Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 200, “How to use your emotional intelligence for connection, Part II.”
Before we get started, I wanna take a moment and just center into the intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast with you. The conversations that happen on this show are intended to support you to feel better-equipped, more prepared in navigating the terrain of long-lasting intimacy, so that you can feel more joy, more happiness, more love, more bond, more connection in your partnership.
The conversations are designed to give you tips, tools resources for you to be more skillful, more aware, and perhaps turn towards some of the challenge or difficulty in the interest of growth, knowing that this can be curriculum for showing us our fear, our woundedness at times, or our growth areas. So just knowing as we develop our intimate bond, we also grow ourselves.
If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes listed there. Again, today’s episode is 200, “How to use your emotional intelligence for connection, Part II.” Let’s get started in today’s episode.
If you missed part one, I wanna encourage you to check that out, as I give some structure to the conversation… Because we talked about the importance of emotion, the intelligent system that is at play within us, and that a lot of us have gotten negative associations with emotions… That it’s not safe to feel, it’s not safe to share in relationship, that they will be rejected or seen as flaws or weaknesses or vulnerabilities, in not a good way.
So we’ve developed certain coping strategies and defense mechanisms in response to threatening emotions, like fear, hurt, sadness, upset, disappointment, shame… So we are at a loss when it comes to cultivating intimacy, because we have to negotiate this hurdle of perhaps suppressing/denying/ignoring how we’re actually feeling, and then contending with our reactions.
I led with an excerpt that articulates a common disconnect pattern, where something happens and one person feels fear, or has a reaction, but then has a secondary emotion – often anger, criticism, some type of protest, and leads with that – and then the other partner feels some level of defensiveness, and then they’re off and running in disconnect. They’re not attending to that deeper need, that deeper fear… And that’s where if we can name that, create safety, tame some of that intensity and build empathy – and that’s what this emotional dialogue is so helpful for, in understanding, empathizing and feeling connected, so that we can reach to our significant other for support, for comfort, for reassurance, for help, when we feel alarmed or threatened. Most of us don’t know how to do that, we don’t have a map for that, so I’m just trying to support a picture of what this can look like in today’s episode.
As Dr. Susan Johnson says, “Learning to love and be loved is in effect about learning to tune into our emotions, so that we know what we need from a partner, and expressing those needs openly, in a way that evokes sympathy and support from him or her.” And knowing how to do that comes from a map of our early experiences in relationship, having our primary caregiver respond to our requests for whatever our need is; it could be for food, for comfort, for love, for nurturing… And if we’ve had those needs consistently met, and that our emotions are attuned to and responded to, then we begin to trust that process. So when we haven’t had that, there’s pain around this and fear around this, and a process of developing a new model; our old model was painful, was perhaps traumatizing, and we wanna install a new program. That does take a level of effort, but it is possible.
She also helps us understand that we are actually stronger in connection. She says “Nothing makes us stronger and happier than loving, stable, long-term bonds with others.”
She often cites an experiment done by Jim Coan at the University of Virginia. She writes about a social neuroscience experiment where they put women all happily married in an FMRI machine, and took pictures of their brains as they saw small circles and x’es flash in front of their eyes. They were told that when they saw the x’es, there would be a 20% chance that they would receive an electric shock on their ankles. After each shock, they rated on a simple scale how much it hurt.
The twist in the experiment – sometimes the women faced the shock/threat alone, other times they were with a stranger who came in the room and held their hand. And still, other times they faced the shock/threat with their husband clasping their hand. The results were fascinating. When the x’es popped up in front of their eyes and they were all alone, their brains lit up with activity like a Christmas tree. Alarm was everywhere. And they rated the shock, when it came, as very painful.
When the stranger grasped their hand, their brain reacted with less alarm to the x’es, and they found the shock less painful. Isolation is traumatizing and exasperates our perception of threat. But what is really interesting was when their husband grasped their hand, their brain barely responded to the x’es, just as if someone told them it was raining outside, and they said the shock was simply uncomfortable.
