ERP 024: The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts

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Hi, this is Dr. Jessica Higgins, licensed psychologist and certified coach. This is the Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities, and setting you up for relationship success. Thank you so much for tuning in. I’m so grateful to be spending this time with you, and again, I just wanna applaud you for every effort you’re making to expand your capacity for more love and improved relationship.

Before we get started, I just wanna remind you and alert you to the possibility of participating in a 21-day free event online. It’s called the Art of Mindful Wealth Summit. This is put on by Lisa Peterson. She’s the founder of Wealth Clinic, she’s a wealth coach… But she defines wealth in this multi-dimensional, full-spectrum definition of wealth, so all aspects of life.

She has interviewed over 24 inspirational thought leaders, and really is just gathering information to help inspire you, to help motivate you to cultivating more in your life. So if you’re feeling like you want a little boost, or even a recharge, or a complete reboot, this could be a great opportunity to gain access to free information, and really participate in a community of people that are changing lives, and are changing their lives at a much more higher version of themselves.

I’m looking forward to participating, and I also was interviewed as an expert, so I felt very honored and privileged to be a part of this. If you’re interested and wanna gain access, you can find the link on the show notes of this episode. This episode is episode #24, and if you go to my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, you’ll see at the very top episode 24, and click on Show Notes. You will find the link to The Art of Mindful Wealth Summit for you. Again, that gets started on Monday the 20th, and runs for 21 days. I hope that you’ll check that out if you’re interested.

Okay, today’s topic is The Most Important Ingredient For Shifting Conflicts In Relationship. I’ve received an e-mail from Shelby, a listener, and she titled the e-mail “How to stop the drama.” She’s referring to an article that I wrote a while back, and it was titled “Nine destructive behaviors to avoid when in conflict.” And also a podcast that I published – it was episode 14, and it was titled “How to stop the drama.” Shelby writes:

“What do you do when you do not follow the avoidance of the nine hurtful behaviors? If those have been happening and may have been built up for a couple of years, how do you deal with those done in the past, and also the future? I would think the past would need to be dealt with differently than those occurring at a more present time. Can you discuss those in an article or a podcast?”

Thank you so much, Shelby, for posing this question. I think it is essential, and really critical to a successful relationship. I can tell you that I’ve worked with so many couples who have gotten stuck in this conflict stage and real detrimental cycles together, so much so some were never able to resolve them, and it did destroy their relationship and ended in divorce. I have seen how problematic and destructive it can be.
I don’t wanna scare anyone, but I also wanna emphasize the importance of recognizing if you’ve noticed conflictual patterns that have not been resolved that you keep cycling in, to just pay attention to that and try to maybe consider some of what I’m gonna offer you today.

If you missed the article that I’m referring to, “Nine destructive behaviors to avoid during conflict”, then I will put the link on the show notes of this episode. Again, this is episode 24. You can find that by selecting Podcast on my website, and I will have that link to this article that I’m referring to, as well as the “How to stop the drama in relationship”, which is Empowered Relationship Podcast Number 14.

So to just briefly recap for you, the nine destructive behaviors are name calling and character attacks – that’s using language to be insulting or offensive to another person, or really attacking somebody’s character or personality or upbringing.

Number two is criticism – the act of focusing on someone’s flaws or passing severe judgment.

Number three is dismissive non-verbals. This is using body language or gestures to disrespect, or put down, or even reject your partner.

Number four is the silent treatment, which involves shutting down, ignoring, avoiding or refusing to interact or respond.

Number five is assuming or guessing, and just deciding that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling, without checking it out.

Number six – trying to be right. This is focusing on trying to win, rather than resolve.

Number seven – being defensive. This is being really defended, and taking little to no responsibility for anything, and avoiding any wrong-doing or unwillingness to look at your part.

Number eight is control tactics. This is the act of trying to manipulate or dominate the situation by using many different strategies.

Number nine is outburst of anger. This is using passive-aggressiveness, sarcasm or even real expressive anger, like yelling and slamming and throwing things.

These are all ways in which we behave poorly when we’re upset and when we’re in conflict with our partners. This is more of this stuff that’s problematic and can be really destructive to relationships.

I don’t believe anyone intends to be behaving in these ways. I don’t think anyone is intending to be hurtful. I think we act in these ways because we’re not skillful, we are not equipped around how to deal with conflict. We end up reacting. Have you heard of that concept of you’re reacting, versus responding? Responding has more to do with making a choice, and feeling like you have options, and you’re deciding and you’re being mindful, where reacting is almost this uncontrollable response, and you’re just not thinking, you’re just reacting.

