ERP 067: Why Blaming Is A Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It

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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Hi, thank you for joining me. Today’s podcast episode is Why Blaming Is a Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It. This episode is episode 67, and if you’re interested in today’s show notes, you can find them on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com You can click on Podcast and find the most recent episodes there at the top. Click on any podcast you’re interested in. Again, today’s episode is 67, and you can find the show notes as well as the transcript available. The transcripts come a few days after the publishing, so if you want that transcript and you don’t see it right away, check back in a few days and it will likely be up there.

If you are a consistent listener, I missed last week. I was in Minneapolis, Minnesota with my husband. We had a death in the family, my father-in-law passed away not last Friday but the Friday before. So my husband and I flew out as quickly as possible to be with family and really grieve and be there for the services. It was a really incredibly difficult week and we felt so grateful to be able to share in that really special, very sad, but important time, to really commemorate him, to really honor him and who he was. He’s been in ill health the last several years so it wasn’t completely unexpected, but very sad.

He was extremely loved, and such a great man, and really showed up in the most loving, unconditionally regarded way. He just was a phenomenal human being, and his presence and how much he loved and showed up for people. It was really beautiful to feel everyone’s regard for him, and also really sad.

So I appreciate your patience in the delay of my publishing last week’s episode, and thank you for understanding.

Also, if you’ve been following, I’ve been telling you about an experience and an opportunity to enter into shifting any criticism, blame, complaining dynamics you might be having with your partner or your significant other. Criticism and blame can be extremely damaging to the love bond, and it’s one of the number one relationship killers, so to speak. So if you’re interested and really committed to shifting this dynamic in your ways of relating – because it can be really habitual and almost addictive to fall into this blame, shaming and criticism, and we’re going to talk a little bit more about that today.

I’ve been in a series here. In my last podcast episode I had a guest, Katie Hendricks. She was talking with us about why criticism can be so damaging, and how to shift into more loving communication. She is one of my mentors, she is someone I have regarded in the field of couples work for a very long time. If you missed that, I encourage you to check it out. The one before that, which would have been episode 65, I talked about complaining.

I wanted to let you know that I postponed the deadline for this five-week program because I was gone last week, so the deadline will be midnight Monday, 20th of June. If you’re interested in entering into this experience to shift your criticism and really shift into love and connection and support, and feel valued, feel confident about your needs getting met, and being proactive in how to address those issues with your partner, and that it lends to positive change… A lot of us want to do the work, but we don’t feel confident that it’s going to result in anything positive, so we avoid it.

So I want to help you feel equipped, I want to give you the tools, I want to give you the experience of how to negotiate those difficult waters in a really skillful and empowering way, so you feel a change within yourself and a change within your relationship.

The other good news is I’ve just kind of been with my family and prioritizing relationship – my father-in-law’s name was Warren, and one of his highest values was family and relationship, so seeing everybody speak to that, in a testament to the value of how he prioritized his life, and the way he showed up for people, it really just opened my heart and really invited me into just wanting so much to support your relationship going to the next level, where you can feel your bond strengthen or feel repair if you feel like it’s struggling at the moment, and really setting course to a real relationship you can feel fulfilled in. And maybe really just feeling more secure and getting on track on that path, if you’re not on that track.

So I just wanted to make this easy for you to say yes, because I believe in this work so much, and I know the importance of it. When we’re in day-to-day life, it’s easy to just kind of keep on with the status quo, but when something like this happens and we’re looking at what really matters, then it’s a call for pause. It invites us to look at our priorities a little more closely, and I want for you to have a relationship that speaks to you, that you feel close and loved and cherished in.

When we’re in those critical dynamics and we’re feeling defensiveness, it’s very difficult to feel that closeness, that strength, that bond.

So I slashed 200 dollars off of the already discounted price. It was 397, now it’s 197. This is a five-week program, and you don’t have to share – yes, it’s in a group, but you do not have to share your personal experience. What you’ll do is submit your questions, your burning questions about the topics I have laid out. I am tailoring this to your specific, burning questions, issues, concerns, and I am making this just for you. So you’ll submit your questions ahead of time and I’ll gather all of those and I’ll combine that with the information that I want to deliver to you.

If you can’t show up live, you can still participate in self–pace, and you’re going to get two one-on-one sessions with me (half an hour). They’re two sessions to really do a deeper dive with this material. You will have what you need to really get out of those critical patterns and really set course for the relationship that you hopefully ultimately want in your life.

