ERP 163: What to do when you question “Is my partner really with me?”
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 163, “What to do when you question “Is my partner really with me?” We’re gonna be looking at the confusion or the concern that might come about if you’re questioning your partner’s commitment, engagement and investment.
I am responding to a few different listeners’ questions today, so I’m hoping that some of the tips and tools that I have to offer you will help.
Before we get started, let’s just take a moment, if you will, and join me in centering into the intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, and that is for exploration and curiosity as we embark on these topics related to relationship, that allow us to gain the result of having more intimacy, more connection, more togetherness, as well as feeling authentic, and alive, and passionate, and that that journey is sometimes complicated and confusing. We might look at the things that threaten us or bring pain and insecurity, like we’ll be talking about today.
We also address topics that help us expand our capacity for more joy, more love, more bond… And also sustaining the everyday consistency and stability and safety and security of relationship in a long-lasting commitment. As we do this, we improve the quality of our connection with our significant other and we grow ourselves.
If you’ve listened to my podcast before, you know that I do my very best to practice these principles, so I am with you. As we discuss these things, I sometimes reference my own experiences, my own stories, as well as referencing client stories, and the people that I support and work with in my work.
I believe intimacy and long-lasting partnership is one of the best ways to get a mirror to our deeper experience. Possibly no other place where we get that type of feedback, will we be confronted with our growing edges in such a deep, profound way… So I have the most regard and honor for your courage to even hop on and listen to this episode, and stay with me as we kind of journey through various relationship topics.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can find them on my website – that’s DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes listed there. The most recent one is at the top, and go ahead and click on that episode. Again, today’s episode is 163, “What to do when you question “Is my partner really with me?” There you’ll find links mentioned, and an overview of the topic, as well as a transcript.
Recently, I received a review on iTunes and I wanted to take a moment to share it with you. It’s titled “Life-changing podcast, five-star. These episodes have gotten me through the toughest days in my relationship, and helped me see things from a new, beautiful perspective. Thank you, Dr. Jessica Higgins. My friends and I listen to you and evolve into better versions of ourselves. I’ve listened to every single episode and can’t wait to hear more.”
Thank you so much. I don’t always comment, but your feedback means the world to me. I can’t see you, I can’t be with you, I can’t hear you, and when I produce these episodes I just give my very best, but it’s hard, because it’s not a relational feedback, where I get to see you, feel you and watch you as you’re hearing me, and kind of be able to respond to your queues… So when you give me feedback, it really does make a huge difference to me personally, as well as helps the show grow. I’ve been very organic in the producing of these episodes, and I would love to be able to help people access the show, so this does allow for more people to find the show, when you give a rating and a review. You can do that on iTunes, you can do that on Google Play… I don’t know if you can do it on Spotify, but I believe you can do it on Stitcher. So whatever your podcast player is, I encourage you to just take a moment – I imagine it will take a few minutes – and write a rating and review. Thank you.
I wanna give you a heads-up that partway through the audio you might start to hear a low machine hum. What that is is I was in a local studio, and they do have a recording room… However, they had their heater running the entire time, and it’s a large co-working space, so that was not ideal; I apologize for that. However, I did not want another delay in getting an episode to you.
The most recent episode that I recorded, an interview with Dr. Robert Navarra, on the topic of substance use in relationship, and how to navigate recovery, how to navigate questions around use, around marijuana, and alcohol – it was a great interview; I really feel like he has so much to offer and he’s actually gonna be providing a two-parter… So we’re re-recording that, and that was part of the delay in getting an episode to you.
Let’s get started with today’s episode. Again, as I mentioned, I’m responding to a few different listeners’ comments and questions, most notably about how to determine their partner’s behavior if it seems as though it’s either inconsistent or seems like it’s not showing up for the relationship. I do believe this topic is relevant, whether or not you’re in the exact same situation, but thematically, when we feel as though our partner isn’t with us, the anxiety that might produce, whether or not we are in a marriage, long-term commitment, or pre-marital and still deciding whether we’re in it for the long haul.
I’m gonna read two excerpts. The first excerpt, she’s talking about just the back-and-forth, chaos and confusion and feeling so stuck about whether or not her concern is really an indicator that her boyfriend isn’t fully committed and really with her, or if it’s about her insecurity and jealous feelings. She writes:
“I’m having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can’t seem to stop messaging his exes (two of them) he knows I am very uncomfortable with it, we’ve broken up a few times due to this. But I’m starting to think maybe I’m the issue and not him, and I don’t know what to do. We just recently got back together again and he is doing again, maybe it’s my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I’m stuck on “does he not care”, “does he just not love me” or “should I break up with him?”
