ERP 164: What To Do When You Question “Is My Partner Really With Me?” Part II
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship. This podcast is 100% ad-free. To support this show, please subscribe and write a review today. Here is your host.
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Hi. Thank you for joining in today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 164, What To Do When You Question, “Is My Partner Really With Me?” and this is Part Two. If you missed Episode 163, by the same title, Part One, I encourage you to check that out before listening to today’s episode, as I am offering you tips, tools, and considerations in the way of questions. In Episode 163, I offered the first four questions and in today’s episode, I’m going to be offering you four more questions.
Before we get started, I want to invite you to join with me in setting the intention for the Empowered Relationship Podcast. The intention is for us to explore, learn, and grow in the interest of increasing the quality of our relationship, whether or not that’s expanding the capacity for more happiness, intimacy, and connection, or whether or not that’s feeling more confidence in addressing conflicts and learning how to turn towards each other when things get tough, and how to feel that security and that safety in the bond.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can find them on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com. You can find today’s Episode 164, What to Do When You Question, “Is My Partner Really With Me?” as well as any of the other previously published podcasts, as well as articles and programs that might assist you in deepening in the practice and principles discussed on the Empowered Relationship.
Let’s do a quick recap of 163, What to Do When You Question, “Is My Partner Really with Me?” Part One. I read two listeners’ questions, both of which were feeling some level of confusion or concern about their partner’s commitment level, and engagement, and investment. One listener was describing her boyfriend texting his exes, and her challenge with that, and she was really questioning, “Is this my insecurity or is it that he’s just not that trustworthy?”
The second listener was describing feeling challenged about her significant other’s allocation of time towards their relationship. “Is he really for us?” as they make decisions together, as he brings topics to her so that they can really take care of their relationship and their connection.
I am responding to these listeners by posing questions to consider. The way these questions are framed are asking you to look at certain aspects of your relationship and the way that you operate. I had talked about in Episode 163 Part One that it may seem like I’m putting the responsibility on you if you’re asking the question around, “Is my partner really with me?” and, yes, for the record, it takes two people to co-create a relational dynamic. If one person shifts, it shifts the entire dynamic and both people are responsible for what they’re creating together. So I’m not putting the whole responsibility on one individual, but if one individual’s asking me, I am responding what you can do as an individual if you’re confronted with questioning your partner’s engagement, dedication, devotion and commitment.
In Part One, I offered four questions and in today’s episode, I will be offering you four more. But quickly, let me recap the first four.
Number one: Is your partner conflict-avoidant? I was talking about how it can be difficult to know the difference between someone who is turning away because they’re avoiding conflict and they’re feeling uncomfortable, perhaps unsafe, or if they’re turning away because they’re not that committed and they’re not that invested. It can look similar so I gave some examples, some stories, and some suggestions around that topic.
Number two: Are you clear about your desires, wishes and longings? Now, this sounds like a pretty simple, straightforward suggestion, that in relationship it can be helpful to be clear and transparent about your needs, longings and wishes. Well, what happens typically is we think we’re being clear but oftentimes we are beating around the bush, or we are talking around the topic, or we’re taking issue through the way of criticism and complaint. This does add a layer of complexity and confusion that distracts your partner from being able to really connect with your more vulnerable insecurity, fear, need, wish, and longing. Again, I encourage you to check out Episode 163 if you want to hear more about that.
Number three: Do you pursue? This is a behavior tendency when we feel a level of threat, uncertainty, maybe even insecurity, or are just really needing more reassurance, is to draw out, is to get reassurance by pursuing a topic, and maybe even seeking validation.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with this tactic or this tendency, because really underneath there’s a real genuine desire to feel that connection, to feel that safety, to feel that certainty and security; and the way we go about it if we’re anxious or we’re feeling somewhat threatened, and trying to seek that reassurance by the way of pursuing, particularly for someone who is conflict-avoidant or has more of that avoidant tendency to turn away – that actually might feel threatening to be pursued. So we discussed that, I talked about the importance of slowing down and really trying to pace and match your partner, listen in other ways, non-verbally, what are they showing you, what are their cues, and really, ideally striving for this back-and-forth metaphorical playing catch. You want to be able to have a mutual exchange, and sometimes that can be tricky.
