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Are you stuck in a cycle of giving too much—or never quite feeling your needs are met—in your relationships? So many of us find ourselves trapped in unspoken agreements, repeating old patterns of imbalance, and wondering why our closest connections leave us feeling depleted and resentful. It's all too easy to slip into roles and routines that quietly erode intimacy, joy, and our sense of self.

In this episode, listeners will discover the underlying dynamics of these “relationship contracts” and how they silently shape the balance (or imbalance) in our partnerships and friendships. Through insightful discussion, practical examples, and actionable tools, the conversation explores how to raise awareness of hidden patterns, reclaim personal agency, and foster healthier, more reciprocal connections—all while learning to have empowered conversations that turn resentment into collaboration and lasting growth.

Elizabeth Webb is The Practical Priestess™ and an expert in positive psychology and human behavior. For over two decades, she's helped top leaders, celebrities, and change-makers break free from life's shackles, make empowered choices, and live a life they're excited to wake up to. Elizabeth brings her signature wisdom and wit to her debut book, Made for Magic.

Episode Highlights

05:56 Spotting the early signs of relationship imbalance.

07:08 Resentment, overgiving, and the dynamics of reciprocity.

11:08 Lovability, self-worth, and patterns of giving and receiving.

16:11 Changing unhelpful contracts: Willingness, ability, and conscious relating.

21:20 Reflecting on past patterns: Awareness and co-creation.

25:59 Clarifying needs vs. preferences in relationship dynamics.

28:54 Strategies for addressing and rewriting unspoken agreements.

35:05 Understanding the root of complaints.

38:00 A roadmap for empowered communication and requests.

40:32 Building collaboration and navigating negotiation in relationships.

45:16 When to untether: Facing unmet needs and setting boundaries.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

• Reflect on your current or past relationships to notice any recurring patterns where you feel depleted or resentful due to an imbalance in giving and receiving.
• Ask yourself if your concern is a fundamental need or simply a preference before addressing it with your partner.
• Acknowledge the ways you have participated or co-created the current dynamic before approaching the other person.
• Choose a time when both parties are calm and receptive to discuss the issue, beginning by seeking consent for the conversation.
• Use neutral language to share your observations and feelings about the dynamic and avoid accusatory statements.
• Articulate exactly what you would like to change and how you would like it to look, so your partner understands what you need.
• Invite your partner to share their perspective or any adjustments they’d need to fulfill the new agreement, fostering a sense of co-creation.
• Observe whether your partner is both willing and able to make the necessary changes; if not, consider what choices and boundaries may be needed for your well-being.

Mentioned

Made for Magic (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

Alison Armstrong

ERP 056: Secrets To Sex Even When No One Is In The Mood With Alison Armstrong

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication (free guide)

Connect with Elizabeth Webb

Website: PositivelyElizabeth.com

Instagram: instagram.com/positivelyelizabeth

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Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation 

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins 

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins 

Website: drjessicahiggins.com  

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. 

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. 

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. 

Thank you!  

*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon if you purchase the book from this link.

Episode Transcript

Elizabeth, thank you for joining us. 

My pleasure to be here. Thank you for having me. 

Yes. And I am grateful to have your voice. I know you focus a lot on human behavior and positive psychology, really helping people address many facets of interrelatedness and just how we show up in relationships. And we're going to be focusing specifically on relationship contracts. And where would you like to start, just to give some context around where you're coming from? And also, as we get started here, anything you want to say about how people might be operating with unconscious or unspoken agreements in a relationship? 

Sure. So let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in, let's say, a friendship, just to set the context? A friendship where, over time, things just seemed out of balance. Like maybe you always drove to her house, or maybe you always paid the bill, or maybe you were the more accommodating one. Maybe, you know, because you're in the self-development field, you were the strong one, and they were coming to you, coming to you. Have you ever experienced that out-of-balance-ness? 

Sure. Yes. 

