ERP 170: How to Be More Lovable in Relationship, Part III
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 170, “How to be more lovable in relationship, Part Three.” If you missed part one and part two, I encourage you to check that out before listening to today’s episode. Part one is 167, and part two is 168. You can find those links on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes there.
Before we get started, I wanna invite you to join me in setting the intention for today’s conversation here on the Empowered Relationship podcast, and that is to gain support and resources to doing relationship well, investing in the quality of connection… And for most of us here on the show that are listening, care about having a high level of relationship, and having meaningful fulfillment, and connection, and love, and passion, and joy… And sometimes that can be difficult to achieve, because the development of a long-term partnership often has a terrain, if you will; I often say “The tricky terrain of long-lasting intimacy”, because most of us will be confronted with threat at times, or insecurity, or fear, or even old trauma and pain and wound from previous relationships, be it family upbringing or a past romantic relationship… And most of us will be surprised by the intensity of these emotions. I’m not gonna go into all the why’s and all that, because if you’ve listened to my show, I do talk a lot about that…
But again, the intention is for us to be more mindful and skillful in navigating this, and when we are confronted with this hardship, it’s not so much that we’re trying to eliminate the hardship, but that how we move through that hardship is the difference between having really high-level relationship or getting stuck in really destructive patterns… Therefore, one of the biggest intentions on this show is for you to feel better equipped, more prepared, where if you go into any difficulty, being able to feel more supported, more resourced is gonna be a huge game-changer… So I would love for you to just feel that you have resource in this show, as I offer tips and tools, I also interview other experts, and also have a wealth of material on my website (again, that’s DrJessicaHiggins.com) as well as coaching and programs.
So as we pivot our conversation to how to be more lovable, it can sound like on face value we are trying to please our partner by being more lovable… But if you’ve listened to part one and part two, or have been a listener to the Empowered Relationship Podcast show for any length of time, often times my goal is for mutual benefit, win/win. And when we look at how to be more lovable in relationship, recognizing that not only are we participating and cultivating more love in the relationship, co-creating more love, we are also improving our partner’s experience, or at least increasing the likelihood that they’re gonna have a positive experience if we’re being mindful of how we’re contributing to lovability in the way of interaction, and that we increase the likelihood that our partner is gonna respond favorably to us. So it’s essentially a win/win/win. We’re increasing the positivity and the benefit for the relationship, for our partner and for ourselves.
Recently, a friend loaned me her book, titled “Time Warrior”, by Steve Chandler. She loaned this book to me because she’s often heard me talk about my relationship to time, and that I often feel like there are so many things I wanna get done, and I often feel challenged around how to do it all… She gave me this book in hopes that it might support my growth process as I manage and prioritize and delegate and figure out how to be in a little bit more of an empowered position as it relates to time. As you can tell, this is one of my growth areas.
Well, one of the chapters I was reading — and the book is really great, because it’s literally a page or two per chapter, so it’s kind of fun and quick and easy, and you can reference it… But the principles in it are pretty profound, so it does provoke a lot of thought and contemplation… And some of it I’m familiar with, and again, I might know it, but do I actually live it is a different thing, so it’s good to have the reminder and to continue to work with the principle. So one of the things that I was reading was about how to focus on one thing at a time. If I’m focusing on five different projects, it’s really difficult to feel momentum with any of those five projects, and it often contributes to overwhelm, that then can decrease efficiency and any type of real great progress… And my friend was saying she was listening to another podcast – I think Amy Porterfield’s podcast about business development and strategy – and she was hearing a guest on that show talk about how difficult it is to kick five balls down a field, versus just one. The amount of progress we can make by kicking one ball down the field is tremendous; we can see that pretty clear. However, if we have five balls, then it’s really difficult to kick them all simultaneously down the field; it’s possible, but it’ll take a lot longer and may not be as direct or efficient.
So the idea is to prioritize what it is that you wanna focus on, and then really be present to that one thing. If I was focusing on “Okay, I’m driving to yoga, and that’s my thing right now”, that I was much more available to experience joy, or appreciate my surroundings, whether or not it’s appreciating the weather, or the mountains, or the ocean… Some of you know I live in Santa Barbara, California; I feel so, so grateful to live in this location, and the amount of natural beauty that exists here… But also just the people that I encounter, and it’s funny – I bring this up to share with you that typically I feel like I have pretty positive interactions with strangers throughout my day; I will look people in the eye, I tend to greet them, say hello… And when I get stuck in my head, or I’m super-focused on these five different things that I’m doing, I can be not as available and not as present, and people respond to me very differently; I’m talking complete strangers, that you would think have no pulse on me at all, yet I have noticed a remarkable difference in the last few days when I’ve been aware of this… People are genuinely smiling at me more.