The last question I discussed in Episode 163, number four: Do you react? Do you sometimes attack, blame, or criticize in the attempt to get your partner to engage? Again, this tendency – as Susan Johnson would call it a protest – taking issue with, “You’re not with me,” or, “You’re not making us a priority,” or, “You’re threatening our connection by engaging with other people.” There might be a lot of things that we might deem as problematic or threatening to the connection and we will protest against that in the way of perhaps criticizing, blaming, attacking, pursuing, various tendencies.
Just recognizing, again, without blame or shame, do you react? Do you feel threatened? Then, I gave some suggestions around how to manage that if in fact, you are feeling some level of reactivity.
Again, you should be feeling some level of reactivity if you feel like your partner’s not with you, or you’re feeling like he’s not being faithful, or you’re really questioning his commitment level. That would make perfect sense. The way you deal with it is really key.
Again, if you are interested in getting the show notes for this episode, you can find out on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com. Let’s get started with today’s four questions, again, addressing the concern of “Is my partner really with me?”
Number five: Do you have explicit agreements? Many couples are surprised at how important this is to come to really explicit and crystal-clear agreements together. I think this is in part true, because in early stages of relationship, which could be the first year to two or three years, there’s a sense of flow, harmony, connection that just seems effortless.
Often times, this stage has a heightened intensity and focus where partners are extremely attentive to each other, they’re absorbing each other really fully, and they’re just so bonded. This is largely fueled by the dopamine, the oxytocin, all of the neurochemicals that support this heightened state. What research tells us, is that this is not sustainable.
Physiologically, we cannot continue at that heightened state of arousal. When all those neurochemicals wear off, we can feel really confused as to why things are not harmonious and smooth, why your partner doesn’t get you like they used to, or why there’s more misunderstandings.
If you’re interested in the developmental process of relationship that looks at the five stages that every couple goes through, the first stage which I’m mentioning now, is the honeymoon stage, the romance phase. If you’re interested in learning about the next four stages, I encourage you to go to today’s show notes. Again, that’s 164 of What to Do When You Question, “Is My Partner Really With Me?” Part Two. There, you can find the download for a free relationship map. This is a visual that lays out the five stages, what we might encounter in each stage, what the potential pitfalls are, as well as what the goals of each stage are. That could be really, really helpful as a tool and as a guide as you conceptualize what the long-term landscape of intimacy entails.
As I’m suggesting, looking at how clear are you and your partner about agreements, you might even be wondering, “It’s not that realistic to get crystal-clear and spell everything out. That just seems so labor-intensive.” Yeah, it is labor-intensive, and I do not suggest that this type of communication happen for every little thing, but for the things that matter, or that have emotional charge, and particularly if you have looped and cycled around similar topics and themes, and have not felt as though you’ve made much progress… There might be a lot going on and I don’t know that explicit agreements are going to fully help, but I can say that there’s a great opportunity to flesh out assumptions, expectations, fears, and our me-making.
It’s really interesting to me I get to work with couples all the time, and for one person — I’ve used this example over and over again — if there is an argument where there’s a heated discussion and somebody wants to walk away, people can perceive the act of walking away in very different terms, and we typically have a different association with most things, ironically.
In a relationship, if you haven’t really fleshed some of that out, it can be really, really helpful to look at what is all going on there, particularly referencing the number two question, which is, “Do you share your needs, longings, desires as well as your fears?” Sometimes that’s the deeper layer that often is fueling everything or has that emotional charge, but if we don’t deal with it directly, we might be kind of spinning our wheels because of the real deeper issues not getting addressed.
The other thing that’s really true that I’ve mentioned is that in a relationship, we project. We are projecting our worldview, our perspective on a situation, and that might not actually be our partner’s worldview or their perception on that particular topic. So, this really is a breeding ground for our miscommunications. What could be helpful then on the frontend is talking through some of this more deeply.
As I have mentioned, oftentimes what is visible, what is on the surface, isn’t what’s going on underneath. So again, if your partner’s turning away, it might be that they’re scared or they don’t feel safe. It might also be that they feel inadequate, they don’t feel good enough, or they feel somewhat of a failure. It’s difficult to confront a difficult interaction because all of that intense emotion.
