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There’s a silent struggle that many couples face—issues of pain, discomfort, or disconnection in intimate life that go unspoken and unattended. For so long, pelvic floor challenges have been seen as private burdens to bear alone, surrounded by stigma or confusion about where to turn for help. But what if we viewed these not as individual problems, but as shared matters that impact the whole relationship? Could a better understanding and open conversation actually transform your intimacy and emotional connection?

In this episode, you’ll discover how pelvic floor health influences pleasure, pain, and intimacy—and why these challenges are best faced together, not solo. Drawing from expert insights and practical guidance, you’ll learn how increased awareness and communication can bridge the gap between partners, foster support and compassion, and empower you with tools for healing. Whether you’re struggling silently or simply want to deepen trust and connection, this conversation offers actionable steps and hope for anyone ready to turn hidden struggle into shared strength.

Since 2007, Dr. Sara Reardon has been caring for people’s pelvic floors as a board-certified pelvic floor physical therapist. She is the Founder of The V-Hive, an online pelvic floor workout platform for pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, painful sex, and pelvic floor strengthening. As The Vagina Whisperer on Instagram and TikTok, she has hundreds of thousands of followers. She is the author of FLOORED: A Woman’s Guide to Pelvic Floor Health at Every Age and Stage.

Episode Highlights

03:53 Understanding pelvic floor anatomy and its impact on intimacy.

07:50 Breaking stigma and introducing pelvic health conversations.

09:37 The role of partners and destigmatizing pelvic floor challenges.

14:47 Exploring pelvic floor dysfunction: Causes and effects on relationships.

18:56 Pelvic floor health and sexual pleasure.

21:16 Exploring arousal: Physical and emotional components.

23:13 Daily habits and exercises for intimate health.

28:26 Tools, devices, and progression in pelvic floor therapy.

36:35 Debunking myths: Arousal, climax, and individual differences.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

• Learn about your pelvic floor anatomy to understand how it affects day-to-day functions and intimacy.
• Openly discuss pelvic health and intimacy challenges with your partner to reduce shame and foster teamwork.
• Attend pelvic floor therapy sessions together when possible for shared education and support.
• Practice mindful urination and bowel movements—sit fully, breathe, and avoid straining or “power peeing.”
• Incorporate pelvic-friendly exercises such as yoga poses (e.g., child's pose, pigeon, happy baby) to encourage muscle relaxation.
• Explore self-stimulation privately to discover which types of touch and stimulation are most pleasurable or comfortable.
• Consider using vaginal trainers or dilators, starting small and gradually increasing size, and involving your partner for support and collaboration.
• Normalize communication around sexual pleasure, pain, and individual needs, recognizing that every body and relationship is unique.

Mentioned

Floored (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

V-Hive (*Google Play link) (app)

Online Workouts (free workout)

Come as You Are (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

Squatty Potty (e-commerce website)

Vaginal Dilators (e-commerce website)

12 Relationship Principles to Strengthen Your Love (free guide)

Connect with Dr. Sara Reardon

Websites:thevagwhisperer.com

Facebook:facebook.com/thevagwhisperer

YouTube:youtube.com/channel/UC2MllrS6zD974pxBFbVUHdA

Instagram:instagram.com/the.vagina.whisperer

LinkedIn:linkedin.com/in/sara-reardon-pt-dpt-wcs-4a6b1025

TikTok:tiktok.com/@thevagwhisperer

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship 

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins 

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation 

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins 

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins 

Website: drjessicahiggins.com  

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. 

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. 

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. 

Thank you!  

*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon if you purchase the book from this link.

Episode Transcript

Sara, thank you for joining us. 

Thanks for having me, Jessica. 

I'm really looking forward to it as a board-certified pelvic floor physical therapist, and you have just recently written a book called The Floored, and you're going to be talking a little bit more about that with us here today in the context of an intimate relationship. But also, it sounds like you're known as the vagina whisperer on social media, is that right? 

That is very accurate. I am known as the vagina whisperer on Instagram and TikTok, and just share a lot of pelvic health tips about everything from sexuality and intimacy, but also just general pelvic health when it comes to bowel health, menstrual health, reproductive health, just really anything from the ribs to the knees. 

