Topic: How to heal a painful relationship

ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain And Suffering

Return to Show Notes

Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

This podcast is 100% ad-free. To support this show, please subscribe and write a review today. Here is your host.

*   *   *

Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 141, How To Decrease Relationship Pain And Suffering. If you missed last week’s episode 140, How Pain And Suffering Increase And What To Do About It, I wanna invite you to listen to that  episode first, as it gives a very clear understanding and framework for what we’re talking about today… All of which is inspired by a TED talk video titled “The Value In Pain And The Pain In Value”, by Lode Dewulf.

In last week’s episode I talked about the idea that we in our life are confronted with pain. We all have to face pain in various ways: mentally, emotionally, physically, and how we deal with that pain has a big impact on the level of pain that we experience. Most of us would prefer to avoid the pain, and often work pretty hard at maintaining our protective strategies. Sometimes when we experience physical pain we turn to Tylenol, Advil, painkillers or substances – alcohol, sugar, various types of food that might give us that comforting, numbing out feeling.

When it comes to relationship, we all have protective strategies that we resort to when we feel scared, threatened, sad, insecure, and a lot of us aren’t even conscious of them, so part of this series (part I and part II) is in the effort of gaining awareness to the fact that when we are experiencing difficulty, conflict, disconnect with our significant other, more often than not we are feeling some level of pain that we haven’t actually connected with, we haven’t turned towards ourselves, turned inward to seek understanding around what’s going on internally and emotionally.

What we do unconsciously is we resort to these protective strategies that a lot of us have learned in our family upbringing and along the way, and those could be ways of shutting down, disengaging, denying, even perhaps deflecting it someone else, projecting it on someone else (“That’s not me…”). Or perhaps there’s this real desire to stay busy and in the flow and pushing forward and staying positive – this almost by-passing the pain. “No, I’m good, I’m good. Everything’s great!”, and just staying really busy and being a workaholic.

Other times we pursue, we go to anxious, kind of seeking out of our partner. We’re feeling perhaps insecure ourselves, but we’re seeking comfort in our partner, so we begin to zone in on them, focus on them, perhaps criticize, blame, attack. When we’re unconscious in the way that we’re trying to protect ourselves and deal with pain, we typically engage in destructive, ineffective ways of relating in relationship that will likely create a vicious cycle.

I talked a little bit about this last week, and I’m gonna go into more detail about the couple that I shared with you as an example to work through this process. In part one I also shared Lode Dewulf’s teaching tool, and how he believes that when we are not present and mindful in the current moment, that when we are anticipating future events, qualifying whether or not we think we’ll like them, or whether or not we think we will dislike them, and also how we remember the past with the like and dislike, that we add layers of additional pain.

How this relates to relationship is that when we are tracking one another, especially if we’ve been together for a period of time, in a nanosecond we can look at our partner, look at their non-verbals, their body posture, their facial expression, perhaps read their energy a little bit, and we are seeing where they’re at and we’re mapping them. So when they’re not in a good mood perhaps, or they’re feeling grumpy, we’re gonna reference the times in the past that have been complicated when they’ve been in a bad mood. We might even think to ourselves, “Oh no, here we go again…” Or we might feel anxious, “Oh man, I remember when he was really upset before. I didn’t know how to deal with that, and it ended up being a huge blowout.” And when we get fearful, or we have resentment from the past, we’re not letting go of a previous disconnect or a previous upset, we’re still holding our partner responsible – this all compounds the current pain. We’re referencing the past, we’re anticipating the future, both of which are not happening in the moment, but our pain, our anger, our grief, our loss, our longing, all get added to the current pain.

So when we perceive that our partner perhaps might be in a bad mood, we might have some initial “Oh, I see that they’re upset.” And even as I say that, I can tell how quickly the mind interjects. “Oh, I was hoping to actually have a great evening tonight.” So there’s this longing, and we’re already feeling a letdown of the idea that we’re not gonna get what we want. But we don’t actually know if they’re available or if they’re gonna be able to connect… Or very quickly the mind will go to fear. “Oh no, I wonder if I’m not gonna say the right thing or do the right thing and they’re gonna get even more upset.”