Their partner might observe them turning away and they may interpret that as they don’t care, when in fact perhaps they’re feeling afraid of disappointing, or it’s so painful to see that their partner’s upset with them that they turn away as a way to deal with that pain.
Another example would be, “My partner doesn’t initiate sex.” Perhaps you could interpret that as, “They don’t want me,” or, “They’re not interested,” but when in fact, it might be that they actually want to feel wanted. They don’t initiate because they want to be pursued. It helps them feel more secure if they have any level of insecurity about feeling rejected, or good enough, or those types of things.
This might all seem so complicated as you’re listening to me describe some of these aspects. Yes, there might be a lot of layers and things to consider, but there are some real simple guiding principles that will help you in navigating… Because at the end of the day, if we can really just slow down, there’s usually a very fundamental need and desire that is not that complicated. It’s how we deal with it, our reactions, our perceptions, our interpretation, and all of that stuff that gets super-tangled and complicated. “I said this because you said that and I did that because you did this.” We’re trying to track all the layers and that can lead us in endless loops and cycles.
So if you can focus on some of the bigger principles, that could be really helpful as you navigate this territory, slowing down, focusing on safety, clarity, vulnerability. I’m going to give you a few more in the next couple of topics.
Number six: Do you clear up miscommunications with your significant other? Many times, we struggle with this, because bringing up an issue can feel like a problem, and when things are going well, it’s probably the last thing that we want to do, is to bring up a topic of issue. Additionally, we’re often afraid that things are going to go poorly, or go off the rails, especially if we’ve had things not turn out well in the past or it’s led to even a bigger conflict, and that we didn’t get any resolution, and that we lack the confidence that we could actually address an issue productively and constructively.
Again, I want to reference the importance of getting regulated; if you notice you’re in that reactive state, to really be in a more balanced state, a calmer state, and then addressing things in a calm way as I talked about in Episode 163.
What I’m suggesting is challenging, and it’s challenging because I think it’s harder to bring up things when we’re calm. I think part of the purpose of anger is to fuel taking action to address the issue. It gives us that spark, especially when we feel like a boundary has been crossed or there’s some injustice. We get that boost and we want to take action.
However, if we’re not careful, anger can be used destructively, or it can be used in a constructive way. If you’re interested more about that topic, I encourage you to check out an episode that I did about anger and I’ll make sure to put the link on today’s show notes for your easy access. If you’re feeling a sense of anger, frustration, irritability, I want to encourage you to use that as a flag that alerts you, indicates to you that something matters. Instead of using that anger to go in and charge at your partner, I want to encourage you to use that anger to recognize, “This matters to me,” and use the anger to commit to addressing it with your partner. “I’m not going to let this go. This matters to me”, and commit to finding a time and addressing it with your significant other in a constructive way.
Again, some of us need support around how to do that, and if you’re interested in just getting an article that gives a little bit of a template of how to do this, you can access a communication exercise that I have on my website that I will, again, put on today’s show notes so that you have easy access to it as well.
Once we’ve achieved some sort of emotional balance and feeling like our nervous system is regulated, then we can set up the conversation more constructively, possibly using that template, and a few other suggestions I would offer. One is to use more of a gentle approach as you introduce a topic. I have a podcast about the value of gentleness, and again, I’ll put that link on today’s show notes as well.
The second thing I want to encourage is curiosity. If you’re using this more gentle, curious stance, it’s going to help support a more safe conversation, it’s going to be more inviting for your partner, and it’s going to allow them to open to you. If you come in hot and have issue with them and you want to blame them, they’re likely to shut down, get defensive, push back and be resistant, and they’re not going to want to work with you. It doesn’t feel cooperative. It doesn’t feel collaborative. So just the more relational skill of being in a relationship, feeling that care and that regard even though there’s an issue… “This doesn’t feel great. We’re both hurting, and we love each other, and we want to work this out. Our goal is to be stronger and have this resolved.” If we can remember that, then we can usually move forward in a more productive way.
When we feel emotionally threatened and feel insecure, and don’t feel safe, that’s when it’s much, much harder to achieve this type of more cooperative, collaborative stance. So again, I encourage you to get some support around that if you’re finding that’s a struggle for you.
