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ERP 182: How to Encourage Your Partner to go to Therapy

            Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 182, “How to encourage your partner to go to therapy” (or counseling, or coaching). This question is in response to a few listeners’ question, and also is loosely tied to the last podcast episode (181), “How to know when my relationship is over.”

Oftentimes when people are contemplating or doubting their relationship, they will seek help. And typically, they want to know that they’ve done everything that they can, so they will seek professional assistance. Sometimes one partner is more interested in doing this than the other, and we’re gonna talk a little bit about that today. We’re also gonna talk about when one partner is concerned about the well-being of their significant other, and how to negotiate that, because it can be really sensitive.

Before we get started in today’s episode, I wanna join with you in focusing and centering into today’s intention. Perhaps if you are tuning in and have something on your mind or in your heart that you’re interested in getting some support with, I just wanna encourage you to name that, acknowledge that, give space for that.

And for the Empowered Relationship Podcast, my intention is to support you in feeling better-equipped in negotiating tricky matters in intimate relationship, so that you feel more courage, you feel more support; these conversations help you contemplate and consider new ideas, help you have access to research and other experts’ opinions and different theories that give you some more to work with, more information to consider, so that when you go into these conversations with your significant other, you have backing.

The Empowered Relationship Podcast is intended to have your back, and that you’re better prepared, more well-equipped in cultivating, co-creating a long-lasting, intimate relationship with your significant other, that you feel good about, that represents you and your partner, and again, that it’s alive, authentic and fulfilling.

As I have said in previous episodes, I am walking this walk with you. I believe that this is a journey of development, and that we are in a community together, and I so appreciate when you reach out to me and let me know how this show has supported you, the difference it’s made. This is why I do what I do and why I am so passionate about helping support the betterment of intimate relationships… And ultimately, that it really has that ripple effect. If we have children or community, that we all are benefitted from a healthy, loving, connected relationship.

If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com. Again, click on the Podcast link at the top and you can access all the shows there. The most recent one is at the top. Today’s episode is, again, 182, “How to encourage your partner to go to therapy counseling/coaching.” Let’s get started with today’s episode.

Again, as I mentioned, I’ve had several listeners ask a variation of this question, whether or not they’re struggling with the relationship in general, and some of the dynamics, and really wanting to get support from a trained specialist, a coach, therapist, psychologist or counselor, and that they’re having a really hard time getting their significant other bought in, or willing. Or I’ve had other listeners really say “I am watching my significant other struggle, and I see his/her difficulty, and I’m very concerned. I do my best to help, but I do think my partner could greatly benefit from engaging with a professional, and I don’t know how to suggest that.”

First off, I just wanna acknowledge, it is so incredibly painful to watch someone you love who’s hurting, in pain and struggling, and to feel powerless, not being able to help or not being able to assist in any meaningful way. Really, it’s their journey that they’re on, and as our partner, we’re witness to that. And as we all know, it’s so common to be able to see things more clearly from the outside. We have that perspective and we can see what’s going on, and we have (again) a better angle to identify. So when we’re in it, it’s often harder to see as clearly. So with our significant other, we often can see what they’re dealing with, and perhaps can see a path more clearly than they can… Whether or not it’s their needing some extra support, or a trained, empathetic, listening ear, someone who’s extremely skilled and can offer more direction.

At the same time, as much as we love someone and wish them the very best and want nothing but goodness for them, and wanna help, and would do anything, your partner is living their life, and they are making their own decisions. We can’t do it for them, we can’t live it for them, and there’s something unique and special about what they’re up against, and we don’t always know what that is.

Many months ago I was on the phone with my dear lifelong friend, my best friend, since I was very young, and she’s in the health and wellness industry, and her mother is a coach, high-level master coach, and has a lot of experience teaching and leading people within the personal growth and spiritual aspects of life. And that’s just some context to the situation.