Yes. Excellent. Given that you're explaining how the different ways in which our pelvic floor impacts our living and our relationship, do you want to give a brief just orientation around anatomy, or just like the pelvic floor, and then also how this matters towards sexual intimacy? 

Absolutely. So I made pelvic floor physical therapists, and as physical therapists, we work with muscles, tissues, and nerves in the body. And I specialize in treating the muscles, tissues, and nerves in the pelvic region of the body. At the very bottom of your pelvic bones, kind of ring of skeletal bones we may be used to seeing in our doctor's offices or even our Halloween jammies. At the bottom of that ring of bones is a basket of muscles that gets like a floor. So literally the floor of your pelvis. And those muscles support in the female body, the uterus, the ovaries, the bowels, which hold stool, the bladder, which holds urine, and then male bodies, the bladder and bowels, but the prostate instead of a uterus or ovaries. So this muscle acts like a support, a hammock of support for these organs. 

But it also has the openings in the female body for urine to exit the body through the urethra, the anal opening for bowel movements, and then the vaginal opening for vaginal intercourse, menstruation, and vaginal birth. In the male body, they have two openings through the penis for, you know, ejaculation and urine, and then the anal opening. So this muscle surrounds the vaginal opening. In a female body, if this muscle is tight, tense, or overactive, it's. It can limit comfort or even the ability to have sexual activity vaginally. There are also a lot of estrogen receptors and glands in the vulva and the vagina, within the pelvic floor muscles, that help with lubrication and discharge. And the outer layer of these pelvic floor muscles is the ones that contract and relax during an orgasm. 

And so when we're thinking about it, 

Thank you for describing that. I appreciate that. When I was reading your book, I was like, oh, I'm not peeing. Right. And I don't poop. 

Right. And all of these things. 

And also, I think people who have been, I don't know, but I feel like there's a lot of information about pelvic floor health. But like when you sneeze or when you're lifting. And I, you know, I do a lot of yoga.

So they talk about the Mula Bandhas, which I think are kind of in the same region. So I get that. But there's this kind of holding. And I think you talk about it too, it's like we go to the dentist or. But we're not necessarily attending to our pelvic floor health, or we really don't have a lot of awareness around how to be mindful. 

Exactly. And I think most folks don't even know that they have a group of pelvic floor muscles. And we, you know, just talked about how integral these muscles are to daily function. And, you know, I think that 

it could be leakage, it could be discomfort, or changes in sensation. We don't know what's happening, and we certainly don't know who to go to for help. And I think that's where pelvic floor therapists, and hopefully my book Floored and other resources, can really start to just help folks better understand this part of their body. Create a kind of shared language on how to approach issues, and then know that help is available, rather than suffering silently. Which I think has really been the case for so many decades. 

Because we haven't been talking about pelvic floor health, especially in relation to intimacy. 

Yes. I mean, it makes sense if we even look at the early years. You mentioned menstruating. If we're talking about the female body, sometimes we might get a reproductive sexual health class in school, but then, depending on the parents, there might be some guidance or conversation, but it's not necessarily extensive or talking about pelvic floor health, typically I don't think I was ever talked to about it. And when you talk about the intimate space and how conversation and communication or awareness. How do you help people start to begin to have those conversations, or where to start? 

I mean, I think what we're doing now is really instrumental. I think being able to have these conversations openly with different audiences is step one. Because again, folks listening are going to say, I didn't even know I had a pelvic floor. I didn't know this could be contributing to challenges with intimacy. And so I think that's step one. And I also think educating ourselves, you know, I have two children, and I'm thinking, how do I teach them about their pelvic floors if I don't understand my own, or what function that plays in my body, or how it plays a role in their bodies? And so I think we're able to start educating the next generation because we know better and can learn. And it's interesting because I have two kids right now. One's in lower school, one's in middle school. 

And there's like a little bit of health class depending on where you live and what school you go to. There may not even be sexual health education, but there's certainly not pelvic health. Pelvic floor education. You know, we must start again teaching them things about, like, how to pee properly, how to poop properly, what a menstrual cycle is, and how to use menstrual hygiene products? How should sex feel? Is it supposed to be painful? Do you orgasm with every sexual experience? I mean, we're not setting any norms for folks. And so you can just go online and kind of find out a bunch of stuff, which may not all be true, but

Yes. Well, there are two things I want to respond to, one of which is that there's often stigma associated. And then also when we look at. In a heterosexual relationship, a man might feel hesitant to approach this topic because he doesn't have a female body. And it seems as though more pelvic floor concerns might affect women more. I don't know. Help me if that's right or wrong. 

