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Do you have to keep reminding your partner to take out the trash or put away the laundry? Well, you are not alone and it can be frustrating when you expect them to do something but they don’t. As a result, you'd react negatively, and they'd respond negatively, resulting in a downward spiral that leads to a power struggle.

In this episode, Christal Allen brings to light how decoding expectations can empower you in creating ease and fulfillment in your relationship by changing how you show up in the relationship rather than waiting for the other person to change.

Christal Allen is an accomplished businesswoman, certified coach, and has a relatable down-to-earth vibe that makes you feel safe and cared for. Christal believes that women can change their relationships, household, and environments by how they carry themselves, believe in themselves and care for themselves mentally.

In this Episode 

4:32 An overview of Christal’s work.

7:20 The human tendency to focus on what is negatively affecting and how this manifests itself in a relationship.

15:58 The downward spiral that leads to power struggles.

29:01 How Christal is helping couples shift their paradigm.

42:09 A few examples of how this process helped couples in their relationships.

Your Check List of Actions to Take

• Pause, inquire and explore the beliefs that you have created around who you are in your marriage and make a conscious decision to work on developing, not a better story, but a new story that helps cultivate more connection, love, and excitement in your relationship.
• Stand in your emotional well-being. Do not be swayed one way or the other based on your partner’s actions.
• Focus more on the different ways that you love them or you want to connect with them.
• Take good care of yourself because the more that we care for ourselves, the more we can sustain giving to others.
• Make a decision to love your partner even in times when they do not see you the way you wanted to be seen or understand you the way you would love for them to see you.
• Build self-awareness about yourself and decide intentionally how you want to show up in your relationship.
• Dig deeper into understanding why you do what you do, why do you react the way you do, and why you keep some things you could be sharing.
• Learn about one another and choose to love and support rather than feeling that power struggle.

Mentioned

Free 2-minute Quiz to find out “What Kind of Wife or Girlfriend You Are”

Shift Criticism Into Connected Communication Course by Dr. Jessica Higgins

Connect with Christal Allen

Website: christalallen.com/ 

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/christal-allen-harrahill-0982b296/?trk=pulse-article_main-author-card 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LifeCoachChristal 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/christalallen

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship 

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins 

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation 

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins 

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins 

Website: drjessicahiggins.com  

Email: [email protected]

About Today's Show

Christal, thank you for joining us today. 

I'm so happy to be here with you, Jessica. This is an honor. Thank you. 

I appreciate one of the main things that you're really helping people do. And it sounds like you work with women and really look at the moves they make, the role that they play in a relationship, and how that makes such a difference. Is that right? 

Yeah, it is. I have been working with professional women who find themselves coping in their relationships. One thing that I'm passionate about is just giving them freedom from being not heard, not seen, that type of thing, and almost feeling like their emotional well-being is at the mercy of their partner. And so, it's so close to the type of work that you're doing. So that's why I'm really happy to have this conversation with you today. 

I couldn't agree with you more. I often am talking about really looking at both parts, right? Is it the opportunity for us to look at our own part and the inner development as well as when we show up differently, it helps us cultivate a different experience in a relationship, which is what you're referring to? And I do believe when one person changes, it changes the whole dynamic. We can't do the same dance anymore if we're relating differently. 

Yes, that is so true. I love actually that you just mentioned the word “dance” because sometimes I, for example, have a client who will say, “You know, I feel like I'm evolving and my partner's being stagnant.” And sometimes it's like, I like to share the visual of you and your partner have been dancing the salsa all these years. And now you move to the tango, and your partner is going to trip as you kind of make that transition to that new dance. Nothing has gone wrong. It's just taking a look at what do you want your relationship to be? How do you want to show up in your relationship, and work on that, and then loving your partner for who they are, and taking a look at some of the expectations that you may have of them, both unspoken and spoken expectations, and just really building because these are women who they value the relationship, they're in a physically safe relationship, and they really want to heal it. And so, they just need some help about how to go about doing that. 

