Topic: Grief causing relationship problems

ERP 136: How To Handle Grief And Loss In Relationship, Part II

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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 136 – How To Handle Grief And Loss In Relationship, Part II. If you missed episode 135, I encourage you to check that out before continuing with today’s episode, as I give you an overview of grief, and really describing it as a natural response to major loss. Also, we can experience loss in subtle ways, and we might have a grief response emerge even in more subtle, small instances.

I also give you a few things to be aware of, one of which is emotional intelligence, or emotional literacy. That is some familiarity and experience with tuning into the emotional realm. Now, if this is not something you’re accustomed to, this can be particularly difficult. Grief can be intense to deal with; major heartbreak, major feelings of intense emotional pain, and we don’t have any familiarity with how to attend to our emotional world. This can be that much more difficult. And I describe some things that might contribute to the lack of a lot of experience in this area, be it upbringing, your profession, and other things as well.

I also gave you an overview of how your body is doing its very best in the grieving process to recover and heal. This will happen physiologically, emotionally and psychologically, so I give you an understanding of what’s typically, and feelings that might emerge, be it shock, stress, anxiety, irritability, anger, fear… Also, the bodily response, that our brain capacity might be a little more limited, our memory might not be as sharp, we might feel foggy in our brain and not be able to make as quick of decisions as we normally would. We also might feel a lack of appetite, no desire to eat, we might sleep more than we normally would, or feel a sense of insomnia. We might just feel more fatigued. So there’s a lot of physiological symptoms as we are really coping with this major experience of grief and loss.

And psychologically, we can also be grappling with some very big questions, and our identity might feel changed. “Who am I now?” or “What’s really important to me?” We might be really grieving hopes, dreams, goals, expectations…

I also shared with you the five stages of grief in a brief overview. And again, if you missed any of this and would like to hear this before proceeding, again, you can check out 135, part I, How To Handle Grief And Loss In Relationship. If you are interested in accessing today’s show notes or any other episode, you can find the show notes on my website DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes there. The most recent one shows up at the top. If you have a comment, input or feedback for me, you can leave that in the comment section at the bottom of the show note page, and you can also e-mail me directly – [email protected]. I always love hearing from you, and especially love including your voice in this bigger conversation on The Empowered Relationship Podcast.

If you will, join me in setting the intention for The Empowered Relationship Podcast. That is as we discuss topics that are related to relationship and the relational experience, we are aware of the complex terrain of long-lasting intimacy. The real goal is for us to be more cognizant of what is all involved, so that we’re not so blind-sided when we are confronted with an upset. And that really how we’re trying to frame some of the challenges and difficulties in relationship is that it’s curriculum… Curriculum for developing our relationship, deepening our intimacy, as well as becoming more individually whole, like seeing relationship as a teacher.

And that we will be shown areas perhaps where we need to improve, heal and grow. All the topics discussed, other experts interviewed, and listeners where I provide laser coaching for, are all intended to support the goal of deepening our understanding and awareness of what relationship will ask of us, so that we can set ourselves up for success and cultivating happy, lasting love.

Let’s get started with today’s episode, 136 – How To Handle Grief And Loss In Relationship, Part II. Today I am going to be walking through the six tips that I’m giving you in how to cope with the grieving process, using the acronym of TRIBES. These suggestions are not intended to be sequential; it’s not a step-by-step process at all. Again, as I said in episode 135, each person’s grieving process is gonna look extremely different. If I were in a position of grieving a deep loss, I would actually not start with T, the one I’m gonna describe first, so I just wanna encourage you, as you’re listening, to just consider that these recommendations could  also be combined; you can start with anyone that resonates for you, and that it again is in no particular order and it’s just with what feels most congruent with what would be healing and would help your whole being recover.

T stands for Take Action. The thing I wanna emphasize in this suggestion is utilizing your physical body. When I say Take Action, I’m not referring to the anxious, heady, disembodied, frenetic action where we don’t know how to settle or be congruent with what’s going on. When I say Take Action, I’m referring to being real about what’s going on and moving in a way that feels congruent and natural.

We see children often demonstrate this – if they’re feeling upset, they might stomp their feet, or collapse on the ground in frustration, or pound their fists. This is physical gesture of the emotional state. When we are confronted with intense emotional pain and suffering, sometimes we don’t know what to do with that, as I discussed.

I also in episode 135 talked about when we are in a life circumstance that’s beyond our control in our physical – possibly a natural disaster, or something unfortunate that is a major tragedy – we will feel almost as if we’ve endured some level of trauma. This can be incredibly difficult to process, and one of the best ways to help integrate the intensity of the emotion is to get into the physical body in a safe way.

