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About this episode

Many couples find themselves caught in unproductive loops of reactivity, defensiveness, and miscommunication, often rooted in old patterns and unhealed wounds. If you’ve ever felt stuck repeating the same arguments, or struggled to respond with empathy instead of reacting on autopilot, you’re not alone. Conflict doesn’t have to drive you and your partner apart. In fact, the way you handle disagreements might be the very thing that brings you closer together or pushes you further away.

In this episode, you’ll discover practical strategies for staying close through conflict by learning to respond rather than react. You’ll hear about how early family dynamics shape our adult responses, why curiosity can be a game-changer, and why true empathy starts with self-compassion. Through insightful metaphors like comparing relationships to yoga practice or learning to slow down a speeding car—you’ll find tools to recognize when you’re becoming triggered, regulate your emotions, and open space for meaningful, connected conversations. Whether your relationship is feeling the strain of busy daily life or you simply want to deepen your ability to navigate challenges together, this episode offers actionable guidance for building lasting intimacy through the most difficult moments.

Alyssa Scarano, LPC, NCC, is the Founder and Clinical Director of The Collective Therapy & Wellness. Known for her empathetic and compassionate approach, Alyssa views her work as a profound privilege—an opportunity to be invited into the most intimate and vulnerable parts of her clients’ lives. Specializing in relationships, she is dedicated to helping individuals heal from childhood trauma, break generational patterns, and cultivate meaningful, authentic connections with others by first supporting them in fostering self-compassion.

Episode Highlights

07:24 How family of origin shapes our conflict responses.

10:51 Understanding childhood defense mechanisms’ lasting impact in relationships.

11:52 Adaptive responses and personal growth.

15:25 Mindful resilience through yoga.

19:35 Impact of stress and daily life on relationship dynamics.

24:06 Mapping family history and trigger awareness in couples work.

28:51 Healing challenges and emotional triggers.

32:40 Relationship dynamics and challenges.

38:55 Managing emotions and setting boundaries when one partner does more emotional work.

41:43 Slowing down reactivity: practical tools for emotional awareness.

46:16 Concrete steps for repair and connection after conflict.

Your Check List of Actions to Take

• Practice grounding techniques: When feeling stressed or triggered, take a few deep breaths, ground yourself by feeling your body or placing your hand on your chest to become more present.
• Shift into Curiosity: In moments of conflict, try to replace judgment and blame with curiosity about your own and your partner's reactions.
• Explore your family of origin: Reflect on how patterns from your upbringing influence your current relationship dynamics, especially during conflict.
• Acknowledge protective behaviors like emotional withdrawal or people-pleasing and understand their origins rather than immediately judging them.
• Slow down during conflict: If you notice yourself becoming reactive, intentionally pause or take a break before responding, letting both partners calm down.
• Use somatic awareness: Notice the physical sensations in your body during difficult interactions; if needed, use movement, deep breathing, or other activities to lower your stress level.
• When returning to a tough conversation, start by asking “Help me understand…” to promote empathy and avoid assumptions.
• When feeling triggered or hurt, validate your own experience and needs, rather than only waiting for your partner’s empathy.

Mentioned

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

Connect with Alyssa Scarano

Websites: collective-therapy.com

Facebook: facebook.com/collective.therapy.wellness

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Episode Transcript

Alyssa, thank you for joining us.

Yeah. Thank you so much, Jessica, for having me.

Yeah. This is a topic I am sure we're going to feel, hopefully, some connection around, given that curiosity and empathy is something that I think is so useful and I tend to emphasize. For people who are just getting to know you, what would you like to share about you, where you're coming from as you support couples negotiating triggers that might get activated in relationship and how to respond with more empathy? It's a beautiful thing. I think most people could say: Yes, I want to do that. Then in the moment, it might be a little bit more difficult to access. So where would you like to start as far as where you're coming from?

