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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 208, “How to find balance and direction during the Covid-19 pandemic.” Before we get started, I want to take a moment and join with you… I recognize I’m actually offering this episode as a special episode; I have several episodes already lined up in the queue, and I just had wanted to spend some time with you around this topic.

I know some of you perhaps are taking this really seriously, and maybe others of you are overwhelmed with all the information that’s already coming at you, and perhaps some other people are not as affected by this, and perhaps  aren’t as impacted. So I recognize that.

I had sent an email to my list about a week and a half ago, and I recognize not all of you are on my email list, so I wanted to just be connected to you in community around this current climate, in that it’s affecting all of us.

As I typically do, I wanna just take a moment and center with you. The intention of this podcast is changing today; I wanna weave in a lot of the principles that we’ve already discussed, and perhaps how it fits in the current challenge of life, in whatever degree we’re being impacted.

So as I reiterate and  affirm the purpose and the intention of this show, I wanna invite you to consider what feels of value and meaning to you right now; perhaps why you’re tuning in, what you’re interested in gaining, or perhaps something you’re searching for, and just bringing recognition to that, and honoring of that.

The intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast is for you to feel better supported as you are investing in the quality of your connection with your significant other. In the support of that, I interview other experts, I offer shows on topics that I hear clients talking about or having questions about, and listeners also submit questions, and I do my best to provide tips, tools, resources for you to consider and contemplate in your next moves, or perhaps the way you show up in relationship, knowing that at times we may be confronted with something that feels challenging or difficult – it might feel threatening, it might feel like insecurity, it might feel like alarm, or anger, and just to hold  space, that perhaps there’s learning and development that that challenge can teach us.

Again, so often what we talk about on this show – it’s less about trying to control a difficulty happening or not happening, that we hold the  possibility that there is challenge along the way in life; there are bumps in the road, and it’s not so much that there are bumps in the road that determine the success or the quality even of our experience, but how we navigate those bumps is the game-changer, is the real difference-maker in our experience.

So as we talk about relationship, when we are confronted with these difficulties, that we try to lean in and tune inward as to what is coming up in us, perhaps that we might be able to recognize, learn from, grow from, show up differently, that it’s a teacher for us.

Also, that perhaps even the good times might challenge us to expand our comfort zone, that we can experience more love, more joy, more intimacy, connection than perhaps we’ve known before.

I know that I have experienced both ends of this spectrum, and also part of the middle ground there on this spectrum is showing up in consistency, and developing more stability and security in our way of relating… And that can challenge us as well.

Again, in a nutshell, all of the things discussed on this show are in support of you feeling better prepared in cultivating long-lasting intimacy. If you would like access to today’s show notes or any other episodes and show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the links there. Again, today’s episode is 208, “How to find balance and direction”, I would say during challenging times, and currently I’m speaking more specifically to the pandemic of the Coronavirus.

Let’s get started in today’s episode. I’m gonna reference the email that I sent out, and basically I was acknowledging that, to some degree, we’re likely to be feeling distress, whether or not you’ve been impacted by fear and panic, or perhaps you know your loved ones in your community, or perhaps even know somebody – hopefully not – that’s died, or has been greatly impacted by this virus. We all are feeling the constriction of the social responsibility, of changing our lifestyle so that we can really protect others. That’s being mandated in a lot of areas. I’m in California, and that being one of the areas…

So just to recognize the stress – I actually have had a lot of clients talk to me about conflict in their home, whether or not it’s family, or a significant other, and perhaps even their different viewpoints around what’s happening in the world. The common conflict that I’m noticing is where one person is really empathetic and sympathetic to the hardship and the tragedy that’s occurring for others as it relates to this pandemic… And that someone in their life, perhaps their significant other or a family member is not taking it very seriously.

I’ve heard a lot of different stories, and just to recognize that we in our own home might experience conflict around the way we approach this difficulty of how we are in community at large around a very threatening virus. Depending on where you are in the world, perhaps you’re a little further along in having had the virus be very much in your community.