Lode Dewulf in his TED talk encourages us to use mindfulness as a resource in being able to be present with the current pain. I’m gonna talk a lot more about that today and how that fits with relationship difficulties. Before we get started in today’s episode 141, How To Decrease Relationship Pain And Suffering, I’d love to just take a moment with you to pause, and to really just collective – all of us listening, myself sharing, that we are on this path of investing in the quality of our relationship, setting our relationship up for success, so that we can be more effective, skillful, mindful or all the things that are involved that are really tripwires that will get us blocked and stuck if we’re not awake.

When we are awake, it provides a tremendous opportunity to develop ourselves interpersonally, and also to cultivate profound levels of intimacy, joy and connection with our significant other, really on a long-lasting path of connected, happy, loving partnership. Most of us have not been exposed to these principles, and my desire is to help you feel better prepared, more well-equipped in navigating the path of long-term intimacy.

To do that, I offer you this show, the Empowered Relationship Podcast, where I answer your questions, I meet with listeners live, providing live laser coaching. I also interview other relationship experts in the field, and I bring to you topics that I see relevant from my sessions with couples, from my research, education, training and experience… Again, designed to support you on this path of doing relationship well.

To access today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find the Podcast section of the website, and you’ll find all the episodes there. Click on whatever episode you’re interested in getting more details about with the show notes, transcript, links mentioned, and if you’re interested in connecting with me and going deeper with some of these practices and principles, learning about coaching, programs that I have, feel free to contact me. You can reach me on my Contact page. Again, the website is DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Contact and you can find all of the ways to reach me there.

Let’s get started with today’s episode, as we have been talking about the protective strategies that we engage in… Create more pain and disconnect in relationship, but also create more suffering in general. Again, when we’re trying to resist or fight against the pain that we might feel physically even, that we tend to feel a sense of more suffering. That avoiding, resisting and fighting all contribute to this intensified pain and suffering. To illustrate how this fits with relationship pain, I brought to you in last week’s session a couple that I had been working with, who are engaged in the Connected Couple program and also supplemental coaching sessions.

When they first reached out, they described their dynamic reaching a point of tremendous pain… That there had been years of going through various cycles that have left them feeling so disconnected and alone, scared, in pain, and really doubtful about how to move forward in a way that is constructive and where they feel happy and feel close. She was the pursuer, he was the distancer. When he would shut down and disengage, in an attempt to feel safe and protected, she would get louder, more aggressive, to get his attention and to get him engaged. The more he shut down, the louder she would get. The cycle would escalate, and essentially, over time, the cumulative effect is it deteriorates the love, connection, trust and respect.

When they reached out to me, they were looking for help. They didn’t know how to move forward. I know how painful it can be to be living with your significant other and long to feel close, and feel so far away and so distant and disconnected.

In one of our first sessions I was helping them identify the pain that they each experience when they’re in conflict, helping them do a deeper dive internally, and really recommending for them to turn towards their pain and understand the vulnerability, the pain that they’re feeling in this situation… And this isn’t easy. Again, it often requires facing previous hurt, trauma, attachment needs that have not been met, that we long to have repaired and met.

They did wonderful work in session, being willing to turn inward, soften into the underlying layers, allowing me to guide them and coach them to a deeper level of understanding… And I do this with couples and I feel a tremendous amount of shift, and insight, and empathy, and self-compassion, and it’s remarkable. I’m often moved deeply at people’s ability to do this work and the transformational shift that occurs in the bond, in the connection, that ultimately creates repair, creates safety and allows for people to turn towards each other.

Even still, after a session like this, I have no idea where the couple will be when I meet them next. Even if I meet them weekly, so much happens in any given day, any given moment… So the couple will likely be in an entirely different place when I meet them next, which is fine. This is all part of the progressive practice process of learning these skills.

In this example, I met with them two weeks later. As I mentioned, they are in the Connected Couple program and are engaged in the curriculum and the process with that. So two weeks later, after one session of helping them turn towards their pain, they were able to shift their interactions in a powerful way, and I’m gonna share with you a little bit about it. And I share this with you as a source of what is possible… And even as they shared their transformational experience, they were well aware that this is gonna take iteration and practice to integrate, that it’s a learning curve, and that it’s likely to fumble and falter… Yet the real goal here is to practice and to become more competent.

