ERP 072: What Happens When You Hear “I am not in love with you anymore”?

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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Hi, thank you for joining today’s episode. Today’s podcast episode is episode 72, and this is titled What Happens When You Hear “I am not in love with you anymore”?

Before we get started, I wanna run an idea past you. Many listeners over the last couple months have reached out to me wanting more specific and in-depth feedback, and I am so deeply honored that you see my input as valuable as a resource and that you are looking for more guidance. I also wanna let you know that via e-mail I am pretty limited in going into great depth around particular topics or issues, relationship dynamics and circumstances. I am welcoming your couple-paragraph at most question, giving me a little context and then asking me the question, so like a couple paragraphs, and I can create a podcast episode for you. I am also available for coaching and have programs that you can go deeper with this material.

But I have an idea that I wanna run past you. I’m thinking about offering a once-a-month call, and this would be free to you, but it would allow for a deeper conversation. Whoever jumps on the call, I will answer questions and some kind of laser coaching and offering a little more feedback to deepen the conversation. And if it feels like I can direct you to some resources or tell you about an offer that you would benefit from, I will have an opportunity to do that.

This would really give us a chance to create a little more community, a little bit more dialogue, a little bit more of a deeper conversation than these podcast episodes. I would love to provide that for you.

I’m only gonna offer it though if enough of you respond and let me know you’re interested. This is the only opportunity; if I don’t get enough replies telling me that you’re interested… We can do it down the road, but I’m not gonna start it up now. I just have had several of you want more in-depth, so I’m trying to respond to your inquiries, but I need enough of you to let me know this is something you would be interested in.

So if you can contact me via e-mail, and my e-mail is [email protected], and you can find my contact information on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com, and if you can e-mail me, let me know you’re interested in this deeper conversation. I’m willing to take a few suggestions around time. I know that there’s no way we’re all gonna be available at the exact same time, so this will be just trying to get the best option. I am open to getting preferences, for sure. So if you’re interested in this deeper conversation, I would love to know. Shoot me an e-mail.

Some of you have presented questions to me, and I appreciate your patience. I have had a lot on my plate the last couple months, so if you’re been waiting for me to answer your question, know that part of my selecting topics has to do with the line-up that I have and what kind of questions I’m getting and what kind of feedback I’m getting from listeners. It’s not always first-come, first-served. I just really wanna acknowledge your request and really wanna appreciate your patience and let you know that I will get to your question.

Today’s topic, again, is What Happens When You Hear “I am not in love with you anymore”? This comes from a listener who would like to remain anonymous.

He writes:

“My wife and I have been struggling with our 19-year marriage. A year ago we started couples counseling and didn’t have much success. We both did a little individual therapy and tried again with EFT couples counseling (Emotionally-Focused Therapy). The therapist told my wife she really needs to do more individual work to find out what is blocking her. From day one of couples counseling she stated that she no longer has feelings for me and she doesn’t know how or if they will come back. I take that to mean romantic sexual feelings. We have not been intimate for 4 years now. She struggled with things in our marriage and shut down.

My question is, what can I do to help her see me differently and help those feelings come back? Is there anything I can do?”

Listener, thank you for sharing and posing this question. I understand it is deeply personal, and I feel honored and privileged to be able to offer input on this topic. I feel the sensitive nature of it.

I have a few points to offer, but I would like to say, for every listener that might be interested in this topic, “I’m not in love with you anymore”, I think this can happen for many, many reasons. So much so that I created an eBook about this, and if you’d like to have access, you can click on the show notes and you can find the show notes on my website by clicking Podcast off of DrJessicaHiggins.com and then clicking on this episode. Again, this is episode 72. You’ll find the most recent episodes at the top, and I will put a button for you to opt in to get that eBook. You can also access the show notes from your device by just clicking on the graphic of Empowered Relationship, and I think that will give you access to the show notes as well.

This eBook is really targeting seven ways that couples really get stuck, and sometimes their relationship fails and they have problems. And seven solutions around how to address those major concerns. These are things that are very classic and very typical, that can result in the feeling of “I’m not in love with you anymore.” We’ll hear, “I love you”, “I care about you” and “I don’t feel love for you.” There can be a lot of things that are in the way of feeling that love.

