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Welcome to The Empowered Relationship Podcast, helping you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and setting you up for relationship success. Your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach who shares valuable tips, tools and resources for you to dramatically improve your relationship.

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Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 231, “How to gain more acceptance and expression sexually, an interview with Stacie Ysidro.”

Before we get started, I wanna take a moment and just center with you. As we listen to the episodes on the Empowered Relationship Podcast, most of us are contemplating some aspect of relationship; perhaps feeling challenges, threatened or confused about how to navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy… Therefore, the conversations are all intended to offer support, tips, tools, resources for you to consider as you cultivate more happiness, more peace, authenticity, connection, love and intimacy with your significant other.

In addition to the episodes where I bring content to you based on what I’ve experienced with clients, whether or not it’s my training, education, how I continued to grow myself professionally, and what I feel people are asking for. I also include other voices, and I’ve definitely shifted this show to a lot more interviews and just supporting more voices, to support you in considering all the different tools, resources, research and different modalities, to support you in deepening your experience within yourself, as well as your significant other and cultivating that relationship.

As a reminder, I just wanna invite to, as you’re listening, notice what resonates, what fits for you in this current moment, and just leave the rest… Because I do have different reoccurring themes, and you can always revisit an episode if you’re interested… So just perhaps pay attention to what most applies to you and then just let go of the rest.

This is  a journey, as I’ve mentioned, and most of my guests mentioned that they are on this  path with us, and therefore this is just a continual uncovering and  developing process. I just wanna acknowledge that. If you would like access to more resources, as well as today’s show notes, you can visit  DrJessicaHiggins.com, click on Podcast, and there you can find all of the episodes. Again, today’s episode is 231, “How to gain more acceptance and expression sexually, an interview with Stacie Ysidro.” There you’ll also find free gifts, articles, other interviews that I’ve done on other people’s podcasts, as well as how to deepen in your experience, and there’s two ways to do that. One is through self-study and doing one of the courses that’s on the course page… And you can find that, again, in that top navigation bar. You can also explore the option of coaching, and you can find more about that on the Work With Me page, which again, can be found on that top navigation bar. And again, all of this on DrJessicaHiggins.com.

Stacie Ysidro is the founder of Holistic Progressions and is acknowledged by the World Association of Sex Coaches. Starting her career with business and life coaching in 2009, Stacie combined sexology education, somatic coaching and spirituality to create a unique transformational experience for her clients. Over the 10+ years of service in her industry, Stacie has helped thousands of clients create a sexually satisfying life in recovery, overcome sexual guilt and shame, learn the language of arousal and pleasure, and ignite passion in their relationships.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Stacie, thank you for joining us today.

Stacie Ysidro: Thank you for having me.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yeah, it’s a pleasure, and I love speaking to people who have done a deep dive in their own transformational work, so they can speak to — not so much on the other side, but having done an enormous amount themselves; this is such an important topic, around bringing consciousness and awareness into our sexual experience, and… Yeah, I just wanna help people get to know where you’re coming from and what got you into really studying this and supporting people in this way.

Stacie Ysidro: So… I always say my former life – I was a cosmetologist, and I was a salon owner and manager, and I started that career very young. I was 15 when I started cosmetology in high school, and I grew through that field until I was 30 and I left the salon. Along that journey, I started getting into business and life coaching, because I realized that what helped me along the way was more of the coaching aspects and how I felt about myself; it wasn’t necessarily how to do a great haircut. It was my relationships with people, and my relationships with myself that helped me to be successful. And when I decided to step into coaching full-time, I had gone through a deep-dive around topics, and niche, and exploring myself, and themes in my life, and I noticed that what was appearing was things around spirituality and sexuality. So that led me off on this whole other journey into sex coaching.

