ERP 171: How to Deal With Manipulation In Relationship
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 171, “How to deal with a manipulative parent.” Today I’m answering a listener’s question… But before we get started, I want to set the tone with you, if you’re willing to join me in visualizing and setting the intention in your heart, mind and gut, as we embark on these conversations together, and particularly in this episode.
My intention that I’m setting for the Empowered Relationship Podcast is that we are joining together in how to do relationship more successfully. By success I mean that we are in our integrity, that we’re in our authenticity, that we’re showing up and revealing what’s true, knowing that’s vulnerable and sometimes unpleasant and scary, and sometimes feels shameful at time, given the hardship and trauma and difficulty we may have experienced growing up, and in previous relationships.
As we show up and as we reveal, we are more available for relationship. And as we show up for relationship, we are increasing the likelihood of more safety, more bond, more connection. Our partner gets to see us, and hopefully they’re also doing this work as well. As your partner can also bring themselves more fully, you will also be able to receive them and be with them and hold that space for them as you connect with what they bring.
Again, if you’ve listened to previous podcasts, you know that sometimes things will get activated or triggered in relationship, and we wanna change the paradigm around that. That in and of itself initially sometimes feels like a threat; however, if we can change that paradigm, there’s something here to be learned. There’s some teaching in this.
So many times people think that if we have conflict in relationship, then that means something’s wrong with us, or something’s wrong with you, or something’s wrong with me… And that that conflict is labeled bad. But as we try to increase our consciousness or our awareness around what that is revealing to us, those challenges and those difficulties can be opportunity for growth, and that it’s how we deal with them that determines the level of success. That’s more of a growth mindset, if you will.
There are so many opportunities in relationship to grow ourselves and to grow our relationship. Again, sometimes it might feel extremely challenging, threatening and scary… And again, it also provides that opportunity for more strength, more integrity, more wholeness individually and in relationship, to feel that ecstasy of connection, and joy, romance, and passion that we all long for.
As we enter into conversations on this podcast, knowing that it’s all in the intention for that type of growth, and that we know growth is an incremental one baby step after another, and sometimes that path of success doesn’t look like a forward motion. Sometimes it looks like one step forward, two steps back. One step to the right and one step to the left. Five steps forward. It’s this weaving, but the trajectory overall is this upward spiral, upward trend. If we’re staying focused, we’re saying yes, we’re learning into the opportunities and we’re doing the work, that we are feeling that progress.
As I’m saying this, I recognize that often times we need guide, we need support along the way. On this podcast I offer tips, tools and resources, things that I bring from my experience, training and education, as well as featuring other experts in the field. I also answer listeners’ questions, like I’m doing today, and I also occasionally do live laser coaching for people that want to be coached on the show. I actually have somebody that signed up to do that, so stay tuned for that in the next few episodes.
There are also books and other self-help tools referenced on this show in the way of articles, videos, and again, books. And if you’re interested in further deepening your practice, I encourage you to possibly consider engaging in a program, a course, of even coaching; if you notice you’re running up against the same patterns and are looking for some support to help you overcome those blocks.
You can find resources on my website, as well as how to contact me. My website can be found at DrJessicaHiggins.com. On the website you can also find podcast show notes. Today’s episode, again, is 171, “How to deal with a manipulative parent.” You can find all the podcasts under the link Podcasts, in the top menu. All the episodes are there, and the most recent one is at the top.
Let’s get started in today’s episode. I just wanna say too, I was really hoping to get this episode out last week, and unfortunately I had hurt my neck in some way. My husband and I had a four-day getaway planned, that we were really excited about, and the day before I was getting ready to record, and again, I had this pain in my neck, and I was having issues, and I just chose to not fight it. So here I am, several days later, recording and getting this episode to you, so thank you for your patience.
I also have selected a podcast company to work with, so I’m really hoping that that’s gonna help support me in being a little more consistent with these episodes. I will say that my neck pain unfortunately proceeded and increased. I have never felt so much pain in my neck, and I was really debilitated. I was pretty limited, and in a lot of pain… And unfortunately, it was what neither one of my husband and I had planned for, and yet it ended up being super-special, and revealing a lot of really beautiful, special things that I don’t know that we would have encountered otherwise.