In this second session they each shared the continuation of their process and how they were able to work with the insights gained in the first session. He described being willing to acknowledge the deep pain that he was attempting to soothe when he would shut down… And the connection to his upbringing, previous injury and trauma that he had tried to disconnect and disengage from, and that his willingness to turn towards that was illuminating for him.

He described “I had a blind spot and I was not willing to admit it, and now seeing all of these connection points and threads, it opens up a whole new possibility of living authentically, and that I can shed the old persona that left me confined and limited and isolated. That by meeting the pain directly, allows me to heal and be whole and complete, and again opens up this whole new world.

She described the ability to pause, and her inclination and her attempt to criticize or attack her husband… That she was willing to hold some space to reflect, “What am I feeling here?” And her courage to be with a profound level of sadness that is not comfortable for her to feel, but she said she allowed herself to cry and be with that sadness, that it also for had threads to past experiences and upbringing, of feeling not seen, not supported, abandoned, rejected, and for her to be present with her own sadness allowed her to soften enough to turn towards her husband in a more constructive manner, that allowed him to feel safe enough to be with her, to show up for her… And from there, able to feel more connected, feel more safety and intimacy. He had to be with his hurt, and she had to be with her sadness.

As I listen to them share their progress, they by all means said they had to work at this, that it wasn’t perfect, and that they’re still working at it… That they were able to have enough moments where they were able to touch into this and feel the shift, that it felt inspiring and motivating, and again, opened up a profound level of opportunity and intimacy. And when I asked them “What helped you do this? What helped you turn towards this pain?” and they remarked about the courage, and the bravery, and the humility… I think she said “It requires shedding the masks and the ideas of who you think you are.”

The husband remarked during this session that if felt almost as if they had been unconsciously actively protecting themselves and really unaware at the pain that was going on, almost as if they have a broken arm and they’re actively defending and pushing away, in the attempt to keep their arms safe… Like, “Don’t get near it, don’t touch it!” and this reactive kind of protective stance, but not even knowing that the arm is broken, right? Actively protecting against the pain, but not really being fully aware that that’s what you’re doing.

Even though what I was inviting them into required a level of effort and bravery, humility and willingness to try something new, the beginning shifts that they were feeling in themselves and together, they were remarking at how profound it was. The wife described when her husband was opening up to her, it is the very thing that she’s been longing for for years, and that the impact was amazing and powerful.

They described having a night together where they walked through a park, and they noted that they felt truly relaxed with one another, and that this may have been the first time ever that they felt their guard down, felt really open, and their nervous system relaxed and felt safe together… And that this allowed for the emotional intimacy that they’d both been yearning for, and that gave them a sense of confidence and belief in what is possible for them… And feeling their excitement and happiness of finding each other, really being able to plug in with one another and connect.

In Lode Dewulf’s TED talk, The Value Of Pain, And The Pain In Value, he encourages the practice of mindfulness, as it helps regulate the nervous system so that we can get calm and clear-headed.

It’s difficult to be able to have a perspective, turn inward and really connect with what’s going on when we are triggered. When we are in the highly reactive state, the fight, flight or freeze state, we do not think clearly; we’re prone to doing things and saying things that we would regret, and it’s almost impossible to be constructive.

In Lode’s talk, he references chronic pain in his right foot, and that for him the real key to equanimity was mindfulness, which he defines as the mental state which is achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations.

When we come to terms with the fact that our protective strategies and avoidant tendencies do not work, we are much more primed to be open to the practice of mindfulness, which in some ways is being present with what is, being with what is.

A common analogy is waves of the ocean, that if we are fighting against the current and the waves, we might be tossed around and sucked under from the undertoe, and really be exhausted from trying to stay afloat. However, when we can work with the waves, ride the waves, we get to a place of buoyancy, equanimity.

Lode references the very rigorous scientific research that shows that mindfulness quite consistently and significantly alleviates suffering across a wide range of medical conditions. He gave one example of mindfulness training with women with breast cancer that helped decrease their anxiety, depression, and the fear of reoccurrence, as well as their fatigue, while at the same time improving their emotional well-being, physical functioning, and their overall physical health… And that’s just literally to name one example.

