards it, that there's good information, there's a signpost here that's alerting us to something that needs our attention and that if we approach it gently and sensitively that we could grow from it. We could learn individually and even as a couple.
“I really encourage not to avoid conflict. Again, turning towards it, that there's good information, there's a signpost here that's alerting us to something that needs our attention and that if we approach it gently and sensitively that we could grow from it. We could learn individually and even as a couple. “
And so really, as we get some practice in doing this effectively, we build our confidence that we're able to resolve an issue together and that we, out of the experience, through it, at the end of it can feel more cared about, feel closer, a deeper sense of understanding and intimacy. And this is really ultimately what also helps us feel a sense of security and bindingness with our partner that they have our back, that we're not alone, that even in the parts that feel the most shameful, ugly, and unlovable that our partner can be with us and that we can come to some healing, repair, and resolution. That is important. I want to just add that as we evaluate conflict that I think there's a lot to consider there.
Now, let's move to the second predictor that came out in the research findings, and this relates to a person's individual characteristics. This was explained by 21% of their relationship satisfaction at the start of the study. The individual characteristics that best predicted a person's relationship satisfaction were:
- Life satisfaction. “The conditions of my life are excellent.”
- Negative effects. “Distressed, irritable.”
- Depression. “Feelings of hopelessness.”
- Attachment avoidance. “I prefer not to be too close to romantic partners.”
- Attachment anxiety. “I worry a lot about my relationships with others.”
Similarly, I'm going to go through each one of these with just a few more thoughts. I'm not going to go into as much depth. Please let me know if you would like more information on any one of these. I'm happy to share and go into more depth about each one of these if it's of interest to you or if one is more of interest. Again, the individual characteristics that best predict a person's relationship satisfaction.
Number one, life satisfaction. Again, some of these feel intuitive or just make perfect sense, right? That if we're not happy in life, that this could be projected onto our relationship. If someone's not happy in their career, or they're having a lot of distress with family, or they're having health issues, this can really impact the sense of feeling good about the relationship. Conversely, as the research is pointing to when our career is fulfilling, our social supports are strong, we're physically healthy and active, and our family network and community are also strong. This can contribute to relationship satisfaction, and hence there's not as much demand. It's not as taxing for our relationship to be our everything or to even combat and overcompensate for all the hardship in other areas.
Number two, negative effects. An effect is the outward display of emotion, the same similar to what I was describing appreciation, but in reverse, where if we see our partner seemingly upset, facial expressions, maybe a frown on the brow, or seemingly upset, the tense jaw, or even the nonverbals, the body language that looks tense, right. I can feel inside myself a response and reaction to that, that neuroception. Again, we're constantly observing the other. And if we are observing that negative effect, even if it has nothing to do with the relationship, we tend to feel concerned. We tend to feel impacted. And that has an effect, especially if we look at the accumulation, which means if this is happening over and over again, for a length of time.
I was playing beach volleyball with a friend over the weekend. And she was remarking that her husband had been incredibly stressed. And she's saying it's so funny. She was making a joke about it. But she was like, I get mad at him for having a bad attitude, or I get mad at him for being upset and stressed. And we were teasing. And she was saying yeah, like a walk in the house, and I feel like it can bounce off his mood. So this is real. We definitely will feel and observe and be picking up that information from our partner. And when it's a negative effect, it can be challenging that impacts our relationship satisfaction over time.
Number three, depression. And even as we're talking, I want to remind myself that these are the individual characteristics. So this is really referencing the person in a relationship that's experiencing a relationship and their individual characteristics that impact their sense of relationship satisfaction. So even as I was just talking about negative effects, I was talking about it as if in relation to the person. But this is really about the individual. So, if one is experiencing negativity, or feeling low mood or feeling down, not feeling a sense of excitement or pleasure during the day, having a lack of motivation, feeling hopeless, all the different aspects of feeling depressed or having a depressed mood, that of course, this would impact our outlook, our experience in a relationship of we're being clouded, if you will, by a state of depressed mood that this is going to interfere with our sense of experiencing relationship.
I could say a lot more about this. If you're interested, let me know. I know that I have an episode about depression. I'll do my best to put that on today's show notes as it relates to the relationship. And if you're interested in more, I'm happy to do another episode. Similarly, I'm going to kind of breeze through the next two because I've done a lot about attachment on the Empowered Relationship Podcast.
Number four, attachment avoidance. This is the tendency to turn away in a relationship to prefer to be with themselves instead of turning towards their significant other or being close. There might be a real strong preference for being alone or not being as connected in a relationship, and this tends to come from our early experience in life that it wasn't to be trusted to turn to others. Good things didn't happen. And so, we learned to avoid. We learned not to reach to another for our needs to get met. It's safer, more reliable, more consistent to learn to just rely on oneself. And we can see how this would impact relationship satisfaction because if I can't trust you, and I don't turn towards you, I don't feel helped by you, I don't feel soothed by you, I don't feel supported by you, because I won't let you. So, this would impact our sense of relationship satisfaction. I haven't opened myself up to test the waters with that. Hence, I haven't been able to experience that level of connection.
