Being Too Critical In A Relationship
Criticism in relationship is a behavior that can be toxic to the couple. It erodes away positive feelings over time and leads to other problematic behaviors that can destroy the connection. My intention for this article is to help you understand when criticism in relationship is too much to handle.
While constant criticism in relationship can easily occur, it also is a major predictor of divorce according to John Gottman, a major couples researcher. It is very tough to be around someone who is constantly remarking about your flaws and blaming you for your shortcomings. Over time, being too critical in relationship will whittle away at the health and joyful parts of the connection.
Criticism in relationship occurs when we focus on our partner’s flaws and pass judgment. It is expressed through disapproving, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or fixing.
Constant criticism is not constructive, encouraging, or inspiring. The act of being critical focuses on the negative aspects and does not offer useful information for solutions and improvement. Criticism attacks someone’s character rather than addresses specific behaviors (i.e. “You are selfish. Rather than, “I would love your help with planning our upcoming trip”).
A critical attack focuses only on one aspect of the person or situation. It is natural to want to point out all the areas that do not fit into the critical statement. It is normal to feel defensive, and want to defend against the critical attack. Most people don't know how to take criticism in a relationship because it is draining, adversarial, and depleting.
10 Signs That You Might Be Too Critical In A Relationship
Most people who are being too critical in a relationship are not even aware of it. Here are some indicators to help alert you to the fact that you may be more critical than you think:
© Stuart Richards | Flickr
1. You are very critical of yourself when you make a mistake (i.e. what do you automatically tell yourself when you make a mistake?). If you are highly critical with yourself, then you are probably highly critical of others.
2. Your parents were highly critical and/or had high expectations.
3. You tend to be a perfectionist.
4. You tend to offer editorial commentary on others appearance, home, and choices.
5. Your loved ones tell you that you are critical.
6. You are easily offended and insulted.
7. It is easier to find fault than praise. You will find the flaw rather than the positive.
8. Even if your partner does 90% of a task, you focus on the 10% that is incomplete. You get preoccupied with how your partner didn’t complete the task to your liking, and you forget to focus on the value of your partner’s effort and help.
© Gareth Williams | Flickr
9. You micromanage. You have a hard time letting go. If your partner didn’t complete a task in your preferred way, you will go afterward and fix it to your liking.
10. You tend to view others mannerisms and behavior as negative. As Steven Stosny jokes in his article about criticism, people will say “I give feedback; you’re critical. I’m firm; you’re stubborn. I’m flexible; you’re wishy-washy. I’m in touch with my feelings; you’re hysterical!”
Only when we feel comfortable with our own choices — and embrace our own imperfections — We will stop feeling the driving need to criticize others. ~ Brene Brown
16 Reasons Why You Might Be Too Critical In A Relationship
1. You have to be in control.
2. Things need to be your way. You are used to getting what you want. You are attached to your preferences and things being a certain way.
3. You think your way is the right or correct way. Being critical of others validates your thinking, position, and perspective.
4. You think if you can manage the world around you, anxiety and vulnerability will go away. It is hard to look inward at your own internal discomfort (i.e. feeling anxious or not good enough).
5. Being critical of others helps you feel in power and dominant by focusing on others weaknesses or shortcomings.
6. You grew up in a critical environment and you learned that this is how things are supposed to be.
7. Criticizing has become a bad habit. You don’t know how to relate and get attention any other way. It is the way you have connected with others…talking about others, comparing, complaining, criticizing.
8. You doubt your value and worth. It is easier to try to defend against the vulnerable feelings by criticizing others rather than dealing with your own feelings of inadequacy and self-esteem. You criticize others before they have a chance to criticize you.
9. Your criticism of others is a reflection of what you do to yourself. Your internal voice and dialogue is highly critical.
10. Being critical of others keeps people from getting too close. You feel more protected and less vulnerable.
11. Criticism distracts you and helps you avoid how you really feel. If you are scared or stressed about something, it can be easier to criticize others rather than look at your own feelings, imperfections, and shortcomings.
12. You want to feel better about areas in your life where you don’t feel good enough so you compare yourself to others so you can be seen as more favorable.
13. You worry about what people will think of you and you try to protect your self-image. You think your external surroundings reflect on your identity and how others will view you.
14. You feel overly responsible for others. You think you are trying to help and you think your feedback is necessary to help guide or facilitate their growth.
15. You feel strongly about an issue, but you do not know how to communicate directly with someone. It is difficult to speak up and advocate for your preferences. Instead, the issue keeps bothering and pestering you. You seem to get more annoyed and critical as the issue festers.
16. You are harboring hurt feelings and resentment about something. You do not feel confident about resolving an issue with your partner. You feel irritated and critical with your partner because you cannot clear the hurt.
The information provided in this list is direct but for reference. If you find yourself having a reaction after reading through the list, please take a deep breath and relax. If you feel blamed or judged, please let that go. I recommend reading a follow-up article to this one called 17 Ways To Shift Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship. The article discusses how criticism in relationship can be managed in a more positive and constructive way.
Are you interested in getting support for being too critical in relationship? If so, contact me here. Let's have a conversation to see how I might be able to help. No obligations. The consultation is free of charge.
I would also love to hear your thoughts on the signs of being too critical in relationship. Please leave me a comment below.
Thank you for taking the time to improve the quality of your life and relationships.
Thank you. ❤
Very informative article. Thanks for sharing…..I think much of the criticism that flows between spouses is just a carry over from the way we interact with our children. We get so use to barking out orders (shut the door, go to bed, comb you hair, brush your teeth, etc.) that it naturally or habitually continues with our partners. And when we bark out the commands it is often in an angry or impatient voice. Unfortunately the more this happens the more we tend to avoid our spouses in order to minimize the conflict….or when our boiling point is reached, we say and do things that are not in the best interest of the relationship. I know…been there, done that.
Thank you for your comment, Ken. I agree. It can be stressful and challenging to deal all the tasks and responsibilities of parenting and running a household, not to mention all the other duties that go along with having a life and career. You describe the snowball effect well. I am such a fan of taking moments to decompress, regroup, and refuel. When I do this, I am so much more able to approach situations in the way that I intend. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and openness to share. Thank you!!
