Dr. Jessica Higgins: Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 196, part two: “Five essential elements of love.” If you missed part one, I wanna encourage you to check that out before listening to today’s episode. You can listen to that on the podcast player that you’re using now, or you can also visit my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes listed there. That episode would be 195, same title, “Five essential elements of love.”
Before we get started I wanna take a moment and center into the intention of the Empowered Relationship podcast, and that is that we are on the journey and the endeavor of improving our love relationships, so that we can cultivate and experience happy, long-term, lasting, fulfilling, deep connected relationship… And that that terrain and the journey of this requires us to grow; grow ourselves and grow our relationship.
If you’ve listened to the show for any length of time, you may have heard me mention that I am a believer that relationship can be a teacher. That what gets brought up and what gets emerged in us and in the relationship is curriculum for our development, if we so choose. If we lean into the invitation. So the conversations that have been on this show are in support of that – help you have understanding and insight into theory, research, practices that help couples lean into this work and grow themselves, so that they can cultivate deeper levels of intimacy.
One of the other things that occurs often is that when we’re experiencing more joy, more love, more intimacy than we’ve known before, we might also feel a sense of trigger, or even — I was meeting with a client right before getting ready to record this episode, and she was describing feeling guilty, and really wondering like “Why me? Why do I get to experience so much happiness and health in my relationship when I know so many of my friends are struggling?” and feeling like she didn’t deserve it. So there could be even a lot that gets activated when things are going well.
So in so many respects, intimacy and long-term partnership can be such a great tool for us to be, again, healing, being more integrated and whole… And again, the development and the growth in that.
I appreciate you joining me in these conversations, and I also really appreciate those of you that have taken the time to write a review or give a rating to this show. It does make such a difference for the growth of the show, as well as for me to hear what things are helping, and even constructive feedback, what’s not working for you.
You can also send me an email, [email protected]. I’d love to hear from you.
I’ve just hopped on iTunes and there’s a couple recent reviews that I wanna read to you. One is titled “Very helpful.” “This podcast always brings wonderful insight into helping relationships with everyone around you. I love listening to Jessica and all her wonderful guests.”
Thank you for that review. I have heard feedback from people that these principles not only help in your romantic, intimate relationship, but also help in other relationships, and I love that that is such a valuable resource… Because I practice them with my friends, with my family, and I try to really walk the talk in all aspects of my life, and I do feel like so much of life is relationship, so I’m glad that that’s working for you.
The second review here is “Powerful and insightful.” Five-star, and so was the previous one. “From just a few podcast episodes I’ve listened to so far, I’ve had such a huge transformation on how I see my situation, and feel more empowered to move forward and handle things in a way that will bring improvement in my life and my relationship with my husband. I definitely recommend this podcast to others who are struggling and seeking help.”
Thank you both so much for submitting a rating and review. Again, it means so much to the show, and to me personally. Let’s get starting in today’s episode. Again, today’s episode is 196, “Five essential elements of love, part II.”
A quick overview of part one – I am heavily referencing the five A’s by David Richo, who wrote “How to be an adult in relationship. Five keys to mindful loving.” And he writes about the five A’s in that book. Really, he’s talking about how important these A’s are in cultivating intentional love, love being a verb, something that we co-create and create. These five A’s we can give to ourselves, and we can give to our significant other, and really anyone. It could be our children, it could be our friends… But people that we really want to show up for in this very intentional, mindful way. And he’s talking about that we need these five A’s for our sense of love and bonding and our human development, and that we need them from birth to death, cradle to grave.
This is mirroring the same message that comes from the attachment research and theory, that we need to feel that secure bond in love, and that is first created in that relational imprint with our primary caregivers, often our parents. That gets reinforced throughout our years, and then also emerges in that same level of significance; obviously, it’s a different relationship, but the same prominence of importance in our love, attachment relationship, our marriage typically.
The five A’s – I’ll list them here briefly. One is Attention, the second is Acceptance, the third is Appreciation, the fourth is Affection, and the fifth is Allowing. Now, again, if you wanna hear examples, some descriptors, and also what it looks like when we didn’t get attention or acceptance in the early stages of our life, and how that can impact our way of relating, I wanna encourage you to check out part one. Again, episode 195.
The third A, Appreciation. This is appreciation for who we are, in all aspects of our being. It could be our gifts, our talents… It can also be perhaps even our limits, or even our longings, like who we’re yearning to become. That could be some pursuit that we’re on. I can tell you, there’s so many people in my life that I admire the path that they’re on to achieve a goal that matters to them. They haven’t even achieved it, but I appreciate their courage and their clarity around pursuing something that has meaning for them.