It’s a long-winded way of saying that when we focus on some of the things I’m talking about in this series of how to be more lovable, there are multiple benefits, and it’s likely that your partner will respond with positivity. And again, as I mentioned, that supports the win/win/win; win for the relationship, win for your partner, and win for yourself.
And lastly, I’ll just say, these are aspirational. So as you’re listening, please don’t use this as a tool of judging yourself; as I’m commenting, I’m relearning, repracticing, deepening in my understanding in these, so it is something that we aspire towards and continue to work with… So when I invite you, again – these are intentions, these are aspirations and these are practices, something to be done over and over and over again.
Okay, let’s get started in today’s episode. I have tips 8 through 15 to share with you today. And again, this is gonna wrap up this series with part three. I’m not gonna take the time to recap part one and part two; I think that would just take a lot of time. So again, if you missed part one or part two, I wanna encourage you to check that out first, before listening to today’s episode.
Again, you can find those episodes on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes there. The most recent ones are at the top, and if you are using iTunes, Spotify, Google Play, Stitcher, any of your podcast players, you can also find it there.
Okay, tip number eight – be authentic, genuine and sincere. Often times, when we here the word “authentic”, we think of being real; almost the opposite of being fake, or even maybe lying. However, as I was also reading in Steve Chandler’s Time Warrior, he was sharing that the word “authentic” comes from the same root as “author”. Essentially, one acting on one’s own authority. And why I bring this up is because often times people will focus on pleasing their partner as the goal in relationship. “How can I help my partner be happy? What would make my partner feel good? How can I give?” Now, that’s a beautiful thing; I don’t wanna take anything away from that desire
But there’s a risk – if we are not connected to what’s true for our ourselves, we can lose ourselves. This is where I really appreciate David Scharch’s work. He wrote “Passionate Marriage”, “Intimacy, Love and Desire”, and I will put those links on today’s show notes. His basic premise – and he has a lot of principles to offer, but one of this big takeaways is how to be differentiated, how to grow up and be mature in relationship; that requires the difficult task of holding on to yourself, even if your partner has a different idea or a different opinion that might seem conflictual – where they might even not like you in the moment – and how to hold on to yourself, how to not abandon yourself to try to have harmony in the relationship.
Now, there’s a nuance to this – if you imagine a spectrum, on one end, we’re not about being self-centered, and “It’s my way or the high way” and really being domineering; and we’re not about the self-effacing or being so overly concerned about the other person that we lose ourself. Neither end of that spectrum is really functional or healthy. We wanna strive for some mutual beneficial place, where both people’s needs matter and are equally as important. And again, that’s not easy to strike, because often times in relationship, as John Gottman talks about, we’re going to have 7-8 irreconcilable differences in relationship. Again, that’s the person that’s on time, the person that’s late, the person that’s clean, the person that is messy, or the spender and the saver, extrovert/introvert, those types of things. I can go on and on. Those things are more personality, and are likely not to change. But it’s how people hold on to themselves and be in a place of negotiation for that win/win – that’s where couples can really have successful, long-lasting dynamics that are mutually fulfilling.
So when we look at being authentic, it has to come from at least a starting place of what is it that I want right now? This is a question that I do my best to remind myself about, even with simple things, whether or not it’s “What do I wanna have for dinner?” If I’m about to approach a conversation or my husband asks me what I want, if we’re not conscious of this, it can be an easy defer. “Well, whatever you wanna eat”, or “I don’t really care.” That’s totally fine from time to time, but if that’s the general tendency, then we’re likely out of touch with what matters to us and what is true for us, so we do encourage some pause and some effort into “What would I love? What is it that wanna do today?” Perhaps it’s a weekend. Or “Do I wanna have sex?” Sometimes we will look at our partner and question “Are they interested in sex? Do they wanna have sex? Are they in a good place?” We’re trying to assess their availability before we even claim or own that we do wanna have sex. We let our assumed assessment of our partner be the determining factor of whether I initiate or not… Which, that can get pretty tricky. David Schnarch calls this “gridlock.” Both partners are so overly focused on each other that they don’t show up in this authentic, and it’s not real, so there’s all this stuff to untangle, and it gets super-stuck, super-messy… So there’s so much relief when we can be ourselves. And it is more vulnerable, it is way more exposing, and it’s the more rewarding path.