If I see that every morning when I work from home my partner is rushing to get the kids out the door to day care and is 5 or so minutes late, everytime. She is able to stay in the home. I pay all the bills. I also know that this is happening on days when I am not there. It is very hard to rush 3-5 Yo’s, things just take time. I think she needs to get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 8 to give her self (and the kids) more time so she can start some of the process’s earlier. Usually I am gone to work as I leave the house at 6:30. I think this would alleviate the stress or being late every day. I’m worried that suggesting such a thing would cause a “conflict” where she would be mad at me. So therefore I won’t say anything. I guess I just don’t know how to be. I really like/want to talk discuss everything and she doesn’t. I realized that her and I have different definitions of peace. She feels peaceful when there is no “confrontation” even if that means we don’t talk. I want to talk about everything. I want to work through everything and have all our feelings out on the table. I’m very much and extrovert and she is an introvert, in terms of wanting to interact physically or emotionally. I feel like we are so different. Our conversations allways go so poorly, I end up feeling like I’m so wrong and in order to have the closeness that I crave I just “can’t say anything”. I’m not even clear on what is reasonable or ok to say/suggest.
We have been living together for a year. She has the kids from a previous relationship.
35yo Male
Hi Ryan,
Thank you so much for posting a comment. I responded to this comment a couple of weeks ago. However, I was out-of-town in another country. It looks like it did not go through. I would love to speak to your question. Do you listen to my podcast? If so, may I answer your question using your name? Thank you so much for commenting. I really appreciate your desire and effort to improve your relationship!
If I were her, despite them being kids from a prior relationship, I would be frustrated that my partner doesn’t help with the kids. Instead of focusing on her waking earlier, is there some adjustment you can make in your schedule? Maybe twice a week. I don’t have all the facts, but the question I have is what level of disruption to your routine are you willing to accept to alleviate your partner’s stress?
Hi Jamar, Thank you for commenting. I will be responding to your question in an upcoming podcast. Please stay tuned. https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Thank you for your personal view on being overly critical. Your article is overly critical of critical people. Start with yourself before judging others.
Hi ST,
Thank you for commenting. Would you be willing to share more about how you feel this article is being overly critical of critical people? I think “being critical” is more of a behavior that people participate in. I tend to not see people as “critical people.” Also, I personally strive to practice everything I teach, and I know I can definitely be critical at times. I do my best to work with these practices. I realize how challenging relationship dynamics can be. I am sensitive to how painful they can be. I look forward to hearing back from you. Thank you. Jessica
Love the article. Would be interested in hearing comment about constructive criticism and the difficulty of using it in a constructive rather than destructive manner.
Hi Andrew,
Thank you for commenting. You may be interested in this article. https://drjessicahiggins.com/17-ways-to-shift-criticism-to-maintain-a-healthy-relationship/ or this podcast https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-039-how-to-shift-criticism-into-powerful-communication/. Please let me know if you still have a question. I would be happy to create a podcast or article on your topic. Thank you.
Hi there – I’ve been in dire need to read this tonight. I’ve been feeling disconnected emotionally from my S.O and found that my voice of control and criticism have been very loud lately. To the point where I’m nitpicking and getting more reactive around him just based off my own narratives! Instinctively, I have been feeling like I am a huge contributor with my energy of criticism. It’s come out in very small ways like judging and almost ‘distrusting’ that he could do small tasks and then overanalysing his choices in my own time! That’s how I know I’ve got a real buzz kill going on for me which is trickling into the r/ship and I want to change it.
I’ve NEVER liked being criticised and is a wound from childhood and I addressed that with him very early on, that I find it hard to open up when criticism is in the room. Now, it’s time to reciprocate that same grace back to him/our relationship and eventually, myself.
I struggle to think worthiness is an unchanged, state of being and that It’s not defined by what I do… that’s gonna take another 10 years to unlearn and I’m scared it could push me further away from the intimacy that I want and crave.
Thank you for your articles. I will be reading how to shift it, 💚
Hi Shaina, Thank you so much for sharing and taking the time to comment. It seems that you have a lot of awareness and are taking ownership of this tendency. I imagine you are SO much closer to shifting out of this dynamic than you think. The more that you can recognize what you are needing on the inside, the more opportunities you have to take care of that need and/or ask for what you want proactively. Please let me know if you would like more support. I offer many articles, podcasts, videos and a course on helping people address this tendency. Keep up the great work!
I am sad to say I identified with almost every behavior in this article. I know I am overly critical. I just don’t know how to stop it. I also know it is a protective mechanism. It pushes people away so I don’t get too close and risk rejection. It is a very sad and lonely existence, even if you have a partner. Nothing is ever good enough. Trying to learn that not everything has to be perfect is an ongoing battle. I wonder what your thoughts are on the connection between being overly critical and depression & anxiety. I live with both and some days it is a battle just to get out of bed and be somewhat productive.
Hi Marie,
Thank you for commenting and sharing. I hear your concern, and I can empathize with how painful this can feel at times. I do have thoughts regarding your question. However, I am not sure I can do it justice here in a comment. Would you be open to me creating a podcast episode on this topic? I think many other people would benefit from this topic.
I am having a similar experience to Marie. Is there a podcast on this subject I can listen to?
Hi Louise, thank you for sharing. Yes, I did a three part series on criticism, complaints, and blame. Please check out episode 65, 66, 67. Also, I am thinking you may also get value out of episode 52 about understanding attachment needs. Please let me know if I can be of any support to you. Or if you have an additional question. Thank you.
So interesting! I’m in a relationship with someone that is frequently critical and disapproving of things I do/don’t do.
I believe it’s mental/verbal abuse.
Any info from a receiver of criticism, perspective?
Thanks!
Hi Dianna, Thank you for taking the time to comment. Yes, you can check out my podcast. I have a few episodes that you may be interested in. https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-055-what-to-do-when-you-are-feeling-criticized-in-relationship/, https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-057-how-to-avoid-enabling-your-partners-destructive-behavior/, https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-025-be-the-best-you-can-be-in-relationship/. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you.