As I said, I’m in the U.S, so a lot of people are probably a week, a week-and-a-half, or even two weeks into the initial threat. Initially, it seems like a lot of people felt great degrees of uncertainty, some people felt panicked, felt scared, and also a sense of loss – freedom, ability to be around other people, to travel… So it was pretty apparent initially of where people were being impacted, even if they didn’t have the Coronavirus in someone close to them.

So as I mentioned with the Empowered Relationship Podcast, so much of what we talk about is attempting to look at how we deal with challenges, rather than trying to eliminate the challenge. When we’re confronted with a threat, it’s a very normal human response to go into that fear mode, and do our best to control. That’s a way of managing fear – to try to control our environment, our people around us, and control to whatever degree we can to feel safe. Where this can be challenging is when we lose our ground. If we’re feeling so much fear and panic that we’re losing a sense of well-being, or feeling so anxious or afraid that it’s hard to function.

Conversely, perhaps you’re in the camp of “I see way more difficult things than this on a daily basis.” One of my clients – her father is a doctor, and he deals with a lot of cancer patients… So he’s really feeling as though a virus compared to what he sees on a regular day is nothing in comparison. And yet, there’s a communal effort that’s happening right now.

Or I had a client tell me that her husband was really dismissing her concerns, telling her that it was gonna be fine, there’s really  no threat, we’re both healthy, there’s nothing to worry about. And while he probably was really trying to encourage her, help soothe her fear, which she was describing to me as feeling pretty dismissed… And I work with her individually, so I don’t work with them as a couple… And this is something they’re working on in their relationship, so it’s actually something that’s a growth area, and it shows up here as well.

She was describing just her heart breaking for what she was witnessing on social media, and different stories and videos, and really wanting a space to have her husband listen and be supportive in understanding. So this is a challenge that they’re facing, again, as I said, in their relationship, but it’s also becoming particularly pronounced in their different ways of approaching how  to handle this pandemic.

We all have different ways of experiencing and approaching challenges, and I don’t have a real firm stance that any way is better than another, or that there’s a right way or wrong way… But I will say I see that the middle ground, if we’re talking about being balanced and attuned – there’s an ability to be connected to others and connected to ourself.

So it’s not turning away and attempting to ignore the issue, and it’s not panicking and losing ground completely. We’re doing our best to find a level of presence, authenticity, and working towards greater solutions.

This morning when I was eating breakfast I was reading an article out of a recent Psychology Today Magazine that was exploring and looking at research as it relates to coincidences, or why things happen; why bad things happen to good people even. And one of the points the author was making was bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to people all over the world, and really perhaps that the way that we perceive something as bad or good is significant in our meaning-making. So perhaps to shift that question into “Things happen to people.” And perhaps the more important thing to focus on is “What am I gonna do about it?” and “How are we gonna respond?”

So often on this show, as we talk about relationship, and perhaps differences that we might encounter with our significant other, or perhaps even a real hardship that was unanticipated, and that that’s gonna feel difficult, and there’s gonna be a charge to that… And really looking at how we react versus respond.

As we’re looking at this current crisis, posing the question of “Where is our opportunity of how we’re dealing with this?” Perhaps we can grow our sense of compassion, our sense of grace, our sense of balance. Maybe we have an opportunity to work with how we manage our reactions and our fears and our anxieties, and our worries… Or perhaps we increase our self-understanding, our self-care, and learn how to reach out to others for more connection.

I have a lot of clients that are feeling really isolated, and part of what they’re working with as the vulnerability in reaching for greater contact and greater connection. Now, of course, in the theme of social distancing we’re not talking about physical contact, but there can be really creative ways that people are making attempts to stay connected and to feel a sense of bond, even in the current limitations.

When I sent the email out about a week-and-a-half ago, my interest was really to invite us to be in practice together, knowing that we’re all feeling challenged, and that again, if we’re gonna look at this as how we are handling the challenge, I offered three points to consider. I’m gonna go through those with you here.