So I’m on the phone with my dear friend, and I was actually having a little bit of a hard time. I was struggling with this very similar thing of how to offer feedback, or how to offer support to a loved one; witness to their struggle, but also how to help. I had wanted to kind of talk with her a little, and maybe even ask for her help, but the flow of the conversation was interesting, because what ended up happening is I got the support that I was looking for, although I never even asked the question and we never even talked about what was going on for me…

And on a side note, I feel very comfortable being direct with her, and vulnerable, and transparent, and asking her questions. It just happened to be the way the conversation flowed, I got what I needed from a story that she told. And I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject, but she was telling me about her friendship with someone that she greatly admires, and is very successful in many regards, although there’s one area of her life, and it’s the relationship aspect of her life that she struggles and continues to repeat some pretty difficult patterns.

So again, just to give the clear context – this is my best friend that I’m talking to, and she’s talking about a friend of her’s, and just the difficulty of that friendship and how to support her, but also having perhaps some judgment about her choices, and continuing to repeat some dysfunctional and unhealthy patterns. And so she told the story that she was lamenting to her mother, who again, is this high-level master coach, and she was just in pain, and lamenting about her friend and her choices, and the pain that she’s in, and how to help… And she was saying something to the effect of like “I wish I could just take it all away. I wish I could make it better. I don’t know how to help, and I don’t know how to really help support her moving through this.”

And her mother looked at her with such conviction – and I don’t remember the exact words, but I think it went something like “Don’t wish away someone’s pain and difficulty, because you’re wishing away their learnings and their lessons. This is their curriculum for their development.” It was just such a beautiful thing to hear in that moment, because it puts perspective in that when we wanna take away someone’s struggle, we’re perhaps taking away the opportunity for them to learn what they’re learning.

And I get it that sometimes from the outside it looks like “When will they learn? Are they learning, or are they just continually perpetuating suffering and pain?” And again, this is a really difficult thing to discern, and honestly, I don’t even know that it’s up for us to discern. As a loving, compassionate witness to someone else, there are things we can do, and the bottom line is it’s up to them; they have ultimate choice in how they negotiate and handle their choices and their life. And when it comes to encouraging your partner to seek out therapy, counseling, coaching, either by themselves or with you, it’s something that I would recommend be resonant with them, they’re bought in and they’re engaged. Because even if you physically get them there, they’re not gonna get very much out of it if they don’t fully show up and bring what’s true and real for them. They could easily do the time and not have any result from the therapeutic process if they don’t really wanna be there.

Before offering tips around how to negotiate this conversation with your significant other, I wanna first ask you to consider how come you want your partner to go to counseling, therapy or coaching? What would you get out of it? If your partner went to get support, what do you imagine that would allow you to feel? And this might be helpful for you to get really clear on where your energy is around this; what has a lot of juice, what has a lot of meaning, and perhaps even your agenda. For some people, it could just be like “I am extremely worried and concerned.”

I had one listener reach out who said “I’m just watching my partner avoid his pain. He’s working a lot, he doesn’t have any support, he’s up against some really difficult things in his life, and I can see that this is just compounding for him, and I don’t know what to do. It greatly concerns me.”

Or perhaps you have an issue, and things are not working for you. You’re recognizing “I can’t sustain this. I’ve been trying to help, and it’s a lot. I’m overwhelmed, I’m burnt out, I’m starting to get resentful of your difficulties or your challenges.” Because what can happen is if we have the intention to help and to prioritize our partner’s difficulty, over time it looks like our partner’s difficulty dominates the relationship, and really, we need to have a balance where both people’s needs, both people’s preferences are considered. So if one person is in the position of giving and giving, it starts to create this imbalance and it’s hard to sustain that. And again, like I’m saying, it’s easy to get resentful, it’s easy to get burnt out.

It reminds me of a guest that I had on the show, and it was in more severe circumstances around chronic illness, life-threatening illness, and how when partners are faced with that, and one person has chronic illness or life-threatening illness, it could be easy to just put that front and center and make that everything… And she was very clear that that does not work. It’s gotta be “We’re both in this, and we both matter”, because a caregiver is human and has needs, and needs to feel sustained in the process as well. If you’re interested in checking out that episode, I’ll make sure to put the link on today’s show notes.