So one of the reasons that female bodies are more affected with pelvic floor issues is because we. Three things happen. One, many female bodies go through pregnancy. So pregnancy itself changes our pelvic floor muscles, those muscles that muscle supporting a growing fetus inside the uterus. They're stretching, they're being weakened. You also go through birth, which can mean a vaginal birth, which can stretch and lengthen these muscles, often resulting in a tear or a major abdominal surgery for cesarean section. So pregnancy and birth are, you know, big risk factors for pelvic floor issues popping up. We also go through menopause, and menopause is another huge transition in the female lifespan where our hormones change, our pelvic floor muscle strength decreases, we have less vaginal lubrication, and we have less, you know, arousal. We have weaker pelvic floor muscles. 

And so those two things happen only in a female body. And then also, I think that when it comes to gender roles, I think that when I think about the way that we're educated on our bodies right now, it's like, okay, young girls, you guys go learn about periods, and you're in this class, and then young boys, like, you guys are over here, and we're going to talk about, like, erections and wet dreams, right? And so I think, really, 

I mean, my kids should know what a menstrual cycle is and that there are muscles at the vaginal opening and what periods are, what pregnancy does to a body, just like a female should understand the male body and, like, what happens there as well. 

So I think that's part of kind of getting rid of some of this shame. Like, if we just think about, well, this is how the body works. Just like how I can bend my elbow and my biceps contract. It's the same thing for a pelvic floor muscle. You can do a certain contraction, and those muscles get tighter. I think if we just boil it down to physiology and anatomy, it takes some of the shame and stigma out of it, at least in my lens, because it's like the secrecy and the lack of conversation that I think can lend to a lot of shame. 

Absolutely. And then the female body, maybe a person is having some challenges and feeling shame about it, and typically feels alone or might consult a physician or friends, and some of it is deemed as normal. As you've pointed out, a lot of people negotiate this or then progress, and then it's. There are some really significant treatments that people engage in. Do you want to say anything about that? 

Yes. You know, I think a couple of things that when providers don't ask specifically about issues like discomfort with intercourse, urinary leakage, painful bowel movements, any of these things, patients are less likely to tell them. So a lot of the providers, if you're treating, again, all genders, we're talking about anything in the intimacy space, I think it's really important that we ask these questions because

And even once you bring it up, you are often met with being gaslit or saying it's normal or that we just need to relax. Now. There is a kind of psychosocial component to pelvic floor muscle tension, which can often contribute to painful intercourse or challenges with orgasm. But it's not all that. It's kind of like saying, oh, I have back pain. 

And we're like, it's all in your head. You're like, now it's because I move this way or I clench this way, where I work out this way. There are a lot of factors that go into it. And relaxing isn't just going to get rid of your back pain. It's the same thing for your pelvic floor muscles. I think oftentimes when we, because we'll have partners come into our pelvic floor therapy session, so that we can educate them on what's going on, it's like, let me be the messenger. They can bring me their questions. And it's a space that includes the partner who can often feel helpless, like, I don't know how to help. And it also takes all of the onus on the individual experiencing the discomfort. It's like 

So we'll bring partners in, explain to them the anatomy, how it's literally a muscle spasm or muscle weakness or muscle changes, and also different things they can do to support their partner. And I think that can really bridge the gap between, like, oh, I have this problem, and I have to do all these things to fix it. Being like, hey, we're in a team, and we're doing this together. And it adds another layer of intimacy to a relationship that wasn't previously there. 

Oh, my goodness. I so appreciate that perspective. And then just the framework, because as you said, someone who's contending with some of the challenges is then feeling likely some level of shame or stigma around it and trying to educate themselves, and then feeling like the onus is on them to then bring their partner along. Like, it's tricky. So to have someone, a partner, be involved in taking some real ownership of the dynamic of what is presenting, that there's real support there. 

