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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 215, “How to deal with being alone together.” Before we get started in today’s episode, I wanna take a moment and settle into an intention. As I set the intention for the Empowered Relationship podcast, I wanna invite you to touch in on something that’s of interest to you. Perhaps it’s an intention you’re holding in your life currently, or perhaps it’s something you’re interested in gaining more insight, guidance, support around. So if you just take a moment and perhaps turn inwards and reflect on that.

For the Empowered Relationship podcast, my goal and intention is for you to be well-equipped as you are negotiating relationship, and all of its ups and downs, and also the creation, the co-creation of stability and long-lasting intimacy… And knowing that the terrain of long-term intimacy can be challenging at times, and what gets brought up for us, and within the relationship, or perhaps some life challenge that we’re dealing with, as we all are faced with in this current moment in time, with the global pandemic, the Covid-19.

In today’s episode I’m wanting to offer a little more specific support that is related to the pandemic. I do have several episodes lined up, but I realize this is just such a unique time. I really wanna do my best to show up for you.

If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find all the episodes listed there. Again, today’s episode is 215, “How to deal with being alone together.”

On the show notes page you’ll find links mentioned, and you’ll also find the transcript. So if you’re interested in getting a  little more detail or wanna  read the episode, you can visit that transcript page. Most episodes have that, and if you’re interested in getting one in the early episodes, that’s not on there, feel free to let me know and I will make sure to get that created for you.

On the show notes page  you’ll also find a free guide, “Shifting criticism into connected communication.” Now, this guide gives you examples of how to turn a critical statement into a more connected communication request, and a more constructive way to approach your partner in a way that they’re gonna respond to you and hear  you.

I encourage you to check that out, as criticism tends to show up in so many different areas in our life, and it definitely impacts the quality of the connection and the dynamic. Again, how your partner is gonna hear you and respond to you, and actually support your deeper need.

Again, if you would like access to that, visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on today’s show notes, episode 215, “How to deal with being alone together.” Let’s get started in today’s episode.

Last week I was watching a show on television, and I saw an advertisement with a hashtag, and it said #alonetogether. I don’t watch TV all that often; when I do watch a show, I typically watch a documentary or something that isn’t typically on network TV, so I don’t see a lot of commercials typically. So when I saw this advertisement, I noticed an immediate reaction inside myself, of “I’m not sure that’s what I would call it.” And I thought “It seems like what I’m hearing more people speak to is how we’re all together in being alone.”

In response to an email that I had sent out to my list last week, I was talking about the common experience of feeling really divided right now, and that there are a lot of opinions and perspectives about how to move forward in our current circumstance… And that some people say it’s way too soon to be opening up, and that we have not even reached the peak, others are saying we need to get our economies back up and running. We are all being impacted by the uncertainty, the concern, the grief, the grief might feel like frustration, anger, denial, irritation, sadness… And for people’s health, for the economy, and our sense of connection.

In the email I asked people how I might be of more support right now in a topic that I might be able to discuss, and I heard back from several people… And here are just a few people’s situations. Because when I was discussing in the email, I was mentioning how many people who are in couplehood are spending so much time together, and it’s almost as if like they’re in a pressure cooker, and that it amplifies, it magnifies challenges and difficult dynamics… And what I was suggesting is that’s not entirely bad, and that sometimes we want or benefit from turning up the heat  a little bit.

When we turn up that heat, it can be a catalyst to create change and transformation. This puts us in a position where the issues are so glaring that it’s almost impossible to overlook. And I can’t emphasize enough that it’s how we address the issues that will be the difference-maker in the results that we get. We can essentially blow up our relationship, causing more harm and injury if we do this in a destructive way. Or if we do it in a more conscious and clear way, we can break through to new levels of understanding connection and intimacy. And I can say that sometimes we do need support for this, so that’s one of the things that I’m seeing with my clients… And I’m thrilled about that it’s almost as though they have been in turbo mode, with the intensity of being quarantined together.

In response to my request to hear how I might be of more support, again, several people responded, and here are a couple people’s situations… One listener is a first-responder, and it has been an incredibly stressful time in his profession and line of work, in being on the front line. And he’s been legally separated from his wife and therefore his children. He’s been actively working extremely hard to restore the bond and the emotional connection with his wife.

