Return to Show NotesERP 181: How Do I Know When my Relationship is Over?
Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.
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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 181, “How do I know when my relationship is over?” This is in response to a few listeners’ questions over the last several months, and it might seem that this is a little outside of the scope of what I typically talk about. I am intending to support people who are interested in improving the quality of their relationship, and that this podcast is intended to support you in feeling better-prepared, more well-equipped in navigating long-term intimacy more successfully.
So when we’re looking at “Is this relationship over?” or “Should I stay or should I go?”, there’s a real contemplation of ending the relationship or the marriage… Sometimes we may be faced with having to come to clarity around what we’re willing to say no to, so that we can fully stand in the yes of what we are wanting to show up for and what we are wanting to cultivate. And unfortunately, I have a few clients that are really struggling and grappling with this question. One couple has a child together, another one has been married for 20+ years, and there can be a lot on the line. So this is complicated, and I respect that. Some of you who have reached out or engaged, or have been in a long-term relationship for a really long time and are really questioning if it is in your highest good, and if the relationship is serving you.
When we’re questioning a relationship or marriage, it’s often coming from a deep level of unhappiness and discontent, or high levels of distress, high conflict. Or even perhaps a great level of disconnect – not feeling close, not feeling bonded, not feeling together. When we’re experiencing this great level of pain, despair often, we will want to initiate some level of change, and that’s where we might question the relationship – “I don’t wanna do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not healthy for me”, and there is also something to be said about changing the relationship dynamic and the patterns. “I’m no longer willing to do this dance with you anymore, and I’m interested in exploring something new, which may require me to show up differently, set boundaries, and not engage in ways that I’ve engaged in the past.”
“I also may be clear in my requests around how I would love to experience a new pattern with you, and we may need to get support around how to do that… And it may end up being that we will choose not to be together… That’s a fact, but at least there’s an opportunity to explore a new pattern together.” Look, when we’re contemplating ending a relationship, most of us have tried many things, so we feel as though we’ve exhausted all possibility… So I just wanna hold space for sometimes it really does mean changing the rules, and there could be possibility.
Now, I see this because I work with couples, this is what I do, and I am in the business of helping people undo unhealthy, perhaps even toxic, old patterns that create disconnect, and build new patterns of connection. And there is a level of practice here, and a learning curve to this. Sometimes people are exhausted, have lost hope, are really checked out and withdrawn, and really have in their own minds and in their own hearts said no to the relationship, even though they may physically still be there.
In today’s episode I’m going to give you some considerations for things to look out for or be aware of as you’re evaluating how to know if your relationship is over and whether or not you should stay or go. There are a couple areas where it’s very difficult to work on the relationship and create a new pattern, and that is when your significant other is not willing to work on the dynamic, work on the relationship, and they’re not willing to address issues, especially in the area of not addressing alcoholism, or addiction to some substance, or some addiction, period. Or perhaps they are resorting to and engaged in active forms of abuse – physical violence, emotional abuse and manipulation, or even some type of sexual abuse. Those things, if they’re not willing to look at or address, it can be very difficult to up-level the relationship.
Also, if someone’s actively having an affair, engaging in infidelity, and is not willing to put an end to it. In addition, if one or both people have really checked out and withdrawn from the relationship, they live parallel lives, they’re thinking about their life with other people and life without their partner, and it’s almost as if they’ve in their own hearts and minds ended the relationship, they’re just physically still there.
As I mention these more extreme scenarios – active addiction and alcoholism, physical abuse, or some other form of abuse, infidelity and refusing to end it, and being completely checked out of the relationship, this is not to blame the person that might be engaged in these activities, or in one of these activities. It’s more to recognize this dynamic, this behavior is not healthy, and is not allowing for real relationship. And ultimately, that’s the goal. We’re striving to be more connected and present within ourselves, and present to our significant other. And as we do that, we are growing the relationship, the depth of intimacy. So it really requires two people to be present and connected with themselves, and then being available to the other person.