So after you’ve had a chance to get in touch with where you’re coming from, as you contemplate addressing your partner about getting some support, it could be helpful to provide a little more context. Again, as you imagine yourself approaching this conversation  – and I’m gonna give you some tips around what to be thinking about and what to be aware of as you address your significant other. But again, if we can just hold an intention here… Because what I see more often than not – if someone’s contemplating needing support, or wanting their significant other to get more support, they’re approaching a threshold.

What we wanna do is we want to discuss and address it before we’re actually at that threshold, because traditionally in the past, people wouldn’t seek help until their are in so, so, so much pain, or perhaps even at their wits’ end… Or even worse, have completely checked out of the relationship and they’re just going through the motions to clear their conscience that they’ve tried everything, but they’ve actually already left the relationship emotionally. Therefore, one of the intentions could be “I would like to work with you. I don’t wanna just get to a limit and call it quits”, because I have had clients reach out to me or tell me stories about their significant other leaving them, or seemingly on a dime, end the relationship… And there’s so much grief and so much loss in that experience.

Actually, I have a client that recently reached out to me, and his wife has left him. They have two young children, and he knew that they were still working out some things, but he didn’t realize that she was at this threshold, and he is dealing with so much grief and upset, and he wants to be a part of his children’s lives more, and just – disrupt for the whole family.

So if we can have these conversations before we get to this limit, I think it is much better to try to work that out together. And again, this is where it gets tricky, because I imagine — I’ve only met with this client once, and I’m sure that her experience is that she has tried to reach him, and she has tried to get his attention. And the other thing here is that when we’re addressing this conversation around “I feel like we need support” or “I wanna talk about the idea of you getting support”, the frame of this could be “I don’t wanna be critical of you. I don’t wanna be resentful, I don’t wanna nag, I don’t wanna yell, I don’t wanna be upset with you. I also struggle with how to engage you on this topic. I feel sensitive, it’s hard to talk about, and I’m at a loss.”

So there could just be some context to just even approaching this conversation with some awareness that this is not easy at all, and that the intention is to work with him, or to work with her, and to look at this in a more open-hearted way.

Okay, let’s turn to some of the things to consider as you negotiate this topic, or approach your partner with this topic. Number one, I’d really recommend choosing a calm, more connected moment to bring up the topic. Not in an argument, not in a frustrated, irritated, critical tone. I know this seems obvious, but what I find with people is that when we feel that irritation or we feel that frustration, or there’s something that triggers that upset, we have a little more fuel, where anger can actually encourage us to take action, but it also can distort the message.

Your partner is gonna be more aware that you’re upset or that you’re mad, and they’re gonna have a difficult time understanding your deeper feeling, which might be “I’m sad, or I’m hurt, or I’m scared.” And so while it might give us that boost to have the conversation, it might lead us down a little bit of a detour, which could feel like we’re not talking about what I really wanna talk about.

And I know, I get it – people tell me all the time, “I don’t wanna bring this up when things are going well. We crave to have those more calm, connected moments, and why would I wanna rock that boat? …because this is what I’m looking for.” But if there’s a bigger pattern that’s playing out, I wanna encourage some long-term awareness here, in that the short-term focus in this more calm, connected moment is gonna be “This feels really good, and I wanna keep doing this.” The long-term awareness is a recognition “There’s some discontent in me. There’s some concern or there’s some unaddressed feelings that I have.” And being willing to commit to standing up for that and showing up for that. Because likely, it’s not gonna be resolved if we don’t take that initiative.

Number two – talk about you, your experience. Again, when I encouraged you to think about what you would get out of your significant other getting some extra support or getting some guidance, what would that allow you to feel? Or perhaps if you’re wanting to go to counseling or coaching with your significant other, what would that allow you to feel? Most likely there’s a very notable reason for you, and you’re invested in it, it makes sense; this is your relationship, I would hope that you would care and want it to be going well, or it would make a ton of sense that if your partner is struggling, you would feel that and wanna help. And if you’re having difficulty knowing how to help, that that could feel painful.