A couple of things I want to say about the curiosity… Many times, people are at a loss around how to gather information, how to ask these questions. Genuinely, if you get into that more curious wonderment and really stay with it… Again, where we can get caught up is if our pace is too fast, we’re too heady, we’re too intellectual, we haven’t dropped into our body and into our heart, and really attending to the care of the relationship and of your partner. Because if we can genuinely feel that curiosity, then we can generate some of those questions around, “I wonder, if I were in that situation, I might be feeling that. Is that at all what’s going on for you?” But it’s really trying to understand. Again, it’s not just understanding the words that are being described or even to understand it intellectually. It’s a deeper level of understanding, like “I feel you. It makes sense. I get it. I feel your experience and I feel as though I understand it on a deeper level.”
For the first listener who is describing her concern about her boyfriend messaging his exes, one of the questions, “If I sit in that curious place, I wonder what does messaging his exes do for him? Can you tell me how that helps or what is valuable about that? What is that texting them allows you to feel? How is it helpful?”
For the second listener’s question about her significant other and their plans together, if I was sitting in that more curious place, I might just, first and foremost name, “I was operating on the assumption that we were going to go to the movies tomorrow,” or, “I was really hoping that we would spend time together, and I thought we talked about that but it sounds like you had a different understanding. Can you tell me about that?” or “Can you help me understand? I thought we had plans. What changed?” Again, less about grilling and trying to play detective around like, “What happened?” and, “What were you thinking?”, but more of, “I really want to understand. Something mattered to you or something happened for you and I want to understand your experience.”
Again, tone is key here. As you can even tell from the way that I am giving you examples, my tone really changed there and that sends a big message. So, if you’re angry, or you’re frustrated, or you’re annoyed, or insecure, all of those things are valid and it conveys a certain message, and your partner is probably going to pay more attention to your emotion than the actual framing of your question. So, if you’re really trying to be curious, I want to encourage you to get into the emotional state of curiosity. Generate an actual emotional curiosity and wonderment about your partner. That’s going to help them lean in and be open to sharing.
For the second listener, let’s say she’s probing and he doesn’t seem to be interested in spending time together. As I mentioned in question number one, the conflict-avoidant, and if you address the safety, you might get information that will reveal to you that perhaps they aren’t as interested, and that would be really good to know. It’d be very painful, but it would be good to know. Let’s just say I don’t think that this is what’s happening at all, but just for the argument’s sake, let’s say in this scenario he’s not that keen on going to the movies with her, or that interested in spending time together.
That might feel, again, really helpful, but if there’s a way to stay in curiosity and wonderment around, “Tell me more. Is there a reason why spending time together is hard right now?” or “Can you help me understand your hesitation?” This does allow for someone to feel like it’s okay and that they can be really honest and they can really reveal what’s true for them. That’s where the connection lies.
It’s not about getting your partner to go to the movies with you. If they’re not really fully in it, then it’s not going to be fulfilling. It’s not going to feel like a real connection. So whatever is authentic and genuine, that’s the thing you want to really try to understand and connect with, and then you have more information to work with.
A couple of other things I want to just briefly mention, without going into great detail… Sometimes there’s more going on for a person, so if we stay curious, we might actually access that information. Possibly, they’re feeling really stressed or overwhelmed, maybe anxious, maybe depressed, or sometimes people are working with being highly sensitive, and having to manage all of the different things they’re encountering. Or possibly they have ADHD or ADD, and all of these things impact someone’s experience.
Again, not to pathologize… Depression, anxiety, that can be a healthy, normal response. A highly sensitive person – that’s a characteristic and a trait. It’s not anything pathological or problematic. Again, we’re just trying to seek understanding about someone’s experience.
If you’re looking for more information on any of these topics, I have a lot of episodes I’ve already published around ADHD, the highly sensitive person – which is also the acronym HSP – stress, anxiety… And I have an episode coming up about depression and low mood.
Also, Melissa Orlov who, again, was a guest on my show, talking about the impacts of ADHD on couplehood, she’s got a course coming up, a live course. It’s an eight-session Rebuild Trust, Deal with Anger and Tap into Joy and Hope, A Seminar for Couples Impacted by ADHD. It starts March 26th, so if you’re interested in that, please check out today’s episode show notes and you’ll find the link for that there.
