ERP 055 – What To Do When You’re Feeling Criticized In Relationship
Welcome to the Empowered Relationship Podcast – helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach, who shares valuable tips, tools, and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
This podcast is 100% ad-free. To support the show, please subscribe and write a review today. Here’s your host.
* * *
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Hi. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for carving out some time in your life to just contemplate relationship and principles to help you feel that much more successful. I’m always honored to spend this time with you and really connect with you.
If you’ve been listening to my podcast this month, you’ve been hearing me really promote and really celebrate the year anniversary of this podcast. As a gift to you, I’ve been opening up my schedule for free, complementary strategy sessions for you to target some specific areas that you would like to improve in your relationship.
And so, it’s been so wonderful meeting with some of you and really helping support what you’re wanting to accomplish in your relationship – really having some clear intention around what you want to create and what you want to overcome. It’s been such a privilege to meet with some of you.
If you’re interested in this still, I just have a few spots left, and you can reach me by e-mailing me at [email protected] and just let me know you want to take advantage of this free strategy session with me. There’s only been a couple of people that I have really felt like it was a good fit and have shared the opportunity to engage with me deeply in a six-month coaching program. I might be offering that if it feels like a good fit, but I really more than anything am just wanting to offer this as a gift.
The other thing that I have been doing this month is answering some listener’s questions, but also organizing it so that it fits with some of the common relationship concerns that bring couples into therapy or reaching out for support with their relationship. If you’re interested, you can find episode 52, where I address attachment styles and what’s getting activated in the pain when we are disconnected.
In episode 53, I’m talking about the power struggle – that second stage in relationship, where we felt really at odds.
In episode 54, I’m talking about criticism and particularly the critical-defensive cycle.
So today, I’m continuing the topic of criticism in today’s episode, which is episode 55, “What to Do When You’re Feeling Criticized in Relationship.”
This topic comes from a listener’s question. Roy has recently experienced a break-up. In reflection of his relationship, he’s wanting to know – How do you deal with criticism? How do you deal with being criticized? So he writes: “You’ve done some wonderful work on avoiding or transfiguring critique if you’re the one giving it. However, what if you’re in the receiving end, and your partner is constantly looking for faults? How would you turn that around?”
“My first instinct was to break-up with her, that her mind had been poisoned with the opinions of others. Key members of her friends and family thought that I was a bit too weird and awkward, socially inept, even inappropriate. Growing up in a small town, smaller schools, and being a tacky, judgmental city folk like that don’t really get me. Initially we agreed that I see a therapist and read some social skills books, since I am compliant and an advocate of self-improvement.”
So he goes on and to talk about kind of gaining awareness and really improving his situation and described that when she didn’t have anything else to criticize him about socially, she started criticizing other things about him – like the way he washed his hands and teased her, and all these different ways.
He then goes on to write: “Eventually it started bothering me. About a year of that was enough, and I started standing for myself, just straight-up saying ‘no,’ sometimes refusing the critique outright even when she went distant after that, and two months later she broke things off.”
So here Roy is basically asking, “How could I have handled that any differently? Having the experience of being criticized over, and over, and over again for many different things?”
Well, first of all, I just want to acknowledge your effort and interest in improving your skillfulness in relationship. And yet sometimes you’ve done the best you could do, and sometimes partners are not in the same place that we are. So, sometimes this means trusting your instincts. So maybe this wasn’t the best fit. Maybe she wanted different things than you did. Maybe she’s looking for a level of sophistication or a level of outward appearance and conscientiousness around other people, and maybe her priorities and values are really different than yours.
Even still with different values and priorities, I still think there’s a way to navigate these differences in a way that the relationship can still flourish. However, there’s some basic appreciation, respect, and value that it sounds like you’re needing in relationship. And so I’m not sure what was lending to her criticism.
So I do have some tips around – perhaps could you’ve gotten more information? Sure. Would that have shifted things? I don’t know. It might have had and it might not have. So there was something you were feeling about her not being a good fit for you that could be just worth acknowledging that, “I need to listen to my gut.”
Hindsight is 20/20. I get that it’s easy to say that now. It’s just developing a relationship with your gut – kind of afraid – you want to be listening to your inner wisdom.
And sometimes we don’t know. We like someone enough to at least explore the possibility of dating. But if your instinct is telling you, “I’m not sure that she’s in a position to really appreciate and accept me the way that I am, and really value me or value what I bring to the relationship,” then you want to gather information and see if she is able to do that. If she is giving you and demonstrating that she’s not, then again maybe that’s not a good fit. You guys are not on the same page. You don’t want to invest in something that’s going to be out of alignment with what’s important to you. So if you’re wanting to feel valued in relationship and you’re with somebody that doesn’t value what you bring, that’s not going to feel good.
