Topic: How secrets can destroy a relationship
ERP 139: How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 139, How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship. Today’s episode is in response to a listener’s question. Before we get into the content of today’s episode, I would love for you to just join me in calibrating what the conversations are all about on this show.
The Empowered Relationship Podcast is intended to support you to feel better equipped, more prepared in doing relationship well, navigating the tricky terrain of long-lasting intimacy, knowing there will be ups and downs, and that all of everything in between is a learning opportunity… Therefore the goal is not about seeking comfort, it’s embracing the reality that in life we are going to experience joy, great intimacy, excitement and just great pleasure, and that how we negotiate that, as well as how we negotiate the challenges – those will also be present at times… That we will be faced with upset, potential anger, threat, sorrow, grief, and that we are learning how to face that, deal with it in a more skillful, mindful way.
So again, the goal is not to avoid the ups and the downs and seeking comfort, but it’s more of when we experience the up and the down, that we know how to manage it well… And ultimately, the goal is to increase our capacity for more – to receive more love, and to be able to give more love fully and freely. And again, also in those lows, that we are able to recognize when we’re reacting, and turn towards the emotion and be with what is, so that we can transform that. I know that that’s not an easy process, hence me wanting to support you through the way of offering stories, tips and recommendations and education in these teachings and principles.
To gain access to today’s show notes, you can visit my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes listed there. The most recent ones are at the top. Again, today’s episode is 139, How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship.
As we move forward with today’s show, if you recognize you have a wondering, you have a question that you would like to hear discussed on the Empowered Relationship Podcast, you can also visit the website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Contact, and you can find the ways to reach me there, and a little bit of framework for how to submit a question.
Let’s get started with today’s episode. An anonymous listener writes:
“I love your podcast! Thank you so much for all your advice. I have been dating a guy ten years my age for just over a year. The first five months of our relationship I was emotionally cheating with my ex. When it became open I cut off communication and worked very hard to gain back trust. It’s been eight months on a rollercoaster of emotions trying to earn back trust.
I did everything I thought to do to fix my mistakes and it seemed futile. It came to a point where I told myself I was “done” if he aggressively accused me and belittled me one more time. It happened of course, and that was a turning point for me. I have lost interest in trying. Now my boyfriend decided he doesn’t want to lose me and wants to work on things and even offered to pay for counseling… But I can’t get my ex (whom I emotionally cheated on with) out of my head. I haven’t contacted him, since I don’t want things to be more messy than they already are, but I don’t know what to do. Is my obsession with my ex real or fake? Should I stay and fix this relationship, since my boyfriend wants to work on things, or should I move on or, contact my ex?”
To this listener, I wanna say thank you for reaching out and sharing your particular situation. I know it’s a little vulnerable to be exposed and be open to feedback and guidance when things feel so challenging? There’s several things that you’re talking about in your question, but first off I wanna really address your last question, which is “Should I stay or should I go?” and if your obsession with your ex is real or fake.
As much as I would love to be able to give you a golden key around this question and just give you the answer that will set you free from some of these dynamics, unfortunately I can’t give you that direct answer. But what I’d love to do is encourage you to consider some of the things that I’m going to be discussing in today’s episode… And really, truly, at the end of the day what I know is that it is nearly impossible to create a thriving, truly intimate, safe and conscious connection when there’s a lot of withholding.
Today I’m gonna be talking about withholding – what it looks like, what it involves, how it gets so complicated, and I’m gonna invite two strong recommendations. Many, many years ago when I really became confronted with hardship in my relationship, one of the books that I referenced at that time was by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks – one of their classic books, “Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment.” I wanna read an excerpt out of this book; it’s on page 48. The book that I’m referencing today is an older edition; I think that they’ve actually published newer editions, so I hope this will match, if you have this book and wanna follow along. Okay, on page 48 they’re talking about withholding:
“Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you will begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own. Withdrawal follows withholding so swiftly that we often do not notice the sense of distance at first.
Classic exchanges emerge: “What’s wrong, honey?” “Oh, nothing.” The tendency to hide how we feel is so ingrained that it often lasts long into even the healthiest relationship. In our own relationship, where we have been practicing these principles for well over a decade, we still have to maintain constant vigilance to make sure we do not slip back into hiding our feelings and desires from each other.”
In today’s listener’s question, she’s describing a clear example of the confusion that can ensue. If we have been somewhere else in our relationship, we’ve been sort of checked out, or half there, it’s extremely difficult to assess the quality of the connection, because we haven’t fully been present.