In the email that I am referencing, I also shared two podcasts that I’ve shared recently, as it relates to men and emotional intelligence. I also commented in this email that statistically speaking, women in heterosexual relationships are the ones to initiate a breakup or a divorce. Another person talked about  her concern for her partner’s health issues, and that for many years there’s been a number of compounding health-related concerns, and she talked about feeling a little worried, or perhaps even scared to bring up her concerns, or even her needs for that matter, in fear of upsetting him more.

Another listener talked about the challenge of during this stressful time watching her significant other shut down, and using stonewalling as a form of dealing with conflict and being really frustrated at how to re-engage him.

For those of you that are new to the term “stonewalling”, it’s basically where someone is not responding. Perhaps they’re being stone-cold, they’re not giving any eye contact, very little non-verbal, very little verbal responses, and therefore it’s like talking to a wall.

Another listener shared that her and her significant other aren’t  able to see each other only every eight weeks. I’m not sure of the entire circumstances, but she’s really saying there’s challenges in the lack of physical contact, especially being that physical touch is one of their love languages. Another listener described really feeling challenged with old childhood trauma, and how to get support around that.

As I share with you some of these listeners’ circumstances and what they’re going through in addition to the pandemic and the stress around that, I just wanna acknowledge that while they have their specific questions related to what they’re going through, there seems to be a thread here of dealing with some degree of disconnect. And typically when we are feeling that lack of connection, whether or not it’s the physical contact or not knowing how to reach someone, or not knowing how to deal with what we’re dealing with emotionally and how to make that connection, or to be in a place of separation, it’s hard to bridge. Again, when we’re feeling that, we can often feel very alone.

One of the things — if you’ve been a long-term listener, you’ve heard me discuss on a very core level the importance of being in relationship, being in connection. And while I emphasize and talk specifically about intimate relationship, I do believe that this is true across the board, in any relationship that we are investing in and that matters to us, as we are wired up for connection, and that this is part of our lifeline.

In this moment in time we have many things working against us, working against connection. The physical distancing, or as we’re calling it, the social distancing from friends, community members, extended family… For many of us, when we are seeking a little contact, it can be an easy thing to turn towards social media to get a little exposure to what our friends and family are up to and what they’re talking about. At the same time, there can be this illusion that that’s a form of connection, when really we are observing the highlight reel or we’re being exposed to a perspective without the real relationship, without the dialogue? So it can leave us feeling pretty unsatisfied and unfulfilled, and we might not even recognize it. Or even watching television and seeing the advertisements.

Typically, my husband and I – this comes from just my family growing up; they would always mute the commercials, and that was just helpful to kind of cut through some of the noise. I still tend to watch what’s being shown… And oftentimes there’s a sales pitch, and they’re wanting to hook us on something that we need – which I get, and at the same time, psychologically it can inform the belief that we aren’t good enough, or we need something else… And that can tend to, again, lend towards that feeling of not-enoughness. And then we add in, again, as the fears that I’ve already spoken to, about the health and safety for ourselves and others, as well as our economy and the financial stability, as well as the unknown and the uncertainty.

So all this anxiety, fear, stress can take us out of relationship with ourselves and with others. It’s interesting to watch… As I’m commenting on this, I’m just recognizing in myself if I’m preoccupied with thoughts of work, or I’m feeling stressed about something, and given that my husband and I are pretty empathetic with one another, we are pretty sensitive, and we’ve been together for  a period of time… So there’s a subtlety in observing one another, and that attunement. And especially living in such close quarters and being quarantined for many weeks now… So if I’m in a place of preoccupation, my husband notices very quickly, and that I’m not really being present. Vice-versa, if I can tell he’s feeling some level of agitation, or irritation, I’m querying him.

