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Are you living a life that looks great on paper, but feels like something's missing beneath the surface? You’ve climbed the ladder, checked all the boxes, yet relationships and real fulfillment seem just out of reach. The cycle of “almost, but not quite” can leave even the most accomplished individuals wondering why old patterns keep resurfacing and why true connection remains elusive.

In this episode, listeners will explore how subconscious beliefs, habitual thought patterns, and unresolved emotional baggage shape the dynamics of love and connection. Through practical approaches like interrupting negative cycles, clarifying desires and values, and learning to rewire internal narratives, this conversation offers actionable steps to break free from unhelpful relationship patterns and begin creating the kind of intimacy and fulfillment you truly crave.

Riana helps high-achieving women who’ve built a life they’re proud of in their career, family, friendships, and growth, but still feel stuck in the same old love patterns. Through her signature method, she helps them rewire the subconscious beliefs and recode the nervous system responses that have shaped their relationships for decades, so they can finally create extraordinary love that matches the life they’ve built.

Episode Highlights

04:01 Finding identity during life transitions.

08:31 Getting exactly what you ordered.

11:54 Rewiring neurology and internal beliefs.

13:01 Exploring therapeutic approaches.

17:24 Breaking negative thought patterns.

22:02 Accessing emotions to change behaviors.

24:39 Creating your vision board.

27:56 Shifting to positive self-talk.

31:44 Clearing out mental clutter.

35:04 Shifting mindset and frequency.

42:27 The power of forgiveness.

46:13 Steps to heal relationships.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

• Clarify Your Desires: Take time to specifically identify what you truly want in relationships and life, beyond vague wishes, by listing your non-negotiables and values.
• Perform the Away/Toward Exercise: Write out everything you don’t want on one piece of paper (“away”) and all that you do want on another (“toward”) to bring awareness to your focus.
• Wear a Rubber Band: For 72 hours, wear a rubber band on your wrist. When you notice negative thoughts, snap them to create an instant pattern interrupt and remind yourself to shift focus.
• Redirect Your Thinking: When you catch yourself focused on the “away” list, immediately replace the thought with something from your “toward” list or its positive opposite.
• Cultivate Genuine Gratitude: If struggling to generate positive feelings, ground yourself in something you are authentically grateful for in the present moment.
• Serve Others: If feeling stuck, perform a small act of kindness to shift your emotional state and break negative patterns.
• Incrementally Improve Your Emotional State: Don’t force a leap from low emotions to joy—focus instead on moving up one or two levels on the emotional scale at a time.
• Release the Old Story: Set boundaries around retelling painful past stories to others; instead, focus conversations on new goals and dreams to reinforce a forward-looking identity.

Mentioned

Extraordinary Love Index™ (Free Diagnostic Quiz)

Brilliance Brunch (Events Page)

Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love  (free guide)

Connect with Riana Malia

Website: rianamalia.com

Facebook: facebook.com/RianaMalia

YouTube: youtube.com/@rianamalia

Instagram: instagram.com/rianamalia

TikTok: tiktok.com/@rianamalia121

Podcast: podcast.rianamalia.com

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

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Website: drjessicahiggins.com  

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. 

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. 

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. 

Thank you!  

*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon if you purchase the book from this link.

Episode Transcript

Rhiana, it's lovely to have you. Thank you for joining us. 

Thank you for having me. So happy to be here. 

Yes. And we were chatting just a moment here, and it sounds like one of the things that you do is really help people overcome places where they're running into obstacles or blocks in cultivating more fulfilling love. And oftentimes, when people are really experiencing maybe a lot of success, high achieving, or might find some challenges relationally, how did you start to recognize there was a piece missing for people? 

And it really, after, I mean, initially created this work for me in all transparency and then now after working with, you know, hundreds and hundreds of people and being able to see that there is a pattern with high achieving, high functioning, high capacity people that oftentimes part of our identity is we're so used to fixing and doing and performing and achieving. And a lot of times when we're feeling some dissonance, or you know, things aren't feeling super connected, especially maybe around relationships, it's a great time to look at what kind of identity and what you're attached to. And so oftentimes it's an identity that you know was 10 years ago or when you started your career, had your kids, or whatever it is. And there's a disconnect. 

But the other piece of that's so fascinating is we go through life, we're doing all these things, we have full, rich lives, and then all of a sudden there's some kind of a transition. Maybe it's empty nesting, maybe it's a career change, maybe it's a dorse, whatever it is. And all of a sudden you go, oh. And the question is, well, okay, who are you now outside of the noise and the mom, the wife, the husband, the dad, the CEO, the business owner, like, 

So many people can't answer that question because they've been doing, they've been putting everybody else's needs first, or they've been so focused on achieving, and relationships and extraordinary love are not the same process as your next C-level position or when you're negotiating a contract. And sometimes it's really hard to separate those things. And then there's this confusion because you've built this amazing life. What is it about this one thing, and why does everybody else seem to figure it out, and what is it about me that I keep ending up in these same relationships over and over, or these same circumstances? So it is fascinating, and it's across the board. Men, women, young, old, it doesn't matter. Yes. A lot of it comes down to what's running the show subconsciously and unconsciously. 