In today’s episode I’m giving you some considerations to think about if you’re in a position of trying to discern if your relationship is over, or whether or not you should stay or go… Because as I mentioned, in my line of work I see a lot of possibility, and I recognize and help people understand their coping mechanisms, their defensive strategies and how that creates disconnect.
For example, someone — I am working with a couple and they’re considering whether or not they should stay together, and their dynamic is he tends to avoid or ignore tough topics; he’s trying to protect the relationship, he doesn’t want them to argue, so he’s trying to preserve their sense of harmony, and she’s feeling largely ignored and not listened to and abandoned, and not as though he’s with her. So this escalates, and there’s a lot of disconnect here.
Again, when I listen to both of their experiences, it makes sense. I’m trying to help them understand what’s going on underneath those tendencies, so that they can have a more genuine connection and more vulnerability in what they’re experiencing. Most of the time when we don’t feel safe, we don’t know how to do that; that’s largely what I talk about on this podcast – helping you feel a little more equipped and skillful to navigate some of this upset and distress when we feel threatened or challenged in relationship.
Overall, relationships are so personal, so unique, and so specific to the two individuals engaged in relationship, so when we’re contemplating whether or not we should continue relationship, this is such a personal decision, that has to really be resonant. A lot of times when I have heard people really feeling conflicted and ambivalent, they might even feel out of alignment… And that their head says one thing and their heart says something else, or their gut has a different instinct… And when we’re getting mixed messages about our experience, it’s hard to know what the right decision is, and we tend to look towards our friends’ feedback, or family’s feedback, or we hop online and try to google things, and even listen to podcasts.
So my goal is here to provide some contemplation, things to think about, and really measure for yourself and try to have some insight into where you fall on some of these topics… Because I’m gonna be speaking in general about relationship; some things may not really matter that much to you, it’s not of high value for you, where other things may have a lot of significance. So I really want you to just pay attention to what you feel in your body, in your heart, in your heart as you’re listening.
And yes, our mind helps us be practical and logical, but sometimes it also runs the risk of telling stories, justifying, rationalizing, and that can lead us astray, or keep us in this mental limbo and looping, which tends to not give a lot of relief and resolve.
So again, the invitation is just to feel in your body, feel your physical sensation, and kind of what your breath feels like as you’re listening, and also reflecting on your own experience and your own emotion as you think about your relationship and your dynamic. And again, with the recognition that there might be a possibility to change the dynamic, but it might require getting some support to do that, or really recognizing that this is not in your highest good, it’s not in the health of you or your significant other, and that there is a real clarity to say no and to take action around that.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, again, episode 181, “How to know when my relationship is over? Should I stay or should I go?” You can find that on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes there.
As I’m providing you 11 considerations, as we are looking at the health of the relationship and the relational dynamics, and as we do that, I’m framing it in the negative. What I did to prepare for this is I looked at what are all the areas that really contribute to a sense of a thriving, healthy, vital relationship, and I really just reversed that.
Number one, having grossly different values, really wanting different things. Perhaps he wants children and I don’t. Or perhaps there’s a real pursuit for finances and growth in career and excelling in the industry that one individual is in, and the other one really just wants to feel a sense of peace and connection and family and wants to feel that time, that quality time.
Granted, Dr. John Gottman talks about how there are 7-8 irreconcilable differences in any relationship, and I think I’ve mentioned that in previous podcasts. That’s anywhere from “He’s an extrovert, I’m an introvert. She’s a spender, I’m the saver. The planner/the spontaneous one.” And there could be many things. The more expressive one, the more contained one. The more grounded one, the more excitable one. These things can be complementary, or even over the course of time Carl Jung talked about two individuals will over the course of time start to learn from one another; we’re expanding our capacity of the full spectrum experience, that we’re not so aligned with one aspect. We get to explore this fuller range, and there’s a health in being able to do that.