I got some certifications around that, and I’ve also had some experience with a lot of tantra, BDSM, sexology, the erotic blueprints… And in my own personal life, one of my biggest challenges had to do with substance use and abuse. So getting into recovery and stepping into a space of living life without seeking things outside of myself, I found a really great need to focus on how people can navigate sexuality without having to use drugs or alcohol to feel comfortable.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Yes. I mean, I even have had clients that are married and recognize that their experience sexually is way different when there’s a glass of wine, or having had a few different drinks that support that, to be a little more less inhibited.

Stacie Ysidro: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, a lot of times for me I’ve found that sexuality – it wasn’t always really conscious and honoring. It was more unspoken and unconscious. And a lot of times, especially when I was younger, it was used more for manipulation and control, and it was about feeling needed and seeking validation, and people-pleasing others through sex. And once I started to recognize that and learned to step away from it, it opened up this whole new experience around sexuality to where today it’s conscious and it is spoken, coming from a place of empowerment and no judgment. Just being free of shame and guilt, and stepping into full self-expression… And I’m really passionate about helping people do the same.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: And for people that are listening that probably understand what you’re saying on an intellectual level, can you help people maybe start to relate to other examples where people are operating from less consciousness, or maybe out of maybe some of these  manipulation or other tactics? What does that look like? Can you give us some more examples? You gave us some good examples around maybe what you noticed in yourself. How about any others?

Stacie Ysidro: Yeah. So a lot of times, my clients tend to have a lot of fear around their full self-expression as far as what they like and what they don’t like. They sometimes don’t even know what they like, because they’re so focused on pleasing their partner that they have kind of shut down what’s really pleasurable to them. So starting to figure out “Who am I as a sexual being?” And a lot of times there’s shame and guilt involved there, whether it’s from social or cultural or family or religious programming. So helping people to start to let go of some of those old programs and old scripts that are running in their head, that are no longer serving them.

A lot of times, people will say they feel like they’re two separate people, or there’s two sides to them, and so being able to integrate those aspects into your whole being, and fully accept yourself has been a really powerful experience.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: And I’m just even noticing that identifying and having the awareness around maybe not being fully conscious, that that’s a whole process in and of itself. I have clients talk to me about “Well, you don’t really talk about sex”, or “I’m so focused on pleasing”, like you said, “…that I’m not even connected to my internal desire.” Can you help people — I know I’m digging a little bit here, but how does this manifest, when somebody’s maybe not connected to their fuller expression, or haven’t examined the messages that they’ve received. Can you give any other examples around how this manifests? Is it like sexless marriage, is it entering into the same routines of having sex in the same way? Anything else that you can help…

Stacie Ysidro: Sure. A lot of people have — it shows up as social anxiety, or anxiety around sex, which will cause people to reach towards substances to try to drown that out, which in turn becomes very unconscious. There’s a lot of people that experience, like you were saying, just going through the motions and not really being fully present. There’s a lot of getting stuck in your head around “Oh, I’m supposed to do this, and they’re supposed to do that”, or it could even show up as “Oh, I didn’t do the laundry” or “This room is a mess.” So the mind will start to show up and take us out of that experience.

So yeah, getting stuck in your head, not being able to feel pleasure in your body, or really be conscious and present. It shows up like that.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: I wonder, Stacie, do you even think to busyness as a form of addiction, if you will, in that it takes us out of being present? I just find in modern day society, and how busy and how much everyone has on their plates, it can feel difficult to carve out sacred space to really connect with themselves first, and then to be open to sharing that energy with their significant other?

Stacie Ysidro: Absolutely. I think that busy is an illusion and it’s an excuse. Yes, everyone has a lot of things going on in their life, but we prioritize what’s important to us, and a lot of us have not been taught that we are wired for pleasure, and that it’s our divine right to experience pleasure and intimacy and connection with ourselves and our partners. So they never prioritize it, and often – especially women – are shamed around sexual expression. So there’s a lot of attitudes and ideas and beliefs around sexuality that are not necessarily true. And when we’re operating on those false belief systems, we don’t prioritize our pleasure. We shut down who we are as a sexual being, and don’t wanna talk about it, and don’t wanna share that.

