Dr. Jessica Higgins: Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 195, “Five essential elements of love.” Today I am heavily referencing the book “How to be an adult in relationships. The five keys to mindful loving” by David Richo.
Before we get started, I always like to take a moment and just appreciate you, appreciate the intention that we are all, in our own ways, tuning into as we are joining in on this podcast and episodes provided on the various topics related to intimacy and the path of long-lasting partnership… Knowing that it will provide sometimes terrain that might challenge us, might threaten us, might bring up old pain and injury that possibly we didn’t even know existed, and also the capacity to expand our ability to love and receive intimacy. I know that sounds really positive and blissful, like “Why would we have a hard time with that?” and yet, typically we have our comfort zone, and when we’re receiving more love, more joy, more ecstasy even, that could also bring up emotions as we are entering into new territory. We are having more than we’ve known before, and that can sometimes also rattle us.
And we are also in the endeavor of cultivating, co-creating stable, secure, healthy relationships, that requires a showing up in our lives, and that’s in the present moment… So sometimes we need a little support, reminders, encouragement to tune towards some of this, rather than turn away. So much in our everyday culture is about distraction, entertainment and seeking goals perhaps beyond where we’re at in the current moment… And the conversations that happen on this show are really trying to help you have the tools and resources to be more mindful, more skillful, more aware, conscious, and so you have more informed choices in navigating, again, the emotional landscape of intimacy.
I’m your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, and you can find more resources on DrJessicaHiggins.com. If you want today’s show notes, you can access that also on DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast. The navigation bar has one link titled Podcast, and under that page you’ll find all the episodes, and you’ll find the most recent ones at the top. Again, today’s episode is 195, “Five essential elements of love.” Let’s get started in today’s episode.
The idea for this topic was originated several months ago. I was referencing or attempting to reference a resource that I thought was in this book, “How to be an adult in relationships.” It turns out it wasn’t what I was looking for, but it did remind me of a really helpful categorization of essential elements of love.
Now, if you’ve been a long-term listener, you may have come across the episodes of the Five Love Languages, and that’s by Gary Chapman. I do find that a really helpful also categorization of how we express love, and oftentimes we have a certain language in which we’re relating and expressing love… And it turns out oftentimes we’re gonna have a different love language than our significant other, and it can be helpful to recognize what their primary love language is, and what yours is… Because oftentimes, if we’re speaking different languages, we could be missing those expressions. So if you’re interested in that episode – I think it’s a two-part series – I’ll make sure to put the link on today’s show notes.
But this is a little different… The five A’s, as David Richo is talking about (please forgive my mispronunciation if I’m mispronouncing). So he’s talking about — and this perspective of this book is very psycho-spiritual, so he’s talking about psychological tools, as well as spiritual practices and philosophies as it relates to how we’re showing up in love… And he does have a more Buddhist mindfulness approach, so just have a mind’s eye around that.
Why I think it’s super-helpful that I’m bringing this to you is because if you’ve been a long-term listener, you’ve heard me mention the importance of attachment and feeling secure in relationship. And if you’ve read Hold Me Tight by Susan Johnson, or Love Sense, if you’ve listened to me, you’ve heard me recommend those two books. And also, Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin, and there’s many other books that reference the importance of attachment research, which we’re becoming more and more aware of how this is, how we’re wired; we’re wired up to bond, from cradle to grave, from birth to death. This is an important part of how we are in relationship.
Now, if you’ve heard me talk about attachment before, you may have heard me talk about our real relational imprint in childhood, and how that sets us up throughout our life, and it’s ultimately gonna become more prominent as we enter into our adult love relationships. Again, if you’re interested in those resources, I’ll make sure to put that on today’s show notes.
All that to say that the five A’s that David Richo is bringing to us around essential elements of love I do think mirror the importance of this attunement, this relational way of being with another that cultivates that sense of safety, security and love and intimacy… Which again, is really the goal of these conversations. So I think it’s helpful to revisit it. Now, just a note – this was published in 2002, so it’s not a recent book, but I do think he’s had a pretty good following. I think a long time ago I looked him up to see if he would be a guest, and I had a hard time finding his contact information… So maybe I’ll dig a little bit more and see if he might wanna join us.
What I’ll do is I’ll list the five A’s. I’ll give a little more context about the significance of these essential elements of practicing love. This is the idea that love is a verb, rather than a noun. We are in the practice of cultivating love every day; it’s something that we don’t just arrive at and then we consume, it’s something that we’re cultivating. And then I’ll go into each of the five A’s and give a little more description, an example, and also what we’re up against if we’ve experienced a deficiency or a lack of this A in our life, and how you might be able to recognize that.