A couple analogies come to mind. I have told many of you in previous podcasts that I play a lot beach volleyball, and I believe this is true for any sport – if we’re not focused, if we’re coming to the actual sport distracted, preoccupied, stressed from the day or anxious about what’s to come in the future, it’s likely that it will impact performance level.
So if I play a game and I recognize that I’m not playing to my actual skill level, it could be easy to blame my lack of focus. “Oh, I’m distracted. It’s been a stressful day” or “I’m worried about something in the future.” We do this, but it’s easy to say that’s not my actual skill level, because I can blame it on not being fully present, or that could be the excuse.
Unfortunately, more often than not I will hear people talk about having gotten into some small fender bender, and a lot of the times the cause is distraction, not being focused, not being fully present. So one could argue that that’s not reflective of their actual skill level, but on one hand, being present is a skill. It’s really difficult to speculate what things would be like if you were really in the relationship.
Similarly, it’s a little bit of a copout for me to say “Oh, that’s not really how I play. I play so much better, but yet me being distracted and me being not all the way focused is a part of my skill.” And one would argue even being able to pay attention while you’re driving a vehicle is also part of the skill of driving.
The point here that I’m wanting to make is that it’s a little bit difficult to do that mental hoop of how to evaluate your current relationship based on being partly present. Your relationship is likely to be very different with you fully in. This also leaves room for a lot of if-then fantasies. “If I were not have been emotionally cheating on my ex, then…” and then fill in the blank. We can go into a lot of imagined ideas and fantasies about what things would be like. This type of mental hoop jumping though is dangerous, because it requires a tremendous amount of projecting, guessing, assuming, which are all recipes for disasters in relationship if we rely on that solely, because it creates a lot of room for perceiving things inaccurately. We’re not actually connecting with the other person in the here and now.
When we make up a story about our significant other, we’re in some ways robbing them of the opportunity to really reveal themselves, and this is where the misunderstanding is and the disconnect… Because again, we’re projecting what we think, rather than allowing them to share.
Also, I think even more importantly, it doesn’t give them any room to really see you, meet you and be with you in a real genuine, authentic way. This is what creates intimacy and connection – when we reveal something that feels vulnerable or difficult, and our partner is able to step towards us and leans in. Over time, this is what creates safety and connection and deepens the bond.
One of my favorite podcast episodes on the Empowered Relationship Podcast is within a bit of a series, but it’s 110 – How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship. It really discusses this tension between how to reveal the individual that may threaten or feel that it threatens the relationship harmony… Because most of us, when we go into relationship, highly prioritize the couple bond, the union, the harmony, the connection, and we do not wanna upset that. Yet, at the same time we are two individuals in a relationship, and each individual is responsible for their own unique expression and life, and often times we are on different journeys… Especially, as you mentioned, an age difference, right? Depending on your age, you might be in a different developmental stage, be it in your career or otherwise.
It reminds me of a client that I’ve worked with for a while in my private practice when I was in Boulder, Colorado. He described very succinctly how he felt extremely torn inside himself, very internally conflicted, where he has on one side of himself a part of him that loves adventure, that seeks the thrill of being alive. He described being an extreme skier growing up, and just all of the types of things that he was involved in. And he also loved his wife, loved his family and very much enjoyed his career… Yet, as he described the different parts of himself, they were essentially at odds; they didn’t really live well together.
He also shared with me that earlier in his life, he has been known to do 180’s. He described in his young adult years having a relationship, having a job and feeling really content in a lot of ways, but then the stirring would emerge in him, and it would build, and he’d feel angsty, and it was this part of him that sought and needed that sense of thrill and adventure, and that feeling of being alive, and there’s some risk involved I’m sure, just that adrenaline, but it was his own real description that was unique for him, that he didn’t really have a place where he was nurturing that part of himself.
I was not working with him in these earlier years, but he said “I pretty much broke up with my girlfriend, quit my job and then traveled the world.” And fast-forward, he’s feeling that same conflict with me… And my encouragement was how could these different parts of himself begin to work together? And there’s a whole process around how to do that.
The stakes were a lot higher, because he was married, and he had a small child, and he had his business, and it wasn’t an option for him — well, it didn’t feel like a good option, let’s just say that. So really, our work was turning towards this part that really had a longing, and I’m gonna talk about that in a moment… But I just wanna recognize that there is this classic tension in relationship for the individual self and the couple connection; sometimes those needs – the individual needs and the couple needs – might feel at odds, and how do we negotiate that. If you wanna hear more about that specific topic, check out episode 110 – How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship.