Sometimes we don’t always know what’s going on, but what’s happening there is there’s a recognition that the person has perhaps got something going on. Now, there’s no blame or shame in that, it’s just the awareness that perhaps there’s something to be looked at, or to be worked with. We want to turn towards that stress or that preoccupation and maybe work with it, and/or choose to put it aside for the moment and bring the attention back to the relationship, so we can be together and be more in contact. Now, again, this isn’t something to be expected of full contact, 100% of the time; that’s not what we’re looking for here. It’s, again, how do we do both? How do we have contact with ourselves in a very authentic, true way. And again, that’s not 100%. That’s an ebbing and flowing; we’re living life, we’re being impacted. It’s like, if you imagine being in the ocean and there’s waves; that level of buoyancy isn’t always 100%. Sometimes we feel that we’re just treading water, and all is good, other times we’re working really hard, and sometimes our head is not above water. So it’s the recognition of where we are, and also being present to relationship. We’re gonna talk a lot more about this.

Again, we’re talking about “alone together”, and as I’m mentioning some of these listeners’ circumstances, and perhaps them feeling disconnected, alone, and perhaps even lonely. And then we’re also gonna talk about the quality of connection.

And I just wanna mention, in addition to what I’ve already described about what makes it tricky  – the physical distancing, perhaps social media, our fears, our anxieties, relationship, conflict and stress – that culturally, at least in Western mainstream culture, we place a lot of value on the doing, the achievements, the being productive. Independence is highly praised; I totally get that. And there is a lot of value in what that produces, in what that creates. And so many times I’ve heard people discuss what they’re excited about as far as what they’re learning, or the projects that they’re engaged in, or what they’re accomplishing in the way of cleaning, or whatever it is… And that’s, again, beautiful. And if we’re looking at the fuller picture, where do we have time to be still, or do we even know how to be still?

Years ago, when I was in my masters program – this was before I did my Ph.D. program – I took an elective workshop about Five Element Theory from the traditional Chinese medicine orientation. And part of the theory is looking at the five elements: wood, fire, earth, metal and water. And the way that it was described and taught to me at that time was if you imagine putting these five elements in a circle, that there’s this developmental cycle that occurs in nature, and that occurs in our life. We can perhaps even see this in the seasons; in the beginning of spring perhaps you have the very beginnings of budding, and the emerging from winter… And then you progressively have a blossoming, and the fuller experience of the flowers, and the foliage, and all the expressions of life and nature really fully expressed…

And then you have fall, which then begins to wane, and the falling of the leaves, and the folding of the blossoms, and the transition into winter. So winter typically — now, these are four seasons, and they’re talking about five elements, so again, I’m totally doing this in a very rudimentary way; if you’re interested in learning more, I encourage you to check it out. I imagine I’m not doing it justice here… But what I wanna say is that there is a stage of stillness. And when I remember learning about that,  I was like “Wow… I don’t think I give myself a lot of space to just intentionally be still. Nor do I feel a lot of support in my life, externally, whether or not it’s my family, or schooling, or community, or culture. That’s highly valued. I don’t see a lot of examples.

And the benefit of stillness that was being described was that this was necessary for a level of discernment, of getting clear, letting things settle, perhaps evaluating… And really looking at “How do we take action? How do we move forward if we don’t know where we are and where we’re coming from?” If we’re always in that perpetual, forward motion of doing, where do we actually have the clarity and the discernment to orient with that skillfulness and that mindfulness?

I think many people are familiar with the encouragement that if you’re working on a project or perhaps you’re mulling over a difficult challenge that you’re trying to solve, that it can be helpful to take breaks to perhaps get some perspective, look at it from the new angle, give yourself time to rest so you have new energy… So that relates probably here as well.

I wanted to share just as I looked at my own life, and if there was an example I could share with you as it relates to relationship… One example that came to mind was when I was a teenager and young adult I would often jump from relationship to relationship. Now, there was one exception for this; when I went to college, I was very focused on school, especially those first few years… And when I look back on it, it wasn’t as though I was consciously searching for relationship. In my experience, I’d seen like it just happened… But it wasn’t until much later did I actually take time to be still, if you will, and pause and ponder some of what was going on for me, and looking at my moves and my patterns in relationship… And it was a significant experience for me to do that deeper dive. It allowed me to uncover things that I wasn’t fully aware of, perhaps that I was unconscious to prior… And this significant time to do this deeper dive allowed me to get that clarity, do a level of healing work, and also really orient to (in a conscious way) what I wanted to develop in my relationship… And the next relationship was my husband. I do feel that this time really helped me move forward in a different way.

