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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 177, “How to offer comfort to your significant other.” If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com, and you can find today’s show notes, any links mentioned, and also on the website you can find other ways to get more information about other topics related to relationship by way of articles, and other podcasts. You can also find programs available to deepen your experience in these principles. I also offer coaching. If you’re interested in learning more, you can visit the Schedule page, which gives you a little bit access to how to get started with looking into if coaching might be a good option for you. Again, DrJessicaHiggins.com.

Before we get started in today’s episode, I wanna invite you to take a moment and just center in as you’re tuning into this episode, perhaps recognizing what you’re looking for, what you’re hoping to experience, and just recognizing where you’re at in relationship…

I’m going to set the intention for the Empowered Relationship podcast, and that is that we are on a path of growth by means of the relationship, knowing the relationship holds a mirror to our individual work, and that as we say yes to leaning in to that, that we also grow in our connection with our significant other, and that relationship grows as a result… And it’s the ripple effect, that as we develop the relationship and have healthy, secure, conscious partnership, that we actually influence those in our lives. If we have children, or extended family members, or a community, friends – everyone benefits from that health of that dynamic and that partnership… The light, the modeling, the vibration of that heals individually, in partnership, and collectively.

Let’s get started into today’s episode. Again, today’s episode is 177, “How to offer comfort to your significant other.” This topic comes from how often we struggle in relationship to be there for each other in terms of stress, upset and hurt. Now, this is even true for couples who have been together for many years, and I notice that particularly couples that are seeking support, and even as I recognize people in my own life, and even in my relationship, in my marriage, that this is still challenging at times; we really wanna be there for each other, but it can be difficult. That channel of reaching for help and then offering help isn’t always super-clean and clear.

As Dr. Keith Witt was talking about in the last episode, when people feel triggered or feel reactive, they often will naturally go into that more defensive, protective state. And when we’re in that protective, defensive state, it’s really difficult for us to be able to show clearly our pain and our hurt to our significant other. Oftentimes that defensiveness and that protection looks like either attack, or protest, and our partner is paying more attention to the protest and the attack or the blame than they are able to understand the deeper, underlying pain.

Over the last 15+ years there’s been an enormous amount of research in the way of relationship, couplehood, romantic partnership that has offered great insight into the inner workings of intimacy and relationship, that help us understand how we actually have a human universal need for emotional connection, comfort and safety. If you’ve listened to my podcast, you’ve heard me talk about this; there’s many experts in the field that really focus on the attachment research, like Susan Johnson, Dr. Stan Tatkin, even John Gottman’s referencing the attachment work… And this all stems from the attachment theory which was developed by Bowlby.

Bowlby identified that everyone has an innate need for trust and security, from cradle to grave… Meaning that when we’re born, those pivotal, critical years from 0 to 3, 0 to 4, how important it is for our development and how it really imprints our relational model, that then is reinforced throughout childhood, and adolescence, young adulthood, and then when we enter into romantic partnership, we then create a significant bond that then activates that very early working model of attachment, how we bond… Because yes, our friends are meaningful, our family is meaningful, but when we bond with a love partner, it activates the very significant need of that security and that safety; that’s our significant other, our person, and we start to open up to a deeper level of connection, and that activates that working model… Hence we might recognize fear, insecurity, threat that we weren’t aware of before that bond, or before we got into that relationship.

If we feel those feelings of reactivity or insecurity or fear, and we don’t know how to reach to our partner in a real clear, coherent way, and our partner doesn’t understand and therefore can’t respond to us, and/or if we do reach to our partner and our partner doesn’t know how to respond, all of that can be particularly challenging; it really sets up this pattern of disconnect that can be devastating.

So when our partner can’t respond to our emotional needs, either because we’re not sending clear signals, or they don’t actually see our pain, or whether or not they’re threatened themselves and their relational model makes that challenging for them and they’re not feeling safe – again, that might activate more of that anxiety, more of that threat, that fear, and we might become numb  and distances, and this really sets up that dangerous pattern of disconnect.