Now, this comes from somatic psychology – Peter Levine is a major contributor to this field, particularly in the way of trauma. You may have heard of the book “Waking The Tiger.” He’s helping people learn how to access the intense emotional experience in the trauma, so that they can move it and discharge it utilizing the body. He references how animals have a tendency to do this naturally.

You may have seen a nature show perhaps showing the African Safari, and there’s herd animals, perhaps antelope, grazing peacefully. Then, all of a sudden, off in the distance you see this cheetah prowling, ready to stalk and attack. As you watch the scene unfold, and perhaps one of the antelope got away from the cheetah just in time, but had maybe a paw scratch the back of his leg… And it’s intense to watch, but you watch this antelope – typically, what they’ll do is they will shake, shake-shake-shake-shake-shake it all off, and then they appear to be back to somewhat of normalcy.

I even see this with dogs. Perhaps there’s a dog that’s underfoot and get stepped on and yelps; it’s painful, and they’ll shake it off. Or if you see dogs playing and it gets a little rough, and one gets maybe hurt a little bit, they will shake that off. So it’s this way of utilizing the body to kind of discharge the intensity, because the nervous system is gonna alert us and give that boost of the cortisol in the fight or flight or freeze response, and if we can help release that in any form, the body is a great tool to do that.

I remember in a somatic psychology class in my PhD program hearing about some research that looked at traumatic incidences, and comparing how people responded to the incident and their level of PTSD symptoms. I remember one particular comparison, which was an event where there was a group of people on a bus, and the bus had an accident and overturned. Group A, they waited; the call was made and they knew people were on their way and they held tight, waiting for help to come.

In a similar incident, a bus full of people has an accident and it’s overturned. Group B – they make the call, they know help is on the way, and they start incrementally taking action together to get out of the bus and get to safety. When they look at people’s symptoms of post-traumatic stress, the people in group A had far greater symptoms than people in group B. This is attributed to their ability to start moving and take action, in a constructive way.

The inclination to collapse, be frozen and paralyzed in fear is understandable, and that may serve a purpose. But when  we can start to work with what wants to happen, whether or not it’s to run, or whether or not it’s to gently move, to get the body into motion can help with that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and paralysis, help us feel, not be so numb.

I have a client who is facing some immense grief and upset in her relationship with her husband, and she has been very perplexed in how to handle the intense grief. As I was talking with her and giving her direction and guidance, she actually on her own accord was resonating with some of the description of what I was recommending, and on her own accord came up with the idea of “I love to do freeform movement and dance, and it possibly would be helpful for me to get connected with my emotion and move, and dance.”

In a later session she described how helpful this was. It allowed her to move some of the energy and shift some of the energy and not feel so tightly wound and stuck.

Recently, my husband and I were fortunate enough to visit St. Bart’s, an island in the Caribbean. We visit family there, as they go almost every year. It was remarkable how much together on that island they have cleaned up the devastation from hurricane Irma and how they are well on their way of building and rebuilding, and that their community is coming together and being stronger… And it was visible, and it was inspiring to see this action and this collective effort.

This last Wednesday I had the chance to reconnect with a friend who lives in Montecito, California and had been evacuated for the second time for the mudslides, and the tragedy and devastation that occurred there weeks ago… And as she was able to return to her home and to her business, she was describing the disarray. She shared a story about taking a break at work, with the goal of finding a volunteer group called The Bucket Brigade. Volunteers for this group come prepared to dig dirt into buckets to help dig out cars, dig out a path for people to be able to access their home, that’s incurred tremendous devastation.

She described this story, which I won’t go into great detail, but basically going into a road that is partitioned off and is closed. All of Mill Road, which had some of the major devastation of the mudslide, and how it was unrecognizable and she just felt like “I don’t even know if I should be walking down this street…” And there’s construction workers and people really assisting in the cleanup, recovery act, and she is trying to find this volunteer group, and they keep telling her, “Yeah, just keep going, keep going.”

She finally finds the location, and she talks to the person, the main head coordinator, and she’s learning about how to sign up and all the things that she needs to be really prepared to be of service. And she notices somebody she recognizes, and they have some quick exchange and she realizes this person is one of the people that had lost everything… And there she was, with a shovel in her hand, helping another family dig out an area of their need.

R stands for Ritual. When I say ritual, I’m referring to something that has significance to you. It’s about the intention, what it represents. In American culture at least, there are a few areas where we ceremonialise – when we get married, when a young one graduates from high school or college, and we have ways in which we recognize the significance of the event, yet I would love to encourage that we can actually bring ceremony or bring ritual into our everyday life. I believe that it adds a sense of meaning that can bring our energy and our intention into focus, which can be extremely powerful. So if you’re faced with a huge loss, or a potential loss, could there be something that supports the intention of your grieving process?

