Podcast: Play in new window

Subscribe: RSS

About this episode

Ever feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages when it comes to what truly matters? Maybe that seemingly minor argument about weekend plans or household chores is actually a sign of deeper, hidden misalignments. In many relationships, conflicts arise not just because of surface-level disagreements, but also because we haven’t taken the time—or found the right language—to name and share our genuine priorities.

In this episode, you’ll discover practical tools and insightful strategies to help couples identify, understand, and communicate their individual and shared priorities. By exploring the difference between values and priorities, introducing a simple method to measure alignment, and breaking down actionable steps for regular check-ins, this conversation is packed with guidance for strengthening your partnership. Whether you’re seeking more harmony in daily life or aiming for lasting intimacy, this episode provides a roadmap for aligning on what matters most, together.

Nick Brancato is a seasoned personal development coach and educator with over 25 years of experience helping individuals and couples connect, communicate, and thrive. With a master’s degree in education and a background as a Microsoft systems engineer, Nick blends practical tools with data-driven frameworks to guide clients through life’s challenges, including career shifts, financial pressures, and personal growth.

Nick’s holistic process incorporates meditation, guided visualization, and hypnotherapy, emphasizing both emotional insight and actionable steps. By fostering deeper connections and mental clarity, Nick empowers couples to transform tension into trust and misalignment into mutual success, creating lasting, meaningful change in their relationships.

Episode Highlights

03:09 Nick Brancato’s journey to relationship coaching and the origins of “Prioritize Us”.

06:50 The power of priority alignment and differentiating priorities from values.

10:35 Navigating conflict by understanding differences and looking beyond surface issues.

13:52 Practical tools for identifying, ranking, and comparing priorities in relationships.

17:14 How to use the Total Difference Score (TDS) and the ten core life priorities.

21:01 The importance of individual assessment before sharing priorities with your partner.

27:45 Shifting priorities together and supporting each other’s growth and change.

35:57 Fostering positive daily connection through small, medium, and large relationship check-ins.

39:01 Overcoming overwhelm with decision-making, clarity, and relationship scorekeeping.

43:08 The Swiss Cheese principle.

47:47 Key takeaways and available resources for couples.

Your Check List of Actions to Take

• Take a few minutes to list and rank what matters most to you right now, such as career, health, relationships, and spirituality.
• Have your partner independently rank their own top 10 priorities, using the same list or categories.
• Sit down and share your rankings, taking note of where you're aligned and where there are differences.
• For each priority, find the difference in ranking between you and your partner, add them all up, and use the total to gauge your alignment.
• Ask each other what makes certain priorities important, focusing on understanding the deeper value rather than judging or debating.
• Make it an ongoing habit to check in on how you can help your partner invest time and energy in what matters most to them.
• Incorporate short daily or weekly conversations to share your top focus areas or decisions and stay attuned to shifting priorities.
• Recognize that priorities can change with life events, so refresh your rankings together after major transitions or periodically to stay in sync.

Mentioned

Prioritize Us (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

ERP 243: How To Skillfully Engage In A Conversation To Overcome Conflict In Relationships – An Interview With Kenneth Cloke

Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love

Connect with Nick Brancato

Websites: nickbrancato.com

Instagram: instagram.com/personaldevcoach

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship 

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins 

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation 

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins 

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins 

Website: drjessicahiggins.com  

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like it to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. 

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. 

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. 

Thank you!  

*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

Episode Transcript

Nick, thank you for joining us.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm very excited to be here and talk with you.

Yes, I am very much looking forward to our conversation, and especially your topic and what you really help support people have a better understanding of, as far as their priorities and their values. Before we get into that, for people who're just getting to know you, what would you like to share around how this became important for you and wanted to really support people in understanding this better?

