ERP 168: How to Be More Lovable in Relationship – Part Two
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 168. This is part two, “How to be more lovable in relationship.” If you missed episode 167, I wanna encourage you to check that out before proceeding with today’s episode.
A short recap of 167 part one – really exploring how in relationship it’s very common to look at how our partner perhaps is doing things in ways that might challenge us, and we might even at times take issue with. However, how often do we really look at our own contribution, in ways of how we are being lovable? Now, I don’t mean lovable in our sense of worthiness, or the fact that we are worthy of love; we are all worthy of love, and we talked about that as well… What I’m talking about is the ways in which we interact that set up the dynamic for you to experience more love… Meaning are you behaving in ways, or participating interactions with your partner that allow your partner to love you more, or that you can attract more love, or be inspiring more love? And that there are things that you can do to increase your lovability and your likability.
In relationship I also mentioned how we may differ in what we place value in, and our definition of what is successful in relationship might vary from couple to couple. I gave some examples around where we typically place value in relationship. It was also important for us to look at what gets in the way of behaving in lovable ways, and there are a lot of things that can interfere with us engaging in lovability… So I wanna encourage you to check that out if you missed that.
I also offered the first two tips of how to be more lovable in relationship. One is really behaving in ways that are kind. I also talked about how to increase positivity and how to perhaps give in ways that matter more to your partner, using the Platinum Rule. Tip number two – I talked about the importance of sharing vulnerability and revealing more fully, where I shared a personal story of mine.
Again, if you missed that episode, I wanna encourage you to check it out. Again, that’s episode 167. You can also access the show notes, as well as today’s show notes on my website. That’s DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes there; the most recent ones are at the top.
Before we get started with today’s episode, I wanna encourage you to just drop into setting the intention with me, for the Empowered Relationship Podcast and our conversation today… And that is that we join in conversations about relationship in the interest of improving the quality of our connection, as well as feeling more prepared, better equipped to navigate the tricky terrain of long-lasting intimacy. Now, I say “tricky terrain” in the sense that sometimes we may encounter tension, threat, difficulties that we don’t anticipate, or perhaps will ask us to look at parts of ourselves that we have maybe not acknowledged, or haven’t really fully dealt with, and that might feel uncomfortable and painful to confront. And that we do this in the interest of growth and transformation, that there’s healing to be had if we say yes. In this sense, relationship becomes the teacher.
When I refer to the tricky terrain of long-lasting intimacy, this is what I’m referring to. If you’ve listened to previous podcast episodes, I’ve mentioned this full spectrum that we wanna expand our experience in relationship, allowing ourselves to expand our capacity for more joy, more love, more intimacy, as well as expand our comfortability of tolerating some of those more challenging points, again, in the interest of growth and healing… But that we lean in, rather than turn away. And that in the in-between we contribute to this consistency, this stability and this security of doing relationship day in and day out.
I appreciate your joining me in these conversations, I appreciate your listenership, and if you’re interested in engaging more, you have a few options. You can e-mail me, [email protected], and you can let me know how this show helps you, possibly give me feedback, or maybe even give me input around what topics you’re interested in learning more about as it relates to relationship. There are also ways for you to deepen in your practice through way of programs, coaching, and you can find all of that on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com.
Let’s get started with today’s episode. In today’s episode I’m gonna be giving you more tips on how to be more lovable in relationship. Again, if you wanna find the first two tips, be sure to check out episode 167.
Number three – get clear on your reason for giving. In relationship it can be easy to fall into the trap of keeping score, where we might on some level say “I did this. Now it’s your turn to do that.” Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have that mutual contribution; some level of equality, equity in the responsibilities. I do think there’s a difference between striking a deal that’s a win/win or something that works for both partners, but that’s different than being in a place of giving, when we’re wanting to help out, provide support, or be generous.
When we’re clear on why we’re giving, it can feel so much more embodied, meaning that we feel connected, and it feels good. We’re clear on why we’re doing it. Often times, we’re trying to contribute to a sense of happiness and closeness and togetherness in the bond and the relationship. Now, again, like I said, it’s human nature for us to get caught in traps of keeping score, and there’s reasons why we do that. Often times I’ve seen when people give too much they end up feeling resentful, and resent their partner. And this can be dangerous. It doesn’t cultivate that sense of giving. It very much is a tit for tat, and that dynamic is usually felt in the relationship. The person that’s being resented can feel it.
Or perhaps sometimes there’s this one-upping; a sense of holding each other accountable, or maybe even being competitive, or seeking recognition. Now, seeking recognition – there’s nothing wrong with that, but again, if it’s giving with strings attached; it’s not about just the deal, it’s more around “Look how great I am.” This is just a slippery slope.