In episode 195 I mentioned that I wanted to be really intentional about not going too far with acceptance. So number one is attention, number two is acceptance… And appreciation really gives depth to the acceptance. So it’s not just a neutral, or “I accept you, even though I wouldn’t choose this for you, but I really accept what you’re bringing and I am okay with it.” Like “I accept it, I’m not fighting it, I’m not rejecting it.” Appreciation goes a little further – or a lot further – to be able to say “I admire you. I delight in you. I praise you, I respect you, I acknowledge you and all of your potential. I appreciate you as unique.”
I have a client that I have worked with for quite a while, and he has overcome so much in his social skills, his relational skills, his emotional experience, particularly as it relates to relationship. When we first started working together, he had a lot of doubts about his worth in relationship, and that sense of acceptance, and really feeling valued. And I remember there was one time – this was a long time ago; I feel like he’s really achieved and broken through and really transformed his experience, and not only his beliefs, but what he’s creating in his life as it relates to relationship… So it’s really fun to see him achieve this for himself… But if I go back in time and remember, there was a point where he was even trying to get clear on what he wanted in relationship – the characteristics or the qualities of the relationship, and potentially his partner, what he would ideally want.
He was describing wanting someone who would accept him. And I even chimed in, because I was reflecting back to him, his longing… And I was like “What if somebody was in the position of really celebrating you, and appreciating you?” It was just like a new idea for him, and he just paused, and I think he got emotional, and just was like “Oh my gosh, I’d never even thought that that was possible, to have somebody celebrate me, and really appreciate me… And that my loved one would do that, that I’m worthy of that, and that that could be an experience that I could have.”
This really stuck with him, so much so that he had a practice that he really needed to absorb positive feedback… Because I think up until that point he either didn’t notice, or was getting a lot of negative feedback in a previous relationship, and had family upbringing stuff that made that really questionable… So his sense of self with others was really wobbly. So one of his practices was that he would take note, and he would even tell me the positive affirmation/appreciation that he would get from people in his life. It would be co-workers, friends, you name it. It all was something he was really trying to be aware of, so that he could recognize his worth. I think it was a really great practice, something I think he continues to do, but now that he’s really established this sense of worth, I think it’s less emotional for him, and it’s more integrated into his experience, which I’m so grateful for.
Going back to what David Richo was talking about – we need this; the human developmental need, that’s lifelong, to feel appreciated. One way of cultivating appreciation in your relationship is to express gratitude, on a frequent basis, to the people that are in your life. And not only for the things that they do, but perhaps their efforts, or even just their qualities. So it might be saying thank you, or it might be something like “I appreciate your kindness” or “I appreciate your consideration” or “Thank you for thinking about me.” This type of interaction can really continue to cultivate that connection of love and presencing that we’re talking about.
Appreciation is something I’m particularly fond of. Not only do I think I rank high in words of affirmation as far as love languages are concerned, I also have found such a benefit to not only giving appreciation, but also receiving appreciation. There’s such an emotional tone to going deeper and really naming in relationship specific appreciation and gratitude.
On the receiving end, when I have had people really specify the things that they’re grateful for – so if I had somebody come and visit, and my husband and I were hosting, and let’s say we did our best to accommodate them, and host them, and make meals, and entertain, and all the different things that we could possibly do to help their experience be pleasurable and fun, and if they just say “Thank you, we had a wonderful time”, I would receive that and that would feel really good… But I do know that when somebody goes that extra step and really names “Thank you for getting the groceries for this, and making this meal. This was really special”, and just identifying the different things that were provided or intended to be a gift, it pulls on my heartstrings more. I feel really seen and validated and appreciated, and valued, and it just feels really good.
I can tell also when I give that appreciation and I’m much more specific, again, I feel like I connect more deeply and I am appreciating the deeper layers, and again, it’s having a bigger impact. So I just wanna invite you to perhaps use language that is more specific, so that you might have a bigger impact in cultivating this loving presence.
Again, I wanna just reiterate here that oftentimes it’s not even about the result. Sometimes if we didn’t meet the mark that we had intended, or we didn’t reach our goal to have somebody really acknowledge the effort and the intention and the work put in, it can still feel really appreciative, and feel valuable.
Often in our society, in Western, modern culture – it is so goal-oriented, and we sometimes don’t take pause to recognize the effort put into things, and that is sometimes even more important.
Appreciation can also just simply be a positive attitude, calm demeanor, really taking an interest in others, in their story, in their talents… There’s an appreciation for what’s happening and what someone else’s experience is.
