ERP 054 – How To Bridge a Communication Gap IN Your Relationship

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Welcome to the Empowered Relationship Podcast – helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success.  Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach, who shares valuable tips, tools, and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Dr.  Jessica Higgins:  Hi.  Thank you for joining me today.  As always, I am so privileged and honored to be sharing this time with you.  Thank you for tuning in.  Thank you for being interested in improving your understanding and your awareness of relationship principles as well as improving your skillfulness.  I, like you, am on this path of personal growth and relationship growth.

Quick update for you:  Last week, I did my first live Q&A where I was available for listeners to call in for live coaching.  Now, I didn’t actually get anybody coming to the call, so I don’t have a show to share with you from that time.  I understand it’s difficult to schedule.  I am thinking about other ways to schedule with listeners who are wanting to be on the show and receive live coaching.  Stay tuned for that.  I don’t have the actual details around how I’m going to do that.  I think I’ll be able to give that to you next week.

If you are a regular listener, you know that I have been celebrating the year anniversary of the Empowered Relationship Podcast.  One of the ways that I’ve been celebrating is to offer you a free complementary strategy session with me to address areas in your relationship that you greatly want to improve and have some clear steps about how to move forward.  Now, I have a few spaces left – spaces are filling up.  If you still want to get in on that, you can e-mail me directly at drjessicahiggins.com.

The other way that I am celebrating is just identifying the three main reasons why people reach out for help.  They’re having relationship concerns.  I have identified and there’s many effects, but over and over and over, I get some typical, consistent questions around basically how to overcome the power struggle stage or relationship differences.

Last week, I addressed a listener’s question that was in the realm of this and it was titled, “How to Build Emotional Assertiveness in Relationship”  Then, the other pattern is when we feel emotionally reactive and we don’t know how to confront difficulties.  There’s a lot that informs that, why it’s so hard to confront somebody’s painful feelings in relationships.

So on episode 52, “Save Your Relationship by Understanding Your Attachment Needs,” I talked about attachment needs and answering our listeners’ question around this.  So if you’re interested in this whole series, start with 52 which is addressing the attachment needs, then you can listen to episode 53 which is, “How to Build Emotional Assertiveness in Your Relationship?” And again, that’s a bit about how to deal with differences.

Today, we’re going to be talking about “How to Bridge a Communication Gap in Your Relationship.”  Now, I’m weaving a listener’s question in to the topic of “Criticism and Defensiveness.”  So, this is a communication pattern where we’re having difficulty communicating and we might be trying to address something, but it may sound critical or partner-interpreted as being critical.  This is one of the negative cycles that couples get very caught in.  Like I said, I practice these principles myself and I know how challenging this can be.  I personally deal with this in my relationship with my husband.

Again, today, we’re going to be addressing the third biggest concern that couple struggle with, and this is a critical, defensive cycle that can be extremely negative.  Today’s title is, “How to Bridge a Communication Gap with Your Partner?” and this is episode 54.

I received a question from a listener who says he is 35 years old, a male living with his significant other for the past year, and she has kids from her previous relationship.  He writes:  “If I see that every morning when I work from home, my partner is rushing to get the kids out the door to daycare and is five or so minutes late every time.  She is able to stay in the home.  I pay all the bills.  I also know that this is happening on days when I’m not there.  It is very hard to rush 3- to 5-year-olds.  Things just take time.”

“I think she needs to get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 8 to give her and the kids more time so she can start some of the processes earlier.  Usually, I am gone to work as I leave the house at 6:30 a.m.  I think that this would alleviate the stress of being late every day.  I’m worried that suggesting such a thing would cause conflict where she would be mad at me.  So therefore, I won’t say anything.  I guess I just don’t know how to be.  I really like/want to talk and discuss everything and she doesn’t.”

“I realize that her and I have different definitions of peace.  She feels peace when there is no confrontation, even if that means we don’t talk.  I want to talk about everything.  I want to work through everything and have our feelings out on the table.  I am very much an extrovert and she’s an introvert.  In terms of wanting to interact physically or emotionally, I feel like we are so different.  Our conversations always go so poorly and I end up feeling like I’m so wrong, and in order to have the closeness that I crave, I just can’t say anything.  I’m not even clear on what is reasonable or okay to suggest or say.”

