Topic: Steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship
ERP 153: How To Repair a Breach Of Trust In Relationship
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship. This podcast is 100% ad-free. To support this show, please subscribe and write a review today. Here is your host. * * * Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 153, “How to repair a breach of trust in relationship.” In today’s episode I’m going to be answering a listener’s question and offering some tips to consider. Before we get started, I wanna invite all of us to center into the intention. Now, I talk about the intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, but I also wanna encourage you to connect with your intention for tuning in, for listening… And I’ll just talk about the intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast is to help prepare, help people to feel more well-equipped in navigating the terrain of long-lasting intimacy, knowing that a lot can come up in relationship that we might not expect and might be surprised by. So the dialog that happens on this show is to help give people a little more understanding of what typically will happen and often happens, but also to give you some sense of how not to feel so alone and also how to feel more skillful and mindful when navigating upset, challenge, insecurity, threat, and even some of the places that you’re having a hard time really absorbing and allowing yourself to experience higher levels of joy, love and intimacy. As I speak into the intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast in really helping us to all feel more mindful and skillful in relationship, and essentially improving ourselves as we improve our relationship, and as I speak into that, I also wanna encourage you to just touch in around what is important to you, why are you tuning in. If you can just take a deep breath in… And a deep breath out… And again, just reminding us all we are all on this path together. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been talking about this sense of togetherness, and in last week’s episode I prompted to hear from you if there’s ways that I might be able to support you along your journey in relationship. I’d love to hear from you whether or not you’re interested in a small group coaching opportunity, or wanna have access to a more private Facebook page, or if there’s other ways that you might feel more supported, rather than just the podcast. I’m interested in hearing from you. You can directly e-mail me at [email protected]. As I’m speaking about intention, it occurs to me that that would be also really helpful for me to know whether or not you wanna post on the Empowered Relationship Podcast Facebook page, or any of the other social media platforms – Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn… I would love to hear what your intention is, and if it feels private and it feel personal, but you feel willing to share with me, you can again directly e-mail me and I would love to hear from you. As I mentioned in last week’s episode, the main driver for me is to know that these episodes have impact, that they’re helping, that they make a difference, and hearing from you helps inspire me to continue to offer you more valuable content… So your input highly matters and I really appreciate it. For those of you that have been listening more consistently and listened to the episode about self-sabotage, and shining bright, I talked about upcoming episodes around partner envy, and also feeling competitive in relationship. Those episodes are still in the docket, I just wanted to get to this listener’s question, because she e-mailed me a couple weeks ago, and I just didn’t wanna delay that further… And I also have another interview coming up that I will be releasing very soon. So there’s just so much to share with you guys, and I’m grateful that there’s such abundance, and I also know that the sequence of it was a little different than I talked about, so just giving you a heads up around that. Okay, let’s get started with today’s episode. Again, today’s episode is 153, “How to repair a breach of trust in relationship.” This question comes from Jenny, a listener: “Thank you for the work you do on your podcast, it has helped me greatly in a hard relationship time. My fiancé and I were supposed to get married on June 28th. Three weeks before the wedding he met me at the courthouse to get our marriage certificate and told me that he couldn’t go through with it. This came as a complete shock, as our relationship had been healthy, with some minor disagreements during the planning phase of the wedding, but I had no doubts. We live in Minnesota, where he is from, and my whole family and my friends were scheduled to fly from Washington state to MN, which made this especially painful. We are in counseling now, and seeing if we can work this out, but I’m not sure if I can/want to get over this huge betrayal. Any advice you’d have on repair/healing relationship trauma of this nature would be so appreciated. He is here and wants to work on things, but I don’t know if I have the strength to get over it, or that I could ever truly trust him again.” Jenny, first of all, I am so sorry for your loss and disappointment and devastation. I can only imagine how heart-wrenching this has been, and I know it’s been a couple weeks, so I imagine you’re moving