The first is awareness. How can you stay present to what you’re feeling and experiencing, so that you can stay regulated and balanced? This can be of benefit if you’re practicing individually, and it can also be of benefit if you’re practicing in relationship. When we are balanced and regulated, we are much more able to respond with all of our faculties… Versus when we are in that reactive state or activated state, oftentimes the fight or flight or freeze state, we are in protection mode, in survival mode, and we will typically do things that we wouldn’t otherwise do… And we’re not working with all of the information; we’re making a very quick decision, to protect ourselves.

It’s not this very deliberate, informed process of making a decision, it’s a very quick decision, and that’s designed to be quick so that we can protect ourselves. But again, if we’re just following that quick reactive choice-making, we can end up perhaps creating a lot of fear, and perhaps even make decisions from a very limited place that keeps us in a limited experience.

You might be finding that if you’ve been living in very close quarters with your significant other or family for any length of time, that the level of tension is rising. And if we are not aware, it’s likely that our level of reactivity or reactions to our family or our significant other might be increasing.

What happens here is sometimes if we’re not aware, we can be reacting to each other and it has this downward spiral effect. My husband and I have noticed this, that if he’s having a reaction to something I did or said, and he reacts, I tend to react to his reaction, and then he’s reacting to my reaction… And you can see that it’s a very quick loop. As you can see, if we’re both in fear and reacting, and then we’re reacting to each other, that just compounds the difficulty, and we’re really not accessing the greater information… And it simply could be “I’m feeling stressed”, or “I’m really scared about our financial situation.”

In order to access the greater understanding or deeper layer of what’s involved and where we’re coming from, it does require a certain level of attentiveness and noticing, being connected to how we’re feeling and what we’re experiencing.

In the example that I mentioned earlier, where a client of mine had been watching and listening to videos and reading things on social media – her heart was breaking. Feeling significant pain. And she turned to her husband, and he more or less was just dismissing it and saying it’s gonna be okay. So what I was inviting her into was if you could tell him what you’re wanting and what you’re looking for – that’s increasing the field of awareness for herself, and for him, that then offers an opportunity. So again, the situation has not changed; how she’s dealing with it and how she’s connecting with her husband is changing, and it could be a night and day difference.

So often on this show I talk about when we are in that activated state and we are protesting or reacting, it’s likely our partner has no idea what’s going on for us internally and our deeper needs. So if you can recognize, pay attention, build awareness around how you’re doing, or even when you do feel activated, to turn towards that, to really focus on regulating.

There’s lots of suggestions that I added, and I’m actually gonna publish an article so you can access this if you’re not on my newsletter, that you can get some of these tips… Because one of the things I offered is by Gay and Katie Hendricks. They’ve done a lot of work using somatic techniques to shift fear, and they call it fear-melters. So they’re giving real clear directives for each of the fight, flight, freeze, and I think they have one other one… And there’s an action and a movement that they’re encouraging people to do if they can recognize the type of fear that they’re in… So it’s a real great tool. It might feel silly at first, but I would encourage you to play with it and just see what you notice, if anything shifts for you.

Then there’s often the breathing exercises, and talking to someone you love, really asking for “Would you  be willing to just listen? My heart is hurting, and what I really would love is just some space to feel heard.”

The second practice is intention. How do you want to be through this stressful period of time? What would  you like to create in your life, given the current circumstances? Again, perhaps the hardship is what it is; we can’t change that. How do we wanna move through this experience?

For some of you, it might be “I want to have more grace. I wanna slow down, I wanna be more present…” I have so many clients that are telling me that they are slowing down, and that they’re having time to reflect and contemplate, which they normally don’t give themselves.

This morning my husband and I had an exchange, and we were asking each other “What are you gonna do to take care of yourself today?” When he asked me, I had to take a minute and really ponder that, because my schedule was very full today, and I have a lot of work on my plate… So I knew that I wasn’t gonna have time to perhaps go for a walk outside, or do some yoga with the video, or something that I would typically enjoy. And I said “I wanna just be mindful of my breath.” I’m listening to a lot of people and their hardships, and being of service, and I love my work, and it’s important for me to stay regulated and grounded, and if I don’t have a lot of space in my schedule, one simple tool is to just continue to breathe deeply. Such a simple, and yet so powerful tool.