Yeah. So in terms of my work with relationships, it really started, I would say, back in postgraduate training. It's funny, when I was in grad school, I'd said: I'm never going to do family therapy, I'm never going to do it. Then my first job right out the gate was working with families, and I was terrified. I was like, I don't think I could do this. It wound up being the best experience for my career and for my practice and the way that I work with people. Because you're never just working with one person as they are, you're always working with the family dynamic, the family of origin.

Then, what I've noticed in working with couples and working with adults now is, the family of origin stuff is still very much present and often can be recreated, whether that's unconsciously or even just in the partner that we choose, really. So how do we break that pattern without it actually just repeating and we don't notice it? How do we get curious with ourselves and one another, so that defense mechanisms aren't at play, interfering with the way that we're communicating or relating to each other?

The number one way that I think looking at all of this, is a matter of shifting into curiosity. Even with myself, I'm very much into yoga. That's just for my personal practice. The way that I've gone through life is using curiosity with myself from more of an active witnessing type of way, like noticing what's coming up for me on my yoga mat and what is that telling me about myself and what I need, and how does that even show up in my life off of a yoga mat? So I take that philosophy when I'm working with clients, when I'm looking at myself, and when I'm looking at my own relationships. But even when I'm working with clients, it's like, what if we shifted into a lens of like: Huh, that's interesting. Rather than judgment or blame or comparison or generalization. What I've found is that it's really helpful. Then also, how is family of origin showing up?

Yes. I know what you mean, but do you want to explain that a little bit more for someone listening that might not know what you're referring to, as far as in adult life and romantic relationship, how family of origin, how that shows up?

Absolutely. So very much the way that we learn about ourselves, and I'm sure you know this too, is we get these understandings or belief systems about ourselves based upon our experiences throughout our life.

So the other aspect of things is, we learn about gender roles or family roles based upon the way that mom or dad or whomever was caring for us, what shoes they filled or what responsibilities they filled within the family of origin. Those things can actually really creep up on us, especially as we build families of our own and we become parents. So when we're talking about how family of origin shows up, some of our defense mechanisms that often lead to miscommunication or conflict are really from the ways that we have learned to protect ourselves during times of perceived threat or stress, which is conflict.

Yes. You're speaking my language as far as all the early learnings, how the attachment system is just orienting and understanding relational dynamics. When you talk about protection, do you want to say a little bit more? I mean, I have an understanding, but I would love to hear from you, how someone might utilize those protective strategies, what that might look like in relationship, without even their conscious intention.

Yeah. So in terms of defense mechanisms, maybe that's a matter of emotional suppression, or curling inward, or making yourself smaller, so that you start to diminish or minimize your own needs, because that was learned. I had to do that growing up. If I had my emotions, I would get punished. Or if I made myself visible during times of conflict, then all of a sudden, I'd be pulled into this conflict to some degree, and I wouldn't know what to do. That was really scary. You put yourself back into a little kid's shoes or a child's shoes, and what that must feel like to see mom and dad fighting, or a parent leave. Or even just certain conflict at home growing up, how powerless you might feel. So without even realizing it, subconsciously, we develop these ways of protecting ourselves. There's so much actual respect I have for those early defense mechanisms. Because wow, as much as it's not helping us now, back then, thank goodness! Thank goodness some part of you subconsciously developed this way to protect yourself. So I have so much respect for those mechanisms. But they often can just contribute to ongoing struggle in our relationships as we get older.

Absolutely. I know many people refer to them as adaptive at the time, like they were actually a healthy response, as you say, to get through those circumstances or to be able to negotiate that with some buoyancy or just surviving, if you will. Perhaps they have certain side effects in current day, or maybe not as needed anymore or outdated, and we can uplevel them. Often, our system hasn't necessarily had that opportunity to do the work to learn or help that part develop further. Often, it's easy to want to push away those painful ways in which we weren't responded to, or we had to be small, or protect ourselves from those threats. We prefer to not think about them consciously.