out of the intense shock and acute phase of heartbreak. If it would be helpful to you, I wanna encourage you to check out the episodes on grief – I believe I have two – and while they might not be exactly specific to this circumstance, I feel a lot can apply as far as your healing process, particularly as it relates to self-care, getting support, and just a lot of fundamentals around how to put one foot in front of the other in a time of crisis and trauma. I imagine that you have been overwhelmed with questions, wondering, doubts around “How did this happen? What did I not see?” and even just what your family and friends might be thinking, and just having to endure some embarrassment, maybe even humiliation of things not going forward as planned, and just really questioning, again, what do you do next, how do you move forward, should you trust him, is he the right person? And there’s just so much to really consider right now, and I appreciate your wanting to be intentional and really be healthy about what you’re doing in the next phase, of how you’re going to rebuild. The biggest piece that stands out for me is the priority of learning from this. The commitment to not engage in a repeat pattern of this, to not do the same thing again. A little over a week ago I was meeting with a client who was describing a recent trip she had taken. She is a couple months newly divorced, and this has been a long process for her to disengage and to find her clarity and her health and her process. This divorce and separation actually was a really healthy decision for her. Well, the trip was to go back to the area where she was with her ex and her ex’s mother, so her ex mother-in-law. Her ex mother-in-law went through an extremely significant surgery, and my client on her own dime, her own time, her own generosity had offered to still take care of her, to still really be the primary support person for over a week. She was describing how illuminating this trip was for her, as she interacted with her ex-husband, they had to run some errands together, and they had still really enjoyed being together in some respect, so it wasn’t that they had lost a sense of chemistry or connection, it was more around the way in which he handled his emotional world [00:10:05.01] would rage, would blame, would leave or attack, or was really volatile, and as she would describe it, very toxic. And what she said during this trip was is that it was this concentrated microcosm of all the patterns just so glaringly exhibited during this trip… So it was almost like undeniable, unmistakable, witnessing to the patterns being fully exhibited and revealed, and for her it was that extra evidence and extra observation that allowed her to really affirm and solidify — she talked about this kind of closing in and just really coming to a sense of coherency and concreteness that it was done, like over, over, over, over. She described being in this parking lot, and they’re approaching the gate and there was no attendant where you put your ticket in, and he was having issue and really taking gross offense to the fact that there wasn’t an attendant, and was like getting out of his car, making this big scene, and it was really dramatic… And she was aware of all the other cars behind them, and it was just this whole thing, and he was blaming and attacking, and she just was like “Whoa…” And it was just again, this demonstration for her that allowed her to be so crystal clear that she didn’t do anything, that this wasn’t something she deserved to be yelled at, or accused, or blamed, or attacked around, but this was his way of relating to the world, and that she was not interested in engaging in this dynamic anymore. For her, it was a sense of clarity that allowed her the freedom to really untether, to cut the cords of that relationship, and that she could feel a sense of peace and equanimity. Yes, there’s another layer of grief, for sure, but the decision was so clear to her. I shared this story because as we’re talking about how to heal from a breach of trust or a difficulty or trauma in relationship, often times we want to repair and we’re looking for healing, but nothing’s different. We engage in the same patterns, and the same dynamic plays out, and we repeat. As painful as it is to look at these interactions and these dynamics, I’m trying to emphasize the importance of learning, and I’m gonna talk a little bit more about how to do that in these suggestions. I realize a lot of this you may already be doing, and I just wanna encourage you to continue your process, and also wanna just applaud all of your work thus far. It is not easy, and all of this is so much easier to be said than done, so again, I just fully respect and regard your process and what you’re going through. Number one, take an honest look. Now, this isn’t about fault-finding or blaming yourself or even blaming him, it’s about really looking at the interactions, the facts, what happened, and how you guys interacted together, how you guys played your parts, and identify without judgment the dynamic, to the best of your ability. What this does is it depersonalizes it a little bit to look at “Okay, that kind of makes sense…” So with this listener, I followed up with her and asked her if she had any understanding around what was going on for him with his doubts, and in her follow-up e-mail I got more information as to