Great. Well, I'm excited to dive into this because I think it's mentioned a lot. But to really give attention and a deeper dive into this topic, I think, will be incredibly helpful. I hear you referring to the women that you work with. I imagine that these principles perhaps can apply to anyone. 

Absolutely. Yeah. So, if the guys out there are listening, this can definitely apply to you. 

Awesome. As we begin our conversation, I just want to normalize how, and maybe I would love to hear from you around this, but it seems very natural and human to look to the thing that's hurting. Sometimes I use the analogy. It's like, if we feel pain, we usually want to point to the thing that hurts, right? 

I like that. 

And often, when we're in a relationship that can look like our significant other. And so, it is easy to look at the circumstances or the behavior of our significant other and see that as problematic. That's kind of the first level. What would you say? 

Yeah, I do. I think, typically, many times when we find ourselves in a relationship and things aren't looking the way that we want them to, or maybe the way that we expect it to look. One thing that I also like to ask clients is some of the expectations or things that you're looking for your partner to bring to the table. Are you bringing some of those same items to the table? Because sometimes it's so easy to look at what our spouse or our partner is doing or not doing. 

For example, I got into this work really out of a decision I made to work on myself within my marriage. I like to share this very simple and somewhat silly story of my obsession with my husband not taking the cans out on time and then bringing them back in. It seems so simple, right? But when I really sat down and looked at the mental energy that I was spending on this on our trash days, I said, “Okay, something is going on here. This is an unnecessary mental drama that I'm causing in my life.” 

And when I took time just to kind of sit with myself, I realized that I had this story that I had created around men, who if you have a man in the household, whether it's a brother, cousin, husband, whoever, son, that it is their job to manage to take the trash to the curb, and bringing the cans back in. And it came from me growing up with my grandparents, and my grandfather was in waste management. So, I saw him doing that very well throughout my childhood. And so, I had this expectation, almost like a manual. We think of a manual of how to use your dishwasher or a new appliance that you have. Sometimes we have those manuals for our partners. And many times, when we do that, it's an immediate setup for failure for both. For them as well as for us. 

And so, I just like to share that story as a way to let people see that sometimes what we are expecting of our partners or some of the challenges that we are having in our relationship, even if they're small, it's worth it to do the work and tap into yourself and see, “Why am I feeling this way? Why do I want him or her to do this?” That self-discovery is really powerful. 

I couldn't agree with you more. We have two individuals that are entering into a partnership, and each individual comes from a different background. That's cultural dynamics. It can be family constellations and just experiences, and there's so much meaning-making that comes from those experiences. I would say most people don't have that explicit breaking down, “What does this mean?” Or even what taking out the trash means. 

Yes! Right?

Expectations as you're referring to and what it represents. I love just the inquiry of looking at the significance and the meaning because there was a lot more there than just the trash, right? It's what is represented and what it symbolizes for you. I think that this is so relevant. If we're not unpacking this, it's easy to get caught in content. Like, “What's the deal? It's just the trash, right?” It's the content, but really what it represents and the meaning can be so significant. 

Yes, I love the way you worded that. Yeah, that's perfect. 

And that you're really saying is if we can pause, have some inquiry, and explore can be incredibly revealing. 

Yeah. Let's look at the circumstance in that example. The circumstance is the cans not being pulled out on time. Or maybe the trucks have picked up the cans, and now they're still sitting out there days later, right? We can pull a couple of factual items from that circumstance. But it's not a problem until I apply thought to it that makes it a problem. So, the thought is, “That's his responsibility. Why isn't he getting them out on time and then bringing them back in before NHOA gives us a violation?” 

