Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 216, “What to know about loneliness and relationship.” This is a second part to the episode that I published last week. If you missed that episode, I encourage you to check it out. I was talking about how to deal with being alone together, really responding to the hashtag #alonetogether, and looking at the relationship of being-alone loneliness, which we’re gonna talk a lot more about today… And also the sense of peace and connection with ourselves, and really where that lies is often in a choice of choosing to have quality alone time, in the solitude.
A book that I’ve been reading and referencing by Dr. Vivek Murthy, who’s a former surgeon general, he says “Solitude can feel a bit daunting, even scary, since it allows both positive and negative thoughts and emotions to surface. The space where we confront our demons is not always a space we enter willingly.” And as you know, part of what I am addressing here is often what many of us are faced with in being quarantined and dealing with the Covid-19. He continues to say “But it’s in the grappling that we work with issues, gain clarity about our feelings, and build comfort with ourselves. Developing comfort with solitude then is an essential part of strengthening our connection to ourselves, and by extension, enabling our connection with others.”
Solitude, paradoxically, protects against loneliness. Much what he’s talking about here is the willingness to confront some of those difficult feelings, which is something we talk a lot about on the Empowered Relationship podcast, in that some of these challenges that we feel internally in relationship, or that we experience with our significant other can be curriculum for our development, if we are willing and if we choose to treat it as such.
Before we continue in today’s conversation, I wanna take a moment of pause, and acknowledge that we are all going through various situations and circumstances… Not only in life, but in relationship. Again, the conversations that happen on this show are intended to support you, so that you can feel more equipped, more skillful, and have more strategies and resources to use and implement. And again, it doesn’t take away the pain, it doesn’t take away the discomfort, but perhaps it can lead towards a breakthrough, transformation or development, or all of the above. And that is my goal, and that is my wish, to support you in deepening your connection with yourself, as well as deepening the quality of connection in your intimate relationship, and also other relationships… Because I do believe these principles translate to any relationship.
If it feels appropriate, I wanna encourage you to take a moment of pause with yourself… Perhaps taking a breath in acknowledgment of where you are at in this current moment. Not only in your life and circumstance, but in your relationship, or relationships, depending on, again, what your relationship status is. And also, what’s in your heart, what you long for. Whether or not you are in relationship or not, typically we have a yearning. Something that we’re wanting to cultivate or develop, just to bring a moment of recognition for that, and the honoring of that… And hopefully, in today’s conversation there’s something that will support you in furthering that contemplation, or practice… And if you notice there’s certain things that you’re grappling with and needing extra support, you can always visit DrJessicaHiggins.com There you can find the Contact page, the ways to reach me, and also how to submit a question for the Empowered Relationship podcast, as I want you to feel supported, particularly during this time.
If you know that you are looking for other support information and tips, you can also see other podcasts that are listed under the podcast page, as well as articles. I do have several free gifts to offer you, as well as opportunity for coaching. If you know you wanna go deeper and get more one-on-one support, you can click on the Work With Me tab and you can learn more about that there. Again, at DrJessicaHiggins.com
Let’s get started in today’s episode. Again, this is the second part to a two-part, wherein the last episode, episode 215, we really explored the idea of solitude and the connection with yourself. Today we’re talking about loneliness and how we feel connected to others, or don’t feel connected to others. So they’re equally important.
Loneliness – and I’m gonna be referencing Dr. Vivek Murthy’s book “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World”, and I’ll make sure to put the link to this book on today’s show notes, so you can get it if you would like. I highly recommend it. I’ll also be posting a podcast show that I created years ago on how to deal with being lonely in relationship. I’ll also put a few other podcasts that relate to this topic on the show notes; so again, if you’re looking for a little more support, you can find those resources on the show notes page. Again, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and you can find today’s episode, 216.
So Dr. Vivek Murthy talks about loneliness and the way that it appears in literature and research is the gap, the discrepancy between the connections that you want and long for, and the ones you actually have… Whereas isolation is really objective by the number of people that you have contact with… Whereas loneliness is a subjective experience. Again, it’s how we frame what should or shouldn’t be, compared to what we’re experiencing as it relates to connections with others.