Yeah, me too. And so has everyone, right? Probably in both directions. But we're usually most aware of it when we are the ones who are giving more. And how this happens, you know, this doesn't usually happen overnight. It doesn't usually happen on day one. It usually happens as a repeated pattern over time. And then what we've done is

How we do relationships is that Jessica's the strong one, this person's the weaker party, they lean on you, and that's just how it kind of defaults. And of course, there's nuance within that. But I'm talking about what happens most of the time. 

And this is just really the process of shining a spotlight or a flashlight lovingly on these areas of relationships that become out of balance, that are no longer in service to us, owning that we co-created it with that person, and then rewriting the contract, you know, like really. “But we can't rewrite a contract if we're just stuck in resentment and we're not really aware of how we got off balance. So there's a name to this, and that's why we're calling it relational contracts.” 

Yes, I can absolutely appreciate what you're describing. And a lot of people might call it the relational norms or the scripts that we might not necessarily have explicitly decided on, but take form. And oftentimes, there are a lot of things that inform how we approach relationships unconsciously. And some people are familiar with, like, attachment tendencies or perhaps certain fears that we had. I was working with a client right before this interview, and given her life experience, she's had major loss in her life, and she's afraid people are going to leave. So she does a lot to mitigate and make it comfortable and easy, but she's not feeling the reciprocity that you're describing. 

And when you say lost, you mean like people's death, died? Yeah. 

Correct. Yeah. So, can you say a little bit more about one? One thing you're saying is that perhaps just even being aware, and sometimes what brings awareness is pain or some discontent. Is this typically the first sign post it? People might begin to look at, oh, there's something here for me to look at. 

I would say resentment, that kind of heavy, tight eye roll, the why do I always. That kind of feeling, when that starts to come to the surface. But I would also say when something's feeling depleting, when a relationship's feeling depleting, there's often something that's out of balance. And this is just an opportunity to lean in and go, what's out of balance here? Like, why am I drained here? Why am I leaving this hangout? Or, you know, if you want to. If we want to get into the deeper subject of, like, the romantic relationships, right now that we understand what a relationship contract is, if something is now draining or if you are resentful that in the beginning you weren't, something's gotten. Something's changed, something's shifted in a way or possibly many ways that just aren't in alignment, and to not overwhelm ourselves. 

It's just beautiful to like, go, okay, well, what's shifted? Am I over-giving? In what area am I over-giving? Or resentment can sometimes happen. I see this less with my clients, but it can sometimes happen when somebody's over-giving to us, which can also make us resentful. 

Yes. 

Something's not reciprocal. The energy isn't flowing, and we get to adjust that. 

So you're saying on the receiving end, even if we're being given to that, we also might have feelings of resentment. And that, again, do it. 

 Like, interesting concept and probably less talked about, is if we are over-given to in a way that we feel that we don't deserve, and it's consistent and it's overwhelming to our system, we can actually and frequently start to resent the source of the giving. 

Absolutely. 

Can you give me an example? Because I hear that you agree with this. What's an example that you've seen of this? 

Well, I think it can. Since you're speaking about other relationships, one of the classic forms is when a parent, perhaps as an adult child, is still giving. The child is not necessarily. It's feeling conflicted, right. Like wants the thing. Like I have a client, and she's like looking at this tendency of over-giving, and she's like, they don't even have to ask, they just like hint at it, and I'm already helping, I'm already giving. And then the adult child is the benefactor, but also feels resentment because I didn't ask for it. Like they, I was like, did they ask? And they're, are they doing anything to negotiate or work towards it? And she's like, ” No, it's like done for them. 

And so the not being able to develop and earn and actually be able to say the self-efficacy of like I did that. Similarly, an intimate relationship can feel like, oh, you don't trust me, like you're doing at all. It can feel like I don't get to have my contribution really valued in the relationship you're already occupying, or I can't give to you. Like there's, this can take many forms. 

I think I can't fully fly, I can't expand my wings. I'm incapable in this relationship because I'm feeling shrunken in the shadow of your over-functioning on my behalf. Which we're calling like love. Right? 

Yeah. 