The second listener’s question is similar in nature, although the circumstances are different, in that they’ve been together for many, many years… However, she’s really still grappling with his ability to prioritize them. He has children and they have complicated schedules, and she struggles to feel at times that he’s willing to put their relationship as a priority. She writes about an incident where they had had plans to get together, and they were discussing the day before… And he had learned earlier that he had been invited to a going-away party that same night that they had plans. She writes:
“…however, I didn’t learn about it until several hours later when he “suddenly remembered” and said that that was happening “tomorrow night.” When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, “I didn’t think of it.” First, I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I’ve explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect “us” or our time together.
Second, I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something, given the fact that we hadn’t really been spending much time together as of late, and it sounded like he was planning on going to this going away party. I felt like he wasn’t making us a priority. He then made it worse by saying that he didn’t choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party that it was okay, when in reality, either way, he wasn’t choosing us.”
This listener talked also about feeling uncertain about whether or not she should be with him, and breaking up, and the real distress around that.
First of all, I want to acknowledge what a sensitive, confusing time it can be when you’re in relationship, possibly not committed in the sense of long-lasting partnership in the way of marriage or life-long partnership. That type of commitment can usually offer a level of intention and investment that is really often supported for people. So when you’re not in that realm and there’s still some uncertainty around “Are we in it for the long haul?”, we can read each other’s behavior, and there can be a lot of things going on… So today I’m gonna try to give you some tips to help navigate that, because there can be many things at play, but I just wanted to first off say how sensitive and vulnerable this time can be. “Are you going to choose me? Are you really with me?”
I also wanna note, obviously, there’s really no way for me to directly answer this question. I can’t tell you whether your partner is with you or not, especially never having had a chance to meet with your significant other… And even then, it would just be my assessment, and it’s not a predictor, it’s not a reality predictor. But I can give some tips around how to navigate this sometimes ambiguous territory, when you’re partner’s giving you signals that are turning away, what can you do.
The way that I’m going to offer you some tips, support and feedback today is by the way of questions for you. These questions may seem as though I’m putting the onus and the responsibility on you, and I’m not; I really do believe that both partners participate in the interaction and are equally responsible for the shared relationship that they’re creating together… And if you’re asking me as an individual what can you do to address this uncertainty, then I’m going to ask you to consider these questions.
I also think that if you really sit with these questions and explore these questions, it will set you up for getting really good information, that will help you make this decision in a much more informed way.
1) Is your partner conflict-avoidant?
If your partner has the tendency to turn away, it can be difficult to know if this turning away is because a lack of interest, a lack of commitment, a lack of desire, a lack of real engagement? Or does your significant other struggle with feeling comfortable and safe addressing a concern? Perhaps they haven’t known to feel emotionally safe in these types of conflictual conversations. Perhaps in their life they’ve known a lot of upset, or pain, or haven’t felt understood, or seen, and so that idea of entering into that type of dialogue does not feel compelling, it doesn’t feel comfortable or safe.
Again, the behavior of turning away, or even at times dismissing the value of the relationship can look very similar, whether or not that lack of engagement, lack of commitment, or that conflict-avoidant strategy.
One of the ways to perhaps address this with your significant other is to really probe in a real curious, gentle, seeking to understand way. “Do you know what helps you feel safe?” Simply asking that question. Many people when I pose that idea, they tell me “Wow, I’ve never thought about that before, simply asking my partner “How do you feel safe when we address conflict? ” or “What helps you feel more emotionally comfortable or safe when discussing a real tense, hot topic?”
If you haven’t asked the question, it might a good idea to simply probe, to simply ask, in a more calm, gentle way. You might get some really great answers, that perhaps you haven’t known before.
Often times when we are engaged in a heated conversation, we will be in a reactive state, and what we will tend to show or reveal to someone is our more reactive emotions, like anger, frustration, blame, criticism, distancing, shutting down – those types of things. And what is really helpful – and this often comes from doing some support work with either a coach, a therapist or even a program that helps facilitate this type of deepening in understanding. I just got done facilitating the course “Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication”, and we did really do a deep dive around this, and it was really helpful for people to recognize what was going on underneath the criticism.
A couple client examples come to mind where I’ve been able to witness this illumination, if you will, where one partner recognizes that there’s more going on underneath. A couple that I’ve been working with where she tends to resort to anger and frustration in conflict. And he reacts to that anger and he takes issue with it, and he interprets it in a particular way, mostly that his needs don’t count as much, his perspective doesn’t count as much, and that he feels as though she doesn’t really care when push comes to shove around what his need is in that instance… So his perception is that he’s angry, that’s what he can visibly see. Through our work, being able to help her reveal and get connected with the pain that’s underneath.