For this particular listener and what he’s describing, first of all I wanna say, EFT… Most of the way that I’ve known EFT to work has been even if someone is feeling very little, you work with that. You just uncover and stay with that, let that be okay, and explore.

I am not obviously privy to what happened in those sessions, but I’m really wondering how much your wife got to really uncover and start to reveal the ambivalence or even perhaps shut down, just what that shut down is for her. Or, is she completely disengaged? Because that’s one thing that is important to recognize.

So my first thought on this question is, “Is your wife open to exploring?” Because if your wife wants to work on revisiting her original struggles, then there’s a lot of information to glean from that. Because you’re saying, “She struggled with things in our marriage and shut down.”

Those struggles, those pains, I imagine are still there, and the shutdown has been a strategy for her to deal with that pain. So if there’s any place in her that she’s willing to explore that, that could be an avenue. However, if she has completely left the relationship emotionally, then she could be going through the motions with you, but actually has already made a decision and has left the relationship, and that is difficult to work with.

There is this romantic notion of wanting to fight for your love and really do something, but I think there’s also something really beautiful about having an honest conversation around “Have you left this relationship?” and talking about what she wants to do around that. And that doesn’t mean that you agree with her or that you’re gonna move into action and looking at separation or even divorce – I’m not suggesting that. But what I am suggesting is being honest with what is happening.

If she’s having real feelings of wanting to end the relationship, I think there’s a real place and value to have those honest conversations, because that’s gonna help her connect with her real emotion. And when you can connect with some real emotion and follow that thread, then there’s the opening, then you’re gonna get what her experience is.
But if she has completely left the relationship and you guys are trying to hash out dynamics that have been challenging and she’s not emotionally present for that, it’s gonna be very hard to feel any momentum.

Again, just to reiterate, if she has left the relationship, I would welcome this honest discussion around that. Because if you’re not willing to see that, then it’s like that sense of missing each other, not really connecting with what is. So if she’s saying, “I’ve left this relationship emotionally”, then if you can connect with her on that and accept that, that might actually invite her to engage. It’s a very ironic notion, but if we can just accept what is and be real, it welcomes and it invites people into a space of engagement, because it’s okay; there is an accepting nature, there’s a non-judgmental stance. It’s welcoming of, “Okay, even though this might hurt to talk about or it might be difficult, we wanna work with what’s real.”

And if she’s having ambivalence, meaning she’s having mixed feelings, then is there a part of her – maybe not her whole part of her – that is willing to revisit some of these previous issues.

Again, revisiting would look like, “Do you have a sense of what those issues are, and is there a place to explore that?” This would really take – and my next point is getting support, which you’ve done a little bit on, but I wanna talk about that in a moment… But to explore her concerns in a really safe container.

I don’t know your relationship well enough to know your guys’ position around safety and connection. My guess is that it’s probably feeling very disconnected, so I do think that it would be helpful to get some support to create this safety, to welcome this exploration where she can feel her ability to connect with her emotion and to feel understanding, to feel validated and to deepen in that.

In the theme of exploring, it would also be looking at what’s missing in your relationship; what the issues were before you started having real problems and not being intimate with one another, and how did you try to deal with that. That’s gonna give you some really great information around your relationship dynamic and some of the concerns that were coming up.

And again, I’m limited around what I can say about that, but if you get the eBook, you’ll get some of the real classic, common things that people struggle with and create a disconnect. So was there an unmet need, were either one of you feeling a real lack of connection, being seen, feeling important, feeling that connection, that warmth, that love? This exploration can be most beneficial with some real great guidance and support to facilitate this process.

And another thought, many people might be wondering when there is no intimacy for four years and someone’s saying, “I’m not in love with you anymore”, is there someone else in the picture? Is there someone else that is attracted to her? And if so, what is she getting from that interaction? That in and of itself is really revealing. Is she getting attention? Is she feeling acceptance? Is she getting excitement? Is she getting emotional validation? Is she feeling some level of positivity and love and things that she might not be experiencing in your marriage? That’s incredibly painful to look at.

Again, if we want to engage in this exploration, it’s about honest conversation around what emotionally is going on, that really indicates the connection and the dynamic and how you guys are interacting.