This is further complicated by the idea, particularly in mainstream modern-day culture, particularly in the U.S, where we do have a preference for individuality, independence, autonomy, so we often don’t even want to recognize that we do have an emotional need, and that we do want support, and we do want connection, and that we might deny or feel like we’re being too needy by trying to vocalize our desire for connection.

I have a client that I’m working with and she’s really trying to come around to this idea of expressing a need in a  real clear, distilled, vulnerable way. It’s new territory for her, in the sense of she’s had previous relationship where her significant other would perhaps feel pressured; he’d put a lot of pressure on himself to succeed, and he felt burdened by his own expectations, and she felt as though she was contributing to his feeling burdened… And their relationship did not continue; they ended up getting a divorce, and so she’s in this hesitant place of “I want to express my need, I wanna express my desire, but I don’t want my significant other to feel burdened, I don’t wanna turn him off, I don’t wanna be too serious, I don’t want it to be  too heavy, I wanna be light and fun, and I wanna experience a lot of joy.” And all of that is fabulous; we want that positivity, and at the same time, when we have a deeper love and yearning — that I actually think is  really positive, because what she’s saying is “I see you as my significant other for the long haul. And we don’t talk a lot about our commitment in the future, and I would love to know where you’re at.”

That’s not a bad thing, that’s a beautiful conversation, and yet she’s really scared to initiate that… Rightfully so, it’s super-vulnerable, and also the aspect of feeling afraid of getting rejected is very much a part of that… And yet, what she’s finding in her dynamic is when she doesn’t vocalize that need, that it flares up in all these different interactions… Whether or not he’s on his phone and seemingly distracted, or perhaps he’s not super-clear about wanting to spend time with her, or perhaps isn’t super-excited when she comes back from a work trip, or seemingly excited. And that she’s interpreting some of his behavior through this lens of uncertainty, and not knowing. And the not knowing is definitely anxiety-provoking, so then what happens is that it fuels that insecurity and she starts addressing these issues of the phone… And rightfully so – there might be some logistics there around how they navigate their time and space together that could be really helpful… But the underlying current is “I’m afraid you don’t really want me”, or “I’m worried you’re not really in this.” So she’s looking for these signs that indicate reassurance, and yet there’s not a clear discussion.

In our last session together I was offering her some information based on what I’ve seen working with couples and what I have known in my own life, that when — I’ll use myself, for example… When I have been able to offer the clarity of what I’m feeling in a real vulnerable way, that’s just very distilled, very clear, just maybe one or two sentences, that allow my significant other to see me… Without all the explanation, or the story, or the caveat, or prefacing, and all the things that we can do. If I just give that clear, clear message, my partner leans in. And yeah, the fear that he might not feel the same way, and all of that, but then we work with that.

Coming back to the client I was referencing, and just sharing with her what I have seen… When a person is able to soften into revealing their vulnerable, real truth and what they’re longing for, that actually creates intimacy, it creates a sense of closeness, and it is attractive. Despite the mutual feelings and all that – that’s still to be worked out – there’s a leaning in and a holding. I was even telling her “As a listener, and as being your support person, I can feel my own heart responding to you when you say very clearly what you want.” It’s very lovable, and it’s so sad that we think of it as unlovable, like it’s the thing that we have shame about, we try to hide and we try to avoid, and yet it’s the very thing that will foster connection.

When we start to come around to honoring, accepting, acknowledging our human universal need for connection, closeness and emotional bond with another, then we start to prioritize that… But a lot of times we start to feel that fear of like “Oh, I don’t wanna feel responsible for my partner” or “I don’t wanna have the co-dependent relationship”, and that’s not at all what we’re talking about. There’s a real balance here, where each individual is responsible for their emotional experience – what they’re feeling, how they manage their reactions and how they express themselves. And yet, we do need connection, so how do we participate in connection? When we look at how to participate in connection, again, part of that is how we initiate and seek comfort, and how we respond. It’s really great to be able to be loving and caring and offering comfort and soothing and reassurance to our partner, particularly when they do it in a vulnerable way. I think that’s the natural wiring that occurs, and there’s many things that interfere and complicate that, but that’s what we’re really aiming for.