their pattern, but less about what was really going on for him, and it sounded as though they engage in a distancer/pursuer dynamic, where possibly he is pulling away or withdrawing, and she’s seeking him or pursuing him. This is the type of thing that I think will give you more information, and that’s the thing that I wanna encourage you guys to work with – what’s going on in your each individual experience that’s prompting you to impulse to these particular dynamics. So it’s the dynamic that’s more of the difficulty and the problem, rather than what you’re actually feeling and what you’re experiencing… Because that’s workable, but if you’re actually not dealing with what’s going on, then that’s where it gets super-complicated and messy. I realize looking at the relationship dynamic takes two people, and you did mention you’re getting some support, so I’m hoping some of that is being revealed in your sessions together… And that’s where you’re gonna feel a shift, and it’s gonna feel different, in that that might allow you to have a new ground to stand on and start moving forward to build trust in a different way. It’s not gonna be what it was, but it will be something different, and I’m gonna talk a little bit more about that in a moment. But coming back to the honest look, the other thing that I would suggest is really doing a deep dive, self-inquiry, self-inventory of possibly how you played your part. Maybe this will take some contemplation and really considering some questions that you might be able to ask yourself, because it might not be apparent; it might be a little bit below your field of awareness. Essentially, what this is is identifying the blind spots. How have you been about communicating your desires, your expectations explicitly? Do you guys have that level of dialogue, or is it assumed? How do you guys negotiate your agreements? Does he come to the table with his preferences, his desires? How have you guys developed trust? I can’t tell you how many couples I work with that never did these things before getting married or before entering into a serious commitment of living together, having children together… These things aren’t just talked about; they kind of slide into it, and it just happens, it’s what you do so… So I’m really inviting a deeper level of intentionality and co-creation here. Okay, and as it relates to the pursuing, I guess I would encourage you looking at your part… Often times when we’re in that pursuing energy there’s something fueling that. I know for me before I would feel some level of anxiety around “I’ve gotta keep it moving forward” or “I’ve gotta keep it building, or it’s gonna atrophy.” But I think my process of trying to build it forward, I was losing my partner. I wanted him to actually be in it with me, creating it together, rather than him just following along. There’s all kinds of reasons why we avoid having these conversations or really looking deeply at what’s going on and taking an honest look. Sometimes we’re afraid of what we might learn, we’re afraid we’re not good enough… There’s all kinds of stuff happening underneath, so I really encourage you to kind of just check in around what your part has been as far as perpetuating a dynamic. I have shared my own personal story of relationship heartbreak and grief and loss in a significant way, that actually propelled me on my own deep journey and deep dive around my patterns, and ultimately set me on path to study this and then be of service to others. As you’re taking an honest look, the other thing that you may recognize in noticing your patterns that emerge and also the patterns that exist in the dynamic with your relationship, sometimes what people recognize is that the relationship wasn’t really serving them, or the dynamics weren’t what they were really wanting, and that it’s almost as if they were fighting what they didn’t wanna look at, or they were fighting what they didn’t wanna really acknowledge… And really, some of this honest look can actually save you from a really unhealthy dynamic long-term, an unhealthy marriage, perhaps, and this could then help shift the priority. I have a client that I’m working with who’s been dating and she’s just been struggling with some of the dynamics she’s experienced with a guy that she’s been dating, and instead of basically being connected to him as the goal, staying in relationship, I’ve really been encouraging her to think about what is ultimately in her highest good and what is of highest value for her, and really what she ultimately wants. So it changes the priority from being partnered or being in relationship to being in a type of relationship, or being in a type of the quality of relationship… Essentially, looking at “Okay, what we’re doing isn’t in alignment with what I really want.” Because what some people get stuck in is — and I don’t hear this, Jenny, in your question, but I know that many clients who are trying to establish long-term relationships sometimes feel that they have to settle… They feel like “Well, this is maybe as good as it’s gonna get” or “I don’t know that there’s anything better out there”, so they feel as though this is their only opportunity, which then keeps them in negative patterns, negative cycles. So really taking an honest look, and taking ownership really helps shift the priority, and I also get that that does take some belief around something