Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 220, “How to reconnect emotionally with your significant other.” In today’s episode I’m responding to a listener’s question from a few weeks ago… But before we get started, I wanna invite you to just take a deep breath with me. Just bringing in a focus to turning towards this conversation of relationship.
Perhaps you want to touch in or connect with something that matters to you in this moment in time… Perhaps setting an intention, or just recognizing something that you’re seeking. And as you do this, I wanna just clarify and hold the intention of the Empowered Relationship podcast, and that is the conversations, the tips, tools, resources shared on this show are intended to support you in navigating long-term intimacy more skillfully and more mindfully and more intentionally… And really, my ultimate desire and goal is for you to feel better equipped, more prepared in this journey. Because in my own experience entering into intimacy and feeling very perplexed at all that was involved, I really felt myself being ill-equipped… And just how little is available in the way of modeling, or even in popular culture around these relational principles. Now, I do believe the consciousness is shifting around this; I know there’s a lot of other people advocating for this work, and I’m grateful for that.
The larger goal is that we are cultivating happy, secure, long-lasting relationship, and that we experience both our individual growth, as well as that relational growth… And it does take a level of willingness and intention and investment. My hope is that I can support this process in the way of the podcast, or if you’re interested in going deeper and getting coaching, individual or couples support, as well as different curriculum that I have available… And that can all be found on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast to find any of the episodes listed there. The most recent episodes are at the top; and again, today’s episode is 220, “How to reconnect emotionally with your significant other.”
Let’s get started in today’s episode. Again, I’m responding to a listener’s question. He writes:
“I’ve been separated from my wife since September. And with me being an emergency responder, it’s been tough on me emotionally and mentally not being with my family full-time through these challenging times. I get along well with my wife. Yes, we are still married, and she’s seeing positive changes in me, as well as I am noticing them in her. I just don’t quite know how to break into the emotional discussions to open her back up.”
And then he goes on to share some of his efforts and what he’s really been focusing on. He says:
“I’ve used more boundaries with her. I listened to her a large portion of the relationship. I do not swear in front of her, I follow through with my word and what I tell her I will do. I support her by teaching our two children (four and six) that we take care of mom and support each other regardless of the circumstances.”
And he continues to say:
“I’d like to hear something on opening someone back up who’s shut down emotionally.”
Now, when I read this question, there’s so much I wanna respond to… I just wanna also bring some context to the typical process of separation and love. And I don’t mean even the physical separation, because we can be technically together, and even living in the same home, and sharing a bed, and still feel very alone in the relationship. And as I’ve quoted in the past, traditionally – or at least now, statiscally, women are the main initiators of divorce, and largely it’s because of that lack of emotional intimacy.
Now, in this person’s question he’s speaking about really wanting to engage her more emotionally. At the same time, I don’t know what’s happened to get them to this place where they’re in separation, so I can only speculate, but I do wanna just give some context here… Because there’s a lot that we’re learning in research and how our primary bonds in adulthood mimic the very important, early stages of attachment in childhood… So in Love Sense, by Dr. Susan Johnson, she’s talking about how critical it is for us to be aware that we similarly to children need to feel that readily accessible, responsive love with another to feel secure in our bond. And she talks about when we don’t feel that sense of security and we don’t know that our partner is there, or that they’re going to be responding to us, or that they’re even available, then we typically go through four steps. And the first is anger and protest. She writes:
“A little four-year-old girl Sarah demands “Don’t go away, mommy. You come here!” Grown-up 32-year-old Sarah attacks her husband saying “Do you really have to go see your mother, Peter? Just when I’m so overwhelmed with the kids. You’re always working. You never talk to me. You’re just selfish. Sometimes I think you don’t need me at all.”
In adult relationships the overt anger can make it hard for a partner to hear the very real, underlying anguish. What the partner hears is the criticism and hostility, and the reaction is often to turn away in self-protection.
The next step is clinging and seeking. Little Sarah might say “I want you to pick me up. I don’t want to play. I wanna stay here in your lap.” An adult Sarah tells her husband “I have asked you to come home early 1,000 times, but right now you’re not even listening to me… You say you love me, but you never hold me. I want you to hold me”, and then she cries.