In this more calm, connected moment, you might also have a little more opportunity to talk about what’s really true and possibly even tap into more vulnerability. And honestly, that vulnerability is going to set the tone for that conversation. It’s gonna invite vulnerability on their part, and encourage them to access emotions perhaps that they have not been wanting to pay attention to.

For example, it might look like “I’m having a hard time feeling close and connected. I feel really lonely.” Or “I feel sad… I miss you.” Or “When I see you struggle and I see your pain and I don’t know how to help, I feel scared.” I’ve had this conversation with a loved one, where I was doing this exact thing – talking about my feelings, and how I felt overwhelmed, I felt scared, and I felt sad. And it really was, as I was expressing this, a vulnerability and the truth of where I was at, I was really looking at me and really thinking “I might need to get some extra support here because I’m struggling, in response to what I’m feeling in this dynamic.”

In that conversation it was really helpful for the person that I was sharing with to hear my struggle, hear my pain without the judgment, without the critique, and the narrative of how it makes sense that I feel the way that I feel; this almost story that legitimizes my feelings. But sometimes what happens when we tell that story – the person that’s listening starts to feel defensive, starts to take issue with the way that we’re characterizing them, and it gets us off-track.

Number three, address the specific behavior. This is a real good guiding principle, because if we can say “When X, Y and Z happens…”, then we can use the facts as a form of orientation, and then really feature and highlight what we’re experiencing, because that’s the thing that we want our significant other or our loved one to be paying attention to.

Using concrete examples also helps us steer away from using broad generalizations and sweeping statements, perhaps even character attacks and personal blame. We’re not looking at addressing someone’s character, or their essence, or their personhood; we’re looking at behaviors that we’re struggling with.

So when we can use concrete examples, it really helps narrow the focus, because some people really do react to “I’m not good enough, I’m not loved, it’s a threat to the relationship, it’s a threat to my human beingness…”, and when we don’t have that secure understanding, it can easily go there. And then if we’re using these broad, sweeping statements, it can also feel easy to take it super-personally.

Recently, I started working with a couple, and this was really done well, where the wife was saying “I struggle”, and granted, she’s saying “I don’t always do this well.” But her issue and her concern was real quality time and family time. And she’s saying “When we don’t eat dinner together at night (so when X, Y and Z happens) I feel sad, I feel alone, and I experience so much pain and worry about the future, and our future children, and our family life. And I worry that you’re not gonna be around.”

The other thing she was saying is also “I notice when you work so much, you don’t have time to exercise, you’re not playing the guitar, and I’m scared that all of this work stress is gonna impact your health.” When X, Y and Z happens, when you don’t exercise, or when you don’t have time for your creative hobbies, I am concerned about the impact that has on your health. Or even more tragically – and this was named – if you were to have a heart attack, or something really severe were to happen to you health-wise, it’s terrifying.

And this, again, sets the tone that we’re diving deep into what is it that we’re feeling, and that vulnerability that most people can turn towards. Again, we’re not characterizing them in any way that they might see as unfair; we are talking about our deeper feelings, and again, it’s hard to do, easy to say, but if we’re gonna talk about this very tender, sensitive topic of trying to encourage our partner to go and get some more support, this is one of those heart-to-heart conversations.

If we can set that tone, then possibly we can move into number four, and likely your partner is gonna respond before you’re even doing this step number four… They’re gonna  have their own emotional response, and hopefully if you’ve expressed that vulnerability in the most clean and clear way, they’re gonna turn towards you in some way… Whether or not they express some emotion, or “Wow, I didn’t realize”, or “I feel so sad hearing that”, or “I’m so sorry”, or something like that. And this could go off. And I get it, when we have real difficult disconnect patterns, this is where it could go awry, so I just wanna give you a heads up that if your partner doesn’t respond in the way that you’re hoping to, there could even be some middle ground here.