Three years ago my husband got a call from his mother that his stepfather, who served as a main father figure for him – he lived with him since he was three years old and served as primary father – was in the hospital. Now, at this time he had been struggling with cancer for several years, with all the various treatments and it had been a long, long journey. When my husband and I visited, just that last holiday season, only a month or so prior, we could see in him that his light was fading. You could see it in his eyes, feel it in his energy.

When we got this call, I thought it was gonna be the end of his life. I immediately felt drawn to lighting a candle. We live several thousand miles away, and for me this candle represented our love, our support and holding vigil.

I turned on some soft, ambient music and I pulled out paper and a pen, to write all the things that I have appreciated about him, and loved about him, and wanted to acknowledge. I wanted to have an opportunity to share all of the things I felt were beautiful and precious about him, and I wanted him to know. And I spent a significant amount of time drafting this letter in just acknowledgement of his amazing qualities.

As a testament to his strength, and courage, and willingness to fight with every part of his being, he actually recovered and then six months later he died. At his memorial, I read a portion of that letter. And that letter represented voice of my heart, and I’m grateful that I gave opportunity to that.

As we look at R for Ritual, I just wanna encourage that these rituals can be home-made, they can be made up. It’s about what the action signifies, what it represents, and the meaning. It can be really anything. There have been times in my life where I have wanted to release and let go. I have done this by using fire, writing something on paper and then throwing it into the fire, and that this represents a release. Some people use the burning bowl ritual; you can look that up. And essentially, fire represents transformation, a cleansing process. It actually changes the physical property if you write something on paper and you throw it into the fire; it changes from paper to smoke, and then it gets released into the atmosphere. So there can be a lot of symbolism around that.

I’ve also used the process of being next to a river, and the form of water of carrying on. Tossing a leaf, and what the leaf represents – this can all be very much, like I said, made up, and just what it means to you, what it signifies to you. So the leaf could represent something that you’re ready to let go of and watching it be carried down the river. Or perhaps something you wanna take with you – I’ve used rocks, writing on a rock – of something that you wanna remember. Because if you’re in an unfortunate circumstance – or perhaps longer-term unfortunate, we don’t know – but are going through some type of separation or divorce or breakup, there’s very little ritual or ceremony to support this. “What do I do with my wedding ring? How do I talk to people on social media?” There’s so much celebratory acknowledgement around getting into relationship, getting married, and yet pretty much radio silence when it comes to breaking up… So how do you support yourself to create meaning and significance around the loss and the learnings (hopefully) that are involved.

I stands for Impeccable Self-Care. This is a tip that I would recommend incorporating immediately. When faced with significant loss, again, as I described in episode 135, it is likely that you will be faced with intense emotional pain at some point. It often feels as though it comes in waves. At one moment you may feel fine, and the next you will feel collapsed on the floor in despair. And that your brain, as I talked about, your whole body, every part of your being is trying to calibrate, recover, acclimate and heal. So to support yourself, to give yourself more resource and healing.

This could be getting more sleep – adequate sleep… I don’t encourage sleeping all the time; you don’t wanna get too much sleep. Perhaps slowing down your pace. Giving yourself extra time to get to an appointment, not planning too many things… Just slowing down your pace a little bit.

If you don’t have an appetite, perhaps drinking nutritious juices or broths, like green juice or broths that have some type of electrolytes, so that you’re getting some type of hydration and nutrients even if you don’t have an appetite.

Perhaps think about things that have been nurturing to your soul in the past, be it walking in nature, or taking a hot bath, or getting a massage. These are all forms of taking really good care of yourself. I’d add being kind to yourself.

I mentioned in episode 135 there is a big difference between grieving and being hard and negative towards yourself. About a year ago one of my clients was processing intense grief, and he was also aware of his tendency to feel depressed and to be judgmental of himself… And we really worked with the discernment process of when he was really being hard on himself, and judgmental, and having negative thoughts, and when it was just genuine grief. Because he was describing to me how inadequate and unworthy he felt. He was grieving a relationship and he felt as though he was a package and he was getting stamped Return To Sender/Rejected/Not Wanted. And just that went to a deep, dark place for him.