And so, I think it's just really powerful to take a look at the stories that we have, which are, you know, beliefs are just thoughts that we have thought about for a long time. And so, many times, we don't question, are they factual? Or is this true? Sometimes it's just a matter of even taking a look at a belief or story that you've created around who you are as an individual and who you are in your marriage, or what your marriage should look like and just say, “Okay, I've been thinking this for a while. I've believed this for a while. Is this helping me get the results that I want in my relationship?” and make a conscious decision to work on developing, not a better story, but a new story that helps cultivate more connection and love and excitement in your relationship. 

And so, as you're describing this, it sounds as though, again, inquiry and not slowing down and recognizing what it represents and how revealing it is that you can then make different choices about it. 

Yes, absolutely. Because let's take an example of, and she's given me permission to share the story. And I have shared it in different ways. I had a client who was in a very loving relationship, as she described it. However, her boyfriend said that he was not ready to say, I love you. She made that mean that there's something wrong with her. We have such a great time together, great connection. He literally is the man of my dreams. He's pulling out my chair, opening my car door. Everything that she wanted in a relationship. He seemed to be checking all these boxes with that one exception. 

One of the actions that she decided to take was to put a pause on the relationship. We were talking about that. Ultimately, is that what you want to do in order to bring you closer and create more connections? It's so interesting because, yeah, it's such a simple question, but at the time, she was using that as almost an ultimatum. Like, we're going to pause if I don't hear these words from you, I love you. 

And so, I just kind of share that example because when you have a situation where your partner is doing something, or they're not doing something, and then you make it mean something about you, that's where we get in trouble sometimes. Because let's say they're having a bad day or they come home, and maybe they don't greet you the way that they usually do. It doesn't mean anything about you, right? Maybe they're just kind of having a bad day. But I used to do that as well. I see it so much. We make our partner's actions and inactions mean something typically negative about ourselves. And then, we sometimes get into this mental angst within ourselves that comes out in how we show up in a relationship. 

And then if I can add, it often feels as though it's breeding ground for reaction-reaction, and almost this downward spiral because let's say one partner is perceiving their significant other in this negative frame, they're likely to respond more negatively, and thus, their partner's probably going to see that on the outside and react to that, and it creates a lot of disconnects. I was even wondering, Christal, if what you're describing with your client, or even perhaps in any coupled dynamic, where there's a conflict that this could be breeding ground for power struggles? 

Yeah, I like that description. And even maybe that visual of a power struggle. 

Because when I think about my relationship with my husband and when we get caught into our beliefs about something without really taking time to unpack it, it can feel like we are trying to persuade one another, and really jockeying positions, trying to be right, essentially, which can feel like a power struggle. I know it's, again, very human to advocate for what we want. We want to feel seen and heard. And if we're in this climate of going back and forth around whose way is right, that can feel very unproductive and disconnecting. 

Yes, I totally agree. I really liked that visual that you shared of a power struggle because, yeah, that's exactly what it is. And ultimately, we're on the same team. And when we get into that moment of how you say, like, just both sides jump into a reactionary mode. Yeah, we overlook that we're on the same team. We want to have the relationship of our dreams; however, we define that for your particular relationship. Yeah, I think that's beautiful. 

And what you're offering people and encouraging them to do often I'll talk with my clients like, this is a high-level ninja move to get out of the pattern and the dynamic and really take some time to reflect and really understand because it changes the moves, it changes the whole dynamic, and we soften it by what we can bring. And before we go to that, I want to ask you one question because you're really speaking about the opportunity that exists individually. I'm curious about your husband and the example of the canisters and cans for trash day. Did you reveal to him the significance in the understanding that you were able to kind of connect with? 

I finally did it in a more complete way. Yeah, thanks for bringing that backup. Because once we moved into our marriage home, I had made that a request. We know that as two adults in a relationship, making a request of our partner, there's a 50/50 chance that they're going to do it or not do it. And how we respond to that makes all the difference, right? Not only just for the relationship but for ourselves. 

And so, after I realized that I was literally having this mental energy spent in a way that wasn't productive to me. I mean, literally on trash day, I was peeking out from behind blinds and curtains, looking out on the curb to see if the cans were out there. I'm just like, “This is ridiculous. What am I doing?” 