First of all, I just want to empathize with the difficulty here.  There’s this huge gap between what you’re describing about what you want to feel – this level of openness and collaboration to conquer and resolve difficulties that you’re experiencing and just feeling like your hands are tied and backed in a corner where you can’t say anything because its feels like it’s going to rock the boat and cause conflict, and push her further away.

Again, I talked about in a relationship sometimes when we’re confronted with conflict, we feel like we have a choice to compromise our own needs or compromise your partner’s needs by really assertively wanting them to meet your needs.  So it’s a conflict.  I just empathize with how painful this is and how difficult it is.

First of all, I just want to say thank you for putting your question out there and I’m hoping that I can be of some help and assistance in offering some thoughts to consider today.  I’m also hoping that other listeners can receive value from this conversation as well.

One comment here – I just want to know, as with most questions or situations, they’re complex, right?  So, this is it – just about dealing with a communication gap or how to articulate something in a way that’s going to minimize this critical, defensive, negative cycle.  This is also a little bit about last week’s topic about addressing an uncomfortable topic with your partner and how to set that up more for success.  There’s a lot of things to consider, so I would suggest to this listener, if you haven’t already listened to episode 53, that that could be also additional support in your question.

One of the things that stands out to me most in this question is the differences – recognizing that your significant other has a different way of operating.  You mentioned extrovert versus introvert.  I do think that introverts and extroverts stereotypically – I mean, there’s many different flavors and shades of extroverts as well as introverts.  I don’t want to reduce the complexity here, but I will say extroverts typically like to process out loud, like they’re comfortable verbally.  So, they’re thinking out loud, they’re processing out loud.  Usually there’s a quicker pace because they’re not doing the “think-before-you-speak,” where an introvert is usually much more comfortable reflecting on their thoughts and their feelings and kind of processing internally.  So, they’re not going to be thinking out loud.  They’re probably going to want a little time to think about whatever the topic is at hand.

My first tip is just the recognition of the style and the pace.  There’s really no good or bad, right or wrong.  You’ll hear me reference the good or bad, right or wrong, it’s because it’s so typical to be egocentric a little bit in your preference.  If it works for you, you really see the benefits of it and you’re like, “Why aren’t you just doing it my way?”  So, we tend to have that lean where we’re going to approach a difference, we’re thinking that our way is a little better.

So if I can remind you to recognize your styles might be different, and that again they’re both valuable.  With that recognition, what I would invite you to do – so I’m talking to this listener who I’m assuming is little more adept verbally, right?  He’s saying he likes to talk about everything, he’s saying he’s an extrovert, he’s saying that he’s the one initiating these conversations and feels really at a loss when he’s getting the feedback that his partner is not interested and is not wanting to talk about conflict or conflictual topics.

The invitation here is really how to make room in your relationship for both people, how to participate in a collaborative, shared space.  Sometimes, this requires slowing down in the interest of connecting with your partner because truly the ultimate goal is to communicate where both you and your partner are engaged.

If you’re in a space of talking fast or talking a lot and your partner is not participating, then the scenario is you’re dominating or occupying more of the space, and you don’t want to lose her.  You don’t want to lose your partner.  I know I fall into this category where I am much more of an extrovert.  I’m much more verbal than my husband, and I have to be really cognizant that my goal is not to just get all my thoughts out.  I mean, sometimes I have the impulse to do that.  But I know that if I’m just focused on wanting to articulate almost like an attorney giving my closing speech, we run the risk of losing our partner, right?  If they’re not engaged, there’s a lot of things that could happen for them.  They could feel overwhelmed.  They could feel shut down.  They could feel like, “It’s not good enough.  I don’t know what to say,” and feeling pressured.  These are all indicators that they’re not enjoying the communication dynamic.

If you’ve listened to my previous podcast, you know I’m a huge proponent for being active, being engaged in the process of relationship dynamics, asserting, being pro-active about what you’re needing or wanting.  If we put activeness and passiveness on a spectrum – you have being really active and you have really passive.  Now, I think there’s side effects of both extremes.

I think what I’m really wanting to target here is the collaborative space so that you’re engaged and have your vote on the table, so to speak, with your preferences, what you’re needing, what you’re wanting.  There’s also consideration for your partner and their style, their needs, and what’s going to feel good to them.

The real goal here is for you each to feel connected and engaged and alive in your dynamic where it’s authentic and real.  You’re addressing problem areas in a way that feels confident.  It might feel difficult and upsetting at times because there’s pain around that, but there’s confidence that you’re going to get through it, that there’s a way to come together, and there’s a way to improve and resolve and become better as partners.  That’s the real beauty of this, and again, most of us don’t see the possibility for resolution.  We get really stuck in these conflictual patterns and not knowing how to overcome them.