I mean, if you think about it, like, if I had a knee injury and I had to go get surgery. Like my husband would drive me to the appointments, he'd take care of me afterwards. He would make my meals, get my walker, and do my stretches. I mean, he would do all of those things often because it's a very visible injury. Right. It clearly affects my function, yet we don't view the pelvic floor in the same way. But it is a very real issue that can affect our day-to-day function. We just don't see it, we just. 

Don't talk about it. 

So I think when we think about it, well, how do we address other medical issues? Like, this is just another medical issue, why would we feel like we need to go through this one alone and in isolation, where we wouldn't tackle anything else that way? 

It makes so much sense. 

It was really interesting because when I was on my floor book tour this past summer, I was in Dallas, which is where I used to live and work, and at this really wonderful bookstore. And afterwards, a couple came up to me, and they had asked a couple of questions in the Q and A, but it was the gentleman, it was a male-female couple. And it was the gentleman who said, well, what do we do about this? We've tried this, and this isn't quite working. Do you have anything else, or do you know anybody in the Dallas area? And he was asking the questions, and it was he and his partner together. And he's like, you know, we've done this. And I was like, this is amazing. I mean, this should be the standard for how we approach an issue. 

A pelvic health, muscle dysfunction would it affects intimacy or any issue. But it was really lovely to see the support that a partner can offer. And he was like, I told her that you were coming town and so we marked the calendar, and we're here. And it was like she was the one really. And I just thought 

Thank you for sharing that story. I love it. And do you feel that when you say an injury, you're saying dysfunction, do you feel like sometimes maybe there are injuries or just atrophy, or is it just a matter of depend? 

So I think when it comes to muscle, there are a couple of different ways that we approach it as therapists. So muscles can have a range of issues. But the three biggest ones are the muscles weak when it comes to sexual health. That can mean changes in sensation, like they don't feel as much sensation with penis in vagina intercourse or with using a toy or anything like that. It could mean changes in orgasms. It could mean weaker orgasms, the inability to orgasm, or even leakage with orgasm. The other issue is that it could be tension. So when someone has pelvic floor muscle tension, that is more often what I see when it comes to sexual health challenges. And it's typically painful with the initial insertion of something into the vaginal opening. With deeper insertion or in certain positions, it could cause pain afterwards. 

There's like a deep ache or pain afterwards. It could be pain with orgasms or, again, the inability 

to orgasm. And then the third issue is coordination. There's no pain, but you can't orgasm or something like that. So I think that more often, I see tension when it comes to sexual health challenges. I kind of describe it like, I get a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders, and I need to get massages and acupuncture and do my stretches. And if I don't do that, then I get really bad migraines and headaches. It's the same thing when it comes to the pelvic floor muscles. If there's tension, it can lead to pain sensitivity, irritation, and a kind of an avoidance. Because who wants to do something painful, right? 

I don't want to put my hand on a burner when I know it's going to burn me. And so there can be a kind of psychosocial component that plays into this muscular component that could be present. 

Thank you for laying that out. I remember reading, and I was like, the confusion between relaxing or tensing or holding, and sometimes in our bodily function, whether or not it's going number two or if it's urinating or even sexual intercourse, that there's sometimes different ways in which we can relax in different ways that we have tension, and. Or muscle contraction. So it seems like you really offer a lot to help people recognize that. “Okay, so as far as an intimate relationship, I mean, really, this does affect the couple, right? Or it will. Do you want to talk a little bit more about how that affects a couple?” 

“Absolutely, I think so. In my experience working with. I work with all genders. I would say the majority of my clients are women, female bodies. And so, typically, I'll have someone come in, and they'll say, like, I have pain with sex. This can be. Since they started having vaginal intercourse, it can be something that happened.” They'd been sexually active for years, and then something happened, maybe a marker in time where they started having pain with sex after that, and that could be giving birth. And now they have changes in lubrication. They have scar tissue at the vaginal opening or from a C-section. They've experienced trauma. And it does not have to be just sexual trauma. It could be physical trauma, emotional trauma, any sort of trauma that can kind of manifest in our tissues and muscles in our body. 