else is available. The second suggestion that I would like to offer is find your ground. What I mean by this is when we’ve experienced a heartache, major loss, upset, it can be really disorienting which way is up, and feeling just that it shatters what you’ve known. The life as you’ve known it, what you were expecting and what you were preparing for has changed dramatically. And so it can be a little disorienting and it’s hard to really find your bearings… And so finding your ground – when I’m mentioning this, I get the sensation of just having your feet on the ground, feeling stable. Sometimes that means going slow. As I mentioned maybe referencing some of the suggestions around dealing with grief, but also just that sense of who you are and finding your own strength, what you stand for, your values… Again, as I mentioned just a moment ago – what is of highest value and prioritizing that, and really being gentle with yourself in this process, because again, I realize what an upset and how uprooting this is. For some clients it is working with that fear or that negative belief around “Am I really worthy? I don’t know that I’m lovable.” I have a client that I’ve worked with, and he grew up in an experience where he didn’t get a lot of positive affirmation, particularly with his peers; he also experienced a lot of bullying, and he really questioned his worth as it relates to connecting with others, and especially romantically. So he’s had to battle a lot of his self-doubt, and as I’ve been working with him, helping him really look at “Is that really true?” and helping him have different experiences to help him get some positive feedback, positive affirmation, and really start to self-affirm, recognize his strengths… He’s actually incredibly brilliant, and rightfully so – his Ph.D., a very high level in his career, and a really difficult industry, and he does high-level athletics… I’m trying not to be too descriptive just to honor his confidentiality, but on many aspects, he thrives, and he doesn’t have that self-perception of himself. So really working that and helping him recognize his strength… And we’ve even worked with the old story of the ugly duckling; there’s this idea that I don’t belong, and I don’t fit, and I’m ugly, and then really truly blossoming into something quite exquisite. So helping just that sense of “I do have worth, I am worthy.” In earlier podcasts I talk about the inner development, so the individual development in relationship, as well as the relationship development… And what I’ll say about this is that when we’re experiencing difficulty, a breach of trust, hardship, all that gets activated – it’s incredibly important to recognize what you’re feeling, what your experience is, what comes up for you, and being willing to be with that. In last week’s podcast episode I interviewed Dr. Margaret Paul, as she talks about her system of inner bonding. Now, her protocol for inner bonding is really similar to what we’ve talked about on this show already. I just like that she gives it in a very systematic format; if you’re interested, again, you can reference that episode. One of her steps is really just acknowledging what is there and how to be with that. It’s so incredibly important to not by-pass that, because ultimately what this does is it allows you to acknowledge what’s true, and then also how to help yourself, how to advocate for yourself, how to support yourself, and in Margaret Paul’s language, “take loving action.” As this relates to relationship development, when you’re experiencing an upset, a difficulty or a challenge as you’ve described, and you’re really wondering “Is there a way to build trust?” I would encourage checking out the series of podcast episodes I did on developing trust. This gives you an inside into typical ways that people establish trust, and often times we miss this step. We assume and we just move forward and give our partner the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes we don’t actually flesh this out, unpack it and really get solidified around what we’re committing to and both being engaged in that. It sounds like your fiancée had some question or doubt, and he wasn’t certain how to approach you around it, and he distanced. Some of this may have been a little unclear, I’m not sure, but this is where it could be helpful to revisit what are the ways of building trust, and did we miss a step, did we not do some of this? Would it be helpful to go back and revisit? Could we reestablish some of that? Another good tool to perhaps reference if it resonates is the book called Attached. This discusses attachment theory as it relates to dating and partnering and forming long-term relationship. Sometimes we get into these distancer/pursuer dynamics and there’s a lot of attachment stuff going on that we’re not aware of. So it could be particularly helpful to recognize what your attachment style is, what your fiancée’s attachment style is, and what might be getting activated that you guys haven’t been fully aware of, and is there an opportunity to look at that and work with that more directly. Or perhaps maybe if you’re considering this isn’t the right person for you, for you to recognize your tendencies and also who you’re ultimately wanting to attract. I do think this would be helpful for you to consider what’s actually possible… Again, getting a better roadmap in your