So again my first point here is to trust yourself. If you feel an inner wisdom or gut instinct, I would listen to that. If you want to get confirmation or check that out and explore the possibility, you want to be tracking, “Okay, am I getting information that disproves this or proves this to be true?”
One of the ways that you can gather information is just observing how she interacts with you, right? So this concept I sometimes talk about people who are dating – like the analogy of playing catch. So you want to initiate, you want to throw the ball, you want to put something out there, and then you want to see what they do with that ball and how they pass it back. So if she’s giving you a lot of criticism that might not support your need to feel valued in the relationship. So this would be evidence that she isn’t really seeing the merit of what you have to offer.
But it doesn’t need to stop there. There is still a way to explore this. It’s actually quite difficult to do if you’re in the heat of the moment. But if you can ask in a calmer state, you might be able to get to know what’s going on for her. What’s underneath these critical statements? Like is she just feeling insecure for some reason? We don’t know.
So if you’re in a calmer place and can just really get curious – in my coaching work with my clients, when I work with couples, I teach them about a principle and an exercise that really helps them develop this skill. But really, it has a lot to do with really being calm and really being curious about what’s going on for her, asking questions around, “Okay, so it doesn’t seem that you’re liking the way that I wash my hands, so what would me washing my hands differently do for you? What would it allow you to feel? Let me understand what’s going on for you that you’re wanting to feel.” Or, “Wow, it seems like you have some issues the way that I operate, and I’m not understanding what’s that about for you. Are you wanting me to be different, or is there certain things that you’re concerned about or feeling challenged with? I would like to understand that more.”
Or, you could even be a pretty blunt, question around not in an attacking way but just being honest, like “Wow, it seems like you have a lot of negative opinions or critiques of me. I know you are saying you want to be with me, but can you help me understand how come you want to be with me? What is it about me that really interests you? How come you really want to be with me specifically?”
This can really be a curious question around that – “I hear you mention a lot of things that you have issue with, and I just am trying to come in terms with what is it that you like about me. What is it that really draws you into relationship with me?” And the intention around all of these questions again is to get to know what’s going on in her because she’s participating in some critical statements and behavior, and if you’re wanting to explore relationship, like trying to understand where is that coming from.
My third point has to do with boundaries. So, it sounds that you did get there and you got fed up, and you really took a stand for yourself. If you’re asking me, “What could I have done differently?” I would perhaps consider, along with trusting yourself, asking curious questions, asserting your needs and your desires more proactively, not giving attention to negative critique and dialogue – not engaging in that, but really putting a stand for respect and acceptance.
“So I am not going to participate in this critical dialogue. This doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t enjoy this. But I am interested in talking about what is positive, what does work? And if you have some feedback for me–” this goes into point four – “I’m wanting to feel in some constructive language with you. So I am open to hearing what you have to say, but I want to know what it means to you, and then also hearing what you’re wanting to experience with me.”
So less about “You’re not doing it right. What are you wanting me to do?” So it’s more constructive. I have a chart, a side-by-side recommendation around what’s a critical way of relating and how to transform that into constructive ways of relating. If anybody’s interested, you can find that on the show notes.
And so this is really redirecting the conversation. This is, in part, setting a boundary – like “The critical dialogue doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t enjoy that and I don’t want to participate in that. So I’m going to draw a boundary that I’m not going to do that with you.”
But if you’re interested in the constructive dialogue, some ideas I have around with this could look like: “I’m open to hearing what your experience is, I’m open to hearing your preferences, and I’m wanting to talk about ways to be constructive together.”
I think this is most effective, like I’m saying, when things are calm. In the heat of the moment, this could be used as a form of criticism and response. You’re not being constructive. You could get into a difficult argument or dialogue around this. So you want to really invite somebody into want you’re wanting – less about trying to blame or shame them for what they’re doing that doesn’t feel good.
And my last point here in number five is really about self-validation. So when our significant other is being critical, it can be devastating and we can lose our way. We can lose our sense of self. We can really feel just broken and really crushed, and kind of lose our way a little bit. So with anybody that I’ve worked with, couples or individuals, often I am recommending two-pronged approach, which is how to work individually on your personal growth, as well as your relationship growth.
So, even in a specific topic like wanting to feel valued or accepted, so you can advocate for this into your relationship – redirect her, tell her what you want to participate in, what you’re interested in. If she’s not interested, you have your answer – she’s not interested. But if you can redirect her and let her know what you’re wanting, then maybe that opens up a possibility together. So you’re advocating and you’re doing some relationship growth.
Simultaneously, you can also self-validate “I’m a good person.” I loved your email –there’s some description around your background that lends to somebody’s differences, but there’s no shame on that. There’s no blame – it’s just different. So if you could take that one step further and just really acknowledge perhaps your brilliance in technology –maybe being more down-to-earth or being less appearance-driven and more humble – I don’t know. I’m kind of making this up, but some traits and qualities about yourself that you can really value and really own. Like, “This is me. This is what I value. This is what I stand for,” and really seeing in the good in that and appreciating that. Because if you’re doing that individually, I can guarantee you, you’re going to be that much more able to engage in the relationship growth.