Dr. Susan Johnson talks so much about the acronym ARE, and that we really wanna aim for being Accessible, being Responsive and being Engaged in partnership. That we start to prioritize that, even when our partner might murmur something that seems insignificant, that we actually give that attention. “Oh, I missed that. What did you say?” or “What’s so funny?”, or that we are responding to each other. And again, it’s not 100%, because we’re human and we’re gonna miss it sometimes. But the goal is we really are creating this container of safety and really prioritizing our connection and our bond, and how we are prioritizing the relational dynamic.

Dr. John Gottman helps us understand from his research that successful couples respond to each other’s bids for attention, and they offer positivity to one another. This is exactly the same thing, he’s just articulating it a little differently.

Responding to your partner’s bid in a positive way is typically gonna be easier when things are going well, where the connection feels strong and there’s a lot of flow and a lot of closeness. Where it starts to feel a little tricky is when we are bidding for attention perhaps in unclear ways;  we’re hurting, we’re in that protective stance, and maybe we’re protesting, but underneath we’re really seeking our partner’s attention.

I was actually meeting with a different client and she was saying her and her husband are going through a bit of a  difficult time, and she’s really identifying and recognizing that she might actually tell her husband “I want you to leave.” And she’s like “It’s so crazy!”, and she’s like “I don’t like using that word, crazy”, but she’s just recognizing how difficult it is, because what she’s saying is I really want him to give me reassurance that he’s not going anywhere. So she’s giving him the opposite message, but really longing to feel his commitment and his devotion.

So sometimes we will send mixed messages, we will send unclear messages when we’re in hurt, and in threat, and in pain. So in today’s conversation of how to comfort your significant other, we’re really looking at how do we show up for each other in times of challenge? What we know from the research again – when life is hard, when we feel strong with our significant other, we feel secure, we feel protected, we feel comforted, that we are more resilient, we’re more capable, and we handle life difficulties with more resource; we’re stronger together.

In January of this year I had an opportunity to do a five-day externship with Dr. Susan Johnson and Dr. Scott Woolley in San Diego, and I remember Dr. Susan Johnson was talking about some of this research, and she was saying that — and you might have heard me mention this on a previous podcast, but that if a couple is at the foot of a mountain or a big hill that they have to climb together, that by being together, if they have  a good, strong, secure relationship, they will feel more capable, more resourced, and they will actually assess the mountain as less difficult… Whereas if an individual, or perhaps if they’re in relationship with their significant other and they have a disconnected partnership, they will not feel resource from their partner, they will actually assess that same hill, mountain, as more difficult and harder, and they will have less resource.

So we anticipate life challenges as bigger and harder when we don’t have support. It seems like a common sense thing, but again, if I go back to the mindset of autonomy, individuality, and we don’t prioritize this need for connection, we’re setting ourselves up to feel less resourced.

Essentially, in relationship we have the capacity to help each other feel better, to help soothe each other’s pain and stress. We can lift each other up, cheer each other up, we can offer support, reassurance and soothing when life is hard.

As I’m saying, a lot of us who haven’t known consistency in receiving comfort don’t always have a good model or an imprint around how to seek and reach for our partner when we’re hurting, and we also may have difficulty knowing how to comfort our partner, again, if we haven’t had this experience before. It’s like unknown territory.

Often when I am beginning to work with someone or a couple, I might ask them each individually “How did you feel comforted and reassured when you were young?” And also, “Where did you go and who did you turn to when you felt hurt or when you needed some sense of security or safe haven?” And so often people are saying “No one. I didn’t feel safe to go to anyone”, or “I went to my room”, or “I went out to play”, “I went with friends” or “I listened to music.” And the pain, again, of not knowing how to reach to someone and trust that they’re emotionally available.

Sometimes people will describe “Yeah, I always knew I had food and a roof over my head, and I knew my parents loved me, but if I was emotionally hurting, there wasn’t a place to really seek support. I didn’t feel them available.” Oftentimes there’s the intergenerational effect of this, that parents themselves didn’t have that support when they were growing up, so they’re doing the best that they can; it’s really no blame or shame here, it’s just a recognition of this emotional safety and comfort so many of us didn’t get to experience… So when we enter into relationship we’re at a loss; it’s, again, that new territory around how to trust that our partner is gonna be there for us, that they care, that they’re a safe place, that they’re gonna be responsive.