mind around healthy relationship, both as it relates to how to build trust, but also what the dynamics of relationship as it relates to attachment that I believe affects everything – how we think, feel, experience in our body, relational dynamics. So I think attachment is so important to address and kind of consider. Finally, what I’ll say here is that if you can get some ideas to work with that give you some scaffolding around what steps to take, what relationship looks like in the way of what you want to cultivate, as it connects to your values, building healthy relationship, building trust, that you can start to believe in something, know that it’s possible, and actually have some faith in. Because right now, if you’re feeling like what you were believing in was basically crushed right before you, it’s shattered and you’re like “I don’t know what to believe in anymore” – this could give you some support around what it is that you’re striving for and aiming for. I know for me, when I went through my relationship hardship that set me on a path of healthy relationship and practicing these principles was in fact doing some major inner diving, so both the inner work, as well as the understanding around what relationship principles are and how to develop them, and really started to practice them and take responsibility for integrating them into my life… But it also gave me the hope and that I could recognize what’s a not it, and I could really clearly recognize what was it. The third suggestion I have is to focus on your part. As much as you might want to be wrapped up in trying to analyze him, what did he do, what did he not do, and what his issues are, you can’t do the work for him; you can’t control him, you can’t entice him… You can try, but even if you were successful in getting him to engage in the way that you want him to, you probably won’t fully trust him anyway, because it will be because of your efforts. Ideally, you wanna allow him to be responsible and take ownership for his experience, and I particularly like that you guys are working with a support person in the way of a counselor, because that will help create safety, help there be some space to facilitate his process, and you don’t have to be responsible for it, because I just think it’s a whole setup if you’re the one coaching him, trying to help him and trying to solicit, because he’s gonna maybe resent you for it; even if it’s true for him, he might not be able to take ownership of it. It’s not like him coming towards you, and that he can feel his own manhood and ownership in choosing you, and really having ownership. I think it’s important to create some space, even as difficult as it might be to tolerate the discomfort of the unknown, and his disengagement. I think it’s one of the more painful things that I’ve had to endure in my experience of being with that unknown. I think I’ve said in previous episodes, my practice and me being committed to these healthy practices in the way of relationship and not seek him – because historically, I’ve been more of the pursuer as well – and be with that unknown, I had to face my fear that he wasn’t interested, or he wasn’t engaged, or didn’t want to be partnered… This was obviously in the very early stages, and it required me to face some real pre-emptive grief and potential loss, and fear, and it challenged me to accept what was. At the same time, it gave opportunity for him to lean in, for him to choose in, and I could feel him engaging… And then we would proceed. The truth is, if you don’t do the work for him and you tolerate some of the discomfort of not seeking him out, and allow for opportunity for him to lean in and step towards you, if he doesn’t do that, then you have good information, and then you work with that. Depending on where you’re at and what you’re feeling now, it could be helpful to consider checking out the episodes about forgiveness, particularly the episode with Dr. Fred Luskin, but there’s also a couple others that I did on forgiveness much earlier. Why I reference this is I do think there’s something really powerful about accepting. For whatever reason, your fiancée was having trouble to engage. Now, again, given that you’re getting some support, you can find out what was his challenge – was it his own fears, was it him being scared of being inadequate, or not good enough, or perhaps that things you guys were doing, was that fully what he was wanting? I’m not sure, but that’s the inquiry process. But the act of him not engaging, and your accepting that – that can be powerful for you and for him. It allows him to be with his behavior, and the result of that. He’s much more likely gonna be responsible for his behavior when you’re not trying to facilitate it along. The other thing is if you’re accepting what is, it’s gonna help you get out of the trap of being hopeful about potential. So many people get stuck around “Well, I feel the potential” or “I see this in him, and I know that it’ll blossom”, but we don’t always know that. He could choose to never do that work. So for you to do right by yourself, and what he’s demonstrating right now and accepting that – is that what you’re wanting? Is it in alignment with what you’re wanting to cultivate? I know these are difficult questions, and I think that it gets into this place of real, honest, authentic ownership around what is really happening and