Your article did nothing but make me mad. I felt like you were criticizing me personally. One blow after another after another. Followed by one life example after another. I saw flashes of people being mad at me. All of them ganging up on me in little boxes all over my mind all talking at the same time. Followed by slamming of doors. Alone as I sit here after a blow up with the only sibling I have on Christmas day because I was “too critical” I hate it! I hate being so abnormal. So different. I hate how people all laugh and can be in a room and get a long and my opening my mouth only brings out strange looks and dislike. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to be just like everyone else and pass for normal and I hate how many times I say the word hate as much as I hate I am too poor to afford any type of counseling. I guess that’s why I stay home. I want to be normal. I want to be accepted. I want people to say nice things about me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just wish people would like me. Just how some people get along with everyone and seem like they are really enjoying it. It is so easy for them and for me it is not. I disagree so much with peoples choices, decisions, the way they do things.
There are so many things that cause me great angst. Like a boyfriend who rushes through assembling furniture and has pieces left over! I never have left over pieces. I always assemble things perfectly. Why can’t people do the same? Why do they refuse to do things how I do them when it is obviously a better way or even a superior way of doing it? I show them because I want to save them time, pain, or a bad time. I don’t do it because I want to be better, put them down, bring them down, or be superior. Why do they get mad when my way is the best way in certain situations?
Or my mother who got mad because I wanted to show her how to properly cut a bell pepper because she was hacking it to pieces? Why do people cut vegetables all kinds of different sizes don’t they know that they won’t all taste the same when you cook them? Think of heat dispersement, thickness etc… Like someone who makes a steak skinny on one side and fat on the other. HELLOOOOO I know they aren’t dumb but why not just do it right? What’s the problem and why get mad when I point it out?
Or my sister who didn’t know how to load a dishwasher properly and was going to do two loads. So I said that’s not how you load a dishwasher. I took everything out and managed to fit two loads in 1 perfectly with even some space left over. Why can’t that be appreciated? Why is it seen as a personal attack. It makes me so mad. I feel so unappreciated. They should all be grateful.
Or the cute guy who asked me to help him with his nutrition. So I told him to just take pictures of whatever he ate throughout the day. Every picture I commented as he said “too harsh and too rough and nothing he was doing was right” well if someone wants to have a six pack everything he was doing was absolutely wrong. I was doing nothing but giving him exactly what he wanted. I deliver. I’m loyal. I’m faithful. I won’t fail you or anyone I love. Yet it seems that is all I do. Fail at making people love and stay in love with me.
People ask me for advice and when I give it to them they can’t take it. They get mad or offended. I don’t like the effort it takes to manipulate words around to keep people around. However, I hate being alone even more.
Being excluded is a feeling I am all too familiar with. Seeing on Facebook people go behind my back and have a girls day etc.. I no longer have any social media because I can’t take seeing those I know do things without me or not inviting me.
This article did nothing but bringing out pain. I endured it till the end to see if you offered a solution then when you didn’t I was mad. As if I had been punched in the face and I didn’t even get to criticize your response / solution to the problem.
P.S. I did try therapy once with a licensed family therapist. After I poured my heart out the therapist said. “It is really hard to be your friend. It’s like walking on eggshells” That pissed me off because it didn’t really offer a solution.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry you are hurting! I didn’t see this post until just now. I need to find out how to get emailed when someone posts a comment. I appreciate your patience in my reply.
I hear you. It is extremely painful to feel so misunderstood and disconnected! It sounds like you have the best intentions to be honest, helpful, and authentic. You are right…many people have difficulty hearing feedback or corrective comments. This is especially true when the connection within the relationship feels already tense or strained. People have the tendency to project and interpret based on their fears and insecurities, which makes interacting extremely complicated and difficult.
I KNOW you are truly worthy!!! Nothing is innately wrong with you!! My intention for writing this article was to address what is often going on for people that find themselves criticizing others. Most often people criticize other’s because they have some pain or unmet need. I wanted to offer some insight into people’s experiences, so that people could reflect on their own process. Gaining awareness is helpful into taking steps towards relating differently. My next article I offered 17 ways to shift criticism https://drjessicahiggins.com/17-ways-to-shift-criticism-to-maintain-a-healthy-relationship/. I also created a relationship guide for how to turn criticism into powerful communication.
However, I don’t know if you identify as being highly critical. It seems like other people are accusing you of being critical. If this article does not resonate with you, then I would look into other resources. It sounds like something is happening within your interactions with others. If you are getting a consistent message from others across the board (people other than your family), then it might be worth asking yourself “what I am doing that is conveying criticism, when my intention is to help?” Again, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. This question will work best when it comes from wonder and curiosity. “How is it that the message I am sending is not being received?” “what is getting mixed up within my communication with others?”
I believe in you.
Dear Anonymous.
Just to let you know, I understand what you are saying. Just so you know you are made like that for a reason you just haven’t found it. Although you will be misunderstood because people are getting more stressed and sensitive as the days grow. However I have found out that most people are not ready for suggestions yet they present themselves as wanting it. You can’t help everyone.
Try writing your thoughts down and give it to the person you want to feedback , I have started doing that with my husband because recently every vowel that comes from my mouth sounds like criticism to him and I genuinely mean well but I discovered that I am not the problem but I am seen as the problem.
Try the Myers Briggs personality test online and discover why you are the way you are.
I like you from how you sound and I would recommend you start writing books. I have written 2 books and working on my 3rd. Also try reading books and extend your social circle.
In books I find good friend ships.
People are very insecure these days and unfortunately you may marry one or have them as siblings/ friends and family . Just accept that they are made like that or have had bad experiences and can’t be fixed by you no matter how much you try.
Great suggestions.
Dear anonymous – it’s been 6 years since you wrote your comment, if you aren’t following the replies perhaps my comment may resonate with another reader. I read other people’s replies, and agree with them all. I can see that you are coming from a place of love and I am so sorry that the people in your life can’t see that. Even if you were ‘helpful’ I would find it hard to receive endless suggestions – I would feel as though nothing I could do was right. However, I appreciate that it’s likely that EVERYTHING I do could be improved. I believe one small helpful suggestion at a time, let one sink in and give me/the person a chance to try it out. Then offer the next one. Maybe that would be an easier pill to swallow. Also, a compliment or praise for something I was doing well would help (not followed up with a suggestion – even if you saw where an improvement could be made).