If they start to react in a really negative way, I would just say slow down and maybe let that be all you do. That’s the first conversation, and let your partner absorb that, let it marinate, and let your partner respond. Because if they’re reacting, they’re actually not responding; they’re in a more triggered place, so I would not proceed.

So if there is some space and you feel that they’re holding on and they still have their ground and they’re still centered enough that they’re listening, but perhaps they haven’t responded, I would go slow, but I would proceed… Because then number four is just hold space and be in a genuine, curious place. “Tell me about you. What do you think? How are you feeling about this? Are you liking not coming home, or not eating dinner together, or working so much that you don’t have time to exercise or do anything creative? Is this working for you?” Again, the delivery on this is so key, because that could be very much like “How is that working for you?” – this very challenging statement or question… But the energy that I’m hoping to encourage here is a real wonder, and holding space.

And again, they might say “I don’t know.” If they’ve been avoiding, their first response might be like “I don’t know, probably not very well.” They’re kind of in that place where they’re not even paying that much attention, so again, if you can just hold that wondering and stay with them. Don’t fill in the blank; let them be with what you’ve just said about how hard this is, and also really query “What’s it like for you?”

With the clients that I’ve just mentioned, I was a support person in this role, so I was able to help facilitate this wondering and this questioning, but he was very willing to talk and express his experience, and it was really helpful. Now they’re working together, and they’re not so polarized in their experience. It’s still challenging for sure, but they’re not at odds, and struggling to even be on the same page.

On a side note, I do think that if we hold this genuine curiosity, it could be a really beautiful gift – and again, not doing it for them, but just a holding the hand, and just a presencing. Because earlier this morning I was working with a client and he was reflecting on his work years, and what a workaholic he was; and now he’s like “I’m in the best emotional place I’ve ever been in my life…” And some of the circumstances of his life are a little challenging, and so he’s like “It’s so ironic that you would look at it on paper and think I would be a mess, but in all actuality I’m in the most peace that I’ve ever been, I love myself, and my wife sees it, and she comments about it, and there’s this level of contentment and gratitude…”, and just all the things he was describing.

He said, “I look back on that workaholic”, all of his career, and he said “I was avoiding myself, I wasn’t present, in so many ways.” So we can run this pattern for years. It could be a gift, regardless of the outcome, to just hold space and the invitation to “I’m here, do you wanna look at this…?”

In combination with number four I would do number five, which is deeply listen. Again, as I was saying, if the first response is very surface, it’s okay; let that be okay. It’s probably the mindset that they’re in the majority of the time. And again, if you stay present and listening, it’s amazing when someone is really listening to us and they’re staying present, and they’re not moving on or not shifting the topic; it invites a deeper share. Without any questions, just that listening and that deep attention, it invites more to be revealed, and then we can sometimes say “Okay, I have a choice. I can go with that”, and most people will wanna go with that. It’s a huge gift.

I actually have a podcast on deeply listening, and I will make sure to put that on today’s show notes. Again, this is episode 182.

And with this number five, deep listening – when we deeply listen, without an agenda, some questions might pop, that are less again an intellectual trying to understand, but an empathetic connection to what they’re saying. When I do this, it’s almost as if I have to really try it on if it were me, and this were happening for me, and I was experiencing this, based on what you’re saying… And I just sit with it. I try it out, and then something comes up and I’ll wonder – and I put that in the form of a question, and for me it feels like I’m inviting more of a share and more understanding and more listening by asking those types of questions. Again, less with the intellect, more with the heart.

The cool thing about this is that if you stay present with them and they’re willing, it gives them a chance to reflect, and they’re more likely to realize, “Oh, I could use some support”, or “Yeah, I totally get it. We’ve been bumping up against this similar dynamic and we haven’t shifted it. It could be really helpful for us to get some support.” They might actually get it and see it for themselves. That’s ideal, because then they’re bought in and they’re engaged.