So all of this is so interesting, and I don't know if you agree with this. Someone told me a long time ago, and it feels true that 

Right. Like most people, some would say all people feel unworthy of love and that we have to earn, prove, strategize, grab for it, figure out a way to get love or be lovable, or that there might not be enough love to receive because you're unlovable, or what. So these sorts of unconscious dark games that we play of overgiving, overtaking all of it, some of its personality, right. Some people are just naturally more of a giver, and some people are naturally more of a taker. 

But the way this can show up in love is like somebody who's an over-giver, they're proving their lovability as if that's a word. I don't know if that's what they're proving, that they're lovable with all of their giving. 

And they're probably turning off the person who is the recipient. It can be smothering, it can be overwhelming. It can be super unsexy. Right. Have you ever seen? 

Yeah, it tends to. Even for the one that's giving. Fast forward. It can develop where, okay, I'm not enjoying the balance of this. And they might start to feel resentful, or the relationship really just takes form and is an expression of that one person's preferences because they're the ones doing more. So it is more reflective of that person's preferences. 

I think this. That's a beautiful point. I never even thought of that, honestly. 

Okay. 

Yeah. What a beautiful point that the person who's giving they're giving on their terms. So maybe setting more of the tone. 

Correct. 

Wow. 

They're occupying more of the space, for sure. 

Oh, I never thought about that. So that really correlates with a point. A beautiful woman named Amy Loftus said to me one time, and this was. I was getting coached on relationships. I was seeing her and was talking about my dating life, and she said, 

Agreed. 

And I was like, what? Unasked for help is a form of control. And she's like, yeah, that helpfulness when somebody didn't ask for your help, that's you inserting yourself. And I was like, what? I didn't see it at first. It was such a shift in the way that I was thinking. But then I really got it. The frame is, I know better. I need a helper. You don't know. You can't figure it out on your own. You need my help, versus like, you got this. Let me know what you decide. You'll find a way. 

Yes. What an act of love. Right. To be in this place of spaciousness that offers enough room for someone to contribute or express themselves in the dynamic. So there are both people operating and playing in the dynamic. I think this maps really beautifully on the attachment research. I tend to use a lot of the research and principles. And having said that, just the one that's questioning, you know, am I lovable to your point? Do I have to work really hard? Or perhaps I don't need you to intend not to turn towards because they're like, I got it. I don't need. I'm. It's better bet to just rely on myself, be self-reliant. And that's another. 

Is that the Avoidant? 

Yeah, it's more of a blocking of like, not so much about blocking, but more of like through learned experiences. It's a better route to rely on myself than to rely on others. Other people have been. Have proven not to be reliable or responsive. And so I just turned towards self-referencing self-reliance. And so I do think it's important to acknowledge that these are learned behaviors. 

Right. 

Like that, we do the best we can in early life. Usually, this is where we develop them. And then what you're really promoting is, let's look at this. This resentment can be an entry point and an opportunity for transforming some of these dynamics. And a really potent one. Powerful one if we're choosing to use it as such. 

I'm a big fan of like, my specialty is not going back to like, the source of the wounding and like where it first occurred. And there's so much value in that. But I'm handling the behavior that we can see. 

Yeah, right. 

Like, okay, this is out of whack. So let's look at it in the present time and say, how do we get to shift this? “And then with that repeated experience of the new way, often people can fall into a new pattern that is more reciprocal. Some people are unwilling, and some people are unable to change.” That's something that I've encountered. There's a whole section in my book called

Someone said this to me a long time ago. It was my chiropractor, actually. Her name is Dr. Cori Stern. My chiropractor in New York was talking about her staff, and she'd fired somebody, and this kind of thing. 

And she was like, listen, the best advice I can give you on life is surround yourself with people, whether it's in business partners, romantic partners, friends who are willing and able to change, grow, do better. And then she stopped, and she went. And it's two separate things. Willing, right? And then able. So the desire, the drive to change, and then can they execute? Can they actually create the new pattern, and can it stick? “And it's quite painful when you find someone who's just one or the other, because that's quite confusing. Because the willing can look like, yes, I want to. Yes, yes, yes, I want to. Yes, I want to. Don't execute.” 

“Right.”

“And some people can execute, but they don't want to.” 

Yes. 

“So, deeply frustrating. I have really been in a deep relationship with willing but not able. That sucks.”