And so those are kind of the more common things that I see, which is pain with injury or deeper, and then pain after a time period or like an event marker. And so when this happens, I mean, you can't most often, unfortunately, I feel people just push through it, and they're like, I'll just deal with the pain. But I always say, like, no amount of pain with sex is normal. It is a purely pleasurable event. Like, sometimes if we can just get to neutral, that's their goal. But there should be pleasure associated with it. And so if there's pain associated with it, obviously, it's not something that you want to do with a partner. You may avoid being in relationships because of it. You may not be able to grow your family because you're not able to have sexual activity or be inseminated. 

So I think that there are a lot of ways that this does really affect partnership outside of just like, oh, this hurts. Yes. 

Thank you. And do you want to speak a little bit more about the pleasure? Because you're saying. 

Yeah. 

That the pelvic floor has a big impact on one's arousal and one's sense of pleasure. 

Absolutely. And so, you know, arousal doesn't have to be just with foreplay. I mean, it's. You know, I always tell my husband, I'm like, if you really want to, like, arouse me, like, make my cup of coffee in the morning, just the. 

Way I like it. 

So I think that there's a cycle of kind of physical pleasure that we experience. And it's typically arousal that can happen even before we're touched, you know, and then it kind of leads up to eventually, like, sexual activity in some fashion. And then the climax would be when we typically would say, oh, I've had an orgasm. And then there's this kind of, like, euphoric period afterwards. That model has shifted because you don't always have to orgasm. I think that I always kind of joke, and I think I mentioned this in the book, that this model was likely created by a male body that may be their climax point, but in a female, and in female bodies, we don't have to have that as the top point. And so that can occur sometimes with sexual activity or not. 

It's something I actually tell people because they think that they have to orgasm every time they have sex. And that's not the case. But there is when we and I also talk a bit about the book, and there's a great book on this called Come if you are by Emily Nagoski, which I love that book because it talks about  

And so for me, it's like if I'm stressed, if I'm working too much, if I'm bloated and about to have my period, you know, if I'm disconnected from my partner, those are things that put my foot on the brake, but things that put my foot on the gas or exercise, rest, and connection. But you can't just take your foot off the brake. 

You also have to put your foot on the gas. So it's this kind of little bit of a see thought as to you have to do the things that kind of create arousal and intimacy, but also try to decrease the things that can put the brake on. So I think that's again, it kind of goes into. It's not just a physical experience, it's very much a kind of a emotional experience as well. 

Absolutely. And do you want to say thank you for acknowledging that? Because I think many people in modern life are contending with the demands that feel stressful, whether or not it's parenting, work, or finances, or what have you. And then also making room and space for relaxation, for the self care, just to be present in one's body and breathing. Right. Intentionally, like that allow for more sensation to occur. Do you want to say anything about specifically the pelvic floor and when, as it relates to pleasure or so? 

Absolutely. So when we go through this experience of arousal, blood is going to our pelvic floor muscles. It is kind of engaging our pelvic floor muscles. We have blood going to the clitoris. In a male body, it would be the penis. And so you've got blood going into these areas. And this is again before you may even have been touched. And so that blood flow, it also produces lubrication in the area of the female body. And so that is going to help with lubrication now. But one thing I will say is that if you don't feel adequately lubricated, folks will think, oh, I must not be aroused. And that's not the case. That lubrication is very hormonally dependent as well. It's also hydration dependent. It's menstrual cycle dependent. 

So there are a lot of things that, like, if you don't feel quote, unquote, wet enough, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not aroused. It could just be a certain time of the month, or that you are dehydrated, or that you are in a lower estrogen state at that time. But the pelvic floor muscles start to kind of engorge with blood. And then if you do reach this climax, your pelvic floor muscles contract and relax in a wave-like fashion. And that actually is what an orgasm is. It's these muscular contractions of the pelvic floor muscles. So that's kind of. If you tune in, you can feel that kind of wave of contraction. 

Now, if you have pelvic floor tension, you may not be able to get blood flow to those muscles in the same way that leads up to an orgasm, or if you may have had pelvic floor weakness, those, you know, again, those muscles might not get to that kind of contracted state to lead to an orgasm. So there are different things. The, the health of these muscles contributes to the ability to have vaginal intercourse, but also to reach a climactic experience. 