Thank you for acknowledging the personal reference around how this was really meaningful for you and your work. But also, just in your experience, helping people recognize the tendency to achieve or accomplish the driver of that might not be as aligned with what is true. And when you said, where I want to be, is that, is there a visionary process, too, that you're wanting people to tap into? Who am I now? The identity piece. But also who they are. If there is a disconnect, who they want to be or what. 

Yeah. So when we start. So my methodology is clear to create a method, but the basis of it is, you know, whether we've known each other forever or 10 minutes. I want you to live your very best life. Right. Whatever version that is. But you can't go from childhood trauma, past pain, divorce, failed business, what? All the things. All those limiting beliefs and limiting decisions that, you know, were too much, we're not enough, and whatever. To just live your very best life. We have to clear before we can create. Right.

People who say they want a different story. I say, quit telling the old one. Right. That's the first step. But we also have to clear those cycles to create the confidence, to be able to trust that we even know. 

Is this really a red flag? Am I being ridiculous? I don't know. Thought I knew. Look how that turned out. And we have to clear those patterns, right? Those underlying the wiring of those patterns to create the partnerships. Because otherwise we don't get the loving, fulfilled partnerships romantically, personally, professionally. We just get more of the same, which is typically more of what we don't want. And really having to clear the loss to create the love. Even if you for me, like, you know, when my first marriage ended, it was definitely not a relationship I wanted to be in. And it got very volatile in that whole process, but I still grieved for what I thought, what I wanted for my family. Right. You have to really be able to, like, give yourself that as well. 

Like, 

Nobody sets out to get ready to get divorced. So to answer your question, before we can clear anything, though, we have to get crystal clear. And this is like the basis of all the magic and the transformation, and where the neuroscience meets the vision. And there are so many people talking about who you are now and what you want, kind of think they know, but when it comes down to it, there's no specificity. And so they end up kind of getting what they want in life. It's fine, they're not in crisis, but it's not really what they want. 

So I talk about it like we're going to dinner together, and we pop into a restaurant, and we sit down, and the server comes by and says, ” What can I get you guys? And we're like, yeah, we're thirsty. We're going to start with a salad, some protein, and a great veggie. Amazing. So they bring us an iced tea, a pork chop, some roasted potatoes, and a Caesar salad. And we got exactly what we ordered, 100%. But what we wanted was a lovely glass of pinot and a ribeye, and some roasted asparagus and arugula salad with goat cheese and fresh figs. So the difference is in the specificity and really knowing. And so a process of really diving deep into, like, let's do a values elicitation, let's look at those non-negotiables, let's look at the desires, and we create your menu. 

And for so many people, the desire piece is the hardest. Because then, like, I don't know, I've never had that. Okay, so let's talk about how to really tap into those things. No thinking, oh, I'm too old. It's too late for me. Well, like, no filters. But when we do that, you actually have something concrete. I call it the clarity codex. That you can know in a matter of like 60 seconds if anyone gets to actually even potentially be part of your world romantically, friends, or business partners. Because if the values don't line up or there's anything on that non-negotiable list that's present or not present, depending on the context, it's a clean no. And when we can make clean yes and clean no decisions, then we're not stuck in the middle, which is the double, which is the maybe, which is the not knowing. And that's where all the friction and the drama and the decision fatigue come. And then we get so wrapped up in that we're like, I don't know, we either decide out of fear or we don't make one at all. And so then we're kind of paralyzed, and nothing changes. And then there's more evidence that it's not going to happen for us, or it's something we're doing or not doing. 

Yes. Thank you. “And just running what has been habitual. Which is more of what? More of the same.” 

“Yeah.” 

I really appreciate just the catchiness, but also the potency of clear and create. And I know that you're, I imagine, and I would love to hear from you if Riana, if this fits for your work. But I'm seeing this on a continuum that maybe it is a shifting of a relationship in the way of divorce or ending a partnership of some sort or perhaps further on the continuum, it's getting really clear on the values, the non negotiables and starting to show up and relate differently in a current partnership that then can develop something new that hadn't been able to be birthed. “So the clarity internally doesn't always mean wiping the slate clean, so to speak.” 

“Or tell me the beautiful thing about this work. And I mean the framework never changes, but it doesn't really matter if we're having a conversation because you've been divorced and you want this extraordinary love that you've never had or you're in a relationship, but it's just something is missing and you guys are not connecting and you deeply want that or you're like, I don't know, I know there's more meant for me in my life. Maybe it's not love-related at all.” It doesn't matter. This work affects every part of you in your world. So it doesn't really matter. It's not like it's just about relationships or just about business or just about any of it. It really is about the rewiring of neurology and the internal piece. 