Yeah. 

“Very painful.” 

“Yes. Because the love is there. The desire's there. And also for whatever the words are.” 

“There, they might even do the work, but the work doesn't stick.” 

“Correct? Yes. That is painful. And the disappointment.” And this is one of the things that I get from your work, which is making the implicit explicit, that this is a way to really be conscious, and so-called almost get more data or test it out. Right. That you want to say a little bit more about these contracts. If we're being more conscious, making the implicit more explicit, we get to see and not guess. Right. It's just putting it into action more. And what's the result of that? 

Yeah. The beautiful thing about just having this conversation at all is the word contract. It sounds serious, right? It sounds heavy. And these are little. Often, “so many micro choices that we make that we would never think of it as a contract.” That this person is always 10 minutes late, and that you always go to their house. It just. We fall into it. But if we really take a step back and evaluate where the energy is flowing, who is really more of the giver, who is more of the receiver. What about this isn't working for me? Then we get to keep so many important relationships, including romantic relationships, instead of imploding when something's gone too far. So what would be a great thing for I assume that some people listening are single, and some people who are listening are in relationships. 

“So, for the people who are single and not yet in a relationship, it would be a wonderful thing to evaluate what your past patterns have been and what your past contracts have looked like, either on your own or with somebody who can mirror and reflect to you.” Like, what are the tendencies here? Is this, is there an over-giving pattern? What was it that really pissed you off? And then see and really evaluate how you co-created that pattern. 

Agreed. 

So the next time around, and as you look at potential new partners, you can say, ” Okay, not going to repeat that one. Not going to repeat that one. Like I'm going to co-create something different. 

It's like how am I participating in this experience and noticing I was very much attracted and a willing contributor, co-creator to that dynamic. Yeah, yeah. 

Something from my own life that really just bubbled to the top for me a couple of years ago, as I realized that I was dating men who were very successful in business, who were often volatile and had really dysregulated nervous systems. And what I was, and I would never consciously choose that, but I had to own it, like here we have the pattern. Okay, so I understand why I would go for successful, but why would I co-create this dynamic with a man that I'm the more regulated one, and he gets to regulate off of me, versus we regulate each other, or, you know, they regulate themselves and come to me grounded, like, why would I do that? 

And I realized through a lot of deep work that feeling that I was getting that the payoff of me repeating that pattern was that I got to feel like I was not replaceable, like irreplaceable to these guys, because I could ground them. Like, they could get these. The fun, amazing sides with me, but I was also grounding them in a way that other people couldn't. So that was doing something for me in terms of making me feel like I was lovable and valuable. Invaluable. Yeah, irreplaceable. So I really got to undo that. And that's one of those contracts, almost like the one that I mentioned in the beginning, and projecting this onto you that you would be the strong one in some relationships. But, you know, when we're in this industry, sometimes people decide you're the strong one. 

We agree to that, and then there's a pattern that becomes an unspoken contract over time. 

Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, you're not wrong. I definitely listen and am very empathetic in my role, and I am very caring, and I am curious. And so the dynamic can. If somebody is not aware that I'm not being conscientious, it could be a little skewed. 

Right. 

That I'm doing more of the listening or supporting. But I feel like most of my relationships, there's conscientiousness around. Okay, I've talked for 20 minutes. It's your turn. Or, you know, like, yeah, you're off. 

Like, how are you? 

Yes. Or you go first. 

Maybe listen. 

Yes, yes, yes. 

Skill set to hold space, correct? 

Yes. Yes. 

Everyone has that skill set. Yes. 

I'm grateful that I have some deep friends who have the capacity to your point, not only the willingness, but the capacity to. So can you help people when one is noticing or reflecting on a previous pattern of a tendency, whether or not they're in a relationship, single, but just, okay, I'm noticing some discontent or resentment, or I'm pushing. I'm feeling a little withdrawn from this person. I want to kind of protect myself. Something about it feels off. “How do you help people change that so that there's more conscious intention around what they do want to create and participate in?” 