And so, I did share that with him and the story that I realize I was kind of holding around the responsibility of a man in regards to the cans out on the curb. I had gotten to a place where I knew that if it still continued to be a little inconsistent, I was no longer going to be giving up my emotional well-being around that topic. But yes, I was able to share that with him, and we had a laugh about it, actually. So, I'm glad that I was able to get to that point. 

Interesting. Okay. So, what I was anticipating is that if you shared the deeper meaning and significance, he would have a greater understanding of how much it meant to you and thus be more motivated to show up for you because it's not just a logistical thing that really doesn't matter that much, right. But when he loves you and cares about you, he wants to show up for you. But it sounds like something different happened. It sounds like as you and your husband talked through that, you were able to perhaps open up your expectations or definitions of what it means to be a responsible man. 

Yes, it really was. It's so funny. You mentioned that Jessica because there have been some times more likely not getting the cans out but bringing them back in, right? That is still looking the way that it looked before our conversation. I am a complete peace about it because I also know that I can completely decide how I want to handle that. I'm no longer making it mean anything about him and him as a husband and him not wanting to care for my requests. I'm also very open to the fact that I am blessed to have two arms that work. And if it's really bothering me, I can go drag the cans back into the garage. 

And so yeah, it really was a great way for me to share what was going on. But then really just kind of stand in my emotional well-being like the power of me not being swayed one way or the other based on his actions. And so, that feeling is such an empowering feeling. It allows you to just kind of step out of this expectation or this manual, or however you want to describe it that you have for your partner. And just focus more on the different ways that you love them, or you want to connect with them. It puts things into perspective. That was my experience. 

Help me if I hear you correctly. There's this sense in psychology, this term of differentiation and being able to stand on your own two feet and really feel your space. And why this is coming up for me as I hear you speak; it feels like there's a real promotion of this empowerment and that it counteracts some of what I think collectively we sometimes unconsciously default to, which is our partner should be our everything. And our partner is our source for our livelihood. And so, when we're not feeling happy, it's almost hinged on whether or not they're going to show up or not. And it's very hijacking and impacting our well-being. Is that what I'm hearing? 

Oh my gosh, yeah. And you said it so beautifully. It really is where we look to our partners to be our everything and to manage our emotions. If we can learn and build that muscle, because you're so right, I don't think it's something that is completely counterintuitive to how we have been. I think just kind of maybe spoken to as a society. I think that the more that you're able to care for yourself or care for your emotional well-being. I know I say that a lot, but what I believe in regards to women is especially if we learn how to care for our emotional well-being like it's a gift. Many times, what we do is when we are in need of something, or we have a request when we ask that of our partner. 

I also want to make something very clear here. And no way am I saying you should have a Hush mail. I believe you should be communicating to your partner and having a request, but the thing is, we go back to that 50/50 chance of whether they're going to follow through on that request, or maybe follow through in the way that you have requested of them to do so. In the 50% chance that they don't do it, you being able to still maintain your emotional well-being and not be sent into whatever may be your style of reaction is, that's where the power is.

Christal, I also want to wonder with you. Is there an element of this as you talk about working more predominantly with women, and I'm thinking about the feminine and the propensity to give and be caretaking and the need and the importance of nurturing self and really holding our own needs and cherishing those as well? It's again this counterintuitive thing that actually, the more that we can care for ourselves and our well-being, the more that we can sustain giving to others. 

Yes, that is so true. I'm so happy you brought that up because the work that you do, whether it's the man or the woman in the relationship, the work that you decide to do on yourself is really in the way of a beautiful way to care for your partner because you're doing that self-care for yourself. And it's almost like you're doing it for yourself, not against your partner. And sometimes I say that because sometimes a partner may think, “Well, if I do this, then what if my partner feels this way? Or what if that hurts their feelings, or what have you.” I think if you just think you're doing it for yourself, like out of a place of love, not against your partner, it's really something that's going to strengthen you and your relationship. It's a beautiful way to look at doing the self-work. 