If he responds coldly – “Well, you have a funny way of asking for it. You’re always angry with me. Who can listen to that all the time?” Her misery deepens.
The third step is marked by depression and despair. Adult Sarah at this point may flip into rage and threaten to leave her husband in an attempt to get him to respond to her… Or she may withdraw into a sense of helplessness, the main symptom of depression. In either case, people at this stage like Sarah are beginning to let go of their longing for connection and move into grieving.
And the final step is detachment. In this stage, a person, whether child or adult, accepts that the relationship is not going to fulfill his or her longings, stops investing in it and decides just to let it die. In 30 years of practice I’ve never seen anyone come back from detachment.
Dr. Susan Johnson goes on to write “We must not underestimate the naked force of separation distress. It is wired into our brain by thousands of years of evolution.” A little later she describes “In a positive relationship, one in which partners have some level of mutual, secure connection, this sequence of events can be halted early on. If Sarah and Peter are just going through a rough patch, the process of step one will work. Sarah might say “Peter, I know I’m being very critical of you these days. I don’t mean to be. I know you’re under a lot of pressure at work, but I’m pretty lonely. I feel scared about us. Where is our closeness? Don’t you miss it? I do. I need you to turn to me, even if it’s just for a moment or two each day, so that I know I matter to you. Is that possible, please?”
To send this kind of protest message, Sarah has to first tamp down her anger, and then clearly state her fears and needs. If Peter hears her and responds with comfort and support, then they can quickly heal their rift.”
A quick plug – if you’re noticing criticism in your dynamic with your significant other, I wanna encourage you to access a free guide, “Shifting criticism into connected communication”, which can be found on today’s show notes. Again, today’s episode is 220, “How to reconnect with your significant other.” And again, these show notes can be found on DrJessicaHiggins.com, and then click on Podcast and you can find all of the episodes there.
It can be incredibly helpful to get support, particularly when patterns are escalating to an extent where people are feeling helpless, or are starting to detach. Dr. Susan Johnson talks about it’s so important for couples to understand the science of attachment and also how we are grasping survival significance in a love relationship. She’s saying “We help them see all the moves that are triggered in their dance of disconnection. We slow down the steps that are taking them into separation and pushing them into panic, and we help them come together to halt this destructive sequence. But to repair a bond and shape a safe haven relationship, we have to do more than simply stop creating distance. We have to do what securely attached diads do naturally. We have to learn to turn towards each other and reveal our fears and longings.”
I share this not to cause concern or to evoke fear, but to be honest around often what is at play within us in regards to the attachment system. Largely, what I want to offer you on these episodes is inspiration, is hope, is positive tools, and I also wanna give, as I said, context to some of what is at play. So this is important, and this is so critical to listen to these calls and to get help if you need help.
In regards to this listener, I have several tips and suggestions that I wanna share, and I also wanna acknowledge that the listener – he is doing a tremendous amount to really show up and really listen to perhaps the complaints or the concerns and address those. And really, he’s identifying the need to connect emotionally. One of the first suggestions I want to bring into the conversation is the idea of balance… Because typically, when both partners are avoiding emotional content is they’re trying to prevent a fight, an argument, or some level of escalation, and perhaps not trusting the safety of that emotional intimacy.
So one strategy is to really go slow, and again, recognizing that if both people – or one person even is feeling really hesitant to do that, it’s likely scary.
One strategy to address going slow is not even bring the emotional conversation towards the relationship, but to talk about emotions in general. Start to introduce questions, “How are you emotionally? What’s going well for you? What’s hard for you right now?” So these inquiries into emotional realms that might not be specific to the relationship can start to build some level of safety in talking about emotions.
The other important note here is maintaining connection with your own emotional state. I think so often stereotypically men are trying to be the rock, trying to be the solid ground, and that’s typically a big ask, because every person is human and wired up with these attachment needs and emotions as well… So we can’t by-pass that emotion, and when we’re not attending to it, it’s easy for us to start getting overwhelmed or flooded. If you listen to the episode about stonewalling, John Gottman in his research found that 85% of people that stonewall are men, and oftentimes they’re flooded. So being able to hold our own emotional ground and taking care of ourselves… Because one of the anecdotes to stonewalling is really soothing, even taking that 20 minutes… And I think you can even do this while in relationship, if you’re on a walk, or you’re at the — you know, obviously not now at the playground, but as a family, if you’re outside in the backyard or whatever it is that you might be doing, perhaps it’s okay to just go slower and take some deep breaths and perhaps not continue to engage in the conversation, but just slow down and maybe come back to it when you find a little more footing, and feeling more regulated and calm.