Sure. So the first thing that I would just guide people to notice is what we're talking about. I don't want to say light examples because over time they become very heavy. “But let's first just point out that if the relationship contract is that they lie and you accept it, or they cheat and you do, they get to keep coming home, that's not something that's in a different category. That's in the category of like, seek help immediately if you're in something that's like a 911- toxic relational contract.” We're talking about things around communication, things around money, things around time, things around effort, things that aren't just straight-up abuse. Right? So first, let's rule out like 911-

We are not talking about that. This is about the different dynamics that we're in. 

So I would decide first, is it a need around this, or is it a preference? Because some of these are just like, not that big of a deal. And it's something that we could kind of even let go, right? Like these lighter preferences. It might feel out of balance, but you could really ask yourself and be like, okay, well, is it worth it? And does this person give back to me in other ways? Is this just me getting a little annoyed, and they're just being human, or am I actually not having a need met? Right. So I would just first put it through that lens before we get into the relational dynamic of like, conversations and rewriting the contract. 

So evaluate and just see, like, is this just kind of a periphery preference or is there a deep need of mine that's not getting met for reciprocity, effort, meeting me, whatever it is. So once you've decided that it actually is a need, that there's a deep need of yours that's not getting met, and without it, you're either not going to be able to continue the relationship, or you're not going to be able to continue happily to be open. And I would first pause and see how you've been participating in it, because it's a partner dance. This is all a partner dance. So all of this happened on your watch, and it might have been for two months, or it might have been for 20 years. It might be 20 years of you driving to their house and them never coming to you. 

Are you always picking up the dinner bill, and they never reciprocate it? So you participated in that because you didn't say, hey, you know what, this time could you. Or, like, I would love it, you know, it would make me feel so special if you would do this. You know you didn't interrupt the pattern in a way that stuck or at all, perhaps. So, just first notice that you participated and you co-created it. And it's not just pointing the finger as they did. They did, they did. So just own that and then decide. I'm assuming that, based on this conversation, we want to rewrite these contracts versus untether and snip the relationships. So let's assume that we're going to rewrite this contract. 

So this would look like first ownership, owner, owning your side of it on your own, and then going to this person and saying, ” You know what, I'm aware of this pattern and I own it. That I just, I haven't brought it up and I want to feel however you want to feel with them. I want to feel connected. I want to feel at ease in your presence. I want to feel comfortable, and this one thing is feeling out of balance to me. And then you can share, make sure that they're tracking with you. Is it okay if I share what it is? Yes, sure. What it is. They might be like, well, I never even knew that bothered you, or why didn't you say something sooner? Or a less conscious or less, you know, ideal answer would not look so positive. 

It would be like, well, that's just how it is. Or you know, I work really hard, so you have to come to me if you want to see me, or you know, and then based on their response, you can take it from there. But the real meat of it is putting the light of awareness on it, owning your side of the co-creation, deciding to have the conversation proactively, and

Right. You can't force them to want to meet you halfway, or come to you, or pay more or less. Plan a date night. You can't force this upon people, but you can give them the opportunity for the highest outcome. 

Yes. And make the need or the longing visible. If it's not visible, like you're saying, somebody would say I had no idea or ” Oh my gosh, why didn't you say something sooner? 

Yeah. 

Yes. 

Or I thought you liked coming to this area of a town because blah, blah, I don't know, I'm happy to come to you. I'd prefer it. Or you just never know. 

Yeah. And I'm curious, Elizabeth, for people who, when you were talking a moment earlier about the difference between a need and a preference, and is it like looking at this scenario, and does it have real significant meaning? Sometimes I think it can be tricky because it might be about something trivial, but it represents something very meaningful, or we attach meaning to it. So, for example, I actually, for whatever reason, this popped into my mind. Years and years ago, I was actually a guest on someone else's podcast, and she was sharing for her husband. She would make lunch for him every day, and she would get home, and it's in the fridge, and she's like, I put all this effort to help him eat and, like, feel nourished and, like, what it meant for her. 