While in the moment they might alleviate some of the discomfort, or they might give you some short-term benefits, to get somebody off your back or to get whatever you’re wanting in the moment, it’s not gonna be helpful long-term; it’s gonna be very, very problematic.

It’s interesting to me, because even though conflict is a healthy, normal and natural part of long-term intimate relationship, again, most of us are not skillful at how to be constructive or effective in negotiating differences. Again, most of us usually react, behave poorly, and are not skillful.

Some of the unskillful strategies that most of us are familiar with is 1) trying to change the other person. It’s almost a sense of “I’m gonna try to convince you of my perspective, and try to provide evidence to sway your belief. I’m trying to get you to see my way, and if you saw my way, we wouldn’t have an issue.” So it’s a much more active approach.

Number two is more passive, it’s more “Okay, I get what you’re saying. I’m gonna defer to you. I’m going to change myself, I’m going to change my way to appease you, so that we don’t have conflict. I’m trying to mitigate any upset, I’m trying to appease you and just defer.”

Number three is one or both people are completely trying to avoid it altogether, so not even addressing it at all. It’s like, “Oh, look at that over there… Oh, my phone’s ringing.” It’s just this sense of complete “Time’s gonna heal it. It’ll go away. Push it under the rug, and it’s all good.”

These are strategies that we try to negotiate conflict unskillfully. Now, when we’re reacting or we’re behaving in ways that are “destructive”, these are behaviors that we’re often doing when we’re in the kind of fight, flight or freeze mode. We’ve kind of lost our cool, and we are feeling really protective, we are feeling hurt or scared, and we’re needing to fight or protect ourselves, or we’re afraid we’re not gonna get our needs met, and we’re grasping and fighting for our needs. It’s all some version of fight or flight or freeze.

If you’re interested in learning more about why we do the fight or flight or freeze, or how to regulate the nervous system, I can also put another link on the show notes for you… But really what I wanna hone into is kind of this question that Shelby is posing – what do you do if you’ve noticed this dance you have with your partner, where you get into these dynamics and it’s kind of snowballed? It’s like, I don’t believe we go from point A to point Z overnight; we make these incremental steps to up the ante a little bit.

We might in the beginning make a little snide remark, and then six months down the road we might be outright saying some really insulting comments or character attacks. So it’s almost to have the same impact, we turn up the volume, we up the ante… Particularly if both people are participating in this kind of one-upping or upping the ante, it escalates. It gets really volatile. If somebody is accusing me or name-calling and I wanna fight back and name-call back, really within a nanosecond we can be off and running, and full-out, full-blown screaming at each other, right? Because if it’s like “Oh, no you didn’t…!” and we come back with something even more cutting.

Well, if you’ve ever done this, you know it really results to no good. I can say that I’ve done it in the past… Luckily, not with my husband. I had a relationship before where we did argue, and we did go back and forth, and it did get escalated… Not to anything extreme, but definitely felt these conflictual, destructive kind of patterns.

And as I mentioned before, I have witnessed couples or have understood the dynamics that they go through when they’re not in my office, and it’s almost so difficult to shift out of that when it’s snowballed for years. It’s almost so much damage, so much has been done it’s hard to go back, it’s hard to correct and really get on a positive course. I’m gonna talk about that today.

I think it’s also really worth noting that habits play a part. So if we’re used to a certain way of relating to one another, it’s easy to go down that path; it’s just something we’re familiar with and we kind of now. Now, I don’t know that arguing or raising one’s voice is innately bad or destructive. I think when there’s the intent to cause harm or take issue or really fight, I think that’s when people get into these more elevated, provocative, kind of escalated states, and that’s kind of more of what I’m talking about.

Because again, if you’re in this loop, it can just breed negativity. Let’s say we had an argument last night and I’m still upset about it and you’re over it, if you make a gesture of goodwill and I’m still upset, I’m gonna kind of be nasty, and then that’s gonna make you feel nasty, and we’re gonna be off and running again. It just breeds negativity, so it really is difficult to break the pattern, and this negativity can really just fester, which can just lead to more hurt, to more anger, more reaction, and over time just cause a great deal of disconnect and discontent in the relationship.

Okay, so what do we do? I have a quote here from John Pierpont Morgan:

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not gonna stay where you are.”
It sounds simple enough, right? So I have the belief that you cannot change your partner, nor can your partner change you… So if we’re expecting our partner to change so that our conflict pattern gets better, it’s probably a low likelihood that that’s gonna happen. If you’re motivated to improve the pattern and the conflict, I wanna encourage you to take action.