Dr. Susan Johnson offers such good evidence and research to support us in the validation that we are designed to be in bonded relationships, to have primary love, connection, and that we are actually more resourced when we are feeling that connection and that support.
Listening to her speak, she’s offered so many different examples, one of which that stood out to me. She referenced, I believe, a study where a couple who were close and bonded and they were feeling together, at the bottom of a mountain, would actually assess that mountain and the pursuit of climbing it as less high, less strenuous, and more doable than a person who is alone. Again, she is helping us remember the universal need for connection and support.
Just last night I was watching a movie on Amazon Prime, I believe. It’s called Britney Runs a Marathon. I thought it was gonna be super-silly, and there was elements of it that were, and I enjoyed it… I wasn’t sure if I was gonna like it. But there was a point in the movie — basically, if you haven’t watched it, it’s about this young woman who is overweight and struggling with feeling lost in her life, and not having direction, or feeling like she has purpose and meaning… So it’s her journey of how she finds her health and her well-being, and really overcoming some early trauma in her family, and relational bonds, and feeling like she can actually rely on people, or let people in. So she tends to push people away. And so her big goal is to run the New York marathon.
At the end of the — I don’t wanna give it away if you wanna watch it, but I’m gonna say it anyway, because it’s really notable; it got me emotionally… Where she is at mile 22 or something, and she’s got cramps, and she’s doubting if she can do it, and she’s at this precipice of like “I wanna give up. I’ve exhausted all of my motivation.” And out in the distance she hears her friends, who love her and are supporting her… And they’re like “Britney, you can do it! You’ve got this! We love you!” and she starts to kind of feel some motivation, and feel that support, and relying on that energy… And then she starts to keep going.
Then she hears another friend cheering her on, and then a little bit down the road she hears her significant other saying “I love you! You’ve got this! You’re almost there!” And it just was so touching, and such a good example… And yes, it might not seem as significant, but this was a big goal for her, and it did require her to dig deep, and work really hard. And she needed that human support.
That was part of the story – her relying and letting people in, and this is much of what we’re faced with in life. We are stronger in connection than in isolation.
Dr. Susan Johnson writes “One of the insidious effects of a cult of independence in the Western world is that we’ve been taught that suppressing our negative emotions is an effective, indeed the optimal strategy for getting along in life.”
I remember learning early on the adage “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” My clients tell me that they put huge effort into holding back when their partner upsets them. But that, we’ve now discovered, often simply exasperates relationship difficulties. Moreover, repression takes a huge psychological tool.
A couple that I’ve been working with the last few months – they are in a really tragic place in their marriage, and they talk about having been in a really difficult disconnect pattern for the last six years… And the husband in the marriage has a strategy of disconnecting and suppressing his emotion. And when he tells me his early upbringing, and about his parents, it makes perfect sense. And again, I wanna reiterate – stereotypically, I think men don’t get the social support to access their painful emotions. There’s a lot of reinforcement in the business world… Again, emotions aren’t really a positive benefit and a resource; that’s a liability. And perhaps in the way that men bond with each other, or in sports… There’s so many things that lend towards men containing their emotional world.
Well, as we’ve been discussing, the relationship difficulties that can come from this strategy – again, I wanna put no blame or shame on this strategy; it got us through especially our earlier experiences… But when we’re interested in emotional connection and partnership, this is a major hurdle.
One of his tendencies is to compartmentalize. He focuses on work, and he focuses on his children, and when there’s been this pain in his marriage, he shut down and he turned away. And when it got so, so painful, he built walls. He has made prior attempts to indicate his pain to his wife, and unfortunately, again, as I talked about in episode 199, those attempts often sound like criticism. His wife had no idea that he was hurting and that he was asking for help, and that he was trying to get her engagement and her to turn towards the pain he was feeling. So when she didn’t respond positively, he was like “Okay, I’ve made my efforts. I’ll throw up my hands, I don’t know what else to do. I’m gonna just turn away and contain it, and show up”, but he really ended up compartmentalizing himself so much that he started feeling numb and disconnected.