So in relationship we can learn from each other and we can complement each other. But at the same time, there are a sense of values and interests around how we wanna live life, our vision for life. That can be really grossly different, and there can be a lot of conflict in a real sense of “I don’t know how to do relationship with you with these very grossly different values.”
I’ll just share personally — if you’ve listened to some of my story around what got me into really studying relationship in a more in-depth way was my own heartbreak, my own loss and having relationship failure… And through my own study and my own applying the principles that I was learning, and then coming into my Ph.D. program and essentially doing my dissertation on more conscious, intimate relationship, I really recognized my highest value in being in relationship is growth. Growth for myself and growth for the relationship. That was one of the things that I had in my mind as I was choosing a partner. And thanks goodness, my husband – and we have been together for 13+ years – very much is committed to that value as well.
Again, we don’t need to be lined up and completely in sync on every value, but there are shared values, so that we can share a life together and a vision together… Because everything is so separate — how do we live parallel lives and feel connected if we don’t have any interests that overlap or are shared?
Number two, a loss of friendship, almost so much that you don’t enjoy spending time together. Perhaps you don’t even like your partner. Or even worse, you don’t even like yourself with your partner.
I have a client that I’ve worked with for many years, and he talks about his previous relationship and marriage, where he did not like himself because he didn’t show up; he did not feel safe to talk about what mattered to him. He felt highly criticized, he felt highly judged and attacked even, for what he wanted and his desire. He felt so much pain even existing in that relationship.
Another thing to consider around the loss of friendship is positive interactions compared to negative interactions. The level of conflict or fighting or disagreement, or even the subtle contemptuous eye-rolling, scoffing, ignoring, dismissing, non-verbally turning away – all of these cues are more negative. Or when we have that sarcastic tone, or accusatory tone that’s more negative. And when we have a higher proportion of negative interactions to positive, it can really start to tip the scale and feeling “Where’s the value here? What am I getting out of this?” Or perhaps it’s becoming increasingly difficult to have fun together. Or perhaps you’re noticing a level of resentment building.
I have a friend who’s really contemplating her relationship right now, and she’s recognizing “I have these resentments, this accumulation, and it’s coming out in very small, subtle ways, where this is not how I know myself to be, but it’s more of a reflection of my deeper dissatisfaction and my deeper discontent.” So she’s really looking at “Can I have an open heart? Can I really say yes to giving our relationship more time and space to explore something new or more possibility together”, and really gauging “Is she feeling too resentful? Is she starting to really dislike her significant other?”
This leads into number three, beginning to have little to no respect for your significant other. Because again, if we’re not liking them, or there’s these unresolved issues and we are feeling unmet, or our needs aren’t being taken care of and we’re really feeling disregarded and hurt, and it’s unresolved, it can really start to put a lens on our perspective towards our partner, which impacts our kindness, our sense of goodwill and generosity. And those things are really critical, and again, help with the more positive interactions, help build this positive dynamic.
There’s this upward, supportive connection feeling, rather than the downward spiral… Because we tend to play off of each other. If someone says something a little curt or rude, then we want to often naturally just kind of rebuttal or give our partner a bit of a cold shoulder or a snub, and then it just continues to feed a negative loop.
With number three, recognizing the level or respect that you have for your significant other, you wanna be aware to spot signs of contempt, such as mocking, sneering, hostile insults, or perhaps even just again that regard that you have for your partner, or maybe even you’ve lost hope; you wanna stop trying, or you just feel like “What’s the purpose, what’s the use of even investing?” Again, we’re weighing often times the value and “What am I getting out of this? Is it worth it to really invest?” That’s, again, where we get into this dangerous place where we’ve lost that goodwill and that sense of kindness.
The other thing that’s worth mentioning here is how Dr. Susan Johnson talks about the responsiveness, using the acronym ARE. Are you available, responsive and engaged… And the simple fact of if your significant other makes a remark, are you listening and do you respond? Perhaps if they make a little joke, do you laugh? Or perhaps you didn’t even hear what they said, and you say “Excuse me, I didn’t hear that” or “Can you repeat that?” And that you’re responding more often than not.