Why is it hard for us to create this opportunity for stillness? And as I mentioned, there’s several reasons why it’s difficult, and what lends to that… And there’s a few more things that I think complicate this that I just wanna name. That is that some of us associate alone time with a sense of punishment or being forced to be alone. And that also might even relate to the FOMO (fear of missing out) that we feel like we’re either not included, or not invited, and it’s this, again, contrast to connection that conversely it’s lack of connection, rather than the choice of “I’m staying home, and I wanna stay home.” Or perhaps being invited to go somewhere and making the choice to stay home and do something in solitude. The nurturing the individual space, and that contentment and that sense of peace.

Another thing that I think trips this up a little bit is how we may be perceived. If we go to the movies or a restaurant by ourselves, and how that might appear. Do we not have friends, are we not likable? And the identity around that. “Am I a loner?”, and that type of thing.

Again, we might ignore certain cues or certain longings to have that quality downtime because of how it might be perceived from others.

I actually have a client who really craves having downtime, and she doesn’t see any of her friends, or her boyfriend, or her family having that same need, and so she thinks actually something’s wrong with her… That she wants this alone time, but it’s hard to ask for it, because she doesn’t wanna seem weird or the oddball.

Another thing that can make spending time alone tricky is any negative past experiences. If we grew up in an environment where, again, this emotional connection wasn’t solid or was not secure, children often internalize that pain, and interpret that lack of connection as something is wrong with them, that they’re the problem. So being alone could be really closely-tied to that pain.

Another thing that can make spending alone time challenging is if we haven’t done it a lot, and we’re used to filling in the spaces through picking up the phone, and having TV on, or  the music on, or calling a friend, or having just a lot of people around all the time. There’s a lot of stimulus always happening, so to really get in a place of stillness is foreign and uncommon, and can be uncomfortable.

Several months ago a client mentioned a New York Times article, “Why you should find time to be alone with yourself” by Micaela Marini Higgs. In this article it’s stated “Our aversion to being alone can be quite drastic. A quarter of the women and two thirds of the men in a University of Virginia study chose to subject themselves to an electric shock rather than doing nothing and spending time alone with their thoughts.”

It’s interesting, because in this recent time of the quarantine and self-isolation I have heard people describe the difficulty of getting alone time, and it makes sense, because again, if we’re living in closer quarters with our loved on, family, it can feel as though those natural times of getting alone time aren’t built in… So it does take a little more concerted effort.

And I can tell you that my husband and I had a little bit of this happening for us in the early stages of being quarantined, in that he was now working from home when he typically would have been going to the office Monday through Friday… Where I typically work from home; I do have a few clients in town, but as most of you know, I do work mostly virtually, and have clients all over the nation, as well as internationally. So it was interesting for us to be in such close quarters all the time.

I think in week two I started to realize that he, nor I were initiating alone time… Where previously the way that we would get alone time would be built into our schedule. As I mentioned, he would be going to work and had a slight commute – not anything extensive, but he would be gone, so during lunch hour, any breaks that I would take, I would have that alone time. And then for my husband, he would have some evenings or some time on the weekends, whether or not I was playing volleyball or hanging out with a friend, or had some activity that I was engaged in, he would have that built-in alone time.

I noticed there would be times where he seemed a little agitated or  anxious, and when he would go do something independently, whether or not he was going working out in the back patio, or going for a walk, or I actually intentionally love to go for a walk, that he would be in a much better space.

And similarly for me, I think the thing I noticed was that I would be a little irritable or a little spacey even, as just, again, getting lost in thought… So if I took that intentional time to do some yoga, or just sit with my thoughts, or read, or go for a walk, that it really helped me be much more present to him when I had had that alone time. So it’s almost as if that alone time allowed me to be in better connection with him, because I don’t think it’s sustainable to be on all the time.

In the same article, “Why you should find time to be alone with yourself” Micaela Marini Higgs is quoting Dr. Coplan, and she’s saying “Despite the social stigma and apprehension about spending time alone, it’s something our bodies crave. Similar to how loneliness describes being alone and wanting company, aloneliness can be described as a natural desire for solitude”, says Dr. Coplan. Since we’re not used to labeling that feeling, it can easily be confused for and fed into other feelings, like anxiety, exhaustion, stress, especially since we might not know that the time alone is what we need to make ourselves feel better. And again, she is referencing Dr. Coplan, and I’ll make sure to have the link to this article on today’s show notes.

