ERP 167: How to Be More Lovable in Relationship
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 167, “How to be more lovable in relationship.” I am privileged to be sharing this time with you, as I do my best to offer tips, tools and resources, and addressing relationship topics and issues that sometimes we’re faced with when we’re navigating the tricky terrain of long-lasting intimacy. And if you will, just take a moment with me and center into the intention of the Empowered Relationship podcast… And that is to improve the connection in our relationship, and as we do that, we will often times grow ourselves, heal ourselves and develop more fully. As we do this, we also grow, heal and develop our relationship with our significant other… And that in the terrain of long-lasting intimacy, we are challenged with painful times, insecure times, threatening times, times that we might label negative, challenging or bad.
We’re also maybe even challenged with expanding our capacity of experiencing more joy, more intimacy, more pleasure in our connection… And also with maintaining a consistent, solid, secure, stable, day-in and day-out connection.
As I’m saying all this, I am acknowledging what an enormous venture and journey it is. It’s not a small task. If anything, I think this is probably the hardest work we may ever do, if we’re really doing the self-reflective work around looking at the areas where we might feel triggered and challenged and reactive to, and to be able to learn, and heal and grow in those areas. That is not an easy thing to do, it’s humbling, and I totally believe that it is so incredibly powerful when we say Yes to doing that work.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can find that on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes there. Today’s episode, again, is 167, “How to be more lovable in relationship.”
Let’s get started in today’s episode. Typically, in relationship, when we have a concern with our significant other, we will broach the issue oftentimes by talking about what we do not like, what they’re doing wrong, why it’s unfair, and not the best approach. I do this myself; we are all prone to this tendency, it’s very human to address the issue and address the concern as it exists, as we know it… And if you’ve listened to my podcast for any length of time, you’ve probably heard my recommendation of pausing on that tendency, recognizing that when we approach our partner with that style, it’s likely to lead to them being defensive, or arguing with the fact that our perception is inaccurate. This diverts the attention away from your point, which is “I’m struggling. I’m having a hard time” or “My feelings are hurt” or “I’m scared.” That’s what your partner cares about, and that’s where your partner is gonna want to help. They care less about your assessment, your judgment and your critique of how they’re doing things; they do care deeply about your emotional experience and you being okay. This takes some work, to be able to communicate to your significant other. It takes pausing, and some self-inquiry to look beneath the critique or the issue, and really wonder “What is going on for you?”
This is not easy work, and it is sometimes something that we’re very resistant to… Because we feel justified, we feel right in our experience, and often times there’s truth and there is validity to what we’re experiencing. Here’s a client example to illustrate this. And before I do that, I just want to again encourage us to have the mind here that we all struggle with this tendency. I’m gonna be sharing a personal example about my own struggle with this tendency a little later.
This particular couple – I’m relatively new to working with them; they’re married, they share a lot together, and they have a business together… They’re just very, very connected on many levels. They’re reaching out to get some support in a couple areas where they’ve noticed some conflict… One of which being he has an ex-wife and two children from that marriage that he is deeply devoted to being a good father for. At the same time, the way in which they negotiate his allocation of time, money, resources to his children, she’s still trying to understand; and the way they talk about it has been fraught with tension, and miscommunication and disconnect.
The way it looks like for her, the wife, is “You’re not being open with me. You’re avoiding talking about these issues, and you are not including me in making decisions around how we spend time, our money, and I’m upset about the way you’re negotiating this.”
For him, the husband, it looks like “You don’t accept my children. You don’t support me, you don’t really care about my being a good father and being inclusive.”
As you’re listening, I’m imagining you can tell that the way in which they take issue with each other would likely lead to defensiveness and rebutting, like “No, I do care about your children”, or “No, I am including you. I do wanna make decisions with you.” And they could be often running and going back and forth, reacting to each other, but not talking about the deeper feelings and the deeper needs, which are incredibly significant.
When couples seek support by the way of a therapist or couples coach, they’re often looking for someone to help facilitate and help them work through challenges… And sometimes there’s also this side – maybe even unconscious desire for the coach therapist to call out and hold their partner accountable, almost as if to say “See? See what my partner is doing?” and help them recognize the error of their ways. And yes, it’s true, the way that we react when we’re hurting is often times less than ideal… But what we forget is that there’s a dance happening. It takes two people to tango, and we often forget about our own reactions… So today I wanna turn the conversation more towards what are we doing to contribute to a more lovable interaction.