So as you said earlier, and I so appreciate just your weaving in the yoga practice. I also am a practicer as well, and I very much appreciate all the learnings. I will say, I'm currently going to the studio, and the timing, I find myself in these sculpt classes, which doesn't give me the experience that you're referring to. I very much am like, when I come to the mat, I'm like: Oh, hello! Just being present with myself and just really in that more observant, connected place.

One of the things that really strikes me is the opportunity to slow down. Perhaps even just this wondering, this shifting with curiosity, and a bit more choice perhaps to not just be in this habitual reactivity. But perhaps just to slow it down and just wonder before even making a choice around: what does this mean, what's the story I'm telling myself, how am I going to respond to this or react to this? Tell me, does that fit with what you're saying?

Yes. I love talking about this, Jessica. So if we're using yoga as a metaphor for life—because it really could be—when we are in these moments of struggle or the unfamiliar or uncertainty, because maybe I've not taken this class before, or it's a little different from what I'm used to when I come to yoga. I mean, that's not that far off from daily life. We have these expectations or sense of predictability of what the day's going to bring or what our partner's going to bring to the table. But what about when it doesn't show up that exact way, or what about when all of a sudden this moment or this interaction with my boss or somebody in my circle, I don't know how to handle it. It's really challenging. It's bringing up a lot for me.

I mean, yoga does actually puts us in those physical, sometimes really uncomfortable positions, physically. It's quite interesting when you think about pattern-wise, where does your mind go? Where does my mind go when I'm in this maybe really uncomfortable physical position? Am I thinking about what I need to cook for dinner later? Am I thinking about how I handled something earlier in the day? Now next thing I know, I'm thinking about the last 12 years of my life. Wow, when I'm faced with struggle or challenge, I'm not present. I'm either focused on something that happened in the past or something that hasn't even happened yet. But I'm missing out on the moment right now where I get to choose something different. Maybe I pull back from this pose. Maybe I take a pause and I get re-centered so that I can catch my breath, and I tell myself something kind. Or perhaps I dig in a little bit more and I engage my muscles and I focus on my breath and I realize: Wow, I'm actually really capable of doing this hard thing that I thought I wasn't.

That physical practice actually rewires the brain, like: Okay, well if I could handle doing that, really that thing I never knew I could do, well maybe I can handle this tough interaction with my boss. Maybe I can do that too, and I can breathe through it, and I can press my feet down into the ground, and it'll be okay. Because I survived that really hard yoga class. So getting curious with yourself, using what's showing up to make a decision of how do I want to respond? We are really always in that place of getting to decide. We always have a choice of how we want to respond.

I'm really appreciating this metaphor because it feels really practical, as well as touching in on a lot of principles that can be very, very supportive. Especially in intimate relating when things are moving so, so quickly, if we're looking at just daily living or negotiating domestic life or careers and all the things. One of the things that occurs to me, Alyssa, even as you're talking, I'll raise my hand that I sometimes do this—I don't love it, but it happens—where my husband and I are interacting almost parallel. Like, this morning, he's finishing breakfast, I was getting myself situated, and we're sharing space and we're doing our respective tasks. We're talking, but we're not really that present with one another. Sometimes it's not as meaningful, or sometimes it does go sideways. Because we're in this particular phase right now that is very stressful. So I'm like, oh wow.

Even that, I think that's very common, that people expect their relationship to sustain or be in this place of resource. Yet, if we're not necessarily as present, then maybe that choice, we might find ourselves hooked into something that maybe we weren't as present to. I don't know if you have a response to that, but it does seem. Because if I come to my mat, I'm there to be intentional. I'm there to be present. I'm very much watching and noticing and feeling the intersection between where it feels challenging, where I feel my breath, where I feel like I might be able to stay, or where I can take care of myself. If I'm not that intentional, I might catch myself in a bit of off balance or in a place to push or even reacting.