But absolutely, it's again, it's not about a dating thing, or it's not even about the other person. This is about rewiring your neurology and your internal operating system so that you get to actually show up in a career and relate to and function as the person that you really are, not the one that's been running with stuff that you decided between zero and seven. Right. At five years old, you decided something, and consciously or not, it's still running the show. And every one of those decisions has beliefs and values attached to them, which get anchored in which then become the blueprint of our life. And then we go, what the hell? Like, let's just keep happening. I've done so much work, why does this keep happening? But a lot of that is that they're. 

If we're going to blow out stuff that's Dysfunctional and not work for us. We have to replace it. That's why people are like, I've been in therapy for years, and I've done all this work, and I'm doing so well. And then this thing happens, and I just revert right back to the old stuff. Well, because the unconscious mind can't fill in the blank, it will always go back to what it knows. 

Well, that's particularly like talk therapy, but there's a lot of somatic and really looking at some of these deeper attachments or the family systems work. So I do think therapeutic modalities have evolved. But when it's just the insight, I think that can be limiting, especially when we're experiencing so much of the visceral, like you said, unconscious. And it sounds as though, as you're talking, that it. I mean, because when you're saying people have evidence, so to speak. And sometimes people might approach their current relationship around, I already know what it is, and it can't give me what I really want. But perhaps if I approach that, as you're saying, from this different place, that relationship can evolve or be different because we are different, or anything for that matter. “As you're saying, this can apply to any domain of life.” 

“Yes. So, you know, when we talk about the unconscious and the conscious and all the things, and we talk, if we look at just the basics of how many thoughts we think every day, it's like 70, 80, 90,000 thoughts a day. Crazy. And 90% of those thoughts are recycled.” So they're the same thoughts that we thought yesterday, last week, last month, probably last year, definitely in the middle of the night. And a lot of times, though, that's the key here, that most of those thoughts are negative. And I get a lot of pushback. My clients are brilliant, amazing people. And they're like, I am so rock solid on mindset. Like, I'm so clear. I don't ever want to be in this situation again. I don't ever want to be in a relationship where I'm not valued. I have ever wanted to be in a relationship where I feel like a crazy person because I can't really trust them. And, you know, all the things. 

It just knows. It's just like that's the address we're throwing in the nav system when we get in the car, and it's going to take us there over and over again. Because the unconscious mind will never, ever make you a liar. So when we're. All that stuff that we're declaring and saying that we don't want, it's like, okay. Or when we say, you know, everyone I meet is blah, blah. This always happens to me. Okay, got it. I need to make sure that I don't make you a liar. So the piece around that is. It's simple, but it's so easy to fix because it's really about flipping the focus. And actually, there's something that I do in my work, and I love to teach. It is. I call it the Magnet for Miracles exercise. And that is one of my core values. So love, generosity, impact, and the belief in what's possible. And being a magnet for miracles. And it's really, like, in 72 hours, you can play with this process and actually change your neurology. And that's the piece where it doesn't matter what we're talking about. Right. Relationship anything. Where your reality, what you see, what you experience, and what starts to show up actually physically changes. 

Okay. So, for people listening, I know it's a whole thing that you teach, and it's hard to give justice to that. 

Here, but there are a couple of minutes if you. Okay. Like, a fabulous version. Yes. Everybody can go and, like, do this and then come back and tell me and tell Jessica, like, what shifted for you? Because. And I will also tell you before. And I preface this. And then they're like, it shifted my entire life. So an open mind now requires a lot of technical things you need. So you are going to take two pieces of paper. On one, you're going to write the word away, and on the other, you're going to write the word toward. Okay. And you are going to imagine that those are walls. So we're in a room. We have a wall to our left, to the right, in front of us, and behind us. And I want you to imagine. And if you're really visual, I'm pretty visual. Like, I would close my eyes and be like, okay, where's my away wall? Your away wall is everything you don't want for me, it would be over here to my left. And then your tord wall is everything you want. Fairy dust, magic wand, goals, wishes, dreams, all of it. So my toward wall for me is to my right. So on those two pieces of paper, I want you to actually write those lists. And if you need 10 pieces of paper, go for it, but really write all the things you don't want. Ever more of again, whatever, in every area of life, or if you want to just focus this one on relationships, fine. Whatever you want to do. It works either way. 

And then on the tour wall, everything you want, I want you to take pictures of these lists and either pop them into your notes app and pin them on top, or put them in an album so you can access them at any time. And I want you to put on your rubber band, and you're going to wear this rubber band for the next 72 hours. Okay? Now, when you start this process, as you go along, and you find yourself, and I'll say the first day, you probably won't notice it very much because you're just so used to it. This is our brains are just wired like this, right? This is how we live and how we operate and how we process. But you might notice it. 

You might get kind of like, feel it in your body, like, if you've been kind of spiraling about something or going down the what if from, like, all the bad things that could happen, and the complaining and the blaming and the justifying, and then maybe a little feeling sorry for yourself. So when you recognize it, either in the moment or just because you have, like, some anxiety or you have a pit in your stomach, I want you to snap the rubber band hard enough that it stings. I want you to recall to the best of your ability what it was you were thinking about last. Promise you it'll be something on that away wall list. And then I want you to replace the thought. And there are a few ways to do that. 