When one person shifts, it changes the whole dynamic. I have seen this happen over and over again. The costs of not doing it are great. If you get caught in this “No, you go first” and this stand-off, it’s likely that little is gonna change. I mean, it’s possible that your partner might be able to shift things on his or her own and then it shifts the dynamic, but if you’re feeling the nudge, if you’re feeling motivated and want more, want better, then I wanna encourage you to take steps today, like right now, to shift the dynamic.

In my experience, it seems that most couples are both participating in the conflict. It’s very, very rare that it’s just one person. Even if it appears that one person is behaving more  poorly, I believe that there’s a dance, that there’s a way that the two people are relating that’s contributing to the overall dynamic of conflict.

So again, if one person shifts, it shifts the whole dynamic. The same dynamic, the same patterns cannot happen with just one person. So again, if you shift, it’s gonna shift your whole dynamic in your relationship. Again, the quote is “The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not gonna stay where you are”, so not doing what you’ve been doing.

One of the first things that you can do is just recognize the pattern. If you could take a bird’s eye view of your relationship and if you could look at all the major conflicts or all the conflicts, and look at “Do they look similar? Is there a similar pattern, is there a similar dynamic? What is the tendency?”, you might recognize there’s a particular dance that you do together around conflict.

I can tell you particularly in the early stages of my relationship with my husband, our dynamic was I was more assertive, and I was more active in addressing the issues, where my husband was more passive; he tended to avoid, kind of shut down, and I would pursue the issue, I’d pursue him, and he would sometimes distance himself from the issue. So it had this dynamic where I was pursuing and he was distancing, which was mutually not helpful or not gratifying and satisfying for either one of us.

So we worked it out, and we had things that we did that helped resolve that pattern. There might still be a slight flavor of it, but we know how to deal with it differently. I know how to deal with it differently.

So number one, I just wanna suggest if you could recognize what the pattern is and what the dance is. What this is gonna do is it’s gonna familiarize you with the tendency, so when you see it happening, you’re gonna recognize it and you’ll be a little less identified with it. It’s almost like, “Oh, this is this thing that we do”, and you can have some sense of perspective about it and distance from it.

Number two is you can begin to explore, “Okay, if that’s the tendency, are there any other options? Are there other avenues, are there other routes that might work better?” If we always take the same route to go to our destination, and we notice that pattern, can we be a little more mindful? Is there something else that might be a little more beneficial for us, or a better fit for us?

Once you can explore other options, you can make a choice to choose a different path. This is the point that I want to emphasize. This is the most important ingredient to shifting conflicts. This is making a decision, drawing a line in the sand, here and now, to whatever level that you feel comfortable. This has more to do with you with yourself. It has to do with integrity.

I’m gonna challenge you a little bit, because most of the time when our partner is behaving poorly, why would we not wanna react? It gives us every reason to behave poorly as well. But again, as we’ve just stated, that’s gonna lead to no real good results. So if you’re wanting a different result, again, like the quote I’m just saying – “The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not gonna stay where you are”, so it’s choosing a different path… And sometimes this path is solo.

Your partner might be behaving poorly, but if you’ve made a commitment to take a different path, and you know what you’re gonna do, then you can honor your own commitment to yourself. What this is – it’s a priority to your integrity and to health, beyond the interaction with your partner. Some people get so sucked into “I wanna resolve this, I wanna be right”, or really just wanna see the conflict through that they’re so entrenched in it. But if I can invite you to see the priority for your integrity… And what I mean by integrity is really feeling good, having a clear conscience the next day, feeling like you did the very best that you could, gaining that sense of self-respect. “Given how nasty my partner was, how I was able to deal with that…” Because at the end of the day, you’re responsible for your own part; you’re responsible for your own actions.

It reminds me of elementary school, if two kids were fighting, it’s like “He pushed me first”, and the other kid punched him… It’s like, you’re both responsible for your actions; even if the other person pushed you – yes, you wanna take care of yourself, yes, you wanna stand up for yourself, but do you need to punch back? No.

So if you can make some decisions and put the priority… So the priority has to shift. It’s not on the relationship. Once you’re in that conflict zone, you wanna encourage the priority to shift to “I am taking right action. I’m gonna have clear conscience, I’m gonna do what I feel like is the right thing, even if my partner is not”, which I have another quote here… C.S. Lewis – I’m sure you guys have heard this quote, it’ pretty common:

“Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.”