Now, I remember one session I was really working with her and it sounded like “Oh, so when you’re angry, it sounds like what you’re really feeling is a lot of hurt.” She’s like, “Yes, that’s true!” And I remember at one point turning to him and saying, “What would that be like, to consider that when she’s angry, she’s actually really hurting?” Anyway, less about their process, but it was really eye-opening for him to get to see “Oh, she’s in a lot of pain, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s showing me anger…” No, that’s not his job to interpret and do all that work for her to be able to identify “Oh, you’re hurting”, but just the awareness that perhaps there was more going on than just the surface anger.
The other client that comes to mind is a couple that I have been working with, and this is a classic dynamic, perhaps, that he distances; he shuts down, he tries to lessen the intensity, and she often feels as though he’s minimizing her experience, shutting her down, doesn’t wanna hear her emotion… And it was, again, another eye-opening session where she got to see that “Oh, he’s actually scared when he’s turning away” or “He’s distancing, because this is uncomfortable for him. It brings up a lot of pain, based on what he’s known in his life” and that “Oh wow, maybe he does wanna hear me”, and I got to facilitate that conversation where he was able to say “Yes, I really do wanna hear what you’re saying, I just have a really hard time hearing you at that volume.”
And it was really, really helpful for both of these couples to recognize that there was something softer, more vulnerable going on underneath what was visible or on the surface, and that’s more of the reaction.
As I mentioned earlier, that if you’re in the pre-marital or pre-bigger-commitment phase, this discernment can be that much more anxiety-provoking, because you don’t have a bigger commitment to fall back on, knowing that “We have committed to this for the long haul.” But I will say even couples that are married, that have this deeper level of commitment, these types of anxieties still occur; it’s not as though it eliminates that for married couples. It just may not be as complicated in the fact that there’s the extra layer of ambiguity about “Are we going to be in this for the long haul?” So if you are in the pre-marital, pre-bigger-commitment phase, you perhaps maybe want to gather more information.
It’s human nature to fill in the blank when we don’t have enough information. We do our best to get through the world and navigate a lot of uncertainty and ambiguity, and so it’s really important for us to be able to have that skill to make fast judgments, to be able to categorize and to make decisions quickly… But what that also means is that we will tend to project based on our meaning-making, based on our perception and our assessment of things.
Where this gets difficult is in relationship… If we’re filling in the blank without checking it out with our partner — again, this can be based on our own outlook, and informed by our fears and anxieties and understanding about relationships. So if we haven’t known security or we haven’t known commitment, then it might be more likely for us to feel more anxious or agitated when the commitment behavior isn’t as visible.
By shifting the focus to creating more safety with your significant other, you are prioritizing the more important concern, and that is the ability to be together, to be present, to be engaged. If you don’t have connection, then you don’t have engagement. So if your partner is turning away, it’s really difficult to feel bonded. If it isn’t safety that’s the issue, and you’re doing your very best to create safety, then you’re going to be able to see other aspects more clearly.
For example, in the scenario with the husband distancing, and the wife on face value filling in the blank, interpreting that as “Oh, he doesn’t care about my emotion”, with this more creating safety, he feels more comfortable, more able to engage; then she can feel his care, she can feel his interest in her emotional experience.
Now, if safety is created and he does engage to some level, and then we query what makes that hard to really hear her, and if he’s like “Well, I’m kind of looking at the football game” or “I’m really more distracted by this”, or he’s got other reasons, then that’s gonna give you that information. And if there’s possibility in these two listeners’ questions that their significant other isn’t as committed, then that might become more visible, and that’s honestly what you’ll wanna know sooner rather than later, as these two listeners are describing how painful it is to be in this limbo back and forth, and this uncertainty – it can be crazy-making.
So while it may be painful to recognize your partner is not that invested, it sounds like it would be a much better option to know that and then proceed forward, giving yourself more of an opportunity to cultivate the type of relationship that you really long for. If you’re engaged with someone that doesn’t really want that, then that’s gonna hold you up in that pattern of back-and-forth.
2) Are you clear about your desires, wishes and longings?
Often times we may think we are being very clear, but if we look at it more closely, what we might be doing is we might be talking around the subject, we might be illustrating the subject, we might be even talking about the subject, all in the hopes that our partner will get the bigger picture.
I have a client who really does this, and his strategy is “If I explain it really clear, then you’ll get it.” And I actually have a lot of clients that fall into this category. I actually myself remember this being my tactic, very very strongly, before I started dating my now-husband, in previous relationships, where I was like “If only I could explain it more clearly, you would understand.” And I don’t know that I was actually standing in the real vulnerable “I would love…” or “I would like…” whatever it is that I was needing in those moments.