If you’d like to know more, you can find a page that has all this information on my show notes page. Again, this is episode 67, and you can find that on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com. If you still have questions, I’d love to jump on a call with you and really answer anything that you might be concerned about or wondering about.

I am just excited to work with you, I’m excited to help you really shift and transform, and change your relationship dynamics in a very powerful way.

Let’s get started for today’s podcast episode, Why Blaming Is a Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It.

So why do we blame? I think blame often comes down to two reasons. One is for self-protection. We want to save face when something bad happens, or something wrong happens. We’re looking for whose fault is it, and if we’re wanting to protect our sense of self, we’re going to be thinking “It’s not my fault, it’s your fault.” It’s some level of “I wanna look good, I wanna appear smart, or thoughtful, or kind.” There’s lots of things that we associate about who we believe ourselves to be, or how we want to be perceived by others.

This is the smallest example, but I sometimes fall into this as well. My husband and I were staying with a dear friend in Minneapolis last week – I’m even embarrassed to say this, but when I do these podcast episodes I’m really looking at myself as well… So again, I tell you over and over and over again – all of these principles I practice, I’m on this path with you. I walk my talk, or I do my very best to. Again, I’m not perfect, but I’m giving you some real personal examples to just see what it looks like, and I’m gonna give you some other examples of clients that I’ve worked with as well, when this comes into play a little more emotionally.

This was the silliest example, but it’s still a version of “It’s not my fault.” I like to drink tea in the morning, and I had the kettle, and I think I’d filled it up, and I think my husband was making some eggs, so he put the kettle on the burner, turned it on and all of that. Well later our friend was like “Oh, did you want this…” – so the kettle has the top that you want to have flipped down so that when it boils it whistles. And it wasn’t down, I think my husband forgot to put it down, or I didn’t put it down. But needless to be, I totally put it on my husband. I was like, “Oh, Reid put it on”, and it was like I in some way, in a nanosecond, thought that our friend was commenting on “This was the incorrect way to put the tea kettle on the burner”, and I was like “I know that, I make tea all the time. That’s Reid’s fault.” But it was so automatic, and I actually called myself on it. I’m like “I’m so sorry, that was so silly of me to put that on you.” I caught myself and I apologized, but it was a way of self-protection.

If I’m really being honest, it’s like “Oh, I’m a smart person. I know that the tea kettle lid is supposed to go on so that it whistles”, and in some ways I was putting it off on my husband. Again, this is in the smallest version, there was really no harm or foul, but it’s still an example of self-protection – “It’s not my fault!”

I’m going to give you some more examples in a moment, but I want to say the second reason why I think we blame is to deflect and discharge negative feelings and discomfort or pain. This is largely about “I’m uncomfortable. I’m feeling pain, something’s happened that feels bad, and I don’t want to fully feel it. I want it to be someone else’s fault so I can distance myself from whatever discomfort I’m feeling.”

A little while ago I think I shared with you guys that my husband and I were experiencing some challenges on the volleyball court. We were playing in a league together, and we were getting into this blame game a little bit. At the time – less so now – my husband was feeling stressed at work and just feeling like he was in a new position, and the learning curve was pretty steep, and just the kind of dynamics at work… He was not feeling like he was as competent as he would want to feel, or getting that positive feedback. He probably was doing a fantastic job, but just wasn’t getting the kind of accolades that he’s used to. So there was some feeling of a little insecurity or inadequacy if I’m going to really call it on a deeper level. And on the volleyball court we weren’t playing to our skill level. We just weren’t playing as well as we could play or normally would play, and my husband was getting frustrated with me, and then I was feeling very much defensive and wanting to blame him in return.

If we’re going to look at it, this is an uncomfortable feeling. He’s feeling like “Okay, here’s another area where we’re not measuring up, or I’m not measuring up, or feeling like this isn’t to the skill level that I’m used to”, and it brings up those feelings of feeling like I’m not performing as well as I want to, and that’s uncomfortable.

So my husband was commenting that “I think there’s some part of this that’s coming out on the court.” And I can say for myself, where if I felt blamed, I was feeling uncomfortable with that; it didn’t feel good. I felt hurt, I felt embarrassed, so I’m blaming him in response. So there’s again that discharging, and this is – as you can see – a very negative cycle. If we’re in the blame game, it’s never-ending; it’s this constant assigning responsibility to someone else – “It’s YOUR fault!” Again, there’s no willingness to take accountability in that.