So to the point of my intention of this podcast, I have said in previous episodes and continue to share with you that I and my husband are very committed to these principles and practices, and I am in this with you. So I chose not to take Advil, and I really stayed present, and the way that my husband was able to show up, and what we were able to learn in the process of being present with each other, and what we experienced on the trip together – it was really profound and very special… So I really do think these principles work. I stand behind them personally, professionally, and I just invite you to consider anything that feels like it resonates, and just try it out for yourself.
Let’s get started in today’s episode. Again, this is episode 171, “How to deal with a manipulative parent.” This listener writes:
“First of all, thank you so much for doing the podcast. I have been learning so much about relationships and how to better improve my own. My question is about family and parents.
Some background on my situation. I have told my very religious parents that I am moving out of the house. My boyfriend and I have found a place together and decided that our next step in our very committed relationship is to live together. I am 30 years old.
My parents (mostly my mother) had a fit. She went on and on about how I am not “doing things the right way” and that she and everyone in her family disapproves. I told her that I was confident in my decision and I understand that she will not approve, but it is my decision. I also told her I never meant to hurt her. She has been crying and posting a lot of religious content on her social media. She’s also been posting sad photos of her looking upset.
I see that this is emotional manipulation and this is something I have had to deal with my whole life, hence the final push to move and get some space from my family.
So my question is, what is the best way to deal with emotional manipulative parents? “
I wanna thank this listener for submitting this question. I did follow up with her as she’s been waiting quite a while for this response. Unfortunately, I lost her e-mail in the shuffle, and when I followed up with her, she said things were going really well with her boyfriend, but that she continues to struggle with her mother, and things have escalated, so she’s still really interested in this response.
So even though this question originates from a parent-child dynamic, I do think the principles that I’m gonna be referencing do fit in any relationship, even couplehood and intimacy.
Today I’m gonna start the conversation just getting a little bit of a sense of what we’re talking about when we refer to manipulation. Then I’m going to give some examples of types of manipulation. Then I have six tips to offer in how to deal with manipulative behavior.
Manipulation can be defined as the act of trying to get someone to do something consciously or subconsciously. Typically, when we use the word manipulative, or manipulation, we are thinking of that as a bad thing; something that’s really problematic. As this listener was describing, she’s experiencing her mother use ways of relating that inflict or provoke a sense of guilt. And I don’t know the whole story, but there’s a lot of techniques or strategies that her mother either unconsciously or consciously is engaging in to try to feel some sense of power over her daughter. That is an important distinction – power over. Because I look at human nature and I think about myself and what’s typical – many of us engage in relationship that could be perceived as manipulative, but possibly not toxic manipulation. It’s the attempt to persuade somebody, or have influence. It’s a matter of degrees.
On one end of the spectrum perhaps we might argue our point of view with our significant other, or we’re attempting to describe and illustrate to our significant other so that they understand us. That’s an attempt to try to get your partner to see your perspective. So by the very definition of trying to get someone to do something, having your partner understand you or empathize with you or get your perspective is perhaps in this definition a manipulative tactic… We wouldn’t deem that as problematic, but there is subtlety to this; it’s a matter of degrees. Because if we are so heavily attached to getting our partner to see our perspective and we work really hard at that, that can feel like it edges over into what feels problematic. It’s forceful. It’s domineering. There’s a sense of power, or maybe even using guilt.
I was talking with some clients last week, and she was really funny – she was sharing about an interaction with her significant other, and she was sharing “Yes, I raise my hand and I acknowledge that I used some form of language that I don’t feel good about. I was talking about 99% of people, and I was flooding the room with all these other people”, and recognized that that was a way in which she was trying to amplify her perspective, but by means of aligning herself with the majority of people, which tends to convey this sense of being right.
As we explored this a little further, she did say “Yes, I was starting to feel anxious, I was starting to feel some level of fear, and it was escalating for me. My emotion was ratcheting up and I was starting to feel a sense of needing to reach for other sources of power.” So we do do this in relationship.
Another example that’s pretty typical is a teenager who is wanting to go out on a school night. Perhaps it’s a special event, perhaps a friend’s birthday party, and is talking to his parents about all the reasons why it’s okay. “I’ve got my homework done, I don’t have any big tests tomorrow”, and all the reasons why. There’s a boundary, and he is trying to negotiate; he’s trying to get what he wants, and get his parents to allow him the permission to go out later than what is currently agreed upon.