It’s a dangerous sign when partners don’t respond to one another. One of them might comment on something that they’re noticing… “Oh wow, it’s a beautiful sunset”, and their partner says nothing. Doesn’t even look up. Or whatever the sentiment or the expression is, there’s no response; that’s an indication of the lack of connection and the lack of regard and respect.
Number four – a lack of connection and closeness. If something exciting happens to you, or perhaps something really challenging happens to you, or you get really good news, who is it that you turn to? Who is it that you wanna share with, and who is it that really matters to you, that you’re investing in that connection? Your special person, your significant other. Where you wanna feel close, bonded, cared for, connected with, and that there’s subtle ways – perhaps you and your significant other text throughout the day, or you leave each other messages, or perhaps you know that perhaps there’s not a lot of contact throughout the day, but that you spend time together in the evening… Whether or not it’s doing something special, having dinner together, taking a walk, or just sharing about your day.
Or perhaps it’s even less than that. Maybe you have a date night. There’s a lot going on, and you know there is a special time that’s carved out for you and your significant other. So if you find that you do not feel close — and as I was mentioning a moment ago, a client that I work with, in his previous relationship felt great disconnect, didn’t feel safe… His significant other did not know him really, because he was hiding himself. He didn’t feel safe to share, safe to express and to really turn towards his significant other, and there’s that lack of connection.
Number five, a non-existent sex life. It’s very common in today’s modern society for people to be exhausted, tired, depleted, stressed from daily activities or demands of life, especially having children, or high career output, and there’s not a lot left over at the end of the day. And so it’s really typical sometimes for people to have to negotiate that, “When are we available for sex?” Sometimes it’s not just leaving it up to whether or not we feel into it or not, because sometimes that’s not gonna line up when your partner is into it and you’re not, or vice versa. It’s hard to have all of that really sync up. Sometimes we have to be intentional about being a yes to expressing and nurturing the sexual intimacy. And how we do that – we have to sometimes figure that out.
But that’s a big difference between having to negotiate a life, and finding a place that we can really come into connection and be available and present… Because we want to; there’s the desire, but it’s helping support that desire and that happening. Whereas not being interested, being turned off, and not liking your partner and not wanting to share in that way with your significant other – that’s notable; that’s something really significant around “I am not physically, sexually open to you.” And again, not that any one of these things is a deal-breaker; however, they are signs of a lack of connection and a disrupt in the bond and the relationship. And again, if you’re contemplating “Is it too far gone?”, these are some of the things to be measuring in your relationship.
Number six, not feeling safe to be yourself. If you find yourself hiding, or withholding, or not sharing something that really means something to you, or matters to you… Now, this might be more notable if you know yourself to feel comfortable to share, typically, but you are in your relationship hiding and withholding. There’s a contrast there to how you normally are, and then how you are in relationship.
Now, if you know yourself to be one that has trouble felling safe and hasn’t known that experience in the past, of really feeling safe and feeling like people are interested, and are going to give attunement and curiosity and interest in your emotional world, then you might not feel comfortable with that, period. So that’s something a little different, in that it’s just across the board something that’s hard for you, and that in and of itself is something to work on, but it might not be an indication that your relationship is in trouble, because this is just something that you’re still working on.
But if you really notice that you feel safe with other people, but not with your significant other, that’s something to really pay attention to. Not sharing your feelings, or if you get that great news, you wanna turn to someone else; or if you’re really struggling and you’re looking for comfort and looking for support, you turn to someone else, not your significant other. Those are things to just notice.