Another really key component of deep listening is really accepting. It’s not trying to listen, to then fit it in or ask confronting questions, and challenge them, or reframe it in a way that makes sense to you. Again, it’s really listening, with this non-judgment. I believe I’ve mentioned in previous podcasts that one of the things that’s really beautiful to witness in my work is I facilitate this deep listening, and this non-judgment, this acceptance that whatever they’re saying is real and genuine, and welcoming that. And again, this tends to more often than not help someone share more deeply and reveal more fully.

I’ve had so many people tell me “Wow, I didn’t know this.” Or “I’ve never heard it like this before.” Or “I had no idea”, as they’re listening to their partner describe their experience. Because what happens so often when we get caught in these reactive dynamics is we think we know what our partner is feeling, or we’re threatened by what they’re feeling, or we’re scared of what they’re experiencing, and we jump the gun. So we chime in, or we rebuttal before we’ve even had a chance to really understand.

The other tricky thing that also happens in a couple dynamic that I’ve seen quite often is when a significant other is listening to their partner talk about their pain, even when it’s described in very clear terms. There’s a sense of responsibility or evaluation that they take on personally, like “I didn’t do the right thing for them”, or “I could have done better”, or “I didn’t provide enough safety”, or “I could have helped in another way.” And oftentimes I’m trying to really help the significant other that’s listening understand that this pain could have preceded them. It could have nothing to do with anything that they’ve done. It’s just the place that they go. So it frees them up to listen more empathetically.

Because what happens when someone’s feeling responsible or taking it personally, they start to defend or get tight, and it prevents that real deep listening that we’re trying to achieve here; they’re feeling somehow like “I screwed up” and they’re preoccupied with “Well, I couldn’t have done anything better. I don’t know, what am I supposed to do?!” and then it hijacks the deep listening.

Because again, with this number five, deep listening, we’re trying to get to this understanding empathy, and with the real respect and honor. If we can just welcome and do our best, even if we feel slightly threatened or triggered to do our best to stay present to “This is about them. All about them. Can I be witness to what they’re saying, so I can understand?” Because that’s the real thing we ultimately want – we wanna understand what’s going on for our significant other on a deep, deep level.

One listener mentioned that she had approached her significant other and he said “Yeah, I’m willing to get some support. I’m willing to get help in the way of coaching, or therapy”, and she says “Great!” And then months go by and nothing’s happening, and she’s still concerned and is at a loss around “I don’t know what’s going on. Is he really gonna get support? Is he really gonna do this?” and then there’s still that tension and it’s hard to bring up. Because again, “I don’t wanna feel like I’m controlling, or nagging… What’s going on here?”

In this example, let’s say you and your significant other have talked about getting some support and it still hasn’t happened. You can ask about that, again, in this genuine, curious way, and wondering “Has it been hard? Tell me about the process. What’s getting in the way?” Because oftentimes, even if it feels like “Oh, I’m just busy”, there could be something else; it could be logistical, like “There’s a lot of therapists, or there’s a lot of coaches, and I don’t know who to choose from”, or “I don’t know how to do this”, or perhaps I have some fears, or perhaps I’ve had a bad experience in the past. Or we have negative associations. Perhaps the negative association would be “I’m admitting defeat. It feels like a failure to ask for help. I can’t do this on my own.”

I’ve had clients who have been afraid to get support because they were worried on a deep level that they were fundamentally flawed. God, it breaks my heart that that’s what they were dealing with and operating. Because the way that I work, and many clinicians and practitioners work is just this, again, nurturing, unconditional regard for clients, and really helping them feel supported to look at what they’re dealing with… So they may be worried about being told that something’s wrong with them. It’s like going to a doctor and being worried that you have some disease or ailment, and what diagnosis you’re gonna get. That can feel very pathologizing. So with this deep listening – and we can hear the fear underneath – then it starts to make more sense. Then we can validate those fears – that’s number seven.

Sometimes people are afraid that their partner wants to change them. And look, there’s a way to reframe this, and I’m a big believer in win/wins, so if you’re interested in learning more about that, I encourage you to check out some of my other episodes, because it doesn’t have to mean a power struggle… And even with what seems like irreconcilable differences, there’s a way to work together where it can be a win/win.