I’m going to do a rendition of that – so integrity is doing the right thing, even when your partner is not… Because once you shift and you’re not engaging in that conflictual dynamic, your partner is kind of gonna be left in the ring by himself… Like, who is he actually gonna fight with? No one. And if you’re taking care of yourself and you’ve done the best that you can, you’re gonna feel good about yourself. You might not feel uncomfortable with the dynamic, you might feel pained by the upset, but I’m gonna guarantee you it’s gonna be less painful than having the pain and then all the damage on top. So you don’t have all this damage control; you caught it as soon as you could. So drawing a line in the sand is like “I’m not gonna participate, I’m not gonna do the things that I’ve done in the past. I’m gonna catch myself, for my own sake.”

I’ve worked with couples — there was this younger couple, they were newly-married and they were kind of engaging in these pretty volatile yelling and conflict interactions… And she was more of the kind of — he would describe it as nagging, and she was more just asking for information… And he was having a lot of stress in his life and really was just seeking peace; he wanted peace. And she wanted to have safety and real communication, she wanted to feel ultimately safe in the relationship, because when he would get upset… He was actually really strong, and did a lot as an athlete, so she just felt scared when he would get angry.

So when I was encouraging them around how to manage their own engagement, how to pull back and catch themselves – it’s one of the hardest things to do; it fosters a level of maturity that I don’t think anybody expects to have to do in relationship, but that’s the most important ingredient to shifting conflicts, is taking this mature route and really being in one’s own integrity.

Going back to this couple, I was asking them — so what happens is when people feel like they are trying to take the high road, they think they’re doing it for their partner… Like, “Okay, I’m not gonna yell, I don’t wanna upset you, and I’m doing it for you.” But as soon as that partner is gonna be nasty to the other person, then that all goes out the window, like “I no longer want to be generous to you. I don’t have any sense of goodwill if you’re attacking me.” All that goes out the window. But if your commitment is to yourself, and there’s something that you’re wanting more…

So for this couple, she wanted to feel safe, so I asked her “Can you not engage in the dynamic? Can you not engage in asking him questions if you see that he’s getting upset? Or if he’s upset with you, can you stop the interaction?” Because what that’s gonna do is it’s gonna help you feel safe, that you can revisit the issues, you can revisit the information when it’s calmer. And for him – he was saying “I don’t know how to not be upset”, and I was saying “Okay, so if you can catch yourself and communicate that you’re starting to get upset and you don’t wanna go there, what that’s gonna give you is a sense of peace.”

It’s hard for me to convey all the details, but what I’m saying is more than anything most people have a need that they’re wanting, and if you can connect what you’re wanting long-term, in the way of conflict, that’s gonna be your motivating force.

For me, it’s wanting to have real constructive communication and a healthy relationship. I wanna have a successful, healthy relationship. So if we’re dealing with a conflict, I believe the conflict is not gonna just go away, and I believe it’s important… But if we’re starting to get upset with one another, I care more about having a successful relationship and constructive communication that I’m willing to refrain and catch myself, even if every impulse in me is wanting to fight back, that I want more that positive interaction and that constructive communication, that health with him, that I will refrain, I will bow out of the conversation, I will walk away… I will do many things to disconnect and disengage from whatever interaction, because I want that longer-term result more. I place a priority on the health.

And again, this is a solo journey sometimes. If your partner is not behaving well and has been behaving poorly or even destructively, to take the high road can feel like you’re doing it alone, and you are. But again, when one person shifts, it shifts the whole dynamic.

So the sense of confidence that you’re gonna gain too in learning how to handle yourself when things get tough – you’re gonna gain trust in yourself, that when everything gets challenging, that you know how to manage, you know how to control yourself, you know how to make choices and decide and respond, versus just react… And doing it with your loved one, doing it with your significant other is the hardest place to do it.