I’ve also found that some people get so wrapped up, especially men, in pleasing their partner. They think that this is some performance, or something that they have to do to someone else, when the reality is that no one can  make you do anything. If I wanna have an orgasm, then I will. But no one can make me. It’s me being in that space of accepting pleasure and allowing myself to go into pleasure, allowing someone to facilitate that for me is really what’s going on. So yeah, a lot of times men are told they’re defined by their sexuality and their sexual prowess, so they really have an over-importance on the end result, and thinking that it’s their responsibility to do something to their partner, when it’s a harmful misconception and it just leads to more disconnection and unsatisfaction.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: As we’re talking, I’m just feeling a heaviness in how much pain — I mean, the cultural messages, or the lack of (I don’t even know if this is a term) pro-sexual… Like that there’s health in the…

Stacie Ysidro: Sex-positive.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Sex-positive, thank you. That we’re exposed to a lot of those messages, and then even body image, and like you said, all the gender stuff that gets informed… Do you find that people — there’s a lot of healing as we start to be aware of what maybe we’ve been unconscious to or reacting to, or coping with?

Stacie Ysidro: Yeah, for sure. There’s absolutely healing involved, and some people are not only healing just from unconscious programming, they’re actually healing from trauma, as well. So it could be a really massive trauma, or it could just be the trauma of experiences over and over of our lifetime, where we felt like we’re not enough.

So yeah, the journey to full sexual self-expression and sexual self-acceptance – it’s like the deepest, most powerful way that you can step into personal growth and development. It’s like that final frontier of personal growth and development. It’s through sexuality.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: And you mentioned a few different places that you’ve studied, and I imagine there is a support in either the lineage of teaching and understanding, or even community if you will, of similar values, or prioritizing the space for this. For maybe the – I don’t know if it’s fair to say “average person”, but perhaps doesn’t have that level of support, I know maybe doing coaching or engaging in someone to help facilitate that would be one step, or reading would be another… Is there anything that you recommend, or how you might invite somebody into exploring this as a couple steps?

Stacie Ysidro: Absolutely. Coaching is a really powerful way to step into this journey. There’s one on one coaching, there’s group coaching… Sometimes people aren’t quite ready for a group experience, so I find that I do a lot of one-on-one work. There’s many different sex-positive communities to get involved in, whether it’s Facebook groups or meetups, or online forums and communities…

One that I’m part of is the Erotic Blueprint community. I’ve been working with Jaiya, who’s the founder of the Erotic Blueprints. She’s a world-renowned sexologist and speaks for Tony Robbins, and I know that you had her partner Ian on here a few episodes ago; if people wanna listen to that as well, that would be great. But they have a whole community around people that are going on this journey where you can connect and share experiences and talk about your challenges and your discoveries along the way. It’s really non-judgmental and accepting.

So there are communities out there for support, and one thing that I’ve learned is that a lot of this world tells us we have to go it alone.  Or that if you reach out for help, there’s something wrong with you. You should be able to do this alone. But that’s not the truth. It takes the village, it takes a sense of community, it takes being witnessed, and also witnessing others to step into your full self. Seeing other people have success – it gives hope that you too can have success and go on that journey with empowerment, and just be okay with not being okay. Some things are really uncomfortable, and when we have the support of a community, it helps us navigate those feelings and come into acceptance of what is, rather than trying to block it out or deny it or by-pass it.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Right. I do agree with you that we so often find value in other people’s stories, or even being able to experience someone’s process that we resonate with, and I think there’s so much power in that. So I love that you endorse the community and the support and the guidance that’s offered in that. Are there things that you recommend on a show like this, or tips or tools that you would help someone as a listener begin to encounter this work?

Stacie Ysidro: Absolutely. Some of the things that have helped me is I had to start defining or redefining what does sex even mean to me. In my coaching I talk about it as a sexual value system. And what that means is going through and discovering what does sex mean to me? What did I learn about sex from culture, or family, or religious experiences? What did I learn from my experience? And starting to define what’s true for me today. What is sex for? Is it for relaxation, or connection, or control, or pleasure? So starting to uncover some of those basic ideas around what is sex for, when is it okay, who is it okay with?