One of the short examples he gave in his book, which I thought was really relatable, was if he were to go to a coffee shop in the middle of the day and work on a project – perhaps on his laptop, or reading a book, or what have you… And he’s working alone, and he’s rather enjoying himself; however, he describes the environment as many other people also working alone, and that it feels rather comfortable. He compared that to going to a fine dining restaurant on a Saturday night, where there are groups of people… And that if he were to go solo, he would feel rather uncomfortable and perhaps very lonely, as he observes and looks around the room, and all these various groups of people having a great time interacting, laughing, smiling and enjoying each other’s company – that would be a lonely experience.
There are many things that inform our perception, expectations… And I’m not gonna be able to get to everything today, but there are some points that I wanna make. In regards to expectations, Dr. Murthy does talk about the influence of culture, and perhaps our family and community and friends… And he used the example that if we live perhaps in an area that promotes family, marriage, by a certain age, that we may feel more lonely if we’re not partnered, if we’re not in a marriage, particularly if all of our friends are married and we are the only ones not married. That would be probably a painful, lonely feeling. However, if we live in a community that there is no expectation of being partnered or married, and all of our friends are single, and there is lots of opportunity for bonding and connecting, we may not feel so bad about not being partnered or married.
It’s interesting, as I have been reading this book and contemplating loneliness, I’ve been recognizing the different areas where people are greatly impacted… And I had been thinking about my grandmother. I was talking to my mother on Sunday night, and I was asking “Is grandma lonely?” and my mom replied, “No. Not at all.” It’s interesting, because she’s in a facility, and she does suffer from significant dementia, and therefore she has very little short-term memory… And she has five children, one of which lives local, and with his spouse and two children. Typically, he’s rather involved and engaged with her.
Recently, there’s been a great limitation around that, as there are no visitors allowed… So I was really wondering how she is doing; is she lonely? …just really thinking about the circumstances of it. Again, my mother was like “No, not at all. She has her routines, and she has the shows that she likes, and she very much is fond of the staff, and she is very content and comfortable.”
And while I would not want this to be her circumstance, and I do not believe that this is optimal for her, it does sound like she is content, and is not in a great deal of suffering in regards to loneliness.
Dr. Murthy identifies the three dimensions of loneliness, and this does come out of the research. There are three types of relationships that we all need to thrive. The first is intimate or emotional loneliness. This is the longing for a close confidant, or intimate partner where there’s a deep, mutual bond, affection and trust.
The second is relational, or social. This is the longing for quality friendships, social companionship and support. And the third is collective loneliness – the hunger for the network or community who share a sense of purpose and interest. Again, we need all three of these to thrive.
Dr. Murthy talks about the lack of relationship in any of these dimensions can contribute to us feeling lonely, which can explain why we might have a very supportive marriage, and yet still feel lonely for friends and community.
In last week’s episode I posted a podcast that was hosted by Dr. Brené Brown, and she was talking about how she has the experience of feeling lonely, even though she’s around people that love her and that she loves dearly.
Yesterday I was meeting with a couple, and unfortunately the wife in the couple has some significant health issues, and she’s really working to build her immune system and really get back to a more solid, healthy place. And they’ve had to move within the last year or so, and her husband, in his temperament, and being more of an extrovert, has really enjoyed having companionship and community, and his interests, and all the things that he likes to be engaged with. He’s done a lot of volunteer work in his life, and lots of different activities that he loves to be engaged with.
Well, given his wife’s challenges, even before being quarantined, he was prioritizing his focus on his wife. And while there’s beauty in that, she described feeling really guilty, knowing that he is not his happiest, he is not his most fulfilled because he is lacking these connections… And it’s, again, particularly pronounced in this current time, and they’re being extremely careful to protect her to any exposure, so that she’s not compromised any further.
As I look at loneliness, it’s interesting – my husband and I have had some conflict and emotional processing over the last 4-5 days, and the way that I process is I believe on the spectrum I’m a little more extroverted than I am introverted, and typically, extroverts can process out loud, and they get a lot of value out of speaking and dialoguing with others.