Intention can also help bring focus, and can bring some clarity in all of the chaos and randomness, and it can guide our behavior and our actions and our choices.

Again, I have an article that I will post on today’s show notes, so you can get lots of other suggestions and links to support you if you’re interested in engaging in this practice. So some suggestions for intention… It could be kindness. “I’m gonna take extra care to be kind, knowing that most people are feeling agitated, or some level of stress and arousal right now.” That kindness can help bring people into greater contact of the heart space, being in relationship. And again, the way we can be in relationship is limited right now, but there is still a quality that we can engage in, that can feel different than the panic, chaos and fear.

I’ve heard a lot of examples of different ways that people are cultivating connection, and getting creative in how they can share time together… Whether or not it’s a birthday party on a video chat, or — my husband actually last week scheduled a game night with some friends, and we did it on Zoom, which is a video conferencing platform… And it was so fun just to be with everybody and laugh, more than anything; just to be sharing a moment of play together.

Another suggestion for having an intention perhaps would be impeccable self-care… Whether or not it’s just getting more sleep, or practicing joy, or spending time cultivating more positive bonding activities.

In the article I will have lots of suggestions which could be generating deeper conversation questions; that wasn’t in my initial email, so if you’re interested, I wanna encourage you to check out the article. There will be a lot of exercises and questions that you could use as prompts to engage in this more positive bond-building, with either your significant other, or perhaps another family member.

The third practice is mindful action. How are you practicing discernment? How can you choose your response, rather than just reacting in fear? Again, if we’re looking at more of this middle ground, it’s staying informed, being up to date in the recommendations and the safety measures… Again, most of us wanna be socially responsible and be contributing to the care and health of others, but also wanna still be taking care of oneself. So sometimes we need to really ponder.

There’s been so many instances where people have been debating “Should I do this? Should I not do this? What’s okay, what’s not okay?” and sometimes this isn’t a clear yes or no, and how do we arrive at that decision?

Recently somebody commented, I think with some wisdom, that if I’m pondering so much, it’s probably not a good idea. Really, what’s being asked is  a short time – perhaps, given the current order, it could be two weeks, and “Can I really err on the side of caution during this time? It’s a sacrifice, but if I look at (again) my intention and how I’m being mindful, this will be a place that I can feel aligned.” Being in alignment.

Oftentimes we will justify, rationalize, minimize our behavior, and at the end of the day we won’t feel a sense of integrity, because we’ve been out of alignment… And that’s where this intention can be helpful, because it’s a guiding principle that helps us make decisions. And when we’re mindful, we’re gathering information and we’re choosing, rather than reacting.

One resource that I will make sure to have a link to, that I’ve been really finding great value in, is a meditation practice by doctor Daniel Siegel. It’s titled “The Wheel of Awareness.” Dr. Daniel Siegel recently wrote a book titled Aware, where he goes into great depth of this practice. I actually heard him speak this last December, and I really appreciate him. I’ve actually known of his work and referenced him before he has done so much research. He’s got a whole team of people working around mindfulness; he works out of UCLA, and the level of rigor of research that him and his team have conducted, and how it crosses different disciplines and is integrating the research and principles that have been tested and proven into a system that is really accessible.

He has taught practitioners and people that teach in schools, so grade schoolers are utilizing this wheel of awareness, and then other people in very high positions in the Parliament, and executives, and people of leadership. Some of the stories of what people are experiencing, and how it’s making such a difference in their lives is really profound.

One of the things that I’ve found really helpful is this analogy. He described — this isn’t exact; I don’t think the proportions are correct in the way he describes in his book… But let’s imagine we have a vessel of water; let’s say it’s a gallon of water. If we pour a cup of salt into that gallon of water, it’s gonna be undrinkable. It’s not gonna taste good, and we’re not gonna wanna drink that water. However, if we expand the vessel, let’s say 10,000 tons of water, if we put that same cup of salt into that large vessel, and its’ stirred, we might not even really detect the salt. It will be absolutely drinkable.

