ERP 084: Relationship Dynamics Not Working, “Is It Me Or Is It You?”
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is “Relationship Dynamics Not Working. Is It Me Or Is It You?” This is episode 84. This is a pre-recorded call with a listener who wanted to be on the show, and receive live laser coaching with me.
Before we get started, I just wanna remind you of some options that you have in engaging with this work a little more deeply. Again, the whole purpose of this is for people who are interested in investing in the quality of their relationship in a more proactive way. Whether or not you have a question or a topic that you’re curious about and you would like to hear a podcast episode on, you can submit your question to me. Or if you’d like to be on the show and get some coaching with me — and again, by being part of this larger community, you can find me on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com. If you wanna reach out to me, you can click on Contact and find all the ways to reach me there.
Whether or not you want to be on the show, and a little bit of tips and how to do that, structure around that, or if you wanna submit a question, a little bit about how to do that as well, as well as how to set up a consultation with me or learn about the Empowered Relationship Couples program.
Let’s get started with today’s episode. Again, this is episode 84, “Relationship Dynamics Not Working. Is It Me Or Is It You?”
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Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so how can I be of service? What would like to focus on today?
Listener: I guess I feel like I’m falling into a pattern, meeting men that are not emotionally available, and sometimes when I’m in the initial stages of dating someone, I don’t know if I am ignoring that; I’m not sure what’s happening in the beginning or what my hang-ups are, that I wish to continue to date these people. Right now I’ve broken up with someone very recently that kind of fit that mold, and now we’re at a place where we might have a conversation this week.
He’s saying, “I really care about you. It’s been really hard without you and sometimes I feel one-sided in my relationship, like there’s a lot of disconnect in terms of communication and [unintelligible 00:03:38.00]”
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Can you describe that pattern a little bit more specifically?
Listener: Okay. If I think back to my first date with the guy that I have been dating, I remember thinking that he was kind of goofy. I didn’t feel like I could have a serious conversation with him. I also felt serious… If I stood back from this situation, I was like “Okay, I feel like I’m the serious one and he is the goofy one” and I just didn’t know what to necessarily disclose to him. He also seemed… I didn’t feel relaxed. I also knew that we were supposed to be — it was kind of a funny setup, because he had invited his boss and his boss’s wife…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: On the first date?
Listener: Yes.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Wow…
Listener: And it was just funny because I said yes to that… [laughter] The reason why that happened was because they were going to the same restaurant, so he figured “Why not?”
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Wow, what a first date.
Listener: Yeah… So I felt like it wasn’t the normal first date where you can ask questions that might actually show me whether this person is the right person or not to be hanging out with.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so do you feel like the pattern that you experienced with the guy that you’re somewhat still in relationship with – I know you’re not technically together-together, but you’re still exploring the possibility of what you guys have…
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So the pattern you felt with him – is there a similar theme with what you have felt in previous relationships in any way?
Listener: Yes, because I feel like I can’t fully disclose things about myself where I’m being heard, because the actions that happen after I disclose something very personal does not follow from my partners… But then I feel bad saying that, because — okay, maybe I need to say that it’s not consistent in terms of actions that I’m seeing with these partners. It’s like, maybe they’ll do something nice, but it’s not consistent and therefore it’s hard for me to get comfortable.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so you’re looking for something or a feeling perhaps that when you disclose something more personal or more deep, in the way that they hold that with you.
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Can you put more language around what you’re wanting to feel?
Listener: I think that it’s trust… I wanna feel the way I feel with my best friends. There’s nothing that they are not allowed to know about me, and I never feel weird about saying anything, even if it has to do with them. I don’t think that I’ve ever really felt that, and I’ve dated a lot of people, and I feel this pressure that doesn’t feel natural to me when I’m in a relationship, that I don’t feel at all in my platonic relationships.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: What’s the pressure?