I just want to be inclusive, that, however, people identify in their gender and welcome all ways that people partner. I know we're talking about feminine and masculine, and sometimes that's important for the conversation and just to honor that. 

Thank you. Yes. 

And what you're talking about also feels very freeing, because there's something about dependency, when I was saying earlier about being hinged, right, when we can recognize the empowerment and the care that we can provide, and really advocating and holding what is important for us, as we are in a relationship, that that's really freeing. It's almost this energy or quality that we're both two individuals that are responsible for our respective lives, and we're sharing and co-creating space together. But that dependency again, and leaning so heavily, and our well-being is dependent on someone's moves, that that can be a tricky thing. 

Yeah, it really can. Because, obviously, you're in a relationship with someone who you care for, and you want to be in this relationship. And so, there's an aspect of this to where, of course, there are going to be times when your spouse may be a little bit better at maybe seeing you in the way that you like to be seen or understanding you in the way that you would love for them to see you. But in the times that maybe they are not doing that, you always know that it doesn't mean anything about you. You can still love them for who they are or make that decision about how you want to love them, how you want to show up in your relationship. I think the question comes up well. If you're in a relationship with someone, and it's just about the individual, I think that just kind of overlooks the way that you just so beautifully said. It is like, we are two individuals who have come together and united to create a life together, but it doesn't mean that it's out the window about you caring for yourself, and it's now your partner's responsibility. 

I can say being in a role professionally where I am of service that I've had to learn this and learn it again and again, that if I'm not attending to my self-care and my well-being, I feel depleted, and it's really difficult to sustain the type of relationships that are of high quality that I'm in alignment with. So, it's so necessary. 

Yeah. 

Well, while we have you, Christal, I realize you have such a gift in this area. As I remember saying a moment ago, just like this is not an easy thing, right? You're really asking people to do a whole paradigm shift. 

Yes. 

What do you do? Because it sounds like people perhaps would come to you when they're feeling discontent or upset about what's transpiring in their relationship. And as you mentioned, a client earlier, like even putting a stop to the relationship because of feeling that conflict. Where do you start with people around, helping them shift their paradigm in the way that you're inviting? 

I have a simple process that I use, and it's literally like ABC. It starts with awareness. Right? That has been literally like this conversation that we're having that we know what we're talking about here. Because they come to me, or they come into this kind of work in general of relationship coaching, usually sharing everything that the partner is doing. Right? And then, when the work begins, and they see that, okay, this is actually looking inward at how I am maybe interpreting things or how I'm deciding to think about things, and how I'm showing up. Let's take a look at what that is currently looking like and if it's getting you the results that you want in your relationship. 

And then if it's not, and in many aspects of it, it isn't getting the results, then that's when we work on becoming, and that's the B of ABC. Becoming the person who you really want to be in this relationship and what does that look like for you, and uniquely you. And then ultimately deciding on the change, the C of the ABC. Decide what kind of changes you want to make in care and in love for yourself, and in love for the relationship and your partner. What do you want this relationship to look like? What intentional change are you making to be that person in this dream relationship, the relationship of your dreams? 

I'm wondering if we can maybe give an example perhaps for each. And before we do that, I'm wondering, as I'm listening to the awareness piece. You've mentioned a few times beliefs expectations. Do you specifically ask your clients to reflect on these things? Or do you walk them through a process? 

I do, yeah, because I think that spending some time just digging up these beliefs and stories that we have around our relationship is so important. I also prefer that clients write it out and see it in black and white because sometimes it's like this big, hairy, scary monster in our brains. If you put it on paper, you're like, “Oh, that's just a thought.” And so, putting it down on paper and spending some time like writing the story that you have around typically the primary pain point of the relationship. 