The second suggestion I wanna offer is the idea of using your own self to create safety. And how we do that typically is some level of going first. As Dr. Susan Johnson is talking, revealing our fears or our deeper emotions… And that when one person does that, it tends to soften the space. When we talk about our primary emotions, that tends to invoke or encourage a leaning in, versus the secondary emotions, which tend to be anger, tend to be defensiveness, criticism… Whatever the things that we do; attacks, or even stonewalling – those are the secondary responses, and those typically push people away.
So if there’s a way that you can access – and you’re doing it by even asking this question… So one way, if I try on what you’re maybe feeling, just my imagination, is to really understand “I miss you. You mean so much to me, and I miss our connection. And it’s so hard right now not to feel close to you, not to feel close with the family, and our bond is so valuable to me. Perhaps even I wanna connect with you emotionally and I’m unsure if you want to.” Or “Are you open to connecting more emotionally?”
Yes, there’s a lot of vulnerability and yes, there’s a lot of transparency, and almost this idea of letting your guard down, or even laying down your armor to show the underbelly… And really listening. She might not respond initially; I wouldn’t expect this to be a magic wand, that this is gonna erase all the difficulty that got you guys into this position to begin with. There’s a reason why both of you perhaps are hesitant to enter into this emotional space together. So again, I wanna really reiterate number one, and that sense of balance to create the safety; this is what I’m talking about in this number two, but to reveal and show the underbelly is one way to start to take that real courageous risk first.
Number three – attunement. This is probably one of the most important aspects of connecting emotionally, which oftentimes we don’t have in our conscious awareness. We do this automatically, we’re wired up to do this, with the empathy and being able to read each other’s non-verbals, facial expressions, tone of voice, and words. We are constantly responding to each other with these cues. But at the same time, when we’re in this automatic, not being fully conscious, we have a filter and a meaning-making based on our experiences – culture, family, upbringing, you name it – and we perceive that in a particular way. And then also based on fears, worries, traumas, attachment systems… And what is found is that we’re often inaccurate in the way that we’re perceiving each other. Therefore, I want to bring attention to how we can make more space for attunement.
I cannot tell you how many times with my husband I have perceived him in a particular way, and I would tell you, I was pretty confident that he was feeling the way he was feeling, and we were misattuning. I was misreading him, or we were misreading each other, and we were misattuned, and we weren’t connected, because we weren’t in sync or we didn’t understand each other, and that’s why I think so many people one of their main issues that they identify in couplehood is communication. And I guess you could argue this is a form of communication, and at the same time, most of us stop when there’s that miscommunication; we’re frustrated, we’re not getting the response or we’re not getting the engagement or the understanding, and we’re at a loss around how to do that. We let go, or we go into these steps, like I read in the beginning, out of Love Sense, by Dr. Susan Johnson.
Attuning to your significant other often requires, again, that balance, that softened place, and the desire to attune, to understand, more than the desire to protect. Now, that does take a little bit of, again, making sure your system is regulated, so that you can pivot towards that. Because if you’re triggered, or anyone’s triggered, we cannot anyway access this attunement, because we’re activated we’re triggered, and our systems are wired up to protect ourselves and we’re just not gonna be able to do that.
We cannot override the nervous system, so that balance is really important, and going slow can really help this, especially when we’ve had a difficult history with someone around emotions. So if you have your footing, you’ve accessed some level of your deeper feelings and been willing to soften and let your guard down and have that heart to heart, and regardless, whatever she brings, accepting it; I know we’re crossing our fingers, and I can tell you, there’s so many times that I’ve held my breath in how my husband was gonna respond… Like, was he gonna engage or was he gonna put up a wall? And given the separation, it’s likely that she’s gonna still be pretty defended or not trust the space. And that’s okay.