When I read your comment I was nodding wishing you’d come into my life and assess me! If you could save me time and increase my efficiency – I’d be grateful.
Also from your words – it looks like you felt attacked by the blog post. Attacked personally. You weren’t, the author even replied to you. I think you’ve been rejected and unappreciated for so long that it’s worn you down and your perception has turned negative. Stop and reflect on what you think and feel – not what others do or say which impacts your feelings. Be happy in your success, you are clearly excellent at learning from your mistakes and want to help others.
That’s a wonderful trait.
If you are difficult to like, as the therapist said – think about those who do like you – maybe you haven’t met someone yet but they are just around the corner. Won’t it be worth so much more to have that person see you and accept you.
Good luck, stay true to yourself.
Hi Stacie, Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate your intention to offer support and encouragement. We need each other to hold space and belief in one another. Thank you for your contribution.
It’s extremely easy, you just have to think of the big picture rather than the little picture.
What is great, overarching goal of interacting with this person?
Is it to cut a bell pepper perfectly?
Or is it to promote a harmonious relationship, filled with laughter, closeness, and good times?
Obviously the latter. Now, does criticizing how they cut a bell pepper promote a harmonious relationship, filled with laughter, closeness, and good times?
No. It doesn’t. It promotes anger, distance, and dislike.
You might not realize it, but YOU are the one being irresponsible and heedless here, not them. You have forgotten the goal.
Keep that goal in the forefront of your mind at all times, whenever you interact with them. Before you say or do anything, ask yourself, “Will what I’m about to say or do promote a harmonious relationship, filled with laughter, closeness, and good times?”
If the answer is no, then do not proceed. Always keep your goal in mind, first and foremost. Closely monitor your own speech and behavior, and keep yourself on task.
You will be positively ASTOUNDED at how much more people like you.
And no MBTI excuses, please. I’m an ENTJ, and diplomacy is hardly our natural forte… especially if the ENTJ in question is also Enneagram 8, which I also am.
In the end, it boils down not to what the other people are doing or not doing, but in having the wisdom to recognize the true goal, and cultivating enough self-discipline to stay on task.
Hi Hazel, Thank you so much for taking the time to share your perspective and experience. I appreciate your discernment, clarity and focus! I also love your guiding principle. I have found it to also be incredibly valuable when interacting with my loved ones. For me, it is what matters most…the connection, bond and relationship. I don’t abandon my voice, but I do find ways to also be considerate of the person I am relating to. Not also easy, but as you said it is the long term goal. I couldn’t agree with you more.
As we read and respond to comments, I want to invite us all to keep in mind that people write from a moment in time and we often have little to no insight into their lived experience. I appreciate everyone being sensitive and gentle with one another. Thank you!
I am paid to be critical and I’m really good at it! As a small business consultant I have indulged my worst flaw. Thank you for this post. I have eroded the closeness in my marriage because I was unconsciously ultra critical. I am very aware of it now, not just reading your post but through thoughtful self examination and in my perfectionist way (LOL) will strive to do better. When I am kind to myself, I am automatically kind to others.
Hi Cathie,
Thank you for taking the time to post. You are so right. A critical mind is a huge asset and resource in many aspects of life. When it comes to relationship, it is helpful to add some transparency, vulnerability, and warmth to the mix. Easier said than done, when emotions are high.
I love your thoughtfulness and intention to be more conscious. It is a process for sure. I believe it is well worth the investment though. Did you check out my 17 ways to shift criticism and the free guide too?
Keep up the wonderful work!!!!
Pretty much every comment resonates with how I act, & how I feel! I’m a self confessed perfectionist, which I don’t necessarily see as a bad thing, but the over critical aspect of that , has become a major problem to my family,friends, workmates & myself. Thankfully I now recognise this major flaw in my character & will strive to take your advice about being more positive & praising rather than negative & critical to people. Thanks to the other people’s comments, & your advice, I feel quite liberated now I’ve recognised & admitted to myself that I have this problem.
Hi Matt, Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I love that you recognize your positive intentions and realize that your high aspirations are a good thing. Learning to incorporate some positivity in your approach will definitely support you and your relationships. As with most things, the practice becomes easier with time and repetition. Wishing you all the best! Jessica
Yup. I can relate to the comments of Anonymous – Dec 2016. Doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it (I’ve been on those assertiveness and soft skills courses!) the likely reaction of people is that I’m being a critical / judgemental *****. I do have high standards as I work as a professional freelancer, so I have to perform outstandingly or I don’t get the work. But it’s so unfair that others get better jobs than I do even though the quality of their work is worse! And the clients never complain … Some even prefer it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that doing excellent work, having higher standards and not accepting less from others makes people feel inferior and people would rather surround themselves with others those don’t make them feel that way even though they may provide substandard services, even substandard relationships.
I’ve bent over backwards accommodating people who don’t make any allowances for me even when their behaviour is heinous and sometimes illegal, so how fair is it that I’m demonised for wanting more from myself and others? Why am I the one Who is wrong?
I never used to criticize anybody, was kind, patient, considerate and caring. But life threw me emotional vampires and users who bled me dry and left me wondering what the point of it all was when I’m surrounded by so many self absorbed individuals who didn’t want to know me after they made it through their crap to the other side. I just got thrown away!
Yes I’m jaded, yes I’m critical, yes my parents were never satisfied and had high expectations. But no, things are often good enough, no I don’t redo something imperfect, no I don’t always find the negative, no I’m not a control freak, no I’m not depressed and no I don’t always have to be right! Because mainly everybody else is shouting me down because everybody else on this planet can’t stand being wrong!
What I’ve realised is that those of us who get told we are too critical just can’t stand the mediocrity of life. I’ve tried to embrace it, but it just seems pointless when I know that with more effort it could be so much more.