Thank you. Okay, so coming back to just communication or even certain exercises or attention to. I mean, one of the terms you use, I love, is pelvic floor ally, which I think is just really sweet, right? That's there. I mean, that sounds like more for the female body, but just like the awareness around the pelvic floor and that we're being in a place of health around the pubic floor. Like, I love that. So, for people listening, are there things that you would recommend that people could do? As far as you've mentioned, communication, exercises, or things that support the health and wellness here? 

Well, to your point, I think there are everyday things that most of us don't tie to, like, oh, why do I need to poop properly to have good sex? Right. And I think it's just understanding kind of what the best practices are. So when it comes to peeing, I have many people tell me, like when I go to the bathroom, Sara, I feel like you're always with me. I'm like, great, well then I'm doing my job. But when you go to urinate, I tell People like, sit down, don't hover, don't push. Just sit, chill, breathe, and let your bladder empty. So to avoid pushing when you pee and then kind of trying not push the pee, that's important for peeing. No power peeing. That's right. That helps just to minimize weakening the muscles. 

Again, when you are having bowel movements, I'm a big fan of this thing called a squatty potty, which is a little stool you put under your feet. And don't delay the urge to poop. When you do go, put your feet on the stool, lean forward, and exhale and bear down. Getting into that squatting position for a bomb movement relaxes your pelvic floor muscles, so you don't have to strain. And then when it comes to sexual activity, I'm also a big fan of like, self-stimulation. I think it's kind of like we're going to go ask you to perform in a theater in front of all of these people. But, like, you've never even practiced in front of a mirror before. So there's this thing of, like, when you communicate with a partner and say, like, hey, this is actually what feels good. 

Like, lateral stimulation feels better than vaginal stimulation. How do you know that if you've never tried it? So I'm a big fan of like, telling people to be on your own, quiet your nervous system. You don't want, like, Game of Thrones or Bright Lights or kids' fingers under the doors, right? Like, you set an environment that is soothing to your nervous system. And then I want you to explore, like, what feels good when you touch here. Is it painful if you kind of put your finger in the vagina? Is it enjoyable when you stimulate the clitoris? 

You're able to let them know, versus kind of like, you know, they don't know how to please you or help you feel good either. 

But relaxation of the pelvic floor muscles is key. So certain things that I encourage folks to do are a lot of yoga poses like child's pose and Happy Baby, and a deep squat and a pigeon pose, and things that kind of release the hips and the pelvis, and that just allows those pelvic floor muscles to let go and soften. Similar to, like, if we just do, like, neck and shoulder rolls and we have tight muscles, we want to do something that's going to soften those muscles before we try to do something or insert something inside of them. 

Thank You. So you're saying it's a comprehensive, holistic approach here, that it's not just when one wants to be sexually intimate, but how one is eliminating that is actually really supportive for pelvic floor health. And then how we're doing, maybe mind body exercises, and also giving some opportunity for releasing, because of the stress. I mean, I've been in yoga, and they're talking about how much we store in our hips and doing like a pigeon pose, like breathing, and like, oh, perhaps there's emotional tension that we've kept. And so having some practices to help support relaxation. So, yeah, absolutely. 

I think when it comes to the tension piece, if they're muscles that do carry tension, then addressing that is key. And I say this, not like, oh, you just need to breathe and do yoga, and that will take away your pain. But I think it's like peeling layers of an onion. That's the way that we treat someone in pelvic floor, we can go in and use a device or a tool or our fingers to soften those muscles inside the vagina to relax the pelvic floor muscles to massage the opening. But if you're walking around and you are upregulated and clenched all day and on Zoom meetings and tightening your butthole in traffic and at the desk, I could do vaginal massage all day. 

But if that's the other 23 hours of your day, then what I do once a week isn't going to be the right thing. So it's a little bit of how can I give you the tools to help yourself at home, outside of just within the clinic? There are also these different devices. One's called vaginal trainers, and they look like tampons of different sizes. And we help folks get comfortable with inserting those into the vaginal opening and then transition to a side that's closest to their partner or their device or toy if they insert something into the vagina. And then there are these other little wands. They look like a little S, but it acts like a little trigger point massager for inside the vaginal opening or anal opening to release tightness or tenderness of the pelvic floor muscles internally. 

So lots that you can do at home, lots that you can do in therapy. And it feels kind of like, oh, this sounds like a lot. And I'm like, it's, it's not really. It's like as simple as, like putting a foam roller on the ground and just massaging your butt. It's no different. 