Sometimes it takes time and sometimes it takes some creativity, but the energetic need underneath often can be worked through. Now, there are certain things that are deal-breakers, and I fully support that as well, but again, the goal right now as we’re talking about validating the fears is to look at what might be going on with that resistance. “I’m afraid you want me to change”, or “I’m afraid something’s wrong with us.”

I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had that have expressed this fear that “Oh my gosh, I thought you were gonna tell us that we should get a divorce, or I thought you were gonna tell us we were screwed”, or I’ve had many clients say “Are we normal? Are we okay?” They’re really trying to gauge, and they’re also dealing with some real doubt and fear that something’s wrong with them. Other fears might be “I don’t know how to face what I’m feeling.”

I have a client that I work with her and her husband, and she has described in her life more often than not trying to avoid or suppress her emotions. She doesn’t like that feeling of intense emotion. She wants more stability and she likes the more intellect and practicality, and she’s so smart and so savvy, and she just has not had a lot of great experiences with feeling emotion, particularly in relationship, and how that can be a benefit. So she feels pretty overwhelmed with her husband trying to solicit her emotional connection, particularly around difficulties that he wants to resolve. She’s like “I don’t know how to do this.”

And other people really struggle with “I don’t know how to ask for what I need.” They might know that they need help, or they might know that they want some support, but it’s so vulnerable, or has been in their life something that’s been not an option to ask for help. So there could be a lot going on underneath.

Again, with that genuine curiosity, that deep listening, and the ability to kind of empathize and understand, we might be able to really validate and understand what’s going on with some of the resistance, or really not being interested. There could be a good reason.

Number eight, limit feedback. Again, there might be a time and a place later that this could be a little more constructive or safe… But again, I’ve read recently that constructive criticism is still criticism. And again, in this vulnerable place, even if there’s intending to be like positive feedback and coaching, or any type of challenge, it’s likely that it’s gonna feel like criticism or judgment, and in this real vulnerable space I would encourage just to really limit that. Because again, I know oftentimes in day-to-day life we can get used to telling our partner what to do, and calling out all sorts of things in the attempt to be supportive, or being helpful, or even showing love… But again, in this vulnerable space we wanna rally create as much safety and non-judgment and acceptance as possible. Because any advice is still that form of judgment.

Number nine – now, I believe I could do a whole series on this in and of itself, but I wanna mention it just so that there’s some parameters here… Because as I’m describing this as a real presencing for your partner, I really want you to also hold that it’s quite possible that you have needs, you have limits and you have boundaries that perhaps you haven’t been paying attention to, and that you’re gonna need to pay attention to. Because if you don’t – again, that’s prime, fertile ground for resentment and real frustration, and even anger and ever hatred and contempt, and we don’t want that at all.

I wanna encourage that you spend some time to look at what limits and boundaries have been crossed or are being crossed; and you might be participating in this, and it might not be that your partner is crossing them, it might be that you haven’t been showing up for them… And that’s okay. There’s no blame or shame here; it’s just to recognize in the attempt to be supportive you might have been crossing your own boundaries, giving too much, or not showing up for the parts of you that you have needs or desires. Perhaps you’re doing too much.

I’ve just met with a potential client the other day and she was describing the dynamic with her husband, and she’s saying “I work full-time, and I do all the cleaning, I do all the cooking, I do all the shopping, and I’m supportive of him”, and basically in their current dynamic his emotional distress is front and center and dominated the attention and the focus. And she’s like “I have needs too, and it’s so painful because I really wanna be there for him, but I also don’t find this sustainable”, and I’m like “It’s not sustainable.”

What I have found is typically, even if someone’s in a great deal of distress, or even physical illness, they still wanna hear about their partner.