The five A’s. Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection and Allowing. In the book, again, “How to be an adult in relationship”, David talks about for human development children need these five A’s to thrive and feel secure. And while in childhood the need for these five A’s is a little more intense, a little more demanding, the need is still significant in adulthood. And this, again, mimics that attachment theory that from cradle to grave this is an important part of our need for bonding, a sense of security and safe haven in relationship… Therefore we never grow out of the need to receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and an allowing.
David says what we need for the building of the self is precisely what we need for happiness in our adult love relationships. David says “A holding environment, the safe and reliable context of the five A’s is necessary for all growth, both psychological and spiritual. At every stage of our lifespan our inner self requires the nurturance of loving people, who are attuned to our feelings and responsive to our needs.”
Again, if you are familiar with Dr. Susan Johnson’s work, you might have read “Hold me tight”, “Love sense”, or perhaps heard me mention in a previous podcast episode one of the elements of what she’s describing around secure relationships is that they practice ARE, an acronym. A stands for being Accessible. R stands for Responsive. E stands for Engaged. And she finds through her research that secure, really safe, bonded, close, intimate couples are responsive to each other, they’re accessible and they’re engaged. That sounds very similar to what David is talking about around this holding environment.
Practicing these five A’s, the essential elements of love in your relationship with your significant other can not only bring you closer, but it can reduce stress, anxiety, depression, and help fill the void created by childhood relationship trauma. Now, the EFT research is showing that we can actually repattern an earnest, secure relationship.
In one of the quotes by David, he writes “Love from another adult does more than just satisfy us in the present. It ripples back in time for us, repairing, restoring and renovating and inadequate past.” So there’s a lot of power in being able to practice these elements of love, and I find them to be very true in my relationship, for sure.
One of the things I like about what David offers around these five A’s is that he’s really encouraging us to recognize it’s a giving and receiving. And not only are we doing that in relationship with another person, but he’s encouraging us to give it to others, as well as giving it to ourselves. I think I talked about in a podcast episode many months ago that if you visualize a machine, a gear system, and that if we’re looking at a dyad (two people), there’s a gear that represents each individual. And then there is a gear that fits between them.
Visualizing four gears – you have two maybe big gears that represent the individuals, and then you have maybe some medium-sized gears. That represents how we’re relating to each other and how we’re engaging with each other… And that we want it all to be ideally flowing. That’s more optimal. And with that, there is a giving to your significant other, but there’s also a recognizing and being aware of how you are in relationship with yourself. So just keep in mind’s eye and I’ll be referencing that as I describe this a little bit more… But that it’s not only these five A’s are how we treat our significant other, but perhaps how we treat ourselves as well.
The first A, again, is Attention to the present moment, observing, listening and noticing the feelings of your significant other. This is a deeper quality of attention than maybe we would just be giving anything during any given moment, in any given day. There’s hyper-focused, sometimes when we’re working on something that requires our full attention, but we don’t always give that full attention to our significant other.
Now, I actually have to really bring my awareness and focus on my husband when I am practicing this. Really giving him my full attention. It’s really common when we have a lot that we’re attending to – a home, cooking, cleaning, children, family, friends, finances, work, our health… All of it. There’s a lot to manage, so it’s easy to be distracted and preoccupied.
When I’m deeply listening and giving my husband this attention, there’s an engaged focus, that I’m listening to not only what he’s saying, but I’m also reading his non-verbal cues to the best of my ability, and trying to empathize with his feelings and understand his experiences more fully.
David talks about mirrored attentiveness. Attentiveness means noticing and hearing words, feelings and experience. In a moment of authentic attention, we feel that we are deeply and truly understood in what we say or do, and in who we are, with nothing left out. Now, I think we can achieve this in moments, and it’s so completely precious. I think this is something that many people long for, to have that empathetic intimacy and deep understanding.
Attention can mean making a thoughtful observation, or engaging in active listening. I can tell you that when I’m really truly paying full attention to my husband, I will have a deeper understanding of him and I will get more curious than I would normally get if I was just in everyday flow with him… And I will sometimes have an observation or a question that prompts a deeper opening in him. And vice versa, as he would do for me. It feels so beautiful to feel seen, and known in that way.
I alluded to earlier that sometimes I can get very hyper-focused, and I think it’s a gift to my clients, that I’m so with them, and attentive, and I’m giving so much during my work… But what that means for my husband sometimes is that when I am still in work mode, I am not with him completely; I am distracted, I am divided, and it can be pretty unpleasant, to be with somebody or wanting their attention when they’re not really present.