Listener: I don’t feel like myself, I don’t feel powerful. It’s so hard to describe because the last two guys I dated, they’re both these serious roadblocks that happened or are continuing to happen… Because the first guy lost his father three months into us dating, and that set up a really intense rollercoaster after that, that I just couldn’t handle. Obviously, he could no longer be there for me emotionally; and that’s fine, I’ve forgiven that whole situation, but the guy that I’m dating now, he has issues with alcohol – in terms of abusing it – and I don’t know… I can’t tell if it’s that or if it’s me, or if it’s both of us together, but [unintelligible 00:09:54.02] accumulated in terms of those actions are like, it’s really hard to trust this person because one, he has been drinking. A couple things have happened; I’ve been at a location where we were supposed to have a date and waited like an hour, or that he showed up for dates drunk and I feel like my time with him is diminished, because it’s not deep. Those types of things happen…
Or his friends calling me to come pick him up. It’s these things that make me feel like I’m not sure if — I don’t think that we’re moving forward, I don’t know how to get close to this person, and I’m hesitant to do that. But then it’s just hard, because it’s like this person’s telling me how much they care about me, but that’s really hard for me to understand, because they’ve done all these things. But I also don’t wanna feel like I’m not a part of that.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: A part of…?
Listener: A part of the relationship and how we’ve gotten to this point.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Oh, you mean to take some ownership in the dynamic?
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Mm-hm, okay. So it sounds like you’re saying that the overarching theme that you’re struggling with is this sensation in yourself of not feeling really relaxed, that you can be fully yourself and feel this trusting rapport with the person you’re with, and that you trust that they can hold your innermost world.
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay. And then the pressure – when I asked you about the pressure, you started talking about some of the pain you’ve experienced, so I’m imagining they’re somehow related, that you’ve felt some level of injury. You had extended in some way to show up for a date and he doesn’t show up at all, or in an hour, you’re waiting on him – so you’re reaching to him and he’s now showing up. Or that you have to now be responsible, or that he’s not cognitively, emotionally really available because he’s under the influence.
Listener: Yeah, and it’s just hard to feel secure in that type of relationship dynamic. I feel more exhausted by all this stuff that has happened, and I get nervous about what this potential conversation’s gonna be like when I see him, because what if it’s all about him? I don’t know…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah, right? Because if his heart is hurting and he is really missing you and wants to further the connection and the bond he feels with you, if you’re being empathetic you could understand and you could probably connect with some of what you guys did share that was really positive. But it runs the risk of overlooking the things you’re describing to me right now, and it sounds like you’re saying, “I don’t know how to be really honest about this.”
Listener: Or like if we were to even enter back in, I don’t know if I can fully commit. I think that that would complicate things more. I don’t think I’m ready to forgive, and I don’t think I… You know, I do a lot of self-care; I have a big group of very supportive friends. I have a lot of that support, but sometimes I feel like at some point in your life it’s like “How much do you have to give to yourself?” I feel like I’m deserving of someone giving that to me, too.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes, it doesn’t replace the experience of being loved by another, and sharing that special relationship.
Listener: Mm-hm.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So can I ask you if this feeling of pressure, not being able to fully be yourself and relax and feel trust – is that familiar to you in your life, in other ways? Historically, in your early experiences in some way?
Listener: Well, I mean… When I was younger I was dealing with a learning disability, so my friends would see me get taken out of class and stuff like that, to go work with an aid. I really didn’t like that, so I actually ended up taking classes that were beyond my level, because I didn’t want people to think I was any different. That ended up working in my favor in the end, because that — I don’t know if you wanna call it shame, or whatever, but it lead me to accomplish some great things. I was getting A’s and honors in AP classes, and I ended up going to a great college.
That feeling, potentially feeling like I wasn’t smart enough, that to me feels like it’s gone, but I don’t know if that’s been moved to another place.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: I ask because I wanna be curious; this is just part of the inquiry or the exploration. It sounds like there’s a tremendous amount of resiliency and strength in you for you to be able to accomplish what you accomplished, and not to be defined by something that could have been a label, or felt isolated or different. So that’s incredible… I just applaud your ability to do that, it’s remarkable.
Listener: Thank you.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And if we look at, is there another aspect of that that could have some flavor here, if we’re just being curious… That if you had to hold that internally, with the people that relationally felt important to you at that time – if you’re talking about pressure, I imagine being a young one, in grade school, or whatever level we’re talking here, and feeling like “I have to hold this all myself.” There’s a lot of internal holding there.
Listener: Yeah, I mean… It definitely felt like a lot of pressure. I still do it now, but I find it to be like a more positive than a negative. I run my own business, I’ve been doing that for two years, and it’s now gaining incredible momentum. I’ve used that pressure positively in my life, but I just can’t seem to get comfortable in this other part, because I don’t really want to prove anything; I don’t wanna do that in my relationships… But I do it anyways, you know?
