ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hey, this is Dr. Jessica Higgins, licensed psychologist and certified coach. This is The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Thank you so much for joining me today. Obviously, with the festive music, I am celebrating the year anniversary of the Empowered Relationship Podcast. Before we get started with today’s episode, which is “Save your relationship by understanding your attachment needs” – this is a really important podcast, but again, before we get started, I have a special gift to offer you, and some updates to share with you.
First of all, again, to just share with you in celebration of the year anniversary, and also in spirit of the Valentine’s Day holiday coming up, I am offering the first 40 people that contact me a complementary strategy session to target special areas of challenge in your relationship. To book your session and discover key principles to keeping your marriage or relationship strong, just contact me via e-mail and let me know you want this free complementary strategy session with me, and let me know when a good time is for you. It’s as simple as that. I’m excited to open up schedule to share with you, support you and really strategize with you. So I look forward to hearing from you, and again, I only have 40 spots, so if you’re wanting to take advantage of this, e-mail me and we’ll get a good time set up.
Again, to celebrate the year anniversary of Empowered Relationship Podcast I’m also updating, so I had a survey that I had sent out and asked people to fill out two questions. One question: “What changes would most improve the Empowered Relationship Podcast?” and the number one response was hearing live coaching on a podcast episode. To meet your desire, I am scheduling every third Thursday of the month at noon, Pacific Time, to open up my schedule to answer live questions, and offer coaching. I know we learned from each other, so if you feel like your question feels so individual, or if you’re really shy – because I know these relationship issues can feel so intimate, and really difficult to talk about… But again, as we’re building community, we’re realizing so many of us – all of us – experience challenge to some degree or another, and that we’re trying to shift our paradigm to the growth orientation.
And if you’ve been listening to my podcast, you know that I subscribe to everything that I am teaching, and I am on this path with you. So again, I will be offering live coaching every third Thursday of the month, and it will be noon, Pacific Time. I will have an 800 number, and you can find these details on my website, which is https://drjessicahiggins.com/ and click on Contact, and you’ll find the instructions there. Again, I will be available to offer laser coaching on your questions live. So let me just revisit the live… I don’t want to mislead you – so I will be recording it and I will be live with you at that time, but what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna upload it later, so it’s not going to be streaming. It’s a podcast, so I have to upload the episode; the episode will probably be available on Friday.
Okay, based on your responses, the second question that I asked in the two-questions survey was “What changes would most improve Empowered Relationships services?” and people said “Mini-courses”. I don’t have any mini-courses to offer yet, but it is on my docket, and I’m actually getting support to help me do some of the tasks that occupy a lot of my time, so that I can start creating really valuable curriculum for you. I do have the 12-week Empowered Relationship Couples Coaching program that I walk people, teach them and guide them through this step-by-step proven system, but I do think that’s a huge commitment, and I’ve gotten the feedback that people want the mini-versions of how to improve a relationship in these more mini-courses. So just know that I hear you and I’m working on it.
A couple other things that are new coming up, is I will have the transcripts available; some people did say they would like access to the podcast transcripts. Some people really like to read, they’re a little more visual learners. You can find that on the show notes page. Again, if you go to my website, https://drjessicahiggins.com/ you can click on Podcast and find the most recent episode there at the top. Click on Read More, you’ll find the show notes and there will be a button that says Transcript.
Also, I’m going to be reading people’s comments on the show. In the last year I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from people, things that they’re loving, a few constructive criticisms, and I will share that with you. I realize that it’s nice to know what people are saying, and hear yourself on the show. I think that’s just a way to build community, so I would love to do that along with answering your questions. In the last three weeks I’ve gotten six specific questions that I’m going to be answering in the next four weeks. Some of them are related, so I’m going to connect them, and I’m going to read each question and answer them. I’m excited about being able to serve you and offer any insight, information that might be able to support your question.