I know we can probably all reference a time when we’ve wanted someone’s attention and they’ve been half there, whether or not it’s a friend who’s on their phone, or sometimes I experience it with my husband if he’s watching a program, or football… And I get it, he’s engaged in something. But if we’re talking, there’s times where he’s talking, but he’s half paying attention to what he’s saying, and I’m fully listening, and I tell him “I am really listening to you and you’re half-paying attention to what you’re saying.” So sometimes we can laugh about it, but other times it’s really painful to really want somebody’s attention and to feel that they’re not with you and giving that to you.
Unfortunately, this is becoming more common in our modern day society and all the demands – we’re exhausted, we’re stressed out. Sometimes we’re burnt out. And our reserves or our tank is really low by the time we get home, so there’s a little that we have to give one another, because it does take a certain amount of energy to really put that attention on someone… And I know that we can muster that up for children sometimes, because we have them for usually a more limited time in the evening, and we get the importance of that… But sometimes with our partner we can let that slide a little bit.
Then unfortunately, if this gets cumulated over time, it can feel like no one is hearing each other, no one is really paying attention, and you have two solitudes under the same roof, and that leads to so much loneliness and despair. I do believe there’s a lot that goes into this. And even as I’m describing the five A’s, they’re really related, but I wanna just recognize that there’s significance in really paying attention to each of them separately, so that we can put it as a goal. When I remind myself of these, it really helps me pivot and prioritize this.
Attention from others, particularly in childhood, leads to a sense of self-respect. And not having it sometimes means that we don’t trust that people will see us, that our needs will get met or heard, or that even people will show up for us. And what that can look like sometimes is that we learn to not tend to our own needs. If people aren’t gonna listen or see, why would we put effort into attuning to them and vocalizing them with someone else, if they’re not gonna get heard? On that deeper level there’s a fear there. “Will I be seen? Will I matter?”
I have several clients that come to mind that didn’t get this attention growing up. And the few people that I’m thinking of are men, and that emotions, their inner experience wasn’t seen. There wasn’t space for their inner world, and they learned to keep that very contained, very private, and not in relationship. So they don’t bring their needs, they don’t bring their feelings to relationship. They have an early imprint that that’s not gonna get met. So again, this isn’t a conscious choice, it’s something they learned to do to cope… But then it shows up in relationship.
I have one client that articulates this, and he describes remembering being young and feeling like the only place he could really genuinely feel was in his room. So he kind of has this metaphor almost as if he has to go to his room to feel. And even as I describe that, I just feel so much sadness, how lonely and even scary it is to feel like there’s not a place for me.
So as we kind of have our experiences in life and we run that pattern and how that gets reinforced, it can create a whole host of challenges as it relates to bringing oneself forward, and the vulnerability of being seen. We’re talking about attention – it’s a really beautiful thing, but when we haven’t had it, this can be really vulnerable and tender.
Again, I wanna remind us that when we’re talking about these A’s, that it’s not only how we’re showing up for our significant other, but also how we show up for ourselves. If you remember – again, if you’ve listened consistently – I had a guest on and she was talking about the importances of being with our feelings. So often we demonize or weaponize or make our emotions the enemy, and the attention we give our emotional world and how profound that is – she’s devoted her whole life’s work to helping people turn towards their emotions, the difficult emotions.
Number two, Acceptance. Again, this is acceptance that we can give to our significant other, and also acceptance for ourselves. Acceptance is the opposite of rejection… And I state that because there’s a fifth one that I mentioned, which is Allowing. And some of these – you can see the connection and the crossover, so I wanna be really intentional about how I’m describing this.
Acceptance — because I easily pivot into appreciation… And what this is talking about is an acceptance. I accept. I’m not gonna reject, as I said, or protest, or challenge you, or criticize you. I’m seeing your values, your choices, your lifestyle, and accepting them. I’m not judging them.
A climate of acceptance in the relationship provides an opportunity to bring oneself more fully. Share a vote, or share an idea, or an expression of what matters, a value, without the fear of judgment, rejection, abandonment even.
In the book David talks about an example where a father is accepting his daughter’s choice of pursuing art as a study and field of work, perhaps. And choosing to go to art school, and perhaps he would want her to do something different, that seemed a little more lucrative… And he’s paying for her tuition, he’s accepting her wishes, and not trying to change her mind or rejecting her. And is it his first choice? No, but he is accepting. So that’s one of the examples that he’s using.
In relationship, very simply this can look like honoring differences in relationship. That could be a difference between “I wanna relax today” versus “I wanna get a bunch of stuff done.” Or “I like to fold the towels this way” and “I like to fold the towels that way.” Or perhaps “I wanna go to the party”, “I don’t.”