Sure, absolutely. So the origin story behind my book, Prioritize Us, is actually a crisis that led to clarity. So my now wife was having a lot of mental health issues, and it took a really long time for us to figure out what was going on. In fact, we took a leave of absence from work when we were just close friends to try to figure it out. She was experiencing extreme paranoia, hallucinations, eventually she was hearing voices. So finally, she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. It's a happy ending. She's on medication now, and everything is terrific. She's thriving. So it's a happy ending. But during the worst time in our lives, the most severe of situations, our relationship actually improved. So it was during this crisis that all previous communication struggles fell to the wayside and the small arguments disappeared. Even though we communicated different languages, all of a sudden we were able to connect on a new level, and suddenly, health and safety became our top priorities. So for the first time, we were perfectly aligned.

This realization kind of sparked an aha moment, that if having the same top priority results in everything being easier, what if we apply this to the rest of our relationship? What other priorities could we uncover and learn about each other? So I began identifying and ranking 10 core life priorities. I want to differentiate priorities from values. Values are much more stable, they're sort of a core belief system. They might change over time, but much more gradually. Priorities shift even day to day. They change over time. It's what's most important to you now. So realizing that couples often argue about surface-level issues, when the real conflict comes from misaligned priorities.

So after identifying these 10 life priorities, I realized that we could compare them to each other objectively. I created a data-driven tool called the Total Difference Score (TDS), and it measures priority alignment and misalignment between partners. So I tested this method in my coaching practice and with everyone I could find, basically. We found that couples were just discovering hidden misalignments all the time. It's very unlikely that two couples will have the same exact alignment, it's like one in a trillion with this test. It ranks 0 to 50, so it's very unlikely. Everyone is going to have differences, and what the differences are, that's good. It's areas where you can communicate, where you can learn more. I discovered that simply by understanding differing priorities, couples or any relationship communicates better. So after seeing how effective this system was, I decided to write Prioritize Us, to help as many couples as I can navigate misalignment and prevent conflict from occurring.

Yes. Much of what I'm understanding about what you encourage people to do, as this becomes a tool that they're in practice around, is really bringing awareness to their current priorities. I appreciate your distinction between values and priorities. I would presume that the values inform priorities. Yet, given what life demands or life circumstances or the particular focus, that those priorities might shift and change. But if people have a way to be conscious of them and then communicative about them, that can help with negotiating living life together. Is that right?

Absolutely, your values certainly inform your priorities. One of the big things I would say is that priorities is fairly a new concept. There only used to be the word priority until around a hundred years ago. So priorities, in the plural sense, is a fairly new concept. It's really a modern life concept. I want to emphasize that alignment isn't about perfection, it's about direction. It's knowing where you're going together and making adjustments as life changes.

Yeah, and I would say this is often what people are up against negotiating long-term intimacy. Look, one of the things that I can reference is the developmental stages of intimacy, and that first stage is what people classically think of like the honeymoon or the bonding stage, which is full of neurochemicals and it feels really good. Then typically, that second stage is the conflict stage. It's recognizing: Oh, you're really different than I am, or you operate very differently than I thought. We start to see that emerge. That's where people get into power struggles or they get stuck. They just cut off certain parts. Well, we're not going to talk about that, we're not going to do that because it poses conflict. Yet, there's so much richness to be had as far as how we look at our differences from this curious, compassionate stance that allows for understanding. It seems like what you're encouraging people to do is helping people understand what's the deeper meaning, what's the deeper value around what we're doing or saying? Is that right?

Exactly, what's important to you, what's important to me, and what isn't important to you right now. I'd like to know both. If I adopt a learning stance, and just like you said, move forward with curiosity, that's such a wonderful word. Because really, the thing that you want most in your closest relationships is to understand why they're doing what they're doing, so that you can account for it. Not because they have to do what you want to do too. It's not about having the same priorities, it's about accounting for each others. Actually, the differences are beautiful because they make you more whole. If we had the same exact thing, then we'd be the same person and we'd have more blind spots.