I was with this guy for ten months and I clearly was feeling things that didn’t feel comfortable in the beginning, but I still wanted to prove it could work, and I don’t understand what that is, because why does that matter? I mean, if this person is not the right person for me, that’s okay, but for some reason it’s not okay for me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in my late twenties and every day it’s like one of my friends is getting engaged… I don’t know.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: There could be a lot to this. It has to do possibly with expectations, that what we’re wanting in our life in general, what we’re expecting in relationship, what we’re expecting from a guy, how to show up… I think that’s really real, and I wanna talk about that, but I wanna stay with you emotionally for one moment here.
So if you’re describing some feeling as though you were feeling pressure, you can’t fully be real about what’s going on within you, because you don’t wanna feel different or you don’t wanna feel injured in any way… So if you’re saying, “Early, with my peers, I wanted to feel like I belonged and that I wasn’t different”, right? So I’m imagining there was probably this part of you that felt like “I’ve gotta look the part, I’ve gotta play the part, so I can’t really be honest about some of what I’m struggling with here, or feeling embarrassed about, because that feels scary.”
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And then if we fast-forward and you’re saying, “I’m feeling this pressure”… When you describe what’s happening currently in your adult life, it feels as though — how do I articulate this…? It feels as though you’re wanting something, but it’s almost like you’re waiting for it to happen; I don’t feel like it’s fully explicit… I guess the word ‘hiding’ is coming up for me. I don’t experience that it’s okay for you to want what you want, and maybe even say no to somebody. That there’s this kind of mixed, inner conflict, like “I really see a lot of ways that we connect. Maybe this will turn out the way that I want it to turn out, but it’s all happening behind the scenes.” Is that at all resonating with you? I don’t think I articulated that well, but…
Listener: I mean, I don’t know if it’s happening because it’s this person… I don’t know how I would go from where I am right now to where I would wanna be, where I could fully trust this person. I gave him a lot of chances, and then one more thing happened and I just used that to run.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so I guess I was probing previously… I haven’t felt from you that you feel confident that you could be cultivating the safety that you desire. It kind of feels like you’re having to work at all internally.
Listener: Yeah, and I have no sense of the responsibility this person has taken in this relationship, because his actions, while some are very admirable, it’s just not consistent.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: You’re describing a love that you have such a close network of girlfriends or platonic friends, that you feel this level of safety and trust with.
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And I get that that’s not romantic. There’s this, “I don’t know how to translate this to a romantic relationship”, but more or less you’re looking for that type of quality that would give you more confidence in moving forward with a deeper level of commitment, I imagine.
Listener: Yeah, except for the fact that I’m kind of caught in desiring a man that has very masculine qualities, and I don’t know how I could get really romantic and intimate with someone who shares their feelings as outwardly as I do. Because I just don’t know how… People say, “Oh, you’ll get bored”, or I think I will get bored, but…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so I love that you named that, because that’s super real, and this is the thing that I was gonna speak to earlier. I think that there are gender differences, for sure, and that women typically bond through verbal and emotional intimacy, validating each other’s feelings and deepening in that process. And stereotypically for men, that’s not their primary way of bonding; it’s usually through some physical activity, sports, and that’s not the focus, right?
So I think when men enter into an emotional/romantic relationship, they’re also learning and have their own set of challenges that they’re bringing to the table, but I don’t think they’re primed like women are to develop this emotional safety. What I’m trying to get at here is that if you’re really wanting this level of emotional intimacy in relationship to feel safe, there’s some unique things about you that if your particular experience – given some of the things that you’ve just shared and I’m sure there’s more – you might have to be explicit, become more aware of what helps you feel safe, to be able to be explicit and help share that with your partner; not in blaming/shaming way, but more of like “Here’s what I know about myself. Here’s where I tend to go, here’s where I feel sometimes stuck. If you’re open to helping create safety, if that’s something we both want, then would you be willing to consider this?” That takes a level of communication to even share that.
Underneath what I’m saying is, to be able to help guide the person you’re with to know your inner workings, to help you drop into that more authentic and feel more safe. The guy is not gonna be a female, so to expect him to just know how to do that out of the gate, I don’t know… Some men grow up in a household with a lot of women, or they’ve had a lot of girlfriends and they have some more skill in this area, but if you find that you’re attracted to these more guy-guys, I don’t know that this is gonna be their number one skill set. That’s not good/bad, right or wrong, it just isn’t probably where they’ve focused a large amount of their attention.