One quick note on comments that I will share. If they’re positive comments, I will share them in brief. If they’re constructive comments, I will read them. But if they’re critical about guests or language that I feel is not constructive, I am not going to read that, so just hear me. Also, if you post on my website a comment, if it’s not constructive I’m not going to approve it. If you want to offer constructive criticism, I’m very open to that, but I just would ask, especially when it relates to guests, that there’s tact in the language. I want it to feel like a safe space, on this podcast, as well as on my website. If you have any questions about that, please contact me and I would love to support you. And if you have constructive criticism and you feel like you’re not sure how to articulate that, I can help frame that for you, because I do think I learn greatly by hearing constructive criticism, as well as getting positive feedback. I just want your voice to be heard, for sure.
Lastly, to celebrate, besides my special offering to you – again, this strategy session is probably my biggest gift to you, because people have really reached out to me and seem to be wanting individual attention and feedback on their concern, which makes sense. So that’s my biggest gift to you – opening up my schedule and really spending some one-on-one time with you to strategize and, if it seems like it might be a good fit, I might have something to offer you as far as a coaching opportunity, only if it’s a good fit. And again, no obligations whatsoever. Just if you’re wanting the opportunity to go deeper, I will offer that to you. So besides that, I’m going to be doing a three-part series – and I had this in mind before I got all these questions – The three biggest concerns that couples struggle with. This is one of the questions I get most frequently. And luckily, most of the questions that I have gotten in the last few weeks, that I have been receiving from listeners, fit really nicely with this series, so I’ll be able to do both.
Okay, so many things to share with you, so let’s get started with today’s podcast. Again, the title of this podcast, “Save your relationship by understanding your attachment needs.” This comes from a listener, and she’d like to remain anonymous. She writes:
“In pondering my relationship issues, I wondered how much of it is related to childhood insufficiencies, or lack of ideal parenting. In my search, I have found an article about attachment styles. I find myself in the anxious/insecure attachment style. I also identified my soon-to-be ex-husband’s attachment style, and my current boyfriend’s attachment style. What the article does not address very much is how we overcome those needs that weren’t met in childhood, so that we can be more complete adults now and, therefore, have healthy relationships.”
This is such a powerful question. It’s very sophisticated in a lot of ways, so if you’re like, “I don’t even know what she’s talking about”, I totally get it. I will give you a little quick-and-dirty about attachment styles. I’ll also post the article that she is referencing. I skimmed it, it seems like a great article. I also will post my research paper. This was essentially a question that I was asking in my PhD program years ago. So this was basically my thesis, of “If we have an insecure attachment style, what do we do?” Because essentially, if you didn’t have the opportunity to build a secure attachment in childhood – this is basically birth through 3-years-old or even 4-years-old, those first fundamental years. There’s a lot of research, and the real pioneer researcher back in the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s, John Bowlby, did a ton to pioneer this topic of attachment theory.
Basically, he researched parents – particularly mothers – and their infants, and the bond or the connection and the care giving that the mom provided allowed the child, the infant, to develop a secure attachment, meaning more or less – this is the quick-and-dirty of this – their whole attachment style or working model – so there’s this inner system, that’s the way you think, it’s the way you physiologically respond and how you feel emotionally. So each attachment style has its working model. We all have our working model that has a particular attachment style. For the secure attachment style, you believe that your needs are going to get met; you trust your primary caregiver, or your mother in this instance, is going to show up for you, is going to meet your needs, is going to be there for you if you need her, to keep you safe, to feed you, to keep you warm, all of these things.
Well, sometimes the parent, or the mother, or a primary caregiver is not able to be consistent and provide the opportunity for this safe, secure attachment style, so I’m just going to bucket all the insecure attachment styles into insecure attachment style, because there’s actually quite a difference in how people categorize these, and this is all for the purpose of research. So for us to study something, we need to label it. So there is anxious attachment style, there is avoidant attachment style, there is disorganized, there is dismissive, there are a few categories. Usually, a researcher will have four categories, but I’m going to just lump the insecure attachment into insecure attachment style. What that then means is, if we’re going to reference the working model, so thinking you’re either anxious about your needs getting met, not trusting that people are going to show up for you, that you’re going to get your needs met, or you totally don’t believe that it’s even possible, so you rely on yourself, you try to avoid any connection because you don’t think people are going to show up for you, you don’t believe that they’re there for you.