In light of the need, the human universal need of wanting comfort, wanting closeness, wanting connection and safety, when we long for that but also don’t know how to get it, it creates a lot of turmoil, and this is what we’re up against when we’re learning how to be close in a marriage, in a partnership, and we haven’t known safety and trust in our history.

As we are exploring the topic of how to offer comfort to our significant other, as well as looking at the relational dynamics that occur, particularly when one or both partners have had relational challenge in their background, perhaps in their upbringing, or perhaps in previous relationships, thus contributing to maybe some insecure feelings, or trauma, or even insecure attachment… And as we talk about how when there is tension, or there’s stress, or there’s upset or pain in relationship, we are also wired up to protect ourselves… So as Dr. Keith Witt was explaining in the previous podcast episode that I mentioned just a little bit ago, how we will tend to get into that protective state, and that we’re wired up to protect ourselves for survival. And when we feel emotionally threatened, that still happens; that nervous system response still kicks into gear. That then poses a challenge when we are in a position where we are experiencing distress, or upset, or pain, and we’re having difficulty connecting. How do we comfort in those situations?

We can look at what doesn’t typically work. There are a lot of ways that this can go awry. Perhaps we feel our partner is upset, and we say too much, trying to be overly helpful. I’ve definitely been there. Or perhaps we say too little, and we’re afraid of what to say, so we don’t really do anything or say anything; we just leave them to it. Or perhaps we offer advice, analysis and solutions, and maybe it’s too quick; maybe they’re not ready for that, and they really just wanna feel the comfort, they wanna feel that we’re with them. Or perhaps we even encourage them and try to lift them up and pump them up too quickly, and this can feel like a bypass of the pain, or a minimizing of the pain. “You’re strong, you’re amazing! You can do it!”, and those are all beautiful statements, but if someone’s like “I want you to see my pain, I want you to get how much I’m hurting”, and we’re like “You’ve got this!”, it just is a little bit too quick.

I recognize that this is particularly true in the early stages of relationship, and sometimes what happens as we develop in relationship – we get stuck in that second stage, and hence we can spend years and years and years still negotiating that second state… And if you’re interested, I’ll also put a link to the stages of relationship and the development of intimacy if you’re interested in learning mroe about that on today’s show notes. But as I look at my own relationship experience with my husband, and when we were dating in those initial stages, and honestly, I would say for several years was still learning about him and how to support him, and I think to some degree I’m still learning, for sure; there’s layers to this.

So what I experienced with my husband is that he didn’t always show me his pain, and I think that’s true for a lot of men, that get a socialization around “Don’t be vulnerable, be strong”, so it’s not usually something a lot of men stereotypically are encouraged to reveal really openly… And he also has just learned to kind of contain and deal with some of his stuff on his own… So I often didn’t know really what was going on for him when he was upset, or having a hard time… And I would recognize, I think, my own attachment style of being more anxious, and checking, and “Are we good?” and “I feel like something’s up, but I don’t know…”, and then I would feel this effort to want to reach to him, but really didn’t know how. And I would make all these different attempts, and I really just had a difficult time feeling like I really knew how to comfort him.

So this is not easy to sometimes figure out when there is a lot involved in the couple dynamic, as I’ve been describing… So I mention this to say, as we are in relationship, there’s some general tips or general principles that are really helpful when offering comfort to your significant other, and I’m gonna share those with you.

And then what’s also really true is that we are unique individuals, and in the next episode I’m gonna share with you how to be more of an expert on how to be there for your partner. This comes from Dr. Stan Tatkin and his book “Wired for Love”, and how to really be specific in comfort and offering support to your significant other. I think it’s so important as we are nurturing and loving and caring for one another, in this journey of life together.