I really wanna encourage you to be aware of when it starts to turn a corner, just as I’m encouraging you to be kind to yourself, I wanna encourage you to choose kind, positive people to be around. You may choose to postpone engagements with people that tend to gossip, or be critical, or judgmental… You really wanna protect yourself. You’re in a tender, vulnerable place, and to be with people who lift you up, who love you and support you and accept you no matter what, in any shape or form you are, come as you are.

Similarly, I would also encourage you to go to places that have a positive environment. You may not wanna go to a busy mall, or go to a crowded bar. You might wanna go to more soothing places and environments. Again, nature is a really great choice.

In line with impeccable self-care, I also wanna encourage you to be aware of how much you engage with social media. When we were experiencing the devastation of the natural disaster of the Thomas Fire and then the mudslide, there was so much being posted on social media… And I get the inclination and the desire to wanna stay current, know what’s latest, also seek support and be in community with others, but what can also happen is we don’t have as much choice; the filter is not necessarily on. We might see imagery that will activate us, that will be traumatizing.

We might be on a short little break and we’re scrolling through our phone, hoping to get a source of inspiration, or hope, or sense of connection, and yet we might have the very opposite experience, of where we’re now being exposed to something that is heart-wrenching and traumatizing. Now we’re adding more to the plate.

If you’re dealing with a more personal loss, I would even encourage setting similar parameters and limits and awareness around when you turn to social media what are you looking for and how do you protect yourself if you’re being exposed to things that trigger you or make it worse.

I’ve had clients who have dealt with a miscarriage, and oh, man, go on social media on Mother’s Day, and that is just painful. Or perhaps you’re dealing with a separation or a relationship breakup, and you turn to social media and you’re seeing pictures and videos of happy couples. We tend on social media to put the best version of ourselves, so we don’t even know what’s going on behind closed doors, but it’s easy to compare, and when we’re feeling grief and loss, it can be that much more compounded by the contrast of what it appears that other people have. This can cause additional pain.

B stands for Be Present With Love. Now, when I say “Present With Love”, it may sound like I’m encouraging you to connect with the love that you would express to others. That is in part true, but more, I wanna encourage the sense of opening and surrendering to what is available in the moment. Be present to love that is all around you.

Some of you may have spiritual beliefs, religious beliefs or practices that will support this in the way of prayer, meditation, or the simple act of breathing in and breathing out… That you can acknowledge what you’re receiving and feel gratitude for the ways in which you are supported and loved, whether or not it’s a kind smile from a complete stranger walking down the street, or someone at the coffee shop that takes extra care to make sure that your coffee is perfect and delivers it to you with a gesture of goodwill. Or a friend that reaches out and says, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you. Are you okay? I would love to spend some time with you.” There might be many ways that you can experience love’s presence if you open, and I get that that’s a vulnerable process.

In the personal story that I referenced in part one, episode 135, I talked about a story in which I was doing intense grief work, and I gave you the link to the podcast where I share the full story… I’m referencing it again, because as I faced grief that was so immense, I didn’t know that I would actually survive, as silly as that might sound. I felt that it might overwhelm me to the point of I couldn’t handle it… And I share how I chose to open and surrender, and I remember laying on my bed and just opening and surrendering, feeling as though I didn’t know that I could survive that level of grief. And immediately, I felt this wave of grace, love and warmth wash over me. This is a phenomenon that is talked about in many people’s stories of facing intense grief, trauma and loss.

In a documentary titled Fierce Grace, with Ram Dass, he interviews people who share very similar stories, that when faced with intense emotional grief, loss and trauma, that if we have a level of openness and willingness, that we may feel a sense of profound grace, love, warmth, connection. The very opposite. We feel such disconnect, such loss, and then we feel such connection. It’s almost as if we are broken open to find that we are whole.

Another way of being present with love is a way of being of service to others, it’s giving your love away. There are always people in need, and if we can show up in that place of service, like I said in that story moments ago – this woman had lost everything, and yet here she is volunteering to help another family. We are and can connect with that sense of healing collectively, in the act of feeling, love and support. We can generate that, we can cultivate that.

As I offer healing and support to you, I am healed and supported. I’ll leave you with one other suggestion in this point, and that is to, in connection with another, be present and deeply listen. Not being preoccupied with what was just said, or what just happened, or what will happen, but being in that very moment, and listening. There can be a deep connection that’s available with whomever you are in contact with.

It reminds me of a quote by Maya Angelou:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

E stands for Express Yourself. In the field of psychology and personal growth there is a phrase – “You have to feel it to heal it.” This is a recommendation or a tip that I personally would start with, in conjunction with Impeccable Self-Care (I). Expressing yourself could be just to yourself, but really what I’m trying to encourage in this suggestion is to not avoid, not deny your emotion. Again, I realize it may be intense, it may be difficult to confront, but if you start to, in whatever form, accept how you’re feeling, you will begin to process. Emotions typically have a beginning, a middle and an end.