Well, yeah. I think that's what it is when we are in moments of stress. So if I'm sticking with that yoga reference, and I realize that might not be an accessible metaphor for someone who maybe has never done yoga before. But even if you've exercised, so we can even just branch out of any sort of exercise or physical activity. This is challenging. There's a whole narrative sometimes that comes up, or a reflex of like: I can't do that, let me stop. With that, we're being challenged. Your eyes may start darting around the room, or your mind might go somewhere other than where we're present.

So when you are thinking about, if your relationship is kind of going through a stressful season—the life demands are pulling at you, at your resources, and now you're operating from a narrower window of tolerance for just stuff, in the moment—then you're going to be operating from your own sense of like, your eyes darting around the room, and I've got to do this and I've got to do that. Then we're not necessarily seeing or hearing our partner. That's where I see, often in the work that I do with my couples, that when we're not being intentional and listening and making the time to have these conversations face-to-face that are on purpose, we're going to miss the mark with each other, and we're going to tend to get into assumption and reactivity and guard going up. That now I can't hear you even if I wanted to, now I'm just thinking that this is how you meant it, because that's what I've always experienced in these interactions with people.

Well, globally, yes. I mean, for interactions where things aren't as attentive, then we can notice or misread the cues. One thing that occurs to me is we have two individuals that are having their experience. If we're in a place of that interpreting or perceiving from what might be stories or previous expectations based on our learnings, the miscommunication and the missing in one another, that that is ripe for perhaps reactions or people's protective strategies to kick in.

Yeah. If you think about it, if you are doing something, getting yourself situated, and your husband is in another room getting things together in his own world, you're having a conversation, I'm just imagining this is what happened. You're having a conversation from different sides of the house or different rooms. How are you really going to hear each other? You're not. Because your eyes are darting around whatever it is that you're focused on, and so are his.

The attention is very divided, yeah.

Yes, and then defense mechanisms can sometimes go up. Not saying that's what happened for you, but I'm just saying that's a visual representation of what I often see.

Yeah, absolutely. So when things are moving quickly or people are expecting their interactions to go relatively smoothly, when maybe they don't have the capacity or the availability to be as attentive. Because I mean, that's part of the practice for people who do do yoga. It's being in the practice of it and then trying to implement that more and more into one's life. But for most people, it's a continual practice, and it's not about being a 100%. There's times where we're on and attentive, and times where we're maybe not. So what do you help people understand as far as when things do go sideways or reactivity does show up? Because as you said, people have different ways of defending themselves or protecting themselves, and there's a relational dynamic. So one of the things that I think is further complicating this is, you have both individuals, and then you have the relational system, as you said, that has its own quality to it. So there's a lot of moving parts.

Yeah. Jessica, it's a great question, and I think it shows the complexity of what we do as therapists that work very relationally, or even just with couples or families. There's so much happening up here, and in here for us as we're listening to these things. I say that to acknowledge that if that's what we're feeling in an hour with you, once a week or once a month or every two weeks, that's your life. Like, that's how much is happening at all times. Family of origin stuff, protective mechanisms, the dynamic or behavior pattern between you and your partner that's been reinforced for however long you've been in a relationship, and then just patterns of communication and how we resolve things, on top of just daily living stress. There's so much.

So the way that I do it, at least when I'm working with couples is, the first few sessions, we do a lot of family of origin stuff, to identify what are the vulnerabilities here that we're going to have less of a window of tolerance for and more reactivity for. What are my own unhealed, unresolved parts from my past? But also, I do that actually, believe it or not, with the partner present. So I'll do the individual work with one partner. We actually draw a genogram, a family map of what your experience was throughout your life, and the other partner is listening. Then, thinking about one of the questions I'll ask them is like, what did you learn that you didn't necessarily know about your partner previously, even though you've maybe been in a relationship for quite some time? But also, is it possible, when you think about your relationship, how might you be triggering one another?