Now, this could be done in a way that’s really seen as advocating. “Here’s something I really want, here’s all the reasons why. I wanna negotiate. Is there a space that we can do this, or work this out, or have a mutual agreement?” And then there’s a way that this could be done in a manipulative way. Perhaps attempting to use guilt, or leveraging by being really aggressive, or trying to have power over, or getting outside of one’s personal space and trying to get into the other person’s space… Like, “You’re terrible parents. You never let me do what I want.” Kids are like this sometimes; they’re learning, and they’re developing, so I don’t even mean to say that kids that might use these tactics are manipulative and bad. I’m just trying to talk about the behavior, that there is a different between advocating, trying to get what you want, trying to get somebody to work with you and have influence over someone else, and then there’s a point where it’s manipulative and problematic. Again, this is a matter of degree.
Another example that comes to mind is an attorney. Attorneys by profession are trained to be persuasive, to have influence, to convey facts and to ask questions that support an argument. At the same time, there’s limits and bounds to that. For example, an attorney might be asked to rephrase the question if they’re leading the witness, or something to that effect. Again, we’re talking about degrees.
Often times people when they’re resorting to manipulative behavior, are resorting to control tactics, especially when they’re feeling scared or afraid. They don’t trust that someone’s gonna engage with them in a safe way, so they get aggressive. They get pushy and they get critical. Or even worse, they use mental distortion, emotional exploitation to gain power and control. This is where I think we tend to then label this type of behavior as manipulative, and this is where the bad and problematic association comes into play, because no one wants to feel controlled, guilt-tripped, coerced, exploited, or made to feel crazy to do something. That just feels horrible.
When people grow up in particularly unhealthy and painful environments, they often learn to cope in dysfunctional ways. They have to learn how to survive in a dysfunctional system, so they learn to adapt, but often times it appears very dysfunctional because it’s not a healthy system. As Dr. Lisa Firestore was talking with us about narcissism, and she was talking about the personality structure that often gets developed early on in life, and often times they grew up with a narcissistic parent… So some of these more extreme experiences that lend to personality disorders or mental health issues come from deep-seated patterns.
It’s as though the ego structure, the personality development is on a foundation that is dysfunctional, hence the ego structure or the development of the personality is on false beliefs or false truths… And as Dr. Lisa Firestone was discussing on the episode where she was interviewed, this deeper work, getting at the deeper underpinnings, the foundational structure, as well as the relational imprint really needs to be addressed. This isn’t easy work, a lot of the time. I got some feedback about that episode that narcissism doesn’t shift, or people who are narcissistic don’t change… And that can often be the case. As she was discussing, if people are able to really do this deeper work, there is possibility. If you’re interested in that episode, I will make sure to put the link on today’s show notes for easy access.
In an article titled “12 failures of highly manipulative people” by Preston Ni – this was published on Psychology Today. Now, I’m gonna list what he is describing here, and I just wanna say that on this episode and any other episode, it’s not intended to be a comprehensive list, so if you’re really interested in exploring more, I encourage you to check out this article, maybe do some of your own research, or seek a support of a psychologist or a therapist or a trained coach that can assist you in navigating some of this complicated, really difficult terrain when dealing with someone who resorts to manipulative behavior.
Okay, so Preston Ni – he’s identifying some types of manipulation that I think are really common. I’m listing a couple here. One is negative manipulation. This is designed to gain superiority by causing the person to feel inferior, inadequate, insecure or self-doubting. Some examples of this are persistent negative judgment and criticism, maybe even public berating, shaming, humiliating, hostile humor, sarcasm, negative surprises, peer pressure, social exclusion, silent treatment, and withholding intimacy.
Another category – positive manipulation. Designed to bribe the victim emotionally to win favors, concessions, sacrifices and/or commitments. Some examples of this are insincere flattery, appeals to vanity and ego, promising professional social and romantic acceptance, but with a catch/strings attached. Fake professional or social closeness, offering help/support/rewards with the expectation to cash in on disproportionate reciprocation.