In general, offering physical and emotional closeness to your partner is one of the most powerful ways to give them a sense of comfort, to help them feel your presence, to feel your care and your soothing. So in the way of physical closeness, that could just be given through a holding of the hand, a gentle touch on the back, maybe even a rubbing on the back, perhaps even a holding, a cuddling, a hug… And this is really powerful. It can convey a softness, it can convey a nurturing, it can convey an attention and a presencing, and sometimes people don’t need the words – they just really wanna feel that holding.

Truthfully, I have observed that when couples can really see each other clearly in this softer, more vulnerable way, this is natural. I can’t tell you how many times I have observed in my sessions where one partner is softening and expressing vulnerability and getting in touch and revealing their pain more clearly, and the other one just naturally leans in, tends to reach, to wanna touch and hold the hand, or to put a gentle hand on the back, and it’s automatic; again, we’re wired up to offer this.

One couple comes to mind… I have noticed several times I have left them, as we’re ending the session, as they’re embracing… And oftentimes when they’re in the process of learning how to have this more vulnerable conversation, they will offer to one another, and they say “Do you want cuddles?” And it’s this real go-to place that they offer this comfort, and that’s so soothing to both of them to be in an embrace, to be physically close; that offers so much of this holding and this love and this care, that we are all needing, particularly when we’re hurting and when we’re vulnerable. And it’s really beautiful to witness, and I’m very grateful that I get to leave them and let them  have that time and really be with that without me facilitating anything… Just to marinate and kind of absorb that more fully. Because that’s the goal, that’s the space that they’re trying to get to.

And the other way that we can offer a great deal of comfort to our significant other is by the way of emotional closeness. This can feel a little more tricky when we don’t know what to do, or we don’t know what’s going on with our partner, or the dynamic is tense or fraught or disconnected… And that is there’s some general tips here that I’m gonna offer you, some of which you know, some of which you’ve heard me talk about, but I’m just really trying to offer up how important it is to be able to be a comforting source to your partner when they’re struggling. And vice-versa – we want this in return.

For emotional closeness, oftentimes people want to express their pain, or talk about their hurt, or talk about the situation. Sometimes when it has nothing to do with us, it’s so much easier to hear. When it does have to do with us, it’s much more difficult to hear; that’s where it gets even that much more tricky.

So the first recommendation or the first tip in the way of being able to offer more emotional closeness is to accept and listen. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable if our partner addresses us with their issue or their pain, particularly when it has to do with us. We wanna clarify, or we wanna fix it, or we wanna try to figure it out, so that we can alleviate the discomfort… And this is really not accepting that our partner has an issue; we’re trying to push back against it, we’re trying to push it away.

So if we can just really say “Okay, my partner is having a hard time. Can I accept that and can I listen?” Because so often people feel like listening is a form of endorsing or condoning. It doesn’t mean you agree or that you have the same experience, but it’s real attention to your partner’s experience of the situation or of the dynamic… So it’s really accepting and appreciating really what they’re saying, from their perspective. Oftentimes this requires dropping into the heart or the emotion.

I have a couple that I’ve been working with for a while, and they’re two very smart, intelligent individuals… And what happens in their dynamic is he will bring his upset; and part of it is he’s working on how to really show his wife his pain and the vulnerability, so she can recognize it. Oftentimes she doesn’t even know that he’s bringing his pain… And then the second layer is for her to really drop into his experience,  because she’s still in the intellect, and it’s like “Well, let me clarify” or “That’s not my experience” or “That’s not what’s happening. Let me tell you what’s happening”, which can sound defensive.

So she then goes into explanation, and launches into all the clarification, and he’s feeling left high and dry around his pain, because he’s like “I don’t need you to defend” or “I don’t need you to explain”, and her thought is “If I explained, we wouldn’t have an issue.” So he’s really seeking to feel heard, and she’s attending more to the content than she is to his emotion… And it’s really switching the focus and the priority around “We’re not trying to resolve the content, I’m trying to be present to you and offer comfort to you.” It’s a bit of a mindset switch.

The second tip is to understand the pain. Again, this is less about understanding just intellectually, like “I understand the words you’re saying” or “I understand the content.” It’s actually understanding the hurt and the pain. And on first run of it, it might not be that clear. There might need to be more questions to seek to understand more fully. Perhaps like “Tell me more about what you’re going through.”