Listener: I just get nervous though when I just don’t get a sense that he really surrounds himself with anyone that is into personal growth as much as I am, and I just don’t know…
You’re a therapist, I’ve heard you talk about your husband a couple times on the podcast, and it just seems like… I don’t know if he’s a guy-guy, but it’s like, how did that all…?
Dr. Jessica Higgins: [laughs] Yeah, right. It’s true. It’s super, super true. So the other thing that I wanna say that I think is addressing what you’re bringing up now is that when we’re dating there’s a big difference between having romance, having a fling and having a ton of fun and being wrapped up in all the beauty of getting to know somebody, being excited about someone, having sexual chemistry with someone and sharing experiences together. All of that, that’s the stuff that we usually watch movies and read books about; that’s the juicy, yummy, fun-fun-fun stuff.
However, if we’re not cognizant – and I think this is the beauty of having a few more years under your belt, is getting to know you, getting to know what you want in relationship, so that as you’re playing together, there could be a part of your mind or consciousness that’s aware of what is important to you in developing lasting relationship.
Now, he doesn’t have to be super into personal growth to show up and be solid, at all. He can be a guys-guy and you could develop a safe, secure connection with him.
Listener: Okay…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So part of it is looking at “Do we want the same things?” I don’t think that this guy is lying to you; I think he genuinely feels emotionally connected to you, probably really values you, maybe thinks the world of you in many ways; it sounds like you have a lot that you bring to the table. And is he in a place in his like where he wants to get serious, or that he really wants lasting relationship? He may wanna play. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just… Is there clarity around what you’re wanting for both of you and what that looks like, right?
Listener: Yeah. Well, I mean, I want to believe all those things, like that he’s not here to hurt me, but I can’t seem to get around that. Because he has… It’s been really tough with him.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, so he can tell you, “I don’t wanna hurt you”, but if he’s steadily… If you guys are continuing your dynamic and he essentially wants to play – I’m just putting a quick judgment on this… But if his friends are calling you, like “Hey, he’s drunk… Pick him up”, or he is an hour late, or he shows up drunk – to me those actions, if I’m just gonna judge that, it sounds like he’s putting a lot of attention on playing.
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So if he’s saying “I don’t wanna hurt you”, I don’t think he intends to hurt you, but if his priority is to play right now, and your priority is “Look, when we get together, I’m interested in deepening and developing a lasting relationship.” Those are different goals, and he’s bound to let you down. If he tells you “I want that”, and he genuinely doesn’t, he’s gonna be steadily letting you down.
Listener: Right. Well, that’s what I mean. I don’t know if this person is as self-aware as I am.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Sure, so he can’t tell you what he’s interested in right now? Or he’s telling you “I want a serious relationship”, but his actions are saying something different?
Listener: Right.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So he is saying that.
Listener: Right.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay. Well, then that’s for you to say… You guys could have a conversation around, “Okay, well can you help me understand how showing up late or coming drunk – how that fits with developing a real, genuine, authentic relationship for you?” Without blaming him, but just getting really curious, and you might find out more information, but kind of what you’re telling me though right now is I’m kind of beyond my point, and I think it’s super fair for you to say, “Look, this isn’t… Even if you want serious relationship, if your actions… This isn’t the type of serious relationship that I’m interested in cultivating.” You have every right to say, “These are the values. I value time together, and I value awareness and being present with one another. It doesn’t have to be super process-y, but just that we show up. That is important to me, and it doesn’t seem like that is important to you.”
I know that you could probably get in to this, “Let me show you” and “Give me another chance” and all of that stuff, but you have every right to say, “I don’t trust that it’s gonna be any different.” You get to set the bar and hold the space for the type of relationship that you really want. Does that make sense?
Listener: Yeah, it does. It’s just hard for me to… I mean, clearly I’ve done it, because I haven’t gone a long period of time being with these people, but enough time in multiple relationships where it kind of starts to build, so I’m definitely looking at that stuff. I think of myself as deserving of love and intimacy and showing up and good communication and all that, and when he doesn’t show up in those ways, I immediately think about how that makes me look.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Like it’s embarrassing, or…?