And it felt like he was just like, dismissing it or not. Didn't care about it, but we had to. We kind of unpacked it a little bit. And she was like, it's not so much about the lunch. It's that I don't feel. I think it had to do with. I don't feel like he's receiving my love or that he really is accepting or caring about me. And it had something that was a lot deeper. And sometimes in a relationship, we can feel some insecure feelings about love and belonging that we might attach to, oh, he's turning on the car air conditioning, and he didn't ask me what my temperature was. 

You know what I mean? 

It could feel like not a huge deal, but it can trigger. Can you say a little bit more about what? How can one discern between a need and something that is a preference when it might be? Something trivial might hook this deeper needle. 

Well, you definitely just introduced a layer of nuance and complication, right? Because these surface-level preferences might add up to a theme, or they could have a deeper emotional hook. So with something like, let's just stay on the topic of the lunch, because the lunch isn't really about the lunch, right? No, the lunch is about feeling that her love is being received. So the conversation about lunch with a conscious partner could actually have the opportunity to have that reveal. But this is tough work. And this is why I recommend working with professionals. But because most of us can't always get there on our own, you. 

Know, like, unpack it and understand it. 

See that the lunch is not actually about the lunch. Like, she needed you, right? Like, not that we can't do that work on our own, but it's like looking at the preference, right? Like, I wish that my husband had never had a silly example, didn't cut his hair. He knows I like it this way, but he does it that way. That's a silly kind of like a very superficial preference. But it could be about feeling the deeper need, could be that I need someone who considers me. And the trigger. Right. Is like, I'm not being considered. 

Yes. 

So if you take a look at this superficial preference, and I'm just kind of playing right now, I'm improving with you because the reality is I don't really know the answer beyond working with someone to get underneath that preference and see what's actually driving it. I would say ask yourself, like, maybe put two hands on your heart and say, like, what's this haircut about for me? 

Yes. 

Or what is this lunch about for me? Like, and 

 It's making me feel sad, it's making me feel alone, it's making me feel unloved, and get there by going here. 

Yes. I love that these prompting questions, I think precisely help people slow down to try to understand the deeper layers. And here's a question I like to ask. I don't know where I got it, but it's flipping it. So if the complaint is like, I want you to eat the lunch that I made for you. Right. It would be, what does his eating his lunch allow me to feel? 

What does it provide? 

Yes. Or a personal example that just came to mind. A couple probably a year and a half ago, my husband and I bought our first home, and it happens to have a downstairs one-bedroom rental. And we were hustling to get it renovated so that we could rent it. And we are like jamming. And my husband was like, ” This is overwhelming, this is intense. And I think there was a period, a couple of days, where he just needed to take a little bit of a breather. And I'm still jamming. And I'm like, oh, like I was kind of critical of him. And I was like, what? And I was lying in bed, and I was like, okay, if he were to do X, Y, and Z, which I was critical about, what would that allow me to feel? 

And I was like, oh, I'd get to take a break, or I'd get to relax. And some of these things, if you're having the, like you're saying, if I can discern between the need or the preference or what is this? Like, what's the meaning of this? Perhaps some of it we can give to ourselves or have our own back. And this goes back to the co-creating that, oh, I'm not available for doing all the driving, or I'm not available to be doing all the work for this

I need a break too. 

I need a break, too. Exactly. 

Yeah. But he's permitting himself to take a break, and I'm not. And now I'm angry versus, like, also taking a break. Correct. And did you take that break? 

I believe I did. I found some ways to relax. Yes. 

Nice. 

Yes. Because, I mean, this is something that can really create some wedges, to your point, that can, over time, really impact the quality of the connection. Because we have some things that are interfering that we're not clearing or we're not addressing. Yes. Okay. So when you've given us some really beautiful language around how to potentially address something. I know. With the loved one. I know. You talk about an approach that helps the request or the conversation land more with. With someone. Do you want to say a little bit more about that? 

Sure. So I love Alison Armstrong's work. I don't know if you're familiar with. 

Yes. 

Yes. So she teaches a really beautiful way to make a request. And I call it. So I made some tweaks to it just around the language to simplify, and I call it the empowered conversation cheat sheet. And this is within a romantic relationship. Right. So you would first make sure that the person, your partner, has the time, energy, and space. So you do not spring this on them. Heat of the moment. You don't try to get your needs met in the middle of an argument. It's like, are they fed? Are they well rested? You know, is it a good moment? You can ask them, never, ever say, ” We need to talk. Please, God, don't say that. But this looks like, hey, I would love to check in with you. Is now a good time? Or could tonight be a good time? 