One, simply look at something on the wall list or the thing you were thinking about. Flip it. What's the exact opposite of that? And just, like, sit with it for 30, 60 seconds as it is, right? Because

Because it only takes 17 seconds to hold a thought with that amount of emotion to either create new neural pathways or reinforce the ones that we're using. And then you can also think about something you're really grateful for, but not in, like, the Pollyanna way. Not like, I'm so grateful for my life, like, right now, for real, like, legit grateful. So I don't know about your house, but up here, it has been raining, flooding, and crazy. 

And so for me right now, I am so freaking grateful that the sun is shining. I feel like I'm alive again. It was horrible. And if you're still feeling it, I want you to ask yourself, ” Who can I serve in this moment? And it does not need to be a big thing. It could be a text to a friend. It could be, you know, your neighbor's plant blew over. Pick it up for the like, whatever it is, get it out of your head now. But if you're being. If you're really paying attention. Oh, interesting. You're gonna start seeing some themes. And the point of this is not to give you some lobotomy that you're not gonna have these thoughts or have these feelings or these emotions anymore. It's to get you out of it as fast as possible. And that's what changes everything. 

The pattern interrupt and the flipping. The focus of the frequency of what we're thinking about, even just from taking that tiny little step, is what I don't want to. I'm so excited that I'm whatever. Have this incredible relationship that just feels like home, whatever it is. I don't want to be in another relationship where I feel alone. Okay, but that's what you're going to get, versus I'm so excited for this relationship that I just feel so loved and cared for. So it's those little things, but it's what will actually change your reality. She's a senior in college, and her friends will call her now and be like, ” What's that parking spot thing you do? It's because they're just. Is always. 

And it started because when I started looking at this work, the simplicity, but the power of it was because there was a couple of people in my life who are a little big to me, right? Everything's always wrong. There's never a parking spot, especially when it's raining. And I was like, this is a fun experiment. So everywhere Maddie goes, or I go, there's always a parking spot. Because Julia's. No, because that's what's like stuff did, and that we always get parking spots. So her friends, it's so cute. They're like, ” What is the thing you do? And she's like, it's not really a thing I do. 

But anyway, it's just an example of in the physical world in a very simplistic way of physical things that actually start changing, and the things you see and notice and show up for you will change relationships with people that you're meeting in opportunities and experiences. Doesn't matter what it is; it will shift. 

Thank you for breaking that down as an example that people can engage with and really experiment with. You're saying, ” Don't believe me? Just try it, right? 

Like you're saying, but don't do it if you're going to be like, oh, I'm. You know, do it when you are promised to yourself that you're going to play full out for three days. Don't start it and then be like, oh, this isn't a good time. Great, then don't do it. Tip right now. Right. Do it when you're like all in. Now, you don't have to stop your life. In fact, don't stop your life. You just have to make that promise to yourself for 72 hours. You're all in. 

And I'm hearing you, Riana, really say it's not just replacing the thoughts and letting that be. It's really getting into the emotional, physiological state, as you're saying, if we can really imagine and find ourselves in that. Which is easier said than done for some who are counteracting a lot of lived experience where maybe they don't have anchor or something to reference that they can easily access or find, but really working to give some room and space for that pattern interrupt, but to access the state of what one is wanting both emotionally and giving some room for the physiology of it. That then, I mean, in my understanding, they all work together. That we can enter into the behaviors, changing our behavior, sometimes that changes our thinking or our physiological state. 

Or we can change our physiological state, and like it impacts the whole thinking, all of it together. But this is real. You're engaging the physiology and the somatic with the rubber band, giving a sensation. It's a. Like a trigger or something to pair. And then doing the mental work, but also hoping to cultivate some of that emotional. And if you're saying that one is struggling to access the emotion, just tap into genuine gratitude. Is that right? 

Yeah. And doing something for some, I mean, it all raises the frequency. Right. And two things. I'm going to write one thing down so I don't forget the two things that you said that were really important. It is hard if you've had a lot of really hard stuff and not a lot of the good stuff. So I want to speak to that for a second. And here's why it's very common for people to say, I don't know because I don't know, because I have not had that experience. So I want you to play with it if this is you, and you're like, ” That feels really hard for me. We've all either seen a vision board or know what it is, right? Cause you can vision board and affirm all you want, but if you don't rewire the internal stuff, it doesn't matter. 

And then again, that becomes more evidence that nothing doesn't happen for you. But pretend you're going to make a vision board. And you know, even if you have to take pieces of paper or post-it notes or whatever, or however you work, take a piece of paper and like put little circles. I don't care. Imagine you're creating a vision board. Okay. And what would you put on it? And it doesn't have to be anything you've ever had. Right. It's oftentimes. Vision boards aren't things that we have experienced; they're things we would like to experience. I also want you to pay attention to any shows you're watching, movies that you're watching, or things you see out in the world. 