I have another client that does this in a different way – she really re-tells the story and the pain around it, and she really lives it almost, and it’s this narrative that’s very, very distressing and painful, and I think there’s a desire that “If I show you my pain — not only tell you, but if I show you my pain, then you’ll get it.” And I do think that there’s a lot of validity to this approach, that “If you feel my emotion, then you’ll empathetically respond”, but what can get tricky here is if we emphasize so much of the negativity in the retelling of the story, often times the partner listening will be feeling this mixed message, like “I want to lean in and I want to support and care about your pain, but I also have great difficulty in the way you’re articulating or describing me, or even characterizing me.” So there’s this need to protect, and then there’s also this desire to help, and it can be very confusing for the person listening. Or sometimes we may even complain or criticize, again, none of which help our partner really understand what we’re needing.
As an example for the two listeners – now, this is just a guess, but I’m gonna just throw this out there, and one might be for the first listener… “I want to feel confident that you are with me, that you are willing to protect us, that you’re willing to set boundaries for people that might try to engage with you in deeper levels that may not be honoring of our relationship. I wanna feel safe emotionally that you will protect us.”
Or for the second listener it might be “I miss you. I would love to have some time where we can really connect. I’d love a date night, just you and I.” And sometimes being really clear about these desires is vulnerable, so I wanna encourage that you get the support you need to get balanced, get clear on what those deeper needs are, but then also have the courage to reveal that and be crystal clear with your significant other.
3) Do you pursue?
If you notice you have a tendency to be more attentive to the connection with your significant other, possibly monitoring the interactions, the relational interactions, or even tracking your partner’s response at times. A client of mine would call this pursuing — actually, he’s on the other side of the pursuing, but it is more of that idea of “knocking at my door.” Like, “She’s always knocking at my door.” And this dynamic can be tricky, because for the more avoidant person, in the sense of the more avoidant tendencies of not engaging, we’ll often feel more focused on the pursuing behavior. They’re almost distracted by this knocking, that they don’t actually get a chance to feel as strongly what they’re experiencing. Often times, people who are managing their own internal world and don’t know how to turn towards someone else in a confident way – that’s the more avoidant type – will tend to resort to calming themselves, containing their own external world and really trying to get alone, so that they can get clear, get regulated.
Now, I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that, but there’s also the relational disconnect, and I have felt this in my own relationship with my husband – we’ve evolved this, and I just am so grateful that he’s now able to say “I’m feeling stressed at work, it’s nothing about us. I love you very much, and we’re good.” Like, if at all I’m hip to the fact that he’s not doing well, and I check in, I’m like “Hey, how’s it going? What are you experiencing right now?” and he will tell me something in that ballpark, and it’s like “Oh, okay. Got it.” I totally feel more at ease to let him just do his thing, and that I understand. Where if it’s something that’s about us, I’m gonna be a little bit more eager to want to address that. And again, we’ve worked our patterns enough where I definitely am mindful about the tendency to pursue, and I’ve really shifted that for myself.
The point I wanna address here in this question of “Do you pursue?” is just to recognize the intensity level of it, because I do think initiating and being attentive to your partner and really caring about the quality of the connection is all really beautiful. If you notice yourself feeling anxious, and reacting, and feeling more hyper-vigilant in that reactivity, I just wanna bring attention to that if your tendency is to pursue in that energy or that emotion, that might feel distracting for your partner, or they might actually react to the approach, rather than you. It’s more of their distancing as to the approach, rather than you as a person. So what ends up happening in this distancing and pursuing pattern is that both people are reacting, and it’s very difficult to connect.
One of the things that I will recommend in that regard is to slow down, really just try to settle, try to notice, try to watch. When we’re really impulsive, or again, that reactive, knee-jerk response, we’re often not thinking clearly, and if we’re emotionally triggered, that’s gonna be really difficult to think clearly… But one of the things that helps in thinking more clear is to calm down, is to slow down, maybe take in a couple deep breaths. This helps regulate the nervous system, so we can try to stay more balanced. Then if we slow down, we can also see more clearly, we can notice our own needs; I was saying at number two, knowing what you need, long for, desire – you might be able to check in with that.
There were times where if I’m moving really quickly in my life, or feeling really busy, I don’t always know what I’m feeling. I don’t even know what I want, and sometimes my husband will ask me “Hey, how are you doing? How are you feeling?” and there are times where I’m like “I don’t even know what to say.” I’m usually pretty connected, but there’s times where I might just pause and have to really ponder that, to answer him authentically.