Yes. Thank you. Now, you mentioned the size of one's if they're in a heterosexual relationship, and if the female body is trying to use those. Or is it a dilator? 

Vaginal trainers. Dilators. Are vaginal trainers. 

Okay. To more or less the size of their partner. Have you had women tell you, oh, my partner's too big, or, anatomy-wise, like, it's not a good fit. Like, I'm curious what your thoughts are there. 

Absolutely. I mean, I think that you get all responses of like, we don't need the big one, or like, oh, wow, that's really intimidating. Or like, oh, this one. My partner's bigger than this. So the good news is there's a variety of sizes, and sometimes it's not even a partner. Sometimes it's like they want to do something more functional, like the gynecologic exam, using tampons or an insert, or even just having a finger inserted. So it's a. It's a spectrum of things that they may want to explore. But there's a variety of sizes. So it can start with something as small as my pinky finger, and then they get larger in diameter and longer in length. And there is. I think there are two kinds of particularly larger sizes that I've never had anybody say, like, my partner is bigger than the xl. Like, there's an XL, and that's big. I'm like, okay. But I also tell them, like, you don't even have to go all the way up to the size of your partner. It's kind of like when you train for a marathon, you only need to run like 20 miles because on that day you'll get to 26. Right. It's the same thing. So. But going from using a vaginal dilator or trainer and then progressing to, I'm going to have sex with my partner, There's a big gap there. So what I advise him is to let's practice using these dilators in a solo experience. 

And then you can actually bring your partner in, and then you can have your partner lie next to you as you do it. Then you can have your partner insert it as you do it. Or, you know, you can use it right before intercourse. You can use it in the morning. I mean, so there are ways to kind of bring the partner in that I think, again, helps it become like, oh, we are addressing this, versus, this is my problem to deal with. And that is a really lovely way to bridge. Like, how do I put this? You know, oh, I can fit this dilator into my vagina versus, like, I want to be intimate with my partner. I think that some of those steps can really help you across the bridge to get to where your goals are. 

Great, thank you. So it's not a situation of being anatomically incompatible. I mean, like, if a female body is kind of designed to give birth, you would think that the matter would be more of what you're describing. 

I mean, I'm sure there are instances where there is a person with a penis who, if they're well-endowed, there are definitely cases where it's too large and can be uncomfortable. But I would say there are dilators that are quite large. My favorite company is called Intimate Rose, and they make dilatators of different sizes and different colors, which are not very medical looking, and they're soft and silicone, but they make an extra large one. I personally haven't had a patient who says this is not big enough, but I could definitely see where there's someone who can be too large. But typically, if you can help bridge that gap, it's hopefully helpful to minimize discomfort or eliminate it is the goal. 

So, last question. As it relates to the intimate connecting, I've often had many experts and know this to be often the case that the male-bodied person is more quick to arousal. And you know, I think backed by some of the messaging we get in social media or even movies, that the speed of foreplay is expedited in movies, and then a male body may be aroused and ready much faster than a female body. Do you want to speak to that more specifically about how to support? I mean, because you're talking about relaxing and. 

Yeah, I mean, I think these are very individual. You know, I think that it can be something where it's hard to draw generalizations, like men go quicker and women don't. I think every individual has their own kind of level of arousal that they need to get to a certain point of climax. It is something that I think practice makes better. You know, I think this is why I'm a huge fan of self-stimulation too. Because I'm like, if you know what feels good, you can kind of go right to it, you know, versus kind of leaving it up to someone to fumble around, you know. And so I think that's really important. 

But I would say, I mean, it does feel from personal experiences and just working with all genders and in the sexual space for a long time that it's interesting that I think that it does seem like men can climax quicker than female bodies. The anatomy is not that different. But I also think that it seems a little bit like, hey, this is the one thing that we have to do, and this works for guys. But I think that it's a little more. It's different when it comes to a female body. There are different parts, right? And so I think it's kind of understanding what is comfortable for that person. And again, different things put our foot on the gas and different things that put our foot on the brake. 