Thank you Christina for taking the time to comment. I appreciate your input. I hear you and totally support the importance of having high aspirations and quality standards. I have found my best success when I hold my self to my personal best. Yes, of course we are going to learn from and be inspired by our peers, and at times compare ourselves to others (in the comparison game we can come out ahead or we can come up short). As you mentioned, this can be very helpful when we are looking for professional standards and guidelines. When it comes to the personal, this comparison information is limited, as we are all coming from a difference backgrounds and experiences. It is so hard to personally qualify and judge “who is better.”
This article was intended to support couples in relationship. Often times, couples get caught up in who is right, rather than trying to understand each other. Also, it is common for one person to have a strong voice or more dominant personality. Over time, the relationship dynamic can be skewed to the preferences of the more vocal one. Typically, this is not sustainable, as the quieter one starts to feel as though the relationship doesn’t represent them. My encouragement is to work towards a mutually beneficial environment and shared agreements, where both people have a voice. In my opinion, agreements work best when both people are engaged and feel good about the agreements.
In my line of work, I find that people who lead with criticism often have a difficult time expressing their feelings. When they take issue with their partner, their partner is likely to get defensive and totally miss the fact that their partner has upset feelings. Then, conflict ensues.
Again, my goal is to help people experience more connection and relationship, and through collaboration they can work towards their best shared decisions and agreements.
I get criticized so much by my husband that I wait until he is gone to do anything. Then he criticizes me for not doing anything. I feel that I have to hide everything from him. He is very critical of his brother, his best friend and even the dog. Critical people just can’t leave others alone, they always have to have the last word. I feel no sense of belonging in my home.
Hi Shari, I am so sorry to hear about your experience. I wonder if he would be open to listening to some of the ERP podcasts about criticism. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you.
This article describes exactly what I’ve been through with a childless critical partner. We have been dating for 9 months. He has criticized or complained about over the months from how I walked to how I talked, how I dress (“can you cover up your cleavage” “that legging is too tight. I don’t want you to wear them unless I’m around”, my parenting style, everything I can’t list all here. The accumulation of his hypercriticism have caused some resentment. I am now feeling hurt than ever. I felt unappreciated of my individuality, disrespected, unsupported, and unloved. Do you think criticism defines love? Is it worth to give this relationship another try?
Hi Mai, Thank you for reaching out. I hear how painful it is to be on the receiving end of criticism. Most often, people do not intend to be critical, rather than are trying to express a need. Unfortunately, it is hard to understand what that need is when it is not named and communicated clearly. I hope that you have been able to check out the free guide and the Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication. These will provide many tools and resources to shift our of critical dynamics. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like more support. You can email me at [email protected].
Hello Jessica,
Thank you for the article…one of a few I read after seeking wisdom on giving and receiving criticism. and old enough (nearly 70) to have experienced this. However, my current focus is towards the emotional silence that can occur despite the best attempts with regard to timing, words etc. It would appear that being able to receive and respond, not react, to criticism in a calm way is a true goal. I have experienced folk, e.g. my ex, who would initially take three days to cool down…towards the end of our marriage that was down to hours and sometimes minutes. The emotional distancing kills me but I’ve learnt to accept that folk have varying ‘getting back together times’ and with partners you have to hope that they find their own way to this end.
Thanks again for the article and will read the others.
Paul
Hi Paul,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Yes, these dynamics can be so painful. Criticism, distance, and disconnect are extremely difficult, especially when you are the one that is ready for repair. I hope that you and your ex have been getting the support you need to create more connection. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Thank you.
Hi there,
How do you suggest this problem to your spouse. We have been married for 7 years together for 11.
My husband critisizes his breakfast lunch and dinner i feed him. And if i do good on it he doesn’t say anyrhing but oh good you didnt burn it. I dont burn the food its just his way of saying he didnt,like what I made..
He also does this with laundry, getting his clothes out. Buying the food. Housework and,my job. My side of the family i havent seen in 6 years. I work from home I own my own daycare and im going to college full time and we have four children 13, 7, 9 and 1. I feel very neglected and i havent heard something,nice in years. I have tried talking to him about my feeling that he hurts them his response is I dont have feelings. I’m just at a point where I feel I should give up because he doesnt care to listen or communicate to me anymore., please any advice.
-Ang
Hi Ang, Thank you for reaching out. Have you tried suggesting coaching, counseling or taking a course together?
Lately I find myself being very critical in my relationship and a lot of the things mentioned under the ‘reasons why’ list resonated with me. I think this act of being critical is just the tip of the iceberg and I should have found myself in therapy long ago to try and uncover it all. I haven’t even committed to an exclusive relationship with this person I’m so critical of. I don’t want my criticism to get in the way of having a successful relationship but I by not being critical at all I can find myself with a partner I’m not compatible with only leading to more conflict down the line. It can be so hard to find a healthy balance.
Hi Chelsey, Thank you for commenting. Please let me know if I can be of support. Also, the Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication course would also provide a lot of support, guidance and strategies to work through these patterns.
I like your article. I was really keen on making my own blogging website also. I realize it will be hard yet I’ll unquestionably take your tips in for reference. Much appreciated once more.
Wishing you all the best!!
Interesting article, I came across this when I was trying to figure out why my partner calls me hyper critical. I really don’t think I am. I know most people would say that but I am very self aware. I never blame or control, however, I am truthful. If my partner asks for my opinion on something he has done I am honest, not brutally but I will point out alternatives by saying “maybe try doing it this way’ or ‘this might work’.
Personally I don’t think this is hypercritical…maybe I’m wrong! It’s causing major problems though as Ive started to find that I am censoring myself and walking on eggshells in case he feels I’m being critical.
I know he has told me that all he has known in life is criticism (we’ve been together just over 2 years) so I figure it’s his own insecurities surfacing but how do I have that conversation with someone who thinks I’m being critical?
Hi Kit,
Thank you for your comment. I hear you. It is difficult to know in relationship, “What is yours? And what is mine?” Curious, have you looked at the free guide, where there are side by side comparisons? Here it is for easy access: https://drjessicahiggins.com/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication Let me know if this helps at all.