And if something like that hits you in that spot where you're like, ” Oh, I wish someone would do that for me, like that goes on your vision board. And once you've done that little exercise, and again, don't make this a big deal. You guys, like, take a piece of scratch paper, but just play with me here. I want you to then imagine, however you would like. You're going to see that little picture, and then we're going to make it a movie. And it doesn't matter if you've ever had any of these wonderful experiences or if it seems almost emotional for you to imagine them, because you haven't. But this will actually start creating the neurology for your brain to go, oh, that's where we're going back to the na. 

You know, I have no sense of direction, so I use this example a lot because I have to use my NAS system or my maps app everywhere. But it's like we put the thing in, and then we follow the directions. That's what happens in our unconscious mind. And back to your point around physiology. And what happens is every single thought has a reaction. It has a biological reaction. Right. We see that in lie detector tests. We see it in things where, you know, we're thinking about something and our hands will get clammy or our heart starts to race. This is so powerful because I don't know if you have ever heard. Have you ever heard that Dr. Emoto, from the 90s, did? 

Yes. The water. Yes. 

Okay, so he would like to speak things like, ” Let's play soft jazz. Let's play like Metallica and this water. High-speed 

Water molecules.

Yes. And you can see, like these beautiful, like snowflake-looking things when they talked about Mother Teresa, and then this like glob about like Hitler. And it's so incredibly important because our bodies are 70% water. So when we are talking to ourselves, to each other, we're actually changing the molecular structure of our body. And guess what? The Earth is 70% water. So when people say, well, it doesn't matter, you know, all I'm doing is hurting myself. But imagine if you flip that, like speaking not only to yourself but to others in that kind and loving way. It actually changes with your DNA. So it's not just like this theoretical, like that sounds nice. It's like legit science. 

And to look at it from that standpoint, if you just, even just if you take anything away from it, think about your body being 70% water. That everything you think and say, especially about yourself, is keeping your DNA. If you're a parent, I want you to think about what that would feel like. As for me, I always think about everything. Like, what would I say to Maddie if she came to me and said, ” This is what, you know. “And so, like for our children, we would want them to speak kindly and lovingly to themselves because we want that for them. Right. So it's like, take that and give it to yourself. Give that same kind of desire, comfort, and love, and wanting to protect them. Give that to you in just that simple way. I mean, like, it changes your biology.” 

Yes. I mean, I love that intervention. It often comes, or I don't know where you got it, but I remember coming across that in the more cognitive behavioral psychology. If one is having a focus on the negative and they imagine, well, what would a dear. What would you say to a dear friend who was in this same situation? What would you remind them of that they might be overlooking or forgetting? And can you offer that to yourself? Right. Like these are ways to access, perhaps getting into that new pattern that you're wanting to develop those new neural pathways, a new experience around, and giving some scaffolding to that when we haven't had those lived experiences. 

Absolutely. 

You know, on the note of interconnectedness. So my mother has studied different ways indigenous wisdom. And one of the things she was referencing and still sometimes does is, I don't know if it's 13 grandmothers or the 12 grandmothers. Like the wisdom of the native. It was like an organization that was. Brought these 13 grandmothers together. I'll try to find it. So I'll put it on after I notice. 

But love that. 

But they were talking about one of the things for healing collectively is blessing the water. And so the invitation was like, if you go swimming in a natural, whether a river, a pond, a lake, or an ocean, like bless the water, or like just being aware. And so there's an intentionality that I'm feeling in the way you're describing around how we do actually have way more power and agency to help heal both self and others in what we're transmitting. Is that right? 

Yes. And oh my gosh, I want to go find the 13 grandmothers. I love that so much. Like that's magical. Like getting like just that, even though when you said it, I could see it like going into the ocean and just like blessing the Lord. 

Oh my gosh. My friend and I, so this was 2022. We were celebrating our 40-year friendiversary. We've never done that before. But her mother super generously supported us taking a trip to Maui. And we were in these waterfall river areas. And I was like, remembered my mother, and I was like, oh, like bless the water. And it was just to be in nature and be in that connectivity and really recognizing, you know, when we think about the nature cycles, like it is, there's a flow and a generative, like how it's all. And you're interconnected. 

So I love that you said that. And I love that you said Maui. I was born in Maui. 

Oh my gosh, that sounds so magical. Well, happy early birthday. That sounds just quite a bit of a treat, and just to come back to your homeland. Yeah, wonderful. Well, and I could say other things, how I'm relating to what you're saying. I guess I will say one other thing. The parking. 
My friend. Same friend. But now, when my husband and I do it, we talk about parking angels. Okay. Ask the parking angels. So it's like. But it's another way of engaging in a sweet way, like, oh, the parking angels are helping us find a good spot. And it's amazing how well it works. Sometimes. 

The same thing, one thing that we did. We're not. We were Catholic. But a very cute way. Like when Maddie was teaching her friends, it's like, Hail Mary, full of grace, thank you for the parking place. You know, in advance. And it's the same thing as with the angels, but it's just. It's the intentionality, it's the assumptive. Yes, yes. The expectation for, you know, miracles and blessings and ease and flow and good things and good people. 