And it's not just a physical act for many of us, you know? And so I think that there's just more layers of. In the components of intimacy. And then to get to the climax that. I mean, I can only speak for myself because I'm a female body, so. But I also tell people that, you know, they don't realize that I'll have patients come in. They're like, I just can't have vaginal intercourse like I want to have. That's when my partner is inside of me, and I'm like, oh, that's kind of in the movies. Like, the research shows that 90% of people have orgasms with clitoral stimulation only. And they're like, really? I'm like, yes, because that's actually your sex organ. The clitoris is anatomically similar to the penis, and it has over 10,000 nerve endings. 

So I'm like, go for the moneymaker. Right? But it's one of those things that I think that we don't realize is purely a sexual pleasure organization, and that it's totally normal to only have orgasms with clitoral stimulation. That's actually the majority of people, and I think it almost takes the pressure off of them. Like, oh, I'm not inadequate, or something's not wrong with me or my part. I'm like, this isn't because my partner's not pleasing me. I'm like, it's just the way that the body works. And. But again, we're never told this. 

Yeah. Thank you. I so agree with you about what you were describing about each individual. And when you talk about climax, would you also say that, similar to the time one might need to feel ready, like intercourse, like that foreplay? 

Yeah. I mean, I think that's totally variable. You know, I think that some folks, it's. You know, even within my group of mom friends, it's like, there's somebody who has sex every morning after her kids go to school. And some who are like, oh, it's like once a month, you know. And so, again, there's such a wide spectrum, but we don't talk about these things really openly, so we don't know what other folks are doing. But I'm in an office where for 20 years, I've asked every single client, like, what's your frequency of intercourse? Are you sexually active with men, women, or both, you know, trans? And if you're not, then what are the reasons for that? Is it pain? Is it trauma? Is it physical? Is it disinterested? So, you hear that there is a spectrum. 

And it's just, some are like, I'm over it. Or some are like, I'm ready, but I don't have a partner. Or, you know, there's just the whole spectrum. Some are like, I used to be attracted to this gender, now I'm attracted to this gender. So, all that to say, there is no standard. It is a very wide spectrum, and people can float on different sides of that spectrum at all times. 

Great, I love that. Thank you so much. I've had a lot of experts who are in the sexual space, either sexual therapists or in the space, and they usually talk about how a female body needs more time to be warmed, to be ready for sex. But again, probably a stereotype. And you're really recommending that each person really be attuned to their. Their body and what their, where their pleasure is. 

Okay, great. 

Well, as we wind down here, is there anything you want to speak to that I haven't asked you or leave people with? 

Well, one, thank you for having me on. I mean, I really love being able to have these conversations, and I'm really open and candid way. And again, I'm a medical provider, so I come at it from a very kind of physical lens, but I also understand how complex and challenging some of these things may be. And I just want folks to feel like they're not broken. They just spasm. You know, sometimes it's as simple as that. And so I think when we can explain it in a very physical way, it's really kind of disarming for people. But thank you for having me on. And as you mentioned, I am on social media as the vagina whisperer. So if you're on Instagram orTikTok, you can look me up there. 

And I appreciate you bringing up my book, Floored: A Guide to Women's Pelvic Floor Health at Every Age and Stage, which, again, I wrote for. No matter where in life you are, you can hopefully learn something about your body. And I also just released my app called The V-Hive app, which has a ton of pelvic floor training for, you know, bladder health issues, sexual pain, tension, and weakness. All of the things, really, so that if you are not ready to see someone in person or can't access this is a great home resource for you. 

Excellent. I'm sure there you may even be helping people with how to do some strengthening. We know we didn't really talk about it, but absolutely. Excellent. Great. Well, I will have all the links on today's show notes. You also have a website and you. 

Yeah. 

Something about what people might find there. 

Yeah, my website's thevagwhisperer.com, and I have a ton of blog posts, and they're kind of sectioned out by topic like pelvic pain or sexual pain, perimenopause and menopause, pregnancy, postpartum bladder health, and bowel health. It actually says peeing and pooping, so super easy to understand. And you'll find more about my app there. Then we also do a virtual consultation. If somebody has questions and the app or the book isn't quite, you know, going to the depth that they need, then we do have therapists provide virtual consults for them. For more support. 

Excellent. Thank you so much. It's been an honor, and I appreciate all that you've shared here today. 

Thanks for having me.