Dr. Higgins, did you ever hear back from Ryan, the commenter above that you asked to use as an example for a podcast? I am experiencing very similar dynamic with my wife. We have more open communication than he expressed but any recommendation I make is interpreted as a criticism.
Hi Cole, Thank you for commenting. No, I did not. If you would like to be on the show, I offer free live laser coaching. https://drjessicahiggins.com/ask-dr-jessica-higgins/ Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you.
Dr. Higgins,
I’ve long known my internal voice is overly critical and even demeaning. I’ve internalized it so much that I often don’t realize the negativity I’m feeding myself. What makes me aware of it is when I become overly critical of my spouse or children, thinking that it’s my job to point these things out as a husband or father. I absolutely HATE how I feel … like a raw nerve… in these times. Transforming criticism to compassion and nurturing is my goal, and your article (and linking article) gives me hope to turning this around. Thank you!
Hi Alan,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Shifting out of criticism is a process for sure, as it can be extremely habitual. I hope that you have a chance to access the free guide too. There are so many resources and supports tools I can share with you. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you.
I am critical of a part of my girlfreinds body that cannot be changed and don’t want to end the relationship but it causes me great anxiety. Don’t want to leave the relationship but it is something that may never go away for me internally and it’s making be very unhappy. I really like her in so many other ways and hate this.
Do I stay or do I go?
Hi Bill,
Thank you for commenting. I will be responding to your question in an upcoming podcast. Please stay tuned. https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
I appreciate this content – it is helpful. However, I am confused about whether you should not help your partner become a better person. Please address this.
Hi Bonnie, Thank you for commenting. I will be responding to your question in an upcoming podcast. Please stay tuned. https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Dr. Higgins. My wife is constantly criticizing me. She never has anything nice to say to me or any praise for anything I do to try and make her happy. Never says thank you or shows any sign of affection to me. I t is to a point where I wish I could stop treating her w love and dish out the same stuff she gives me but I just can’t be like that. I have tried to tell her I would like it ever so often if she could reciprocate the kindness and love I show her but it is like she doesn’t care about my feelings. We are both in our sixties and I just don’t think I have the energy to leave this marriage and find someone who I can build a new better relationship with. Plus I really love her and leaving would be a hard blow to our family. How far to I go?
Hi David, Thank you for commenting. I will be responding to your question in an upcoming podcast. Please stay tuned. https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/
Hi Jessica,
I have read a lot of articles over the years about this particular issue – criticism, as there is a lot of conflict over this issue in my marriage of 30 years. I feel that I have had to try to exist in a bit of a dysfunctional vacuum, where the fact that her father was an alcoholic, was not allowed to be discussed or acted upon in a way that was healthy for our own family which we were establishing together.
If I raised the issue of her father’s behaviour (who is a very charming but also a very manipulative man), or how that might have affected the way she and I relate and communicate, my efforts were labelled as “critical”.
I tried over the years, many different approaches to these communications, but they generally ended in the same way, namely in an argument, resulting in her withdrawing herself from me, for a few days, then her cooling off and eventually her acknowledging the problem and apologising, but only so that the conflict could end. Unfortunately, this apology was forgotten a week later, and we often found ourselves in the same place a month or two later. I called it Groundhog Day, because of the familiar cycle.
My wife appeared to be prepared to do anything to avoid the accountability of acknowledging, communicating about and addressing the dysfunctional behaviour within her own family, and with it, avoiding accountability for her own denial of her own behaviour. This repetitive cycle eventually became a power struggle, in which her final weapon was to doubt our marriage, and my character, and whether she could remain in the marriage. It was an ultimatum that if I chose to raise these ‘uncomfortable” issues, I would have to face that I was not important enough to her, for her to authentically discuss or address these issues. Part of the behaviour I have consistently observed is her extreme avoidance of conflict (which was the same way her father avoided any scrutiny for his own behaviour).
My question is, when there is a problematic (dysfunctional) behaviour, that needs to be addressed between a couple, and despite every effort to raise the issue constructively, empathetically, gently, using I words etc etc the communication seems to deteriorate, because the real motivation is to avoid the issue altogether and hope it disappears into “fantasy land”. The excuse is that the avoidance is justified because the communication is critical in nature, and while I know that some people view all criticism as problematic, surely there is necessary constructive criticism, that is not directed as a “character flaw” of another person?
Hi Craig, Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. In the next week, I am going to be working on a podcast episode to address your question and a few others. Please stay tuned.
My 1st husband of 29 years had an affair and left me, remarrying her in a marriage that lasted for 17 years before she did the same thing to him. I spent those first 29 years being spoken to harshly and critically both in private and in front of others, but thought the way I handled it made it not seem so bad. It embarrassed me, but I put up with it never realizing how family and friends were very aware of his behavior. He would also be affectionate to me in public but it tended to be in a suggestive, sensual way. I’d laugh it off and feel somewhat flattered, even though I now know it was inappropriate on his part.
With that background, I add this: my mother was an extremely critical and controlling person, who often put me in a middle position with my first husband. This caused many problems and probably acerbated our marital problems. Long term therapy, however, showed me how the outcome of our marriage was inevitable even without my shortcomings due to his own damaged history. Perhaps my learning to set boundaries actually contributed to the end of the marriage sooner rather than later.