Listener: Yeah.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: …how it reflects on you.
Listener: Yeah, because it doesn’t make me feel like the powerful person that I am. Because with a powerful person that wouldn’t happen. But then, that’s like real perfectionists…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Okay, so there’s two things I wanna ask you then. A little bit earlier in our conversation I was wondering, have you taken the deeper dive in yourself to get clear and explicit about what you’re wanting in relationship and what means the most to you? Your deeper values and perhaps some of your expectations, and getting really clear on that? You can move from that, right? Be really intentional about whether that’s a yes or that’s a no, that’s not it, not it, not it; that’s a yes, or “it looks promising!”, like that you can see the fit.
It’s forefront in your mind, and not that you have something that you’re being uber picky about, but that on an essence or a values, fundamental core, that you can say resonates. That’s my first question – do you feel like you’ve gotten clarity around that and that you lead with that?
Listener: I feel like I have clarity, but I don’t know if I necessarily lead with that, because there was a lot about this person that I wanted to change from the beginning, and I actually feel really sad about that, because I feel like that just set it all up negatively from the beginning.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So is there a sense of trusting yourself?
Listener: Well, right now not completely, because I’m just feeling like some of the men in my life I’ve had some very scary moments with. So it’s hard to trust myself romantically with a man; I’ve never felt comfortable… But I don’t know, maybe I’m a perfectionist and it’s a problem…
Dr. Jessica Higgins: Look, I can see how this could get you into a spiral. If you’re doubting yourself and you’re questioning yourself… When I try that on, it’s like I don’t feel that I can stand behind a standard. I start to doubt my standard. Even on the first date, you’re like “Hm…”, but then you’re like “Don’t listen to your standard, or don’t listen to your intuition or your gut, or what you’re really wanting.” But then, if you’re entertaining the idea of honoring your standard, then you’re questioning, “Am I being too perfectionistic? Will someone ever be able to meet those standards?” and then I end up going ping-pong back and forth, and it’s a little crazy, and I don’t know where I stand.
Listener: Right. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that’s definitely how I feel. But it’s funny, because I see love every day and I recognize it, even if it’s not with myself, but I see it with other couples, in the actions that they do, like just body language. I’m recognizing that and internally saying that I want that, but then not getting it.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: And what’s in that for you?
Listener: I don’t know, I mean… If I got it, what would happen? Would I just let it all go? I don’t know what that would look like, or would I feel comfortable just falling like that. Because with friends I’ve just never had to worry. Or like when friends haven’t been that great, they’re not in my life anymore, it’s really no big deal.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So when you imagine having this type of love that feels really genuine, and you entertain that for one moment, it sounds like some fear comes up for you. It sounds like you’re saying, “Would I do something to let it go or screw it up? Or would I let myself really open? That feels so scary, it feels like falling, and I don’t know how to feel safe in that.”
Listener: Yeah, exactly. That’s how it feels.
Dr. Jessica Higgins: So when I get in touch with that, that feels emotional to me. In some ways, I don’t… When I begin to say yes to love and open up to that genuine expression between two people that’s really open and real, I start to not trust myself and feel like I don’t wanna hurt it, and I also don’t wanna get hurt.
Listener: Yeah.
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I’m pausing this conversation that I had with this listener so that I can give you some very clear points and tips. The other thing is someone’s process isn’t always gonna fit super nicely into a 45-minute, 30-minute window, right? So even if I’m coaching someone, they might not be ready yet; they might still be in process, but I’m wanting to, for your benefit as listeners listening to this show, I’m wanting to give some really direct feedback and tips related to this topic of “Is it me or is it you?”
Number one is really knowing, doing that deeper dive of what’s really very important and valuable. What are your deal breakers? What are the things you most yearned for and longed for? In this conversation with this young woman, she talked about wanting a relationship that feels present, feels deep, feels sincere and really mutually loving and respecting and understanding; a deeper quality of intimacy.
So if we think about tip number one, it’s knowing on a deeper level – not just the surface fantasy or an attachment to an idea, but a real inner knowing of what’s really important to your being, to your soul, and your real dream. That’s gonna give you some guidance around knowing what to invest in, where to put your time and energy and where not to. If I want to be a psychologist, but I’m spending all my time partying, I’m living out of alignment; I’m putting energy and time and investment into something that isn’t really aligned with what I’m wanting on a deeper level.