Again, we may feel justified, that we are reacting to our partner’s poor behavior, and that our reaction is warranted. Or perhaps we’ve tried to get their attention in so many different ways and it doesn’t work… So reacting feels like our only option. It’s almost as if we think our partner will not listen to us if we don’t scream and shout.
Another client talks about how she has to get angry, she has to get loud, and that this is the only way that her husband has paid attention or taken her seriously. So over the course of their relationship she is really convinced that this is the only way that she will be seen, heard and understood.
One of the biggest shifts that I’ve experienced in my relationship challenges – and there have been several, but one comes to mind in this regard… And that is to take full responsibility for my experience, and how this relates to when my partner is doing something that I have challenge with, or don’t appreciate, or feel offended by, or feel like is a betrayal… That I am still responsible for my part of the interaction. I learned this the hard way. If you’ve heard my story around what got me into exploring relationship principles, essentially ending up doing my dissertation on the topic, and devoting my career to relationship challenge was because of the hardships that I experienced, and the amount of conflict and the back and forth that we would go through. Now, that relationship ended, but I do believe all of the things that I was practicing and learning during that phase, and then set me on the journey of a deep study personally and professionally, did set me up to be with my husband now and be better prepared for developing that relationship with him; we’ve been together for 13 years and I just feel such a richness in the way in which we interact, in our connection, in our bond, in our devotion to these practices, and being able to see the fruits of these practices… And this is what motivates us to continue to do the work.
But again, going back to the hardship, I felt and experienced enough repetition in the negative cycle that I recognized “If I continue to partake in this, if I continue to react to my partner’s reaction, and then him reacting to my reactions, and the snowball effect of that, that’s gonna result in more disconnect, more separation and more pain and injury… And that I actually have some sense of agency in this, that I can shift the dynamic, and it’s not bearing the responsibility of the relationship – because we’re both responsible – but it is bearing the responsibility of my own commitments to what I’m contributing to in my part of it all.” If I’m gonna invest energy and effort into the relationship dynamic, I want it to be constructive, I want it to work towards a goal… And believe me, I had been around that block well enough, even prior to this relationship that I’m referencing; this relationship was particularly prominent in the fact that we both thought we were the one, we matched on so many levels, we had similar values, shared goals, all of this stuff… So it was a huge rude awakening when we experienced the conflict that I’m describing.
As I started to practice this work in that relationship, it was incredibly hard to manage my reactions and shift how I responded, because at the end of the day I couldn’t control his reactions. And over years of practice and painful learning, I have really come to solidify my belief and my commitment… Because every time I experience the positivity and the result of what I’m describing, it motivates me to do it that much more. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have the impulse, or feel compelled to take issue with my husband in a way that really is talking about what he is doing that is not fair, or is inaccurate, or not the best way. I still feel that… But I know deep in my being that that isn’t a constructive conversation. My partner is not gonna hear me, not gonna understand my deeper pain, and isn’t gonna be that interested in helping, because he’s gonna be too preoccupied with defending my perception of him. I have a commitment to when I recognize something is important to me and I have an issue about it, that I do my best to clear it in a constructive way. I do my best to get in touch with what I’m feeling and share my feelings, instead of sharing my blame.
Again, I mentioned managing my own reactions if I’m upset, or triggered, or flooded with emotion… That is not gonna be the best time for me to talk with my husband in a more regulated way. He’s gonna be noticing my emotion and my nonverbals, and he’ll probably be bracing for what I’m gonna say. Even if I try to be tactful in the way I’m communicating, the nonverbals will overpower the communication.
I can also set limits and boundaries for myself. I don’t have to continue being victim by his reactions. If he is in a funk, or is being grumpy, or saying things that I deem as hurtful or unkind, I don’t have to continue to participate in that. Or if I’m feeling defensive, that I can call that out. Or if I’m feeling vulnerable, that I can request to tread lightly or gently or slowly.
Also, to be committed to participating in a way that facilitates a positive interaction. Over the course of time, you’re gonna get to know your partner, and things that help them, and things that hurt them, and if you’re in a position to want to help, that you can be mindful of those things, and it doesn’t mean it alters your authenticity, but again, the way in which you express, or the way in which you interact with your partner, that those things could be taken into consideration. This gesture of goodwill does set up a more positive dynamic that I think your partner would recognize and really respect, and then would also motivate your partner to also participate in that goodwill.
All of what I’m suggesting here is to lay the foundation for the question that I think we often overlook in relationship… Because as I’m saying, we’re often focused on our partner and what they could do to improve, and what they could do differently, and we sometimes miss the question “How lovable am I being?”