There’s a seriousness to this. As we discuss these conflicting needs, some of us who are faced with tremendous relationship challenges, sometimes what people will do is they’ll avoid this (it’s too painful to confront) or they’re uncertain around how to address any of this, and it doesn’t feel that there’s a possibility of a win/win. We’ve already made it up in our minds that there’s no good solution. I can’t tell you how many people have come into my office and they’re convinced, hands-down, that their partner will never change and that there’s no hope… But for their own conscience, they’re putting forth some level of effort to show up to do some coaching and counseling.
Okay, but part of this I wanted to just say is the lack of understanding or awareness around what is possible; sometimes we’re asking the wrong questions, or we’re focusing on the wrong things, in the sense of what’s gonna help us get over and through, and develop ways to deal with these differences, or deal with these conflicts. They’re not inherently irreconcilable or unsolvable, although it may feel at times.
Turning back to this listener’s question, I wanna address another point of confusion and difficulty, and that is when your partner is dealing with a lack of your presence, feels your disconnect. It can be natural for your partner to feel some level of threat or vulnerability, not feeling that you’re accessible, that you’re engaged, and that you’re really present. This is where people start to act out and protest, out of fear and insecurity. They might ask questions, they might probe, and unfortunately, people will behave in destructive ways, in that they don’t really know how to deal with their own pain, and they do things that are harmful.
It sounds like your boyfriend would get angry at you and attempt to belittle you, and I would not recommend continuing this dynamic. Sometimes when we feel that we’ve done something that’s a fault, or we feel like we’ve done something wrong, we will tend to put up with more. We feel somehow warranted to be punished. So on some level you may have felt like “It’s appropriate for him to be mad at me. Yeah, it makes sense that he is upset and perhaps belittling me.” At times in the early stages you might have forgiven him and really kind of accepted it… But as you described, it was a repeat pattern, it wasn’t actually helping him feel any better, and it certainly was not supporting you or the couple dynamic.
I will add some links to the show notes page about how to manage destructive behavior in relationship, and also how to assert some of these boundaries in a non-blaming way, because continuing this dynamic where you have doubts, you have ambivalence and are partly there; he’s gonna sense this, and then he’s gonna feel threatened and then protest, but perhaps do it in ways where he’s not managing his pain directly. He’s trying to control you to feel better, which doesn’t work, and again, in the interim, is really damaging to your guys’ connection.
It is a vicious cycle – the more you withhold, the more your partner will sense something’s off, and your partner has a choice definitely in how they deal with that threat. But again, as I said, unfortunately, when people don’t feel safe and they don’t have the skill to say “I am scared, you’re not really with me in this”, people will act out out of fear and disconnect, and this is where that destructive behavior happens. Because when he doesn’t say “I’m hurting. I feel scared, I feel vulnerable”, you can’t really see his pain. You’re likely gonna pay attention to his punishing, his belittling, his anger, and that’s where the downward spiral ensues. You’ll pull away, you’ll feel hurt, you’ll feel damaged, and the result of that is you’ll disconnect and then he feels more threatened, and then essentially you have two partners that are hurting and are turning away from each other, that don’t trust each other and don’t feel safe and are not connected. And then when there is the desire to reconnect, it’s hard to know which thread to follow, it’s hard to feel like there’s stable ground. It gets very complicated and it’s hard to know who did what and why.
Most of the time, we will feel that we act out of defense. “I only said that because you did that!” “Well, I did that because you said this!” It can go this back and forth, and it’s really hard to find a place of clarity. This is where when this downward spiral ensues, and this is more of the habitual pattern, the habitual way of interacting, couples do not feel safe. If you’ve listened to the episode with Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt, they did a brilliant job of really emphasizing the importance of the space between, the interaction within the couple. I did an episode about that very thing, about the environment, the climate of the relationship; I can also post a link for that episode.
What I wanna say here is that when this conflict is so high, and it feels so unsafe, most couples cannot be honest, cannot really reveal, and therefore it’s very difficult to have any place of real clarity and connection.
Referring back to Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks, one of the major things that they emphasize – and I’ve been so grateful for their teachings around this – is to speak the truth, the uncomfortable truth. I think they reference the sweaty 10-minute conversation, and really having the courage to be vulnerable and say the thing that’s not pretty.