So I guess I say all of that as like, the first step, whether it's in therapy or not, is thinking about why is this thing that we keep encountering sticking to me so much. Because I'm bringing my own stuff to this relationship, and so is my partner. So then for the partner, same thing. What about this is sticking to me so much? Because unless there's something sticky there to begin with, nothing's going to stick to you. So why is this so upsetting for me? Why do I go from 50 to a 100, or 0 to a 100 with this thing? Then from there, I think it is a matter of being able to recognize when things are speeding up for me, when am I starting to get a little bit dysregulated or this starts to feel chaotic internally?

Even if you already cross that line where you're starting to feel a sense of reactivity, catching that, noticing that. It might be like, I need to re-center, or I need to take a break, or we should take a break because this isn't going in a great direction. We might miss each other. This isn't a you thing. This is just like, let's come back to this when we're both calm, and then there's some regulation that gets done, hopefully. Then we come back to it with a little bit more of a sense of calmness. Framing that from a place of like: Okay, I'm curious what's happening for you here in our interaction, and let me try and understand. Rather than focus on being right, let me understand what's happening. Can you invite me into that? Can I invite you into what's happening for me? Because perhaps we're not that far off from each other, or perhaps we just really completely missed the mark and we're having two completely different conversations. So there's a lot of individual work, I'm sure you've seen too, that goes into relationship functioning in and of itself. It does require that self-reflection to get through to.

Absolutely. I very much echo how important it can be for connection and intimacy, to have the visibility to the vulnerability of the learning, as you talk about just early in life, for the partner. Because they might know it factually or they might know stories, and maybe even had empathy or understanding. But to see it in this bigger picture of like: Oh, this is the experience, or this is the takeaway, this is the learning. It often can have a profound impact around like: Oh okay, I get it differently now, or I understand how this lives in my significant other, or how this lives in my partner, or how it lives in me. That wow, this was such a frequent occurrence, and how I learned to respond or adapt to that, and how that still shows up for me today.

So thank you for helping people orient around that work and the opportunity. One thing that strikes me, Alyssa, as we're talking, just as I'm sharing my own personal experience here, is the practice of this. I think people think, and I've heard people say this, or just the hope or the expectation that if I have this awareness, if I do these deeper dives, know my core attachment needs or wounds or longings, that that liberates me from having to negotiate this point of having a reaction, or how I am being empathetic to self and other. In my experiences, it is an over and over. Because life is not static. We're presented with challenges. As we grow and stretch, we're going to feel the rattle of that. Then, perhaps each person is having their own experience, and then again relationally. What would you say to that? Because I just feel like this is an over and over and over thing.

Yeah. Well, because I think what happens is like: Okay, I learned this really hard thing about myself, so I'm healed, I'm good. But I think that's still a matter of like, I don't want to feel it though. So every time it gets rubbed up against or something sticks to that, there's an aspect of like: I know it, so why is it still bothering me? Or it shouldn't still bother me. Or great, I know this really hard thing, I don't need to feel it still. But that's the truth of it, is that wound, at times, especially when we are our resources for taking care of ourselves, or just the sense of ease in our life is just really being challenged because there's so much happening, we're going to be a little bit more raw to that trigger or to that wound that maybe normally is a little bit more healed at times.

So when it gets rubbed up against, even though we have that awareness, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean we don't sometimes revert back to our childhood self that didn't have a chance to feel that thing, because it was bad. That's where the defense mechanism comes up, is: That feeling I had was wrong, I was wrong, I was bad for feeling it. When in reality, it's like: No, you weren't, and you still aren't bad for feeling that way. Allow yourself to feel that way. If you feel that way, feel that way.

That: Oh, my partner is evil. I think it depends on the dynamic to be able to say what's evil or unhealthy. Long story short, I think that just because we learn these things about ourselves doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when we rub up against it.

Absolutely. For people that have said, like you're saying: I have insight or I've done work around this or I've processed this, how come it still shows up? Or the expectation that our partner having had the insight or the ability to process some of it won't rub up against it again. I think just to this point of curiosity and compassion, it's like: Oh hello, there you are. That could be like, there's a place that this is coming up again in me, and again, the opportunity. I'm just struck by how much we're going to have the opportunity, and to your point, depending on the season or how resourced we are, how stressed we are, we will feel different levels or degrees of it, even with a lot of healing and growth and metabolizing.