Number two is honoring and trusting those values. If we’ve done that deeper dive around what’s most important to use, what’s really in alignment with our values, our highest aspirations of what’s most meaningful to us in life and in love, then we wanna honor that; we wanna respect that as if it’s a treasure. So when we get information or feedback that’s not congruent with that or not in alignment with that, then we wanna pay attention.
Similarly, we also want to lead with, be active – that’s the whole goal of this podcast in general, to be proactive about improving the quality of our relationship. So if I have a dream of having a growthful, healthy, authentic, passionate relationship, I wanna be intentional about that. I wanna own it; I wanna lead with it.
Anytime that I’ve had a goal in my life, if I didn’t own it and I didn’t lead with it, then it was less likely to happen. I maybe had some ambivalence, or I was maybe hiding it, or I wasn’t really actively pursuing it… It’s got less likelihood of developing, because we’re not putting it as a priority. With this young woman, if she’s saying “I want deep, fulfilling, healthy relationship that’s serious, but I don’t say that I want that, and then I’m dating a guy that doesn’t show that he wants that, his actions are showing something entirely different”, on face value they want different things, they’re at different places in their life.
My encouragement to this young woman is to honor what’s important to her. There’s gonna be a lot of people that aren’t a good match, that don’t want the same thing, that aren’t available or even capable of that same goal that she’s got.
This leads me to my number three point, which is to identify when it isn’t working, when it’s not working for you, and only you get to define that. I think there’s a lot of people that struggle with this concept, because anytime we set a standard or any time we set a bar or a priority for something, and we own it and we take a stand, then by virtue of that, that means that we’re saying no to other things. That can feel rejecting, that can feel a loss of possibility, especially when we feel connected and chemistry with someone. But if they’re not fitting what’s most important, there’s some loss there. That’s not an easy thing to do, I wanna acknowledge that, and there’s some gray area here that I’m gonna talk about in a moment.
If it’s truly not a good fit, if you’re wanting different things, your goals are different, or sometimes people’s capacity – their availability emotionally, their maturity level or just their availability and what they have on their plate at the time, where they’re at in the phase of their life… These are all things that make it a mismatch. So honoring when there’s that no, because I can tell you, if you fight with the reality of that, it’s gonna be this lukewarm, like part of it fits, but part of it doesn’t, and it’s gonna be unfulfilling, and then you get into this place of trying to change each other, because you want different things, and it’s this very dissatisfying… It sometimes gets into very ugly places of conflict and blaming and shaming and hurting and rejecting and all of these things; we do this back and forth for a length of time, and end up with the same result.
So if you get a no, it’s a no. If you get a yes, then you probably won’t be questioning so much. You will feel like it’s a match, and then other things will be coming up. The gray area, when you get a “maybe”, this is when it’s uncertain, and this is the place that it sounds like can be a loop – “Is it me or is it you?”
If I’m gonna zone in on the interaction between you and your partner in this gray are where you don’t know if you’re a good fit, and you’re dating (or maybe you’ve been dating for a while) and you’re coming to this new place together of, “Do we want the same things? Can we create a life together?” This is important to look at. So if you’re getting a “maybe” and you’re uncertain, this can be framed as an experiment, but it doesn’t take – and my next few points are gonna help with this – a willingness to be in practice together. So “Am I willing, am I interested, am I available and capable of trying to co-create a win/win? Am I willing to be honest about what’s important to me, to be able to listen and understand what my partner’s wanting, and if they’re different, can we work on something that could feel good for both of us?” That is totally an option.
And you wanna ask yourself, “Is my partner interested? Are they available, and are they capable of working with me? Do they respect, do they value and do they wanna support what’s most important to me? Are they interested in the win/win and cultivating something together?” Then you have “pass Go and Proceed.”
But if you get a no there, if your partner is not capable, or if they’re not willing, or they’re not interested, you’re essentially getting a no.
Number four – this relates to creating safety and a depth of transparency together. This is assuming you’ve gotten a yes or your maybe turns into a yes – you’re both interested, you’re both available and you’re both capable. Then you’re in the process of “Not entirely sure” – this is what relationship’s like. It’s a risk. We don’t know the outcome. We are in practice together. It’s not guaranteed, so we’re again holding the intention of “What’s gonna help us both feel safe and engage?” When I say “engage” I mean “reveal”, “I’m showing you my inner world.”