As we look at how to be more lovable in relationship, recognizing when we are in a place of wanting to give, that we’re really clear on the value of giving, or what is it that we’re doing it for.
When I was writing the show notes for this episode, the thing that came up for me with my husband and I is our contribution to our domestic responsibilities, and how it’s evolved in our relationship. And what’s interesting is the more trust that we’ve gained in our connection, and the more comfortable we have grown with each other, the more relaxed we’ve been. Our chores and our domestic responsibilities used to be extremely clear.
Now, in the beginning it was more separate, like “You do this, and I’ll do this.” Then there was a phase where we actually had a chart, and it was laid out, and trying to account for everything. That just felt too much.
Now we’re in a position where we invest or we contribute to our family together because we wanna help, because we want a clean home, or we want healthy meals. And sometimes we do that to help each other, and sometimes we do it to help ourselves, like we enjoy it. I can say that it feels really different than it did in the beginning. In the beginning I might have had some fear or anxiety around wanting him to perceive me as a good partner, as contributing in a positive way. And maybe there was another level where I felt some level of priority around wanting to keep a good home, and really contribute to the health of us as a couple in a certain way. I was attached to that being seen as good, or on the mark. I wanted to achieve something, or strive for something.
Now I very much trust that our values are similar, and that we are contributing, and sometimes it might be more and sometimes it might be less, depending on what we have going on… And that we feel able to adapt and flow with what feels really natural. Now, I don’t know if this will be the way we’ll always do it, but I’m noticing the quality of it and what it might even represent.
Even last night — I had actually gone grocery shopping and had done the meal planning for the week, and my husband did some cleaning on Sunday, so I felt like going into the week we were in pretty good shape… And I actually had clients up until — I even went a little later than scheduled, and it was like 6:30, 6:45 and that’s a pretty late start for us to start preparing dinner… And my husband had gone and exercised after work, and he got the meal started, but when I was done with session, I jumped in and we actually prepared the meal together, which felt like a really beautiful flow to share that together… And it just wasn’t discussed, it wasn’t planned, and we just both contributed, and I think we enjoyed it despite it being a little later than probably we would have both wanted.
As I’m saying this, I’m recognizing that perhaps the way that my husband and I have handled our domestic responsibilities is that it started off as an arrangement, a deal that worked for both of us, that we mutually agreed on, and it’s evolved to us being responsible and both contributing, but more from a giving place, that we are clear about our desire to invest, and that our capability of investing might vary from day to day, but that we’re doing it from a place of giving.
The tone of this way of relating feels really different, it feels really good, it feels really natural to me. So as I invite you to consider, when you’re giving, possibly when it’s fulfilling your part of the bargain, or perhaps when you’re going above and beyond, or you’re just wanting to be supportive and generous, that you’re clear as to why you’re doing it; what the purpose is, what the goal is. That might actually help you enjoy the energy of giving, rather than feeling obligated, resentful and harboring a grudge… And I guess in those cases I wanna encourage you to clear that, and we’ll talk about that in a later tip.
Number four – turn towards your partner. When your partner talks to you, or bids for your attention, as John Gottman would call, that you respond; whether or not you respond to their statement or you respond to something that they put out there, whether or not it’s a sigh, or some gesture… That you’re attentive, that you engage.
Where this gets problematic is when couples are experiencing conflict, and they get into a negative cycle, and they might snub each other, give each other the cold shoulder; perhaps hurting from a previous interaction, and wanting to convey the point of “I’m still mad at you” or “I’m gonna pay you back. Not that I really wanna punish you, but I want you to have a taste of your own medicine.”
This gets problematic, because then partners are reacting to each other, and it’s difficult to even find out “What are we mad about?” We’re just continuing to exchange reactive, negative protests to one another, and that doesn’t feel good.
As I referenced John Gottman, I’m gonna post a link to an article that was on the Gottman Institute’s website, titled “Turn towards, instead of away.” In the article it stated that a bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways – a smile, a wink, or more complex ways, like a request for advice or help.
John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds, and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together, many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing – turning towards, instead of away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples who had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.
In this article there’s many examples given around if you had the knowledge of choosing a sober dentist, that’s gonna do a good job, versus a dentist who’s an alcoholic and who has a malpractice suit against him – it’s obvious. They’re trying to really claim that this one fact of turning towards your partner when there’s a bid for attention is significant in cultivating a stable, happy marriage.