what are we doing together. Lastly, the fourth suggestion I have to offer is be available for something greater. Now, this has been so helpful for me, and I’ve recognized it with so many other clients when they’ve been in a process of discernment around unhealthy dynamics and healthy dynamics, and what to invest in and how to pursue relationship. So often we want to pursue out of the feeling of love. We’re hopeful and we feel that love will conquer all… And I wish that were true in so many ways. And we’re human, and we’re growing, and we have had experiences and trauma and pain that we carry with us, and so it gets complicated. When you’re looking at the complications in the relationship and what wasn’t healthy, and as you’re asking this question around “I don’t know if I can trust. I don’t wanna do this again. I don’t wanna be in this position again”, part of what I wanna encourage you to consider is really recognizing what that old dynamic felt like. So when you interact with him or you guys have the potential to engage again – does it feel different? Do you feel different? Does he feel different? Is there a different energy, a different quality, is there a different approach in which you are relating to one another? Now, I think this is huge, because most often we’re gonna get stuck in the habitual patterns, and what I have found and as I mentioned the story with a client in the earlier part of this episode, where she went back and saw the whole thing play out really quickly, and it was so clear to her and it was so helpful for her to get closure… And I see this over and over and over again, where people will see the same patterns play out… So I tell people, I’m like, look — I’m not a big of fan of like “This is a decision that will make or break your life.” I don’t actually believe that. I just think it’s another opportunity. So if you engage in the old dynamic, you’re probably gonna experience the same thing over again, and you’ll have another opportunity to try again and do differently. And if you’re in a discernment around “Is he gonna be able to show up differently?”, I would ask you to really recognize and be honest “Does it feel different? Is he approaching you differently? Does his energy feel different?” And if it doesn’t feel different, it’s likely not different. I was just meeting with a client earlier this week, and she was talking about her dynamic dating, and feeling like she had another opportunity to hang out with a gentleman that she had been dating that didn’t really go well, and she was like “I know it probably won’t go well, but I really wanna connect with him. We have great sex, and it’s just lovely, and we really enjoy each other”, and typically it goes awry and we end up having a really difficult time. So I was talking with her and really trying to understand what she was investing in, and we were talking about like going to Vegas and betting on the house; the statistics of that working out are pretty unlikely, so recognizing her patterns around where she gets sucked into that, and she’s got a whole thing around what she experienced when she was young, feeling as though she has to earn the feeling of feeling loved, and prove her worthiness… So it’s this tricky slippery slope of feeling like “I’ve got to make this work”, and she’s attracted to that. So we’re really trying to do some work around helping her see a different dynamic, believe that that different dynamic can bring her a different experience, and how to engage in that and help her feel that her needs are getting met. The encouragement here is to not engage in the old dynamic. If you remember the story I was talking about with the client, and going back to help her ex mother-in-law, and seeing everything play out – she was able to have a sense of perspective, and she didn’t engage in her old patterns. Her old patterns would have been “What did I do?”, really looking at “Oh my goodness, how did I offend him? What did I do to contribute to this? How was this my fault? How can I help?” and she didn’t get sucked into that. She recognized “It’s not about me”, and often times, more often, I would say 99.9% it’s not about you; yes, there’s something that you did that might have activated somebody’s reaction, but their reaction is theirs. It’s not you. So him distancing, him doubting, him questioning, him going back on what he said, and I don’t know what’s presenting now, but that’s his pattern, that’s his reaction. And again, if there’s space to explore that, and how to do it differently, and how to build safety, build trust… It sounds like you’re discerning, “Do I wanna do that?”, but I would really encourage that it’s something different. To recap the suggestions I’m offering in today’s episode:
- Take an honest look.
- Find your ground.
- Focus on your part.
- Be available for something greater.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s episode. Again, if you have feedback or wanna e-mail me your intention when you listen to this show, I would love to hear from you. You can e-mail me directly at [email protected]. Until next time, I hope you take great care. * * * You’ve been listening to Empowered Relationship, your relationship guide. Remember to take a moment to write a review and subscribe today. You can also get your free relationship gift by visiting DrJessicaHiggins.com.
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