There are many times that my husband will share something with me, and I recognize he’s trying to share something deeper with me, and perhaps I either don’t recognize it, or I don’t have the same experience, or perhaps I’m even confused… And what I’ll do is I’ll do my very, very best – and again, this is with the number one in mind around really trying to accept and listen and to prioritize him – to slow down and try to drop into my heart and I’ll try to feel him; then I’ll try to ask questions from that place.

Sometimes I’ll even say “Well, if it were me, this is how it would be… Is that kind of close to what you’re talking about?” I might ask a lot of questions to just try to get it more fully.

This is one of the things that I hear people remark about in our sessions together. Yes, they are so grateful and happy for the new patterns that they’re developing and the closeness that they’re experiencing and the connection, and one of the things that they experience as a benefit is when I’m working with one partner, the other partner is hearing more fully and more deeply than they’ve ever heard sometimes before… And they’re like “Oooh, I get it… I didn’t know that”, or “I didn’t understand that.” So it helps with the empathy.

And I’ll tell you even as a guide, as a support person, that I feel myself as I’m asking questions, deepening my understanding, and there’s times where I feel like I touch on a nerve or I touch on a real core nugget, I’m like “Oooh, I get it…!” And I actually say it out loud, and I really reflect the intensity and the importance of it and the significance. And I’m tracking them, I’m resonating them, I’m trying to see if I’m getting it, and if I’m really with them. And when I’m really with them, they’re getting that experience of feeling understood on a deep level, and this does help offer that comfort.

So not only am I helping the person who’s sharing feel more understood, I’m also helping the partner understand more, and I’m also teaching them what this seeking to understand can look like. And obviously, my questions are gonna be a little different, but just to have a touchstone into what’s going on on a deeper level, and that’s usually gonna be there, and that’s something that now they have access to and can have a conversation around, and continue to have in their awareness moving forward.

The third tip is to be with the hurt. This will come (again) rather naturally if we’re really shifting into that emotional space and we’re really softening into that understanding, and we’re really opening up. Because as I mentioned a moment ago, if we’re touching in on some core pieces or a tender place, usually we can feel it. So this does take some uncovering, as I mentioned, of some of these defensive/reactive patterns or layers; but once we can access that softer place, the empathy typically comes pretty quickly, and that “Ooh, I get it…”, and there’s an emotional response, and a feeling… And typically – this is another thing clients comment on – I will actually feel some degree of the emotion with them, and I will actually have tears well up in my eyes as I’m feeling them.

So this is something that, again, can be really validating and really reflective and offer a lot of comfort, so when their partner does it – that really, really matters; that’s the bond that matters, that’s the partnership that is of utmost importance. So when partners can feel each other, they feel so protected and so supported in the world. The world can be a scary place, and so when we can feel that safe haven, then we feel good, we feel okay, we feel secure.

Sometimes the empathy will come naturally, other times it might not, and that’s okay, too. We can ask questions to get at the emotion. “Can you tell me more about how this feels for you? Can you talk more about your hurt? Can you share more about the pain and what it feels like?” Again, this is still the intention to want to understand and really being in the emotional space.

Number four – offer validation. This can be simply “That makes sense”, or “Oh man, that sucks!” It just gives some recognition and validation to “Yeah, I’m not off on this. It is real, it does make sense.”  And just that in and of itself can feel so healing.

This morning I was working with a client and he was describing some pain that he had felt in the last week, and he started off the conversation talking about his pattern of negatively looping… And he was describing just what he does, and as I was listening and as we were talking, at one point I was like “This is tremendous, what you went through! This is hard, this is painful!” And there were many aspects, and it was significant. And he said “Yes, it was horrifying.” And just that space to feel validated, that like “This was really hard.” There was nothing wrong with him; yes, he has a pattern in how he deals with the pain, but he was really talking about his pattern to begin with, and it really short-changes the real significant pain and the hurt, and I honestly think there’s something really powerful for him to have space that his emotions and his hurt does matter, and that he can soothe that, and that there can be comfort for that. And sometimes we need help with this. If we haven’t had the space or we haven’t had the modeling for this, this is not gonna come naturally. This is not the early imprint, this isn’t the understanding around how to deal with pain, and yet there’s always opportunity to start switching the pattern of this, and to start allowing that comfort and that healing to be prioritized, which is what this episode is all about.