I wanna draw a clear distinction between this question – it’s not about the essence of your lovability. You are lovable, that’s a fact; what I’m suggesting here in this question is how are you relating to your partner that, that sets up the interaction for love? How are you participating in generating love? How are you helping your partner love you more?
In Ann Smith’s article in Psychology Today titled Love and Lovability she’s talking about the fact that we are all lovable. Now, she talks about when we have experienced hardship and difficulties in our life, possibly even trauma, that we may have certain limitations or blocks to our capacity to experience love, and we’re not gonna go into that today, but I do think she offered something really beautiful, and I love how she said it, so I’m gonna speak it here:
“Being lovable is inherent. It’s not earned, it’s not dependent on the approval of another person. Whether you are alone or in a secure relationship, you are still lovable. You are forever and always lovable. Even if a bad childhood led you to feel unloved and unworthy, you are still lovable. Even if you feel ashamed due to past failures and mistakes, you are still lovable. Even if you have been rejected or abandoned by someone, you are still lovable. You possess the capacity to attach to others and to receive love from others even when you feel that no one loves you.”
When talking about love and lovability, I do wanna mention that what’s important to each of us is gonna vary. It could be helpful to contemplate and ponder – in relationship, what do you measure as success? If you really experienced the feeling of love and shared love with your significant other, what would be happening that would help you know and experience that love? I’m gonna list some things that are common for people: being emotionally connected; feeling a warmth in the interactions; feeling safe that your partner cares for you, is gonna do their best to have your back, is available when you need them, and that you can rely on them; and you for them, as well; that you feel a bond, a closeness.
Another thing that people often look at when they’re talking about their relationship being successful is feeling a sense of satisfaction, a sense of fulfillment; their needs are getting met, and that can be a whole range of needs. But they’re feeling a sense of enrichment, and contentment with their relationship.
People also talk about a sense of happiness, a sense of joy, that they share time together that’s pleasurable, whether or not it’s traveling together… I know one of the things my husband and I really enjoy – and we enjoy this a lot when we’re in Boulder, Colorado, and we often seek it out here in California – is to go to natural hot springs. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are actively researching places to go for a long weekend. We also enjoy nature and hiking, so we’re looking at complementing maybe even a national park with some hot springs, in a romantic getaway… So that’s something that we really experience joy and we tend to have a great time together, and we laugh, we tell jokes, we play off of each other… And again, there’s a sense of happiness; these are things that we enjoy, that we feel really happy in nature, and we feel really relaxed and restored when we can invest in our self-care.
Another thing that ranks high on measuring relationship success is having a healthy sex life. Whether or not it’s having romance, or passion, or newness and excitement, or just even the time to land and be with each other and share in sexual intimacy.
Another thing that people comment on is a sense of companionship and togetherness. Being able to enjoy each other’s company. Part of that harmony is also feeling confident that if there is an issue, that you guys have the ability to resolve it, or that you know that you will resolve it. A sense of togetherness might also be that you work really well with your significant other, or perhaps there’s a real attention to openness, honesty and loyalty, that again, cultivates that companionship and that togetherness.
Lastly, a sense of goodwill, kindness and respect within the interaction and the relationship… Whether or not that’s that consideration, that care, that empathy and understanding, or whether or not it’s that quality of trust and that benefit of a doubt. These are all things that people often comment on and refer to around what matters to them, and what for them is a measurement of success.
If we are taking an honest look at our behavior in relationship, asking the question “How lovable are we?”, I wanna recognize there’s a lot of things that get in the way. An insecure attachment style, whether or not we tend to distrust that people are there for us, and we are highly self-reliant and we turn away… Or whether or not we are anxious and insecure about the stability and the consistency of the connection, and we’re checking. Or perhaps that we have some level of fear – fear of intimacy, abandonment, a sense of worthiness… Or we as a human project; we have unconscious defense strategies or patterns, perhaps that we have judgments, blame and criticism at play. Or when things don’t get resolved, it’s often common that we will feel some level of resentment, that will build, and causes a wedge. These things get in the way of really showing up in lovable ways.