Again, as we look at children, and they are feeling something deeply, they will express it, they’ll be feeling it, and they’ll let it run its course, and then they will be off and running, and be fine. It’s like, they had to experience the feeling and express it, and then they were able to move it through their system and move on.

As adults, I believe we give less permission for this process. There’s another philosophy in psychology that comes from neuropsychology research, that “You have to name it to tame it.” The very act of identifying an emotion lowers the intensity. It’s ironic, when we turn towards, it actually lessens. Rather than when we turn away, it will tend to get louder, to get our attention.

When we’re faced with grief and loss, again, there is a recovery process, but there also is an opportunity to look at what we’re feeling and what is contributing to that, and possibly have some deep reflection and understanding and awareness, so that we may possibly learn from that experience.

The other beautiful thing about being able to identify your emotion is that once you identify it, you’re that much more able to support yourself. If you don’t know what you’re feeling, it’s very hard to take care of yourself. But if you recognize you’re scared, then perhaps you can learn how to help yourself, protect yourself, support yourself.

If you’re listening and you’re like, “Okay, great, this all sounds wonderful, but I have no idea how to get in touch with my feelings”, there are some ways that perhaps you can evoke your emotions through music, through movies, or again, as I mentioned, in movement, getting into some form of movement. One suggestion in that regard is if your grief had a physical posture, what would that be? Perhaps you would be on the ground, sprawled out and just laid out, or perhaps you’d be collapsed into a ball.

If you are grieving and dealing with some type of loss, I would recommend setting aside time to give your healing process space. Again, you could watch a sad movie that perhaps touches on the topic that you’re facing. You could listen to music that evokes the same type of feelings that you’re feeling. You could write. And again, the intention of this type of writing would be not to keep it. Perhaps taking out computer paper that you intend to shred and that you’re not gonna edit, censor, or pay attention to spelling or grammar. The whole purpose is to get the emotion and the content of what you’re feeling out of you, express yourself. This can also be done through art, getting out watercolors, or crayons, or any type of modality that allows you to create something that is a representation of what you’re feeling. This is a wonderful way of giving attention to your emotional state so that it has its process and also so that you can gain greater understanding and awareness as to the learning involved.

S stands for Seek Support. I realize this might be an obvious reminder, yet when we are grieving and dealing with intense emotional pain, it can be extremely difficult to reach out for support from our loved ones, so I would recommend preemptively scheduling with people. Again, not to overload yourself, but to stay in connection with people who love you, care about you, and can support you. You can always cancel if need be, yet to have to it place can be extremely healing and therapeutic, and I encourage that, even if you feel not inclined or not wanting to, that it can be very helpful, to get in that field of love and support, and even to just change your perspective for a little while.

I have a client who was displaced and experienced the tragedy of the mudslide in Montecito and she was incredibly disoriented and feeling incredible grief, and she talked about scheduling time with a friend that means a lot to her. And she went that extra step and planned something unique, where they went horseback riding. I think animals can be incredibly therapeutic. They offer that sense of being present, and can offer some sense of soothing.

Whether or not it is spending time with a pet or an animal, or if it’s scheduling with family and friends and loved ones, that can be positive and kind, that can create that meaningful connection. That also gives you the space to be honest, real and vulnerable. This last week I had an opportunity to share in a luncheon intended for soothing the soul and helping people get an understanding of how to deal with tragedy, loss and grief. This was held at a local co-working space. The name of this space is called Synergy, and the owners are this beautiful couple. They shared personal stories of grief and loss, and they shared so openly and vulnerably; they were great examples and models of how to be together in a place of vulnerability and sensitivity, and not having to have it all put together, that it’s okay.

When we see someone expressing vulnerability, I believe it gives us permission, it welcomes us to be more real and more authentic. It’s inviting a deeper level of connection, indicating “We can go there. It’s okay.” And their biggest intention for this luncheon was to hold a place of community and support in light of the recent tragedies. I was grateful to be a part of this event.

To recap, the acronym TRIBES. T represents Take Action. R represents Ritual. I, Impeccable Self-Care. B, Be Present with Love. E, Express Yourself. S, Seek Support.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. When experiencing grief causing relationship problems it is necessary to know how to handle it to save your relationship and have a better connection with your partner.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode. Again, this is 136, Part II, How To Handle Grief And Loss In Relationship. If you have a question or are interested in getting more support, feel free to contact me – [email protected], that’s my e-mail. You can also visit my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com.

Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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