And then, I also have them do a manual exercise. Kind of like how we refer to earlier in the conversation, like, literally think of your kids getting a toy, and it comes with an instruction manual of how to put it together. Many of us have an instruction manual of how we expect our partners to act around us, for us, that type of thing. And so, that builds on the awareness piece. Let's start by just looking at where we are before we try to transition to the other parts. 

And then, when we move on to the becoming, look at some of the ways that you've been showing up. Do you want to continue? Maybe there are some things that you really feel in alignment with that you do want, that feel true to you, and it helps bring more connection and blossoms the relationship. Let's hang on to that. But what are some things that you really feel like you want to move to the change piece of this work? 

And so, it really is an amazing process, especially when they come in primarily, spending most of their mental energy on what their partner is doing. And so, I think it goes back to what you said earlier. Yeah, it is challenging work, but it's so worth it because this is stuff that you cannot unlearn. This is stuff that you're going to have for years to come. And yes, the work is primarily for yourself, and then your relationship, but then it just trickles out into all of your other relationships like your family, your friends, your coworkers, because you really are building this self-awareness about yourself and really deciding intentionally how you want to show up in those relationships instead of in the reaction mode. 

For sure. I imagine that the becoming can be incredibly illuminating because even if I imagine the contemplation of what would I love? Or if I had a magic wand, or what's the vision? That could be a little confronting if I feel into that, and then I reflect on what is currently happening and how I'm currently showing up. 

Yes, yeah. I love how you just kind of like putting those two together. Yeah, like the becoming aspect of it when you do sit and just take a moment to be like, “What do I love about my partner?” Or maybe even it's like physical features that you're so attracted to or whatever it is. And then, face that against the initial work of the awareness. Yeah, I like the idea of the illumination of it. Yeah, that's a great word. 

Well, there could be quite a big contrast, right? I can think about instances where my husband perhaps has had a sour mood about things, and it's been several days or you know, I'm getting a little impatient about it perhaps because I'm like, I want to feel joy, I want to feel happy with you, and I can get a little bit of an attitude in response when I might be participating in the thing I don't want. And if I really am connected to the alignment and the integrity of what I really do want, and that's, I think, a difficult thing, as we keep saying, because it's almost a sense in a relationship. If we're not conscious, it can feel like, no, you go first. 

You do it first, and I'll follow. I like that. Yeah.

Rather than doing the brave, hard thing, where it's like, the integrity is on the line. I'm doing this because I'm in alignment with it, versus we're going tit for tat, so to speak. 

Yes, yeah. It's you like literally deciding to drop the rope. In the tug of war, you decide to drop the rope and raise your hand and say, “I'm going to work on myself with this.” It allows you in those moments too, like, for example, in that scenario that you just described, it allows you to have the option to just be at whatever state of happiness or peace that you want to be in. And that way, you're present, and you're ready for when your husband comes around, and he has processed whatever it is that's going through. Or maybe he comes to you and has a conversation, or maybe he just needed time to work through whatever that was. 

It's like, you don't feel as though anything was taken away from you. Right? Yeah, because I mean, I've been there, too. It's like, I'm here. When you're ready, or if you're ready, let's resume or let's have a conversation. Would you share with me what's going on? But it just may open things up a little bit more because sometimes, I don't know about you, Jessica, like in a situation like that. Because I've had that happen with my husband, too. Then I get quiet, and I want to shut down. And then it's like, this is ultimately not what I want. I want more connections. I want to be close. And so, why am I like mimicking your actions just because you had a rough day at work, and it literally had nothing to do with me. 

Right. I wonder, Christal, with your C and the change that I can imagine if I have done some preparation work and I've identified some actions or things that I can do to be a person of change, if you will, that it's more accessible at the moment because I've done that prep work versus being confronted with the reaction and then being a little bit at a loss. 

Yeah. Yeah. No, I thank you for just kind of teeing it up that way because the prep work, I believe, is necessary for lasting change because we can always just try to jump into thoughts swapping or just try to change thoughts.

Or the matching, like you just said. 