Also, not being able to be vulnerable, not able to reveal and really show what’s going on for you. Again, a lot of couples struggle with this, and that’s what I try to really help people experience, is that safety to be more vulnerable together. But again, as we’re looking at the context of “Are we in trouble? Is our relationship not working?”, there’s often a level of injury that’s happened in the past, and we haven’t had resolve… Or perhaps there’s patterns of disconnect and we’re really feeling at a loss of how to be close and be connected… And then there’s a lot of other things that might be going on to contribute to the distress and the discontent. Those are real things to pay attention to.
The other thing that is worth mentioning in the way of not feeling safe is not trusting your partner. Perhaps there’s broken agreements, broken boundaries, or perhaps there’s been lying, or dishonesty of some sort, and that is typically really important to address, because it’s really hard to move forward with someone you do not trust.
I have a couple that I have been working with, and they are in quite a bit of contemplation around their marriage. They’re really recognizing a pattern in their relationship, and it’s pretty deeply-entrenched. The husband finds a high degree of panic and fear and shame and hiding and desire to please. And so when he feels his wife reach to him and wanna engage him, that pattern of connection he’s just not used to. He grew up in a family where emotions were not a part of the dynamic at all. All he felt emotionally was what he felt when he was alone in his room…
So he’s at a great loss around how to feel safe in connection, and also a lot of expectations and judgment and critic of himself that gets in the way of him just being like “Here’s what’s real. I’m a little scared” or “I wanna reach to you, but I don’t know how.” So there’s a lot of injury in their relationship, where there has been a breach of trust or a not following through with agreements, or even breaking of agreements and boundaries. So they’re really trying to find a space where they can get on a foundation of security and safety and clarity… And they’re doing a lot of work to get there, and it’s really hard, especially for the wife, as she’s dealing with a lot of distrust, and grappling with what’s real, and where can she stand, where is the ground solid.
Number seven, not honoring your boundaries. Sometimes in relationship we will get confronted with surprising feelings. Perhaps we feel threatened, or feel insecure, or feel scared, or unhappy, or sad, and we have to learn from that. Sometimes we will develop boundaries along the way. And perhaps we didn’t know them ahead of time. And sometimes we know them before we get into relationship.
The key here is to do your best to be in connection with yourself and take ownership, and some level of responsibility of what you’re feeling. In this example of the clients that I am referring to, she does describe some level of not liking herself and being angry with herself, because she’s had boundaries from very even early on in their dynamic, that she didn’t hold. And when she gets really vulnerable and honest, she recognizes that “I’m afraid he will not be there, or that I’ll lose him. And I love him. I feel as though I have to settle or compromise my boundary to be with him.”
And I’ve challenged her a little bit here, in that if she were to hold a boundary, that it would perhaps give him an opportunity to work towards stepping to her, or meeting her, or achieving the type of quality of connection that she’s looking for. Because if she’s engaging in a lower level of relationship and she’s not happy, she’s angry with him and she’s feeling resentful, she’s upset with herself, he’s feeling all of that, and that contributes to his fear and his overwhelm and inadequacy, and then that contributes to him feeling at a great loss around how to step to her.
And I guess I wondered with her, if you did hold a clean, clear boundary, then it would be almost as if “I’m not gonna engage until you’re in a position to reach towards me with genuine presencing. That would be interesting, and we would get to explore that together.” It does require being willing to deal with great grief of like “I might lose him.” So it really puts the position of “Do I compromise my boundaries and myself to maintain relationship because I don’t wanna lose him?, yet the quality of the relationship is so dissatisfying, so distressing and so disconnected that I’m not fulfilled, I’m not happy, I am constantly feeling just in great turmoil… Or do I run the risk of losing him, but holding on to myself and my own integrity, and hold the space for the type of relationship that I want to cultivate? Really taking a stand for the quality of connection that I long for.”
So it’s really hard work, and it’s really profound work when I have seen it, because we are participating in the thing that we want, rather than participating in the thing we don’t want. So again, this is tricky, and I really encourage getting support around how to navigate these waters, because it’s incredibly fraught, especially when you add life on top of that, and all the different ways that we’re feeling stressed, whether or not it’s financial, or family, or home, or children… There’s a lot here.