In Lode’s talk, he shares that learning to be present and learning to be mindful is a process, and that every learning process has some level of pain involved. There’s a learning curve. One teaching tool that he uses is four stages of learning, and that in each stage will involve some level of pain. I encourage you to watch the TED talk video if you haven’t already, but for the sake of this episode I’m gonna briefly describe the four stages.

The first stage is unaware and incompetent. The couple that I described to you for a very long while was experiencing a high degree of conflict, and they were incompetent in how to resolve that conflict. They were also unaware at their own level of pain and what was all involved for themselves, as well as how they were responding to one another, and that could be deemed as unaware and incompetent. And again, Lode describes that every learning process starts at this first stage. He talks about when we are unaware, we’re fine. When we become aware, it’s painful.

One of the reasons why we struggle with feedback, when somebody gives us input around how we might be doing things incorrectly or could improve our behavior. He gave examples of getting into a car for the first time, or being in a foreign city and can’t ask for directions in the local language. And I would add when we are in relationship conflict, the power struggle stage.

Now, as a side note, I wanna remind you in last week’s episode I provided you the opportunity to download in the show notes section a free relationship guide that’s a visual and a description of the five stages of intimacy. The second stage is the power struggle stage – that is where we recognize our differences and feel the conflict. Prior to this stage is the romance stage, and that is where we idealize and we fantasize about how positive and amazing the fit is, and possibly overlooking some of the differences… And that’s a good thing – it helps us bond, it helps us connect and see real possibility for partnership, but it’s not the whole picture.

If you’d like to gain access to that relationship guide that gives a visual, as well as description of each of the five stages, as well as the characteristics and the key learnings needed to develop to the next stage, you can find the link on today’s show notes. Again, that can be found on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com. Today’s episode is 141, How To Decrease Relationship Pain And Suffering.

Going back to Lode’s four stages of learning, the process of any acquisition of skill and competency. The first stage is unaware and incompetent, and the transition point of becoming aware – it requires insight, and that insight is often painful. So the couple that I was describing to you, in session I was helping them gain insight into their personal approach, their interpersonal experience, as well as their relationship dynamic and the patterns that they engage in. And that insight was not comfortable, it wasn’t necessarily pleasurable. The long-term benefit of it was tremendous, but it did require some level of effort and some level of pain.

The second stage that Lode shares with us about the learning process is aware and incompetent. This is where we have the insight of what we need to do, but we’re not yet competent. This is where in order to get to competency, we need a level of training. Lode shares “Training is what takes us to the next level. It essentially bridges the gap between incompetence and competence. With effort (sometimes painful effort), time and good teachers, we can slowly begin to acquire the new skill”, says Lode.

So training in his teaching tool – and I’ll include the slide in today’s show notes, and if you watch the video you can see it as well… Training is the bridge, as I just mentioned, and it’s in red, and that is that there’s associated pain with that. If you can think about any time you’ve tried to acquire a new skill – learning to drive, learning to ride a bike, it’s not easy; it feels foreign, uncomfortable, there’s so many things to pay attention to… Or if you’ve tried to learn a new language – it’s difficult. Similarly, when we are learning to navigate difficult topics, conflictual areas in our relationship, many times when people get the insight as to what is complicating these conflict areas, they almost expect that they’re supposed to be able to now be competent in being able to navigate these hot topic areas skillfully, when in actual reality we might have the awareness, but we are not yet competent, so there’s a level of training involved. That’s where the instruction, the coaching can be really helpful, because we have the desire, we just don’t have the skill developed, and we wanna get that coaching.

I’ve shared with many of you in previous podcasts that I’m an avid beach volleyball player. Now, I play very recreationally, I don’t play in any high-level competition; I feel like I play competitive at my level, but nowhere near high, high-level… But I remember when my husband and I moved to Boulder, I felt like I was a decent volleyball player, but I didn’t know exactly why I was doing what I was doing, and I don’t know that I had the fundamentals actually down.