So really what we wanna do is just tune into whatever’s real. You do not have to put forth a Herculean effort here at all. What I’m suggesting might feel enormous, and I get that, but this is not about being super-human. Whatever is real, accepting that… Even if she’s like “I don’t trust you, this doesn’t feel safe”, and she goes into all the things and all her reasonings, which might disregulate you, might trigger you and might feel like an attack… But if you can stay really connected to, and even if you can say “Hey, I just wanna chime in…” Because if she goes into the story and the narrative, that might lead you guys down a difficult path. But if you can not interrupt her, but redirect the conversation to “Hey, I know this has been hard, and it sounds like this feels really scary, or you don’t trust that this is safe…” and just allow her to feel that you get it, and accept it. Perhaps there might even be a place for you to share your fears.
As I was reading your question, I was recognizing if I were in your shoes, I’d be like “I’m afraid of getting it wrong. I’m afraid of initiating emotional intimacy and being pushed away by you. Or pushing you away. Or I’m afraid of losing you. I don’t even wanna bring up the subject, because I’m afraid you’re already gone.” It’s heart-wrenching.
But again, I just wanna invite you that you can see her, you do see her, and just to slow down and make space for seeing her and holding space for whatever is real emotionally. So if you can tune into the emotions and identify it.
In the same episode about stonewalling – and I’ll make sure to put the link to that episode on today’s show notes – I also cited a research study that was basically debunking the myth that women are more empathetic than men. In fact, men and women equally have the same capacity. The difference often lies in women having a little bit more language for it, just because they’ve had a lot of more experience. Mothers talk to their daughters a little more extensively about emotions. Women historically growing up have other girlfriends that they talk a lot about emotions, and there’s a lot more playing time, if you will, so there’s a lot more muscles built around articulating, naming and verbalizing emotions.
I do think that there can be even a question that can be held around the part of you that doesn’t trust, or the part of you that feels scared. What does that part need? Because oftentimes in partnerhood or in a marriage one partner will make their attempt to comfort, whether or not it’s through touch or through words of reassurance… But again, if we’re misattuned, it’s not gonna land, and then those efforts will either fall flat, or will be rejected, and then that doesn’t help build a repair.
Recently, in a couple session – I’ll just enter into that moment… The wife was really wanting to feel that her husband saw her effort, and was expressing a lot of fear and distrust; and he wanted to hold her, he wanted to offer words of reassurance, and she was just like “It’s not helping me at all.” So I posed that question, and asked her to really tune into that, and she said “I just want some acknowledgment from him or from you, that you see that I’m working, that you see that I’m trying, and that I’m not a jerk.”
So he was able to offer that in a genuine way, and she’s like “Oh, that helps a lot. That helps me feel way, way better”, and starts to feel more trusting of that space and engaging with him.
Several weeks ago I had a listener comment on the show notes page, and posted a video referencing the still face experiment. I believe I’ve mentioned this in previous podcasts; if you haven’t seen it, I’ll make sure to put the link on today’s show notes. It’s about a research experiment between a mother and a baby. When a mother stops responding to her baby, and the baby’s distress, and the steps, as I described in the beginning part of this episode. So I encourage you to watch the video if you have time. When I watched it — I think I first watched it in college, and my classmates and I just felt heart-wrenched at the baby’s response, and the mother not responding, and how that interaction played out.
I just wanna invite you to consider how there might be this attachment system working in our adult romantic relationships. I really want to remind us all that missatunement happens, disconnect happens even in the best of relationships. We’re just individuals operating, living life, and there’s no way that you can be absolutely attuned all the time. In fact, I think there’s a recent research study that shows a high percentage of the time (60^ to 80% of the time) we are missattuned, even in very secure, successful relationships. It’s just that we know how to repair it… And we do so as soon as possible. So in this still face experiment, it ends up being fine, because the mom then turns to the baby and is like “I’m here, it’s okay”, and we reach for and we repair.