Yeah. Really, truthfully, I don't know that I even take the stance. I think it's important to say here that even though it comes up again at times, it doesn't mean that negative belief system of like: Oh, I'm just always going to be unhealed on this, or I am damaged. No, it means you're having your feelings. It means you're finally accessing feelings that you weren't allowed to access previously, and you're human and we can't shut those feelings off. So something happened that reminded you of an experience you had when you were a kid, where you couldn't have those feelings, or it was bad to have feelings, and now you're allowing yourself to have your feelings, and here we go. So it doesn't mean that you're damaged or flawed or just traumatized forever. It's just you're having feelings now.

Absolutely. I wonder if we can pivot towards dynamics, as you mentioned, and then how this can have its history, even in the relationship for people who have been together for a period of time. I know that sometimes given how people operate, one person can be a little bit more of the attentive one or the one that's a bit more compassionate. Or I'm thinking of clients where maybe one's a little bit more avoidant or one's a little bit more even of the pursuer, if we're going to really talk about that dynamic. But one that's a little bit more attentive and can hold this empathy and this compassion. But talk to us a little bit about it, because some of the things that I know people feel challenged by are: when one person's really attempting to do the work, and the other one is willing to do the work to certain levels, but maybe not to the partner's level. That sometimes it does mean, okay, let's work with that. That if your partner is reacting, and what that feels like for you if you're experiencing that level of reaction, how to work with that.

Or I have a client who he's just running up to a place of like, she will not empathize with me. I will, in a million different ways, help her in this compassionate, empathetic, try to field the ball with her, and she just is not interested in doing the emotional relating. Or one that feels a little bit of the compassion fatigue over the history, one that maybe is doing a little bit more of the emotional load. I'm just curious what you would say here. I mean, I have my own ideas.

Yeah, I'd love to hear yours too. I know I'm here to talk today, but I would love to hear.

No, I want to totally hear your voice here.

Yeah. Because that in and of itself, it shows up in a bunch of different ways. I know when I'll get a phone call or an outreach and it's like, I really want to do couples' counseling, but my partner's not into it. So it shows up in that way. Or how do I resolve this conflict with my spouse or my partner when they're just not willing to go there? I mean, it shows up even in that regard. Or we're both going through this really hard thing, but I'm alone in it because we can't talk about it together. So I see it in a bunch of different manifestations, for sure.

I think it's a matter of, I always go back to, in those cases, the individual basis. Well, that's sending off alarm bells and defense mechanisms right off the bat. Now I'm in maybe self-preservation mode or hypervigilance or hyper-independence now within my relationship, or I need to fix it, I need to fix it. What can we do? What kind of healing can we do individually? Or how can you take care of yourself individually, so that when you are being met with that, right there, trigger of: I'm not heard, I'm not seen, this isn't important to you, or as important to you, and now I have to carry it alone. When we're met with that, how can we respond in a way that's going to be helpful? Maybe it is a matter of being more assertive or being more direct in communication, or setting a boundary, or even just delegating instead of just taking it on all yourself. Maybe it is a matter of: I have this need that's going unmet right here that maybe went unmet when I was a kid too. I don't have to rely on my partner for that need to be fulfilled. How can I fulfill it myself so that I feel heard? Maybe it's self-validation. So I think whenever that happens, focusing your attention on what's happening within you and what control you have or can contribute to this dynamic.

Yes. As I was preparing some of the questions or talking points, so often people associate empathy for what we might offer another. One of the things I understand about what you're even speaking to now, is this empathy for self. That often, when we're looking for a different experience in relationship, whether or not Partner A is reacting and it doesn't feel appropriate or helpful, that Partner B likely is having an experience. Can there be an opportunity to really have inquiry and show up for what Partner B is feeling? Even if qualitatively, we might be able to say, I would prefer that not to happen and maybe the other partner can agree in a more regulated state. Yet, we can't control it, to your point. So how do we care for those parts? How do we really show up for what we're needing? There could be a lot of room there, way more room than we would initially think. Is that what I'm hearing?