Yes, I am talking to the listener who posed this question, but I do want to be clear that I think it’s both people in the relationship – both partner’s responsibility to share in creating a space that feels good for both people.

But for this listener who’s posing the question, I am going to say to you – if you can be aware of how you’re connecting with your partner in these realms where you’re wanting to address an issue and your partner is hesitant or concerned about how that’s going to not maybe go that well.  So in a moment, I will give you some ideas around how to set that up more for success.  In this point here, I’m just inviting you to consider what it would be like to slow down.

I was talking to someone just the other day and I was using this analogy.  It’s almost like if you’ve ever played an instrument, your finding the key or the finding the emotional tone of your partner and it might be different day to day.  So can I tune in to them, their frequency, their emotional engagement?  Where are they?  Can I be perceptive and slow down to get that information?  Because if we’re only focused on ourselves and how are we going to get our monologue out, we’re viably going to run the risk of losing connection.

So we want to still hold true to what’s real for us and being authentic, and being able to articulate that, but also being, again, connected and pacing it so that you’re communicating because communicating is two ways.  It’s not about just speaking.  It’s about speaking in a way so that your partner can hear you.  There’s the receiving – the sender and the receiver.  There are many times where I’m talking to my husband and I can my feel my speed or I can feel my excitement about whatever I’m saying.

There are times where I allow myself a little space to share.  I want to have that space to be me, but I’m also reminding myself actively checking in with him, looking at him, and pausing to give space for him to come to the table.  You know another thing that I used with clients is this analogy of throwing a ball, like playing catch.  So you want to have the ball some of the time, but you also want to toss the ball.  So you’re in a relationship.  You want to toss the ball to your partner, allow them to do something with it and toss it back.  So there’s this give and take.

Before I go on to my next point, I do want to say I received a question from a listener that is the one being criticized.  So I know that I’ve focused a lot on how to relate.  If you’re the one that’s having the critical thoughts or the judgments, because I’ve had a lot of client asks me about that.  Next week I’m going to be giving you information around how to deal being criticized.  I want to focus on that part as well.  I know there’s two roles here.

So to address this listener’s question, I’m focusing on the one that is the more assertive, the more verbal one that might be having the impulse to be more critical, the one that’s wanting to initiate more.

So my first two points are largely about the communication patterns and what’s happening that might be informing your pace or your style and how do you recognize and make room for different styles so that you’re actually connecting.  Well, the third tip is about awareness.  When you’re writing about the stress in the morning with the kids and feeling the rushed pace of that, one of the first key that’s really overlooked most of the time – it’s easy to bypass this step, but I think it’s so important because it’s rich and I think it can also really shift the communication pattern.  I’m going to talk about that in a second.

So this step is about awareness.  While it might seem like your partner is doing something problematic that’s causing the issue, I want to invite you first to look at what’s going on in me?  First of all, I’m having a judgment about that, which is totally fine.  I know we kind of associate judgment with a negative connotation, but really we all are judging all the time.  It’s a way of categorizing.  It’s a way of organizing information.  And so we just want to be aware, “Okay, I’m having the judgment that she should be getting up a half an hour early to accomplish her tasks in a much more relaxed way.  I think it would be beneficial for the kids.  I think it would be less stressful for her.  So I have that judgment.”

Now, I want to invite you go a little deeper with it.  So this is tuning in to you.  What’s happening for you when she is running late?  It sounds like a lot of the time you don’t even get to observe it.  You’re already gone for work.  But when you are home and you are observing her running late, what happens for you?

You might have concern for the children.  You might have concern for her.  It might feel stressful for you.  There’s some discomfort there that you might be aware of that you tune in, “What’s going on for me when I watch her running late?”  What happens for you?  What does it remind you of?  What does it feel like in your body?  What are you wanting?  Do you have a preference for a really peaceful morning?

Why is this step so helpful is we tune in, we might recognize, “Wow, I have some discomfort about this,” or “I get anxious when I see her running late.”  So that’s incredibly important to know because if you’re feeling anxious and you want to control her because you’re feeling anxious that’s really good to know.  Most likely she’s just going to feel that.

