Hi, thank you for joining today’s podcast episode. Today’s episode is 234, “How to deal with fears of intimacy, part two.” If you missed part one, I encourage you to check that out; that’s episode 233, “How to deal with fears of intimacy, part one.” In that episode I talk about how common it is for us to have fears of intimacy, fears of being close, and the ways that we distance and the ways that we push away from that closeness to feel protected. And that when we enter into a love relationship, we long for that and we’re excited by that, and at the same time we may notice fears, pain… That might surprise us, because what happens is we’re bringing to the surface to consciousness perhaps previous pain or fear that’s being evoked by that close love connection.
Some of the ways that we might distance ourselves, just to name a few – and again, I wanna encourage you to check that first episode out, 233, to get a little bit more discussion around this… But being overly critical of your partner; perhaps not enjoying affection, withholding affection or retreating from it. Or perhaps being caught in perfectionism, or over-work and busyness. Again, check out episode 233 to hear more about the ways that we distance, as well as the first three fears of intimacy that I’m listing, out of eight.
The first three, just to shortly recap, again, are fear of exposure and rejection – we don’t wanna expose parts of ourselves that we are uncertain as to whether or not they’re acceptable or lovable. And one of the recommendations around that is to just gain more relational experience, practice revealing… And the bonus of that is experiencing more intimacy, as well as that acceptance.
Number two, fear of angry attacks – this is, again, if we’ve known people to get loud, or be angry, and perhaps not have it be really named or worked with; it can feel overwhelming… So one of the things that we wanna do about that is to help educate our significant other that we will respond better perhaps with a lesser degree of intensity. Like, I’m gonna be able to hear you better if you come to me sooner, rather than it reaching that boiling point. Or I have a hard time hearing you when it’s so loud, or there’s so much anger. I feel myself getting tense and defensive/protective and I lose track of what you’re really trying to get me to understand.
And number three, fear of abandonment. This is fear of loss, fear of betrayal, and just fear of losing the connection. One of the things that we wanna encourage around that is recognizing the impermanence of life, as well as our individual value. We had value before the relationship, and we will continue to have value.
And one of the things that I mentioned in episode 233 is how Brené Brown talks about the fear of our lovability. I’ve found a little blog on her website that I’ll just read briefly for you. This is from Brené Brown’s book “Rising strong”:
“The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity, and creativity. Lovability – many of my research participants who had gone through a painful breakup or divorce, been betrayed by a partner or experienced a distant or uncaring relationship with a parent or family member, spoke about responding to their pain with a story about being unlovable. A narrative questioning if they’re worthy of being loved. This may be the most dangerous conspiracy theory of all.” On a side note, this is what she’s saying, that when we make up stories and we don’t have all the information, this is what conspiracy theorists do, and so that’s why she’s referencing that term, “conspiracy theory.”
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 13 years, it’s this – just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable. I love that, and I’ll make sure to put the link to that blog excerpt, as well as the book “Rising Strong” on today’s show notes.
You can find today’s show notes on DrJessicaHiggins.com. There at the top navigation bar you can see Podcast, and if you click there, you’ll find all the episodes. Again, today’s episode is 234, “How to deal with fears of intimacy, part two.” You’ll also find part one there listed as well. That’s episode 233.
Before we get started in the remaining fears and what to do about them, I just wanna take a moment and to center with you, as you tune into this episode, just acknowledging what’s alive in you in this moment, what’s present for you, particularly as it relates to relationship. So much of what we experience in relationship is an opportunity, and perhaps a mirror, teaching us what’s next for our development. And the intention for this podcast is to support you in that endeavor, navigating the long-term terrain of long-lasting intimacy with the intention that as we improve our capacity, we also improve the capacity for our relationship, deeper levels of intimacy, a sense of authenticity, aliveness, vitality, happiness, harmony, flow, love – all of it. And the confidence, knowing that if we experience a hardship or a bump in the road, that we know that we will get through it, that we trust that we have a way to rely on each other, even when times get tough.