Now, introverts also get value out of that, but typically, an introvert may want to be with it, sit with it, feel it out and kind of go inward with the topics or the discussion that’s been had, so that they can really find their way, digest it, get to a sense of clarity, and then they’re much more able to move forward.
So there is some sense of disconnect that I feel when I’m ready to reconnect or feel a sense of bonding and repair, and my husband is still in process. I noticed that when we’re in this dance together, I do feel a sense of loneliness, because he is definitely my closest person. He’s my best friends, he’s my husband, he’s all of it. So when we’re at odds or I don’t feel that connection, I notice the loneliness. And as we’re describing loneliness to be a subjective term, if I have the expectation that we need to feel all the warm, connected, fuzzy feelings right away, and he’s not ready, there’s a big disconnect, with me longing for that connection, and it’s not available.
And believe me, over the last 15 years I have grown a lot in understanding his process and how to honor that, as well as honoring my process. I’m grateful that I do have a network of friends, and I do have other connections… That reminds me – there is a podcast interview that I did years ago, and I’ll make sure to post that on today’s show notes… She was talking about the importance of brotherhood and sisterhood, and that there’s so much that we ask our couples in modern-day society, and that really we are best served when we have a network…
As I was just describing – we have a community of shared interests and purpose, as well as our companionship and friendships; those nurture our intimate bonds. And I’m talking about this in terms of couplehood. I wanna acknowledge that the intimate connection may be fulfilled by a best friend or a family member, someone that we have, again, that mutual bond, affection and trust, that intimacy.
Dr. Murthy says loneliness can feel like being stranded, abandoned, or cut off from people with whom you belong, even if you’re surrounded by other people. What’s missing when you’re lonely is the feeling of closeness, trust, and the affection of genuine friends, loved ones, and community.
In the very early stages, where he would want some time to himself to really go inward – and there could be even a gender aspect of this, of going into the man cave, so to speak, to really get the clarity… And again, if you’ve been listening to my show in the last few weeks, I’ve really had a couple great episodes about men and emotional intelligence; so if you’re interested in that, I want to invite you to check that out, and I’ll put those in today’s show notes as well.
However, as I go back in time, when he would turn away, it would bring up a lot of my attachment insecurities, and it did feel like it triggered those fears of abandonment. And again, as I’ve mentioned in the beginning of this show, I do feel like that was curriculum for my development and my healing. At the same time, as we’re talking about loneliness, it doesn’t take away from that pain. When we long for the connection and we’re not experiencing it, it can feel very lonely.
Dr. Murthy talked about how oftentimes people don’t even know that they feel lonely… And honestly, I don’t know that I would have used the word “lonely” back when I was longing for that connection with my husband, after a conflict or a disagreement. He described meeting with people and talking with people about their experience, and it wasn’t until he prompted, or that loneliness was named, that people started to identify and recognize their own feelings of loneliness. And he did talk about the shame that exists, particularly for professionals in careers like law and medicine that really promote the self-reliance.
He writes “Others didn’t even realize that loneliness was what they were feeling. But once one person in the room broke the ice by naming loneliness, I’d see hands go up with more stories to share – men, women, children, highly-trained professionals, tradespeople, minimum wage earners… No group, no matter how educated, wealthy or accomplished seemed to be exempt.”
Unfortunately, this can be a vicious cycle, in that if someone’s feeling shame about being lonely, that can actually interfere with our ability to reach out. This is further complicated by our tendency to withdraw when we are feeling lonely. And to take this even further, when somebody’s had a difficult environment growing up and they weren’t validated, emotionally attuned with, and didn’t have that sense of security and safety in connection, then what they’re often battling with this repetitive disconnect and loneliness is sometimes, especially a child – I’ve talked to a client who experienced this; and developmentally, a child is often gonna internalize the disconnect. “Something’s wrong with me. I’m flawed. I’m not lovable.” And then when a child goes through life, and perhaps they have some difficult social interactions, or feel bullied, or don’t feel like they belong in high school, and then you progress this further, it can really whittle away at somebody’s sense of self-worth and value.