Yes. Right. The self-discovery part of this is trying to understand why you do what you do. Why do you react the way you do? Why do you not share some of the things that you could be sharing or whatever it is? That part of the process is what I believe is the foundation, right? So that way, you can make the changes that you want to see in yourself, which, like you mentioned earlier, which I completely believe does change the trajectory of the relationship.

Yeah, because as you talk about manual, right, there's the history that we've known before the partnership, and then there's the relational history. And when we start to shift, it's almost as if we're changing the rules, or we're changing the game, and they might not be aware of it. And yeah, it's having an impact. I wonder. Do you sometimes invite people to be explicit about that? Like, I'm going to show up a little differently. Or do you just have them be in it? 

It's interesting. I guess I have had clients experience a little bit of both. Sometimes I'll take them through like these dare exercises where over the weekend, I'll say, “Okay, the dare of the weekend is to give me your top expectation for your husband.” And typically, when it comes around the weekend. 

One client was like, okay, cleaning out the garage, or whatever it is. Drop the expectation that they're going to participate or do it in the way that you want them to do and just kind of see how the dynamic between the two of you, what that looks like over the weekend. And so, I have done it a couple of different ways. But it really is up to the client whether they want to share how they are doing this work. Most of my clients are definitely open to their partners that they're in relationship coaching. But I leave it up to them to decide how much to share. 

Yeah, and I can see for myself that I've experienced both where I've been very internal about it and just noticed the vibration or the quality of the connection change. I will say there are other times where I could see my husband pushing back or being resistant. I feel like it can be helpful to really spell it out, trying to be the sort of that here's what I'm, here's the intention around where I'm coming from. I guess I want to also know that it seems common that it might take a significant other a period of time to adapt, right? Sometimes we look for immediate change, and that isn't always a good evaluation meter of did that worked or not? And again, I don't want anybody or myself to be taking action to change really secretly with the motivation that our partner is going to behave differently. Right? That's defeating the whole thing we're talking about. We care about our relationship and the functioning of it. Right? So, I think it's fair to give several months for some exploration around how things could shift. What would you say? 

Yeah, I am in complete agreement with you, Jessica. I would say hold the timeline very loosely because it's going to look different for each couple. And depending on what the specific concerns or issues are within the relationship, and especially if they have been almost ingrained, and even if they aren't right, even if they aren't what the couple is intending for the relationship, but it has been a part of the relationship for so long. Yeah, I agree. Give yourself some grace and hold on to a timeline very loosely. 

And just to concretize this, do you want to come back to the example that you mentioned with your client and him not saying I love you. And after you guys did that ABC, what did that look like? 

You know what, it looked like her returning back to this relationship. And by the time that we finished working together, he still wasn't comfortable saying that. However, she was really working on and in the process of really understanding that it didn't mean anything like bad about her. He wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with him. 

And so, she hadn't heard those three words by the time we were done working together for that particular coaching session or package, but the beautiful thing was that she was in her own journey, like the process of experiencing this relationship that she herself just described as like one of the best that she had ever been in, and just being present, and focusing on all the other things that were so amazing, and allowing him to come to those three words in his own time. 

So yeah, it was really rewarding to see her make a decision that she wanted to make. She did want to, which was why I was so surprised when we had our next session, and she's like, “I told him that we were on break.” So, I was really surprised to hear that because that's not what she wanted. 

It feels as though there's a consciousness and an ability to respond versus just react, right? I can really relate to your client. When my husband and I first started dating, I grew up with a lot of words of affirmation, and he grew up with none. His was all acts of service, as we talk about love languages. And I would, Christal, on whatever special occasions, I would have this card that has all this sentiment, and I take it all this time to write all these beautiful things, and I will legitimately get a card from him that just said “Love, Reid.” Like, nothing. Like, he would get from like a grandparent or something. And I was like, “Are you for real?” But now, fast forward. We met in 2005. We started dating in 2006. Now, he will write me the most beautiful cards, and I am so touched. I'm like, “I think you write cards better than I do now.” There's really broadening if I was just caught in my expectations or my beliefs and made a decision around what that meant without really doing the work, I could have easily cut that off. 