Number seven: Do you take care of yourself? If you do feel some level of threat or insecurity by your significant other’s behavior, how do you take care of yourself in that? Do you ignore it, do you suppress it, or do you push through it and act like it’s not there? I have to say, in my whole career, I have yet to meet someone that I have sat with, or listened to, or talked with, who has described their experience and their pain and I had the thought, “That makes no sense at all. I don’t get it.” It always makes sense.
I want to encourage that emotions alert you to things that matter for you. They’re really good flags, like I said, indicators that bring your attention to a particular area, topic, situation, and that there is meaning and significance there. As we’re talking about your partner, perhaps turning away or not seemingly that invested, that matters. You want to be with someone who is connected and who is with you, so it is important to address this and pay attention. The way you do it, the way you address it is so important to how you’re going to get information, how you’re going to be relating to your significant other, how they’re going to relate to you, and possibly, what comes from that.
If you want to know a little more around how to deal with pain and suffering – that might even be a new idea for you that you would want to deal with pain and suffering, but pain is a part of life and sometimes, we get stuck because we don’t want to deal with the pain. We’d rather numb it, avoid it, or perhaps we even shame it or judge it, and we feel bad about it. We don’t always know how to directly deal with it and be with it. So if you’ve noticed that’s a challenge for you, if you haven’t already, I want to encourage you to listen to the two episodes around how to deal with pain.
Maybe what you’re needing in this circumstance of wondering if your partner’s really with you is really seeking some level of reassurance, but again, doing that in a vulnerable, direct way. It’s curious to me… For the first listener, if she were to engage her significant other in a conversation around what that means for him, why he likes to text his exes and message them, like what’s in that for him, and if she’s able to acknowledge, is she feeling insecure? Does that feel like a threat that he’s texting his exes? Does it feel like jealousy?
If so, it might be helpful to consider, “If I had reassurance, if I felt secure with him, in our love and our bond in our relationship, would it make a difference?” For some people, it does. If they feel really secure, really safe, really bonded and connected with their loved one, they’re okay to some degree of their partner corresponding with an ex. Again, it might just be a good question to kind of wonder about if you’re questioning your level of insecurity – if you felt more secure, would you be okay with it?
I’m not sure what he’s doing when he’s messaging or what the content of that is or how frequent. That might be helpful to learn about, because it does lead to the next topic, which is boundaries, as far as how you take care of yourself. Do you have a boundary? Do you talk about that? That’s part of the agreement and the explicit, clear communication around what your boundaries are. Again, boundaries are not to control someone. Boundaries are where your comfort, your limits, are in a relationship.
I have a client who comes to mine and unfortunately, she’s dealing with a lot of difficulty with her significant other. He has been drinking a lot and she’s had a lot of pain around people who drink a lot and are alcoholics, and she has a boundary. He was trying to bring up the issue around lack of sexual intimacy with her, and she said “Look, I am not interested in engaging sexually with someone who smells like a brewery, or who smells like alcohol. That’s a boundary for me. I’m not interested in that, it brings up a lot for me, and it’s not attractive. It’s not something I want to do at all.”
He could viably think, “You’re trying to control my drinking etc.” and she’s like, “I’m not trying to tell you, you can’t drink. I’m just trying to say I’m not interested in engaging with you sexually when you smell like alcohol.” So that’s her boundary, something she can control and it’s something that she can manage. It’s not trying to control someone else.
For some of us, setting boundaries is a new experience and it’s a little confusing around where to set the boundary. I’ve had clients that have struggled with setting boundaries because a) they didn’t want to be hurtful, and b) they weren’t sure if they set a boundary if the person would still be there. It was almost as though they had to compromise themselves to be in a relationship, and that definitely sets up a really difficult dynamic. I believe I have a few podcast episodes where I talk about how to set boundaries, and I will make sure to put that on today’s show notes.
One of the other things to consider around a boundary is, is it reasonable and is it fair? Ultimately, as I’m going to talk about in the last question is, we really want to strive for a win-win, a deal that works for both people, and when we really question is the boundary reasonable and is it fair, a couple things that you might be able to ask yourself to determine that, is if your closest friend were in a similar situation and they were wanting to set a boundary… Perhaps “You can’t talk to your exes”, or perhaps “We need to be able to talk about our plans together”, and maybe setting a boundary around that, would it seem appropriate to you? If you had some distance and you were talking to a friend that you loved dearly and cared about, what would you be thinking in regards to his or her perspective? That can be a good way to take some of the emotionality out and really look at “Is this appropriate? Is this fair?”