On the website, DrJessicaHiggins.com you will also find articles, other interviews on other podcasts, as well as book recommendations, courses for you to engage in, to go deeper with, as well as how to engage into coaching. You can find the tab Work With Me to learn more about that there. Again, DrJessicaHiggins.com
The fourth fear – and again, these first six were identified by Elaine Hatfield, a social psychologist that did a lot of research on love and intimacy… And the second two are listed by Elaine Aron in the book “The highly sensitive person in love”, and I’m also referencing quotes from her about the other six fears.
Number four, the fear of loss of control. In Elaine Aron’s book she’s referencing “Have you ever been tickled as a child, or tossed into the air? While it’s fun for a while, there maybe come a point where it’s over-stimulating, or it’s too much.” She writes “The control of stimulation, not too little, not too much, is vital to every living being.” As I mentioned in the first part, episode 233, I mentioned and noted that if we’ve experienced pain in any of these areas when we were young, it’s likely that we were gonna re-experience it in adulthood. And again, the goal is to bring this to consciousness and to do something to work with the fears, rather than avoid them.
Elaine Aron is commenting that if we’ve experienced this sensation of too much arousal, too much stimulation in infancy or early childhood, that we can actually in adulthood have a very strong primitive fear, which again, is often unconscious, but dread of this too much bodily stimulation in the presence of another.
One way to manage over-stimulation with another, as we learn, is to set boundaries. We might do this in very subtle cues, whether or not it’s shutting our eyes, or perhaps turning away, or saying “No, thank you”. There are different ways that we can establish those parameters.
Elaine Aron also writes “Falling in love, however, is about being tossed in the air by someone bigger than us, that has us in its grip. It’s about breaching that boundary a little bit.”
She talks about in a research study that couples typically over time start to lose track of whose traits is whose. They adapt and identify with their partner’s traits and vice-versa. And so this boundary – she calls it “me not me” boundary – has slipped a little bit. To have it go completely would mean a psychotic break, a confusion about whether images are happening inside or outside, or the voices are our own thoughts or the words of another. But a true psychotic break is rare, just because we all carry some small, healthy terror of it that causes us to avoid a total loss of boundaries. She also talks about this is something people crave at times, whether or not it’s going to festivals, or partaking in substances that alter our consciousness.
She mentions that these experiences temporarily lift the social taboos, so that people can experience that sense of creative flow. She writes:
“One of the gentlest ways to break down the “me not me” barrier is by being intimate. Being merged with another for a little while.”
I have a couple that I’ve worked with for a while, and the husband has really been advocating for emotional engagement, particularly when they have conflict, or perhaps when his feelings are hurt. He’s had a very difficult time engaging her, so that she will respond to him and be empathetic, and show generosity and being willing to help. And what’s been happening, as she’s been feeling really resistant and creating a lot of barriers and distancing, to going to that process. And she’s talked about it feeling like it sacrifices her sense of self. And as we’ve gotten in touch with more about what’s going on for her, it’s become so clear that she’s overwhelmed; she describes white-knuckling it, approaching these conversations.
So before they even begin to discuss the issue, she’s already bracing for what feels so potentially over-stimulating, and to this point feeling like it’s over-arousing her… So we’ve been really working with this, because the goal is really for her to feel safe, and to be in that optimal zone of arousal… So perhaps her husband needs to turn down the volume a little bit so she can hear him and thus respond… And as they get some traction, we’ll build some safety in these conversations, which hopefully will help her feel more confident in that he’s not out to overwhelm her, or overly stimulate her in negative ways.
In Susan Johnson’s book “Love Sense” I believe towards the end of the book she’s talking about where with a mother and a child, and they’re playing together; perhaps playing pick-a-boo. And if the mother is really attuned, as the game progresses and it perhaps escalates, she might get a little louder, she might go a little faster… And the baby at one point might turn away. And so if she keeps going, the baby will probably get a little more distressed, or more distant, or more pushing away from the play. But if she can attune to the baby and slow down and soften, the baby soon returns to the mother with his/her eye contact, and then if she slowly reengages the baby, they’re at it again, and they’re playing again.