The second point has to do with getting support. I understand that you have worked with at least four therapists, right? So you had a first couples therapist that you didn’t feel was very helpful. You both had an individual person, and then you worked with an EFT person. I’m not entirely sure based on your question how many session you had, but I can tell you if you did a few sessions and it didn’t feel like it was working, first of all you wanna find somebody that you feel comfortable with, you feel like you can have a safe place to reveal; you want that rapport, you wanna feel like it’s a good fit, and you wanna also feel like how the person is guiding the process feels constructive, that it’s supporting both of you opening and then it’s also leading and addressing topics that feel really relevant.

This process is painful, that’s the thing I wanna mention here. This is not gonna get resolved or a lot is not gonna shift within a few sessions, especially if you’re talking 19 years of patterns and dynamics that have resulted in disconnection and withdrawal.

I don’t know the specific dynamics of your interactions, but for a lot of people, people tend to avoid. Avoiding is a strategy to lessen and get relief from emotional pain, or to try to deal with some type of emotional threat. Again, this is emotional pain. That avoiding is a strategy to deal with the pain. We just would rather get away from it because it’s so overwhelming or it’s so painful.

However, when we avoid, it doesn’t create connection. It creates disconnection, and it doesn’t help shift the dynamics. When these patterns are existing for 19 years, it’s typically gonna take some real effort to even identify those patterns, then to explore them, to then offer an invitation to change those patterns, and it requires both people to be invested, to be willing to get uncomfortable to do that work.

If your wife’s pretty ambivalent or she has left the relationship, that’s difficult to engage with. This is true, some people go to therapy… They’re already out of the relationship and they’re wanting to somehow say that they did the work, or say that they showed up, have a clear conscience that they went to couples therapy to try to work on things. But the real work comes from the willingness and the belief in the possibility that this process could work.

Because if there is avoidance happening, most of the times people are avoiding that pain or avoiding conflict, and if the therapist coach or counselor is asking people to confront some of these difficult feelings, that’s quite the opposite of their previous strategy. So it really takes some therapeutic alliance here to do this work. It’s almost like walking a high rope and knowing that somebody is with you and got you, and trusting that there’s a rope underneath you and that you can do this. That’s probably not the best analogy, but it’s a good analogy because it feels that scary at times.

Let’s just say you have a trampoline underneath you, you have all your support, safety mechanisms and you have somebody coaching you and guiding you – it essentially can work, but you still need to do the work. The therapist can’t walk the tightrope for you. And it can feel pretty painful and uncomfortable to look at some of those difficult feelings, especially when these patterns have been in existence for 19 years.

And when there’s blame and shame – again, this is where the eBook can really come in handy, because it’s addressing all these difficult patterns that couples typically get into, so I’m not gonna go over that here. So with the getting support, I just wanna invite you to consider that it’s gonna be at least a six-month process where both of you are engaged and you’re consistent and willing to look at and confront some more of these difficult feelings.

Again, this has gotta be both willing to try. Going back to point one, is your wife willing to explore, is she open to exploring, genuinely? And then getting the support to help facilitate that process and being really committed to the journey, to really invest in the process. You wanna find somebody that you feel is a good fit, but you also wanna be willing to tolerate some of the discomfort, and maybe having your person walk you through what it looks like, to be able to share with you what the process is, so that you can kind of get your mind around how to stay the course.

The last two points I want to bring up have to do with what you can do individually, because I get that you can’t make your wife see you differently. You can’t control that, and probably the more you try to control that, the more she’s gonna be withdrawing. That’s the pursuing and the distancing. So the more you try to get her to see you, she might be pushing you away.

Essentially, this might have to do with her really wanting to feel your acceptance of her, and really valuing her experience and welcoming that, not trying to control it, not trying to make it different, and really coming into contact with what’s genuine for her. Now, I’m totally making that up; you gave me no indication of that in your question. I’m just saying that that’s a pattern that’s typical. So if you’re feeling this nudge, as you should – if you do feel this way, I do not blame you… Especially for the masculine, you wanna fight for your love, you wanna fight for your marriage, I get that. And interpersonally, that can be tricky. The harder we try, the further we can push someone away.

So if you’re really wanting to fight for her, I would encourage your fight to be living and being an expression of your love for her; that you have belief and you can exude these qualities that you’re taking a stand for. It’s almost like you’re shining your light and hoping that she can see you differently. But you can’t force her to see you differently, right? That’s something that you can only do your part, and if she engages, then you have more to work with.