Appreciation can also show up in belief. Belief in someone’s gifts, or capabilities, or their passion. If somebody wants to achieve or pursue something that feels out of reach, to have a loved one say “I believe in you” can be a really beautiful source of support and love. That demonstration of “I believe you can do it. I see it for you.”
I can say when people have offered this towards me, when I have been pursuing a big goal, and I’m uncertain about my ability to do it, when somebody can hold that appreciation for my gifts or my talents or my capability, it is such a huge source of love and endorsement and support, that I feel extremely grateful for.
You might even be able to hear, as I’m talking, that this type of appreciation has the capacity to generate a sense of self-worth. We feel valuable, we feel worthy. As I was mentioning with a client that I have been working with, and what he’s been able to achieve in his inner experience about his worth to others – it’s remarkable. He’s a totally different person in the way that he relates relationally, and what he’s experiencing internally.
And this is backed by research. Dr. John Gottman has done so much to provide evidence-based principles from his research in studying couples and their dynamics. One of the things he found with couples that are really successful – he calls them masters – they give a lot of appreciation and positive sentiment, particularly compared to negative feedback, criticism, contempt, defensiveness (he calls them the four horsemen) and stonewalling. Those are all really negative in tone. And that the real emotional space between the couple is positive. He calls this a positive sentiment override. And again, masters, the successful couples, have a positive sentiment override.
When we don’t have appreciation, we often can feel a sense of resentment, feeling taken for granted… And again, as I was describing with my client, a real uncertainty. The fear might be “Am I worthy? Am I valuable? Do I bring value to your life? Do I bring benefit? Do I make a difference?” And that can run pretty deep if we don’t know that we have value, we have place, that we make a difference.
I remember an instance where my husband was pointing to wanting to feel more appreciation, and I was trying to understand more and I was asking a lot of questions… And he finally was able to help me by saying “I want to know that you believe that I’m good to you.” This had a really big impact on me, because the way that I might express appreciation might not be the thing that lends for him. So for him to be able to articulate and name how he would feel appreciated, is for me to be able to express or hold the belief – which I do – but help him feel that I believe that he is good to me. And I express the ways that I feel that he’s good to me.
Even as I’m talking about this now, I’m like “Oh, mental note, I wanna make sure that I emphasize that.” Because again, when we’re not in our partner’s world, it’s easy to rever to what we do and what is natural for us. We’re very egocentric as human beings, even with our significant other. So for me even just saying this, I’m like “Oh, have I articulated that recently?” And I wanna make sure that he’s feeling appreciated… Again, with this intentional, mindful practice of love.
The fourth A, Affection. Affection can be expressed in many ways. It could be physical, in the sense of holding hands, hugging, cuddling, being close physically. Sometimes it can be a hand on the knee, or a touch of the foot. It could be making love. And there’s other ways that we are physically close – the holding, the touching.
It’s not just physical closeness either. It could be through non-verbal. They say 80% (or even high 80%) of communication is non-verbal. This can be conveyed through kind eyes, soft eyes, a tone of voice, even a gesture. The way that you might reach for something, or even the attentiveness. We’re talking a lot about being present in cultivating love through these five A’s, and when I am much more grounded and present, I can tell there’s a lot more energy of how I’m able to express love, rather than just going through the motion and being distracted.
I might have access to making a joke, being more playful, or silly, or reading my husband’s non-verbals, or maybe even noticing him, and that there might be a way that I could help, or be more affectionate. I can tell there’s sometimes where — it’s just even seeing his posture that I could tell that he might wanna feel more touch from me, or more affection from me. And if I’m not present, I’m not gonna recognize those subtle cues as easily.
As I mentioned earlier with appreciation and how that is particularly helpful for me, being that words of affirmation are one of my top love languages, I also think affection fits really well with a love language of physical touch, of the love language. So if your love language is physical touch, then affection will be probably something you’re gonna be expressing a lot, or really yearning for in your relationship. And it’s the real warm feelings that you — this is how you feel love with your significant other.
In the book, again, “How to be an adult in relationship” by David Richo, he’s talking about affection. He says “The word affection comes from affect, feeling. Affection refers to closeness, both on the physical and on the feeling level. Physically, it includes a spectrum of touch from holding to sex. Affection is also a quality of feeling. In this respect, it includes kindness, consideration, thoughtfulness, playfulness, and romantic gestures like giving flowers, or remembering a special anniversary. Affection flows from a genuine liking of someone.”