If you’re looking for examples around what blame looks like, it can look like the YOU-statements: “you always”, “you never”. It can look like sarcasm: “nice job!”, “way to go!”, “Wow, that was brilliant!” That’s obviously unkind or rude perhaps, but in intimate relationships when things get a little difficult and challenging, unfortunately many people will treat their significant other with less regard than they would someone else, like even an acquaintance. And I think for a lot of people there is a willingness to reveal your true feelings, or there is a security that  they’re there for you and they’re your person, so they can tolerate a little bit more.

What I get to see in my field, in my profession when I counsel and coach couples, particularly in the early stages partners are often characterizing each other very negatively. It’s almost as if – I think I’ve referenced this in previous podcasts – they’re seeing me as the judge or the referee, where I get to call a foul or I get to assign blame or responsibility. It’s almost as if they’re pleading their case, and it’s almost as though underneath it all they’re describing how the relationship problems are not their fault. Essentially, they’re blaming their partner: “He never communicates”, “She never acknowledges”, “She doesn’t appreciate me, so therefore I have a right to be upset, or have a right to my tirade”, or “She doesn’t care about me, therefore I have a right to feel closed and distant to her”, or “He doesn’t think of me. I have a right to be angry. He’s not considering all that I have on my plate.” Again, it’s “You’re the problem, you’re the source of pain.”

This is tricky territory, because a lot of these things are actually true. There’s some element of truth when a partner is describing their significant other and the issues they have. But where this gets really tricky is when they’re assigning blame, they are talking about their partner, their significant other, ‘the other’, and who gets to be right there? Who’s reality is right? In the description, in the characterization – we can get caught up in the details and the facts of what actually happened, which is difficult because it’s up for interpretation. Some of it is actual fact, but some of it is perception, because there’s a lot of intention: “Well, you didn’t care!” If we explore that, sure, the act of it and your definition, your interpretation feels like you don’t care, but there could be someone else’s experience that’s completely different: “I was caring, and here’s how I was caring.” So there’s a lot of interpretation here, but the more important point here is when one person’s characterizing or pleading their case, or essentially assigning some level of responsibility to their partner, they are not talking about what’s true for them. They’re not talking about what’s real for them, so in communication their partner has no idea what they’re feeling, what they’re wanting, where their pain is, and it really makes for communication really difficult.

As the listener, if I’m hearing someone characterize me and take issue with me and be complaining and blaming me, my natural tendency and most people’s tendency is to want to defend against that. “That’s not true! Here, let me point out all the reasons why that’s not true.” Or “That’s not my experience. I do care. Let me show you how I do care.” Or “I do think you matter, and I do listen. Let me show you all the reasons why”, so we get into a debate. But if you were to come to me and tell me “I’m scared. You don’t really think about or consider me”, then I can hear you, I can lean into “Oh wow, I didn’t know you felt that way. Let me understand more. Let me understand how come you’re feeling uncared about, or feeling hurt, or feeling like you don’t matter to me. That’s not my experience, I don’t want you to feel that way, and I want to hear more, I get curious, I wanna help.” But if you’re gonna tell me where I’m wrong, how I’m not doing it right, my tendency is to want to argue with you.

So part of where blame just gets really difficult is when it’s almost like we’re masking our pain. I mentioned my first two points, it’s a way of discharging the negative feelings, meaning we’re trying to get it outside of ourselves. It’s almost like we’re vomiting on our partner, and expecting them to understand that this is our pain, but all they’re trying to do is like “I don’t want vomit on me”, and they’re trying to get out, dodge the vomit – sorry, it’s such a bad description, but it’s true.

So they’re trying to deal with that mess, and they don’t really have a sense of where the pain is coming from and what that feels like. Really what I’m describing here is real disconnection and lack of communication, and real defensiveness and separation. When I feel blamed, oh my gosh! I feel hurt, I feel mad at my partner/husband, and I feel angry with him, I feel sad, embarrassed and I don’t want to be close to him. I feel a sense of wanting to distance myself. For some people when they feel blamed, they feel like a failure, they feel inadequate, they feel scared that the relationship’s gonna end, they don’t feel loved – there’s lots of places that we go to that are extremely painful. So if we can’t have a conversation about this pain, then again what we’re into is just this more attack/attack mode where we’re blaming each other and we’re further really at each other in a negative, and we’re kind of enemies in that moment.