Number five – offer care, or offer help. This is a way of listening and showing “I’m here for you.” Maybe it’s simply just saying that even, offering some level of reassurance. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Many years ago I remember my husband and I had a conflict that we were in, and this particular moment – we were in the car and we were experiencing the tension and the disconnect, because we hadn’t resolved whatever the conflict was, which I don’t remember at the moment… And I do remember having the sensation of feeling anxious and feeling that worry, that fear that he wasn’t in it and he wasn’t wanting to resolve it; that he was turned away, and I was feeling the loss of that, I was feeling the anxiety of that. And I had done enough work, and had worked this enough to know that, and was aware of it, and I really tried to do my best to tune into the vulnerability of that. And I remember remarking to him and saying “I feel scared that you don’t wanna resolve this. Are you open to sharing where you’re at? Do you want to resolve this?” And sometimes it’s stating what feels so obvious and basic, but it’s the very tender, core spot that when we say it, it’s the most important thing. And he softened, he could feel my vulnerability, and he’s like “Yes, of course I wanna resolve this.” And in that moment, that’s all I needed to hear. I was okay to tolerate the discomfort of we hadn’t quite figured it out; I knew he was in it and I knew he wanted to resolve it, and that we would. So that feel of possibly even the undercurrent of abandonment was charged in me, and I was able to name it and soften and say it, and he was able to give me that comfort.

So I had to ask for it, and I know a lot of people struggle with this – “I don’t wanna have to ask for it. I don’t wanna have to be so explicit, because it doesn’t feel real”, and I know most people are not gonna just give the lip service. And even if they did, we could probably feel it. I could probably tell the difference between when my husband was being insincere and when he was being sincere. But with his sincerity – again, it hit the mark for me, and we were able to move forward really rather easily.

The last tip that I have to offer around how to offer comfort to your significant other is in the appropriate times to offer some level of apology or remorse, if in fact there are ways that you have behaved that have hurt your partner. And yes, perhaps even without intention. There might be things that you are doing or ways that you’re behaving that do make sense, and there’s a reason for them, and in fact they hurt your partner. So being able to stay with your partner’s hurt and their pain, and being able to recognize their experience and caring about that experience and wanting to help, and recognizing “I made a move that didn’t feel good to you, and I’m so sorry. I didn’t intend to hurt you; I don’t want to hurt you, I do wanna help, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

One thing that might be helpful with this is to recognize oftentimes it’s the dynamic that’s problematic, not any individual that’s the problem… And sometimes maybe even our behavior is problematic at times, and it’s not so much again that we’re a problem. So if that helps as you’re able to offer that remorse or that apology, that it’s not you as a person, but perhaps your behavior or perhaps the dynamic was very painful for your partner, and you can acknowledge that.

In summary, again, we’re looking at some general ways to offer comfort to your significant other, and there’s  a lot that can be done to offer physical closeness – in the way of holding, hugging, cuddling – and there’s a lot that can be done in the way of offering emotional closeness, particularly when your partner turns to you and wants to share with you. You can 1) focus on accepting and listening; 2) understand the hurt; 3) be with the hurt, feel the pain, try to understand the emotion of it. Perhaps you can empathize. 4) Offer validation. “I get it. It makes perfect sense.” 5) Offer care, or the intention to help. 6) Show remorse, or even apologize, all in the attempt to show your partner you are with them or for them.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode. I hope you stay tuned for the following episode on how to be an expert on your partner. Again, this will be influenced by Dr. Stan Tatkin’s work in his book “Wired for Love”, and this is gonna assist us in how to comfort our partner in more specific, unique ways that are tailored to your partner.

If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit my website. Again, that’s DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes there. Again, today’s episode is 177, “How to comfort your significant other.”

Thank you for tuning in and sharing this time with me. It is always an honor and a pleasure. Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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