Agreed. Nick, I think it's obvious, but it feels worth stating that this is easier said than done. When we might interpret our partner's language or what they're doing or actions based on our perspective, and that can feel threatening. If I walk away in a difficult conversation, it means that I'm done, where the other person is like, I just don't want to say anything that's going to be out of a reaction. So this is the classic trying to understand why we're doing what we're doing, but that's not always immediate.

Yes, that's super true. I call that withdrawer and pursuer, or a lot of people call it that, I'm sure. With that, there's always one person that's putting forth more energy or effort into any one situation, and it's hard to know what exactly is going on. Because typically, the conflict is about surface-level things. And what I find and what I advise is to look at whatever argument you're having, and then try to go one level higher, try to look at it from a broader standpoint. That's really what priorities help you do. By digging up the priorities, you can really have a better understanding of what exactly is truly going on. It's important to have a positive listening filter instead of a negative listening filter. What I try to walk people through in Prioritize Us is, what questions to ask yourself, or conversation prompts. One of the things I'd encourage anyone to do is to just write down their top three priorities for themselves, ask their partners to do the same, and then just compare. It takes only a couple minutes, and you'll be very surprised at what you discover. When you find alignment, that's great. That becomes a pillar of your relationship and you can lean into that. When you find areas of misalignment, that just helps you prevent future conflict or identify why conflict is going on at the moment.

I think you do a really wonderful job of unpacking language and giving people real principles to work with to help slow this down, so that people can access the higher level. I often say deeper level, but they're both relevant. To really have this understanding so that they can be in a more collaborative stance. I think that, again, when this isn't happening or people's reactivity is fueling, because what really matters to us when we think about values, some people would argue we are most convicted around our values. That that is something that matters so, so deeply that will fuel a lot.

On an aside, I interviewed an attorney, I think a judge at one point, but really focusing on conflict resolution, and what he said often is precisely what I think you're guiding people to do, which is, people are discussing content or potentially their ideas or their thoughts or perspective, but perhaps not talking about why it matters. We can typically understand that even if we don't agree with the perspective or how they're choosing to operate, if we understand why it matters, then there typically can be a little bit more of this compassionate stance that you're inviting people. But when it feels so threatening and polarized, it can feel difficult to generate. But I think having this guidance, I think it can help lay the groundwork a bit.

It really can. When you take something like TDS, you get your score, you'll find out areas where you're misaligned. One of the things I would suggest doing is, if you find big misalignments, start with the alignments. Start with the areas where you know you overlap and talk about those things curiously, and find out if those are important for the same reasons, and get your base core in place that you have a foundation to build from in the conversation. Rather than just jumping in and saying: Wait, we're way different here, let's talk about that. Talk about why you're different, rather than wanting them to be the same thing.

Absolutely. Generating some of that goodwill and recognition of how partners are in the same place, aligned, and have each other's back and feel that sense of shared purpose, that can really offer a lot of that positivity to then move forward from.

Okay. Well, you're describing TDS, and I realize people probably do not know what you're referring to. Before we move forward, I also want to say, and I don't know what you would say, that sometimes people's previous past relational injuries or even attachment experiences, not feeling responded to, that can make approaching this goodwill positive space a little trickier. If they haven't had the lived experience around: Oh, I'm going to be responded to, or I'm going to be heard, or I am good enough, or you are with me, you're not going to just leave. Sometimes that can interact with this. But I do love what you're offering. But do you want to respond to that at all?

Yes, absolutely. Well, first let me address the Total Different Score and explain what that is, because you're right. So basically, you rank 10 core life priorities, 1 through 10, one being the highest, your number one priority, and 10 being the lowest, the least important thing to you. You and your partner do this. You can do it with any 10 priorities, whatever's most important to you. They just have to be the same. I offer 10 that I think cover most areas of life. So you compare them to each other. If I rank something my #1 priority and you rank it #3 priority, the difference between the two is a 2. So we identify the differences between all 10 priorities and we add those up, and it gives you a Total Different Score somewhere between 0 and 50. 0 is a perfect score, doesn't really happen in real life. The higher the score, the more likely you are to have areas of conflict, and the more misalignment you do have. The lower the score, the more likely you are to have communication successfully. But you're also more likely to have blind spots. So it's worth it to go over all your priorities together and find out the why, like you talked about.