I’ll quote them here: “The most fundamental thing we as humans can do to keep growing is to notice the truth and speak it. Instead, we withhold, withdraw and project.”
Now I’d like to turn the conversation to the two recommendations that I have in response to the listener’s sharing and question. The first is begin to set some limits about what type of behavior you’re willing to engage with, and that’s recognizing your own behavior, as well as your boyfriend’s. If he starts to belittle you, I would really remove yourself from the situation, and it will be key to have a conversation with him ahead of time. Let him know you care about his experience. If he has a concern issue or feelings about something, that you are available to listen and be with him, and you’re not willing to be the target of his anger and his belittling. So talking about it ahead of time will help him understand that when you do walk away, you’re not rejecting him, but rather you are trying to create safety by removing yourself from the situation and the negative interaction. Because if you stay, it’s likely that you are gonna feel hurt, that you’re gonna feel damaged and disrespected and you’re gonna want to really protect yourself, and likely that’s gonna be something negative in response.
Again, please refer to the article about damaging destructive behavior, as well as how to set limits and boundaries with your significant other, because essentially you’re gonna be changing the rules, and I would encourage you to discuss this ahead of time. My second recommendation is for you to do some inner work here, to turn towards yourself and reflect on some of your deeper motivations. With your ex, what does he represent for you? What do you associate with him?
Years and years ago, I believe I was like 21, 22, and growing up, I did not have really any cavities… I had a cavity I think when I was like 19 — the timeframe is so fuzzy at the moment, but I had had a cavity that I ignored, or didn’t know if it was a cavity, something of the like, and I ignored it for too long and it got too deep, and it was recommended that I have a root canal… So young, and like I said, I didn’t have a lot of cavities, and I think I just was a little over-confident about it all. So I was getting a root canal, and I just had the local anesthetic, so I could hear it all. I remember thinking “Oh my god, this is awful, hearing all the sawing sound…” I’ll spare you the details, I’m sure you can use your imagination, or have been through it and can recall… It was extremely uncomfortable, that’s the bigger point. It was a little awful, and I didn’t have any earbuds at the time. I didn’t have a significant other at the time. I had just moved back to my hometown, and I basically brought to mind an old boyfriend. This particular boyfriend represented some really good feelings for me, in the sense of just that young love that was pure, innocent, safe and just really heartfelt, just a really beautiful connection… So I, in some ways, was fantasizing about him. Not anything weird or even sexual, but just feeling his presence, feeling his energy and his kind of almost simulating his support… Because I just was reaching, I was looking for comfort, so it was where my mind went.
Sometimes we will do this when we are in pain. Our mind will start fantasizing about pleasure in the past, or something we have associated with goodness, comfort, security and safety, and I think that’s actually a healthy thing in some ways. However, if we’re using it as a crutch and we’re not really doing the work to address what’s not working and what’s painful in the moment… I was in the process of getting a root canal, so I was actually getting it addressed, right…? It would be another thing if I was feeling the toothache and I was like, “No, it’s fine. I’m good…”, and just didn’t even address it, and just everytime I had a toothache I thought about this ex-boyfriend and just felt comfort and soothed my pain in that way, but I’d never address the issue. I would not recommend that.
So in the way of relationship pain, if your escape or comfort from an ex, but not really doing the work to address what you’re feeling discontent about, what you’re longing for, what you’re missing in your current relationship… And it may just be that you don’t really trust that your current boyfriend is going to handle difficulties with you in a safe, constructive way. If that’s true, I would address that specifically with him, with your boyfriend. That’s the thing that is upsetting you, that’s the thing that you’re yearning for, and perhaps that’s something your ex did rather well – he brought up issues with tact, with sensitivity and care.
Another few questions you could ask yourself is what stops you from being completely honest and transparent with your boyfriend? Are you afraid of his reaction? Are you scared of conflict? Do you not feel safe? Or perhaps sometimes people don’t address an issue because they’re afraid of losing their partner. But again, this goes back to the tension point I mentioned a moment ago, which is we will prioritize the harmony of the relationship and forego our individual needs, but over time this leads to difficulty, and often relationship break-up. People get to a point where they’re like “I’ve lost myself, I can’t do this anymore.” They look around and they’re like “This isn’t at all me. I don’t want this. I don’t love you anymore. I fell out of love with you.”