So again, I wanna emphasize that I understand how difficult this is, but I also understand how critical it is and how worth it it is. And also, it fosters a sense of trust in the relationship, because you’re gonna have to tolerate a little bit of discomfort. You’re not gonna maybe always be able to repair or try to resolve it in the moment, because if it’s not effective, you’re not gonna get anywhere… But usually, people just do the ineffective behaviors until they get exhausted, so if you’re gonna have a problem, you’re gonna have a problem, or if you’re gonna have an issue, you’re gonna have an issue… But if you can tolerate some of the discomfort of that, and again, have the priority for the health, when you guys are more regulated and more calm to address it skillfully, then you’re gonna be working towards the result you want, rather than damage control and then maybe even never getting to the actual issue…

So it fosters a sense of trust in yourself, a sense of trust in the relationship, that your relationship can handle some of this tolerating the discomfort and sometimes separation in the moment, but you know that you’re building more health in the relationship and you trust that your relationship is gonna be okay… Because sometimes people get into the conflict when they don’t trust that the relationship is okay; like, it’s really threatening when there’s conflict, like “Are we okay? Is the relationship gonna dissolve, or is this a risk to breaking up?” So if you can build in the sense of trust that it’s okay for us to not agree sometimes or not be on the same page, that we’re solid enough, that our relationship is healthy and strong enough to tolerate some of that, and it’s not a huge threat. A part of why conflict feels so difficult is because it is so threatening.

Again, I just wanna also emphasize that this process helps build maturity and strength and positivity. It’s one of the hardest things that we do in long-term intimate relationship – to really mature relationally, and in no other place are we gonna be challenged to do this… And I wanna say it’s so, so worth it.

I have more to offer you, so if you stay tuned, I have a next sequence for this. Again, I just wanna reiterate, the point I’m making here is to place a priority on right action, versus trying to resolve the issue in old patterns… So getting out of the old dynamics, the old dance, choosing a new path and committing to yourself. Because if you are committing to your partner, that’s not gonna be sustainable. When you guys are at odds, he’s not gonna feel like your ally, or she’s not gonna feel like she’s got your back; you’re gonna feel at odds, and sometimes they’re against you.

So if you’re doing the commitment for them, that’s not gonna hold a lot of weight when things get really tough. You’ve gotta wanna commit to yourself, you wanna have a commitment that you can stand by and you see the value of, and you see the merit of, and can see it through and have it be a guiding light in these difficult interactions. Because if you’ve had this snowball effect and you have these habits and you have these patterns of going to these kinds of nasty, snarky, hurtful place when we’re in conflict, it’s gonna be difficult to shift, it’s gonna be difficult to change the pattern, particularly on the front-end. But if you can make a decision and on your own really decide “I’m going to do this differently”, then you can start incorporating change right away, and perhaps start seeing things shift right away.

In the next episode I’m gonna be talking about limits and how to communicate with your partner and how to take action, so I do think that there’s more that I have to offer you to put this into motion… But again, I just wanna get you thinking about what it could be like for you to take responsibility for your part, and how you could have a commitment to yourself and what the merit of that would be and how to foster that sense of accountability and integrity around it.

I know that’s a challenge, I know it’s hard… It’s one of the hardest things to do. And again, it’s so worth it… If you could imagine what’s on the other side, you tell me, do you feel like it’s worth it? I’d love to hear from you.

If you have any input that you’d like to contribute to this conversation, I would love to hear your thoughts, if you could comment on the Comment section below the show notes… And if you have a topic that you’re interested in me talking on, or would like me to try to speak about, please feel free to contact me. You can reach me by e-mail, phone, or even leave me a voicemail on my website. Again, my website is DrJessicaHiggins.com, and you can click on the Contact page and find all of the ways to reach me there.

Again, I just wanna applaud and really recognize and appreciate every step you’re taking to improve your way of relating in relationship that is moving in the direction of health and positivity and greater vitality. I so know it’s a possibility for you, and I just wanna support you on your path. If you’re interested in coaching, please reach out to me, I’m available. You can find how to reach me, again, on my Contact section of my website – DrJessicaHiggins.com.

If you’re interested in my course, I’m still fine-tuning a few pieces and getting the technology issues worked out… So stay tuned. Again, it’s gonna be really well worth it, and I appreciate your patience. I’m very excited about the launch of that. It will be coming soon, and I will absolutely keep you informed.

If you’re not on my mailing list, I encourage you to be. You can opt-in on my website and get a little freebie – it’s a side-by-side comparison of “Instead of these behaviors, try these behaviors.” It’s kind of a more evolved way of relating in a relationship – it’s how to improve communication and strengthen your relationship, with side-by-side comparisons of what we normally do and what I would like to suggest. You can find that on my website; again, that’s DrJessicaHiggins.com.

Thank you so much for sharing this time with me. I know your time is valuable, and I just appreciate your interest. Until next time, take great care. Thank you so much. This is Dr. Jessica Higgins, with the Empowered Relationship Podcast – Your Relationship Guide.

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