I learned very recreationally, just pick up games that were rather scrappy… So I learned to play, but I didn’t learn the fundamentals. So I worked with an individual coach for I would say a year and a half every week, and I remember saying to him at one point, “Okay, break this down for me. It sometimes works for me and then it sometimes doesn’t work for me, and I don’t entirely know why.” And so he helped really break down the mechanics. He was giving me the coaching and the instruction to try to accomplish these volleyball tasks or these maneuvers.

Lode says after a while, with sustained effort, we can actually become quite good at whatever we’re trying to accomplish, as long as we keep our mind focused on the task. Therefore, the third stage is aware and competent. This is where we can perform the task, and it takes a level of sustained concentration and attention. This is a relatively new driver perhaps, who can drive competently but it still putting a tremendous amount of focus and attention on the act of driving and all of the things involved.

In all honesty, I feel that there are certain volleyball skills that I have gain competence in, and then there are others that I am still learning and I’m training in, so I think that if there’s a task that involves sub-tasks, that it’s possible to perhaps have competency in some of those tasks, and still be in training in other tasks, meaning you haven’t actually achieved competency.

Lode shares with us in order to get to the next and the last stage of learning, unaware and competent, we need a level of practice and iteration. This is where the skill becomes second-nature. I’m sure all of us have had at least one time if we’re frequent drivers and take a similar route day in and day out, and we arrive at our destination, be it home or at work, and we think “Oh my gosh, I don’t even really remember driving.” It’s just that autopilot. We’ve developed the skill to such competency that it does not require a lot of sustained effort and concentration.

Technology is another great example. It’s like learning a new language sometimes. If you get a new device or a new machine, like a laptop or a computer – and I don’t know if you recall remembering how to use it and how to operate it… Some are obviously more user-friendly than others, but still there’s a training involved, and then the practice, and then at some point we’ll use it like it’s an extension of ourselves and we don’t even think about it.

Lode in his talk says “All training is inherently painful. As you get better, the pain of learning will decrease.” When it comes to relationship learning, we also have these stages where we may be unaware and incompetent, and the insight can be painful. Then when we get the training, get the support, get the coaching, get the instruction, the training process can be painful, but it then allows us to develop the competency to practice, to become even more competent and have it be like second nature; it takes  a level of practice, repetition and iteration. This practice also might involve some level of discomfort and pain.

Overall, the goal is to learn, and with that learning and developed competency, and having it be second nature, it allows us to have so many benefits for whatever that skill is… And when we talk about relationship – man, the benefits are tremendous, and the costs are greatly when we choose to stay unaware and incompetent. This is one of the reasons why I was so inspired by this TED talk, is because I can see the profound impact in my own life and in my work with clients when people are willing to learn.

As a supplemental tool, I am sharing with you a roadmap – the relationship map of the developmental stages; I’ve shared with you you can download that on today’s show notes, which can be found on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find today’s show notes or last week’s show notes and find that link.

If you are interested in getting support, getting training on how to bridge the gap between being incompetent, or perhaps even unaware, and building the competency for relationship skill and development, feel free to reach out to me. I’d be happy to set up a call to talk about what might be a good fit for you in the way of coaching or programs, and really set you up for what the next step could be for you… And I’m even unattached whether or not it’s with me or some other resource, but I’m highly invested in your getting on path to developing competency, as I know the rewards are, as I said, tremendous.

Lode Dewulf says:

“Let us stop this obsession to avoid pain, and let us stop this illusion that life, learning and happiness can ever be without pain, because that awareness is the first step towards healing out of the pain.”

Thank you for spending this time with me, thank you for investing in the topic of relationship growth; it’s an honor and a privilege to share… And again, if you would like to access today’s show notes, you can find them on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast… Again, today’s episode is 141, How To Decrease Relationship Pain And Suffering.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. It is important to know how to heal a painful relationship and avoid more suffering for ourselves.

If you’d like to connect with me, my e-mail is [email protected]. Feel free to reach out, and I would love to hear from you. Until next time, I hope you take great care.

*   *   *

You’ve been listening to Empowered Relationship, your relationship guide. Remember to take a moment to write a review and subscribe today. You can also get your free relationship gift by visiting DrJessicaHiggins.com.

Return to Show Notes