In the article there’s some good reflection questions that I would encourage you to look at. When it comes to turning towards my partner, am I closer to the 33%, or am I closer to the 86%? Or what do I know about how I make bids? Or what does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me? So I encourage you to check that out. Again, the episode show notes will provide that link for you to access. Again, that can be found on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com.
Number five – be there for your partner. This comes from the attachment research, and Susan Johnson really prioritizes the acronym “ARE”. Are you accessible, are you responsive, and are you engaged? From her research she’s really identified these characteristics that help us understand and feel that our partner is there for us, again, accessible – “Can I reach you?” Can I get my partner’s attention when I need it, or when I want it? My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. My partner shows me that I come first, and that I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. They’ll listen. This is that sense of “They’re accessible.” Again, this comes from Susan Johnson’s work.
R – Responsiveness. “Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?” If I need connection and comfort, my partner is gonna be there for me. My partner responds to my signals. And this is, again, with John Gottman’s recognition of being able to turn towards your partner when they bid for your attention. That’s the responsiveness. And if I need reassurance about how important I am, I can get it from my partner.
E – Engagement. Do I know you will value me and stay close? I feel very comfortable being close to and trusting my partner. I’m confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts and fears, and I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. Again, that’s accessible, responsive and engaged.
As we look at how to be more lovable in relationship, possibly you can look at how accessible you are, how responsive you are, and how engaged you are. For the accessibility, it might mean if you’re reading a book and you’re enthralled with what’s going on, and your partner is bidding for your attention, to simply put a pause on the book and turn towards your partner and be accessible to them. Or perhaps you might even say “Okay, give me one second, I just need to finish this one part”, and then being accessible… But letting them know you are reachable.
There’s times – I think I might have mentioned this in previous podcasts – where I might be making dinner and my husband’s wanting to share something about his day, and sometimes it’s important, and I’m recognizing “I don’t know that I can give him the adequate attention that he’s looking for right now”, and I might even be explicit, I might say “Would you like me to stop?”, because it would mean postponing and delaying dinner, but it might be worth it, that he can actually reach me, and I am accessible to him.
As I mentioned in the last podcast episode, my husband’s gone through a phase lately that he’s been much more immersed in a business venture that’s really consumed a lot of his time and his attention, and I’ve needed to bid for his attention, and be explicit about that… And that’s vulnerable to do. And at the same time, if we can do this in moments where we might be traveling a lot, or being really preoccupied, or having to work a lot, that we can reach each other. This is part of that emotional connection and bond that we’re nurturing, and if we don’t know how to do that, that can really feel like a place of disconnect, and that can create some tension. So in this idea of being more lovable, that we can do this in a proactive, constructive way.
Number six – value yourself. This might sound like a hallmark cliché invitation to love yourself… But I wanna suggest that so often we are moving through life without really recognizing our own value, and not in an egotistical way, but in a way of feeling our goodness, feeling our intention, and feeling our worth. We might even be able to recognize our efforts, our strengths, as well as our growth areas, but even being able to see the value in our challenges; that we’re learning, we’re developing and we’re growing, and part of that is sometimes a struggle, but there’s value in it. Many of us don’t actually have the habit of acknowledging these things.
Again, often times we are concerned that it sounds boastful, egotistical or narcissistic, and yet there’s something really beautiful about being able to recognize worth… And not in a comparison way, not “Oh, look how great I am, and how much better I am than this person”, but a real genuine sense of recognition, and maybe even acknowledgment.
Recently I learned of this exercise where if someone’s building this practice – sometimes we need to have a practice to build a habit, or to really shift our set point in the way that we might think… So this person was sharing that he was journaling every night just a few short minutes about things that went well during that day, things that he valued. And then the second layer to that is what were his efforts or his contribution to make those things happen. Because when we’re not in the habit of seeing how we do add value, then that can often be overlooked. And how this fits with being more lovable – even in marriage, when two people have been together for years and they know each other, or perhaps you’re dating and someone’s just getting to know you, whatever the level of knowing of someone, there’s still a tone that we get to set as an individual around our confidence, our worth…
And I remember a long time ago – and I think I’ve even mentioned this on previous podcasts – that one of the most attractive qualities in another person is their sense of self-confidence, their sense of self-worth, and essentially them enjoying their own company, that it’s a real pleasure to be around… And people will rise to that tone; if you set a level of worth for yourself, then people typically will recognize that most likely subconsciously (or even unconsciously), and they will match that tone.