This really lowers, as you can see, relationship satisfaction, feeling happy with one another, it really creates a sense that your partner’s against you, a sense of enemies. You’re not really going to feel like your partner’s got your back. You’re not going to feel confident that they’re wanting to help you, wanting you to feel like your needs are getting met. This damages a feeling of intimacy, wanting to open to your partner, wanting to feel close, and it also for a lot of people lowers their sense of self-esteem. They feel bad about themselves, they feel powerless, they feel victim, they feel resentment, they feel bitterness, and it can really corrode at relationship. This can be extremely detrimental, and can be the cause of relationship breakup.

If you haven’t seen it, Brené Brown has a very short video, it’s animated and it’s pretty comical, but she’s describing being her kitchen in the morning and having a big cup of coffee, and she spills it and it breaks, and it’s all over everything, and the first thought she has is “It’s my husband’s fault!” Her husband’s not even at home, but there’s a sequence of events; I think he was late the night before and she didn’t get to sleep as early as she had wanted to, so she was tired and she needed a second cup of coffee, and there’s an assigning of blame. But what this does, as I mentioned a moment ago, where assigning blame and whose fault it is so we’re not taking responsibility or accountability, but it perpetuates this feeling of being a victim. For putting off the uncomfortable pain, by virtue we’re essentially giving people our power. We’re saying, “They’re responsible, so when something’s wrong they’re responsible, but also they’re responsible, period. It means we don’t have power to really create any change. If we’re giving up our power and putting the responsibility on someone else, then we can constantly feel let off the hook when something bad happens, but we’re kind of at the mercy of someone else’s choices, so it’s this feeling of feeling really powerless and victim.

The first step would be to really recognize if there’s any habit of assigning blame. This can be almost like an addiction, this chemical state that you’re in when you’re blaming, and if you’re in the habitual pattern of this, this can be incredibly difficult to break. It’s this state of victimhood and pointing the finger and blaming that really takes you out of any sense of accountability, or self-responsibility, or empowerment. Recognizing a victim stance and even considering where your responsibility is can feel like a really foreign process. This is one of the things that you’ll be getting in the program that I’m offering – real experiences and strategies around how to shift out of a victim role.

“When you blame others you give up your power to change.” – Robert Anthony

Again, when you blame others, you give up your power to change.

The next point, which is very related to the last point, which is letting go of being the victim, this second point is taking healthy responsibility. It weaves really nicely in. If you’ve listened to the last podcast episode with Kathlyn Hendricks, she talks a little bit about some steps into shifting into considering more what healthy responsibility would look like. This is one of the main solutions for blaming – looking for “How can I take healthy responsibility?”

Kathlyn Hendricks and her husband Gay Hendricks have a term, they talk about ‘a hundred percent responsibility’. So you’re taking a hundred percent responsibility for your experience. When we can take a hundred percent responsibility for our experience – not taking responsibility for your partner’s experience – it really allows there to be clarity around “This is MY responsibility, and I’m gonna be empowered to be responsible about that. And then YOU are responsible for YOUR part.”

When someone steps into that hundred percent responsibility, it starts to cut the blame game down, and it dissipates that blame game, because there’s no throwing the ball back and forth. If there’s a blame, if you’re thinking two people playing catch, if one blame is sent and the other person throws the ball back with another blame – you can’t play that when you’re taking responsibility. You’re essentially not passing that ball back, so it kind of requires the person to take responsibility for their part; you’re no longer in that dance with them.

And it’s a little contagious. If you see someone really stepping into accountability, healthy responsibility, it’s like a calling forth of that character, that developed, higher way of relating; it’s aspiring, it’s motivating, and it’s a real good inspiration. You might have some initial resistance to thinking about “Oh my goodness, how can I be in the hundred percent responsibility with my partner?” So again, you’re not taking responsibility for the whole relationship, you’re just looking at your part and willing to be fully responsible for yourself. So while there might be some initial resistance to that – at least I can understand how you would feel that way – it can also be extremely empowering: “I get to do something about this!” So with that responsibility comes the actual benefit of creating change, and having freedom, and having power. There is a real connection there, so it can be extremely liberating at the same time. We think of responsibility as feeling heavy and obligatory and burdensome, but really if we’re gonna be feeling empowered and feeling like this is what I can control, then it usually feels exciting, because I can actually do something, I’m not a victim. I actually have an ability to create change.