Yes, thank you for sharing that story. Yeah. I think that's a beautiful example. I love that so much. And it's also an example too of your husband stepping out of his, something that is not a strength of his, in a way to just show an extra level of love for you and understanding for how you like to receive love. So, that's a beautiful story. 

And I thank you. I appreciate you acknowledging that. I think this is where as we are in a relationship sharing space and we learn about one another, and we're choosing to love and support rather than feeling like that power struggle of like, you are forcing me to do it or like there's so much hinged on it, and I don't really feel like I have a choice here, right? And then all the stuff that comes from that. 

Okay. Well, this is a rich conversation. I know, we could probably do it for a lot longer. I know we're winding down. So, is there anything you want to say in closing that you feel like you wanted to speak to that we haven't gotten to? 

No. Just that I love this work that you're doing. I'm thankful that you're here working with couples and helping them connect and have a deeper level of this integrative relationship. It really can just create the relationship of their dreams. And so, I'm just honored to be here with someone else who values relationships and marriage and that type of thing and really wants to help couples succeed. So, this has been so much fun.

Thank you. Likewise, I can just feel the health of the work that you're doing and making a difference in assisting people to really look at that awareness so that they can, again, be more conscious and really be in alignment with what matters to them, and then be in a place of advocating and taking action in support of that and how empowering that is, right? You mentioned that word empowering, and I just think in relationship, so much of the toxicity around the reaction and the cycles and the defending. It just gets into this very vicious cycle. And so, I feel like there's such a light that you're bringing to help people cut the cords of that and really be in service of their highest and be in alignment with their power and nurturing their well-being and all of the things that like you said, come from this work. It's not just relational. It's all the ripple effect. So, I feel similarly. Thank you. 

Beautiful. Yeah. 

How would you like to encourage people to get more connected with you and what you're offering? 

You can connect with me on my website, which is ChristalAllen.com. There's a way for you to submit a question or maybe take my fun relationship quiz. Click on free resources, and you'll see the link for the quiz there. It's just a fun way to tap into looking into what kind of wife or girlfriend you are. 

And if someone were to take that quiz, what are you hoping that they'll get from that?

I have four types that are possible results from that quiz. It's basically helping them take a look at maybe how they're currently showing up. And then the way for them to maybe take a step back and start that awareness process and like care for themselves a little bit more, if like, for example, if they are the type that's just like all-in and they have forgotten all the things that they enjoy doing. They're not spending time with friends, that type of thing. It helps them take a step back and care for themselves and rediscover some of the things that they're passionate about. 

Many times, don't you think it's funny when we get in a relationship with someone? Sometimes we get together because they thought so much of the things that we were passionate about. And then, once we're in a relationship, we lose that. Right? I always think that that's so curious. And so, this quiz will just kind of have you take a deeper look at that. 

It sounds like it's a supportive assessment, and just look at where am I functioning, how am I functioning in my well-being and relationship? I love it. 

Yeah. 

What are you encouraging people to do on your website? It sounds like you offer coaching. Is there anything you want to say around what you want people to get there? 

So, I would love for you to check out the work-with-me tab. I have a waitlist right now. My next program will open in March of 2022. That is a six-week program that I have where I take professional women through the ABCs of relationship coaching. And so, I would love for you to take a look and just see if that's something that you're interested in. I can offer a free discovery call where we talk more about what it is that you are in need of. I am transparent and share with you whether I think I'm a good fit to get you the results that you need. And yeah, we would love for you to consider joining my next round of relationship coaching. 

Wonderful. I will make sure to have these links on today's show notes. Christal, thank you so much for sharing your valuable time with us. 

Jessica, this has been so fun and an honor. It really has been. So, thank you so much for this opportunity. 

Signing Off

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