There’s a lot of other things that ensued in this… Because we are human, we have these needs. As much as we want to cut them off or not have them, they are there, and they need attention.
Dr. Susan Johnson writes: “The most functional way to regulate difficult emotions and love relationships is to share them. We know that confiding helps us recognize our thoughts and responses, get clear on our priorities, receive new information and feedback, and feel comforted and calmed.”
Stereotypically, I believe women have more experiences that support this experience of sharing in a positive way. If they didn’t get it in their family, oftentimes they’ll get it in their female relationships. And typically, women can share a lot of emotional intimacy together, and are often looking to have a similar level of emotional intimacy with their significant others. However, again, stereotypically, when men haven’t had as much experience in this realm, don’t have the same access, or the capacity, and therefore can seem threatening, and this can then spawn that disconnect/reactivity pattern in relationship that I talked a lot about in episode 199.
Dr. Susan Johnson shares an example of what it can look like when someone’s beginning to learn how to share the deeper underbelly, even when they didn’t have the programming or the installation of the map of sharing these emotions in childhood. She writes:
“Andrew grew up with volatile, abusive parents, and is sensitized to loud voices. So when his wife, Amy, raises her voice, he moves into fear faster and more intensely than someone who was reared in a tranquil, supportive home.”
“Deep down I’m so wary and so vulnerable”, Andrew confesses to Amy during couples therapy. “I’m always ready to run. It is hard for me to let you in. I always assume the worst is happening. I guess I need lots of reassurance that you do want to be with me, and I need for you to be patient as I learn to trust.”
She also writes “Good relationships in childhood do not mean that our emotional life becomes consistently even and positive, but it does mean that we are more likely to discover that our negative emotions are workable and useful, and that our positive emotions can be trusted and rejoiced in.
The good news is that even if we were emotionally starved in our childhood relationships, our adult lovers offer us a second chance to learn new and more effective ways to deal with our emotions and signal our longings to each other.”
This is why I am so passionate about offering education, working with clients, offering opportunities to learn the map of these types of emotionally-connected conversations.
If you’ve heard me talk about my story and some of my early upbringing, and the abandonment and loss and trauma that I faced and dealt with, there were so many painful, terrifying emotions that I learned to turn towards. And this was not always the case. I don’t think I was aware, and I had all these different tendencies and strategies that I ran in previous relationships… And then when I ran up against the conflict and the challenges started to teach me some of this deeper underbelly, and the commitment to work with that directly, and the courage to take some of these emotional risks… And that over and over, it resulted in more connection, even though it felt as though I was on a cliff and I was freediving.
And what was interesting is not only did I find my own taming of the fear as I stood in the recognition, in the identifying it and sharing it with my husband, but I felt his comfort and soothing as he turned towards me. And it’s this beautiful, positive feedback loop that continues to offer the development of security in relationship.
Dr. Susan Johnson writes about a client who says “It’s a strange thing. I have had these inner demons, these terrible fears about myself all these years. I could never risk letting anyone see me. It’s like I could get hijacked by terror if anyone got really close. If I trusted them and they hurt me again, it felt too risky.
But now (this is after the therapeutic work with Terry), I can touch my shame and my fear and ask for his help with these feelings. And when he gives it, I calm down; I feel reassured, and somehow more whole. It’s like a loop – more safe connection leads to more feelings of safety inside, and vice versa.”
More secure bonding teaches us how to tolerate, work with, and use our emotions. And being able to manage our emotion, in turn, helps us adapt and connect with others.
I’m gonna read a little more, because it’s so important… “A secure relationship is one in which we learn to become emotionally intelligent. Loving partners help us when we are confused and unsure about our feelings, as when we feel too little or too much.”
Again, she’s speaking to the tendency of constricting and containing and clamping down our emotions… And the too much of being really expressive, and trying to get attention, and trying to get attunement, but fearing that we’re not, so we get louder because we’re afraid someone’s not gonna see us. And that when we can become more secure, we find our balance.
As I reflect on my own life, I can tell you I’ve had many experiences in different avenues where I have had this emotional attunement and the space to process. My mother has been a beautiful source of holding and presencing for emotional sharing and processing.