Yes. Which hearkens back to what you're saying about the imprint of our physiological, our brain. 

Now we have room. It's like when our pantries are so full of crap. Like I took all my stuff out, and I put it in the kitchen, and I threw away like the expired pasta and the half-open boxes of crackers and like all this stuff, and I cleaned it, and I put it back, and it made me feel like Christmas because 49 perimenopause little ADD. Like I love organization. I don't pile around me, and I just want to shut the door and not deal with it. But. And I put it all back, and it was just like so incredible. But it's the same with our processing. You have to get rid of the expired identity way of thinking, way of processing. 

How you show out, how you judge, how you perceive, so that now you get to actually put the good stuff in because your pantry's full of crap and you go buy a beautiful bottle of something, and you put it on the shelf, it's going to fall on the ground and break. There's no room for it. Right. Our closets are full of clothes that we're going to wear someday that we know it's wear. There's no room for anything new. Yes. 

And for people listening, is there anything you want to say a little bit more specifically about that release? Because some people are, as you said, with the habitual thinking or the repetitive unconscious beliefs and thought patterning that's kind of on repeat and that we can have some re-patterning and have intentionality around how we're creating something different that we're able to release, which feels important, that might be different than experiencing something new that then hooks a feeling that does maybe need to be processed so that we're not just bypassing. “Can you talk about the difference between releasing, how you might give somebody an indication, like what being able to let go of those heavy marbles, and then also how that is different than bypassing?” 

“Great question. And if I, because I get excited about this and I get wordy, and if I don't answer your question, just like rein me back in. Sometimes I end up in another universe.” 

Me too. 

So I love the thing about bypassing because people will say, oh, so you just, you know, you just want me to be positive all the time. No, that's not what I want. So I think the best way to talk about this particular part of your question is to talk about frequency and emotion and what that looks like. And I don't have you. Do you use the emotional guidance scale in your work at all? 

“I'm not sure exactly what you're referencing.” 

So it's like it. “It shows like an upward spiral of emotions and downward. It's usually like a colored thing. It looks like this. The very top high-frequency emotions are like joy and gratitude.” 

Yeah. 

“The lowest ones are like victims. I can't remember. Oh, actually, I have to, I think, anyway, when we talk about. Oh yeah. The lowest fear, grief, depression, despair, and powerlessness. The highest ones are joy, knowledge, empowerment, freedom, love, and appreciation.” So like 1 and 22. So let's say that you are in it, right? And you are down in this like a depressed state. You kind of feel hopeless. And, when we talk about choosing a better feeling thought, I don't want you to even think that, number one, it's possible or that it's healthy to go from 22 to 10, right? And skip over jealousy and hatred and revenge and anger and discouragement and blame and worry and all these things. Right. I'm looking at this thing. That's why I keep looking down. But you don't want to skip over anything. 

You can safely and like without being a sociopath, go from like fear up to levels of rage. You can do that, but you can't go from that to contentment. So if we're. If we're really looking at. When I'm asking people to choose a better feeling thought, I actually will have them look at this and name it, and then understand cognitively, intentionally, what would be a better feeling thought by one that I could actually focus on right now, and then buy another one. And then buy another one. And the reason this is so important is that it's like 

The universe doesn't direct us ever. It just reflects us. So when there's stuff, and there's that's going on that we are not happy about, where are we focusing our thoughts, our energy, our behavior? 

How are we speaking to ourselves? But it's the best way. I love to explain that this is music. So what is your favorite kind of music, Jessica, or one of your favorites? 

Oh my goodness, it changes. I'm super into conscious music right now that has a really good beat and rhythm, like almost R and B with like heart-conscious lyrics. 

What should we call it? Conscious R and B? Just give me a name. 

Sure. 

Sure thing to call it. Okay, and then what is a genre of music that you really can't stand? 

I've never really been a fan of like super heavy metal, but okay. 

So whoever, when you're listening to this, I want you to pick your own favorite music and music you can't stand, okay? And I want you to think about everything that you want for life, for your relationships, your health, your wealth, your business. All of it lives on Sirius XM111, which is conscious R and B all day long. Beautiful, amazing, like everything you want in your life is there. And sometimes we think if we're really looking at it, really consciously. I hang out in these higher vibe frequencies a lot, but unconsciously, we're often hanging around in those really low frequencies. 

And when things aren't going well, when we're in that space, when we're in the yuck, when everything, nothing keeps happening, and nothing goes our way, you're stuck on the Metallica station, and it is just blaring, and you can't turn it off, and you can't turn it down. And the question is, can you hear conscious R and B on the Metallica station? Not a chance in hell, right? So if you want this, how do you get there? You have to change the channel, which is frequency, which is our thoughts. Because we don't get what we want. We get who we are. And it's like, it's as simple and complex as that. It is how we do it. And it's not about bypassing and pretending it's raising the frequency even by one level of emotion. Does that even answer the question that you asked? 