A third category – deception and intrigue. Designed to distort the perception of the victim for easier control. This is lying, excuse-making, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization. Deforming the truth, mixed messages to keep the victim off-balance; strategic disclosure, or withholding key information, exaggerating, and conveying only one-sided aspects of the issue.
Two more categories of manipulation I wanna mention here… The fourth is strategic helplessness, designed to exploit the victim’s goodwill, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation or protective and nurturing instinct. Examples of this might be playing weak, powerless, the underdog, the martyr, using sad stories and challenges to gain sympathy, support, or allowances from responsibility; dramatizing hardship to elicit guilt-based preferential treatment.
The last category is hostility and abuse. Designed to dominate, control the victim through overt aggression. This is bullying, using tantrums, duress, intimidation, physical abuse, emotional/mental/sexual/financial abuse, brain-washing, harmful rules and oppressive constraints.
As I mentioned earlier, unfortunately parents who use these manipulative tactics, consciously or unconsciously, often grew up in highly controlling, often manipulating environments themselves. People who grow up in some of these environments might reference having endured an alcoholic environment, or a drug-addicted environment. They also might have had a parent that struggled with mental health issues, like we were just talking about, narcissism… Or possibly there was micro-managing happening, or a lack of freedom of speech, or had no voice growing up.
With all of this description, trying to hold perspective, that again, there is degrees. Perhaps on one end of the continuum there is the desire to have influence, the desire to persuade even. And as we progress and up-level the degrees of manipulation, we can enter into those more toxic forms; I listed many different types. We’re using power, we’re using distortion, we’re using even aggression to control someone else.
Even in the more extreme, manipulative behavior, I’m also commenting that this comes from dysfunction, this comes from pain, this comes from abuse, and trauma, and that again, most of the time, people are not intending to cause and inflict harm and pain on someone else, but it comes from a very wounded place.
About a month or so ago I had a mom reach out to me in regards to her young adult daughter. She was expressing a lot of concern about her relationship with her newer boyfriends. As she described a lot of her red flags, I was hearing just how upset, and concerned, and she was really seeking support. One of the questions I asked was “Is your daughter interested in getting support around this?” The mother said “Yes, we’ve talked about it.” I said “Great”, and I offered to meet with the daughter.
I met with her, and when I talked to the daughter, the daughter was really describing her pain with her mother, and this repetitive, long-standing habitual pattern of feeling manipulated and controlled by her mother, and that it’s been something that she’s been working on for a period of time throughout college, and it’s been a really big concern.
As I listened, I thought, “Well, let’s meet together. Let’s do a mother-daughter session” and see if we can get some movement in the pain that they were both feeling. So I met with them for one session, and it’s funny, the mom came in and she had her notepad, and she had written several pages, almost as if she had her whole defense around all of the reasons why she was really concerned.
Her daughter was in a position of feeling extremely defensive, feeling super-upset and offended about the way that she was being displayed, or characterized, and was rebuttaling around her facts not being correct. At several junctures I was interrupting and using my therapeutic referee whistle, and really inviting them to look at kind of their own emotions that were getting provoked in this situation…
So I was able to reflect back to the mom around just how much she wants her daughter to be successful, and to be safe, and to be making decisions that help her thrive. As I reflected this back, the mom softened and she was like “Yes!” And as I listened to her, I just recognized how terrified she was.
When I reflected those feelings of being terrified, her mother welled up with tears and felt the pain, and was allowing herself to be a tad vulnerable. At this juncture, again, they were reacting so much to each other that her daughter really couldn’t hear her in that moment, but I was touching in on what was resonating for the mom.
And for the daughter, she again was just feeling so pained by feeling judged, and criticized, and controlled, and there were some family dynamics that were adding to this complexity. Her sister, she felt would often align with her mother. She often felt that they were seeing her incorrectly, and perhaps even that her sister would distort facts, so that it appeared as though she was more problematic or more of a concern, and used her mother’s fear and played off of that. So she often felt scape-goated, and the black sheep, if you will.