So there are these two points I wanna offer you here. One is to be present, and it sounds so easy in concept, but particularly what you’re describing in this circumstance, I can understand and empathize how difficult it would be to be present – what’s gonna happen, what happened, what did I do wrong, where did we go wrong, how can I fix it… And it’s a lot of in the past or in the future. But what the challenge of that is is where you’re not experiencing what is happening in the moment, that you’re getting sucked into maybe old patterns that have gotten you stuck in the first place. For some people it’s being preoccupied or it’s feeling anxious, it’s trying to control or it’s feeling threatened and protesting and attacking.

There’s all these things that we do that get us stuck in disconnection, but if you can shift your focus to, “Okay, I have no idea… Everything’s up in question, but can I put my two feet on the ground right here, right now? Can I recognize that I’m breathing, I’m living?” Recognizing your body and just what you’re experiencing. Maybe even using your five senses to anchor you, it’s a good way to become more fully present. “What do I feel on my skin?”, whether or not you feel any temperature of heat or chill, or whether or not you feel a breeze… That sensation on your skin, that feeling is one way to bring yourself into the here and now… As well as smelling, as well as seeing what things you see in your current moment. If you’re driving or if you’re walking or if you’re commuting and you’re seeing the sky or you’re seeing buildings, or trees, or flowers – noticing and observing and taking in the visual of what you’re seeing. Tasting. All of your senses can bring you into this moment, and this is where your power is. This is where you can make contact with other human beings. This is where you can see your wife and hopefully – this is difficult to do because you’re gonna get your own reactivity most of the time. If she shut down, you might feel scared or you might feel angry or hurt, resentful, and that’s gonna take you out of the present moment. But as much as you can, like a mantra or like an over and over again reminder, to focus on the here and now, breathing and being present, not trying to change anything and accepting what is… There’s a sense of intimacy with this, and in the field of mindfulness this is a whole topic.

I think I’ve mentioned this in previous podcasts, that hospitals a lot of the time have mindfulness groups for people who have chronic illnesses. They can’t change their diagnosis, they can only change how they relate to the experience of having this illness. So if they fight it and want it to be different, that’s gonna only create more suffering and more pain. But if they can come into the present using their breath, using the current moment… And it’s an irony, right? The more we can come into contact with our present experience, you would think that that would amplify the pain, but what people find over and over again is that they feel more empowered, that they’re somehow flowing, that there’s somehow this ability to ride the wave rather than being tossed and turned, and just kicked around by waves; it’s riding the wave.

And your emotional tone will be entirely different. Your nonverbal stance, you facial expression, your gesture, your tone of voice… We can feel people’s emotion. Have you ever walked into a room and just looked at somebody and you had a sense of what they’re feeling; we can read it on them or we can feel it. Even if somebody just had an argument and left the room and you walk into the room, you can usually feel that.

So being willing to be in this present moment, being honest, looking at her, perhaps being willing to see her anew; letting your old patterns go. You’re wanting you to see her differently, but what would it be like for you to enter into this place of seeing new? It’s almost like you’re leading her. Dancing, you wanna lead her and show what you’re wanting, so you can step into this.

I get that it’s scary, because you don’t know if she’s gonna step in with you, but again, this is something that you can do and you can be empowered by. Making contact with her in the most sincere and genuine way, with love and respect. Again, it feels hard, it is painful. The current circumstances are not what you would prefer, they’re not what you want. And if you’re accepting what is and loving her, if you really feel this love for her… Just giving her space and permission to be her, and relating to her from this place of the unknown, but being really grounded in the moment and breathing and just making contact – there’s some intimacy with that.

I don’t know how much contact you’re having with her, if you guys look at each other’s eyes, or if you guys hold hands or if you touch each other, but in my couples program I have a module that’s all about cultivating intimacy, and the neurochemicals of dopamine and oxytocin in ways that we can jump start these things. Some of these things are very biological. So invite her into this space… But it’s gotta come from an embodied stance of your claiming this whether or not she joins you or not. That’s the only way that I know that you can really exude and express what you’re wanting, by living and being in it.