Last week I sent an email to the people that are on my list, and I shared a personal example that relates to affection, where several weeks ago my husband was requesting that I be nice to him in an interaction that we were having. He was referring to just wanting more affection from me. And at the time I remember being a little taken aback, where I think of myself as being nice, and I was surprised at his languaging… And after thinking about it and contemplating it a little bit, I was like “Oh, okay. I’ve been a little distracted, and been a little preoccupied trying to achieve some of the work duties”, and particularly having a lot of clients and some of the challenges that they’re facing, and being pretty immersed in that… And so I think what he was feeling from me was some level of neutrality.
I was being really even in my demeanor towards him, but he wasn’t feeling the emotion, he wasn’t feeling my affection or feeling the warmth in my touch. So I made a concerted effort to be more present and more mindful, even in the way that I looked at him; again, that soft eyes, really seeing him and being more attentive and having love int he way that I look at him, and appreciation in the way that I look at him. And just even the way that I touch him, not just being half there, and going through the motions, but being attentive and affectionate, and just a simple touch on the arm or on the back, and looking at him, smiling at him, being more mindful of my tone of voice… It is amazing what can get cultivated in just those simple gestures.
What occurred to me is that love is there all along. It’s really up to us to be present with it and express from it. And that expression – we cultivate it. I mentioned in the email that so often you hear the phrase “It’s our for the taking”, and really this experience of love is ours for the making. And that if we are intentional about practicing this, we amplify our experience of love and we actually tap into what is already there. It’s almost that idea of just behind the veil; it’s right there, it’s palpable, it’s tangible, and we can experience it, but again, bringing our present awareness in our practice; it’s like tuning into that frequency that it is there, and it’s that cultivating and that tuning in that allows us to experience it more fully.
All that to say, the nudge here in providing these two episodes is for you to just, again, have some reminders of ways to express love to your loved one, your significant other, your spouse, and also how you relate to yourself. I’m doing less talking about how we can offer these five A’s to ourselves, but it’s equally as important… And that the experience of love is there for us.
One more note on affection. When we didn’t have loving touch growing up, non-sexual loving touch, oftentimes we don’t know how to receive touch, or we have a difficult time trusting the touch is okay, or safe. This might be confusing, because so often we wanna feel close to our significant other, however we might have feelings of discomfort. And this definitely relates to if we’ve had any trauma or significant injury. And what we know, particularly from the field in psychology of somatic psychology, trauma work, EMDR – that the body remembers.
So if you notice having some feelings of discomfort or difficulty, really relaxing into touch; it can be helpful to go slow, it can be helpful to get a support person or therapist, do EMDR, and really work with the somatic, early imprint around physical touch, and what that’s been like for you. Again, you wanna integrate the healing work, as well as building a new imprint for healthy, safe, affectionate touch.
This can also look like, when we don’t have it, a real fear of “Do you desire me? Do you want me?” And again, when we don’t have that sensation or experience that our partner wants us, it can really run deep. It can feel like rejection, it can feel like it triggers feelings of threat, of like “Are we okay?” As you can see, affection is one of those essential elements of love, and this is what we’re talking about in today’s episode.
The last A, the fifth A, is Allowing. Allowing means letting someone be themselves. It means giving them the freedom to do things in their own way. It means we don’t try to control, manipulate, or make them who we want them to be, or do things the way we want them to be done. Too many rules, requirements and expectations push us into becoming who others need us to be, rather than being ourselves.
With allowing, it provides a sense of freedom to pursue our deepest needs, values, goals and dreams. In the book “How to be an adult in relationships” by David Richo, he says “There’s a connection between freedom and self-confidence. When you are kept from expressing your deepest desires and wishes, you lose trust in their validity and in your own judgment. You survive by finding out the rules and following them, thus hiding what you really want. You make your purpose in life to please others, rather than to affirm yourself.”
As many of you know, I did a lot of work with adolescents in my previous line of work, and also young adults… And one of the things that I’ve found particularly notable was when adolescents were raised in an environment of high levels of control. Typically, their parents were really well-intended, very loving, and had the best intentions. However, children that didn’t have the opportunity or the freedom to really see what they were made of really doubted their abilities. There’s a term in psychology called self-efficacy. That’s a sense of believing in your capacity. And there’s almost a sense of understanding what you can do and where you maybe have areas of growth. This concept of knowing yourself and what you can do and what you can’t do, and there’s a certain level of confidence that comes from that.
So when people don’t have that freedom to really explore or feel their own capabilities, a lot of times there’s doubt, and really looking to external measures to validate and to feel okay.
I have a client that fits into this really well. Her upbringing — her mother was very controlling, and again, from a really well-intended place of wanting to protect and guide. However, my client really didn’t have the experience of being able to assert what she wanted, to be able to express herself in the way that she wanted to express herself… And there’s a lot of things there that I could say, but what I wanna really note is even still — she’s in her 30’s, and she questions her validity and her sense of perspective and her judgment on things. So often I’m helping her contrast what she’s experiencing, validating her and encouraging her to perhaps advocate for herself, or look at how her experience makes sense. There’s so much judgment and feeling as though she’s inadequate.