Yes, and I am. There is a part of me that I ran a teen program, and there was a teen who was doing well. We were doing a talent show, and he was playing guitar, and I was like, ” Wow, Metallica, like, that's super talented. But I just, I haven't ever really, like, connected and appreciated. So for people listening who are like. But I love Metallica, like, I get it. Okay, so my other part of that question, thank you so much for just speaking to the incremental steps. What's doable, what's accessible, that we can't actually take these big leaps. It's too much for the system to really access and then for the piece around process, or even letting go. Sometimes things do need to be metabolized or processed to then be able to change the channel. Can you speak to that? Like, releasing. 

Is it just the, like, habituated automatic pattern that we keep kind of spinning in, or are there things that you, like, help people process it? Need to process? 

Yeah. So first, I would say, you know, and like, don't come to me if you haven't done any therapy or anything. Or, like, this work, like, you need to do that work. 

to do, if you need to do your inner child work, if you know, whatever it is, like, do that work because you need that. The problem with staying in it is that you're staying in the story. You tell the same stupid story over and over. And anytime somebody asks you about your divorce, you are in it. And you are right, and you are like, you can feel it, and you get mad, and you tell the same word and the same part of the story every time. It's yours. That's your identity. You are so attached to that freaking story. And that is where you get stuck in that victim archetype. Right? And there's no power in that. There's no freedom. And there sure as hell is no, like, moving forward. Yeah. So the piece about releasing, it's kind of like sometimes I like to remind people that if you could have figured all this out on your own, you would have your brilliance.

This is not the thing you can out-think or learn another thing, or take a course, or read a book. You've got to tap into that other 90% to the unconscious mind, that's where the magic happens. 

And it doesn't take months and years, and it doesn't require. In fact, I don't even let you talk about the story. It's irrelevant. So we can actually do that work very quickly in a way that does not require. Traumatize you and reinstall the neurology and the trauma and the feelings, and then, you know, depending on what it is, like alchemical forgiveness. And I hate the word trigger, but sometimes I don't know what another word for it is. But, like activities, the word forgiveness activates people, right? And I often share that. When I moved to California to take over a family business for my dad, who had been in and out of my life and was not trustworthy. And I went against everything I knew to be right. 

But I moved my mom, my daughter, two horses, and three cats across the country because I really wanted it to be true. And I got here, and I made a promise to Maddie. She was nine. That I was only gonna disrupt her life once. I moved around a lot as a little girl. It's hard to feel just like a child. So a few months in, I was in the studio, and I heard some people come in, and like, eight or nine men with guns pointed at me came in and put me in handcuffs. And I found myself in the middle of this DEA investigation. 

Wow. 

And I tell that because on the flip side of all the stuff, right, I fully forgave my father, but that doesn't mean he gets a seat at the table. He doesn't get access to me. I haven't talked to him in 10 years. But I was so consumed by heartbreak. Like, who does this? Not only to me, but, like, to Maddie? And also just ragefully angry. And then I had to make a decision. I could take us back to Minnesota to our friends and family, or I could keep my promise to her, which, ultimately, for me was the most important, right? Because I'm so hypersensitive to generations of lack of integrity, of keeping promises and breaking promises, and the forgiveness piece of understanding that it's not about them, it doesn't make it okay, doesn't justify it, doesn't let them off the hook. 

I don't care if they're alive, if they're dead, if they live next door, if they live across the globe. That alchemical forgiveness, it gives you the ability to, first of all, say, okay, that thing that you did is not going to control my thoughts and my feelings, and then, therefore, my behavior and my life. And it's also the difference of being in the story. And when we're in it, that's where the drama is. And that all of the stuff and the, you know, like theatrics and the trauma of it all. And you. Every time you talk about it, you get emotional. Like, I can talk to you about that story because I'm not in it. I'm on it. And it takes that stuff that we go through in that moment. “And as long as we let it define who we are. And instead of that, now it gets to refine who we are, and it becomes part of who we are.” But it's not our story. It's not our identity. That's not like I tell people a lot of times, if it's a divorce situation and, you know, their friends call and I said, look, they're. They love you in their mind. They're checking on you. They might even want to say, ” Oh, my gosh, I can't believe. Blah, blah. And I said, I really invite you very quickly to cut that off and say, look, I know you love me. And you're checking on me. But here's the thing. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to talk about that. I want to go learn how to speak Italian and go to Italy. I want to talk about. 

I'm going to learn how to play pickleball. I'm going to fall in love, whatever it is. And 

right? Don't keep adding that back in. Don't let that be what defines you. Let it refine, you let it go. Let that shit go. It's like drinking poison every day, and they die. And what does it do? It just tears us apart. So I don't know if that answered your question. 

It does. It does. And I think that it sounds like there's an acute phase where it is important to feel the feelings and let them have their process, but then it shifts into, what are we perpetuating, right? How are we choosing to be in a relationship with that experience? And how that then defines or changes or doesn't. Right. What we choose in that. Well, I know we're winding down and were talking about an intimate relationship, but also very much an individual. Is there anything you want to say around how this applies to the intimate space and couplehood who are in a relationship and not ending a relationship, but, like, cultivating. 