The last point here is about finding your joy and passion. I know this seems like a very counter-intuitive thing for me to say, however when we’re in troubled marriages or troubled relationship, we can be in this downward spiral and really be in a place of surviving. We can be depressed, we can be anxious… This has real physiological effects on our health, our emotional state and our overall well-being, so it is real. These emotional threats have a significant impact on us that hurts physically.

So that is real. The uncertainty, the not knowing and the disconnect – all of that is absolutely real. And we can get stuck in these patterns that dull us, that keep us feeling restricted, feeling held hostage. Not that your wife is holding you hostage or you’re holding yourself hostage, but just the circumstance feels so not life-giving that we can lose touch with joy and passion, what brings excitement, what brings pleasure. Allowing yourself to have your cup full, or at least to be participating in things that are enjoyable, and feeling your own joy.

I suggest this, and these are things that you can invite her into. “I would love to take a walk. Would you like to join me?” or “I would like to turn on the music and stretch… Are you interested?” Or “There’s this concert… I’ve been really wanting to see this band. Would you be interested in going with me? No string attached, just… Can we let this be a place where we can experience joy together?” And maybe asking her, “Is there anything that you would like to do? I would love to do something fun together.” To share in something that feels perhaps new, outside of the box, changing the routine, following play, having some creativity, following your joy. Because that’s part of your vitality. If you have dulled that, or censored that, or suppressed any of that… In some ways you’re saying, “I’m wanting her to see me differently”, but if you’re withholding, or you’re protecting yourself, then she’s not even getting a chance to see your vibrance, your vitality. She’s not seeing that in you.

So one way for you to be more on the expression of what’s genuine for you – I’m not talking about faking this, I’m talking about following one thread. Some people will say, “I don’t even know what brings me excitement.” You’re so lost and disconnected from what brings you joy… Maybe just start with something you’re interested in, or curious about; something you pay attention to on the news. Or if you were to go into a bookstore, where would you gravitate towards? Would it be cooking, or gardening, or travel, or finance? Letting yourself be interested and allowing that to have space, to feel the excitement, to learn something new. Maybe it’s linguistics, or learning a new language. It could be history. There’s lots of things that could bring life into you.

This would be something that you could do for yourself and also invite your wife into. This is also one way to create excitement, to create that high. It’s a way of learning or experiencing something new, it creates a charge, and it’s a neurochemical dopamine, but it really gives you this boost.

We can probably look back in our life and think, “What are the times where we’ve been playful, or we were creative and we made a game out of something?” Just having fun – that’s so enjoyable. Those can be really cherished, precious memories. So if you can nurture that part of yourself, or foster that part of yourself, give that part space…

Again, this seems like a counter-intuitive thing, but it’s a very attractive thing to see somebody experiencing pleasure, or joy, or passion. No manipulation here, to try to get her to be attracted to you, but if there’s genuine pleasure or satisfaction or enjoyment, if you can share that with her, there could be something valuable there.

So in recap, the points that I’m offering in response to this listener’s question are:

– is your wife/partner open to exploring?

– can you get support and really invest in the process of that support?

– can you really be present and grounded and available in the moment?

– how can you find your joy and your passion in a genuine way, in an authentic way?

If you’re needing any support with this, please feel free to reach out to me. I’m available for coaching, and I would love to be able to support and guide you if you feel like I’m maybe of service.

For those of you that are listening that feel like you resonate with this question, but perhaps my feedback on this episode wasn’t completely dialed into what you’re looking for, I encourage you to check out the eBook that gives seven classic difficulties that couples run into that would result in “I don’t feel like I’m in love with you anymore”, and what you can do about it.

If you have a question or a topic or a wondering that you would like me to create a podcast episode on, please reach out to me. You can e-mail me at [email protected]. You can click on Contact on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com and find the ways to reach me there.

What I would ask you to do is just write a few sentences, maybe a paragraph or two describing your situation and your question, and that will allow me to create a podcast episode addressing your relationship question or concern.

Again, if you’re interested in deepening in dialogue with me, deepening the conversation around some of these topics, getting your questions answered live, hopping on a call with me, with other like-minded people, please let me know. I will not create this unless enough of you are interested in it, so let me know that you would like this opportunity, you’d like this experience to go deeper, and we will find a time once a month to have this deeper conversation.
Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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