And then be willing to receive their yes or no. All of this is like, okay, you have to be able to handle them saying, no, it's not a good time. Yes. Yeah. And just be able to be like, okay, got it. And then move forward instead of shutting down any way or any step along the way. 

Or I see that you're busy now. Would you be willing to get back to me around what time would be a good time? 

Ooh, love it. Exactly. So then, when you've determined that it's a good time, we're going to start with a neutral tone. Right. This is not a heated moment coming from a grounded place to say, you know, I've noticed a theme here. I've noticed, let's say someone's asking for A date night. So it could be. I'm just gonna use a specific example so that we can. Right. So we've got the right time. It's like, I've noticed that we haven't been having our date nights recently, and I own that. I haven't been putting them on the calendar. I know you haven't been putting them on the calendar. And when we have date nights, it really makes me feel so deeply connected to you. So it's like, what is this? What is the thing? What is it not? What are you not getting that you need? 

But not in a way that you're saying blame. 

It has meaning and significance. Yeah. Yes. 

And saying, I would really love it if we could have. And then the request. I would really love it if we could have a date night twice a month. This wouldn't look like some. And say what it wouldn't look like, and then what it would look like. So this wouldn't look like some big elaborate thing that needs to be planned. We could just go down the street and go to that place we already know. What it would look like is about two hours. 

Having some kind of experience where I can just focus on you, and you can just focus on me. You know, what do you think? And then really allowing the other person to say, ” No, I can't. Yes, I can. 

No, I would need it to be once a month. Or how about every week and really receiving them, and then once you've negotiated, what could work for both of you? Asking them if there's anything they need to deliver on this new agreement, which people don't do, most of these steps. It's actually a bit tedious. Right. Like, if you have a need to really work all of those steps, however, it's effective. 

It is effective.

The person is feeling engaged and partnered the entire time. They're not being talked at. They're not being blamed. They're a co-creator. You're asking them to dance with you. Like, oh, I own that I did this. That also means we don't have this thing I need. What can we do together? What would this look like for you? You know, what do you need? 

It's really collaborative the whole time instead of blaming. And then the person gets to leave that conversation feeling that you guys made a decision together and not that they were told that they have to do something. 

Yeah, the demand or obligation. 

Yeah. It feels a bit clunkier, a bit tedious. It's effective. 

It is effective, it's worth it. You know, it really sets this up for success because someone who's on the receiving end could feel a bit more, like you said, brought into the fold, the vulnerability of getting to see what really matters, and the tenderness of the person they love. Like, typically that's gonna help us lean in. Or even just saying, like, once we've established time, space, and the like setting, even leading with like, I'm a little nervous. Right. Or this is a feeling that is not quite comfortable. And I want to bring it up because I love you and I care about you and this matters to me, so hang in there with me. Right. 

Or if you're closer to you. 

Correct. 

Yes. 

And so, as someone's listening, they might be able to feel a little more grounded. Like, this provides a little bit more of that foundation. So someone can feel safe opening up and being in this collaborative space. And I really appreciate the last question around. What would you? Or excuse me, like what would you need or what would be helpful for you in this?“Because sometimes people will say yes, and they haven't really contemplated, they can't pull it off.”

“Yeah. So you're helping them to the throwback, to the other point about willing and able. You're helping them be more able. Yes. You're helping them execute.” Right. Like you're saying, like, what is it that you might need? They might say, could you please send me a calendar invite? Or could we have a repeating calendar invite? Or could you just. I'm happy to make the time, but I get stressed out always picking the place. Could you pick the place each time? Can we use the budget for this from the other item? You know, it could be financial. Usually it's like money, time. 

Yeah. 

So, really being a partner. 

Yes, and I think this gets at what the person needs that might be interfering with it happening. Right. So if it's not given a little bit of room, we might miss that. That there's some obstacles that we didn't look at that might likely come up. Right. And then we'll have another conversation. So if it gets missed, we'll have another conversation. However, if we can give room for it's not just about the one person, it's the co-creation, as you're saying. 