I can tell you the response is usually where your partner leans in, wants to help, cares about your experience and learns, and is able to respect it and value it, because you’ve allowed them to see it in its purity. But when we talk and blame the partner, they’re gonna be too busy defending and arguing with you to actually hear what’s most vulnerable and true for you. There’s a whole piece around this, but to a small degree or to a really big degree you can test the water of this, and it’s the same principle, which is “Can I identify what’s true for me? Do I feel safe to share it? If I’m scared to share it, what do I need to help myself feel safer? What do I need for my partner, and can I take that risk? Can I be vulnerable and can I share a part of my world? Can I give this treasure, and how do they hold it? How do they respect it, how do they value it?” That’s gonna incrementally build trust.
But if they’re not there, they don’t want to and they’re not available or capable, then you’re getting a no. I do think this is one of the trickiest things to negotiate in relationship – the balance between both people’s needs. Giving space for the individual need and your partner’s need, and when they’re different or conflicting, that’s where conflict happens and people get all tripped up. It’s super difficult to negotiate a lot of times. But sometimes we don’t even get to that place.
In this young woman’ conversation with me I didn’t hear her feeling like she could even step to the plate, so I don’t think that she even gave herself the opportunity to start to foster this intimacy. You wanna choose someone that you feel is a good match, has the same values and priorities and goals, and then if all of that lines up, then you wanna enter into practice around “Can I show, can I reveal, and can you hold that? Can you respect and value that?”, and then “Can I hear where you’re at?” and then they reveal, and it’s this mutual deepening that’s a positive cycle.
Essentially, you are co-creating your relationship. If you bring yourselves fully, you’re crafting the relationship – the qualities of it, the structure of it, what the values of the relationship are… Your relationship ideally will represent both people.
The last point I have here is the opportunity to do even deeper growth and transformational work in relationship. When we do get that yes and we are in the practice of stepping to the plate, revealing and feeling met by another human being that loves you and that is a yes, that can feel scary. Someone has the power, the capacity to say no and hurt you in your most vulnerable place. It’s always that risk of “Are they gonna engage?” But if you’re in practice, if you recognize, if you step up to the plate and you’re like “Oh no, oh no…” and then you start doing all this judging or closing down or constricting, then that you have to work with. It’s an opportunity to say, “Okay, something’s coming up in me that I’m not even able to step up to the plate. I’ve got my own fear that’s sabotaging or that’s limiting my ability to even step to the plate, let me look at that.” Without judgment, but just curiosity, like “What’s there for me?” Looking at how you might be getting in your own way.
To summarize here, number one is know what is important to you – doing that deeper dive on the inner, core level of what matters most to you. Number two is really honoring and trusting those values and intentions and dreams. Number three, identify when it’s a no, when it’s not working for you. Number four, be in the experiment and the practice of creating safety and transparency, that intimacy of that mutual coming to the plate and engaging with one another in a way that works for both of you. Number five is really looking at your own capacity for intimacy.
This is gonna ebb and flow, it’s not just a light switch, yes or no. Everybody has limits to their ability for intimacy. When you close or when you need to integrate, then how do you work with that? I have a lot more I could say about that, and that’s actually in my course work as well. But just this recognizing your own comfortability with intimacy, and your pattern around when you get uncomfortable or when you’re scared, what happens in you that’s just you? What’s your pattern?
Many people will spend time investing in the no and the [unintelligible 00:57:19.24] because they’re actually scared of this genuine relationship, the genuine intimacy of love. We choose people that are emotionally not available, physically not available, for whatever reason. Because it protects us from really stepping to the plate, and it allows us to focus on the other person.
So these are some tips that I have for you. If you’re getting stuck in the “Is it me or is it him?” that really help gain some clarity, gain some real feedback in an experimental way that helps you get good answers around “Should I proceed or should I say thank you and move on?”
Thank you so much for listening. Again, this has been episode 84, “Relationship Dynamics Not Working. Is It Me Or Is It You?” If you have any comment or feedback or wanna support this listener that shared her process with you, and if you’ve been inspired or have learned something, please comment on the show notes. She will get your feedback. That can be found on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find the most recent episode there at the top. Click Show Notes and you can scroll down to the bottom and comment below.
If you have any questions or feedback for me, I would love to hear from you. Until next time, I hope you take great care!
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