What he’s saying is the salt amount is still the same in both vessels. The ratio of water to salt has dramatically changed… And that he likens the salt to perhaps any difficulty, hardship that we’re experiencing in life. When we can expand our awareness, our relationship to that level of salt changes. If we’re over-identified – let’s say we have chronic back pain, and it’s all we think about, it’s all we’re focused on and all we’re experiencing, it’s gonna be debilitating and hard to function. And look, I’m not saying that this is gonna be someone’s experience, but what he has found is that when people expand their awareness and are focusing on other aspects, not to say that they’re denying the back pain, but they’re also aware of other aspects, that it expands their awareness. They’re present to the pain, it still exists, but the relationship to it has changed.

Again, through research, he has designed a metaphor of a wheel. If you  imagine the perimeter of the wheel – that represents what’s known; what we’re aware of, what we can really concretely identify. And then if you imagine the center of the wheel – he’s calling that the hub. That represents awareness. And the practice goes through different segments of what’s known, and then invites us to be present to awareness. It’s more of this meta-awareness, meaning we’re aware of being aware.

I’ll just briefly name the different aspects… The first segment, if you will, is focusing on the five senses: hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, touching. And this is all being done in a more relaxed, quiet, perhaps even meditative state. And then the second segment is to observe and be present to our physical, physiological state. So going from head to toe, and then even up and through all of the organs, the heart, the lungs… And just to bring awareness and presence to the physical body.

Then the third is looking at or being present to the thinking. Just noticing how thoughts emerge, and what thinking patterns exist, whether or not it’s thinking about what happened in the past, or thinking about what’s gonna happen next, and just to notice.

Then the fourth is to be aware and present to relationships. It could be people in your immediate environment, family, significant other, pets perhaps even… And then our extended network, and then our community at large. And then perhaps the whole population of the Earth… And then plants, and animals, and maybe even the Earth in general, and maybe even the Universe, and the cosmos, the different planets, and stars… So he’s inviting just our way of relating to others, and our sense of relationship.

Then he has us turn towards the hub, and being present and aware of just awareness. When I have done this, I have found it to be really a great exercise, because I’ve already gone through and named what exists and what I’m aware of… So my mind’s not ping-ponging around. I’ve already identified it, I’ve already named it, so it gives me a little more ease to just be present to being with awareness and what consciousness – and again, some of the things that we lack language for…

So I invite  you to just try this out if you’re interested, and I will have a link to his audio version of the meditation. He actually guides people in his voice; and he’s, again, a researcher at UCLA, so he’s really practical and accessible for many people. I’ll also put a link to his book Aware, if you’re interested, and you can go a lot  deeper with that.

So in wrapping up, we’re looking at the practice of intention, again, that helps orient us like a compass, giving us direction during very uncertain times. We can’t see perhaps where we’re gonna be a month from now, two months from now. It’s hard to predict. But if we have an intention, it really helps orient us in the moment.

We’re also looking at the practice of awareness, and being more awake to what’s happening around us and what’s happening in us, so that we can take better care of ourselves and we can also show up more fully with others.

And the third practice, mindful action, which helps us respond with more wisdom and clarity. We’re being informed, we’re being intentional. Using intention and awareness, so that we can be more mindful and take action from that place, rather than the reactivity.

As I mentioned, I have an article that goes into more depth. If you’re interested, I encourage you to check that out. Again, you can access today’s show notes on my website, which is DrJessicaHiggins.com click on Podcast and you can find today’s episode there at the top. Again, 208, “How to find balance and direction during the Covid-19 pandemic.”

If you’re noticing perhaps a level of reactivity or criticism showing up in this difficult, stressful time, I will also have a link to a guide of how to shift criticism into connected communication, also on today’s show notes.

Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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