I think one of the examples in David Schnarch’s book – I wanna say this is “The Passionate Marriage” book, but I’m not entirely sure, don’t quote me… But he’s talking about a simple hike in the woods, that perhaps one partner really wants to go fast, and the other one wants to go slow. Now, that in and of itself is okay; that might be one of those differences that just is… However, it can evoke a lot of pain, particularly maybe in this example for the one that is moving a little slower. “You left me! Where did you go?” That type of thing.
Part of what David Schnarch is encouraging is that people really do hold on to themselves and they find some way to negotiate… Whether or not we walk part of the way together and then part of the way maybe I forge ahead and then I wait for you… There’s lots of ways to do this. I actually experienced this with my husband last night; he was pretty fired up about something, and I could tell that he really wanted to go fast; I was doing my best to match his pace, and I commented maybe halfway through, I’m like “You’re setting a strong pace. I feel like you just wanna run up the mountain.” He’s like “I do.” So he just charged ahead. I think that simple acknowledgment was like “Yeah, he’s gonna go for it.”
I had done a pretty strong Yoga Sculpt class, which is yoga with weights, a little earlier that day, so I could tell my legs were tired… And I was okay; I just was like “I’m not gonna force myself to try to match his pace.” He went a little faster, but within a few minutes we were at the top and we adjoined again, and then we were making our way down and we were together… So it was really a nice place to just be who you are, and it was okay; we could find a way to flow together.
The ways that I’m talking about it is it’s a rather simple thing, but it can, again, evoke a lot of vulnerability and a lot of threat. Will my partner be okay with me wanting to forge ahead? Will my partner be okay with me going slower? Will it cause conflict? There’s a lot that gets involved in this, so I just wanna invite that while it might sound simple, it can evoke a lot of intensity, and there’s a lot to be learned in that.
The other thing I wanna just say about this point is that this is where real relationship occurs. The other thing that David Schnarch talks to us about is when we can really find that place where we hold on to ourselves and two people are doing that and are differentiated, meaning they’re able to define themselves in relationship, there’s a sense of interdependency. It’s not total dependency, and it’s not total autonomy; it’s this middle ground where we hold on to ourselves, and then we meet and share in relationship.
What he has found is that is the place that continues to ignite passion, and excitement, and juice. There’s a little bit of friction, but we’re being real, so it contributes to a real sense of relationship, connection, actual seeing each other for what is really real. And that’s exciting. I think it’s also a huge complement to the trust and the safety of the bond, as well; you can be real and you can be who you are.
A few weeks ago my husband and I had a small dinner gathering with just a few other couples, and one of the biggest compliments that I felt from that evening is these two couples felt great permission to just come as they were… And they were speaking about just feeling that they knew they were welcomed; one woman – she didn’t have a chance to fully do her hair… I commented around like, I knew it was okay, and I just felt like there was such a genuine love in that that she was accepted, and there was no needing to feel pressure to present in a particular way… And again, I really feel that that sets the stage for a more depth of connection and real bonding.
Number nine – be values-driven. This promotes a sense of personal integrity. When we are in that integrity, I do feel that it allows for people to trust us more and to build more consistency and reliability in the relationship.
Even when we watch our partner demonstrate integrity with others, that can promote a sense of lovability and positivity, and feelings of good will. Of course, we want our significant other to treat us with that integrity first and foremost; our inner circle, that’s really well taken care of… But it does also show up when we witness our partner being generous or kind to others.
One of the examples that popped up in my mind when I thought about this topic was when my husband – this was about a year ago – had known a mutual friend of ours was moving, a couple… And I had some plans for the day, so I was gone, and I remember I was helping a friend out, actually walked her dog, and I had called to check in with my husband (I think it was a Sunday), and he said “Yeah, I just got back.” And I was like, “Oh, really? Where did you go?” and he said, “I ended up helping these friends of ours.” I was like, “You did?!” I didn’t even know that they were in need of such help, but they had gotten a pod that was on the street, and he was able to help the husband of this couple, and it was just the two of them really carrying some heavy furniture, and they really did need a lot of help… And my husband just offered. Again, a little contact directly with my husband, but he just had heard through the grapevine, and then really initiated offering help, and they took him up on it.