Another one that has really helped me to — and that’s like a really kind of mental realm to be in, is starting to understand the values, the attitudes and ideas and beliefs around sex… So I think that’s kind of a first step, to start examining some of those and see what’s working for you and what’s not, so you have a chance to shift what’s not working.

Another thing that really helped me to get out of my head and step into my body is practicing breathing techniques and meditation, and yoga. I’m not one to sit still very much; I’m a very active person, so I totally identify with people that are like “I cannot meditate and sit still for five minutes, let alone 30 seconds.” So I’ve actually done a lot of stuff like dancing, or physical exercise. I’ve been a bodybuilder for over five years and done lots of competitions, so for me, weightlifting and exercising, that is my zen space, where I can clear my head and connect with what’s going on in my body. I’m really into walking meditations. So finding a way to start to connect with your body, whether it’s through stillness or through activity, is really important… And it also helps you move energy. Emotions are energy and motion in your body, so when we find ways to start to move that energy and move through emotion, we can get to the other side of it. So that’s really helpful, finding some type of physical practice to connect with your body and your breathing.

The other thing that was a really big shift for me was the Erotic Blueprints. I became an Erotic Blueprint coach a few years ago, and have been mentoring with Jaiya and Ian for the past few years, and that really helped me to start to discover my sexual self, and how I like to give and receive pleasure. It also helped me understand the way other people give and receive pleasure, and helped to remove a lot of the shame and guilt and judgment around sexual pleasure and sexual experience. It also started giving me a language to be able to communicate what was going on with me and what my needs were and what my desires were… Actually, to the point to where I kind of say part of my story is going from having a wall up and not wanting to get vulnerable, and being in a lot of fear around my safety, fear of getting my feelings hurt, or not being safe… And doing these three things and going through this process, I’ve really been able to release a lot of that fear, and I’ve been able to communicate my needs and desires to the point to where I’m not afraid to get vulnerable anymore. I stop judging my emotions as like being good or bad, and just learning how to share them, to the point to where I’ve been able to find a partner who we’re truly in alignment with each other. And without me going on this journey, that wouldn’t have been possible, because I would have had that wall up and operating unconsciously.

So for me, being able to step into myself fully, I have allowed someone else the space to show up as themselves fully. In that way, we can decide if we’re a good fit for each other. So it’s this sense of deep connection with myself and others. Yeah, those are three things that really helped me to  step into this space of acceptance and full self-expression.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love the vulnerability piece, thank you for sharing that… Because you know, I just find even with people that are able to emotionally do the vulnerability work, the sexuality – like you said, it could be this last frontier almost, in that we are literally not only physically naked, but there’s a stripping down, and even with our most intimate partner, it can still feel like so much can either guard it, or tender and vulnerable, and fears, and so being willing to bring consciousness to that – it sounds like it just opens up (in my own experience, too) a whole other level of relating, and I know that to be true in other… Especially, I spend a lot of my work around helping people in their emotional dynamics and relationship, but the sexual intimacy and what’s available there is profound.

Stacie Ysidro: Yeah, and what I’ve found is most people — we’re really all the same; it doesn’t matter what gender you are, sexual identity, we all want to be loved and accepted for who we are… And we have fear of rejection, and fear of not being accepted. And when we can accept ourselves and speak into that… You know, I wanna share something with you, but I’m experiencing fear right now. My chest feels tight, I feel like I’m gonna puke… But this is really important to me to share this and open up this conversation, so I’m gonna do it anyways. So sometimes even just calling out, like — that’s my thing, I feel like I’m gonna puke. [laughs] I’m gonna vomit right now, I feel so like “Aaargh!” But just saying that, it gives me a space to then say “Alright, that’s what’s going on with me, and this is what’s showing up.” And then to have that conversation. And I’ve found that when I get vulnerable, then it gives someone else space to be vulnerable. It’s not about rejection, it’s about acceptance, it’s about “Is this person in alignment with me?”, not “Are they going to accept me or not?”