So I love that question. Kind of think about it, like, when we look at, you know, a relationship, and maybe we start off a relationship, and we're like, all right, we're. I'm a C, and you're a C. And we're gonna make this beautiful, like, circle, right? And be soulmates. And here's what happens. We meet somebody in a coffee shop. And we're like, oh, I like you. And we have more coffee, and we have more dates, and all of a sudden it's like, you're the most amazing person I've ever met. And I'm like, you're the most amazing person I've ever met. I love you. Okay, let's be together. And we all have baggage, so we bring our baggage, and we come together with this person, and we're so excited, and we're so in love, and we're so happy. 

And that person looks at us and says, ” Gosh, Jessica, that baggage looks heavy. How about you let me carry that for you for just a little while? You're like, okay. And we give that to them, and for a little while, it feels amazing. It's like they're carrying all of our crap, and we feel lighter and freer. And then all of a sudden, months or years go by, and you look at this person, and you're like, I don't know who you are. You're not who I married. You're not who I fell in love with. Because they're projecting back onto us all of our unresolved crap. And if we had the ability as humans to go, oh, I see that. Let me take it back. If it were that simple, we wouldn't have a 60 or whatever percent divorce rate. 

Now there's the ability to go from wound mates, which at this point probably are back to soulmates. But here's what it requires, number one. Like owning your shit, being willing and wanting to actually do that. Because here's what happens. One person typically is the instigator who says, I don't want to live like this anymore, or I'm going to do some work because whatever I'm responsible for in this situation, like, I want to figure it out and change it. And they'll start doing that work. The other person is either going to go, ” Oh, man, he or she's doing that work. I guess I'd better do it too. Now you have that soulmate ability to reconnect. Or they could say, I don't want to do that. 

And then they just try to bring you back down into the negative and the complaining and the miserableness. And then either you do that, and 

So, regardless of. Even if you're listening to this and you want so desperately to heal or change or better your relationship, and you know in your heart right now, today that your partner would have nothing to do with it, I promise you, if you did this work, it's going to change them. They won't have any choice in the matter because you're going to show up differently energetically. How you feel about yourself, your confidence, your clarity. And it's like the most magical thing, like, forget about them. Come do some of this work, just as an experiment, and watch what happens. 

So even “if you feel hopeless, understand that there's still an opportunity to heal that and come back to that, if that's what you both want.” And not by going to couples therapy and bitching and complaining and keeping score like, this is internal stuff. But again, it happens in such a way that it shifts so quickly. People are often surprised. And I've had people say that their spouses or like friends, like girlfriends of friends, like this. I had a client in New York and her friends, who did a little mini intervention because every Friday night they would have a happy hour, and she would come and she'd complain that she was in a divorce situation. I've heard, you know, that's all of a sudden she wasn't. And they said they asked her if she was doing drugs. 

They're like, well, you're much nicer, you're a lot more fun to be around. And you haven't come to happy hour and complained about Michael in like three weeks. And you were talking about fun things that you're looking forward to, and she didn't even realize it. But the, and it just, it changed her dynamic in her, you know, and her friend, because they were kind of over it, quite frankly. They were a little sick of it. So it just, it. You can. You can actually change any relationship that you're in, regardless of the other person. 

Yeah. Wonderful. Thank you. Thank you for responding to that. 

Yeah. 

So, Riana, you have many things that you give and offer. Where would you like to encourage people to connect with you if they're interested in learning more? 

Yeah. So my website, rianamalia.com, or any of the socials, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, LinkedIn, YouTube @rianamalia. But before we close, I would love to give all of your beautiful listeners the gift. So I have a diagnostic assessment called the Extraordinary Love Index™. We lovingly call her E.L.I.™, and the E.L.I.™ answers the question, what is standing between you and extraordinary love? Whether that's romantic love or self-love, it doesn't matter. So this is a 40-question assessment. And so I just invite you to, you know, give yourself a good like 10-ish minutes. You can just answer it thoughtfully because it looks at nine key areas. Attachment and impact, communication and trauma, nervous system, and all the things. 

But then I'm going to send you a 28-page personalized report that shows you, based on your answers in all of those different areas, what you might be experiencing in your life, in your relationships, what might be showing up, what's the cost of staying there, not doing anything about it? And what's something you could literally do right now on your own to start moving yourself towards closer, you know who and where and what you want to be, and it's amazing. I look at all the results that come through, every single one, and it's just incredible. So it's going to give you insight into you in a way you've never had it, no matter what. So I think everyone in the world should take the alley. 

It's just incredible, powerful insight I've had people share with me that, you know, connected dots that they hadn't been able to connect in years of therapy. So there's my invitation. Go take the E.L.I.™.

Wonderful. Well, I'll make sure to put that link, as well as your social and your website, on today's show. Notes. Thank you for all that you've shared with us today. 

Thank you for having me.