I wanna bring into the conversation here that there are so many things that are a part of a couple’s dynamic. Again, I don’t wanna reduce this to just acceptance, but I wanna invite just again that description and the priority of on some level accepting your partner’s vote. That they get to decide for themselves, and there’s something really powerful about that, and how they wanna express themselves, what they choose to think as important, and what they wanna do…
When we’re in a place of practicing love, we’re accepting what our partner is bringing to us on face value. We’re not trying to change it, reject it, dismiss it… We wanna have an environment that welcomes to be who you are.
This acceptance leads to self-confidence, especially if we’ve had this growing up… That we have a sense of security in relationship. A sense that we have inherent goodness and value.
Conversely, if we didn’t get that acceptance, we’re likely to feel ashamed, a sense of inadequacy, we might doubt our worth and have a lack of confidence. Because again, we weren’t accepted, so we don’t really know, we haven’t been mirrored or received or acknowledged, and we have that uncertainty and that doubt. Some of the fear might be “Will I be received? Will I be rejected?”
I have, again, several clients that have a flavor of this, and really have their own experience, but one person comes to mind… And she has had a lot of unacceptance around her real gifts, around creativity and art and music and dance, and she really struggles with this sense of belonging, that she’s valued, that she has a place in the world. And it’s really painful, it goes very deep for her… And she does doubt her worth, her confidence, her belonging.
Several weeks ago my husband and I were processing an interaction that we had been having, and I was sharing some of my emotion around it. And when I shared, I was waiting for him to say something, and he wasn’t really sure what to say. I prompted, I said “Look, I said all that I’m really looking for right now is just that it makes sense. That it’s reasonable. Or that my view is understandable.” And he was able to offer that easily.
But sometimes – again, when we haven’t had that, and we had that doubt and that insecurity and that inadequacy, and wouldn’t know that that can be as easily accessible to be able to offer to our significant other. I just wanna know that it makes sense, and that you accept it, and that it’s valid. Just validation and acknowledgment that it’s okay, it makes sense. I accept it. That can be so, so powerful. And again, similarly, when we turn this back to ourselves – again, that idea that so often we cut off, suppress, deny our experience…
I was working with a woman this morning and she’s really struggling in her place in life at this juncture, and really wanting to have partnership, and also being really terrified to open up her heart and really get hurt. And she hasn’t really been paying attention to that fear. We were talking about how to turn towards that and really help that part feel safer… Because she does have such a big heart, and she loves to live full out, and she does have that capacity to really go there… But as she was describing, it was almost like I have to kind of just leap, and it has to be all-in, or just closed and protective.
And I was like “Well, what could happen if there was some in-between there, if we could slowly build some safety for the part that’s known loss, that’s known tragedy and heartbreak?” That we could help that part feel safer and just incrementally build towards, again, this type of relationship that she’s longing for. So we kind of unpacked some of the process around how to do that… But again, if we haven’t really had the early, fundamental upbringing around, again, just the first two that I’ve mentioned – attention and acceptance – there can be a lot of uncertainty around how to engage with our own emotional world, as well as how to engage in relationship with another.
Again, today we’re talking about the five essential elements of love, and essentially how to practice love. The first one we really identified is attention, that undivided focus, real present, deep listening. Not only the words, but the emotion, the experience, and really getting that deeper understanding of where that person is coming from.
And then number two is acceptance. Not trying to rebuttal, or change it, or make it different, or give feedback… We’re accepting their reality. That’s something that I offer in my couples, because so often that’s difficult to give in relationship when we feel threatened, especially when the way we’re articulating is about the other person; that’s where it gets really tricky – we wanna talk about our experience by criticizing or by talking about the other person. “If you would do X” or “If you would be different, then I would feel better.” On the listener’s end that’s really difficult to hear, and we wanna get defensive.
But if we’re really talking about “I feel scared” or “I’m hurting” or “I feel sad, and here’s what I know about that”, that’s (again) what usually prompts a deeper listening, and an acceptance. This is this person’s reality, and (again) that’s where a helping person can help give the experience of acceptance… And then again, sometimes I have couples tell me “Oh my gosh, I’ve never heard it like that” or “I didn’t get the deeper layer/understanding” and then they get to that place of “Ohh, it makes sense”, and they can accept it. It can be really powerful.
Okay, for today I’m going to just list the first two. I gave context for the conversation, I listed number one, Attention, offered a little more description, an example… And also number two, Acceptance – similarly, description, an example and what it looks like when we haven’t had it. In the next episode I’m gonna offer more about number three, four and five. I hope you stay tuned for that episode.
Again, you can access today’s show notes on the website, DrJessicaHiggins.com. Again, you can access today’s show notes on the website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and there you can find all the episodes. Today’s episode is 195, “Five essential elements of love.” I’m really working with the book and what’s offered by David Richo in “How to be an adult in relationship. The five keys to mindful loving.”
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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