In our sessions there’s many times where she has even commented, “Is that okay? Is it okay to feel that way? Is it okay to be me?” And again, I’m really encouraging her to look at the health of her authentic experience and to work with that. So often I think she’s moving through the world highly aware of rules, expectations and what she should be doing, and it really inhibits her and impacts her sense of happiness and well-being, and her experience of feeling love. If she can’t really be who she is, how does she really feel an authentic experience of love?
When we’re talking about allowing in relationship, there’s a big difference between allowing your partner to be who they are, think the way they wanna think, behave in the way they wanna behave, pursue what matters to them. That’s allowing them to be who they are. Now, when it comes to you, similarly, you wanna feel that same allowance, that you can think, feel, pursue what matters to you.
Where this gets complicated in relationship is sometimes people do and say things that are hurtful, and we’re not allowing hurt to come our way. It’s our responsibility to set limits, boundaries and parameters for ourselves. And this is done to protect ourselves and uphold our health and our well-being. It’s not okay to let somebody hurt us; it’s hurting us, and likely it’s something that doesn’t serve them as well. So we wanna have standards, and that’s something you get to set for yourself. That’s very different than trying to control or manage your partner.
So we can say “I don’t want to be yelled at. I’m not gonna engage in this.” I’m gonna set a limit or a boundary. I’m gonna walk away or I’m gonna leave the conversation. Now, we can’t control the volume of their voice; we don’t have access to make that decision. We can only assert what we’re willing to be present for, or exposed to, and be in relationship to. So there’s a really big difference between setting a limit for ourselves and what we’re gonna engage in, and controlling our significant other.
This is a tricky A in the way of expressing love, particularly in a marriage or a long-term partnership. We have expectations, we have agreements, we have commitments to one another, and when it seems as though our partner is not in alignment, of course we wanna take issue with that. Again, I wanna recommend that the approach or the confrontation is more about the agreement, the commitment, or perhaps your limit and boundary.
Again, rather than trying to blame, shame or control your significant other – again, they’re likely going to resist and push back and not engage in that energy, that approach.
Just this last week I was tested on this. My husband and I were engaged in this interaction together, and I noticed he was feeling something, and I queried him, and he was like “I just feel uncomfortable”, and he didn’t really wanna talk about it. And I followed up with him later that night, and the next couple days, and I wasn’t getting a lot from him. I kept approaching it and kept confronting and wanting to know, and I was doing my best to be playful, and safe, and really he kept giving me a no. And the fact that the interaction had to do with me, I felt some entitlement to knowing what was going on for him.
As I reflected on this, knowing I was doing this podcast, I was like okay, so this relates to me. I do feel like there’s a boundary or a limit that I have around this… We have a high value of honesty and transparency and doing the work… And yet, there is a pace to that. If he’s not ready, or he’s still gaining clarity on what he’s experiencing, I do wanna allow for him to engage. It doesn’t have to be on my terms.
It was hard. I wanted to know, and I felt justified for knowing, and I could’ve easily pushed the issue, but I was allowing his experience to be valid and accepted, that he didn’t wanna talk about it. He wasn’t ready. And it took him a couple days. And he did share, and we did have a great conversation, and I had a deeper understanding around where he was coming from, and it was a really beautiful exchange when he was ready. And that’s really what I wanted.
So it is a practice. this is never something that we just arrive to and then never have to do again. It’s just a continual nurturing of love, and these five A’s are great reminders. It’s sometimes going to be easier than others, and I think this allowing is really difficult for couples sometimes. It just is highly threatening when our partner doesn’t wanna talk to us, or they’re upset and they’re turning away, or whatever they’re doing that’s upsetting. It’s very classic to have the knee-jerk reaction to “If you would change, if you would be different, we would be okay, or I would feel better.”
So just recognize that impulse to control, and is there space that feels healthy, that would offer this experience of allowing, and what can get created from there.
Again, these five A’s – Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection and Allowing – come from David Richo’s book “How to be an adult in relationships.”
If you want access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find today’s episode, which is 196, part II, “Five essential elements of love.” You’ll also find episode 195, same title, “Five essential elements of love” part I.
Thank you for listening, and I hope that you have an opportunity to look at one of the five A’s that perhaps you could improve in your way or relating to your significant other, or perhaps even to yourself. If you’d like to reach out and let me know how that’s going, I would love to hear from you. Again, my email is [email protected].
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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