Dr. Jessica Higgins: And I wonder too in that vulnerability how they’re able to meet me in that, because a lot of people who are perhaps single and contemplating “Do I need to do a level of work before I enter into relationship, or can I do work in relationship?” and I think both are true. And you know, when you were speaking earlier about just traumas, I’ve known my own work has been incredibly important for me to have a  level of foundation to then enter into the kind of quality of relationship that I wanted to develop with my now-husband. But I can tell you as I’ve opened up to these vulnerable places sexually with my husband, what’s emerged that was I think in my tissue, in  my body, that I didn’t even know, and how he was able to hold that space, and what gets created out of that is just tremendous. So I think — I don’t know if you would agree, but it feels like examining our values around sexuality, but also being willing to take those risks… Talk about like “I feel like I’m gonna throw up” or whatever it might be, and then also what gets created in partnership.

Stacie Ysidro: Absolutely, because we can do our own work and get to a certain point, but our relationships with others show us part of ourselves that a lot of times we don’t really see. And that’s one thing that I noticed. I’m great when I’m by myself. I love me some me. [laughter] I’m cool with me, I’m great with me. But as soon as I have to start taking into consideration maybe someone else’s feelings, or spending my time with someone, or sharing myself with someone – that’s when I start seeing the reflection of different fears and parts of me that I don’t get shown when I’m by myself.

So I definitely believe that being in relationship with someone, especially on that deep of a level, it gives us opportunities to grow and transform spiritually and emotionally, on such a deep level. We can do a lot on our own, but it’s really when we get into relationship with others that we start getting into some really deep work. And I definitely think there’s something to be said to where wherever you’re at, you’re gonna start to attract that. I often work with  people that are like “Oh, I’m attracting these sick people, or these negative people, or there’s something wrong with everyone”, and I’m like “Well, let’s examine – what are they mirroring back to you? What part of yourself is showing up in them, that can be worked on and healed, so that you stop getting shown that over and over again?” And once we start healing those things and growing ourselves, then we start finding people that are more in alignment with who we really are, and people that are a better fit for us, that are willing to go on that journey.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: yes, and just to add to that – maybe for myself, recognizing the tendencies or the moves I make, that I maybe wouldn’t be aware of if I wasn’t in relationship. I just think so much of what you said is so true, and that’s really largely what the podcast is supporting people – it’s to look at what gets brought up in relationship is that opportunity for growth, or our curriculum, if you will, for developing.

I’m curious, just going back to your second point about being more embodied – I had a guest on years ago, Serena Stone, and she comes from the Taoist perspective, and I think the philosophy there is that our sexual center or sexual energy is intrinsically linked with our level of vitality and life force… And just when you were talking about being more embodied, I recognize inside myself I feel way more sexual when I’m connected to my body and my breath. That is me. And then I get to share it with my husband… But I’m just curious what you think about that.

Stacie Ysidro: Yes, a lot of my tantra and sacred sexuality experience is absolutely from that Taoist perspective. We believe that sexual, that orgasmic energy – that is the life force energy that flows through us, and makes us alive. We can experience that energy in different ways and in different parts of our lives… Like in a creative hobby, or something that you really enjoy doing, but that sexual, orgasmic energy is the most powerful and intense download of that energy that we can experience. It’s like a connection to something that is greater than us, and allows us to merge with the divine, or the Universe, or however you wanna frame it… And really connects on such a deep level with another person. So yes, I am of that school of thought…

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Great. Well, for people listening, I wonder, Stacie, if you would have anything to offer that maybe someone who is caught in the busyness of life, or just for whatever the reason is or the excuse is, is having difficulty cultivating, carving out, prioritizing the space for sexual connection and intimacy. Is there anything that you offer your clients to start to pivot towards making that more of a priority? Especially — it’s that classic thing, where there’s such a myth or stereotype about couples who have been in long-term relationship, and feeling maybe the novelty or the excitement or the newness and all the dopamine that gets activated in that is not as charged as a new relationship… So sometimes there is some intentionality that might be helpful, and I’m just curious if you have anything to say in that regard.