I’ve been reading the book Together, by the former Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy. I’m gonna be talking a lot more about this as we’re gonna do a second part to this conversation… And he was recently interviewed by Brené Brown on her podcast, and someone recently sent that episode to me, and I’ll make sure to put that on today’s show notes as well if you’re interested in checking that out. I think it’s a great conversation.

He’s talking about the quality of our connection with others starts with the connection with ourselves… And that when we approach relationship from a connection with ourselves, we are more present, we’re much more able to listen and be curious, from a grounded and centered place inside of ourselves, rather than being spun in reaction, or anxiety, or fear, or preoccupation, or whatever else is going on. So we’re much more available, again, to be relating in real connection.

And this has been my experience… When I have taken time to recharge, or have stillness, that my heart feels more open. I feel more myself, I feel more in my body. I’m much more present and available to my spouse. I also feel a sense of energy and positivity in engaging. I’m leaning into that connection.

Again, in the article “Why you should find time to be alone with yourself” by Micaela Marini Higgs she’s giving us some perspective on some of the benefits, which might be surprising, but maybe not… That if we are taking time to be alone with that sense of peace and contentment, so solitude – not feeling lonely, but enjoying that time of not having to report to anybody, nobody needs us, and we can really let our guard down and just be present and recharge and refuel. She’s pointing out that alone time benefits our social relationships; it improves our creativity and our confidence. I know that if I don’t give myself space, I’m not gonna have an opportunity to hear my intuition, or get a creative idea, because I’m filling in the space already so much by being with other people, or watching TV, or whatever it is that I’m doing and engaged in; if I don’t give myself space, I’m not gonna connect with those aspects.

Similarly, another benefit she’s laying out is when we take alone time, we have more opportunity to regulate our emotions, so that we can better deal with adverse situations. Now, we’re all dealing with the Covid-19 and the stress around that, and so we may be feeling emotion, and if we don’t take time to turn towards that, we’re not gonna have the ability to regulate it as skillfully.

I know for myself, if I am feeling agitated or uncomfortable or anxious or whatever I’m experiencing, if I don’t turn towards that and explore that, then it’s likely that I’ll be more reactive, or not even be able to show up for what it is that I really need if I haven’t done a deeper look into what’s going on. Again, I’m not gonna be able to regulate that and I’m not gonna be able to organize it and show up and take action around it.

Dr. Vivek Murthy points out two important benefits for taking time to connect with ourselves. One is we are more likely to understand our worth and our value. If we spend time with ourselves, we can know ourselves better and we can be more empowered to express what’s authentic with others. We come from a place of value.

The second thing is being more grounded. There’s so much noise going on, and particularly right now, when we’re in fear – it can create this frenetic energy, and when things are really chaotic, it can be hard to find our center. So when we are able to take this alone time, it’s much more likely that we’re gonna ground and feel that center point, and possibly feel more at peace.

I realize for some of us – and myself included – that this isn’t always on the top of my mind. It’s not always in the forefront of  my mind that this is helpful. So if we’re contemplating the benefit of alone time, I wanna encourage you to just approach this in a way that feels enjoyable, and that if you’re looking for suggestions, you can check out the article that I’ve mentioned today, and they give you a couple tips to consider if this is a newer thing for you.

And I wanna say, one of the things that I enjoy is just turning off my phone, turning off any outside distractions, and either getting into nature, going for a walk, or even simply sitting in stillness. I do like to contemplate and think, so that works for me.

Other ideas are to journal, or perhaps do something artistic or creative, or to meditate. There are a lot of guided meditation apps that help in this relaxation, more stillness process. Now, some of them are very guided, and so you can essentially let someone else guide you and then perhaps not be as connected to what’s going on for yourself. So I do invite just some space for you to feel you, in whatever activity that you’re choosing.

In today’s episode we are focusing on alone time. As we’re exploring “alone together”, the other part of this is the sense of connection with others. In next week’s episode I’m gonna be talking about loneliness and the connection with others. I hope you’ll check that out.

If you’d like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the episodes listed there.

Until next time, I hope you take great care.

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