The other thing with boundaries is just, again, recognizing if you have some real deal-breakers. Again, as I mentioned in the onset of this show, some active alcoholism, addiction, or perhaps some level of infidelity… And if you’ve missed some of the episodes that I have on these topics, I wanna encourage you to check that out. I will make sure to put that on today’s show notes, so you can supplement today’s episode with those experts’ contribution on this show about infidelity, and also about addiction.
And just recognizing that if there’s some real deal-breakers happening, that’s something to really pay attention to. Because if you start compromising your deal-breaker, then that can put you in a position where not only are you unhappy, hurt, injured and feeling great disconnect, but you’re also feeling a lack of integrity, you’re not liking yourself, and there’s a great deal of pain there.
Number eight – measuring your level of reactivity, your level of insecurity, your level of fear, pain, resentments, perhaps even projecting your unmet expectations, or even unconscious patterns that might remind you of previous relationships, or even your family of origin dynamics. All of these things contribute to perpetual pain, and these unconscious cycles. So just to notice when you’re feeling pain and unhappy, just your level of reactivity and your level of engagement in behaviors that perhaps you don’t like. I hear many times people talk about “Oh my gosh, when I go into that fight, flight or free, I do and I say things that I’m not happy about, or I’m not proud of. I can’t even believe that I said that.”
You wanna pay attention to how often you’re in that fight, flight or freeze, and how often you’re engaging in that level of reactivity and protection… Because usually, that’s gonna lead towards nothing productive. There’s a lot of research that shows us when we’re in that fight, flight or freeze, all of the very important part of our brain that allows us to regulate emotion, understand emotion and others have higher levels of dialogue, and communication is offline. We can’t even access it. So if we’re in that very visceral, nervous system protecting mode, we’re gonna be ready to fight and we’re likely to perhaps do and say things we are not proud of. So perhaps to just recognize and evaluate how much time you’re spending in this elevated, stressed state, the reactivity… Because it’s likely not supporting you and your health, as well as the health of your relationship; that could be something to pay attention to as you’re evaluating “Is your relationship over, and should you stay or go?”
I have a couple more here for you. Number nine – not able to communicate. Again, this is similar to number eight, in just the resentments, the reactions getting in the way of communicating clearly. So if we have a deeper need, a deeper longing, or a deeper feeling – feeling scared, feeling sad, feeling hurt, feeling afraid of abandonment, or not feeling good enough, or perhaps really longing for closeness, attention and connection – that’ usually operating underneath the surface… And what we’re typically aware of is feeling angry, or feeling like “You screwed up! It’s your fault!”, and we have all this intense reaction, but underneath it there’s some deeper, more vulnerable feelings. And when we’re not in touch with that, it’s really, really hard to be clear with our significant other and make a clear request.
So often when I’m seeing couples in distress and in disconnect patterns, even both partners are not making real clear, vulnerable requests, in non-blaming ways. They’re not making a very specific request, and they’re not getting their needs met. But oftentimes their partner is so confused and didn’t even know that that’s what they were wanting. It’s really hidden beneath all the reactions and accusations, criticisms and all of the protest… So part of the discovery is recognizing there’s some real deeper, really understandable desire, feeling, need, and it’s not getting met, and it’s hard to talk about, because it’s vulnerable. So when we’re not communicating and that stuff is not accessible – oh man, those are real difficult patterns to really feel like you can break through.
Again, I would get some support with this if you notice that there is very little communication happening, there’s a lot of conflict, you’re not understanding each other, it feels like you’re speaking different languages, and you’re really feeling at a loss around how to help your partner know what is going on for you on a deeper level… Or perhaps even you don’t know what’s going on. You’re just really unhappy.