The other thing that I see my husband do often, which always touches me, is that he will pick up trash. I know it seems like a simple thing, but it’s this care for the environment. He’s picking up someone else’s trash, and it’s not the most fun thing or cleanly thing and enjoyable thing, but he will pick up trash as we’re leaving the beach, or if we’re on a hike… He will carry it, and it just touches me that he has that care, and he’s looking out, and extending that goodwill and generosity. It’s such a good role model, actually. I feel that I do it, but I’m not always conscious of it, so when I see him do it, I’m like “Oh, yeah, that’s good. I wanna do that, too.”
When we see our partners show up with moral compass and integrity, it does generate a sense of positivity, trust, goodwill, that helps us feel a sense of belief in our partner’s character.
Strength of character – I wanna say a few more things about this… This is when it’s not easy, when it’s not convenient, but we do it because it’s aligned with our values. I have a dear friend of mine I’ve known since I was seven, and she’s so committed and so focused on her highest values, I think most of which is her family, her closest friends… And I have heard her comment several times in regards to an invitation or something she’s done for one of her children, or even just her larger family – she will show up. And she’ll show up because it’s in alignment with her highest values; with family, and her inner people.
It might not be convenient, it might be more of an expense as far as her time, or money, or whatever they ask of her, that she’s willing to do it because it’s what it’s gonna invest in her higher values. So it’s almost like she’s depositing in those highest-value bank accounts, and she knows the benefit of that; she wants that to be very strong. She wants those balances to be high in those accounts, so she’s very conscientious of this. I think it’s a beautiful thing.
Truthfully, if I look at my highest values of health, relationship, personal growth, being of service, I don’t remember any time that I would regret investing in those things… And if we look at it, it’s not always easy, saying yes or doing the thing that is asked of us. I’d say for the last 6-9 months, maybe even a year now, I’ve been getting up at 5:20 AM to get to a 6 AM yoga class… And I remember somewhere along the line my husband commenting, “I don’t know how you do it…” And it was interesting, because in the beginning it was a little difficult. I was like, “Ugh, it’s dark, it’s cold, and I don’t wanna get up” or “I’m tired”, or whatever the strain of it was… However, over time it seemed as though my commitment got me up out of bed. It was almost effortless, surprisingly to say; I was so committed, but also zoned in on the investment of my health and my well-being, and how good it feels to start my day with yoga, and also knowing that I got my essential workout in for the day.
When I was writing the notes for this, it reminded me of the TED talk that I’ve seen by Mel Robbins; some you may know who she is… The title of the TED talk is “How to stop screwing yourself over.” She essentially offers this 5-4-3-2-1 countdown that “Don’t give yourself an opportunity to go mental and argue with yourself.” If you’re gonna deliberate on the short-term, you’re gonna wanna stay in bed, because it’s cozy, and you wanna get more sleep, and it feels good. Getting up out of bed actually feels difficult and feels painful and feels hard; so if you deliberate that, it’s likely that staying in bed is gonna win over, because you’re more focused on the immediate. But if you focus on the long-term, like “How great I’m gonna feel after doing a yoga class” or whatever it is that you might be getting up early for, then it’s already decided. You don’t have to go back and forth. And as I said, it just kind of got me up, like “I’m doing this.”
The last thing I wanna say about being values-driven and being in a place of practicing integrity is being accountable to yourself, your own behavior. This may lend to if you have to renegotiate an agreement – yeah, typically we wanna follow through on any agreement we make… But if for whatever reason we’re caught in a bind or we need to renegotiate that because we can’t fulfill it, being able to be proactive about that… And then possibly looking at how to make it right; whether or not it’s I double-booked myself with a friend, and I basically give her some alternate times, or whatever it is that I look for offering something to make amends or to have it be a win/win… Because really striving for — I want this to feel good for the other person, as well as it to feel good for myself.
Tip number ten for how to be more lovable in relationship – set boundaries. When we talk about engaging in being more authentic, authoring your life, coming from a place that’s really true and genuine, and also being clued in and focused on what your highest values are, so that you can invest your time, energy and resources accordingly… That does require us to set boundaries. We don’t have unlimited time, we don’t have unlimited resources, so we wanna be aware of what we’re willing to invest in, and also participate in.
