Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 178, “How to offer comfort to your significant other, Part II.” If you missed part one, episode 177, I wanna encourage you to listen to that episode first, as it gives a little more foundation for today’s conversation.
In today’s conversation I’m gonna go into a little bit more specifics about how to uniquely support your partner and offer comfort to them specifically. Now, your partner has a unique constellation of background, family upbringing, previous relationship history, their personality – everything that makes them super-unique… As similarly for you, and for me, and for everyone.
Episode 177 talks about the topic in general around how critical being able to comfort one another, be able to offer soothing, a sense of reassurance and safety is critical in relationship… And oftentimes when we haven’t known the safety in relationship previously, be it family upbringing or even past relationships, we often are at a loss; we often feel a little even insecure that this is even available, and we don’t actually know the territory – we don’t know how to reach, we don’t know how to trust… All of it is very unknown and can be very anxiety-provoking, particularly when we’re feeling distressed and we’re feeling reactive or perhaps threatened, that our nervous system is gonna want to protect ourselves. So when we’re in that more defensive state, we often don’t show the vulnerability. It’s counter-intuitive. And yet, when our partner doesn’t see our pain, it’s difficult for them to be able to help and support; they’re most likely gonna be aware of the defensiveness and the protective, maybe even protesting.
In episode 177 I offered different sources of really evidence-based research around how critical it is to be able to support each other, to be able to respond to each other. I also give some general guidance around what are some very powerful ways to offer comfort and a sense of closeness, especially when one or both of you are hurting.
Most notably, I talked about how to provide physical closeness, as well as emotional closeness. I offered six specific ways, and examples and some story around how to be emotionally available and present and responsive and engaged with your partner when they’re hurting or having a difficult time.
I think it is worth noting that oftentimes when we are in a heterosexual relationship and perhaps managing gender differences, that a way a man wants to be comforted will often look very different than a way that a woman wants to be comforted. So I just wanna make a note about that. I’m gonna actually put a link to an article – it’s actually a WikiHow article on how to comfort a man – on today’s show notes, which can be found on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes there. Again, today’s episode is 178, “How to comfort your significant other, Part II.” I think if you’re listening on your smartphone, there’s a way to access the show notes possibly from your podcast player, like iTunes or Stitcher.
I wanna make a note about what women typically are looking for, and I’ll also put a link to an interview that I did a while back, probably a couple years ago, and really discussing often what women are seeking… In that they’re looking for this emotional attunement, this emotional validation, this emotional presencing, which I will refer to the last episode, 177 – the tips that I offered, one through six, typically women are looking for this emotional closeness… And again, stereotypically, men haven’t had the same socialization, I would even argue the same type of evolutionary development, and that this is one of the heavily-emphasized areas of development, where women historically have really prioritized relationship and have been having these conversations for generations.
While I’m addressing the gender differences, I mainly think the differences have to do with the way that we access our emotions and the way that we express our emotions. I believe that men have a deep, rich emotional experience, it’s just the way in which they perhaps express themselves or the way that they want to receive support often will look really different… So that article – yes, it’s a very pop-culture article, but I read it and I was finding myself saying “This is really helpful, and this is pretty legitimate in a lot of ways.” Now, it’s anecdotal, it’s not necessarily providing a ton of research, but I do think it could be helpful.
Before we get into the meat of today’s episode, I wanna take a moment and ground with you in setting the intention for the Empowered Relationship podcast, and for today’s episode. And similarly, I wanna invite you to take a moment and just check in with yourself, and perhaps tune into what it is that you’re looking for, hoping for, or a question that you’re even holding as you’re tuning into today’s episode. Now, I realize today’s topic might not be exactly fitting for what you’re thinking about or contemplating, but I wanna invite that there could be something – a nugget, an example or a story or something that resonates for you, and just knowing that as we engage with this, that there is a desire to grow and develop, and that we can get assistance in many different forms.
So I just wanna welcome your specific intention and your desire as you’re tuning in for the Empowered Relationship podcast… Setting the intention that these conversations help support us as we develop and cultivate a powerful, loving, conscious, authentic, long-lasting love relationship. As we do that, we grow ourselves, as we grow our relationship… And that the conversations that happen on this podcast support the development, perhaps through the way of interviews with other experts in the field, or perhaps tips, stories, and recommendations when navigating perhaps tricky territory, or hardship, or stress, or even looking at expanding more love, more connection, more intimacy.
As you are listening, recognizing that we are in a larger community, that we are all on this path of growing our relationship and growing ourselves… And I believe that this is one of the most challenging aspects of life – to really look at what is getting emerged in us, that maybe we have been ignoring, or we haven’t looked at, or we haven’t even healed – past trauma, past wounds… And that we’re doing some profound work as we do this… And we don’t always answer that call. So just acknowledging the courage and the bravery and the willingness to say yes to this endeavor.