That's right. 

Okay, great. I love it. Okay. So you also talk about if, like, well, I guess just really quickly, if one person is not as receptive to the request, and this is like a consistent theme or pattern, do you want? Is this kind of like going into that they're not capable or they don't want to? 

Willing or able. 

Yeah. 

I've noticed that 

And then some tough decisions need to be made. Right. About whether you can actually thrive in this dynamic, or whether there needs to be space in this dynamic, or whether you may, over time, need to make the powerful decision to exit and untether from this dynamic. And I believe in untethering so much, mindfully, when it's the right time, that I wrote a whole chapter on it in my book. There's a whole chapter on untethering because it's one of the hardest things to do for many of us, to call it and go, I'm just not going to actually be able to get my needs met in this. 

So I would say if there's a theme of not getting your needs met or your person not being receptive to your needs or not being able to execute, you've got some choices to make. You know, life is short, and really being in a dynamic that isn't workable is really painful, and it's a stealer of joy. And I personally would. I'd rather be single than be with somebody who is continuously unwilling or unable to meet my needs. It's just too painful. Right. That would be my choice if I had to choose one of the two. 

Yeah. 

Any of us has to choose one or the other, but. Yeah. 

Well, thank you. And I will make sure that people have your book, how to access your book, because this writing whole chapter, it definitely lends towards having some support, because this is, as you said, extremely painful. 

These are big topics, and I love the conversation of love and relationships. I mean, it's just so juicy and nuanced and full of beauty and pain and worthy of all the art that we create about it. And, you know, half of my book, which is Made for Magic, is really about how we operate in relationships because that's one of our main sources of power, or it can really siphon our power. 

Yes, agreed. I know we're wrapping up, but do you want to say anything about the nos you give people a script around a soft no that helps keep the connection, or a hard no that really sets a firm boundary? Is there anything that you want to say about that before we wrap up? 

Sure. So a soft No might be hard to come by. like, we're in a kind of charged climate at this time. But 

So, oh, no, thank you, I don't want more, or no thank you, that time doesn't work for me. How about this? And women? I'm not sure if it's so charged for men, but I know that women have a very complicated relationship with the word No. And some of us, it takes us so long to even find our own that when we find it's harsh and it's strong and we can overdo it. And this is just once a woman. 

I'd say if you need to overcorrect and find that and be harsh at first, just give yourself some grace. But also know that once you've found your voice and you're able to set boundaries, that the hard no is really for like someone crossing a boundary or a need not being met, or you need something. And the soft no is just the nuance of like, no, thank you. 

That is super helpful. Thank you. And I know you write so much more in your book, and will you say the name of your book again? 

Oh, absolutely. So I happen to have one. The book is called Made for Magic, and I'm giving a free chapter. Actually, @madeformagicbook.com, you can get the first chapter for free. We will email it to you so you can see, like, is this my cup of tea? Do I vibe with Elizabeth's voice? People usually love it and need the rest of the book, and read it all quite quickly. It's a very fast, helpful, juicy read. I'd be so honored if you read the first chapter and then read the whole book. So yeah, the website is madeformagicbook.com, and it's my honor to be able to share my light with you in that way. 

Wonderful. I'll make sure to have the link to that free chapter, that gift. Thank you for sharing on our show notes. And is there anything else you want to say about how people can connect with you or what you're offering? 

Oh, sure. So I'm Positively Elizabeth online. So that's Instagram, that's my website, and I share a lot of free resources. I have a Love Beam email that's on my website. I send out articles about human behavior, positive psychology, personal and client stories, and lots of tools. I really believe that this needs to be accessible. And then, if you get a sense of my ways, use my free resources. There are always other things that you can dive more deeply into, and those are on my website. But feel free to just be in a relationship with me in terms of my free offerings at first, and my book. 

Excellent. 

Very low risk, high reward. 

Yeah. All right. I'll make sure to have all of those links on today's show notes. Thank you, Elizabeth. 

Thank you.