So slowing down will help in getting connected with yourself, and slowing down will really help you observe your partner. Because if we slow down and we start to just notice our partner in a more relaxes way, we might notice a shift in them, that might even be non-verbal. There’s no words really exchanged, but if they start to feel more engaged or more present and possibly turning towards you, that can be a pretty good indicator that the pursuing nature feels uncomfortable… Because in the more slowed down, more relaxed state, they start engaging – that will show you that they are engaged and they are interested; it’s just part of that dynamic. It’s difficult for them, and really there’s no blame or shame here. These are different approaches to dealing with relationship, and there’s a reason why we’ve developed those approaches, so that’s not the point here, around whose strategy is right or better. They both have utility, and they both have developed for certain reasons.
In addition to slowing down, one of the things I like to encourage is thinking about the idea of playing metaphorical catch with your significant other, throwing the ball back and forth. If you’re pursuing, you might be throwing lots of balls towards them, and there’s all these balls around them and they haven’t thrown any back – that’s not necessarily the back-and-forth dynamic that feels good, that both people are engaged, both people are collaborating and co-creating for that game.
We also all have some sense of agency around how we might throw that ball – do we put some top-spin on it, or do we put back-spin on it? Do we curve-ball it, or do we throw slow, with an arch, or do we throw it fast? There’s a sense of self-expression in being able to throw the ball. Some of you might even be asking “Well, what if they don’t throw the ball back?” While you might not get a response from them right away, you can pick up a lot of information by just being with them, and really listening in a non-verbal way. As I mentioned a moment ago, that slowing down and just watching the non-verbal cues, their body language, their eye contact, their facial expressions.
My husband has taught me a lot about the value of slowing down and being in the non-verbal space, being able to sense, observe and feel. There’s a tremendous amount of feeling that can happen if we just tune into someone… Because what might be happening here is your partner is throwing a ball back, but perhaps it’s a different type of ball. And it can be a real gift to be able to receive these different types of messages. There have been times with my husband where I have really questioned him, like “Talk to me, communicate”, and he’s like “I am communicating with you, just not with words.”
On the Myers-Briggs personality test I am actually about 50/50 with the thinking and feeling scale. I love ideas, I love thoughts and concepts, I also really feel people deeply, and I think there’s an empathy in me that I’ve not only developed in my career, but also just for me personally, I think that I’m wired that way. For some couples that are a little more polarized in this regards, moving through the world through the feeling orientation, versus the other partner moving through the world in a more thinking orientation, this might be a little bit more difficult to bridge, in that they’re gonna have to work a little harder to understand each other’s perspective and their orientation and their outlook.
4) Do you react?
Do you at times blame or criticize, even attack, in the attempt to get your partner to engage? If so, you are likely and naturally feeling some level of threat. Your partner matters to you, but possibly you feel that disconnect and it’s scary. Are you with me? Do you still love me? Are we still connected?
This is a deeply vulnerable experience, to really love someone and to care for them deeply and to have chosen them to be your person, and if you feel some sense of uncertainty of whether or not they’re with you, that is extremely vulnerable, and it makes sense that it would be extremely vulnerable.
I wanna encourage you to check out the recent episode I published about anxiety, and possibly the episodes about vulnerability; that might also assist you here, where this might give you an opportunity to recognize the importance of regulating your nervous system, so you can get more balanced, and then perhaps even initiate a conversation with your significant other in a more calm, gentle way. That way, you can express your more vulnerable feeling, your vulnerable need, so that he/she can really hear it, rather than being distracted by the delivery… Because when we come on strong, we come in hot; our partner is gonna be much more focused on protecting themselves, defending themselves, rather than actually hearing your deeper message. I can’t emphasize that enough.
If you notice the critical and defensive patterns in your relationship, it might be even helpful to check out the one-page relationship guide on shifting criticism. I’ll post the button on today’s show notes. Again, that can be found on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com.
In today’s episode I have offered you four questions, and in the next episode I will offer you four more questions to contemplate when you’re possibly trying to answer the question of “Is my partner really with me?” The first question in today’s episode is “Is your partner conflict-avoidant?” and really talking about the importance of recognizing what helps cultivate safety in your conversations together.
Number two, “Are you clear about your desires, wishes and longings?” Number three, “Do you pursue, or do you have the pursuing tendency?” Number four, “Do you react? Do you sometimes blame, criticize or attack, in the attempt to get your partner to engage?”
I hope you have enjoyed today’s episode. Again, to access today’s show note, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and find episode 163, “What to do when you question “Is my partner really with me?” Again, stay tuned for the next episode, episode 164, on the same topic, part two.
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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