It might seem counter-intuitive to think that we need to set boundaries with our significant other, yet it is extremely important, as these boundaries help your partner know you better, be in more relationship with you… Where you might feel uncomfortable, or unsafe, or have issue with. For many years I have had the personal commitment and the investment in my highest value – one of my highest values of relationship, personally – that I am not willing to engage in nasty back and forth fighting.
I’ve been there, I have done that where there’s such damage to the bond and one another, where I might participate in delivering cutting remarks or really snide comments of verbal attacks, and I’ve also been on the receiving end of that… And it really, in my opinion, results to nothing but further escalation and further pain… As I have been around the block enough to know that it usually comes from a place of pain and people are reacting. So I have made my decision long ago that I’m not gonna do that, because there’s a lot of damage control that’s required after that, and then trust gets broken, and feelings are hurt, and I just don’t see the benefit of it.
This does require a disengagement of a conversation if it’s starting to get heated, or if I feel that I’m starting to lose my temper, that I will take a break, I will calm down, and I will revisit when things are at a better place… When both my husband and I are in a more calm, centered place. And it’s not easy. But I’ll tell you again, as I was mentioning earlier, it’s hard in the moment, but the long-term payoff of it is something I’m way more interested in, and have much more commitment to. So it’s just kind of a boundary that I’ve had.
And also setting limits if my husband is kind of escalating in his frustration and anger, that I have limits to that. I’m not willing to be a punching bag; and not that he would want that, but in those heated moments where he’s feeling that intensity, the impulse might be to discharge some of that, where I might feel attacked. So if there’s no limits and boundaries, that can often go awry.
I think these limits do offer respect. Respect for the relationship, respect for oneself and respect for their significant other… Because I do believe that if I were to let my husband let loose on me, I think that it would impact him; I think he’d feel guilty about it, and why would I allow him to hurt me for my own self-respect, but also just human to human, why would I engage in an interaction where he’s gonna cause harm and he’s gonna have to feel bad about it and want to repair that. Because look, the alternative here would be to grin and bear it, so to speak, and let our partner speak to us in ways that are unkind, and then feel resentful about it, bitter about it, hurt about it, and possibly even want to retaliate or punish our partner, or it creates that negative cycle where it can lead to really unhealthy, toxic and even traumatic incidences. So setting boundaries is essential.
When I think of boundaries, I often think this is really important in the initial stages of relationship, when two people are getting to know each other… But I will say I even appreciate hearing where my husband’s limits and boundaries are even to this day, and we’ve been together for 13+ years… And it allows me to know him better; know what’s real for him, what’s true for him, and that allows me to connect with him more, feel him more, and just helps deepen in our relationship… Because I do wanna help him, I do want him to feel good. And I say this to mention that I think in life this is a constant evolving process. I might recognize some things that don’t work for me or that I’m not comfortable with, that are new, as my husband. So this isn’t a one-time thing; it’s something to continue to keep track of, and be conscious of, and communicative about.
Tip number eleven – listen. It’s such a profound gift to feel heard and to feel seen, and even possibly validated. And more importantly, that gift is extra-special when it’s our significant person. And yet, it is so incredibly easy to get comfortable, to get assumptive, and even caught up in the routines of day in and day out living, that we forget to really have a beginner’s mind with our partner, meaning that we see them with fresh eyes; we see something new, we look for what is true now, not assuming that it’s the same as what it was.
This is also tricky because just as humans we tend to be wrapped up in our own mind, and that could be focused on our to-do list, our tasks, or our needs, our preferences, and be in the more “me, me, me” mindset, without even realizing it.
With this tip, the invitation is to take time and try to deeply listen and grasp what your partner’s experiencing. That’s listening not only with your ears, but also with your eyes, recognizing their posture, their non-verbal communication, possibly their mood, and what they’re saying, and just trying to absorb it in a place of real, again, deep listening and wonderment. That does take a shift, and I’ll tell you, there’s times where I have to really focus on doing this, because I’m more caught up in what the agenda is, and my husband might be telling a story and his pacing or cadence might be slower than I’m wanting, and it forces me to shift out of the efficiency mode or taskmaster mode and really be with him, be in relationship with him… And this is easy to lose sight of. So again, this is something I know you’re familiar with, but it’s a reminder.
The last thing I’ll say about this tip number eleven is John Gottman talks about in his principle number four is allowing your partner to have influence on you. So when we deeply listen, not only are we understanding what they’re sharing, perhaps what they’re feeling or experiencing, but there’s a depth of listening that provides a little more learning; that if we allow ourselves to open up to, we can more deeply absorb and be influenced by. That impact is powerful. Our partner gets to feel that they made a difference in our lives.