For today’s episode we’re gonna go a little more in-depth around how to specifically support your partner when they’re hurting. And again, I mentioned in episode 177 that this can be particularly hard perhaps when your significant other doesn’t reveal to you; they don’t express their pain, they don’t bring it to you, and they’re not maybe super-vulnerable about their experience. Perhaps even they turn away, or perhaps they shut down, or perhaps they get really resistant and defensive and it’s hard to even know that they’re hurting; they look angry… So this can be difficult to really connect with in a really clear way.
Essentially, what we’re exploring is learning what comfort feels like to your partner, and one of the tools that I have found particularly helpful in this conversation is a chapter out of the book Wire For Love by Dr. Stan Tatkin. This is chapter four, titled “Becoming experts on one another – How to please and soothe your partner.” I’m gonna read an excerpt. Basically, what he’s talking about here is successful couples, when it works well. He notes:
“A standout feature is their ability to care for, influence and manage one another, much the way expert parents do with their children. Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner’s manual for their relationship and for each other.
For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other’s buttons. When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why. Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation. They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, and they have a power to elevate, relieve, excite and soothe or heal each other.”
He goes on to describe the neuroscience behind this, and that basically these partners have developed the capacity to regulate their nervous system and to be able to get their prefrontal cortex – their higher-level thinking – back on board; that essentially means getting out of the fight, flight or freeze response and getting into a calmer, more regulated state, so that they can then have a better perspective on things, and then be able to communicate from that place, and have a real prioritization around caring for one another.
Dr. Stan Tatkin goes on to write:
“How did they get to be so adept? Are such people perhaps in possession of a perfect partner chromosome? Trust me, no. Do they have some kind of secret super-power that allows them to manage their partner emotionally? Well, maybe. As I said earlier, some of us got a better start in life than did others, with lots of positive interactions with safe adults, who were interested in and curious about us.”
He’s really talking about having had this interaction where their emotions and their experience was really seen, attuned to and cared for. Again, that system of this close, safe, secure bond is really reinforced and consistent and developed. When we don’t have that, we don’t have that better start in life that he is talking about.
I like this, he says:
“Truth is, we can be – all of us – pains in the rear. When we recite our relationship vows perhaps we should say “I take you as my pain the rear, with all your history and baggage. And I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew… Because you are now in my care.” Hm. How many people would be willing to say those vows? And yet, in my experience and research this is exactly what I see couples in secure relationships doing.
It is a conscious choice they make. They agree to take each other as is, and take responsibility from one another’s care. As experts who understand their partner, they do what is necessary to relieve the other’s distress, or to amplify his/her elation.”
As a note, the way that I understand responsibility is not that we’re responsible for our partner’s happiness, or their well-being, or for their development. There’s no way we can actually do that, even if we tried. But the responsibility is to be in a caring, connected, co-creative relationship, that’s considerate and mindful… That our partner has unique and specific pains, and that if we’re aware, we’re going to want to help, and the responsibility is to wanna work with them. Again, this works really well in successful relationships, where both people are doing this. Again, there’s a unique way in which you’re customizing your love and care to the other person, and that you’re essentially getting that connection and that container of the relationship dialed into what is tailored to each person.
Dr. Stan Tatkin writes:
“The role of a primary partner is a big one. It entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear, and the only way for this to work is for it to be fully mutual. Both partners need to become experts on one another. With this kind of arrangement nobody really loses and nobody really truly wins.” And as I would say, a win/win that is synergistic; it’s not 1+1=2, it’s 1+1=far, far more.
Dr. John Gottman talks about how we will map our partner. We’re gathering information about them, we’re trying to understand them, we’re trying to predict, we’re trying to be able to anticipate, and gain, this is something that we do naturally, but will assist us with this care for one another, particularly if we’re combining it with these other resources and these other tools as far as calming our nervous system, being able to get back on board as far as being more regulated, and then being able to prioritize this very customized care for one another.
Personally, I can share that the ways that I comfort my husband, I have been developing over many years, and I’m still fine-tuning it. As I do think there’s some gender aspects that play into this, as well as how he’s dealt with his own hurt and pain, and relationally how we have managed that – without going into super-great detail, it’s been a process for me to get really clear and dialed in around how to show up for him in a way that hits the mark for him.
I love how Dr. Stan Tatkin is talking about how this ability seems so elusive, almost as though it’s a super-power… And I understand this. In my own process, I can definitely resonate with how confusing and uncertain this felt as I was grappling with the ways to show up for my husband. Once I have been able to identify the real clear themes, then it all seems that much more doable, in the sense that whatever is going on in our lives or what’s going on in his life, oftentimes it’s gonna filter down to pretty much 3-4 things. I’m not gonna share my husband’s process with you, but I’m gonna share the exercise that’s really helpful in being able to identify this.