Yes. Do you want to name some of those priorities for people listening?

Sure, absolutely. The 10 priorities that I identified are: career, communication, entertainment, finances, growth, health, relationships, safety, sex, and spirituality. So if you just write those 10 things down, you can rank them one through 10, compare them to your partners, get the Total Different Score, and you'll find out how aligned you are. It takes less than five minutes, but just taking the time to do it will help your relationship so much. It's a tool that you can reuse. It's meant to be checked in on. To deal with past traumas, one can ask themselves, when did I feel like this before and what were other times that I experienced this? By asking themselves these questions, they'll be able to learn more about the situation, and not maybe associated directly with their partner.

Recognizing perhaps there's a previous experience that might be getting activated or playing a part. If I remember correctly, you encourage people to do this individually first before discussing. Do you want to comment on that?

Yes, it's so important to identify your individual priorities. Because knowing what's important to you personally is critical to your positive momentum moving forward. So after you identify and rank your priorities, what I'd suggest to any individual do, even before comparing it to someone else's, is to look at the time you spend per week on each priority. This is going to let you know if your actions are in alignment with your intentions or not. That's always my goal for myself, for me and my wife, or for anyone that I work with, is far our actions to be in with our intentions. So if I say something is a high priority, but I'm not spending a lot of hours per week on it, is it really a high priority? If so, I need to make some adjustments.

The same thing is true with things that people say are low priorities. Often, people will rank entertainment in the bottom three, and then when they look at their hours per week, they might be spending four to six hours a day passively consuming content that they're not learning from, and not even necessarily stimulating them. It's more just habit. They're just swiping and scrolling or watching TV, not being particularly mindful about it. So it helps you check yourself and lets you know, am I doing what I want to be doing? You get that even before you share with your partner. Then when you share with your partner, it's even better. Because now you're learning what's important to them as well, after they've done the same process. Then you can also check in with each other regularly and say things like: Hey, I know you wanted to be working more on this, how much time are you spending on it? You can hold each other accountable in ways that are positive, and all you're doing is reinforcing what they said their priority is. It's not that we have the same priority, or that I'm trying to get you to do my priority, or what I think should be your priority. It's really being much more positive and influential into what the person holds most dear.

Yeah, with a real supportive stance, that I know this is important to you and how is that going? I have a client and he's been dating his now partner for a while. She's like, have you gotten on your cycles? He's a cyclist. Well, he's not professionally a cyclist, but he does it as one of his extracurricular type of things. She really encourages him, and it's something that is very much a part of his self-care and just feeling joy in life. So it is something he really appreciates when she needles or nudges him, in a really positive way. I also imagine that this individual assessment or checking in can really help around: am I living a life that's in authenticity or in alignment, or am I feeling an integrity with what matters most to me, and that satisfaction, that sense of fulfillment?

Because this is where whether or not people are talking about a quarter life crisis or a midlife crisis, they can look around and say, I've checked all these boxes, and yet I still feel a sense of disconnect or misalignment. So to really look at that. I had an old mentor that really recommended not only our calendar or reflecting on how much time we spent, but also, she would say checkbook at that time, but how we're spending or investing our money, that that is also another data point around what we're investing in.

Absolutely, how you're spending your money, how you're using your time. Basically, how you're dedicating your resources.