So it’s that staying in connection, in the game, and in the bond, and listening to each other. A lot of what Susan Johnson’s talking about is the cues that we send, the signals that we send. We wanna send clear signals, so that our partner can respond accurately. And then if we can continue to find each other and find our balance, not only individually but also in our connection, that’s optimal. But part of the trick that we’re talking about with these fears of intimacy is so often we’re experiencing some level of pain, distress, fear internally, but we’re not bringing that to the relationship, because we think that our partner or the relationship is the source. And so again, we wanna bring some of this fear to consciousness, so we can work with it and have a different experience in relationship.
Elaine Aron writes “Being free to soften your boundaries when you would like to requires a well-developed relationship with your unconscious, and with your partner.”
And with the couple that I was just mentioning, I believe the wife in the relationship identifies as being highly sensitive, and she said so much of her life she’s managing overwhelm, and so so often she wants to turn away from her internal emotional experience because it can be too much sometimes… And perhaps she hasn’t necessarily found a lot of great tools to help her regulate that. So what she often describes is “I don’t even know how I feel half the time. I’m trying to not go there.” So if we’ve had painful experiences in the past and we’re not wanting to deal with them, then possibly it’s happening in the unconscious/subconscious, and then it’s having its play in our relationships, but we’re not fully aware of the origins.
Elaine Aron says “Work with your partner on your need to feel more in control. For example, take time-outs, even from pleasant over-arousal. Explain whatever intimacies are too much for you, right now or generally. Like surprise hugs from behind. Looking into each other’s eyes, or each other’s naked body, or long kisses, or long love-making, or long intimate talks. Be gently honest and clear that this does not mean you love your partner less. Indeed, it may attest to your lover’s overwhelming intensity, and it is certainly true that all people have preferences, all people need to stay in an optimal level of arousal.
Number five – fear of one’s attack and destroy impulses. Elaine Aron writes:
“Especially when we first fall in love, I think something in us hopes to become whole through our love. Love feels whole, energizing and integrating all parts of us. But wholeness would also mean integrating any repressed split-off anger and destructiveness.
So the first time we feel an aggressive, destructive or sadistic impulse, a natural part of whole love toward our loved one in an argument, a passionate moment or a fantasy, we may panic. Unconsciously, we back off from the intimacy to be sure we do not hurt our loved one with the full energy of our repressed impulses.
As I’m reading this, it reminds me of the episode I did on stonewalling, and I’ll make sure to put that link on today’s show notes… And one of the things that happens for people when they’re stonewalling is they’re overwhelmed, they’re over-aroused with an intense emotion, and they also typically don’t wanna say anything hurtful or do anything hurtful. And 80% of people who stonewall are men, at least from John Gottman’s research. And one of the things I’m thinking about right now is so often how men in sports and in sometimes families, anger is the appropriate emotion. That’s the acceptable emotion… Whereas sadness, fear, shame, some of the more vulnerable emotions are often seen as weaknesses. So when we enter into relationship and we might have some of this previous pain being evoked with this attack and destroy impulse, even as I say this, I’m recognizing stereotypically with the testosterone and the goal of winning, and even as we look at sports, and football, there is this mentality of attack and destroy; obviously in a not cause harm, but within the parameters of the game. And even Elaine Aron here is really giving space that the impulse in and of itself there’s nothing wrong with; we just wanna be conscious of it, so that we can name it before it gets destructive. We don’t want to see any of these impulses be destructive to someone or something.
Elaine Aron writes “When you feel murderous due to pure frustration or irritation, remember that you can express anger before it seems overwhelming, or figure out why you can’t.” A little later she writes “If you fear that a destructive, aggressive instinct is built into you, its presence does not mean you must act on it in the first form of it. It takes an imagination. Owning up to that side of you however can lead to its integration, making it even less likely to be acted out unconsciously, and freeing you to use that instinct in useful ways. Owning up to it, to your partner, and accepting those instincts in each other may paradoxically lead to greater love, respect, energy and intimacy because of the integrity, such as integration brings.
This is a little bit similar to what I was describing in the last episode through the work of Gay and Katy Hendricks, and speaking the microscopic truth, or the difficult truth; the things that we typically withhold. Because when we withhold, we stop that flow of intimacy and revealing and authenticity, and sometimes our authentic truth in that moment, as far as I’m afraid, or whatever it is, might seem painful or unlovable, but often it’s the very thing that helps us be seen and have our partner really see us.