In the same chapter, chapter four out of “Wired for love” by Dr. Stan Tatkin, he’s presenting an exercise. To set this exercise up, he has a section that’s titled “The 3 or 4 things that make your partner feel bad.” He writes:
“In fact, we all have a handful of issues with the particular power to make us feel bad. These issues typically originate during childhood, and we carry them into our adult relationships.”
If you have listened to the Empowered Relationship podcast for any length of time, you may have heard me mention my early upbringing, and that I lost my biological father at a very early age, and then lost a very significant father figure in my life, who since I’ve reconnected with, so… Much gratitude for that. And I also had had a lot of struggle with another father figure, and I had to really do some significant, profound work to address and heal that fear of abandonment that was often operating on a very core level, and that at one point in my life I was completely oblivious to and unconscious to. As soon as I became more conscious of it, I was able to work with it more actively, and thus have been able to really be able to be more specific and name it and help my husband know how to help me with it.
The exercise that Dr. Stan Tatkin is offering in this chapter four is twofold. The first part is titled “How you are vulnerable.” He writes:
“As an expert on your partner, you need to be familiar with the three or four things that make him/her feel bad. But as the saying goes, “Physicians, heal thyself.” In other words, before attempting to identify your partner’s vulnerabilities, it makes sense to have a handle on your own.”
He recommends taking a few minutes to really reflect and think about the times in your life when you have felt significant pain, or injury, or difficulty, and how that has impacted you, how it has left perhaps a hot button, or a sensitive spot.
Personally, I had been able to identify these areas through all of the personal growth work that I had done prior to actually even dating my now-husband, and this was pretty clear to me. However, if you are still getting acquainted with all the things that influence you, and how you might get triggered, or feel insecure, or get reactive to in relationship, it could be helpful to utilize his encouragement here, his exercise. Basically, he’s saying “Get out a piece of paper and have a pen/pencil, and write down the different fights or interactions that have brought a lot of anger, upset, distress to you. Just list them.” Then after you have unpacked that to the best of your ability — now, this could be in the last few years, you can even do a little bit more of an inventory of the last however many years, you could even span this out to previous relationships, you could go as deep as you want here… And what he’s saying is after you list this all, that you may be able to go back over it and look for the commonalities. As you look at the commonalities, you may be able to narrow the list down to 3-4 main vulnerabilities, a theme. In my example, it was fear of abandonment.
Other common vulnerabilities tend to be in the ballpark of afraid of not feeling good enough, being unlovable, not feeling cared about, not being seen, feeling alone, or possibly feeling intruded upon, feeling trapped, feeling controlled. They can also be things like feeling betrayed, or feeling lied to, or feeling mocked, or feeling teased. Again, looking for major themes and commonalities that might give you this 3-4 identification of the vulnerabilities.
The second exercise that Dr. Stan Tatkin is offering, again, in his book “Wired for love”, chapter 4, “How is your partner vulnerable? It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it’s even more important to know your partner’s. Knowing your partner’s 3 or 4 bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him/her. Not knowing these 3-4 things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you.”
In this exercise he recommends similarly sitting down with pen and paper and jotting down the things that you’ve heard your partner describe about what has been painful and distressing for them growing up, and then their life. Once you’ve done that, perhaps looking at the incidences, the arguments, the fights, the difficulties that your partner has felt very stressed or threatened or reactive to, and being able to jot those down. Once you’ve gathered a lot of those incidences, being able to look at them and then perhaps look at the commonalities, similarly, like you did in the first exercise, and you may be able to narrow them down to 3-4 main vulnerabilities.
Then he recommends as a final step being able to check it out with your partner. Now, you may even ask them to go through the first exercise and try to identify their 3-4 vulnerabilities first, and then being able to share what you came up with. This really might be able to help, again, tailor, dial in these specific vulnerabilities, so that you can develop the anecdote.
Several months ago – it could be close to a year now – my husband and I were down South, visiting a friend of mine. And it was a particularly great weekend for us to get away, because prior to this I had been working extremely hard; I had launched a course, and it was very demanding to continue my client work and continue producing the podcast, as well as creating all the curriculum and all the pieces to offer the course, and all the logistics around it. So I was pretty preoccupied and had been very devoted to my work, and I didn’t feel as available and attentive to my marriage and my relationship with my husband. And again, referencing my vulnerability around abandonment, it still lives in me. I’ve done so much healing work and feel really secure in my relationship, and in times of distress and stress, we typically will feel like we might regress at times, or we might feel those vulnerabilities emerge.