After living independently for 12 years I remarried someone who had a similar experience in his first marriage. We did not marry hastily, knowing each other for 3 years before marrying, but there were many warning signs that I did not heed or recognize, and should have, but I realize that he is a very controlling and critical husband. I feel he demeans me in front of others trying to do it in a humorous way but when we are with friends and family some shortcoming of mine always seems to be part of his conversation. It seems that he tries to direct me in my almost every move (I know that’s an exaggeration) when others are around and even when we are alone. I recognize that he has a very fragile ego and it requires a lot of stroking and recognition. I call him on these unkind, controlling and critical behaviors towards me. Having endured much of this with my first husband, I speak up now. I let him know it’s not acceptable. And I tell him why. It creates arguments. But it continues. His responses are either that I’m being too sensitive because of my experiences in the first marriage, or else his behavior was justified because I am the critical controlling one. I feel his assessment of me is a valid one in many ways. But I know I am a very capable, talented, and smart person that does not need or want constant input or supervision in day to day tasks. And I know what I’m talking about on many subjects, having knowledge and skills. I also want to stay married. I think a big difference in us is, I DO recognize my own tendencies to be critical and controlling. And I try to be different. He has never voiced to me that he sees these qualities in himself. Only that he sees them in me. I find myself trying very hard to behave in a way that will not provoke his criticism or stern correction of me especially when around other people. Might I add that he does have many admirable qualities. He’s smart, capable, loves his acquired (through me) family in a sacrificial and sharing way, genuinely cares about others, But he thinks he’s the expert in every situation jumping in with unsolicited advise and solutions. It puts people off. Last night because I questioned him on a recurring problem with his cell phone ( it makes a loud ringing bell sound repeatedly like 10 times in a row without warning and he can’t figure out how to stop it or turn it off. I pointed out that I’ve repeatedly suggested he go in to our provider for trouble shooting but he still hasn’t. Then in an attempt to troubleshoot with him, asked if there’s something he’s doing on the phone that seems to bring on these jarring sounds. And suddenly he threw his phone at me so hard it struck my upper arm and truly HURT me. A little higher it might have broken my jaw or a tooth. Higher still might have hit my temple. Later he apologized adding that my going on and on and on about it, made him do it. It’s a typical apology from him. Apology with justification. This phone issue just keeps going on and on and on, so I suppose I WAS. I know I do need to find a way to say the things that need to be said (boundary issues) without sounding critical or seeming controlling. He’s not a bad man. We are just caught in this toxic cycle.
Hi Susan, Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate your commitment to growth and awareness. At the same time, I feel very concerned about the behavior of throwing a phone at someone. It sounds dangerous and that you could have gotten injured. Have you and your husband considered getting support? Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Thats me! – SMH – now what?
Thank you for commenting. I imagine your willingness to look into this aspect of yourself means you are off to a great start. Getting curious about what is happening for you and learning more. You may find this guide helpful https://drjessicahiggins.com/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication. Also, there are many more resources on my website. Please let me know if I can be of more support. Thank you.
My Fiancee who CHEATED ON ME with another woman wouldn’t leave until I accept him back, He has divorced her.
Hi Stephmakel,
I am not sure I totally understand your situation. Please let me know how I can help. Thank you.
My husband sees me as very critical. I am critical about very specific things that I have asked him repeatedly, over the course of many years, in a variety of ways, to stop. Most of the things would not be difficult to stop, I believe. For example, I ask him not to play a particular radio station when the kids are in the car because it always has bad language. He can listen to that radio station every day to and from work, so I don’t know why it’s important for him to ignore my request and play that station when the kids are in the car, which is perhaps 1-2x per week. There are many other examples like this. I feel that it would be spineless of me to just accept that things have to be this way and that my opinion should carry no weight, so I’ve tried to discuss it in kind ways, in not kind ways, and in every way in between. After years of this, my way of discussing it is not particularly kind. I ask him repeatedly why he refuses to consider what I want and just does what he feels like/what’s easiest for him/what will make the kids prefer him, etc. I don’t like that I’ve become critical, but I also don’t like that when I express an opinion, I can be nearly certain that he will do the opposite.
Hi April,
Oh my goodness, this sounds like an incredibly difficult dynamic!! You are right…this is not just about being critical. It sounds like it is more about your not being able to reach to your husband to get his consideration or to get a need/concern addressed. It makes sense (and very common for people) to escalate and intensify your attempt to feel heard. I highly recommend the two of you to get support to improve your dynamic together. I imagine there is a reason why your husband has a hard time hearing and/or responding to you (which may relate to his experience in life). Please let me know if I can be of any support.
Thank you for writing this article. It’s quite informative.
I am struggling to understand if im overly critical of my current husband or if he is also the problem. He is a good husband and constantly tries to support me and my 4 year old twins (twins father has passed away). However, recently I just feel like I can’t stop focusing on everything he does wrong. I am struggling to contain my frustration now.
For example, he went shopping yesterday and he got all the things he thought we needed. But he got things like the wrong peanut butter amongst other wrong items. We have been together over 2 years. I just feel like he should know certain things by now like what we all eat. I am very particular about the food I want the kids to have and I don’t like anything with too much sugar and salt in it. You can buy many peanut butters with nothing but just peanuts in it. But he doesn’t like to read and he is always rushing so he just picks up anything. The food he brings into the house and the treats he gives the kids seem to really bother me. Even though I know he is just being nice. I don’t want my kids to have lots of sugar. Its the same with lots of things, I don’t trust him to book a holiday or any trips because he won’t read the details and he will just go with the first one he finds because he finds reading stressful.
I’m really busy with things like work and he tries to take things off my hands to help but im just left frustrated because he doesn’t do it the “right way”.
E.g. We need a roofer, he offered to find one. But he didn’t do any research into the companies and was just happy to pay the highest price so it could get done. When we needed a plumber, he went online and booked the forst one he could find (which was really expensive). I ended up frustrated instead of grateful because it would have been better if I looked for one myself.
When he helps put the clothes away, he puts everything in the wrong place and I then have to redo it. Another example is, he offered to help clear the spare room. But instead of sorting things into rubbish and things we need and things that we can give away/sell. He just decided to get rid of it all. I find that very wasteful. I hate waste. He tends to throw alot away that could have been given away or used. He throws alot of food away too.
I can admit I am a bit OTT about the food thing because i have anxiety about health since my previous husband died. But I don’t know if I just need to let go and let him do things his way if I accept his help (even if I think it was a bad way).
Hi Shamla, Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear about your late husband. I imagine it has been very challenging grieving, showing up for your children and taking care of everything. It makes sense to me that you are feeling stressed in the current dynamic with your husband, as it sounds like he values peace of mind and less stress – or managing overwhelm (I am guessing). While his priorities matter, it poses a significant conflict for you, when your needs, values and boundaries are not being honored. It sounds like you have made many attempts to have clear communication and agreements. I imagine that is frustrating and can easily translate to “he doesn’t care” or “he doesn’t respect what matters to me.” However, it is likely that there is something getting in the way of him showing up for what you need – there could be many reasons. This is where getting support can be helpful to explore what is going on in the couple dynamic and what is happening for him (when he wants to help, but has trouble doing the tasks in alignment with what matters to you). Please let me know if I can help. Thank you.