Anger can be a tricky emotion to acknowledge and make space for in relationship. This can be particularly true when we’ve known the volatility and the toxicity of destructive experiences as it relates to anger… And one approach is to go to the other end of the spectrum, and almost on some level subconsciously/unconsciously make an agreement that I’m not gonna go there. I’m not gonna really address anger, I’m not gonna engage in anger as an emotion with my significant other, because I’m preventing any of that volatility or toxicity to happen. So it’s like this preventative measure. But what ends up happening is potentially that repressed anger.
I’ve had clients talk to me about living their life and being the person that does the right thing, and doesn’t do anything wrong… And what they describe to me sometimes is feeling envious, or even jealous of people that can live more freely, or perhaps not be so overly responsible in do-gooding. So if we look at this choice, it can be exhausting to always try to do the right thing, versus really being in connection with what is real, and how to work with that more constructively. Again, we’re looking at not disowning parts of ourselves, but how to acknowledge and integrate it so that it doesn’t become overwhelming and damaging.
Elaine Aron says “Once you explore it (referring to the anger), you will find it’s not infinite, nor is it utterly lacking in purpose or value.”
If you’ve listened to my show in the past, talking about anger – and I’ll make sure to put that on today’s show notes as well; that was an episode very early on in the show – really looking at often emotions indicate certain information to us. There’s also a two-parter that I did about difficult emotions, and I’ll make sure to put that on today’s show notes as well. But anger in and of itself is not bad. It’s how we deal with it that can be destructive or can be constructive.
Number six, fear of being engulfed. This is like being consumed, or the fear of losing one’s identity, or being absorbed by someone else’s needs or pain, or having our care and compassion being taken advantage of. And again, Elaine Aron is referencing highly sensitive people that tend to be a little more attuned and aware of other people’s needs. But again, she’s referencing this is one of the six common fears.
Under fear of being engulfed, Elaine Aron writes:
“Fortunately, your psyche will not tolerate the suppression of your individuality for long. Indeed, as with the fear of the loss of control, the fear of engulfment may be the strongest if your individuality, security and self-esteem are weak. You sense that you would readily sacrifice these under the pressure to please others, and perhaps in a moment of love. But what you seek – and fear does not exist – is real love. The kind that would not wish for such sacrifices from you.”
As I mentioned in the last episode, 233, there’s a podcast I published about the two conflicting needs in relationship, and that is the need for separateness and autonomy, in comparison to closeness and intimacy. So our need varies… Perhaps how much intimacy we want, or how much autonomy we want in any given moment or day, and also the speed of which we might want those. So we might want a lot of it, or we might want a little bit of it, but we might wanna go back and forth more frequently, like have some alone time, and then closeness, and then alone time, and then closeness, where other people can sustain being together and all day and all evening. So it’s really important to look at those preferences and those needs.
Because if we put the pressure on ourselves to be available at all times to our significant other, it’s likely gonna lead to resentment or doing things in indirect ways. We’re not being very clear, and we might even surprise ourselves with an impulse or an action that we take.
Recently, I started working with a young engaged couple, and they have so much love for each other, and they’re really looking at up-leveling their dynamic, particularly when they have a moment of tension. Perhaps seeing things a little differently, or approaching things a little differently. And she tends to be a little more active and able to articulate herself and be comfortable asserting her experience or her preferences, where for him it’s perhaps still a process in getting in touch with what is true for him, and being able to articulate that, and also being able to engage at the pace in which he’s looking to engage. He might want to take a little more time, where for her – she’s a little more quick about it.
In our last session they were working with a conflict that they had had in that last week, and it was a really big deal for both of them. And what it illuminated was he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be dutiful, to show up, to do what is the responsible thing and to do what the right thing is… Versus really looking at perhaps what he was needing. And what he was needing was a little more alone time, to perhaps adjust.
They’re newly moved in together, and they’re transitioning and adjusting to so many things as they begin to merge their life together… So it makes sense that he would need a little time and space to process. And yet, he was having a really difficult time with that being okay. And what he was confronted with was the conflict, and how to repair that. So it came out in a way that he didn’t feel great about, because they had had a miscommunication, and she felt really hurt… And she was expressing a lot of sadness, because she really does want to support his needs and his time to integrate and be alone and feel himself in his preferences and his needs.