So unless you know what your own priorities are. They don't have to be mine, they don't have to be shared. But unless you know what yours are, you can't check yourself, and so you're making wishy-washy decisions all the time, and also making the same decisions over and over again, having the same thoughts over and over. Because you're not implementing any kind of predetermined decisions into your life, which you can easily do and free yourself from a lot of mental lag by just saying: Okay, I want to be spending this many hours on my career a week. I want to be spending this much time on my personal growth. I want to be spending this much time on my spirituality. Just knowing those kinds of things profoundly impacts your life.

Yes, absolutely. I recognize, for myself and for many people, sometimes when I have a priority and I am struggling to invest in that priority, there might be something going on there. That either I need some support, or I feel scared, or to your point, might have previous past experiences that interfere with my taking action. So you're giving me a yes. Tell me what your thoughts are there.

Absolutely, that's so dead on. Because it's a great way for people to ask for help without having to directly ask for it. This is important to me. This is important to you. You naturally are going to say, how can we support each other? Priorities will naturally shift between two partners as they find out what's important to the other person. So maybe initially growth is more important to one partner than the other. Once they see how important it is to the other partner, then once they understand why, they'll often adjust as well and say: Hmm, maybe I should be spending more time on that too.

That's really, I think, what you want most in all your close intimate relationships, is to uncover more about that person, to learn what's really going on, what makes them tick. How can we support each other? How can we make each other better? How can we create positive momentum together?

Yes, so it's a both and. I'm hearing the individual practice. I do believe the more aware or in touch with our priorities or values or our deeper parts or our higher level parts, that those conversations can perhaps be more focused and perhaps feel much more productive. Because we're not rooting around trying to figure it out as we're talking, or perhaps feeling big feelings but not knowing why. Also, when people are beginning this process of approaching these conversations with this positive, compassionate stance, if there is a past history of getting a little bit into conflict or perhaps differences. 

We're talking about differences, but I would even say some personality differences make negotiating even more complicated. I mean, if you have an extrovert and an introvert, sometimes the extrovert is going to be thinking out loud and taking up a little bit more airtime with words. Or one that feels more assertive and comfortable expressing themselves might dominate a little bit more. Not in the intention to be power over, but just by virtue of just how they express themselves. So having this individual practice, I think, really does support coming to the table with that understanding, and then being able to perhaps access this shared support and understanding of one another. What do you think?

Exactly. So much of the time, when I'm working with couples or even individuals, what I find is that there's two or three, sometimes even four or five areas of these priorities that I identified, that have not been discussed, that have barely been addressed in the history of their relationship. That might be normal-ish for people who are newly together. But this happens with people who have been together for decades. Like, sometimes they've never talked much about spirituality, sometimes they've hardly talked about sex. Never mind where should it be as a priority, how important is it to you, how important is it to me?

One couple that I've recently been working with, they live together, they're married. They're a blended family. They have two older children living at home. When they took the Prioritize Us test, one of them ranked sex as #3, and the other ranked sex as #10. So this could be a potential area of conflict for sure, because the partner that ranked it at #3 was horrified and couldn't believe that it was a #10 for the other partner. And what was so astute, I thought, of the partner that put a 10 down was, they said that this has nothing to do with quality or frequency. This has to do with whether or not it's a priority right now in my life.

Exactly, it might be that it's important, but just in the particular moment in time or phase, it might not rank as high given the other priorities. I do think this is really important when there can be this neutral, more regulated space to explore, again, that curiosity, that we're not interpreting: Oh, it means it doesn't matter, or we might judge the other person's behavior. You do a lot in your book to explain how perhaps a couple, one partner is really devoted on work, the other partner might feel neglected or not as important. But perhaps through the process, recognize that career is ranking very high, and perhaps that is because they're wanting to contribute to the stability of the family long-term. When those are made more visible, the other person can have a better understanding of how to hold that information, rather than the fear of neglect or not mattering, those type of things.