I have another client that has been struggling with loneliness and being quarantined alone, and he’s taking it very seriously, and he’s very aware of all the research and the stats around the Covid-19, and he’s taking every precaution possible… And yet, he’s alone in his quarantine, and he’s had a bit of stress in his life with his circumstances, and he’s been describing how difficult it is to even pick up the phone, with even people he knows love him, and he has a good connection with and he’ll likely feel better after connecting with them. He’s like “It’s like paralysis. I just feel shut down, and it’s so hard, and I just wanna go back to bed.”
This is a man that is very active, and commutes by a road bike, and cycles on the weekend, and he does a number of physical activities. He does have friends, and he is a high-level professional in his industry. He’s describing this last Saturday he just was like “I was a mess.” So we talked about loneliness, we talked about connection, and we talked about being able to schedule ahead of time, because he knows that there’s moments, particularly right now with the stress that he’s under, that a scheduled call, or having something on the book or on the calendar would be really helpful… So he doesn’t have to bridge the gap, or he doesn’t have to initiate the call. And perhaps even to tell his friends that it would be nice if they don’t hear from him, for them to check in on him; or the ones that he’s not in super-great contact, like “Hey, I would love a little more support in these upcoming weeks. I’ve been through the wringer and I would just love to feel your support.”
In the book Together, again, by Dr. Vivek Murthy, he reminds us that connection is as essential as food and water. He writes “All of this research would seem to confirm that our drive to connect is one of our most important survival instincts. It’s in our relationships that we find the emotional sustenance and power we need in order to thrive. So strong is the instinct that when we move away from connection, it induces genuine pain. And pain’s role in our survival serves to remind us to pay attention to its source, so we can address it.”
In the book Together, Dr. Murthy lays out compelling evidence and research to support that loneliness impacts our health significantly; more than obesity, more than even 15 cigarettes a day, and that it contributes to serious illness. It reduces the quality of sleep, it lowers our immune system… And that’s just to name a few items. Again, if you wanna read more about this, again, I encourage you to check out the book.
There are a few other notes that I wanna share with you today, and one is how loneliness interacts with mental health issues. A woman shares he story, again, in the book Together, by Dr. Vivek Murthy. She shares about her experience of feeling lonely and also having experiences with depression and anxiety. And she says “Being lonely can lead to mental health issues, and also mental health issues can make you more susceptible to loneliness. It’s very hard to understand yourself when you’re dealing with depression and anxiety, let alone to let someone else in to try and understand it.
When I struggle with my mental health, I can push people away for fear of judgment, or just not wanting to be honest about it. That has led to losing friends, which then sort of perpetuated the feeling of loneliness.
Loneliness can also impact someone’s recovery from any substance or addiction or alcohol issues, because loneliness is one of the root contributors to addiction and violence. So as we look at recovery, social connection is an essential part of that process.
Dr. Guy Winch, the author of Emotional First Aid shared an illustration of his client who came into therapy thinking he was depressed, but in fact he was feeling disconnected from his spouse. When the man was able to re-engage with his spouse, the depression lifted. It was really about the loneliness, not about the depression.
In cases like this, Guy said, “I will work with them intensively on connecting, either with their spouse, in a way that they haven’t been connecting, or maybe connecting them with an old friend in a way that’s substantial. On the other hand, Guy told me he often sees people who are very depressed, yet also very connected. They have spouses who love them, and until they were depressed, they were very clear about that connection. Now that they’re depressed, they feel shut off and removed from them. But once the depression lifts, they feel more connected again.”
Gender can impact the way we experience loneliness. I believe the research is that both men and women experience equal levels of loneliness, it’s just the way that it’s experienced is different. One note about men – they’re less likely to admit that they’re lonely.
As noted in two recent podcast episodes around men and emotional intelligence, it was really acknowledged that lot of men have the experience that their emotional world wasn’t really supported. And that if anything, they were asked to be tough, suck it up, don’t cry, and there wasn’t a lot of space to feel a full range of feelings. So it’s not a surprise that research is showing that men are less likely that women to admit a vulnerable feeling like loneliness.