One of the other things I think I have mentioned on my podcast before is “Would you bring this to a well-lit room, with people that you most respect and admire? Would you be able to uphold this same boundary and feel good about it in a well-lit room where you might have your parents or highly-respected family members, friends that you really trust their opinion, possibly mentors or people you look up to in the community, or let’s even say fictionally or people that you really regard that you’ve never met?”
This exercise can ask you to stand in your decision… And how you can feel when you bring it to the well-lit room. Do you feel ashamed, do you feel insecure or do you really feel proud that, “No, this is something that feels really fair, feels really appropriate and I would want for anyone”? If you’re struggling with where to set the boundary and what a good boundary is for you, another way to explore this is to look at what it is that you are advocating for.
In the first listener’s example, it sounds as though she is wanting her boyfriend to stop messaging and communicating with his ex. So one thing that you can do is, if that were to happen, what would that allow you to feel? This is a way of getting it at in the reverse. You’re looking to get something to happen and if that something were to happen, what would it allow you to feel? Would you feel more secure? Would you feel more confident about your love? What would it be?
This can be a good question to ask and explore in that it will help you connect with what matters most… Because really, truthfully, in a relationship, we want to have standards. We want to have a bar. I would not suggest anyone to accept any behavior. That’s having a really, really low bar, and unfortunately, there are a lot of people that will basically meet your bar, wherever it is.
Now, if people have done a level of work and they have a little bit more of intentionality in the way that they relate, they might have their own standards, integrity in the way that they operate. But if we don’t set a boundary and someone’s willing to meet you wherever you set it, that could be a pretty low level of operating in the way that you might feel taken care of, you might feel respected, you might feel valued. If someone can treat you in any which way they want, I don’t imagine that would feel good.
As I mentioned just a moment ago, there are people who feel afraid of setting a boundary. “Will I reject them? Will they not want to be with me anymore?” It feels like a tremendous risk. Ironically, when we are able to set a healthy, reasonable, fairer boundary, people respect that. They typically have more value and regard for someone who is willing to take care of themselves and stand in a boundary.
An example that I have used in the past is, if I’m in an interaction with someone and it starts to escalate and it starts to get heated, I have a boundary for myself in which I am not going to get into a yelling match with someone. I don’t find that to be productive, I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, and I definitely don’t want to be the aim of someone unleashing very triggered anger towards me. I don’t want to get hurt. And I have a standard that if someone’s going to start escalating and getting angry with me or I feel myself getting angry and wanting to raise my voice, I will basically say, “I’d love for us to lower our voices. I want to continue to talk about this but I don’t want to yell.” Or, perhaps, if yelling starts to happen, I will basically say, “I can’t continue to have this conversation. I’m going to bow out or I’m going to leave the conversation. If you’d like to revisit in a calmer way, I’m definitely willing to do that, but I need to take a break.”
Because boundaries are, again, something for you to operate. It’s not to be used to control your partner but something that you can actually take care of, because the energy about this is, essentially, “I don’t feel good about continuing this relationship if these boundaries are going to be continually crossed.”
It reminds me in the very early stages of my now-husband and I’s relationship. I believe in the first year and then in the second year, he broke up with me, and it was devastating and so, so painful. It did illuminate and allowed us to really work on what was going on and really work those patterns. But I remember after the second breakup, I made a commitment to myself “I’m not doing this again if this is the way that he’s going to address his pain, or his hurt, or his challenge”, that really at the time was not really about me. It was more about his own process and relationship.
Nonetheless, as understanding, as flexible, and as much as I desired to work on the relationship with him, threatening the relationship and breaking up with me was something I wasn’t interested in doing as much as I loved him, and I wanted to be in a relationship, so I really set a boundary for myself. I don’t even think that I’ve vocalized that to him, because I didn’t want it to feel like a threat, but I wanted to hold myself in a place of integrity, that “I’m going to take care of myself. I’m going to have my own back. If this were to happen again, this is not the type of relationship that I want to pursue and I want to have long term.”