Yes, they can hold that information. That's so, so important. You have to make it visible before you can hold it. You have to know what you don't know before you can learn it. I think it's so important to sort of gently churn at things to make more visible. The sooner in your relationship you can do it, the better. Because you might find out we're too misaligned, these are core things that are actually values or beliefs that are not going to change over time, and maybe we need to part ways. Or we have a lot of differences and we need to work with a professional to work through this. That's so important too. When you have a high Total Difference Score and you're very misaligned, that's a great time to see a professional, whether that's a therapist or at least a coach. But the more severe it seems like your conflict, the higher up the tier professional you need.

Well, and it's also how much is getting activated, how much reaction, how much conflict that feels really disconnecting. People aren't repairing, and they're not able to get to a sense of understanding and how to work together moving forward in a productive way. Because, I mean, that's really what it's about. When you mentioned earlier, for partners that are really aligned, they maybe don't have to talk about anything. Maybe there's a lot of information that they would glean if they were talking, but they don't really have the need to talk. So perhaps it's great, but it also is not tested, where a couple that's having to have these deeper conversations. I'm not saying good, bad, right or wrong, it's just different. But one of the benefits of having these conversations is to have that deeper understanding, to be able to support each other around what this actually means and how to show up. 

Then also, there tends to be a greater level of, not a greater level of intimacy than the couple that maybe doesn't have to test this, but there's a sense of: we've worked through things, we've gone through challenges and we've overcome them, and we can trust and have that confidence that we have each other's back. That's a beautiful sensation, that even though we're different, we're in support of one another. That's so critical.

It's amazing and beautiful. When you've been through the worst together and you've survived, it's so incredible. When each partner has been at their low and the other partner has been there through it, then you know you can really count on someone. Then when you do have conflict or disagreement or whatever comes up, you know the other person's not going to permanently run away. They might withdraw, but that might be okay because you know they're not going anywhere.

Exactly. Also, that we don't have to be in that competitive mindset around negotiating, that my partner is for me. If we can be in that place of real visibility, then perhaps we don't need to compete. We can collaborate. 

So I have an example of this, I was reading your book, and I was like, oh right! I've shared this before. My husband and I were in a journey, and we were searching the US trying to find where we were actually going to land, for circumstances that I won't share right now. But it was a debacle, it was actually a pretty severe issue that was affecting us both, kind of tragic actually. It was toxic mold. But it spawned us on this whole journey. Anyway, we were living life, both working and also trying to explore. We were in Asheville, North Carolina, for four months, and we were debating on when to incorporate going to the coast. We wanted to check out Wilmington, and we also wanted to get a little bit of a break. So we're thinking, okay, like a weekend getaway. We were trying to figure out the timing of it. So we're at the breakfast table, and I'm noticing my husband is using language that seems a little critical of my ideas, and I felt myself getting a little defensive. Because stylistically, I tend to have a lot of ideas, and he tends to be more of the person that wants to be mindful of energy, being a little bit more simple. So there's value in both.

We were going back and forth, and thank goodness I had the wherewithal to wonder that there's something here that he's needing, but he's not necessarily telling me really explicitly. So I was querying him and I was recognizing, are you wanting less, like less is more? Are you wanting to have some time that feels a little bit more paced and simple? He's like: Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed, we've been traveling, and to try to fit this in amongst other things or then add all these other things. I was like, ah, I can get behind that. I didn't feel defensive and turning away. I now felt like absolutely I can support that, where for me, I was thinking fun adventure and exploring. So there's a way where we could perhaps support both needs. But if we didn't slow down to really see that, to the point of making it visible and to the point of showing up for one another, we could have easily gotten into a battle around why our perspective was right and gotten nowhere.

Yes, you could have gotten into this conflict over time. It was so self-aware and present of you to notice and to do something about it, because you are at different ends of the spectrum, and you put yourselves on the same team. That's so important.

We go through this cycle many times. I think the more we can be in the repetition of this, I think it's a little easier to access. But when we're operating in a different perspective, it's almost like a worldview. Even with our most intimate partner, it's sometimes hard to remember what their needs are, to keep it front and center. So sometimes this just needs a little bit more practice.