This particular weekend it was a great getaway, but I was dropping into my heart, recognizing how sad I felt, and how much I felt like he’s so important to me, and my number one, and how our relationship matters more than anything to me, and I don’t wanna jeopardize that, and I don’t wanna take it for granted… And I was expressing just my pain around this with my husband, and — I don’t even think I had all the words for it… And just his knowing me, and knowing my heart – and this was not something we talked about; we hadn’t done this exercise. It was just him being with me, and being able to recognize that underneath it I was probably afraid that he would maybe start to think of me differently, or it would have a negative impact on our relationship that I was working so hard… And again, this was for an acute time; it wasn’t something that I was asking him to sustain for any long length of time. But nonetheless, I’d still felt some anxiety.
I remember he was holding me, and I was just kind of feeling a little tearful, and he said something to the effect of “I’m with you. I’m not going anywhere. I love you. We are good”, and other reassuring comments. I can’t even remember, honestly; I don’t remember exactly what he said. I remember he just soothed that anxiety, and it felt so uplifting and healing and connecting for me to just feel him very clearly, specifically speak to that anxiety and provide that anecdote.
The final section I wanna share with you, again, out of this chapter four, Becoming Experts on One Another – he’s talking about how to develop the 3-4 anecdotes. The section is titled “The 3 or 4 things that make your partner feel good.” He writes:
“How many people actually know how to spontaneously make their partner feel happy and loved? I’m talking here of a phrase, a deed or an expression aimed at one’s partner, meant specifically to uplift him/her. I have seen partners married for 30 years who appear dumbfounded when challenged to brighten, move, charm or otherwise enamor one another… Yet this ability to spontaneously and predictably shift and elevate your partner’s mood or emotional state is a crucial aspect of being an expert on your partner.”
He writes:
“In my work with couples I have found most people don’t want their partner to change. Not really. They fundamentally appreciate their partner as they are. But people do want to know how to influence, motivate and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner. They wanna avoid pushing the other’s buttons, but that’s not enough. They also want to know the anecdotes to apply when things go awry. They wanna be privy to when and where their partner has an itch, so that they can scratch it for him/her.”
The last step to being able to offer this very specific, customized, tailored comfort to your significant other is perhaps developing the anecdote to those 3-4 vulnerabilities… And it might be helpful to just, again, pull out that piece of paper, that if you do decide to identify the 3-4 vulnerabilities for yourself and the 3-4 vulnerabilities for your significant other, and looking at those main themes… For those 3-4 main themes, look at what’s the opposite; what is the thing that would help soothe, comfort, reassure, help?
In Dr. Stan Tatkin’s book “Wired for love”, chapter 4, “Becoming experts on one another”, he offers a lot of examples around how people have these specific vulnerabilities and what anecdotes could help with that. He says:
“For instance, if my history has me doubting my worth as a parent, my partner can predictably brighten my mood with a spontaneous “You’re such a good father”, delivering it right into my eyes.”
If you have an opportunity to get this book, I highly recommend it. There’s some really helpful exercises, tools, and there’s a table here – table 4.2 – titled “What you can do to help your partner.” This is on page 82, and it’s a really helpful guide, because again, sometimes when we don’t know the landscape, we don’t know all that’s involved, we can feel like we’re trying to walk blindfolded; again, we just feel so perplexed and dumbfounded around how to navigate these waters. The chart offers ways in which someone who is a little more on the avoidant side of the attachment style, and what might be some of their vulnerabilities and ways that you can offer an anecdote to help them, to offer this comfort or uplifting.
Similarly, someone who’s a little more on the anxious side, perhaps what some of those common vulnerabilities are, and how to be considerate and mindful and supportive of them.
For instance, the vulnerability of feeling intruded upon – perhaps instead of just approaching your partner loudly and just launching into the thing that you wanna say, perhaps approaching them more quietly, and calling them by their name, and getting their attention, and then starting into what you want to discuss with them. So just approaching it in this more gentle way… And there’s some language that he offers. I love it – just having more repertoire around examples of things you might say.
In summary, in today’s episode we’re looking at how important it is to have the mindset in relationship that we have unique pains and vulnerabilities, and that when we enter into relationship we are essentially saying yes to caring for those parts; the parts of us that have been hurt in the past, maybe even had trauma or injury, and that that’s all a part of us. Even if it’s deep down, or perhaps it’s stuff we’ve worked with, that it’s all there, and we wanna really have that consciousness, that awareness and that mindfulness around creating that care and that container and that win/win of how we cultivate relationship together.
More specifically, utilizing Dr. Stan Tatkin’s exercises out of Wired For Love and looking at chapter 4 on how to become more of an expert on your partner, so that you can give this customized, tailored comfort that’s gonna be the anecdote that’s gonna uplift them, that’s gonna help heal and soothe the pain or distress that they might be in from time to time.
Thank you for listening. If you want access to today’s show notes, please visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes listed there. Again, today’s episode is 178, “How to comfort your significant other, Part II.”
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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