One of the suggestions that Katie Hendricks talked about in the last podcast is just this wondering, shifting from blame into healthy responsibility is just getting really curious with the “Hmmm…” I loved how she talked about the inner effect that that ‘hmmmm’, just that kind of wondering; it’s hard to be critical when you’re having that vocal body sensation of just a real wondering. That’s just a tip that was offered last time, and really being in the breath, and being in your body, and really creating that humming, wondering and asking yourself, “What am I doing to contribute to this? What am I responsible for? How can I be a change agent in this? Is there something I can do to create resolution? What can I learn from this?”

The third point I want to offer, which viably could be the second point, because they’re so related here, is to face the discomfort. I kind of already mentioned this, but when we begin to take accountability it can feel extremely vulnerable. With my clients who are describing and pleading their case as to why they’re justified to feel and behave the way that they’re behaving because it’s their partner’s fault – “He doesn’t express appreciation”, “She doesn’t communicate”, “She doesn’t care”, “He doesn’t think about me”, there’s the reaction to that pain. They’re defending their position. But again, as I mentioned, it’s very much bypassing the pain that they’re feeling. If we’re going to really be honest and take accountability, there’s the facing that discomfort and that real truth, where it might feel like grief, it might feel like sadness, it might feel like hurt, discomfort and disconnection, it might feel scary, uncomfortable, unfamiliar. Some of the feelings that people typically have is “I feel scared that I don’t matter. I feel hurt, I’m worried you don’t care about me. I feel bad, I don’t feel good enough. I’m afraid of getting it wrong. I feel so much pain when I think about letting you down.” So there’s some real deep pain here if we really stop and take a look at what we’re experiencing; it requires us to face that discomfort.

Again, a lot of this is easy to talk about, but much more difficult to do in practice, especially when we don’t have support or the space carved out, or the guidance. That’s one of the reasons why I’m offering the program, for you to give yourself some structure, some space to dive deep into these practices to help you really transform some of these old negative patterns that you might be engaged in.

The fourth point here that I want to mention, which is my last, is focusing on real positives. We hear this all the time, easier said than done, and it’s really paying attention and looking at what your partner does bring. It’s easy to focus on the things where they got it wrong or it wasn’t the way we wanted, or it wasn’t the way we preferred, but we can be overlooking and missing all that is there.

I remember I was listening to Arielle Ford – this was years and years ago – and she was talking about her personal story, and I think she referenced giving herself the contrast whenever she felt the impulse to want to blame her significant other, she asked herself what if he wasn’t around, this wouldn’t be happening. So how insignificant… Maybe he didn’t wring out the sponge, or he left the dishes out, or he left crumbs or a teabag out on the counter; that might be an annoyance, and it might not be what he wants, and it might be easy to criticize or blame, but for her, if she contrasted the importance of him being in her life to the crumbs, or the sponge not being wrung out – it paled in comparison.

I just experienced a great loss with a family member, and I was talking about how it really puts priorities into perspective. So when we’re nitpicking and really choosing and looking at all the ways that our partner is not showing up or really missing what they do bring. Because again, your partner is listening to you. You’re creating your life through the way you’re interacting, so your relationship is being defined by your interactions. If you’re speaking negatively, or if you’re characterizing them negatively, or if you’re blaming them or criticizing them, this is the quality of your relationship. It’s impacting your love connection, it’s impacting the way they feel about themselves, and I think at the end of the day most people really are longing for something, they’re kind of pleading a case for something they’re needing: “I want you to care about me, I want you to think about me. I want you to give me positive affirmation, I want you to love me. I feel hurt.” That’s understandable, but when we’re describing it in these negative ways, that’s what’s getting the attention. You hiding that you feel hurt is not getting any attention. It’s almost like we’re masking our real core hurt that’s the most important thing, by this criticism and blame and complaint. But that’s what’s getting attention, that’s what’s qualifying your relationship; the quality of your relationship is becoming that.

If you think about it too, how we respond to positivity, how we respond when we speak favorably to each other… I remember hearing a long time ago about parenting – when our children can hear us talk about them positively to other people, they’re listening in and we’re talking positively, just how that makes such a difference in their life. And I think it’s true for adults, too. When we complain or blame in front of our peers or our friends or our family, what that communicates and what that person feels when that is being communicated. On the converse, when you speak favorably in front of your partner – not to boast or be prideful, or to gloat, but more just real authentic speaking of positive, favorable things around people that your partner can hear, what that does to them, and the impact that that has.