Also, the physiological response is feeling tight or anxious, the heart rate is increased; there are a lot of ways to measure the physiological response, but it’s a real palpable response/reaction. Emotionally, as you can imagine, you feel either not seen, not validated, you feel fearful of abandonment or rejection, so there are a lot of ways that this can look. But essentially, the underlying meaning here is that you don’t believe, or you don’t trust that your needs are going to get met, or that you feel safe and secure in the bond.
Okay, trying to be quick-and-dirty here. So what does this have to do with romantic adult relationships? Your marriage, your relationship. If you’re interested in this, I would get this research paper that I wrote, because it talks about all the adult romantic attachment styles. Basically, they have found that your attachment style will mirror your early attachment style. If you were secure in childhood, you’re most likely going to have a secure attachment to your significant other.
Now, again, this listener is asking what if we had an insecure attachment when we were young? Does that mean we’re doomed to have insecure attachment style in our primary relationship with our significant other? So yes, you can earn secure attachment in your relationship. This does take work, it does take awareness, and there are some skills to practise that can help you accomplish this over time. So there is hope, and it’s well worth the effort. Again, for research, people categorize, but I do believe there are flavors of this. You know, you could have pretty severe insecure attachment, or you can have slight insecure attachment. I think there are a lot of variations of this. But the whole point here that I’m wanting to address is how to overcome these attachment insecurities. If you get my paper, you can look at some other researchers in the field that have really contributed to these understandings. If you’re looking for popular research, Dr. Susan Johnson has written a couple popular self-help books, and I think she does a great job of communicating and making this information really accessible. So I will put a link to her book, “Hold Me Tight”. She also has a new book called “Love Sense”. If you’re interested in getting those, you can find that on the show notes page.
Okay, so how to earn more security in your attachment style. [inaudible 00:17:14] Number one is just a recognition that there are attachment styles. For the listener that posed this question, you are already on your way. You are aware that there are attachment styles, and that it’s impacting your relationship. So number one, again, is awareness of your attachment style.
Number two is that your responses are based on your working model, and are real and important to attend to. Many of us get frustrated with ourselves when we feel threatened, or we feel somehow not good enough and we’re wanting to be different, we don’t want to feel the way that we do, we just want to be different; we wish that we felt different or we’re behaving differently. So this number two is more just recognizing that your response is understandable. Given what you’ve experienced in life, this is very understandable. So there’s no blame or shame in feeling threatened or feeling not good enough, or somehow inadequate, or feeling rejected. All of this that’s going on inside your being when you feel this threat is completely understandable.
The goal here is to be informed, to have awareness about what’s going on for yourself and how to be proactive. If you recognize your attachment style, you understand the way your working model operates, and number three – you want to identify your attachment need. Again, this all sounds really heavy, and I have an example to share with you to help bring this alive, but if you’re feeling threatened in your relationship, or you’re feeling really some deep pain around your partner not being there for you, this is incredibly vulnerable. But again, most of us don’t know how to see that, or we’re just doing the best we can to get through, and we’re trying to protect ourselves, we’re trying to stay in the game, but most of us are not very skillful at all. So if we can identify what’s the real need here… Is it to feel connected? Is it to feel bonded? Or is it to be seen validated and understood, and feel met, like your partner has your back? If we’re going to distill this down, that is significant. So all of these types are important, and I know that it’s not easy, so if you’re wanting guidance in this, I would suggest getting a support person; somebody that’s trained and can facilitate your growth and healing in this area.