I believe there is a qualitative shift when we can connect with what really matters for us in a deeper, deeper need and, possibly, a boundary. When we can hold it for ourselves, I think that that has an impact on our significant other. It’s almost as if they get the message on some level, whether or not it’s non-verbal or even if it is articulated verbally, that there’s an awareness around, “Okay, she’s clear and I know where she’s at and I have an opportunity to work with her, or to make a different choice.”
I can tell you I’ve had this experience over and over and over again, where I have been able to draw a line for myself, something that I’m willing to stand in, show up for, have my own back around, and it has shifted the dynamic in that it almost cuts through all of the drama, the back-and-forth, the blaming, the criticizing, the defending, the shutting down, all of those protest attempts, if you will, of trying to get each other to engage, be heard, and listen to… It really just distills it in a very, very clear way around, “This is where I’m at.”
I think Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks call this The Unarguable Truth. This clarity allows for your partner to be able to either take a step towards you and want to help or not, and again, that’s good information. I will say if they do take a step towards you to try to help and really work with you, I want to encourage that this effort is stable and consistent. Because sometimes we can be fueled and motivated by an impassioned moment and that might be the desire to people-please or to help and not want you to be hurt. But if it’s not sustainable, then I would argue there’s something in it that perhaps your partner hasn’t really done the work to check in around, “Is this something that works for me? Is this in alignment with what I want? And do I really want to approach this situation in this way?”
This gets us to the last question, question number eight: Do you work towards a win-win? This is a paradigm shift to want to arrive at a solution or a resolution that works for both people. It’s not about just getting your way. It’s about advocating for your needs but also holding space for “How does this work for you. How does this fit for you? Does this address your needs? Does it really help with what you’re trying to achieve or what you’re trying to accomplish?”
Again, as I mentioned, if it is not a win-win, it’s likely that it will not be sustainable long-term, or perhaps that someone’s just compromising and not being really fully authentic, which in my book, isn’t real connection.
I have a client who struggles with this with her husband. She describes that her husband, over the last several years, has developed an interest in music, has been developing his skill in this arena, has been collaborating with other musicians, and this is an area in his life that he’s been developing and allocating a lot of time and energy to. And it’s not her favorite activity, and I think part of the reason why it’s not her favorite activity is it feels as though it’s separate from her and that he will choose this over her and the children. This has been a cause for pain and hurt. So on occasion, he’s asked her to accompany him on a music trip, somewhere in another state or in a destination location… And she describes just feeling no interest in this at all, and almost appalled that he would ask her, especially when it’s over something like a spring break or a holiday that the kids are really heavily involved and it’s almost appointed family time.
She further continues to describe how this does not work for her, and this is a deal that’s not a win-win. So when we have talked about that, I was reflecting back to her that part of the pain that she’s experiencing is that it doesn’t feel to her that he’s considering her needs, her desire or the kids’ needs and desires, for that matter, and that it’s not a win-win. It’s not something that feels good or that there’s something in it for her or the children.
As I mentioned earlier in the show about the relationship map, this part of the developmental process of relationship is getting towards this more synergistic win-win, collaborative stance. If you’re interested in checking that out, I encourage you to go to today’s show notes and you can find the link to opt-in for that free relationship guide. There’s also an eBook that really goes through some of this developmental process around how to get at a win-win, and how most of us are not equipped and have not been modeled or have developed the skill to negotiate these difficult topics or even conflict from that paradigm of a win-win. Again, that’s the more collaborative stance, resolution, outcome that is mutually beneficial.
Let’s revisit the four questions for today’s episode. Number five, do you have explicit agreements? Number six, do you clear up a miscommunication? Number seven, do you take care of yourself? And number eight, do you work towards a win-win?
I encourage you to check out today’s show notes, as I have listed many, many different resources that support this conversation. Again, you can find that on my website, that’s DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on Podcast, and you can find all of the episodes listed there. Again, this is Episode 164, What To Do When You Question, “Is My Partner Really With Me?” Again, Part One is 163 by the same title.
Thank you so much for your listenership. I so appreciate your willingness to look at these topics, grow yourself, and grow your relationship. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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