It is hard, and that practice I think is so important. I try to encourage and do in my relationship, small, medium, and large sort of check-ins. So a small check-in is a daily one, could be as little as five minutes, not more than 15. A medium one is like once a week. A large one is more like quarterly or once a year. So a small check-in that I would advocate doing is just five minutes or 15 minutes of quality time. Like, my wife and I, we do a beverage ritual in the morning. Whoever gets up easier makes the hot beverages, and then we just take 10 or 15 minutes. No devices, no screens, nothing. No inputs yet, so we're clean slate from the night before, and we can talk in a pure way just for a few minutes. That makes a huge difference. These little connection points and check-ins are so important.

We often say, what are your three big priorities today, or what three decisions do you have to make today? Can we talk about any decisions you have to make or what's most important to you? What is the one thing you want to get done? Just knowing that lets you understand why this person is doing everything they're doing. It gives you the ultimate context. So as they're behaving throughout the day, you're not thinking, why don't they want to spend quality time with me, why isn't communication important to them, why aren't they valuing our relationship? All these things, you could say no. She's just focused on her career today because there's this opportunity for a promotion in the near future, or because there's danger and she might lose her job in the near future. It could be anything for any reason.

Absolutely. I appreciate the specificity and even the language of priorities, and then perhaps being able to identify the 10. Because sometimes people, when asked, what do you want to do today or what do you want to create today? Sometimes it feels like such a nebulous big broad question that it's hard to get in touch with. So I think the priority and the languaging and the specificity to have reference, and really just do an inner check-in and then the couple check-in, I think it's helpful.

Thank you so much, that's wonderful feedback to get. You're so right in that when you have infinite options, it's very difficult to decide what to do. Where do you start? How do you narrow it down? How do you figure out your top picks? What do you rule out? Infinite options is a big problem in decision-making. I've spent decades helping people make high stakes decisions, like at the poker table or in their relationships, equally high stakes. I discovered that clarity and alignment are just as crucial in love as they are in strategy.

So people often pay attention to their finances, they pay attention to their health. But they don't measure the strength of their relationship beyond vague emotions. So I think of TDS as your relationship credit score. It instantly tells you how aligned you are, what's working, what needs improvement. The lower the score, the better your long-term outlook. The higher the score, the more you need to communicate now before it becomes a problem. I ask the question: would you make a major financial decision without checking your credit score or knowing how much money's in your bank account? The answer is always no. So why would you commit to a lifelong relationship without knowing how aligned you are?

Well, Nick, one of the things you're saying, I'm agreeing with you, and I'm also hearing that there's a lot of opportunity in being able to work together when there are differences. So what does that look like when people do work and support one another's differences? Does it still result? Let's just imagine there's a couple who had a pretty high TDS score, and then they learn how to collaborate and support each other, and they do it again, just ranking. Would it be different because now they're thinking: Oh, I'm thinking about my partner as I do my individual, or what would that look like and how does that fit with what you're saying?

That's a great question. So your rankings definitely change over time, and you want to frequently check in, especially if there's changes in life. But even when you have a low alignment score, a low TDS, you still want to check in. Because otherwise, priority drift will occur, and you won't know it. What happens with priority drift is, your priorities change gradually over time as things become increasingly or decreasingly important. Unless you check in, you don't know what's going on. It's easier sometimes to see priorities change when a major life event occurs, like a health issue or a career change or a new baby or something in your family structure. It's more easy to sort of be aware. Maybe you still don't check in because you aren't that aware or don't know that you can or how to. But you want to prevent priority drift when you're really aligned, and whenever major changes occur, you want to check in on your priorities.