Stacie Ysidro: Sure, yeah. Sexless marriages and relationships – that’s a huge thing, and I just want to acknowledge that that is a thing. It is a big hurdle to overcome, and my perspective on that is, you know, we’re sexual beings, and we go through different stages and phases of sexual expression and development throughout our lifetime… And especially in long-term relationships, we can’t expect what worked five years ago or ten years ago to work for us today. So take some personal responsibility and start to examine “Why is this not a priority for me. What’s going on with that?” And then what do you ideally want? If you could have it any way and time, and money, and distance, and taking out the trash was not an issue, what would your ideal sexual weekend look like, sexual indulgence day? And start to see what is that, what would that look like for me? And then start to open up conversations with your partner around that. “Is this a priority for us? Why is this important to us?”

Because a lot of times what people say they want on the surface – it’s not really want they want. They’ll start out by saying “Well, we’re in a sexless marriage and we want to have sex more.” Okay, great. What will that bring you that’s even deeper? “Well, you know, we’ll spend more time together.” Okay, great, so what does that bring you that’s even deeper? “Well, we’ll have a deeper connection, and we’ll be more intimate.” And what does that bring you that’s even deeper? “Well, more fulfillment, more joy in our lives, and a feeling of freedom.”

So it’s about peeling back those layers. So kind of go through and keep asking yourself that question over and over again, “Why is this important? What do you want? Why is this important?” And eventually, the deeper you go, the more will be revealed. And even stuff about “What do you love about your partner?” Hell, what do you love about yourself? You can put that in all different ways. But once we really start diving into that, it could start off with “Oh, he’s a great provider, he’s my best friend”, or “She’s great with the kids. She’s a great homemaker.” And then you start getting into deeper stuff – the compassion, the loving, the kindness, the fulfillment, and bringing out the best in me…” So yeah, the deeper you go, the more is revealed.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: Well, I love that you’re able to speak to what is possible, as well as really have the empathy for where people get stuck, and just the invitation to lean in and turn towards a lot of this… Because in my experience, there’s just so much healing… And in my work with others, and myself, and what we get culturally, and in our families… And like you said, the religion, you name it. This is such an important part of our vitality and well-being, and just the health and the sex-positive.

Thank you for the work  you’re doing. How do people get in touch with what you’re doing and what you’re teaching?

Stacie Ysidro: My email is [email protected], and my website is also holisticprogressions.com. You can find me on Instagram @sexcoach_stacie. I also have a Facebook group called Sober Intimacy, where people can post and share about experiences that they’re having navigating sexuality without the use of drugs or alcohol, in a sex-positive way… So that’s another thing that I have. But I would just simply invite people that feel called to send me an email and share where you’re at, and how I can be of service. We can schedule a discovery call, and we really go through and start to clarify what are your goals, what do you want, and what’s holding you back, and how can we get you to where you wanna be? And that’s exciting.

Dr. Jessica Higgins: I love it. Well, thank you so much for joining the conversation today, Stacie. It was a pleasure to have you on the show, and I will make sure to have those links on today’s show notes.

Stacie Ysidro: Awesome. I appreciate you, and I thank you so much for having me and allowing me to share and be of service.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s interview, again, with Stacie Ysidro. I loved that she’s supporting us to dismantle expectations, beliefs, thoughts and ideas that we have that perhaps interfere with accepting ourselves and expressing ourselves more authentically, particularly as it relates to our sexuality, as well as some very practical tools to connect and to support our vitality, and that supports our sexuality.

Again, if you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com click on Podcast, and there you can find all the episodes. Again, today’s episode is 231, “How to gain more acceptance and expression sexually, an interview with Stacie Ysidro.”

Thank you for listening, and until next time, I hope you take great care.

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