There’s a lot more I could say about that, but that’s more or less the tips that I have to offer you today, which is number one, learning how to trust yourself and really know what you’re needing and what you’re wanting, what you’re really interested in in a relationship. So you can recognize that when you’re off-course, when you want to listen to your inner gut, your inner wisdom, and even if you’re still willing to explore and pursue that you are a little more mindful, a little more cognizant around if you’re getting information, is it confirming your gut instinct or is it telling you to proceed? Like this is alignment with what you’re wanting and what you’re valuing.
So number two is if you are still interested in exploring – really asking curious questions – really get to know like if you’re going to invest the time and energy to explore a relationship with someone. If you can, try to empty the cup. Unpack and really get to know what’s underneath some of the criticism. What is her experience? What is she feeling? What is she thinking? What is she worried about? All of these will help you further understand what’s going on in this critical approach that she has. Maybe she’s brought up in this really parents-driven “You need to have things super polished and dialed in, and people will reject you if you’re not.” and it’s kind of this very “keep up with the Joneses” type of thing.
So the third is boundaries – how to be really clear. It’s less about even imposing the boundary on someone else, but it has to do with what you’re going to participate in and in what you’re not going to participate in. So, redirecting, which is number four. Redirecting towards constructive feedback, constructive dialogue, how you want to interact like, “I’m open to hearing your feedback, but let’s look at what you are wanting. Is this something that can work with me? How do we work together?” And again, I have the charts that can give you some examples of this.
And number five is really the self-validation – how to really stand in your own worthiness and really feel value in yourself. That’s unshakable, that’s powerful. You want a partner that’s going to meet you in that, but I think that inner work is really important as well.
Thank you, Roy, for submitting this question. I so appreciate just you’re reaching out and then also knowing there are other people that are really going to benefit from this question. So thank you for putting yourself out there. Hopefully, some of these tips have been helpful. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to reach out to me.
Or, anyone else listening, if you have a question that you would like me to speak to in an upcoming podcast, please feel free to reach out to me via e-mail, [email protected], or you can click on the CONTACT and find all the ways to reach me there.
People have been leaving me voice mails on my plug-in, that’s you can record a voice-mail straight from my website. So my website is drjessicahiggins.com and you can click on CONTACT to find all of that.
You can also click on PODCAST to find the show notes for today’s episode. Again, today’s episode is episode 55, and the title is “What to Do If You’re Feeling Criticized in Relationship.”
One of my longer term visions is to lead retreats in destination settings, where couples can come and really be held by the retreat experience, but also deepen in the experience of these principles being led by me and perhaps co-facilitators that really add to the experience.
Well. that’s to come. I imagine in next year, I will have something really beautiful to offer you. Well, I have an amazing opportunity for you to engage with me personally and Bruce Van Horn. It’s funny, in my strategy sessions, many of you have become acquainted with me and my podcasts through Bruce Van Horn. So I want to personally invite you to a three-night Baja cruise in May – that’s May 19th through the 22nd, where we are going to be looking at relationship and how to transform the way you relate to others, so that it just uplifts you and allows you to experience another level in your career, in your family, with your children, and most importantly, with your significant other. So we’re going to do a deep dive, and we’re really going to be in community, and really going to make this weekend extremely impactful, powerful, and transformational.
One of the things that I love most about this cruise is that it’s so accessible. The price point is extremely affordable for more of a retreat setting. I’m not even sure if you like cruises, and personally I’ve never been on a cruise, so this would be a new experience. I’m just thrilled to be doing it in this way – collaborating with Bruce Van Horn and creating a space for you to really transform your relationship dynamics and get live personal attention in the form of community by the group, and by Bruce and I. So I know we’ll have a lot of fun. I know it will be positive, uplifting, and inspiring, as well as, again, deeply transformative as the title is – “Transform Your Life.”
If you are interested in more details, you can find the link to this event on my show notes page. Again, drjessicahiggins.com is my website, click on PODCAST, and click on the most recent episode, which is episode 55, and you would find the link to this “Transform Your life Baja Cruise – May 2016.” I would love for you to join us, and I think it would be tremendous. Again, there’s lots of benefits to this and you can find all the details on the events page. So if you have any questions or want to learn more, you can reach out to me personally. Again, my e-mail is [email protected].
Next week, I have an incredible interview from an amazing woman that’s really well known in the field, and she’s just dropping golden nuggets after golden nuggets. So I hope you’ll check that out. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
* * *
You’ve been listening to Empowered Relationship – your relationship guide. Remember to take a moment to write a review and subscribe today. You can also get your free relationship gift by visiting drjessicahiggins.com.
0 Comments