Yes, absolutely. Because how many conversations do we all sometimes just go into thinking like: I don't want to upset them, I don't want to make it worse, I don't want them to be upset with me or the situation. I want to take this feeling from them or prevent this feeling from them. But we don't have control over that ever. So how can I take care of myself throughout that conversation, or before I have that conversation, or even after I have that conversation? Because for me, it's hard to have. I need internally, from my soul, from my gut, I need to say this thing.

Yeah, so it's both what we're saying, and also where we're setting limits too. So for one that maybe is experiencing their partner express frustration or anger in ways that feels triggering to the other, instead of trying to control their partner to not display anger or have a reaction or outburst, how do I take care of my space myself to negotiate that? Maybe perhaps we can have conversations around what we're working towards, how we work together when there's a challenge. And also, we can't control the other. And how do we take care of self? Again, I'm struck by just the practice of this. For some, I don't know what you would say, that if there is so much clarity and ability to take care of self and do the individual work, there might come a time where one might evaluate the relationship. But I do think there's so much range before that even gets broached. What would you say?

No, I would agree. I think when we go right to like, I'm done, or running, that right there is a stress response, fight or flight at bare basic bones. It's like, well, then I'm not really giving my partner a chance. And the other piece of that is, I'm not giving my partner a chance to really see me, and I'm also not giving myself the chance to really be seen. To really be seen. Not just surface level, but down into what it is that I am experiencing. So I don't always know that right away, I think it depends.

Totally, that's what I'm saying. There's so much room if we slow down and really look at, to your point, around what's the vulnerability here for me, that there's a lot of opportunity to care for that. I don't know that this is always accessible in a reactive moment, when we look at the opportunity to have these softer conversations, more vulnerable conversations. What would you say?

Yeah, no. As we're sitting here, I'm getting a visual of something that I often tell my clients. Relationships are a dance. Sure, you're dancing with your partner. You're doing something, they're doing another thing. That's just the bare bones of a dance. But in order for you to even be on the dance floor with somebody and be moving your body along with theirs to a rhythm of a song, there's so much internally happening for you individually that has to happen—in order to shift your weight, in order to move your left foot from your right foot, or your shoulders, or whatever the case may be.

Now if we're taking that metaphor, that thing that you're saying about like, if this is moving you from a really reactive manner. Imagine that you're speed dancing. As we're speed dancing or just spinning, how are we going to be telling them: Hey, my foot hurts. Hey, you're stepping on my toe. Things are moving so fast, there's not going to be a chance for that. So I think that's where the aspect of slowing down comes. I know I've used another metaphor of like, if you're in a speeding car, it's going to be really hard to just stop and come to a complete stop. It's more a matter of noticing when the car is speeding up, and am I still driving the car, or is the car driving itself? Because then there's going to be no opportunity to just slow down at the red light. What are my indications of, I'm starting to speed up? Where's my yellow light?

Where's my yellow light? I love that. In somatic psychology, they often use the traffic light analogy as a reflective tool of like, am I in that green where I feel relaxed and I feel able to breathe and at ease? Or do I start to feel tense in the yellow or the amber, and then red as that fight or flight? So I love just the visual, and I think most people have experienced being in a fast vehicle, and we can feel some of that tension, and it's difficult to totally know or have the emotional awareness around all the things we're feeling. Because we're kind of holding on.

Right, and we all know what that feels like in that pit of the belly. Like, whoa! That tenseness that shows up, and we don't give it the same regard, but it shows up in conflicts, it shows up in our loving relationships. So treating it the same way with the same respect of like: I'm really scared right now. There's nothing wrong with having that curiosity inwardly in those dynamics, and then also having empathy for yourself. Then, what is this feeling like for my partner?