I look at it as kind of an infinite game. So when people play finite games, there's a winner and a loser and there's an outcome. In an infinite game, it can be mutually beneficial, long-term sustainable, and multiple people can win. The objective is to keep playing the game. That's how it is with priorities. It's a tool that you use regularly, and you can change this list based on what's going on for you. So you start with these 10 core priorities, and then you realize that we have these three pillars, they're not likely to change, let's just hold onto those. Let's put three different ones here that are more important to us and are more changing at the moment that we want to check in on. So making your own top 10 lists is something that's so useful to do. Then you can just make it and share it with your partner and you can say, how would you rank these, what's important to you? So if you're sensing a potential conflict or even if you're in one, or you just know that you're misaligned in some way or just want to uncover more information, it's a really objective way to take the emotion out of the equation and focus on something that's more measurable, that's data-driven, that you can control. Just controlling the controllables.

Okay. So one way potentially you're suggesting this can be implemented is, if a couple is noticing that they're experiencing some tension or not on the same page, that perhaps they can pause and look at: Oh, what are our priorities here, can we get out what's happening as far as why this matters, and then perhaps have better understanding. So my question, just to clarify, if you're suggesting that people who are dating have a pretty high TDS score, that perhaps that might be something to look at. But for the couple that has a moderate to high TDS score, and also is able to work together to collaborate, so that they feel that they're able to support each other, they're able to get their needs met and they feel fulfilled, would you still suggest that that be a questionable relationship or would that lend towards something?

That lends itself to being a cooperative relationship. Often, middle scores can be very cooperative if the communication is good. When the communication is excellent with middle-ish TDS scores, say 20 to 35 or something like that, right in the middle, a lot of times couples can learn to really cooperate well and they can help each other with their blind spots. In general, I see TDS gradually improve over time, but not continuously. They kind of reach a happy equilibrium, where both people are sort of happy and understand each other's priorities and understand their own and account for them, when they're in this cooperative stage.

So when people communicate well, they find more areas of overlap and can account for the other person's priorities.

Absolutely. To your point, sometimes that equilibrium can be challenged by life events. We purchased a home, our first home, in coastal California. That's a pretty big investment, and we stretched to do it, and it actually evoked, I think one of our differences, in that my husband's need for real financial security was rattled. So it's been a lot for us to really help build more comfort in how we work together. But I think that ultimately, it's a good thing, because it's asking us to work together in areas that we did, but this is asking us to do it in a much more intentional, deep way.

Wonderful. Well, is there anything you wanted to say that we haven't gotten to, as we wind down here?

People don't need vague advice. They need a structured, measurable system that shows real progress, and Prioritize Us and the Total Different Score helps you do that. My journey with my wife taught me that when priorities are clear, relationships thrive, even during the most difficult circumstances.

Yeah, thank you. Just going back to your story, you mentioned being friends. Were you friends with the intention that you cared about one another and you were seeking to have more?

So we worked together for about a decade and were friends during that period, and we were so close that the mental health issues warranted additional help and support. So we both took a leave of absence, and throughout that time, we ended up together.

Wow. I mean, some that are listening might even wonder, that might have asked you to deprioritize some of your individual priorities to really show up for your now wife. What would you say?

Yes. I would say that both of us intentionally deprioritized our career to focus on health and safety as being the most important things. Because without that as a base and a foundation to work from, you really can't do much in life. Your mental health and your physical health are just critical to everything. If you neglect them too much, then you can end up in situations that are very difficult to recover from.

Yes, absolutely. Health and safety are so primary. All right, wonderful! Well, thank you so much. You've mentioned the book. Would you name the title and where they can get it?

Absolutely. You can get my book, Prioritize Us, on Amazon. If you act now, you can go to my website, NickBrancato.com, and for a limited time, you can get the e-book absolutely free.

Oh, that's generous.

Yes, I just want to help as many couples as I possibly can, improve their lives. Also, you can follow me on Instagram @PersonalDevCoach.

Okay, I'll make sure to put those links on today's show notes.

Thank you so much for having me here. I loved talking with you, and we had a great conversation. I really appreciate it.