[00:28:24.07] connect with the daughter and help her connect with what she was really needing and wanting, it was more in the lines of feeling as though her mother was able to recognize her strength, be able to respect her choices, and possibly even acknowledge her good decisions that she has made in relationship, despite some of her challenges. And if she didn’t feel that her mother was able to give her any credit, that she just was seen in this negative light, and again, they would get into that reactivity and the negative back-and-forth, the defensiveness, the criticism, the judgment and the protest… It was just so alive in the room.
The sad thing is as they were in their dynamic, again, they were experiencing so much pain, the daughter felt so hurt that her mother saw her in such a negative light, didn’t trust her, didn’t see her strength, and there was really nothing she could do about it… And she didn’t have her parent’s blessings as she pursued her relationship with the boyfriend that she was really seeing a future with. You can tell the estrangement that this sets up, and for the mother just feeling terrified for her daughter’s well-being, and feeling like her daughter wasn’t safe, and there was all these red flags, and again, there was nothing she could do about it.
As I mentioned earlier, often times people resort to control tactics and manipulation when they feel afraid and anxious. So as this listener’s question is posed, seeing her mother display religious content, emotional distress, and feeling guilty or feeling that her mother is trying to change her choices by using the extended family, by using her disapproval, and just the pain around that…
So what do we do? Now I’m gonna offer you some suggestions of how to deal with manipulative behavior. Tip number one, identify the manipulative behavior. If something feels annoying, icky, uncomfortable, there’s probably a good reason.
In my early 20’s I had a family member that I would go to visit, and I would allow a decent amount of time for a nice visit… And at some point when I was starting to transition into leaving and departing, I would feel such a pull. I’d hear statements around “I don’t want you to go. I wish you didn’t have to go. I never get to see you. It’s never long enough. Oh, just one more thing…”, and it would be this half-hour of this push-pull of me wanting to leave, and her trying to get me to stay. And I remember even at some point talking with my brother when we were gonna go visit together, and we were kind of game-planning around how to deal with this, because it was just this back-and-forth, and it was difficult… It felt very unpleasant.
I wanna suggest here that if you feel some subtle sensation of something feels off, or someone’s trying to get you to do something and it just doesn’t feel right, it’s likely something’s at play. Now, in this listener’s question it seems much more overt than subtle… But what we can do here in number one to identify the manipulative behavior is take some time to individually write out the interaction. This gives you a chance to get more perspective and look at the dynamic more objectively. Writing about the annoying, difficult or even uncomfortable interaction – this in and of itself can help validate and even justify the feelings that you may be having, and this in and of itself is extremely helpful… Because part of what can be disturbing and unsettling is not knowing why.
We get a sense of something feels off and difficult, but we can’t really name it, and we’re wondering “Am I just over-exaggerating, or am I projecting something into this that isn’t there?” And that’s part of the crazy-making. But when we can write it out, we have an opportunity to name it, and in neuro-psychology there is a catchy phrase, and it’s “Name it to tame it.” By just identifying and being able to label and name it, decreases the intensity of the emotion.
The identification of it essentially validates it, makes it real. The added benefit to being able to identify the elements of this interaction that you might be having also better prepares you to deal with it. Because if you don’t know what’s going on, it’s really difficult to deal with it proactively and constructively.
If you notice yourself reacting, perhaps feeling guilty or feeling defensive, there’s an element of being caught in the manipulative dynamic. And to get out of it, you wanna create some distance so you can look at it with more clarity, and also allowing yourself to move forward feeling better prepared to deal with the manipulative behavior differently, so that you can feel some sense of taking care of yourself, feeling empowered, despite the difficult interaction. Again, when we don’t know what’s going on, we’re likely to get sucked in and fall victim to the manipulation.
With more clarity, it allows for a quicker identification, even as it’s happening in real-time. Once we become better acquainted, then we get a sense of what’s happening, and the nuances to it, we can better recognize it, and then we are in a better position to respond, rather than just react.
Number two, focus on your power, strength and goodness. This is difficult if we’ve been in an environment where we’ve been told it’s not good enough, or we haven’t been recognized or we haven’t been told of our goodness… This is hard to self-generate, so I really recommend getting some support to be in an environment, whether or not it’s with a coach, or therapist, or even a really good personal growth group, or women’s group, or men’s group, that can help you recognize your strengths, identify your positive attributes… And that as you begin to develop an awareness around your strength, then you can begin to see it play out in your interactions with others, that then validates your worthiness, your goodness, and your strengths.