Or conversely, that if we are sharing something with our partner and the fact that they listen, maybe not even in that moment, but maybe a day later or a week later or at some future date, that they took in your impact and they were influenced by that. It’s a level of being able to make a difference to the person that means the most to us.
I’m gonna pick up the pace a little bit here, recognizing the time, so I can get through these last few. I thought I had 15, but it looks like I actually have 14, so we have three more left.
Number twelve – communicate. Now, I could do a whole series on this in and of itself, but communication – when we hear that, we often think about “Are you able to articulate yourself when you have an issue, and how clear are you able to identify your concern?” Yes, communication when there’s difficulty and conflict is essential, and communication is equally, if not even more important, around positivity. John Gottman talks about having a positive sentiment override; that the interactions are more positive. And it’s not even just equally or more than equal. Often times when he’s talking about couples that are successful and how they manage conflict, they’re still operating at five positives to one negative.
Investing in the positive bank account, if you will, with your significant other, is so important… Because when things get strained, you have a lot more to rely on; you have resources. It’s like your nest egg you can dip into if needed, and it allows us to have much more benefit of the doubt and much more grace with one another if we have some of that buffer to rely on.
Some ways that we may be able to communicate positivity is simply with the nonverbals. Having kind eyes, soft eyes. How often do you look at your partner with kind, soft eyes? That loving gaze… That gaze neurologically signals something beautiful in the connection between two individuals. There’s even a research study where two strangers were asked to sit a couple feet apart and gaze into one another’s eyes for about three minutes. And they surveyed these individuals, and it was really remarkable about how close they felt to one another, how much affinity and warm regard… And having never met each other, and not even exchanging in any type of conversation; just the eye gaze. The soft, kind, gentle eyes. Just even making good eye contact can allow your partner to feel important, to feel acknowledged and valued. Or simply a smile.
For me, it’s one of my favorite things when my husband genuinely smiles at me. I feel my whole internal world light up with joy. Literally, I have this full-on physiological effect when I see him smile.
Think about it – maybe there’s a time in your life where you’ve been going about your business and someone just smiled at you very genuinely. The impact that that has – we are wired up to respond to one another, to be in relationship… So there’s something really registering in us when we can feel that positive expression. And yes, under the topic of communication, it is important to acknowledge your feelings, when you’re feeling difficulty and how you address that with your partner. Are you able to get clear on what’s going on for you and your vulnerable, core emotions? Now, that’s not easy work to do… I know I’ve talked about that in previous podcasts; it’s part of the curriculum that I offer in my courses and I also facilitate in my coaching work… So if you struggle with this, I wanna encourage you to get support in one way or another, because it does determine the quality of your interaction. It really does set up that conversation for resolve, win/win, real connection, and being able to get through the other side, rather than getting stuck in these repetitive, conflictual, never-ending patterns.
I will say one other thing about communication that John Gottman does also reference – how important it is to start a conversation in a gentle way. So if you have issue with your significant other, rather than waiting for it to build, or ignoring your feelings until they start bubbling up and you don’t even have control over them, if you can do the work to get clear, then when you approach your significant other hopefully you can do it in a little more gentle, even way… That way, it allows your partner to pay attention and attend to the message that you’re sending them.
This helps them feel safe to connect with your hardship and where you go when X, Y and Z happens… Rather than if you do let your emotions bubble up and run over, they’re probably gonna be more aware of your intense emotion and be distracted by that, and be bracing and trying to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed or even possibly attacked.
Tip number 13 – be grateful. Gratitude is thought to be one of the highest vibration states. When we are in gratitude, we are much more likely to be appreciative, value and really acknowledge the beauty in our life and our significant other… And how pleasant is that to be around? I know that when I am in gratitude, I feel my heart, and I feel connected to the moment, to my surroundings, and to my loved ones, and I know that people enjoy that when I’m in that state. I think it’s one of the things my husband loves most about me, is when I’m in my heart and when I am in that gratitude and appreciative state.