Yeah, that's the interesting thing. I think most people, if they would pause to even ask the question of like: I want to approach my partner, what am I after here? Am I genuinely wanting to be curious? Do I genuinely want to have deeper understanding? Or I want to prove my point? Or I'm really wanting to feel heard? Or I'm feeling unjustified or some injustice and want to clear it or get repair? It's interesting, if we can pause, to even know where we're coming from and what the intention is.

Yes. Then you think about too, how long has this car been speeding for? That might be where there's urgency to maybe be more reactive to match you. Or like, I feel really hurt, and I have nothing else in my box of tools to do anything but match you. Or I feel so wronged, like you said. So if you've been in this speeding car for a very long time, that's part of why this is so reactive in the moment.

Yes. Well, I know we're winding down. Do you want to speak to any practical tools, as you talk about a toolkit or tool bag, that people can start to utilize to build more of this emotional awareness, to start accessing some of what we're describing here?

Yeah. I guess the first thing is, everything that we experience begins within. Every single thing. We've got our own little, I call them goggles, that we're looking at life through. Those goggles have filters of everything that we've experienced before. So when we're looking at something happening right now, we're looking at it sometimes really through the things we've experienced, our memories, things that are unresolved.

Then I think another way of looking at this is getting to know what are the signs that I'm escalating internally? What are my indications of a yellow light that this is building? That would be, I need to slow down. Before the car starts speeding, I need to slow down. Maybe it's a matter of, I need a break. You might have a partner who's like: No, no, no, we're going to talk about this now. It's a matter of letting them know, this isn't about you. We can circle back in an hour or two hours, but definitely before tomorrow, definitely before we go to sleep. I just need a break. When you take that break, it is very important that we're not just putting it on a shelf or behind a door under the rug. That break is a very active break. That's where you're doing that curiosity, that's where you're taking care of yourself, and that's where we're slowing down the vehicle and being able to come back.

So how do we do that is the next question. Somatically, whatever it is that lowers your heart rate, brings you back to center. So maybe it is going for a walk. Maybe it's moving away from all of the stimulation. Maybe it's even just shifting your focus. So it's a matter of how it's manifesting for you. If it's manifesting a lot in your thoughts, well, I'm not really connected to my body. If it's really manifesting in the physical form in terms of bodily sensations, how can I release some of that tension? How can I slow down my heart rate? That's going to look different, I think, for everybody.

Then the third one is approaching your partner now with curiosity. Tell me what it is that maybe you were trying to tell me before, and here's something I need to tell you. Or, help me understand is my favorite way. Help me understand. This is what I thought you meant, but maybe that's not what you meant. Help me understand. I want to get you.

Yes, what wasn't visible or what I might've misperceived. Tell me more, let me hear you here. I love it.

Beautiful. Well, Alyssa, thank you so much for everything you've shared with us here today. What would you like to invite people to turn towards or connect with to learn more about what you have to offer?

My practice is The Collective Therapy and Wellness. We're a virtual mental health practice. We're multi-state, so we service clients located in Florida, Missouri, New Jersey, New York, and Texas. One of the really great things about us is that we actually offer virtual wellness opportunities in the forms of groups, classes, workshops, and then even just some one-to-one programming. All of our wellness services are run by people who are trained in their respective wellness fields. 

We also incorporate more of that integrative, holistic approach with current clients. So if you're a current client, you get access to all of our wellness programming. Maybe not the one-to-one always, but a lot of our wellness programming, at no additional cost. Because we want to see the whole person, the whole you. We want to work with the whole you rather than just a compartmentalized version. So if you're interested in finding out more about us, we are on Facebook, The Collective Therapy and Wellness. We're on Instagram. You can visit us online at www.collective-therapy.com.

Wonderful! I'll make sure to have the links on today's show notes. Thank you so much. It sounds like really beautiful work and such great resource for people that you're serving. I'll make sure to, again, make that easily accessible.

Thank you, Jessica, for having me today.