Another positive thing to bring attention to is your intention. If you recognize when you interact with your parent or the person that you experienced the manipulation with, they might be accusing you of something, that in your mind, in your heart, in your being is not true, is not accurate. So for you to validate, again, your intention, and that you know where you’re coming from, your orientation.
Along with this it might be helpful to even recognize what’s your need. Sometimes when we’re so caught in reaction, we’ve lost sense of what our purpose is and what is it that we are trying to create in that dynamic. So for the daughter, again, and the story between the mother-daughter that I was working with – she really wanted her mother to see her strength, and to respect her decisions… And that was not at all a part of what she was saying to her mother. Again, she had lost focus on what her need is and advocating for that need.
Now, again, when people are caught in this reactivity, they often can’t hear each other, so even if the daughter was able to say “Mom, I feel so sad that we’re in such a disconnect place. I really want you to see my strength, I really want you to recognize some of the good decisions that I’ve made. I wanna help you see that, I wanna help you understand that if you’re missing that, or are confused about that.”
In the one session that we did have, the mom did seem responsive to that, but again, there was so much to untangle that we didn’t get to that real connected place, and that does take a level of work.
A couple more things on this number two, focusing on your power, strength and goodness, is to recognize your rights. Again, this isn’t your legal rights, this is just your human rights – to be treated with respect. To be entitled to have your own thoughts, feelings and preferences, and a right to make choices. A right to say no without feeling guilty.
In a parent-child dynamic I get that this can be a little confusing, because for so long parents have to provide the structure, the rules and the container for a child to develop, and at the same time I do think it’s really important for children to get to recognize what they have power over, what is theirs, their personal space, their thoughts, their preferences, and for them to have some autonomy in that… And then to get to flex their muscles at some point, when it’s developmentally-appropriate, so that they get to kind of experience what they’re good at, what perhaps needs a little more work, and they build this sense of self-efficacy, and can feel like “I did it!” and know that they can take ownership of their efforts. And when it’s appropriate, they can say “No, thank you”, or “I prefer not to.”
In this listener’s question, she is identifying that perhaps her mother is having a very difficult time accepting her choice, and is behaving in ways in which she’s trying to influence or manipulate her daughter’s choices by guilt or disapproval and other means.
What’s really unfortunate about this is this doesn’t bring someone close. This is going to repel her daughter. It’s not gonna help her daughter feel interested in bonding, interested in sharing, interested in being close… And likely, the mom in this situation loves her daughter so, so much, and really wants the best for her daughter, and at the same time she’s afraid, and feeling anxious and doesn’t know what to do. She feels a loss of control, so these are her attempts to have some level of control or to exert some level of power… And yet, this is not gonna build any relationship, as her daughter is describing really needing to distance and set boundaries.
The last thing I’ll say on this topic number two is to put some energy and effort into self-esteem. Often times children of manipulative parents struggle to feel confident, and to know their worth, whether or not they have been micro-managed, so they have heavily depended on their parents, so they don’t know what they’re capable of doing, or perhaps they’ve received so much criticism, so much negative feedback and judgment that they develop certain coping strategies. Perhaps they’re over-functioning, or perhaps they are very controlling themselves… But there’s this inner vulnerability that in relationship it’s like there’s a lack of being able to trust that there’s a safe space. Rightfully so – they hadn’t known safety in this way, so they’ve got this armoring, if you will.
In order to really deal with the manipulative behavior, it’s important to come from a place of wellness. If you don’t believe in your wellness or you question your self-esteem, then it’s gonna be difficult to have a really strong foundation to stand on, to confront any of that manipulation.
Okay, I have four more tips to share with you, but I’m gonna save that for the next episode. I hope you stay tuned. Again, that will be episode 172, “How to deal with a manipulative parent, Part II.” If you would like access to today’s show notes, I encourage you to visit my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com click on Podcast, and you can find all of the episodes listed there; the more recent episode is at the top. Again, this is episode 171.
Thank you for listening, thank you for tuning in, and if you have any questions or are interested in exploring how to go deeper with any of these principles, please contact me. I can be reached on the Contact page – same website, DrJessicaHiggins.com.
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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