I know that it makes a profound impact, and I could go a lot more into detail around that, but I want to share a little story with you. This is out of Chicken Soup For The Soul (Jack Canfield), and I have a link to this that you can find on my show notes page; it’s Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. This is a story for Valentine’s Day – a little out of context here, but I thought it was a great description of some of the things we’re talking about.

“Larry and Jo Ann were an ordinary couple. They lived in an ordinary house on an ordinary street. Like other ordinary couples, they struggled to make ends meet and to do the right things for their children.

They were ordinary in yet another way – they had their squabbles. Much of their conversation concerned what was wrong in their marriage and who was to blame.

Until one day, when a most extraordinary event took place.

“You know, Jo Ann, I’ve got a magic chest of drawers. Every time I open them, they’re full of socks and underwear,” Larry said. “I want to thank you for filling them all these years.”

Jo Ann stared at her husband over the top of her spectacles. “What do you want, Larry?”

“Nothing. I just want you to know I appreciate those magic drawers.”

This wasn’t the first time Larry had done something odd, so Jo Ann pushed the incident out of her mind until a few days later.

“Jo Ann, thank you for recording so many correct check numbers in the ledger this month. You put down the right number 15 out of 16 times. That’s a record.”

Disbelieving what she had heard, Jo Ann looked up from her mending: “Larry, you’re always complaining about my recording the wrong check numbers. Why stop now?”

“No reason. I just wanted you to know I appreciate the effort you’re making.”

Jo Ann shook her head and went back to her mending. “What’s gotten into him?” she mumbled.

Nevertheless, the next day when Jo Ann wrote a check at the grocery store, she glanced at her check numbers. Why do I suddenly care about those dumb check numbers? she asked herself.

She tried to disregard the incident, but Larry’s strange behavior intensified.

“Jo Ann, that was a great dinner,” he said one evening. “I appreciate all your effort. Why, in the past 15 years I’ll bet you’ve fixed over 14,00 meals for me and the kids.”

Then “Gee, Jo Ann, the house looks spiffy. You’ve really worked hard to get it looking so good.” And even “Thanks, Jo Ann, for just being you. I really enjoy your company.”

Jo Ann was growing worried. Where’s the sarcasm, the criticism? she wondered.

Her fears that something peculiar was happening to her husband were confirmed by 16-year-old Shelly, who complained, “Dad’s gone bonkers, Mom. He just told me I looked nice. With all this makeup and these sloppy clothes, he still said it. That’s not Dad, Mom. What’s wrong with him?”

Whatever was wrong, Larry didn’t get over it. Day in and day out he continued focusing on the positive. Over the weeks, Jo Ann grew more used to her mate’s unusual behavior, and occasionally even gave him a grudging “thank you.” She prided herself in taking it all in stride, until one day something so peculiar happened she became completely discombobulated:

“I want you to take a break,” Larry said. “I am going to do the dishes. So please take your hands off that frying pan and leave the kitchen.”

(Long, long pause.) “Thank you, Larry. Thank you very much!”

Jo Ann’s step was now a little lighter, her self-confidence higher, and once in a while she hummed. She didn’t seem to experience blue moods much anymore. I rather like Larry’s new behavior, she thought.

That would be the end of the story except one day, another most extraordinary event took place. This time it was Jo Ann who spoke.

“Larry,” she said, “I want to thank you for going to work and providing for us all these years. I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I appreciate it.”

Larry has never revealed the reason for his dramatic change of behavior no matter how hard Jo Ann has pushed for an answer, and so it will likely remain one of life’s mysteries. But it’s one I’m thankful to live with.

You see, I am Jo Ann.”

Jo Ann Larsen wrote this in Deseret News. I have the link for that if you’re interested, I thought it was a great description of how often we can focus on the blame, take each other for granted and miss the opportunity to speak positively and favorably.

Again, in recap, what I’m offering here is 1) let go of being the victim. One of the ways to do that is 2) taking healthy responsibility, which can require 3) facing the discomfort, the real underlying need, feeling or fear or worry, and number 4) focusing on the positive.

Thank you so much for joining me today. Again, this has been Why Blaming Is A Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It. If you’re looking for more structure, more support, more guidance in how to shift some of these patterns of blame, criticism and complaining in your relationship, I invite you to check out the link that talks about the course that I have offering right now. It’s going to be closing this coming Monday, the 20th at midnight. It’s a steal, the price and what you’re going to be getting, so if you have any questions you can reach out to me. Again, my e-mail is [email protected]. You can also reach me in other ways, you can find that on my website on my Contact page. Again, my website is DrJessicaHiggins.com

Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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