This is easy to cultivate when things are going well… Or as I mentioned, living in a location that’s so gorgeous. I think I was overwhelmed on Wednesday morning; I was playing beach volleyball, and I literally almost felt moved to tears around like “I really get to live here?” And as I mentioned, I think that this has been something that people have seen as attractive. As I said, people have been responding to me with a lot more friendliness and engagement, and I do think it’s this vibration of gratitude and appreciation, that it just vibrates, and people respond to it. So it is one way to cultivate being more lovable.
Again, one of the ways that I think I generated this was focusing on one thing at a time. Being in the moment and focusing on the thing that I’m doing, rather than being preoccupied. So yeah, I can live in a really beautiful location and I can not appreciate it if I’m super-distracted, or focused on a million other things. That’s not actually appreciating and being in that gratitude state. And even when things are difficult… We’ve all heard stories – tragic, horrific stories of people who have to endure awful, awful circumstances, and yet there’s a significant mindset in being able to have power over what they’re able to be grateful for and what they’re able to be attentive to… And gratitude is one of the most direct and powerful ways to do that. Possibly, there’s something you can do to incorporate more gratitude into your day or into your week, that feels genuine and heartfelt.
The last tip that I’m offering you today is tip number fourteen on how to be more lovable, and that is to keep it fresh. Do something unexpected. Change it up. Again, if you notice a constant routine in your dynamic in your partnership, possibly flip it. Do something different. If you’re always the one initiating, perhaps be a little more passive. Or perhaps if you guys always go out to dinner, maybe make dinner. Or possibly take up something new together, where you can learn something and where you’re both exploring creativity together in some way.
Dr. Dan Siegel talks about doing something new is the quickest way to infuse a boost of feel-good neurochemicals; feelings of excitement, closeness, attraction in your relationship is to do something new together. Learn together. And again, this engages the neurochemical of dopamine that brings that sense of high when doing something new together, so it’s a really great, quick way to infuse some of that juicy excitement into your relationship if you feel like you’ve been in a little bit of like a comfortable rut.
One way to do this is also to be playful. I mentioned that in the last podcast, part two of “How to be more lovable in relationship.” This does require a bit of vulnerability, of maybe looking silly or feeling a little stupid, but it does change things up… And if you’re willing to follow that creative flow, it can be, again, a little silly and uncomfortable, but it does provide that opportunity to get that boost of something new, and that sense of excitement together with your significant other.
One of the things that I love the most is having inside jokes with my husband, or funny moments, or playful interactions that we can continue to reference and enjoy. I had a client that I was working with and he lamented about his wife’s discomfort from being willing to play with him, in many different ways… And as I was listening to him talk, I was like “It sounds like you really kind of wanna do some level of impromptu with her. You really look for that expanding and entering into new territory and maybe being creative, and putting stuff out there, like you would in improv… And to feel her creative energy, that allows for something to build and something new to get created.”
I don’t know if you’ve ever been to improv, but when my husband and I lived in Boulder, Colorado, there was this really great, beautiful theater group called Playback Theater. I think it’s a national organization. What was really cool about this – it had a personal growth element, and there was different levels and different theater interactions that they would do, but the whole point was to engage the audience, and essentially play back what the audience was telling them… So on a really basic, fun, icebreaker level it would be like “Okay, give me two contrasting emotions.” It might be “Excited – I’m gonna start a new job. I’m excited and I’m scared”, so that they would play that out in different variations of different things that people were experiencing, and two contrasting emotions.
Then it would evolve into someone sharing a more personal story. Now, it could be something really sad, about something they’re experiencing in their life, or it could be something really joyful, but something really deep and meaningful would end up getting shared. Then the actors would act out the story and play it back. Now, there’d been a few times where my husband and I went; some would be hysterical, others were really moving and touching… So it was really beautiful, but basically, before our eyes, we got to see something get creative, where people were willing to put themselves out there, be creative… And again, these people had a little more comfortability in putting themselves out there; they felt comfortable being on stage and exercising this skill. But even in relationship, there’s something really beautiful that can get created when we’re willing to play outside the comfort zones a little bit, and put ourselves out there, be creative, and something new might emerge.
Okay, in summary – tip number eight, be authentic. Tip number nine, be values-driven, which promotes personal integrity. Number ten – set boundaries. Eleven – listen; deeply listen. Number twelve, communicate. Number thirteen, be grateful, and number fourteen, keep it fresh.
Thank you for listening to today’s episode. Again, this is 170, “How to be more lovable in relationship, Part III.” You can access today’s show notes on my website, that’s DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes there. You can also find the ways to reach me on the Contact page. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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