So if you can bring awareness to what’s your real intention here, what’s the real underlying need, then if you can own it, she’ll be much more likely to hear that.  But if you make it about her without even looking at what’s going on for you, and if it’s really a mechanism for you to feel more peace, and you’re wanting to control her, she’s probably going to push back against that.  There’s no blame or shame if you do recognize any anxiety.  That’s a real desire.  That’s a real understandable, worthy preference or need to feel relaxed in the morning, to feel to start the day off with some level of peace.

So a couple of questions that might help in again the seeking of an awareness about what’s going on for you is, “Is this something I’m trying to control?” Or “Is this something I’m trying to help with?” “What would this allow me to feel?” is another way of asking.

The second question here is, “Is this something I can accept?”  Now, I’m not asking you to think about accepting it.  It’s another way of gaining more insight around what’s going on for you.  Because if you recognize, “No, I think this is not okay for our kids to have this level of stress, and I’m also concerned about her level of stress.  I’m not okay with this.”  That might alert you that you might have a certain boundary around this or certain real concern.

So with this awareness step it’s going to give you more information around what your motivation is, what’s underneath it, which is going to really help your communication.  Because what happens sometimes when we’re talking with our significant other is we’re wanting to feel heard.  We’re wanting to feel seen and validated.  We want our perspective to be considered and taken into account.

But what can happen is if we have done a little bit of that pre-step of checking in and gaining some insight around what’s really important to us?  We’ve almost done some self-validation.  There’s more clarity around what it is that we’re needing.  So when we can be that much more clear, our partner can hear that in a much better way.  If we’re really working super hard to get validated and get heard, and then our partner’s pushing back, then it can just feel like this vicious cycle where neither person is getting heard.

The other thing that’s really beautiful about self-validation, that gaining some insight into what you’re experiencing before talking with your partner, is you’re going to be a little more patient.  You’re going to be a little more allowing.  There’s going to be a little more space there.

So the fourth tip or thought that I have to share is about being curious.  If you can enter into a conversation with her that’s more relaxed, usually you don’t want to bring things up, contentious topics, when everything is doing well.  But I highly recommend it because you guys are both relaxed, you’re both resourced, you’re both feeling calm.  That’s using the pre-frontal cortex part of our brain, like every higher thinking faculty is on board.  But when we’re stressed, those higher-level thinking faculties are not available.  So you want to address these topics when things are going well.

I know it’s a very counter-intuitive thing.  We want to bring something up when we’re feeling a little “eh,” like we have an issue and we want to address it.  But I just want to reiterate here that if you can tag it, almost like make a mental note, and then if you can come back to it when things are calm, you’re going to be much more able to be curious.

This is really the same step of awareness and kind of gathering information, but it’s being present for her.  So just asking her, “What’s your experience in the morning?  I’ve observed what seems like you’re running late and it seems stressful, but I’m just curious like what’s your experience?”

If she doesn’t even think that she’s running late – that’s interesting.  What about that?  It doesn’t feel rushed to her.  How come it works?  Then it might be a question around – she does acknowledge, “Well, yeah.  I am running late.”  Well, what is that doing for you?  Can I just be curious about that?  Is she needing more sleep?  Is she going to bed too late, or is there too much she’s trying to do?  Is there too much in her plate?  Is she trying to get that extra half hour sleep in the morning?  That could be something to look at.

This might point to other parts in your home that could be dealt a little bit better.  If she could get an extra half hour of sleep, that could maybe provide a little more space in the morning.  Or, is she meeting that deadline, like some people needs a short deadline to motivate?  Some people feel the motivation under pressure.

Could it be more worth considering, what would make it more enjoyable?  What would make the morning more motivating for you?  That could be an interesting topic to ponder with her.  Like what would make the morning more pleasurable?  It’s kind of interesting thing to think about morning as very much like work and getting the kids ready.  But what would make her more enjoyable?  Or, is she used to running on adrenaline and stress?  Does she have this pace in life where she is running on adrenaline?  That would be point to the concern that you might be having about the stress of running late.

When we can gain this information we are much more able to communicate in a really constructive way even if we’re feeling dramatically different.  Even if you’re saying “You know what, I am so concerned about the stress that you’re experiencing in the morning.  I don’t like what this might be doing to your health.  I’m really concerned about the kids and what they’re experiencing in the morning.”

She might say something to the effect, “You know what? This is how I’ve always been.  It seems like the kids are fine.  We get what we need to get done and it is what it is.  Just deal with it.”  It could really feel like the conversation stops there.  But if you’re seeking to understand and you’re really unpacking it, not just taking it on first glance, like go and explore with yourself and with her by doing these prior steps, you are well on your way to more constructive communication.