Number four: communicate in ways that move your partner to respond and work with you. So attacking your partner, criticizing your partner, blaming your partner is basically going to push them away, because they don’t know how to translate, “Oh, she’s hurting, and what she’s needing is to feel my support, or that I’m with her, or that I love her, or some type of reassurance.” Your partner is probably not going to be able to do that, so you want to set yourself up for success, you want to communicate in a way that they can hear you. This required being proactive, and like at number three, also vulnerable. So to identify your attachment need or what you’re really needing to feel emotionally safe and connected, for most people that’s pretty deep. So at number four, to communicate, requires some level of being proactive and asking, and most of us do not know how to ask. If you think about when we see kids that hurt themselves, and they might brush it off and then they want some type of soothing, or comforting, they might extend their arms open, like “Daddy, hold me” or “Mommy…” They want to feel embraced, they want to feel held, they want to feel soothed, and that’s a natural, important need that we have.
So as adults, we sometimes thing that it’s too needy to ask, or that it’s a burden to ask, or it’s not okay. Particularly if you’re a man, to have an emotional need is usually extremely difficult to acknowledge, right? We want to feel strong, we want to feel confident and not needy. But if we take the shame out of it, that this is just a healthy, natural, important need for connection, then we can look at it differently. It’s like to think that it’s silly for you to drink water because you’re thirsty, or silly for you to need to eat food, or get sleep. This is a basic need we have.
Number five – this is more for the person that is being asked or shared with about this attachment need. So you want to look for ways that you can show up, that you can meet your partner in a way that works for you. The way that they might be asking, or the specific thing that they might want might not work for you, but if you really listen to their need, and you want them to feel loved, you want them to feel seen, how can you contribute to supporting that experience for them? Again, what can you do to show up for them, and meet them, and be there for them? Most of the time this showing up we can’t do, because we feel so threatened, we’re reacting, we feel protective or we’re in pain. So we’re struggling with our own attachment style, that we can’t actually see our partner’s hurting, and we don’t know how to meet their need because we are too overwhelmed with our own pain. So if we can regulate, and again, listen if your partner can talk to you constructively or proactively, you’re more likely to hear, “Wow, they just want to feel reassured.” Then it’s like, “What words can I offer, or what way can I reassure them? I want them to feel safe.” Then you’re able to step in and lean in to “I want them to feel that from me. How do I show up?”
Number six – work together to prioritize emotional safety in your relationship. This is critical. A lot of couples get stuck in really painful, hurtful, I would say even destructive communication patterns, that just is a downward, negative cycle and does not lead to anything positive. It’s just a lot of pain, and then damage on top of pain. So if the goal is how do we relate to create emotional safety in our relationship and prioritizing that, and being kind of strict with yourself – that’s the key here. So even a proactive – proactive step is looking for the ways that your partner does care, and the way they are making efforts, because if you are more likely to look for the ways they do care, you’re going to start to build trust, you’re going to start to build confidence that they do care, and you’re more likely to be motivated and inspired to work with them towards creating safety. Because if you don’t believe that they care, you’re most likely not going to want to participate in working together.
The real goal here – number seven – is to meet each other and connect. It’s almost as though you’re metaphorically taking off the layers of protection, and it’s almost like you are standing naked emotionally, and you’re willing to meet each other, and be there for each other, and be present with the intention of creating safety and priority for the connection. So you’re revealing what’s true, and you’re seeking to hold value for the other person.
Okay, so as I mentioned, I am reading an excerpt out of Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Susan Johnson, and this is on page 36 of the version that I have. She’s talking about a couple, and this is the example of how attachment styles show up.
Peter, who has been married to Linda for six years has been feeling less important to his lady of late. She has a new job and they make love less often. At a party a friend comments that while Linda is radiant, Peter seems to be losing his hair. As Peter watches Linda converse attentively with a stunning, handsome man, a man with lots of hair, his stomach churns. Can Peter calm himself with the acknowledgment that he is precious to his wife – side note here, he’s giving his wife the benefit of the doubt that he is important to her, despite her attentiveness to this attractive, handsome man. So again, “that he is precious to his wife, and that she will turn to him and be there for him if he asks. Perhaps he remembers a moment when this happened and uses this image to soothe his unease. What happens though if he can’t quiet his gut? Does he get angry, walk over to his wife and make a cutting remark to her about flirting? Or does he throw off his concern, tell himself he doesn’t care, and go off to have another drink? Or… Six.