Reading this article was extremely humbling, as nearly every point resonated with me. I grew up in a very critical household, with my mother modeling contempt and criticism for my father, and then a subsequent husband. I have extremely high standards for myself, I am an independently licensed mental health professional with a graduate degree, and Definitely a perfectionist as well. I see a pattern in my romantic relationships where, no matter how gently I present it, anything that I feel unhappy or unsatisfied with builds up over time and my partner ends up feeling highly criticized and nitpicked. I hate this! It’s not just one relationship, I am 37 and at this point it’s four or five. I start the relationship seeing all of the good, praising mightily, and reveling in that new love… And by the second year of the relationship my partner undoubtedly feels picked apart, and like they can never meet my standard. It’s extremely hard for me to be able to discern whether I am choosing the wrong men who I am not compatible with or whether it’s my problem, and I cannot find a place of contentment or satisfaction. I equally do not want to end up with someone who I’m not compatible with, and also do not want to end up sabotaging a relationship with a good man. It is really hard to see past the trauma of my childhood, subsequent traumas, and have an objective view on how I operate within relationships, and how I treat my partner. I appreciate this article, and would love to speak on it further or get any feedback you may be able to offer. Thank you for writing this! It was a hard pill to swallow but it certainly resonated with me, and I feel seen.
Hi Lindsay,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share. I really appreciate how willing you are to look at your participation in the dynamic you describe. And yes, it can be extremely confusing to know what is what.
There is a lot I could say on the topic. Often, when I am interviewed on other people’s podcast, we talk about these types of dynamics as it relates to criticism. You can check out interviews here: https://drjessicahiggins.com/resources/interviews/
If you have gotten the Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication – free guide, you can get it here: https://drjessicahiggins.com/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication
By getting the free guide, you will get a series of emails that offer more tips and also gain access to get the self-guided course: https://empoweredrelationship.com/shifting-criticism/
Another option would be to search “criticism” on my website, and you will get more podcast episodes, videos and articles that I have created.
Please let me know if I can be of more support. If you are interested in coaching, you can learn more here: https://drjessicahiggins.com/work-with-me/ Thank you!
I happen to both highly critical as well as highly withdrawn, so as soon as I find myself in a social situation that doesn’t go my way, I tend to disconnect from it abruptly and permanently. However, I’m not really seeing the negative impacts of those two negative personality traits so I don’t really feel the need to change, especially when many of my hobbies and pursuits require little socialization. Is being critical/withdrawn really as bad as some may make it out to be?
Hi Zen, Thank you for commenting. I would say it depends. Many people need to feel a sense of belonging and connection with others. Thus, the traits of being highly critical and withdrawn can get in the way of connection. Often times, these traits are protective in nature…keeping someone safe. That being said, if you are feeling fulfilled, healthy and happy, I don’t think it is anyones place to tell you that your approach is bad, especially if you are not hurting anyone.
Wow, I’m really impressed, Dr. Higgins by how you respond to each comment. I found this post after writing in my journal trying to figure out what to do about my constant criticism of my mother of 87 that I live with. A quick note of context: I left my husband of 30 years to move in with my Sister and Mother until I can get back on my feet. I thought I would be leaving to have an indépendant life, but it turns out that there were financial circumstances that mean I now live in a situation that is not at all what I thought I would be in.
I think I’m mostly positive ,but I am very critical of my mother. I was just journaling trying to figure out if I’m a “Bad” person to be so critical. I don’t think I am “Bad” but I can logically THINK that I need to be less critical, but it doesn’t change my behavior! So, I think there are underlying issues that if not addressed aren’t going away. 1st, as I’m not working yet, I’m with my Mom 24/7 and have become her main caregiver. A role i don’t want. (Which I also feel badly about!) I’m a person that needs a lot of autonomy, so being this close 24/7 would drive me nuts with anyone. I left my husband to have a life that is more what I wanted and it turns out I have a life that is not at all what I wanted, so I guess there are underlying resentments as much as I am trying to practice acceptance of what “is”. I do a lot of work on acceptance and thinking positively, but I’m human!
2nd, my mom is the opposite of me. She is lazy, a slob, disorganized, and unsanitary. Yes, she’s 87, but she has all her faculties and has always been this way. I love my Mom, but I don’t completely like her. If we didn’t live together, I wouldn’t be so critical of her. I don’t really want to live with her! When I hear her getting up in the morning, I feel dismay.
Dr. Higgins, I don’t expect a long response to this, it just helps to write this down. I’ll look into your other articles. Oh, let me add that I understood the person who was frustrated by the article. I can tell that you are a compassionate person, but I did feel some frustration to think that it’s all my behavior problem that I’m so critical. I’m sure that’s not what you intended and we are probably only hearing that out of frustration with not feeling like it’s only us.
Hi Leslie, Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate the care and time you are taking for self-reflection. From what you described, it seems like you have some great insight on how your situation compromises some of your important needs (and build resentments). Also, it is possible that you have needs in your dynamic with your mother that she has not been able to show up for. I hope that you can identify those needs and find ways to get those need meet. It sounds like you have worked hard to be the person you are and to live the life your desire.
Also, I appreciate your feedback about the tone of the article. I will make a point to review it and see if I can make some edits with your comments in mind. Thank you!
Unfortunately, this article focuses only on nuero-typical, cisgender relationships, so I was not able to glean what I was wishing to. Hopefully, one day research in the psych field will be inclusive of ND to ND interpersonal relationships.
Thank you for your comment. Thank you for naming your wish for more content that speaks directly to neurodivergent and gender-diverse experiences – and how that might affect patterns like criticism and communication. I appreciate the invitation to broaden the conversation. If you have specific aspects you’d like covered, feel free to share! Perhaps a article titled How criticism can look different across neurotypes and gender identities—without losing sight of emotional safety.