Recently I had a client reach out for support, and he and his wife are currently separated. They have two small children. This is one of the things that he is up against; part of the repair and the healing process will require him to access his more vulnerable emotions. And part of what he’s experiencing too is being separated from his children, from his wife and his support system. And this is incredibly challenging, as he is battling the pain of the separation and the threat of losing his marriage, being separated, being lonely, and he’s got other things that are complicating this as well…
And then engaging in the therapeutic process and accessing some of these vulnerable feelings goes against all of the messages he received growing up, and then also a lot of ways society has reinforced his strength and his willpower to success and achieve high marks in different areas of his life. This is asking him to really access something that has been very vulnerable, and I do believe that this will be transformational and a real key to developing new patterns that they can restore their marriage.
And the wife in this couple has struggled with some of the things that women are challenged with as it relates to loneliness. [unintelligible 00:29:16.28] says “The more puzzling aspects of women’s psychology, the tendency for women to become selfless and voiceless in relationship, to care for others by diminishing themselves, to use their gifts for empathy and relationship, to cover up their own feelings and thoughts, and to begin not to know what they want and know. This nurturing role can make women a powerful force for building connections and weaving our social fabric… Yet, when relationships falter or fail, girls and women tend to blame themselves. The resulting shame and loneliness are even more acute when women have blurred their sense of self in service of those relationships.”
My heart also goes out to the wife in this couple, as she is struggling to manage her upset around lack of self-respect and integrity, and that she’s allowed herself to engage in patterns where her voice is not heard, her wishes are not honored, her needs are not met. And she wants to engage with her husband, but she doesn’t trust that the path will allow for that win/win. As you can see, this is a difficult, painful process, and as I mentioned, I do believe that they can do this work.
There’s a beautiful chapter, “A family of families”, and there’s some guidance around how to teach and work with children and developing connection, as well as emotional fitness. One of the things that’s offered is a program that was launched in 2005 by the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. It’s called RULER. The acronym stands for five key skills. I’ll share them here, because I do think they’re just powerful regardless.
R stands for Recognizing emotions. By interpreting other people’s facial expressions, body language and vocal tones, and one’s own physiology and cognition. U stands for Understanding emotions, including the causes, consequences, and the influences of different emotions on thinking, learning, decisions and behavior. L stands for Labeling emotions, with a vocabulary to describe the full range of emotions. E stands for Expressing emotions aptly, with different people, and in multiple contexts. R stands for Regulating emotions with helpful strategies to promote personal growth, build relationships, achieve greater well-being and attain goals. Again, if you’re interested in learning more about that, you can check out the book Together, by Dr. Vivek Murthy.
In closing, Dr. Murthy says “We all have a deep and abiding need to be seen for who we are, as fully-dimensional, complex and vulnerable human beings. We all need to know that we matter, and that we are loved. These are the deep-seated needs that secure relationships satisfy. And when they are met, we tend to live healthier, more productive, and more rewarding lives. When they go unmet, we suffer.”
Again, as discussed in episode 115, the connection to ourselves and the quality of that connection does support the quality of connection with others. If you missed that episode, I encourage you to check it out. Again, it’s episode 215; you can find that episode on today’s show notes, as well as other links mentioned.
During this very unique time, and whatever circumstance you’re in and conditions you’re experiencing, I just wanna invite you to be gentle with yourself, be gentle with others, and perhaps as you’re contemplating loneliness, as well as the importance of connection with ourselves and others, perhaps you can take some steps to nurture those bonds. And if, again, you need any support, please feel free to reach out. Again, DrJessicaHiggins.com. You can click on Work With Me and there you’ll find a free strategy session if you’re interested in getting coaching, one-on-one support to do a deeper dive and transforming some of your patterns. Or perhaps you wanna submit a question for the Empowered Relationship podcast; you can do that on the Contact page, and you can find a little more about how to do that there.
Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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