I remember in adolescence not only did I have really deep friendships, where we would talk deeply and share openly, and offer this processing space, and naming and identifying emotions, and organizing them, and offering feedback and insight… I also was a part of a youth group, and I wasn’t always engaged, but I would go to these retreats that were very personal, growth-oriented… And it was offering this safe space to bond and share more openly, in a group setting. I think it’s particularly helpful in adolescence, because adolescents are so peer-driven.
Then obviously my field, in psychology, and the different places that I’ve done my own work as I’ve developed my emotional intelligence, has assisted me in the experience of my own emotional process. As you’ve heard me talk about in previous podcasts, if you’ve been a long-time listener, intimate relationship has been one of the most profound teachers, and helping me access the deep, deep, core places in myself that I don’t think I would have otherwise had access to that transformation.
Dr. Susan Johnson talks about “The ability to find balance is the most basic lesson we learn (or not) from our early attachment figures. Those of us who have had even just one such positive relationship with a parental figure gain an advantage. We acquire the procedural map of how to hold on to our emotional equilibrium and connect with others. Being in balance allows us to move in many directions easily, and does have more ways of responding to and dancing with others.”
When she’s talking about more ways of responding, when we are regulated, we have access to more of our brain, more of our emotional range… When we’re in fear, we constrict and we have narrow vision, tunnel vision. Again, we’re in that more protective, survival, even sometimes fight or flight, and there’s just a very clear focus of protection. Whereas positive emotions turn on our curiosity and desire to engage and explore. They set us up for openness and learning.
You might be able to reflect on your own life and recognizing times where you have felt positivity and joy, and felt more open, felt more secure, felt more expansive and curious, and able to access more connection and understanding and information… Whereas when we’re in fear – again, we’re usually in that narrow, tighter, rigid focus.
Dr. Susan Johnson writes “In a nutshell, the better you are at listening to and distilling your emotions and sending clear emotional signals, the better your relationships will be.” If I can reiterate, these emotions are our primary emotions: shame, fear, sadness, surprise, joy and sometimes anger. Anger often is a secondary emotion, and this is where people get stuck… Because they feel the frustration, they feel the anger, and they feel as though “I’m sharing with you, I’m telling you my emotion, and you’re getting defensive, and you’re not responding, and feeling so stuck.” But I wanna encourage you to spend a little more time and pausing into that softening of a deeper, deeper layer, and that deeper feeling of that core, primary emotion.
This is where a really good support person, coach, a therapist can assist, if this is something that is new terrain for you… Because this is where, again, our partner will lean in and will respond. This is where empathy occurs, and this is where the emotional intimacy develops.
I wanna encourage you that if you’re listening to this show and finding in your own life difficulty in cultivating these deeper, softer, clear emotional conversations, that it’s hard to send a distilled, clear cue to your significant other, and notably that they respond with empathy or sympathy. Because if they’re getting defensive, it’s likely – even with your best intentions – that you’re talking about them with criticism, or some complaint, and they’re getting distracted by your characterization.
So when I invite you to get support – again, I mentioned in episode 199 the guide, Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication… I will put a link on today’s show notes, so that you can easily access that guide.
Also, I developed a course by the same title, Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication. If you’re interested in learning more, simply access the Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication guide and then you will be receiving emails and also more information about that course.
I also wanna invite you to perhaps get these books, “Love Sense” and “Hold Me Tight”, also by Susan Johnson, or seek out a support person in the way of a coach or a therapist. It is so helpful to get a guide in navigating these tricky disconnect patterns, especially if they’ve been deeply-entrenched for a long period of time.
If you are interested in working with me directly, you can access a free strategy session by going to DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Schedule and then you can sign up for the strategy session there. If you’re interested in couples work, please schedule a Couples Strategy Session. If you’re interested in getting individual help, then you can simply do the Individual Strategy Session.
Thank you for listening. Again, today’s episode is 200, “How to use your emotional intelligence for connection, Part II.” You can find today’s show notes on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, find all the episodes there.
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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