“Are you afraid of hurting them?” is another thing that I often hear… And this one’s tricky, because you will feel your partner’s pain, especially if you care about them and love them, and if we look at the long-term cost of continuing to be ambivalent, and doubt, and have side-fantasies and not bringing that to them, the long-term cost of that is way more painful, and the long-term benefit of addressing some of that discomfort in the short-term will allow you to feel some sense of freedom, and also it will give your relationship an actual chance. How does he meet what is true, what is real? Because again, I wanna reiterate, that’s where intimacy is; you wanna be able to bring your real self to the relationship. Otherwise, you’re just spending a lot of energy and a lot of time fabricating and continuing to put up a pretense or a facade, and that takes a lot of energy to maintain, and ultimately there’s no real relationship that’s getting co-created.
Again, it’s based on facade, and this is not rewarding to either person, because you’ll never feel a sense of security that he loves you, for all of you. It would be like “Oh, he loves this part of me”, and you could never maybe feel totally relaxed or feel like you’re able to let your hair down and your guard down. Or perhaps he doesn’t ever feel secure that he really is connected to you, or that he is in a solid relationship. “She might leave me at any moment”, and he’s feeling this sense of anxiety and need to control. He’s not feeling relaxed, and he’s not feeling able to let his guard down, and it’s very difficult to connect and create intimacy in this climate.
Again, the two recommendations I’m trying to invite here is one, to really set some structure and some limits to the negative interactions; that’s not gonna help either one of you or your relationship. It’s just gonna cause more hurt, more damage, and more to untangle.
The second is to do some inner reflection. Answer some of these questions. What does your ex represent for you? What’s your association? In your current relationship, what are you missing? What are you longing for? What does fantasizing about your ex do for you? Does it shift something for you? Does it soothe pain? Does it provide comfort? What is it that your emotional tie to your ex does for you? Is it a form of escape? And what keeps you from being completely honest and transparent? And again, I listed some of those questions there.
One final note here about “Should I stay or should I go?”, I often see people getting preoccupied with this question – “Is this person right for me? Is this the right relationship?” and I would love to suggest taking the pressure off of trying to figure that out, “Should I be with this person?” because we do not have the skill to be a detective or a decoder of this sort. What I would encourage is focusing on “How do we invest in a positive, constructive dynamic together?” because that is something that you can develop and see in real-life, and can then assess if you put your best effort, both of you, into co-creating a dynamic that’s positive, that is honest, is authentic, and you build the skills; then you can really assess “Is this rewarding? Is this fulfilling?” Because you’re giving it your best effort. But if you’re both behaving in ways where you’re protecting yourself, it’s really difficult to say “Are you good for one another?” because you’re both not really showing up. You’re both not being willing to be vulnerable.
A while ago I did an episode with Dr. Fred Luskin, an old professor of mine, and he was using this analogy of couples having all their old baggage, all this luggage. Someone’s like “You have 12 pieces, your own individual pieces that are in front of you, and then your partner has his whole however many bags in front of him, and it’s really difficult to relate through all of that barrier.” So how do we judge when really the relationship is a ton of baggage, trying to discern what the baggage represents and what it would be like if the baggage wasn’t there…? Again, this is a lot of imagining, and it’s really, really difficult to get any clarity, because he’s gonna have his part, and you’re gonna have your part. You both have your family upbringings, you both have your relationship background and history, sometimes we have trauma, or heartache, or different things that we are sensitive to, and it is challenging to tease that out.
I’d like to suggest that when the baggage is interfering, you already know the relationship dynamic isn’t working, and focusing on repairing the interactions, and the dynamics will give you a much better opportunity to save your relationship, heal your interactions, cultivate positive ways of relating, and ideally co-create a partnership that’s life-giving and nurturing and meaningful and authentic.
I would highly recommend getting some support to work through these areas that have been keeping you stuck, and build a path forward. At the very least, you’re gonna learn a lot about yourself that’s gonna prepare you for the type of relationship that you long for.
Again, I’ll quote Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks:
“The most fundamental thing we as humans can do to keep growing is to notice the truth and speak it.”
Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. It is important that we understand how secrets can destroy a relationship and learn how to overcome it to save your relationship.
Thank you for listening to today’s episode, 139 – How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship. If you’d like to gain access to the links that I’ve mentioned in today’s episode, visit DrJessicaHiggins.com click on Podcast, and you can find the most recent episodes at the top.
If you would like support in shifting your relationship dynamics, please feel free to reach out. You can find the ways to reach me on my Contact page, again, on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click Contact. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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