A little while ago I had Dr. Lisa Firestone on the show, and she was talking about narcissism. I had read an article by her, and she was talking about her father, who’s also a psychologist, and he termed the phrase “fantasy bond.” I think it’s really relevant that often times we will start to take our partner for granted, or assume that that bond is what’s gonna hold us together and perhaps overlook the importance of treating our partner with kindness, with this level of positivity. She writes:
“They start to overstep each other’s boundaries, replace substance with form, and diminish real personal interactions. Although it isn’t a conscious process, when a couple forms this type of fantasy, they stop engaging in small acts of kindness, or even showing care and concern for each other. Without realizing it, couples form a fantasy bond in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they’re stuck with. The behavior between the couple deteriorates.
One partner may become withholding or controlling. Both can become nitpicky, critical, and less accepting of their partner’s individuality and freedom. While the quality of the relationship may be deteriorating, a fantasy bond still offers an impression of unity that gives a certain sense of security. When we formed this type of bond, being kind to our partner actually threatens to disrupt this sense of safety we experience. It forces us to acknowledge our partner as a separate person.”
I think this is so helpful to just point out, that often times we expect our partner to be a certain way because we are in relationship with them. It’s almost like we can stake claim over the way in which they treat us… And yes, we absolutely have a lot of say, and again, we want to feel empowered around setting limits and boundaries around what works for us and what doesn’t work for us, but the expectation and the assumption, and the neglect of being able to recognize your partner’s choice, freedom and individuality is where we start to get that fantasy bond that deteriorates the connection.
In Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, in chapter five he’s discussing principle number three, which is “Turn towards each other, instead of away.” Well, in part of the way through the chapter he is giving an exercise to help support what do you do when you partner doesn’t turn towards you. He’s got a bunch of things to explore to help you identify what you’re feeling, and what emotions you’re experiencing, and these are all related to your difficulty with your partner.
Then he’s got a section titled “These recent feelings about my marriage come from…”, and he writes “Check all that apply:
– The way I was treated in my family growing up
– A previous relationship
– Past injuries, hard times or traumas I’ve suffered
– My basic fears and insecurities
– Things and events I have not yet resolved or put aside
– Unrealized hopes I have
– Ways other people treated me in the past
– Things I have always thought about myself
– Old nightmares or catastrophes I have worried about.”
He says “After you’ve read each other’s answers above, you will (I hope) come to see that many of your differences are really not matters of fact. We are all complicated creatures whose actions and reactions are governed by a wide array of perceptions, thoughts, feelings and memories. In other words, reality is subjective, which is why your partner’s perspective on the past week may be different from yours, without either of you being right or wrong about what really happened.”
He also writes:
“It’s natural to make the fundamental error of assuming that distance and loneliness are all your partner’s fault. In truth, they’re nobody’s fault. In order to break the pattern, you both need to admit playing some role, however slight at first, in creating the problem.”
Then he goes on to give you more to work with around what might be going on for you that’s contributing to your perspective and your outlook on the relationship; being stressed, or possibly not acknowledging or expressing how you feel, withholding. In this, Dr. John Gottman is trying to help us identify all the things that might contribute to our sense of disconnect, and that we’re actually participating in that disconnect, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
I have several tips to offer you… In today’s episode I’m laying the foundation for this conversation. I’m gonna share two tips with you, and then I will follow up with a part two and possibly part three.
The first two tips on how to be more lovable. Now, again, I wanna encourage you to take this all as a form of a suggestion, and run it through your intelligence system; if it resonates for you, by all means, take what fits and work with it. But if it doesn’t resonate and it’s not important to you, by all means, leave it to be.
Number one – be kind. In the same book by John Gottman, “The seven principles for making marriage work”, on page 42 he’s talking about the Sixth Sign; this is a problematic or prediction of divorce, is bad memories. He says “When a relationship gets assumed in negativity, it’s not only the couple’s present and future life together that are put at risk; their past is also in danger, too. When I interview couples, I usually ask about the history of their marriage. I have found over and over that couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past.”
Where conversely he talks about the importance of a positive sentiment override. That’s where the climate of the relationship is positive. He says “He positive sentiment override is their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings. It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other, their marriage, to assume positive things about their lives together and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.”
And John Gottman talks about the ability to cultivate fondness, admiration and appreciation for one another. He has a whole chapter on this, but one of the main takeaways is just even focusing your attention on a positive quality of your spouse or your significant other generates and reignites the flame of your appreciation, your fondness and your admiration. So just even the ability to ponder the positive qualities of your partner is gonna cultivate that sense of warmth and appreciation of your partner.