This listener who commented on the show notes – she actually posted a video of Susan Johnson talking, and I really love the excerpt. She was talking about men, and how men are often taught that in relationship the importance is performing; they need to do tasks, they need to be good protectors and providers, and really take care of their wife and family. And she said “Men are often trying to be very good spouses by doing all kinds of tasks and giving advice even”, and she really invited men to consider that you don’t have to be perfect, or perform all the time in a relationship. You just have to be emotionally present. This has been my experience as well, that men put a lot of pressure on themselves, feeling that they have to work really hard or have the perfect response, and have to really be there for their wife, and then when their wife is really upset, it can feel paralyzing, and not knowing what to do.
In this talk, this video of Dr. Susan Johnson, she was sharing about a session, and the husband was in this position of feeling really overwhelmed, and that his wife was upset, and not knowing what to do. And in her guidance, she asked him, again, to slow down, and just create some space, and asked him “What do you see? How do you feel?” He responded like “She’s upset. I feel awful.” And Dr. Susan Johnson prompted, “Well, can you tell her that?” and he looked questioningly, like “Is that enough? She’s not gonna respond to that”, and yet took that risk and turned to his wife and said “I see you’re upset and I feel awful that you’re hurting. And I care. I care about your feelings, and I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want you to feel hurt.” And then the wife just [unintelligible 00:30:37.15] and felt like that’s exactly what she needed to hear.
If you see, in this example there’s no fix. Nothing’s really changed, other than that attunement. “I see you, I feel you, and I’m emotionally responding to you, and I’m here.” At the Gottman Institute, with doctors John and Julie Gottman, as well as other contributors, in an article they talked about what builds trust… And really, again, underscoring the importance of attunement, and that when one partner listens compassionately and non-defensively to another partner’s negative emotion… And they said the motto of high-trust couples seems to be “Baby, when you’re upset, the world stops, and I listen.” And that includes listening when a partner is the target of the upset; and granted, this is way more difficult… And yet, in successful relationships oftentimes that initial complaint, again, is a little more close to the underbelly, those primary emotions.
They’re saying in successful, happy, stable relationships a partner might say “I’m angry because you’re on your cell phone at dinner, and I miss you.” The response would tend to be something like “Okay, that makes sense. I’m listening. What do you need?” It’s important to acknowledge that in relationship both partners have moves, and we dance together; we create a pattern together. So in this listener’s question I guess the other thing I would invite is “Can you name where things have been problematic in the past?” And this is where some of the books like Love Sense, also Hold Me Tight, as well as books by Doctors John and Julie Gottman – I think a lot of their curriculum, which is evidence-based, and also really supports the attachment research… And a lot of times they’re looking at the findings of what gets people into trouble, and then what are the behaviors and the approaches that really create success. And a lot of times the work by Susan Johnson is looking at the attachment system and what’s all involved in that, so I think that these books are incredibly helpful resources, as well as Dr. Susan Johnson – and I’ll put the link on today’s show notes – has a Hold Me Tight online course, which I believe is discounted in this current Covid climate… And again, I’ll make sure to have that link on today’s show notes.
I wanna encourage you, again, just to 1) make sure you’re finding your footing, keeping your balance and going slow. 2) Revealing and softening as you show your deeper emotions, to invite that emotional intimacy. And 3) focus on attunement, not the answers. You do not have to have this all figured out; you do not need to be responsible to fixes, just the presencing of what do you see and what do you feel in response to that, and can you share just that layer?
And from here, typically, there is more of an opportunity to feel closer, feel drawn in and more connected, and then hopefully you can build on this. Again, I wanna encourage that this doesn’t have to be in one fell swoop. This doesn’t have to be a 180. We can progressively build and deepen… And hopefully build a new bridge and something that you guys can feel safety in, trust in, and open to experience that deeper level of emotional safety and intimacy. And again, if you need support – again, I would access some of the resources that I’ve mentioned, as well as getting support by a professional.
And again, if anybody is interested in getting my support, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on the tab Work With Me, and you can learn more about that there. There’s also plenty of people that support attachment in their work, and helping couples develop healthier, more positive patterns.
Thank you for listening to today’s episode. Again, today’s episode is 220, “How to reconnect emotionally with your significant other.” You can find the show notes on DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast and you can find all the recent episodes at the top – episode 220, and then you’ll have all the links and show notes there. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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