Either of these ways of dealing with his fear, attacking or retreating, will only alienate Linda. She will feel less connected, less attracted to her mate, and that, in turn, will only heighten Peter’s primal panic. A second key moment occurs after the immediate threat has passed. Partners have the chance to reconnect then, unless their negative coping strategies kick in. At the party, later in the evening, Linda seeks Peter out. Does he reach out to her, letting her see the hurt and fear he felt when he saw her talking so intimately with another man? Does he express these emotions in a way that invites her to reassure him, or does he attack her for whoring around, demanding that they immediately go home and make love, or remain silent and withdrawn?
So again, this is communicating in ways that set it up for success. A third key moment is when we do manage to tune in to our attachment emotions and reach for connection or reassurance, and the loved one responds. Say Peter manages to pull Linda aside, take a deep breath and tell her that he was having a hard time watching her talk to the handsome stranger. Or maybe he only manages to go and stand beside her, and express his upset with a troubled look. Suppose Linda responds positively. Even if he can’t quite express his feelings, she senses something is wrong, and she offers Peter her hand. She asks softly if he’s okay. She’s accessible, she is responsive, but does Peter see this? Does he trust it? Can he take it in? Can he feel comforted, move closer and continue to confide, or does he instead stay guarded, pushed away, to avoid feeling so vulnerable. Does he even attack her to test if she really cares?
Finally, when Peter and Linda go back to their everyday way of connecting, is he confident that she is there as a safe haven in times of trouble or doubt, or does he still feel insecure? Does he try to control or push Linda into more and more responses that assure him of her love, or does he minimize his need for her and instead focus more on distracting tasks or toys? The drama has focused on Peter, but a scenario centered on Linda would have revealed she has the same attachment needs and fears. Indeed, man and women alike – we all share these sensitivities.
Again, that’s from Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Susan Johnson. There is so much that I could say about this, but again, just to reiterate, yes, you can overcome insecure attachment styles. It just takes time, it takes consistency, it takes practice, and again, we can repair, we can build secure attachment styles in our relationship. I could say so much about this topic; it is deep and it is so important, and it connects with so many aspects. But to bring this back to the question, “Can you overcome insecure attachment style?” Yes. It does take work, awareness, practice and willingness, and it’s all worth it. If you can imagine experiencing life – there’s going to be upset, there’s going to be threats at times. Life is not safe, but if you feel connected to your partner, or that you even feel a way to connect, you’re confident that you can connect with your partner, and that your partner will be there for you, it is tremendous. Again, the important, important need to feel secure and safe emotionally, and bonded.
If you’re wanting support to work these steps, if you’re looking at how to overcome some level of insecure attachment, I highly encourage you to take advantage of this complementary gift of a free strategies session, for you and your significant other, to really get my personalized attention to target your specific relationship concerns, so that you can improve your relationship, grow closer and have a relationship that you feel secure in, and enlivened in.
Let’s set up a time to talk if you’re interested. You can e-mail me directly at drjessicahiggins.com, or you can click on Contact on my website, drjessicahiggins.com and find the ways to reach me there. Again, I only have 40 spots available, so whoever can book first, I am making those 40 spots available to first-come, first served.
If you have a question you would like me to address in an upcoming podcast, you can e-mail me directly or you can visit my website, drjessicahiggins.com and click on Contact, and you can find all the ways to reach me there, and the instructions around how to ask a question. I so appreciate you, and I so honor your listenership and your desire to improve your relationship. This is Dr. Jessica Higgins, and again, I am so excited to be sharing this year anniversary with you of the Empowered Relationship Podcast – Your relationship guide.
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