Again, this might mean — this is your decision here, to recognize “I’m done. I’m over, and this is really the end of the road for me.” You have full choice and prerogative to do that and to say that and claim that. And if you feel like there’s a possibility to explore a new pattern, that’s where I would encourage getting some support… Because oftentimes we do the best we can, and we’re working with perhaps tools that helped us in the past, maybe even with the family, and got us through that dynamics, but perhaps don’t serve us in the type of relationship we’re trying to create now… So we’re needing some better tools and better ways of relating, that help assist in cultivating these patterns.
Number ten, not able to work together to address concerns, difficulties or challenges. This might be in the way of parenting, domestic duties, or decision-making, or money, finances, or family and community… You just really feel like you bump heads, and you’re kind of at odds often, and that it’s really difficult to feel, again, that you wanna help. You have difficulty feeling compassion and empathy towards your partner, and again, you might be overwhelmed with resentment and contempt, but recognizing you don’t wanna help your partner, you don’t really wanna care for them, and they’re not caring for you, or not seemingly interested in helping you.
Now, again, I wanna comment on what I was just speaking about, that when couples are caught in this reactive dynamic, they’re defending and they’re protecting themselves and they’re trying to engage, but they’re really caught in the reactions. They’re not talking about the deeper, vulnerable truths. And when we talk about the deeper, vulnerable truths, that’s where we tend to come close. The research shows that it brings people together when we talk about the more vulnerable truths; and when we engage on the reactivity level, it tends to push people away.
So we’re likely not gonna be compassionate and empathetic and wanna help when our partner is criticizing us, or blaming us, or being rude to us. That’s just natural. But again, if we can drop into that deeper vulnerability, that’s usually when people soften and they feel the desire to want to help. This is sometimes difficult to get at, but again, what I’m trying to point to here is if there is a clear request, if there is a vulnerable share, and there’s a lack of wanting to help and a lack of care, that’s notable; the lack of interest and the lack of desire to engage when there’s that real share – it’s hard to be in relationship.
Lastly, the willingness to get support, to get feedback, to get input, whether or not it’s from a book, a group, a therapist, a coach… Someone that is well-trained, that has an understanding of how to assist and guide couples in building connection, and really getting out of the disconnect.
Let’s recap:
- Grossly different values
- A loss of friendship
- Little to no respect
- A lack of connection and closeness
- A non-existent sex life
- Not feeling safe
- Not honoring your boundaries
- Not feeling happy, and having a high level of reactivity
- Not able to communicate
- Not able to work together to address concerns, difficulties and challenges
- Not willing to get support.
These are all things I would encourage you to consider when you’re weighing out “Is your relationship over?” And again, this is a very personal, individual decision to make, and I wanna really encourage you to drop into your deeper wisdom and accessing your body’s sensation, perhaps your sense of higher self, and your gut instinct… And maybe spend some real quality time dropping into that space, so you can listen to that deeper knowing in you.
Sometimes for me — I have a podcast; I think it was my first podcast that I was feeling so confused in relationship, and wasn’t really sure if I was wanting to continue the relationship. I was in Hawaii and I just ended up journaling, and trying, and really getting in touch with some things that I had not been really paying attention to, and it really gave me a lot of clarity and insight. So if you wanna check out that episode, I think it’s episode number one.
At any rate, I just wanna honor the call in you to feel happy, and to feel safe, and fulfilled in relationship, and if you’re not feeling that, to really take a stand for health. Health for you, health for your relationship and your significant other. You participating in toxic, unhealthy patterns isn’t serving anyone… So possibly by saying no, you may have some space to say yes to something new, whether or not that’s with your current significant other, or perhaps it means down the road with someone else.
If you would like to access today’s show notes, again, you can visit my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com. Today’s episode is 181, “How to know when my relationship is over? Should I stay or should I go?”
If you have a question that you would like to submit for this podcast, you can also see the ways to reach me on my contact page. Again, the website is DrJessicaHiggins.com. And if you want to receive live, laser coaching, there’s also some guidance around how to apply for that.
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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