As I’m talking, it reminds me of a friend of mine… When I was getting to know her, I remember the word that I used about her was “regal”. She carries herself with such poise, and her posture is impeccable, and it really almost inspires me to have better posture and carry myself a little more upright… And also the way that she holds herself, there’s an invitation to engage in that way. And I just think it’s a way in which we naturally respond to each other. If you act with more confidence and self-worth, people are more likely to see you in that light and respond to you in that way.
Another related aspect to this tip of valuing yourself is to even take a moment to validate yourself when perhaps you’re turning to a loved one to seek validation. Again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting validation from someone you love or respect, but also, is there a moment that you can even recognize for yourself?
I said in that example to look at maybe things that went well during the day, and also look at ways in which you participated or contributed to that happening; there’s a recognition. Because what can happen sometimes in relationship – we’re looking for an aspect to be validated, but it might get overlooked or ignored because people have different things they pay attention to, they have different values, or even different outlooks… So there’s something that might have a lot of meaning for us, but if we don’t really take pause to recognize that, and either validate it ourselves, or really be specific about it with the person that we love, so that they can really tune into it.
Number seven – laugh easily. Now, I say this as something that we can do to be more lovable, and I think we all know that when someone’s in a more positive state, it tends to be attractive. People enjoy passion, enjoy the sense of play, and laughter, and enjoyment. That’s an attractive thing, it brings people close.
Now, with life and the daily rigor of work and chores and family life that might have a lot of demands, it can feel heavy, or even routine… So for you, you might wanna consider “What are the times when I am more available for laughter, or I’m able to feel lighter?” I know for me it’s when I can unplug from work and commitments and responsibilities, and really just be in the moment.
Now I can cultivate more of that presence by just mindfulness in general, but I can tell you, when I feel that there’s a little more expansiveness or space in my schedule, I feel more free and more present to be connected to others, and just more in joy.
As you’re listening, it might even be possible that you’re in a current phase where you don’t have a lot of space or capability to incorporate a lot of activities that you love. Maybe for whatever reason it’s challenging right now to invest in that… And I do think there’s a way to even zone in on “Is there an aspect of joy that I can cultivate in the things that I’m doing?”
I remember many years ago when I was in my masters program I was nannying for two different families. One family had two children, little ones; one was a real infant, and the other one was a toddler, and the other one was pretty much a toddler as well… They actually graduated from high school now, so it’s been a while… However, I remember the activity of even getting them to wash their hands was so arduous, and they didn’t enjoy it, and it was something they protested; and I remember thinking, “Okay, how do we make this fun? How do we make this enjoyable?” Part of it was singing a song, and that was something that they could feel a sense of play in, and it made it so much more enjoyable… And it shifted the attention from doing the task, and completing the task, and moving on, to relationship and connection and play, and being able to laugh more easily and enjoy the activity. It’s not an easy mental shift, but it can be profound in the quality of what it feels like… Whether or not it’s just going through the motions in one’s day, or really looking at “Is there a way to make this more pleasurable?”
My husband has shared with me on many occasions his favorite thing in a relationship is making me laugh… And when we’re in our work mode, and thinking about all the things we wanna accomplish, it can be more serious; and if we are in a place where we’re available for connecting, or we’re just more present, he will say things and do things that take me off-guard, or just are really clever, and I love to be able to just be free, to just respond openly, and with laughter… And I think he has said, again, on many occasions, it’s one of the things that brings him so much joy.
I encourage you, as you’re thinking about how to cultivate being more lovable, possibly considering how to cultivate more joy, more laughter in your daily routine.
Let’s recap today’s tips on how to be more lovable in relationship. Number three, get clear on your reason for giving. Find the value of what it is that your giving will do, either for yourself or your significant other, or whoever you’re giving to. Number four, turn towards your partner. When they bid for your attention, can you give them some level of response?
Number five, be there for your partner. Being accessible, responsive and engaged. Number six, value yourself. Maybe it’s simply acknowledging something that you invested in, put effort into, or had good intention around. You can acknowledge that, recognize that. It has value, it has meaning.
Number seven, laugh easily. Try to cultivate a state that you can generate an experience of more joy, and be more available for play, and laughter, and fun.
These are the tips that I have to share with you today on how to be more lovable in relationship. Again, this is part two. All of these things help your partner be inspired and be drawn towards you. And the more that you and your partner can really be present and engaged together, the more you’re going to be together, and be in relationship. And the more you can be in relationship, you can cultivate your connection… Again, that co-creative process of love, positivity and togetherness.
If you would like to access the show notes for this episode, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all of the episodes there; the most recent episodes are at the top.
Thank you for listening. I so enjoy spending this time with you. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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