You do want the goal of having a way, a system so to speak, that supports both of you to feel good and engaged in the communication.  You want something that is comfortable for both of you.  Some couples, it might look like “Okay, let’s just sit down and talk about what the topic is,” without going to solution mode right away.  Couples go way too quickly into trying to solve, and then they feel frustrated and completely at odds between these polarized position, and feel this extreme gap and totally uncertain about how to take a step forward.

So some resources for you, because I do know that this takes practice, it takes intention, and it takes support.  Anytime we’re wanting to do something new or learn something new or venture into new territory, most of us seek support of people who have done it before or just know that can support them to accomplish the goal.

So I do encourage you to get some support to change some of these patterns, to take new steps.  It takes a tremendous amount of courage to behave differently, to try something new, and also to set it up for success by talking to your partner around, “I want you to feel good about our interactions.  I realize that it hasn’t felt good to you and I want it to feel good to you.  So let’s look at how do we build a new system together.”

There’s possibilities.  Some couples, like I said, will talk about an issue and then not go to the solution mode but will think about it for a while.  That might be something that she needs – some space to reflect on some of the topics in a really supportive way.  There’s nothing bad or wrong.  Yeah, it’s uncomfortable to tolerate, but that there’s spaciousness there, that she gets that time.  That might be something she’s needing.

Communication skills – we are not taught really anywhere, and doubly, I think for men stereotypically are often encouraged to be really assertive, to be active, to be the leader, to be the initiator, and to sometimes dominate even, which again does not have to be a bad thing.  But when we’re looking at relationships skills, communication skills, it’s a very different style than you might be using at work or other venues.

So to be in this collaborative, allowing space will take some practice.  One book that I would recommend is Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and he even thinks there’s meet-up groups about non-violent communication and it’s a communication tool that I think is pretty consistent with many other different types of communication tools.  I think he does a great job of packaging it.

And I want to encourage you to consider, perhaps, taking advantage of my free complementary strategies session or seeking the consult of someone that focuses on couples improvement or couples coaching, couples therapy to help guide you provide a container where you can feel both safe, understood, and guided to these higher levels of operating.  This does take a level of maturing and getting out of old habits or just learning some new habits.  The old habits might be helpful in certain areas in your life, but relationally, what you’re describing doesn’t feel like it’s working for you or your significant others.  So how to learn and get the support, get the guidance to build new ways of operating that support you both, where you can both feel authentic and engaged and enlivened in.

In summary, what I am sharing with you today is, number one, recognizing differences in your relationship – the style, the pacing, and the patterning – introversion, extroversion – and really making room.  Number two, for both to be okay and focusing on connection.  What’s going to feel good and allow you both to engage in a really healthy, constructive way?

Number three, is self-awareness, self-validation, what’s going on for you. And then four, what’s going on for your partner, getting curious about what’s going on for them? That then sets up for constructive communication, which is number five.

I realize all these comments and tips that I’m mentioning might seem overwhelming.  If it’s new to you, and you haven’t considered some of these things before, it might seem like a lot.  But I want to encourage you that all of my clients have gained extreme value in themselves personally and improving their relationship skills, even if there are some clients who have not been able to overcome their relationship challenges.  Sometimes couples come to me and so much build up and they’re kind of already done with their relationship and it’s just too late to repair.  But even still, they tell me, “You’ve taught me so much and I feel so grateful for what I have become aware of, and what I’m practicing and it’s going to help me no matter what in any relationship.”

So, I guess, what I’m wanting to do is just encourage you that these things might seem uncomfortable, might take bravery to start practicing, and that you will be so much better off for it.  You will feel equipped.  You’ll have the tools and the skills to accomplish what you’re wanting.  Again, that leads me to just the title of this podcast which is for you to feel empowered in your relationship, for you to be able to create what you want in your relationship.  I know it’s possible for you.  I know it’s difficult at times.  Again, I am with you.  I am practicing all of these as well and just really want to support you.

If you have any feedback or have a question you would like me to talk about in an upcoming podcast, please email me at [email protected], or you can click on CONTACT on my website which is drjessicahiggins.com, and you can find the ways to reach me there.

Thank you for spending your time with me today.  As always, I appreciate you and I’m in great gratitude to you.  Until next time, I hope you take a great care.

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