When we’re appreciating and feeling more fond of our partner, it’s that much easier to be kind, and to perhaps engage in consideration or loving acts. Possibly, it’s noticing your partner is particularly stressed, or has a really busy workweek, and maybe you help to pick up the kids, or pick up the dry cleaning when it’s their job; or perhaps you just get them a glass of water when you think that they might be thirsty. Or you give them a neck rub. Or just even giving them a nice, thoughtful, encouraging text or call during the day.
I like to point out that it can be helpful to consider the platinum rule. The platinum rule is treating your partner how they wanna be treated, which is an up level from the golden rule… The golden rule being treat others how you wanna be treated, which I think is a generally good practice. But when we’re looking at, again, the richness and the complexities of two different people in relationship, we may do something for them that we feel like is hitting the mark… Whether or not it’s spend a lot of time and energy making an elaborate dinner, when really they just want to feel your presence and sit down and talk with them.
If you’re looking for more tips, suggestions and ideas around how to practice kindness, I wanna invite you to listen to the podcast series on kindness, that also has a nice activity download for you. You can find the link on today’s show notes for your easy access.
Number two – share vulnerability and reveal more fully. Being vulnerable is often something that we don’t have skill in, possibly have not deemed as important or even valuable, and so when it comes to opening more fully and revealing more fully, this can be confusing.
When I suggest being vulnerable and sharing more fully, I’m not suggesting on every account. What I am suggesting is recognizing when something matters to you; on a scale from one to ten, anything that’s above possibly a six or seven. Or perhaps something that you have a lot of emotion about. That’s gonna indicate, be a signal to you that something has meaning and impact on you. It requires vulnerability to go to your partner and help them understand what you’re experiencing that might be more tender and raw… Whereas if you bottle it up, it’s likely to build to resentment and make it even harder to deal with.
While I often talk about the value and the intimacy and the closeness and connection that comes from being vulnerable, that allows for more emotional closeness, intimacy, it also is such a huge risk, and it’s such a huge risk in relationship, because when we are in a long-lasting romantic partnership, this person is gonna matter more to you than anyone else, likely… So the stakes are that much higher, and it activates our fear and our protection mechanisms that much more. So this is not an easy thing. It’s really easy to want to seem detached, or protect ourselves, because we don’t want to get hurt, or we don’t want to appear too needy.
I had been faced with this over the last several months. My husband has taken on a business venture which essentially requires him to work not quite two jobs, but definitely do a lot outside of his normal workweek, which has consumed a lot of his time and energy. A few weeks ago I remember really wanting his attention; I remember I was brushing my teeth, it was at the end of the day, and I was getting ready for bed early, just so I could get cleaned up and have some time to relax… And I remember recognizing the sensation in myself, and also being so committed to these practices — but again, the human impulse is this is not easy; it’s not easy to turn towards and do, but I could recognize I wanted his attention. I was like, “Ugh, it sounds so vulnerable, and it’s not something I really wanna say”, but I’m like “Okay, I’m gonna do this.” So I went to him and I said “I would like some of your attention.” And he looked at me — I don’t think he’s ever heard me say that before; again, we’ve been together for 13 years, but this is not something I’ve really vocalized… And he was like, “What do you mean?” [laughs]
I actually didn’t have any ideas around what type of attention I was looking for; I just wanted his focus for just even five minutes. I wasn’t looking for a lot, I just wanted to feel his connection. We talked about the day, and… And just on a side note, my husband is really good about spending time together; we eat dinners together, we have activities together, we do talk about the day… So I don’t want to paint the picture that he’s not available. But compared to what we normally do, he’s been more consumed, and when he’s even with me, I can tell that it’s weighing on him; all the things he’s doing, and he’s thinking about it… So even when we are together, he’s not possibly as accessible or present as he normally is, which I’ve been fine with, but I also recognized my need, and it was not easy to speak to.
I have another example that I wanna share with you. I was actually expecting to share it with you today, however, I’m gonna save it for part two or part three, because it is a little more in-depth and I wanna give it more justice than we actually have time for today.
Thank you for listening. I value your precious time and spending this with me. I feel privileged and honored to be your guide, facilitator in these topics. I honor your commitment to improving the quality of your relationship and growing yourself.
Just a short recap – the first two tips that I’ve offered you on this topic are 1) Be kind, and 2) Share vulnerability and reveal more fully. And again, I talked a lot about the foundation of this topic, of how to be more lovable in relationship. So stay tuned for part two, where I’m gonna offer a lot more tips and tools on this topic.
Again, if you are interested in today’s show notes, please visit DrJessicaHiggins.com. Thank you again for your listenership, and until next time, I hope you take great care.
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