I have other clients that I work with, and she actually has some real significant health stuff, and I won’t go into all the details, but her husband has been operating on this attempt to keep his mouth shut. “I don’t wanna burden my wife. I don’t wanna add more to her plate”, and she’s saying “No, this is what would be helpful – to feel you, to feel connected. It would be a resource, and at some times it would even be a distraction, and I would welcome having a focus beyond myself.”

So taking some time to look at what is it that you’re needing. You might need help. You might need help around the house, you might need help with the dynamic… Like, “I can’t hear everything. I can’t be your therapist. I can’t be your coach. I don’t want that role.”

I’ve even had other people tell me if they’re in  the fully responsible role for everything, being like “I don’t wanna be your mother. I don’t wanna be your father. I don’t wanna be your ultimate caregiver. I want a husband, I want a wife, I want a partner, I want a significant other. Perhaps I want sex, or I want to play, or I wanna have fun, or I wanna work together with you, I wanna feel that we’re in this and we’re working towards a mutual goal. Or perhaps I just want some attention.”

Like I mentioned, in my own marriage there was a time where my husband was contemplating some things, and pretty occupied with his work thoughts, and I was like “I want some attention.” It was really hard to say. He was looking at me like “I don’t know what you mean”, but I was like “I just want your attention, I want your focus, I wanna talk about something that happened in my day…” And look, he’s so good at this, but it was just in that particular week, and what was going on, I had to ask for it… And I felt so silly, but it was me showing up for something I needed, and it was helpful for him, and he was very willing.

And the other thing I’ll mention here is values. This couple that I was mentioning a little while ago, where’s working a lot, and essentially it’s like a startup — there’s a few businesses he’s running, and it’s enormous what he has on his plate… And she gets it, she understands it, but she’s been tolerating it for a couple years now. I was talking with them about values, and they are on the same page, but sometimes we’re not on the same page with if family or quality time is of value – is it something we both value? Do we look at that and do we make decisions to support that?

Again, I could say a lot more here, but just again, to recognize your needs, as well as your experience… I talked about in the beginning, your feelings, but you also might have some needs that aren’t getting met or aren’t getting addressed. Or even desires. That’s really important, too.

Okay, two more quick ones. Number ten – talk about next steps perhaps. Sometimes we can have this really heartfelt conversation, and then again it’s like, life goes on and nothing happens, and how do we reapproach it – it feels difficult. It could be like – again, not to be in a controlling position, but “I’m scared that we’re just gonna get busy, and then this isn’t gonna really result in any change. When might we be able to check back in? Or how would you wanna check back in? What are some of our next steps? How do we work together with something you’re willing to do, with something I’m willing to do?” Again, in a very supportive, collaborative way I think this can work well. It could not work well, depending on the delivery.

And finally, number eleven – perhaps take some time to share gratitude of what this means to be able to have this conversation; the positive feedback is so important, and we crave feeling that positivity with one another. So to be able to express gratitude and appreciation for being willing to look at this and share in this conversation, especially if you were able to get through a lot of this; and again, it might take several conversations, but to continue the thread and to hold space for this, to really tap into the gratitude and the appreciation could be a really important step as well.

Let’s recap. Number one, address in a calm, connected moment, really setting up the conversation for success. Number two, talk about you, your feelings. Number three, address specific behavior, using maybe concrete examples. Using genuine curiosity and wonderment. Number five, deeply listening. Number six, again, ask about his/her experience if in fact you’ve had this conversation before and nothing’s happened; really try to get at “What’s going on? What’s hard? Tell me more.” Number seven, validate fears. Number eight, limit feedback; even constructive criticism – I would limit that in this zone of discussion. Number nine, recognize your limits, your needs and your boundaries. Number ten, talk about next steps and possibly checking back in. Again, not accountability over one person, but just for us to stay connected to the importance of this, because sometimes it’s hard to talk about. And finally, number eleven – express gratitude and appreciation.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode. Again, this is episode 182, “How to encourage your partner to go to therapy.” If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes there. If you have a question you would like to submit, or if you wanna receive live, laser coaching, you can also click on Contact and you can find the ways to do that there.

Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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