Similarly, number five, attachment anxiety. This is the anxiety, the worry, the hypervigilance. Are you still there for me? And this tends to come from an experience early in life that caregiving and getting one's needs met was inconsistent. The double-checking, the tracking, the questioning. All from this deeper level of anxiety of are you there? Will you leave? Fears of abandonment. And again, this would again interfere with that sense of feeling satisfied in a relationship because of that level of anxiety, worry, and hypervigilance.
If you recognize you might have one of these individual characteristics or more than one, you might feel concerned. And also, I want to underscore that this came out in the research that focuses on building a secure, satisfying relationship that potentially outweighs these individual characteristics. It reminds me of an episode. I interviewed Gabrielle Usatynski. She's talking about personality disorders as it relates to relationship. She was noticing through her work that oftentimes when the relationship gets more stable, the dynamics are healthy and secure, that which greatly reduces the mental health and personality disorder issues. And there's so much that can be said about that, so I'm going to just point you to that episode rather than trying to summarize that here.
Joel and colleagues, in their article, experiencing a negative effect, depression, or insecure attachment are surely relationship risk factors. But if people nevertheless manage to establish a relationship characterized by appreciation, sexual satisfaction, and the lack of conflict, and they perceive their partner to be committed and responsive, those individual risk factors may matter little.
I'd like to leave you with two takeaways, again from this landmark study. One, pay attention to the dynamics of your relationship. The CNN article quoted Samantha Joel, “It seems to me that the relationship is more than the sum of its parts. It's that relationship dynamic itself rather than the individuals who make up the relationship that seems to be most important for relationship quality.”
Number two, pay attention to your current feelings about the relationship. Interviewed and quoted in the CNN article, Dr. Ladner, a psychologist not a part of this landmark study, said another takeaway message. He said that “Although these perceptions were most predictive of relationship quality measured at the same point in time, the same pattern was found at follow up suggesting that how you feel now can be somewhat diagnostic of how you'll feel later on.” I want to note that I've had many individual clients come to me when they are experiencing a breakup or divorce or have experienced a relationship breakup or divorce. And they lament that “I should have listened to my gut.” or “I saw the signs and I didn't listen to them.” Or, “Even on my wedding day, I had to take a few shots of alcohol when I don't normally drink. I was not okay.”
Perhaps there's this perception that we think that time will heal or that if we just stay together long enough, things will just shift. And again, I want to encourage you that it's what we're experiencing in the dynamic that is really predictive here of the relationship satisfaction. I would even include health. So, if we're not feeling okay, we want to turn towards that and work on that, whether or not again, we have hurt feelings or an issue that's not resolved, or perhaps we have a longing. Those things matter. And again, if we're not feeling that the dynamics are really addressing that or supporting us, or we're not feeling safe, this is going to impact our relationship satisfaction. And as this study is saying, it's likely going to be predictive of your relationship satisfaction to come.
Now, that didn't bear out in the research, but it's possible. In closing, I'll quote here the CNN article. They're saying, “Don't focus so much on whether a person fits your type or whether they check all the boxes. Instead, think about how you're engaging with each other and whether your relationship leaves you feeling satisfied.” Right? How does it feel relating to your significant other? Lastly, Joel is quoted in the CNN article to say, “When it comes to a satisfying relationship, the partnership you build is more important than the partner you pick.”
“When it comes to a satisfying relationship, the partnership you build is more important than the partner you pick.”
Thank you so much for listening. And again, if you would like access to today's show notes, I encourage you to check out the show notes on DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on the podcast there in the top navigation bar. Click on the podcast, and you'll find today's Episode #300: How To Set Your Relationship Up For Success. You'll find the summary, the bullet point key points of today's episode. You'll also find the transcript as well as the links mentioned. You'll also find a free guide, Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication.
The beauty of this is even though this guide gives you a language to work with to really shift out of a critical tendency, right? We tend to point to the thing that hurts. Typically, when we're in a relationship, that's going to be our partner. And when we point to them about what they're doing, or them, they're going to feel defensive. And so, this way of shifting out of that critical tendency and revealing more of what we want or what we need or what we're concerned about, our partner is more likely to respond to us and what we need. Again, as I mentioned earlier in this show, the things we're struggling with or the things that we're longing for help us feel seen and heard. So, we want to really underscore that, highlight that feature that so our partner is more likely to respond.
“The things we're struggling with or the things that we're longing for help us feel seen and heard.”
And the beauty is that this is based on relationship science. I developed a course. So, if you are opt-in for this free guide, you'll get a series of emails. You'll also have an opportunity to engage in the course, which is research-based focused on these relational patterns and many of the things discussed today.
And again, you can check that out on today's show notes which can be found on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com. Thank you so so much for your listenership. Thank you for being a part of this community. It is my honor and privilege to spend this time with you. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
Signing Off
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