Elaine Aron writes:
“You must be separate in order to be intimate. If you have no separate self, there’s no one inside even to be authentic. Yet how can we claim to be intimate and love someone if we keep ourselves totally separate.”
If we don’t share the others’ desires and want to lessen his or her pain, this is the big question. So she’s talking about when we want different things, perhaps to spend the whole day together and the whole night, and one person’s wanting to take a little time to be with themselves and process or be introverted – how do you navigate that? It can important to question the assumption that your partner wants to engulf you or dominate you. Oftentimes, again, as we’ve been talking about with these fears, this can have threads to our early experiences if we had overbearing parents, or perhaps were demanding of us – we could project this fear onto our significant other.
Elaine Aron writes, “If it is a matter of your partner wanting more time with you than you want with your partner, or anyone, this can be negotiated. Once you realize you can express your needs and your partner can accept them, you may find that your fear of being engulfed has vanished.”
The last two that I mentioned come from the book “The highly sensitive person in love” by Elaine Aron. I’m going to be a little quicker about these last two fears, as they’re a little bit more specific to people that are highly sensitive.
Number seven – fear of commitment. Elaine Aron talks about there are many sources for this fear of commitment. It may have been from being hurt in the past, or perhaps having engulfing parents. Or having difficulty admitting that they need someone. Or perhaps fear of freedom being taken away, or maybe being afraid of boredom.
Another source of this fear can be being afraid of making a wrong choice. Or fearing responsibility for another. Elaine Aron offers a couple thoughts here… She talks about in response to the fear of making a wrong choice – “The only way I know to solve this fear is to accept that you cannot possibly be sure of your decisions. So therefore we make the best decision we can at this vantage point, and then also knowing that you can continue to choose in the future.”
And she writes “As for your justifiable fear of being responsible for another, the issue of boundaries applies once again. Aim for a balance of separateness and oneness. A healthy dependence, as interdependence.”
The eighth fear – fear of disliking the other for subtle annoyances. People who are highly sensitive are typically picking up on a lot of information, more than the average person, and are aware of a lot of subtleties and various forms of stimuli. So in partnership, they might actually have more reaction to subtleties. This can be perhaps a smell, or a nervous cough, fidgeting, maybe some extra weight… Or perhaps noises that someone makes when they eat, or perhaps noises or movement they make when they sleep.
What typically happens here is someone who’s a little more sensitive will feel badly that it affects them. So they’re almost feeling shame that they’re annoyed, and that, as you can tell, will probably lead to cumulative frustration and also not be resolved. Elaine Aron is really encouraging us to get into conversation, because as we deepen in our understanding of each other’s experience and we can understand “Look, it’s not about me loving you less, or how much I care, it’s just this is what I’m experiencing.” Then we can learn to help each other out. She writes:
“Once a partner understands and appreciates your sensitivity, you really will be able to love someone and express your being bothered by these little things that seem so big.”
And she also cautions that if we’re highly bothered by our significant other, to really check in around what we’re feeling, because we do tend to project our frustrations onto our partners. She’s saying there are times where I will feel badly about myself, and it will come out as if I’m feeling about my partner, and I really have to watch that tendency.
To recap, the fears of intimacy discussed today are, number four, fear of loss of control. Number five, fear of one’s attack and destroy impulses. Number six, fear of being engulfed. Seven, fear of commitment. And number eight, fear of disliking the other for subtle annoyances.
Again, the first six are really common to everyone, and the last two are more specific to people that are more highly sensitive. This is all coming from the book “The highly sensitive person in love” by Elaine Aron. You can find a link to this book on today’s show notes, again, which can be found on my website, DrJessicaHiggins.com click on Podcast, and there you can find today’s episode, episode 234, “How to deal with fears of intimacy, part two.”
Thank you for listening to today’s episode. If you have feedback, I would like to hear from you. You can also write a rating and review, and that’s another way for me to get your input. Your listenership means the world to me, and I love sharing this time with you. Until next time, I hope you take great care.
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